Sun 16 July 67
Just a year ago I was leaving MN, assessing my theatre summer and its value! This was a better theatre experience but I’m not sure I can remain in the theatre if I dislike routine so much. Robin says I’m spoiled and lazy but I like surprises. Constant astonishment would be perfect. Robin says that is film acting but I photograph so horribly I could only play witches. I have a jaw like a boxing glove. I do feel more sure of myself and more determined in my philosophy. I’d consider dancing if every dancer alive weren’t better than me – I am not a “natural dancer” at ALL. But it’s fun!
I learned to respect Catholicism but I see its danger: putting men in charge. They have crazy ideas! Robin for example, thinks I’m a “whore” because I WON’T have sex! I think my moral philosophy is pure and untainted but he says if I like passion without penises I must be a lesbian! (I better not tell him about Fleur. I’ve had my chance! ) Love is NOWHERE in this equation. He grabbed me backstage as I was going on for Act III and said I broke his heart. I told him to write a radio serial – I don’t think his heart ever came out to play. He was very insulted but Jodi and I have discussed this. She agrees his deepest feelings are not involved – this is a volcano of selfishness and anger and I should stay away. She says he wants to talk badly about me to everyone but they will see it for what it is. Jodi moved in a few days ago – I am liking having a roommate better than I thought I would.
Looking forward to seeing Mom & Dad and cruising a new area. Play with my thirteen-year-old sister and catch up on my sleep.
Mon 17 July 67
Rehearsal bad this evening. I am gobbling aspirin. Whenever I see Robin talking to someone I know its about me. The orchestra is so pathetic there isn’t a beat to dance to! We get our counts mixed up. Left my black ballet slippers at the dorm and Mr. Johnson wouldn’t let me wear my pink ones – had to wear a pair that didn’t fit. The second act is definitely the worst – they put the summerhouse where I am supposed to be standing! I am literally dancing against a wall. I nearly killed Carrie in the cartwheel and then my bodice started to unlace. The only fun I have is in the cancan. And in the final act I have to waltz with Robin! That means I am wearing my ugliest costume for the meaningless finale.
Miss Whalen delivered an ill-timed lecture. All those considering suicide will go ahead now and do it and the orchestra will be even smaller. Tea and sticky buns with Sister Mary Rosycheeks back at the dorm provide some relief. In a week I’ll be on the boat!
Tues 18 July 67
There is a serious drawback to having a roommate – I never get anything done! Mom and Dad called from Cape Cod I started crying and then we got cut off! I am ashamed of myself – they are never going to know I’m not miserable. I can’t explain about Robin obviously (Mom would take HIS side!!!) I get so homesick when I hear their voices! Avril was telling me about all the “psychedelic” boutiques on the shore.
Thurs 20 July 67
“Is the world a lunatic asylum then? Are we all courteous maniacs discreetly making allowances for everyone else’s derangement?”
This from Muriel Spark’s wonderful The Comforters which I just this moment finished reading. So fabulous. So satisfying. Didn’t understand the title until I read that sentence! Halfway through I doubted I could survive the chaos (or the self-conscious writing. “Joe was feeling tired. “I’m feeling tired, said Joe.” There’s only so much of that you can stand.) The book jacket prints a nice quote from Evelyn Waugh and I will follow that man through thick and thin. It turned out to be worth it. Words blown out of context, motives ignored, manipulations misconstrued while people automatically say the opposite of whatever they really feel. Spark is enchanting. I will get all her other novels to read, but my next project is Waugh’s son Auberon’s Foxglove Saga.
Sat with Chris Cahill during dinner. He is only 14 but painfully smart. No one can stand him but me – he wants to argue about art and/or history at every possible moment. With a male Alysse Aallyn on the loose how can I help but lend a hand. Spark backs me up that we are kinder toward those whose madness we recognize!
Last night’s preview VERY successful – the nuns loved it. They are as sentimental as whores (according to Giraudoux!! ) Sister Mary Rosycheeks said the cancan girls have such cute bottoms! Our dancing was certainly the high point!
Must get over to the theatre now in fact – it’s only ten to seven but I need ages making up.
1:50 AM Fri 21 July 67
Fierce rainstorm this afternoon – Jodi and I were DRENCHED! Had to dry my hair under the bathroom blower.
Too much to eat! Jodi & I celebrating opening night with clove tea & orange peel (Alysse’s special recipe) chocolate cookies, apple and the rest of the orange. Who needs the dining hall? I’d better stay up while the tea takes its course – I hate being wakened in the middle of the night three feet off the bed on my bladder. Jodi looks so sweet over there – sleeping clutching her Kleenex box!
Finished part I of Foxglove. Auberon’s nowhere near as biting as his father – but he is witty and entertaining. He’s certainly a lot more organized than Muriel! He’s also not a fatalist but maybe he’s too young (cover portrait handsome young man.) Hmmm. Don’t think I could ever marry a novelist. How would you ever know who was plagiarizing who?
Opening night audience was packed. At first NOTHING could amuse them but by the beginning of the second act they were thawed and started applauding EVERYTHING!! Loved the cancan! Such a letdown when it’s over! I’m ecstatic when I’m dancing – sweat didn’t ruin my makeup – not a curl out of place – lost no feathers – not even an earring! Did not forget Sasha’s gloves or tights! Triumph! I am learning. (It was the first time I was EVER in the Green Room on time.)
