5 PM – 3 Dec 81
Bad news – Scribner’s rejects mystery, so I went to the hairdresser in great determination to get a new cut & body wave. I showed her pictures and she seemed to know what she was doing but it came out much too curly when what I wanted was a wave. She said after I washed it most of the curl would leave – it HASN’T – even the color looks brassier – now I think I look like Little Orphan Annie. Toss says “you traumatize easy” and it’s the truth. Never acquired the rhinoceros hide.
Trying to be philosophical but feeling hopeless about my work which is the obvious result when you try to please people but don’t. Afraid agent Lavallee is going to abandon me and I couldn’t blame her – also the whole thing about having an agent is they have to think about the market and the market is telling me to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Luckily the baby is a great joy. I let myself get too tired – made a big effort to get to Women’s Group and it was distressingly boring Old Testament stuff. When I tried to apologize to Mom for dragging her to this event she behaved strangely – maybe she PREFERS Old Testament – couldn’t figure it out. Daisy wanted to know why I was distressed and I couldn’t explain how my parents seem to feel threatened by my religious beliefs. Mom & Daisy did NOT like each other. At least Mom didn’t act scornful which was my big fear.
Last Sutton & Pansy came to dinner with Mom & Dad – it was a successful event and the parents liked Pansy very much. Didn’t sniff afterwards about how vulgar they were or over-interested in money. In fact, they acted like rich people around me for the first time, drinking a lot of wine and talking about Merrill Lynch Cash Management Fund. Toss very surprised to hear his father say that if certain targets are reached, he plans to give the Country Store he bought for $125,000 to the manager, a virtual stranger! T used to be against hitting up Sutton for bucks but this might change his mind.
Tonight parents are off to Aunt Fred’s so Toss & I can have dinner alone. Tomorrow afternoon Mom & Dad leave.
Thousands of phone calls to make and letters to write but I think I will just be ruthless and postpone them till I feel up to it. God, I feel better! Just need to talk to myself once in a while.
Having a beer and trying to express milk for the baby’s night bottle.
8 PM 4 Dec 81
Started hemorrhaging at midwife appt today. Adair gave me a shot of methargine and had me rest until the bleeding stopped, then prescribed bedrest! No stairs for a week! No housework! I was so tired I was grateful for the directive. I especially want to avoid a D & C.
8:20 PM Tues 8 Dec 81
I did have to go to the hospital – had to call Adair at ll:30 because bleeding started up again with enormous clots! She came over and said I needed Medical Management.
I went to Middlesex Hospital at 2 AM where I was prodded and probed by literally EVERYONE in the emergency room while I clung tearfully to Toss, upset at being separated from Shane, who was being cared for by Lois. Finally, I was sent to a private room where I was able to express milk. Sent 2 bottles back with T so Shane never did run short.
The Pitocin in my IV finally stopped the bleeding and I was released at 5:30 without having a D & C.
Since then I’ve been OK – no bleeding at all.
I am being driven insane by being waited on. T never has dinner ready before 9 and when I send him for tea or coffee he always forgets.
I don’t mind giving up housework but I want to resume a normal schedule and take Shane places but we really can’t go anywhere before the Bahamas.
My reading diverse – The Economist, Money mag and 2 Agatha Christies. Also the entire diary of the Princess of Pless, which I found fascinating.
Yesterday I almost got back to my writing but Shane thrashed around like a whale in a tank all afternoon and by the time he subsided I needed a nap myself.
Baby needs changing AGAIN!
Last week the nearest I got to postpartum depression was sobbing over Scribner rejection. I hold 2 contradictory views at the same time. Money represents freedom & dignity, and, it doesn’t matter at all.
Daddy weirdly touchy with me at the beginning of our visit asking what mistakes I’m going to make with MY child (as if I knew!) The only thing I can tell for sure is I’m bound to make SOME (but I won’t make THEIRS.) Sutton seems to have made an impact on him – he bought Printronix, opened a margin account and checks out the stock possibilities of California wines.
Freedom would mean writing what I like and selling directly. What fun. But you have to be prepared to lose money on it. I like doing things MY WAY which is probably why I’ve had so little success so far.
Dr. Jones trying to discover how my self-esteem got so badly damaged in the first place.
Feel power slowly returning to me through the confusion & helplessness. Dimly realize I should welcome these difficulties if it makes me stronger. Freeing myself from people liking my poetry. My enemies are exhaustion & demoralization. Still want to write a mystery and have so many ideas I am afraid of them. Also, bothered by Toss. I have been horny the past 3 nights (no full sex for 6 weeks) but he keeps falling asleep with his clothes on.
Being good on my diet so hopefully will be skinny soon. Already look not-too-bad though stomach loose. Swimming in the Bahamas will help. Reading Troyat’s Catherine the Great.
Looks like baby needs a feeding. Won’t tackle stairs till the weekend – then I’ll feel I’ve done my best.
10:45 PM
Wonderful interview with William Stafford in American Poetry Review. Helpful yet caused fresh agonies. It was about writing for the process, avoiding disapproval AND approval. Yet how kill this terrible hunger?
My last conversation with Charlene making me think this friendship is pretty well over. I have the sense of not being listened to. She thinks I’m too privileged to have problems. Says I should try a tutorial with Ezra (whose taste I deplore) when I have given up on Guilders (and it has given up on me.)
Wed 9 Dec 81
Poor Weasel killed by a car this morning – killed outright, thank God – ½ hr after leaving the house. Very sad knowing she got away with this because we couldn’t pay attention to her. Lately we’ve been trying to get her to sleep in a cotton lined bed because of her allergy and she was taking it as a punishment. In a year or two it will be time to get a puppy Dixie can lick into shape.
Goodbye, beloved white dog. See you where all things are perfect and I can give you the attention you deserve. Valiant Toss out burying the body.
Thinking tormentedly about my writing. So much I want to write and can’t – rejection and poverty are difficult. But my “problem” is something else. The terms of my bondage are unclear. What is the condition I am searching for? Serenity. It’s funny how much better this diary makes me feel.
3:15 PM
Baby asleep almost 2 hrs now. I’m still in bed – the crises and chaos of this morning haven’t allowed me to get up yet. Reading Living With Your New Baby which is very helpful. Called Lois to tell her I can’t cope with phone calls for the time being – I need to isolate to cope with stress. However, I could address announcement envelopes if Toss would remember to bring them home. Granma is being a pain, constantly calling & writing – we will see her Sat. She offered money but seems to have forgotten.
Hard to believe Weasel, so vibrant a few hours ago, is bloodied & broken in the earth.
Alysse Aallyn 
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