Chapter 8. A WILL READING
“This will was hand delivered to me this morning by Miss Rainbeaux’s chauffeur,” Neil Dettler announced. “It is a holograph will.”
“But if it didn’t reach you until after Aunt Bea’s death,” said Chester hopefully, “Isn’t it invalid?”
“Certainly not,” said Dettler. “It’s a holograph will entirely in the hand of the testatrix.”
“Maybe it’s a forgery,” Ivor’s blond “associate” suggested.
Jacquetta, who had been brewing up a dislike for the man, studied at him with new respect. You had to admit he was a fighter.
“It’s been passed by my Questioned Documents team,” said Dettler, “As a matter of course. Why don’t you let me read it before you start objecting to it?”
“Sorry,” apologized Ivor, “It’s just that if it ISN’T a true will, you don’t HAVE to read it.”
He held out his sherry glass for refills and Rose-Alice scuttled forwards with the tantalus.
“It IS a true will!” insisted Dettler. “And I am now going to read it.” He cleared his throat.
“I, Beatrix Cleanth Virginia Rainbeaux, being of sane mind as sound body as befits an abstemious woman of eighty-seven summers- “
“You can skip that part,” said Avalon.
“I can’t skip ANYTHING,” roared Dettler. “The entire will HAS TO BE READ. You, on the other hand, DON’T HAVE TO HEAR IT. I invited you as is only proper but you are welcome to DEPART if you SO WISH.”
Sounds like he’s given up on this crowd’s business, thought Jacquetta. Avalon Cleese, quiet as a mouse, meekly held out her glass for seconds.
“Who are the witnesses?” asked George Cleese.
“There are no witnesses.” Having blown his gasket, Neil relaxed. “Holographic wills need no witnesses.”
“Put us out of our misery,” wailed Chester. “Blindfold, cigars, last meal.”
“Not necessarily in that order. Carry on,” contributed his brother. He and “Blade” tensely held hands.
Dettler carried on.
“Let’s see…where was I…unimpaired mental faculties…here we are. Declare this my last will and testament revoking all others.”
“Leaving all my bits and pieces to The Old Cat’s Home,” said Ivor in a high whine only Jacquetta could hear.
“With no expectation of life continuing past its present form – “
“A little Darwin by way of Swedenborg,” offered Chester.
“To my dear, devoted servant, Hortense McGivern, in gratitude for her years of selfless service – “
“Here goes.” Ivor gripped the arms of his chair. Jacquetta looked around. No faithful servant. Surely, she had been invited?
“I leave the Wedgwood nursery set she so admired.”
“Wedgwood holding steady,” said Chester in a stock market announcer’s voice while Ivor appeared to relax.
“That set’s probably worth two thousand bucks,” said Ivor, seeing the look on Jacquetta’s face. But Dettler was far from finished.
“-The kitchen table and chairs, my Lazy Boy recliner, my Pontiac limousine and $10,000 cash.”
Chester sat up. “Hello!” He exclaimed. “McGivern up one car!”
“-I hereby revoke my previous will in which I left my limousine to my chauffeur, Herbert Slaws, since he did not stay sober as he promised.”
That’s a good one, thought Jacquetta. Get the chauffeur to deliver the will that disinherits him! Did Miss Rainbeaux have a touch of the sociopath in her own makeup? This was enough to make anyone enter a monastery.
“The carriage house and land that was to have been his will thereby be counted with the house as a whole.”
“He’s got 30 days to depart,” said Avalon triumphantly. “And good riddance.”
Jacquetta glanced around. No Herbert, either.
“The house, its land and all personalty not otherwise designated becomes the sole property of my dear niece, Avalon Rainbeaux Powell Cleese.” Sigh of relief from both Cleeses.
“I understand she will probably sell it all and I only ask she insist on obtaining a decent price for everything instead of holding some fly-by-night yard sale with herself as auctioneer.”
Dettler continued, unimpressed and possibly not even noticing Avalon’s head-snap.
Ivor made a hissing noise.
“To my dear nephew, Ivor Rainbeaux Powell, I leave the Powell Printing Works and half my portfolio of stocks and bonds, to be divided with his brother, Chester. If they cannot agree on how to divide said stocks and bonds my executor, Neil Dettler, has full authority to sell said stocks and bonds and divide them fairly to the penny. And why should they agree for the first time in their lives simply because I am dead? To my nephew, Chester Rainbeaux Powell I also leave my share in the newspapers Glasstown Express, Freetown Garland and Post Village Citizen. I admonish him that now is the time to stop his libido from dictating his employment policy as all lawsuits will from now on have to be settled with his own assets.”
A low whistle from George Cleese snapped Chester’s head in that direction. He was angrier at his brother in law than at his aunt. Doubtless, he had heard it from her many times before.
“Since the Board of Directors of the Jane Pride Home has seen fit to fly in the face of my seasoned advice, I hereby revoke the codicil leaving them my six-thousand-dollar certificate of deposit at the Glasstown Bank and leave that instead to Miss Jacquetta Strike of Post Village whose business card I enclose. I would also like her to have my considerable library on stained glass since she is the only person I can think of who will actually appreciate it. I thank her for her interesting conversation and ask her to bear it in mind in the coming weeks.
I direct the cash in my two checking accounts and four savings accounts be used to pay taxes and executors’ fees. Anything left over will become the property of Avalon Cleese.
I entrust Mr. Neil Dettler with the job as my executor, noting that although my nephew Ivor is also an attorney anyone who employs him will be an accessory to his inevitable disbarment. Signed this day – “
Ivor turned bright red but the rest of the room heaved a sigh of relief. There was no representative from the Jane Pride Home to glare daggers at Jacquetta and the rest of the family didn’t appear to grudge her a share coming out of someone’s else’s pocket.
“That wasn’t so bad,” said Chester to Ivor. “No changes, really. Don’t take it so hard, you know the way she talked. Look what she said about me.”
Worriedly Jacquetta saw George Cleese making his determined way in Jacquetta’s direction.
Alysse Aallyn 
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