Some of these costume changes are TOO MUCH – once again Carrie forgot to double knot my bodice and it started to unravel!
Called the travel agent – booked a flight for Wed. Get out of here 9:30 AM making only one change at Minneapolis. Get into Kennedy 3:30 PM their time. Then a train to Montauk. I wish Mom would meet me – I’d like to talk to her and it would do her good to get away. I’m sure she is afraid to talk honestly about Genevieve, but she’ll never feel better if she doesn’t. Her impulse is always to pretend it isn’t happening – I remember her stepping over dead drunk men in the street and being goosed by parking lot attendants in Morocco. All with regal hauteur.
I bought her a green paisley cigarette case as a mark of a new Tolerance to let her know I love her – she knows I hate her smoking. At some point we have to step past all the frozen tears and kisses.
Before the second act curtain when Robin and I were frozen in our places, him touching my bare back he begged me to go to the Black Hawk with him after the play. I said No. I said, ‘:Do you hate me Robin” and he said no but I can see he does.
After the play I ran up the iron stairs to the dressing room, smeared cold cream on my face & eyelashes, put on my dress without a bra and rushed out before anyone could speak to me.
Sweet, seven page letter from Genevieve July 15 –
“This is a shamefully overdue letter and I apologize but all sorts of phenomena are happening in my life – I’m sorry I haven’t included you sooner..” Then she sprung her big surprise – she’s marrying Kent Winokur! Said she loves him because he’s like Daddy! Hmmm… Said she’s probably get married next weekend and I could come visit them! I wrote back saying I thought marriage was a hell of a contract and nineteen’s awfully young but I know she won’t listen to me! Enclosed penny candy as a wedding present!
I do disapprove. It’s not Mom and Dad – I don’t think she can help feeling trapped because she WILL be trapped! I wouldn’t give up the excitement of independence so easily, that wild exhilaration. You never want to think you’ve missed the action. And what if she wants to be alone? I want to know that somewhere there is a single bed I can always return to. On the other hand, I haven’t met anyone who makes me want to give that up. I suppose it’s possible he exists. Sings Barbra:
“I want to find my true love like all the lovesongs say
I want to do what I want, I want to get my way.
Wild dreams grow wise when sweet childhood flies
Time waved her hand and the breeze
Blew sand from my eyes…”
But I may be making a mistake thinking what revolts me revolts her. Maybe she is the wife type. I better go to bed – Jodi and I have to clean the paint room tomorrow and I will look like Living Death. Is there no rest for the wicked?
Sun 23 July 67
Rudely awakened at 10:30 AM by Mater and Pater calling from Connecticut. Gave them my flight info.
The day went blissfully, lazily. Robin came over insisting I help him with his NDEA lines, so I did. We hugged. He begged me to come for a drive. I was infused with physical longing but refused. Thank God I was strong enough! He claimed the pink ribbon from my hair. I wouldn’t let him have it unless he would give me his shirt on the spot. He wouldn’t so I refused to let him have the ribbon.
Here’s the note he gave me:
“If what you want is not to be together, if that will make it easier, I’ll try. Believe me, I’ve always tried to do everything your way.”
Jesus I’ll be glad to get out of this place!
Tues 25 July 67 4:30 AM
Looks like I won’t be getting to bed tonight either! Didn’t get underway with my packing till 3;15 because I was saying goodbye to everyone in the smoker.
Performance went great – ballet especially! Last applause rang in our ears. Black velvet curtains swung together and the major domo enfolded the cancan dancer in his arms. It’s a wrap! Strike! (Means something different in the theatre.)
Felt so nostalgic taking off my satin & feathers!
After strike cancan dancer eluded the majordomo, went back to the dorm to say goodbye to Jodie and meet her folks. Farm folk! I am so ashamed of my snobbishness! Robin insisted on a Last Walk. I’d actually believe he just had rotten luck to fall in love with me – if he hadn’t SAID he wants me because he can’t HAVE me! Sick! We sat on the stone steps and I stared into his crooked face (he is so much handsomer onstage!) He still doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t kiss him. What’s it matter to me?
It mattered.
He will NEVER understand but he insisted we correspond. He also demanded to drive me to the airport. Uh oh. What if he kidnaps me? My frugality will be the death of me!
Swimming last night in the Lourdes pool – skinny dip! Just me & Jodi playing “Loch Ness monster!” Nice nuns caught us and showed us the door.
All the cancan girls met in the smoker and munched cherries.
Raced up to the fourth floor sundeck to watch the sun come up over the bluffs. Wake bring in huge breakfast – hot chocolate, mushroom omelet and doughnuts!
Picked up my tickets from the travel agent – they are incredibly cheap – I don’t understand it at all. Three hours sleep in the afternoon. Parents called from Block Island where they are stranded by rough winds so Mom can’t come. I wasn’t depending on her so unsurprised.
No point going to bed now! Second sunrise in a row! Shared with Joan Peska who suffers from an abscessed tooth.
This summer’s been worth it.
1) take bath
2) clean room
3) finish packing
4) iron dress
5) ?
My tea is cold. I can sleep on the plane.
Alysse Aallyn 
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