Fri 23 July 76 - Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland
R and I have seen each other every day since Fri –
I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back. I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex – first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect to be all right. Adore these slow working mornings. I get up with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar such a pleasure – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready, feeling like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec. Yesterday we met our across the street neighbors – one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree in Hospital Administration. Among ourselves we call him “Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be in heaven. Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.
Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 PM God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body – love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face. Those blond Italians! He wouldn’t like to hear me say it – he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon – he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman pleasure. We fit together exactly – interlocking puzzle pieces even upside down. I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm was so great I wept. I fell asleep with him inside me. Wrote a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him. If I learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent. He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want to buy a bookcase. Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could he possibly love me as much as I love him? Yesterday walking in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to limit the experience. Which of course was exactly the right answer. The worst part is his trouble with my job. He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine, all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour, before my set.
11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76 Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more. Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays, Carmen checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect. We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going to see to it. I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.
9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of
my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 – left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears. He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no later than Weds. Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house (though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight) I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall. Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied till I just can’t boogie no more.
Club Shalimar– 30 July 76 Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is a lot younger. We had glorious talks on our way there and back – about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone); our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around) first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned! Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise. I guess I could say the same about him. Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and came. He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t understand it when they married, assuming it was something you get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child – he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the “perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred. 2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door. We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem: Love, the Magician.
The Magician is a Capricorn Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples Pale like mine but Maler. Illusion, he says is memory Of things that should have been. Doves and rabbits he entices From sacred groves between my legs Placed by ruse, and freed by art. When he dies, passion turns his eyes To quarters. He hears the world but faintly Through his one good ear. The other turns to me, Safecracker’s daughter. Trust the magician, voices tell me He knows when to drop the dice.
1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room
but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on the go, but very entertaining He usually brings me gifts – flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses. Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date. Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity… and love. It’s a problem! The oilman came to the house today says he’s shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay COD! Fortunately I had just got off work and I had the cash on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need much oil till winter. Let’s hope. Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said, I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till it hurt and he begged for mercy. Poor Avril had a long hard day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s and it’s a deal.
10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St
bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman – if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave. 9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona, Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos. Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some- time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…” have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.
Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar
7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up
here so I was already exhausted. I hate packing. Getting to be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize” me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits with his wife! He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more money – that’s how they get ahead in his business – jump from station to station. I told him he should take it – turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world. I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says, why are you doing this? I said, to meet you. Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility. 4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week. Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall. Today marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.
Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar
A & I hung living room paintings today, and last piece
was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his name mean anything to me in twenty years? Brought blow dryer, change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back into shape after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy (bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender). A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing them move about with candles. What does the future hold? I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there. Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of charm.
17 July 76
Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have
to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried a whip onstage – everything but a donkey, as one of the other dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn. But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He ordered in Italian. The weirdest thing about him is that he doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles – he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it. We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful – A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right. He liked valentine the best –
Valentine I sent myself in a letter Heart-creased Like a glove Too much folded An anecdote Too much told Dear stranger don’t Lose me I forgot the rule (Hold back a copy)
Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place but I hope it’s inevitable.” I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the top of my dress either. He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing tomorrow, then on a four day cruise sometime in August.
Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating
our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?
10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed
bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL in Minnesota!) DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!
Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews
AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man
Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see. Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.
2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided
to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered
me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage. Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have
dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me. Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.
Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it.
11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM -
Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the
other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone. On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation. Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
Avril friend a complete bozo but
places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc. A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.
Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar
Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me:
“Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today. The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs. Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.” Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.
Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.) Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.
Fri. 16 April 1976 - 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.
Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?
10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!
Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see.
Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.
2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner. Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it.
11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM -
Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
A’s friend a complete bozo. Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc.
A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.
Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar
Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today.
The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs.
Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.”
Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.
(The 1930’s. HOMESTEAD to the left, EVERGREENS still to the right but the DELL in between has vanished. Both houses look the worse for wear; HOMESTEAD sports a “For Sale” sign. Arms crossed, two young women in thirties clothing study one another. They are the actresses who played SUE and MABEL restored to youth…as their daughters, MATTIE and MILLICENT. MATTIE stands proudly on the EVERGREENS porch, surveying MILLICENT who tows a wheeled trunk plastered with travel and Ivy League stickers. EMILY tries to stick collapsed shingles back on the HOMESTEAD; they fall off of course)
EMILY Sue! Sue! I meant to find her when I came Death had the same design. The success was his it seems The surrender, mine. I knew I lost her when remoteness traveled to her face and tongue.
