Woman Into Wolf: the play

(Scene 9. Lights up on PERSEY House set where ROY & JAROD wrestle by firelight while the hot tub smokes suggestively and the eyes in the portrait track their movements. NED & PERSEY at the door. WOLF SPIRITS gather around and on top of the house, eyes blinking on & off. NED beckons JAROD aside, puts an arm around him – they exit together)

(PERSEY throws herself into ROY’s arms – he seems unresponsive)

ROY
(Holding PERSEY at arm’s length)
What did you do?

PERSEY
(Still trying to connect with him)
Oh, Roy, it was awful!
Poor Stormee is dead!

ROY
She was disloyal.
Didn’t she deserve it?

PERSEY
What do you mean?
Jarod controlled her every move.

ROY
Naw. I’m hearing she strayed.
Seems there’s lots of that
Going around.

(ROY pushes her away – DIGGER growls and poises for attack. ROY kicks at him. PERSEY orders him out of the house – DIGGER slinks away – to gather with the WOLF SPIRITS protecting the house. PERSEY thinks ROY just doesn’t understand.)

PERSEY
I found her dead, Roy.
Stormee’s been murdered.

ROY
That’s not all you found, is it?
Better stop lying!

PERSEY
(Very offended)
I’m not lying!

ROY
Oh yeah? Weren’t you making kissy face
With that snooping cop who’s harassing my mother?

PERSEY
What are you talking about?
I’m making “kissy face”
With nobody but you!

ROY
And then there’s that she-male
You pal around with!
What’s that about?
Don’t my wishes mean anything?
Those creatures spread sickness.

PERSEY
Bish is my friend!
YOU’RE covered with
“Wrestling burns”, thanks to Jarod!
What’s THAT about?
I found Stormee the way you two wanted –
And now I’ll have nightmares
Forever and ever.

(Dispiritedly she undresses and climbs into hot tub)

ROY
Welcome to reality, princess.
I know you’re still hiding something!
That cop’s got your number!

(WOLF SPIRITS & DIGGER howl without restraint – ROY snatches a shotgun out of the umbrella stand)

PERSEY
Roy, for God’s sake!
Who’s hiding from whom?
That cop asked ME to find out
If Bruce is really dead!

(Eyes move as portrait lights dramatically)

ROY
Bruce? Of course Bruce is dead!
I killed him myself!
In a battle to the death
There’s only one winner.

PERSEY
You did not! You couldn’t have!

ROY
That’s all the credit you give me!
No wonder my buddies are thinking
I’m de-balled, like your mutt!
Nobody tames ME, Sweetmeat.
And you know what else I’m gonna do?
I’m going to shoot me a canine!

PERSEY
DON’T YOU DARE!

(Marches to the door where he almost runs into JAROD who is wheeling a case of champagne on a dolly)

JAROD
Whoa, buddy!
Where are you headed?

(Wrestles shotgun away, dumps it)
This party just started!

ROY
Aren’t I your alibi?

JAROD
Hell no! DNA!
They got a condom
Overflowing with man juice!

ROY
Where’d they get that, I wonder?

JAROD
You ought to know!
Don’t you trust me, ol’ buddy? Everything’s
Fixed. They got a culprit!
We’re partyin’ here.

ROY
Hear that, Persey?
They caught the guy that did Stormee!

JAROD
First, capture the love juice, then
String the guy up.

(WOLF SPIRITS & DIGGER howl)

Man, you’ve got a wolf problem.

ROY
I know! Let’s go hunting!

JAROD
You kidding me?

ROY
Party first, fireworks after!

(He shakes up a bottle of champagne and shoots it at ROY. ROY, dripping, grabs a bottle to shoot at JAROD. Merriment – not shared by PERSEY)

PERSEY
I take it we’re celebrating
Your instant divorce?

JAROD
(Kneeling by the hot tub)
Birthday champagne for you,
Persey. Primo stuff. Some people die
Some people get born.
The party goes on.
Word on the street is
You like champagne.

PERSEY
You know nothing about
What I love and hate.

ROY
This Champagne’s Persey’s favorite.
She uses a glass, though.

(He exits. JAROD leans over, looking suggestively into the water)

JAROD
Looking for company?

PERSEY
(Flicking water on him)
No. Go away.

(JAROD strips down, slides in, clutching his champagne bottle.)

JAROD
Can’t dampen the drowned, darlin’.
I’m ALWAYS all in.

(He starts climbing in – PERSEY turns her back on him, tries to climb out – he stops her)

Have a heart, Persey. You’re being mean
To a heartbroken widower.

PERSEY
You better get your hands off me
Before Roy sees you.

JAROD
Sweet cheeks
This was ALL his idea.

(ROY appears with champagne glass and kneels on PERSEY’s other side)

ROY
Here you go, cupcake’.
Fertility meds served up in Baccarat
Just how you like ‘em.

(He holds her jaw, pours champagne in her mouth. PERSEY tries to get out, they both hold her down.)

Not so fast, hon.
It’s past time to make babies.

(PERSEY begins to thrash wildly)

JAROD
Don’t waste energy, Persey.
Two against one.

ROY
Yeah. Hunters in tandem
Bring down any game.

(They swarm over her. Lights out.)