Stormfall Farm Sat Jan 2 – ’82 – 6:15 PM
At last, fireside peace. Finally got the baby to sleep pressed against my body in the bed, then managed to substitute a pillow.
He seems fussy lately – reacting I think to the general disorganization of streams of family & visitors. Also, I may be drinking too much caffeine. Fix that.
it’s surprising how little you can get done while baby-tending. The books warn – naps more important than housework. Can read while breastfeeding thank God. Starve without brain matter.
Today read almost all of Stone’s The Mystery of B Traven. Love this mania for self-concealment!
1:45 AM – Just back from Sutton’s – a delightful evening playing “Dictionary.” Shane gave me an exhausting early eve but he slept 3 and 1/2 hrs at Sutton’s like an angel. Sutton said he transferred funds to our joint acct at Kidder but we no longer have a joint acct at Kidder. T. says, “Probably mine, then.” Well, he’s not my father.
Our first night here was a nightmare – Toss a crazy man. House very cold and took some time to warm. Toss frantic about the baby who was perfectly warm but cried harassingly. In the AM he apologized. I always feel brutalized by his anger – seems he makes no effort to control it. He thinks everything I do is to “spite” him. What is the cause of this? Must have been Lois. She is pretty strange.
Outside this bedroom in the winter living room Toss & Dom & friends re-living the dictionary game – recounting the funny definitions. Finished feeding Shane and now waiting for him to fall deeply enough asleep that I can move him to his crib.
My press now an obsession. Every book is compared to my inner books. Last night intercourse first time! I was nervous because inside vagina has strange raw feeling tight but not painful.
Shane clucking. Better turn out light.
12:30 PM Sun 3 Jan 82 – StormFall
Review of book about the creative process quotes the theory that the artist must “stop before coming to premature closure” – closing off options too soon. Later, in discussion of life of Meyer Levin reviewer produces astonishing analysis of the way writers try to answer critics objection WHILE WRITING and that is “responsible” (i.e. bank-worthy.) Further along in a review of Why Bad Things Happen to Good People writer concludes that God is powerless to stop the consequences of the world He set in motion!! He “weeps” but can’t help!! Unbearably wrong-headed. Shows how religious tenets can go in one ear and out the other while the thinker THINKS he has understood. (Of course Judaism is different.)
Christ prayed the cup would pass – it didn’t but the story doesn’t end there. He ROSE! They all saw it!
2:40 PM Baby cried so couldn’t continue. Sad about leaving but eager to get home. The exit always puts me at odds with T and emphasizes my powerlessness. We’ll leave when he is ready at the most inconvenient time. He can promise nothing. Now he has committed us to taking soup with Sutton & Pansy which I am determined he will retract. Thank God I have SOME money and can protect myself from Housewife Madness. Feeling fat and ugly now and I was feeling beautiful before I came – a psychic manifestation of my powerlessness. Sutton’s house a fount of luxury. Toss agitates to seem successful around him instead of honestly stating difficulties & truths. I always feel the problem boils down to loss of identity – I feel like a ghost. The artist cannot allow herself Fear of the Unknown. Everyone else hedges – I want to leap.
Grover’s Mill 4:30 PM – Tues 5 Jan 82
Feeling better. Anxiety level high yesterday but read The First 12 Months of Life that says after 3 mos the crying stops “magically”! Baby begins to play by himself! OK! I “magically” felt less fatigue (fatigue is helplessness with me.)
Baby dozing in the Swing-o-matic but wakes the instant it slows. Hoping to finish first coat of paint on the crib so he can be in his own room by the end of the week.
Charlene stopped by to see the baby. Why does she depress me?
Suggested to Julio & Gretchen that they make a book of his photos of Maine & her poems and I will try to sell it for them. Labor of love. So many good artists out there discouraged by climate of rejection. Do you need mind as well as hide of rhino?
I set Sept 82 as press beginning – I will have $7000 of Corning.
Toss says he & Lois will start paying themselves out of Faircross – this will revolutionize our lives.
Yesterday baby was sleepier allowing me to catch up on Psychology Today, N.Y Review of Books and My Search for B Traven which would make good novel.