(Grabs a broom)
The thrill came slowly – centuries delayed Life is shorter than summer Seventy years is spent. Sorrow is polite and stays. We must be sweeping up the heart and putting love away. We shall not want to use it until eternity. Pain’s element of blank can’t recollect when it were not. It has no future but itself; infinity contain.
MATTIE (Mockingly)
Leaving so soon, Mrs. Bingham?
MILLICENT Goodbye, Mrs. Bianchi.
(Stresses the title.)
EMILY (Sighs dispiritedly)
It is the Children’s Hour. Love that was meets love too best to be. Their junction is … eternity. Even a prison gets to be a friend.
MATTIE I’m sorry you’ll miss the grand gala celebrating the publication of my book – Mama’s and mine. The Single Hound – Poems of a Lifetime.
(Sighs ecstatically)
EMILY Did you ever read poems backwards, because the plunge at the front overturned you?
MILLICENT You are obnoxious to the last degree, like all your family. Deliver me from “push”.
EMILY Love is a loaded gun that grants the power to kill without the power to die. Girls, girls! Shall we laugh at this catastrophe?
MATTIE Your history – insofar as you have one – is scandal, convictions and homelessness. You wouldn’t understand.
EMILY Mattie, were revenge accessible, I would surely wreak it. Trust me. Revenge is an apparition. More prudent to assault the dawn.
MILLICENT I understand that when one conveys the impression that the work one did is one’s own work when it is actually appropriated, one commits an act of piracy. When there is misrepresentation of facts it is falsehood, deception, perjury, fraud, deceit, sham, pretence, perfidy, distortion, invention, dishonesty, treachery, counterfeit, fiction, myth, humbug, hyperbole and swindle!
MATTIE Your mother was no better than a common whore!
EMILY Mattie, Mattie, you are royal! As there are apartments in our minds we never enter so we should respect the seals of others. Spirits rising too high inflate and feed on awe. You will never merit the ethereal scorn she evanesced.
MILLICENT And what was your mother? I know all about her affair with Mr. Bowles, all the while she behaved so high and mighty! She was a vindictive –
(MATTIE Slams the door to avoid another recitation. A shingle falls off The EVERGREENS and its lights fade. MILLICENT drags her trunk a short distance, then opens it and sets up camp – a cabana-tent, folding table, campstool, etc. Ties a pennant reading “Purity & Wisdom” to the top of the cabana.)
MILLICENT (Shouting in the direction of the EVERGREENS)
Vassar’s song was written by Edna St. Vincent Millay!
(Shouts the words)
Offended God of love and kindness We have denied, forgotten thee, Twisted, unlovely and obscure Gifts we – er- hum-tum.
(Realizes the song is depressing and badly written plus she doesn’t remember it. Mutters sheepishly to herself)
Unfortunately Edna was expelled.
EMILY (Stroking her hair)
Love’s transmigration becomes idolatry of family. This silence is infinity – it has no face. Absence disembodies just like death. Poor child.
MILLICENT (Collapses on campstool, shoulders bowed, head down. Opens a notebook:)
Principles of Human Geography by Millicent Todd Bingham!
(Begins scribbling feverishly.)
EMILY Oh, Child! We have at least a pair of lives. With tomorrow in the cupboard, who can hunger? We do not play on graves because there isn’t room! People come – they hang their faces so we’re fearing that their hearts will drop and crush our pretty play. And so we move as far as enemies away.
(Spotlight on MATTIE at her much more elaborate desk)
MATTIE Dear Houghton Mifflin, As the sole heir of the Dickinson family in Amherst and holder of the Dickinson copyrights, I am preparing a volume of recently discovered poems by my aunt Emily Dickinson that were withheld from publication by her sister Lavinia …
EMILY (Peering in the window)
Each age is a lens. Poets light a lamp; themselves go out. Light, Mattie. Light!
