Secrets of the Self – how I became a warrior by Alysse Aallyn

Conflict

It’s in Conflict that warriors emerge. My uncle insisted people in authority be “respected” and said whether they were worthy of respect was not the point. My parents were never that crass. It was a subtle game with them. My mother referred conflict to my father; we were ”hurting” her by not being the people that she wanted. It was hard to take seriously. But “discipline” quickly transferred to my father and he was a much scarier proposition. He was physically violent – spanking me, breaking down my door, visibly losing his temper and then further enraged over losing his temper. This was a whirlwind I could not ride and it hardened me against him. Some facts he refused to accept, actual truths he rejected with “No.” I understood that my mother was too weak to face things but Dad claimed to be a fearless seeker in life. It made me disrespect him.

Detaching From Dad

Dad taught us to stand up for ourselves

Except around him.

Dad enjoyed being silly

When we were little.

Entertaining story teller –

Teased us to obedience.

When I said wild horses couldn’t drag me

He played wild horse.

He was the captain, and

Life wasn’t ship-shape

When I was a shape-shifter.

He wanted to go to Europe

Without my eldest sister

She called her congressman

To change Daddy’s mind.

He institutionalized her in

Switzerland

Two thousand miles from

Our new home.

I was stubborn and

Honest: the worst combination.

When I was twelve and Genevieve fourteen

He sent us to school across

Oceans.

As my dad had before me

I stood up to uncles and teachers

Because I had to respect somebody

Might as well be myself.