Woman Into Wolf: the play

(PERSEY & BISH finish their yoga with a good gossip when – unexpectedly – ROY, PERSEY’S husband – who hates BISH – comes home)

BISH
But I have no playmate
As you cruelly point out.
(Sighs)

PERSEY
Sorry.
(Offstage, ROY’s voice)

ROY
Cupcake! I’m home!
Where the hellz is my baby?

(PERSEY & BISH galvanize. He picks up scattered clothes and rushes, dripping, to change behind a screen. DIGGER lifts a head to show some interest. PERSEY jumps back in the hot tub. ROY appears.)

PERSEY
Just chillaxing.

ROY
I’m down with that!
(Strips and jumps in with her)

PERSEY
I thought you were with Babe.

ROY
Dumped her at the depot.
She can Uber home.

PERSEY
Roy, you didn’t!
She just had back surgery!

ROY
She wouldn’t stop bitchin’.
You know how she gets.
Hey, what’s with the bathing suit?
(Trying to disrobe her)

PERSEY
Sometimes…if I’m alone

ROY
I got dibs on this body!

(Kissing and fondling her. PERSEY frantically signaling over his head to BISH who’s crawling towards the door, DIGGER following him with much interest. ROY suddenly sniffs the air)

ROY
Has that she-male been here?

PERSEY
Roy! Bish is my friend!

ROY
If society had smarts we’d
Exterminate those guys.
Mixed-up sexes
Don’t know WHAT they are.

(PERSEY tries to muffle him with kisses)

PERSEY
Don’t say that.
You don’t mean it.

ROY
I do mean it.
Queers are just trash people.
Who wants a world
Where men forget to be male?

PERSEY
Would they stop knifing and shooting?

(A panicked BISH makes a dash for it, drops a shirt. DIGGER barks, picks up the shirt, returns to the fire to mouth it)

ROY
What’s up with that dog?
He’s chewing up something…
Better not be mine!

(A lone WOLF howls)

PERSEY
(Climbing on his lap trying to interest him in sex)
It’s a dishrag I gave him.
Want to fool around?
Or would you like a beer?

ROY
That dog better
Stay out of my stuff, I’m warning you.

(Shouting over PERSEY’s shoulder to DIGGER)

I’ll put that dog down! Where he belongs!

(DIGGER attacks the shirt more aggressively – ROY makes a move to leap out of the tub – PERSEY grabs remote to light portrait – it looks right at ROY – WOLVES’ Chorus)

ROY
Fuck me!

(ROY appears gobsmacked. Lights off on PERSEY house, up on shirtless BISH putting shoes on at the side of the stage. JAROD – ROY’S cop friend – approaches, hails him. They began to tango.)

JAROD
Hel-lo sugar! What have we here?

BISH
Didn’t know you were interested.

JAROD
Call me a collector.
Sampling anything new.
What’s on offer?

BISH
Why settle for anything
When you can have
Everything?

(They waltz off. WOLVES howl. Lights out.)