MILLICENT (Writing a letter of her own)
Dear Houghton Mifflin, my mother Mabel Loomis Todd, editor of the four original volumes of poetry and letters of Emily Dickinson, is interested in publishing a further volume based on papers left her by Lavinia Dickinson in a will which has mysteriously disappeared… Fortunately mother is in possession of an original contract granting her half ownership of the published volumes –
(Gouges the paper so angrily it rips. Says in frustration)
MILLICENT I feel I exist to do this. I am involved without question and I am glad to be.
EMILY (Wandering sadly between the two of them)
Finding is the first act; the second is – loss. Absence of the witch does not invalidate the spell.
(Feigning an argument)
There is a megatherium among the strawberries! Your nettle stung my rose!
MATTIE To the Trustees of Harvard College: I would be willing to meet with your literary curators who are interested in discussing the ultimate disposition of papers pertaining to my late, much revered aunt, the poet Emily Dickinson –
MILLICENT To the Trustees of Amherst College: I would be very interested in discussing with you the acquisition and protection of my mother Mabel Loomis Todd’s papers. As you know she was a friend of the American poet Emily Dickinson as well as her first editor –
MATTIE Mrs. Todd’s so-called “contract” is a draft copy prepared by herself. My aunt Lavinia’s papers makes no mention of Mrs. Todd’s contribution whatever and her contract states unequivocally that copyright resides solely in the Dickinson family…Patrimony! Patrimony, patrimony, patrimony!
EMILY What about matrimony, bridalled and shrouded in a day? Longing is a seed that wrestles with the ground.
MILLICENT (Addressing the audience)
Real hate is focused, waiting for vengeance. The emotion of hatred keeps the hater alive and vigorous. Hatred cannot continue unless the souls are kindred and the closer the likeness the more virulent the hatred.
EMILY (Sighs)
I hope heaven is warm. There are so many barefoot ones. If a flower keeps its appointments, why should the heart be so tardy?
MATTIE (Still writing – recites in a throbbingly romantic, thrilling voice)
In the witchery of an undreamed Southern spring Emily was overtaken – doomed forever by her own heart. It was instantaneous, overwhelming and impossible. Two predestined souls were only kept apart by her sense of the duty to preserve love untarnished by the destruction of another woman’s life…
(Throat catches on a sob)
EMILY (Embattled)
Biography first convinces us of the fleeing of the biographed. She mistook a winged spark for lightning! Consummation is the hurry of fools; expectation the elixir of the Gods. Go slow my soul to feed itself! Love deferred will fade like … ice cream. Redemption – for a kiss!
MILLICENT (Shouting in MATTIE’s direction)
The enclosed volume, Bolts of Melody, contains more than six hundred previously unknown poems by Emily Dickinson from my mother’s extensive private collection…
EMILY Poor fatherless serpent!
MATTIE Dear Houghton Mifflin, if you publish any volume of poems to which I hold the copyright I will sue!
EMILY Here’s a pretty lawsuit! It is essential to the sanity of mankind that each should think the other crazy. Thus does spirit dialog with dust.
(MILLICENT and MATTIE speak at once)
MILLICENT Dear Amherst College, In securing my treasure trove of Dickinson papers I seek an institution that will –
MATTIE Dear Harvard College, In preventing further interference with the Dickinson copyrights I seek to leave them to an institution that will –
(They stop and glare at each other. EMILY throws up her hands)
EMILY Heaven or hell? Think, Mattie! Character determines whether eternity be velocity or pause! Fundamental signals come from fundamental laws. The way is closed from where they came. The seconds pursue the centuries, the centuries pursue – eternity. A plank of balm is swallowed by the escapeless sea. My little force explodes and leaves me bare and charred.
(The two girls speak at the same time)
MILLICENT Dear Harvard College – It is my intention to sue –
MATTIE Dear Amherst College – It is my intention to sue –
EMILY Only love can wound and only love can heal the wound. To have lost an enemy is almost more memorable than to find a friend.
MILLICENT Ignoramus!
MATTIE Upstart!
(They both clutch their chests and, miming heart attacks, sink floorward like marionettes. Emily tries to rouse them)
EMILY Inter the docile ones – we will dare to live!