9:40 PM – Shane asleep from 7:15 to 9:30 allowing us to have a lengthy, peaceful sit-down dinner! Toss very excited about condos wants me to type condo docs. We could get Margaret to watch Shane. It’s only 50 p. Unfortunately, it’s due Fri and I can’t finish by then!
He approved Sept as start-off for press.
Tues. 12 Jan 82 – 11 AM
Enjoying late breakfast downstairs after weekend trauma. Shane dozing in swing. Total nightmare weekend typing condo docs, spelling each other. Sat night we went out but that was traumatic too because we were away from Shane too long – 6 1/2 hrs – kept calling Margaret. Dinner and LOONG movie (Reds) too much! In future only one or the other. I stayed up trying to express milk – got only 3 oz which T used next AM trying to let me sleep. Worked on docs till 2 PM then dressed to drive to Lois’ go see Louise. Louise “up”, intelligent, appreciated Shane who unfortunately went on crying jag. Louise didn’t get to hold him as much as she liked. Back at Lois’ worked on condo docs till 12:20 – Shane obligingly slept – then the car wouldn’t start. Record cold night – 2 above zero – homeless being rounded up – still, five deaths. So, we couldn’t leave and spent the night at Lois’. I took the Daytimer catalog to bed with me and fell asleep choosing stationery for Quixota, my new press.
Baby now playing, yawning, stretching beside me, the beauty. Lois & T had 9:15 AM with Heritage Savings who will probably be their lender. After the cold night, Lois’ car wouldn’t work and they had to take a cab. Shane and I managed a bath together. They didn’t return till 4:15 PM. They’d had a good day, felt the situation promising. Lois offered to make dinner – so went to work on car batteries – next thing we knew it was 7 PM and Shane was deteriorating. All my efforts to give him away were for naught – I had to collapse in tears and go upstairs to howl. T. brought Shane upstairs when he collapsed into an exhausted sleep and I was able to go downstairs at 8 PM and wolf a chicken.
Then T & I left for our glorious home! At midnight with me swearing not to move till Baby’s christening. We discovered hot water pipes had burst (owing to cold) but we do have cold water. Called plumber today – they are coming but can’t say when. Shane sitting bad-temperedly in his swing – grumpy Baby Emperor. If he sinks into a doze, I will, too.
Thought about nothing but press all weekend. Trying to decide whether to allow Daisy to place them in bookstores or just go with mail order. Trouble with mail order is huge advertising budget! I want to be ruthless now that I am publisher and have everything done my way – maybe G & J’s book as calendar? Shane fussing.
8:15 PM Fri 15 Jan 82
Shane lying in his crib transfixed by his windup mobile – talking to it – especially purple hippo for which he cherishes extravagant fondness.
A good day – school out so Margaret didn’t come – wanted to be with her sons. Fine with me – I’m not quite ready to write.
Shane marvelously agreeable – only one bout of tears right before nap. Only 3 hrs sleep today bodes well for night. 7 Hrs last night!!! Toss due home in half hour – had to go to bank and missed his train.
Reading Dworkin’s Pornography – unbearably uncomfortable – especially for men! Her elegant writing anger infused – balance perfect. True, cogent, exact but does not express the blade of grass ALWAYS pushing upwards thru cement. The world may be a desert – yet deserts are hives of activity. Unexpected flowerings. It’s true that I’m disgustingly spoiled by the perfections of Toss.
He is violent in his anger and his rage flames hot but it is not directed at me in a way that leaves me choiceless. And always there is his exquisite tenderness – the heart of his passion so personal – never a moment when he cannot be touched. (He gave his gloves to a cold bag lady this weekend – MENS’ gloves? She said!)
If I were Dworkin, I would despair.
And then there is the ecstasy the religious dimension gives to life! Otherwise the purposelessness & cruelty would be soul-killing – human aspiration and hypocrisy the sand constantly creating a tortuous itch. I see life now as a war only won by love. Thousand small trivial triumphs – looks- smiles – glances – tiny actions – seem to melt to nothing when extinguished by violence as Christ seemingly was – but he WON.
So shall we. Yesterday women’s group first time in six weeks. How time has flown! Daphne Hawkes seemingly smaller – more tentative – less powerful than I remember – psalm 31 newly moving.
Alysse Aallyn 
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