(It doesn’t work. Lights out on the girls. Alone, EMILY comes to sit at the edge of the stage)
EMILY Can human nature survive without a listener? Life is but Life! And Death but Death! And Bliss is Bliss! And breath is breath! Death’s waylaying’s not the sharpest tool of time. There marauds a sorer robber – Silence is his name. The éclat of death is unknown renown. I don’t like paradise. I am not used to hope – I’d perish of delight. I never felt at home below, in the handsome skies I shall not feel at home, I know. I stand witness to the certainty of immortality – but – departing grace afflicts me with a double loss. Is heaven a place – or sky or tree? The dead have no geography Abdication of belief makes behavior small. Hope’s a subtle glutton! Love is resurrection Scooping up the dust and chanting, Live! Take all away from me but leave me ecstasy!
(Coming close, peering into audience)
O, Master, master, is it you? Have you come to keep your promise to the sparrows who know how to starve or to shatter me with Dawn?
(Attempts to dismiss us)
Art thou the thing I wanted? Begone – my tooth has grown Supply a minor palate that has not starved so long. I tell thee while I waited the mystery of food Increased till I abjured it and dine without – like God.
(Looks uneasily into the utter darkness behind her. There is nowhere to go. She is alone.)
What is earth but a nest from whose rim we are falling? I had a terror I could tell to none. Who knows how deep the heart is or how much it holds? Perhaps the balm seemed better because you bled me first. When did the dark happen? I thought I could play where sundown couldn’t find me. It would be comfort forever to look into your face and have you look in mine. Did you bring the little chest to keep the “alive” in? Heaven is so cold! It will never look kind to me if God, who causes all, denies such little wishes. Fabulous is the revelation that we shall hunger no more!
(Holds out her arms)
Life is the finest secret. So long as that remains, we must whisper.
(Whispers)
The only thing worth larceny is immortality.
(Closes her eyes to feel the darkness)
A love so big it scares me rushes in my breast. Master, open wide your life, and take me in forever! Sinew and snow in one, an avalanche of sun!
(Closer and closer to audience)
“It is finished” can never be said of us! Creator! May I bloom?
(Curtain rises on a Massachusetts courtroom in the 1890’s. Judge seated at center; witness box directly beneath his high lectern, bleachers to left and right. Buzzing noises of excited crowd)
JUDGE (Banging gavel)
We will have order in this court! Mr. Hammond, call your witness!
EMILY (Pretends to bang the gavel too)
The Unknown is the largest need of the Intellect!
(Ruffling the JUDGE’s hair)
He fought like those who’ve naught to lose But death was coy of him. He was left alive because Of greediness to die!
(Purses his chubby cheeks as if he’s an infant. Of course he ignores her)
A little madness in the spring is wholesome even for the king!
HAMMOND I call Miss Lavinia Dickinson to the stand.
(EMILY bangs the gavel)
EMILY Grief is a mouse! Grief is a thief!
(VINNIE makes her way slowly to stage center. She is wearing a ridiculous hat trimmed with ridiculous homemade, home picked flowers.)
HAMMOND State your name for the record.
(EMILY bangs the gavel)
EMILY Grief is a juggler! Grief is a gourmand!
(Loud whispered aside to judge)
Anger soon as fed is dead. T’is starving makes it fat.
VINNIE I am Miss Lavinia Dickinson of Amherst. I have always been Miss Lavinia Dickinson and I have always lived at the Dickinson Homestead in Amherst.
HAMMOND Except when you lived at the Dickinson Mansion.
(EMILY bangs the gavel)
EMILY There will be mourning, mourning, mourning at the judgment seat. The dangerous moment is when the meaning goes out of things.
VINNIE Eh?
HAMMOND Where you were born.
VINNIE Well of course I was born!
EMILY Tell the truth but tell it slant, little sister. The truth must dazzle gradually or every man be blind.
HAMMOND Raise your right hand, Miss Dickinson. Clerk, Bible!
EMILY Can dumb define divine?
VINNIE Well naturally I keep my own Bible.
(Feels in her apparently endless bag)
It was Emily’s Bible, too.
(Excited sighs of crowd. VINNIE opens the Bible, and then bats at her face.)
EMILY Laid away, I’d hoped, where moth cannot corrupt. It was a subtle moth, in its mothy way.
HAMMOND Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
VINNIE (Triumphantly shaking the Bible)
I do indeed!
(Holds it to her chest)
EMILY Truth is old as God; his twin identity. Excess of Monkey, Vinnie! As Father used to say!
HAMMOND Now Miss Dickinson, are you accustomed to business and taking care of your own property?
VINNIE Not in the slightest. Mr. Hills always acts for me.
HAMMOND Miss Dickinson; is this your signature on this document?
VINNIE No.
(Sensation.)
VINNIE That is to say, it’s my autograph.
EMILY Vinnie, Vinnie! Up from the pit you spoke!
HAMMOND Do you recall the occasion of giving this autograph?
VINNIE I have been very painfully reminded.
EMILY Whether she has forgotten or is forgetting now or never remembered it is safer not to know. Miseries of conjecture are a softer woe than is a fact of iron!
HAMMOND You invited Mrs. Todd to the house?
VINNIE (sniffs)
I never invited her. She was in the habit of coming to copy my sister’s poems. They needed to be copied. My sister’s is a very difficult hand.
HAMMOND But on this occasion of which we speak did she bring with her a gentleman?
VINNIE Between seven and eight in the evening. She brought a friend to hear about my late sister. He so cherished her memory.
EMILY What a prank of the heart! We met as sparks – diverging flints subsisting on the light we bore before we felt the dark!
HAMMOND Did you give him an autograph?
VINNIE She asked me to sign a paper. I do not recall Mr. Spaulding speaking to me on the subject. He did not point to the seal where I should sign; Mrs. Todd pointed to it, and I signed. That is all that I remember about it.
HAMMOND (Triumphantly)
Witness is dismissed!
HAMLIN (Defense Attorney steps forward)
One moment. Miss Dickinson. A few more questions if you please.
(VINNIE subsides back into her seat.)
Mrs. Todd frequented your house, did she not, to assist you with your late sister’s papers?
VINNIE She asked for the privilege of doing it.
EMILY (Shivering at his silky voice)
Zero at the bone! It must be cold because the trees shiver. The leaves are gay, but elderly. Nature gives us all her love – but science will not trust us with another world.
HAMLIN Wasn’t the transfer of this tiny – this disputed strip of land – a strip directly fronting Mrs. Todd’s residence – understood to be her recompense for the arduous labors of preparing your sister’s books for the press?
VINNIE No.
HAMLIN No?
VINNIE Isn’t that business? Mr. Hills takes care of all my business. That’s settled and gone.
(Washes her hands)
EMILY A word is dead when said some say. I say it just began to live that day. An unsifted girl, I thought that words were cheap and weak. Now I can’t conceive of anything so mighty. They glow like sapphires.
JUDGE Excuse me, Mr. Hamlin, but the Defendant responded in her Defendant’s answer that Mr. Austin Dickinson wished her to be compensated, not Miss Dickinson. Therefore the issue of compensation is quite irrelevant to this case.
He that is robbed and smiles, steals from the thief.
HAMLIN Call Mrs. Todd as a witness!
(VINNIE bustles away, clutching her Bible. MABEL is elegantly, fashionably, glamorously dressed, a ship under full sail. Mr. HAMLIN proffers her a Bible)
HAMLIN Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?
MABEL Naturally.
(Settles into her seat like a burrowing dove with gloves, veil, the whole bit)
JUDGE Speak up, Mrs. Todd!
EMILY It’s a rare ear that’s not too dull to hear. Your judgeship, this woman’s constitution requires stolen fruit. Perfidy were more genuine.
HAMLIN You considered yourself a friend to the Dickinson sisters?
MABEL I did. They were sadly housebound – Miss Emily entirely so. I offered myself up unto their service.
HAMMOND (Rising up and chiming dangerously in)
You knew Miss Emily?
EMILY Not precisely knowing and not precisely knowing not. We talked about each other though neither of us spoke.
MABEL (An uneasy laugh – sounds like she’s lying)
I saw her flitting. I heard her. She was a recluse, as you know.
(Gathering confidence, trying to work the crowd)
She was never seen in church.
EMILY Divulging why I shunned them would rest my heart but ravage theirs. Doesn’t anybody notice how wide and broad these church aisles are? It took hours afterwards to catch my breath. A lonesome glee will sanctify the mind. The cricket is earth’s utmost elegy to me.
HAMMOND You spoke to her?
MABEL We corresponded. She spoke to me.
HAMMOND You spoke to her?
MABEL Words! I never spoke to her.
(HAMMOND turns away satisfied)
EMILY The only commandment I ever obeyed is “consider the lilies.” I could not bear to live aloud! It may puzzle the public exceedingly but my hard-heartedness gets me many prayers.
EMILY “Forever” is deciduous except to those who die. Sir, I have been introducing myself to planets.
HAMLIN And following Emily’s death you received property from the Dickinsons? Property on which to build your house?
MABEL Right next door to the Homestead! Within hail of the Evergreens! Naturally.
EMILY (Mockingly)
Ah, the hollow awfulness of the world! Nothing’s so stale as yesterday’s surprise!
HAMMOND (Interrupting – attacking)
And what did you pay for this property?
MABEL (Produces a lace handkerchief – works it)
Oh, I don’t recall.
EMILY We’d flee from memory – if we had wings.
MABEL It was all arranged between my husband and Mr. Dickinson.
HAMMOND Isn’t the deed in your name?
EMILY Ah! Revelation is the seed of romance! How luscious is the dripping of February! It makes our thinking pink. I’m amazed that the fascination of our predicament does not entice us more.
MABEL Everything is as Mr. Dickinson and Mr. Todd wished.
EMILY Modesty befits the soul that wears another’s name.
HAMMOND So it is fair to say no cash money exchanged hands?
MABEL Of course no money changed hands! I was helpful – merely.
HAMLIN (Attempting to resume control)
As would a generous lady act.
MABEL A generous, generous lady. Quite.
HAMMOND Offering what services in specific, if I may inquire?
MABEL I was the only one to comprehend dear Emily’s uniquely gnomic poesies.
HAMMOND Gnomic?
EMILY (Crossing her arms)
Resurrection had to wait until they moved a stone
MABEL Mystic. It was left up to me to explain her to the world from which she shut herself off.
EMILY Believing what we don’t believe does not exhilarate. I dwell in possibility –a fairer house than prose. Gathering paradise in my narrow hands.
(Attempts to dance with Mr. Hammond)
Mortality is fatal; gentility is fine, rascality heroic, Insolvency, sublime!
MABEL (Modestly)
It was I who saw every one of Emily’s books through the press!
HAMMOND Wasn’t that after Mr. Austin Dickinson died? But while Mr. Dickinson lived –
EMILY Wild nights! Wild nights! Republic of delight!
(MABEL breaks out in noisy sobbing)
EMILY I like a look of agony because I know its true.
HAMMOND (Pressing)
Did Miss Dickinson tell you she has a man of business?
MABEL Well of course I know Mr. Hills! I dine with Mr. Hills regularly! And his mother! A true lady! The sweetest –
EMILY The sincere spite of the woman, rocking truth to sleep!
HAMMOND Why did you bring your own man of business to a business meeting when Mr. Hills was absent?
MABEL Mr. Spaulding is not my man of business!
HAMMOND Then who is he?
MABEL (Feeling in her purse for a document)
Mr. Spaulding is a Northampton attorney who was recommended to me as a witness for a very minor transfer of land.
(Produces document with great relief.)
I have his deposition here.
HAMMOND And I have the disputed document here. It’s in your handwriting I see.
MABEL It’s just a tiny strip of land! Six hundred feet by –
HAMMOND Did Miss Dickinson inspect the property?
MABEL (Nonplussed) Inspect it! Emily’s meadow? On a freezing night!
HAMMOND How was Mr. Spaulding compensated?
MABEL Mr. Spaulding? Er – it was a gentleman’s favor.
HAMMOND A gentleman’s favor?
MABEL (Confused. Looks to HAMLIN for assistance.)
A lady’s favor.
EMILY Now, that’s a bundle of nonsense!
HAMMOND Had you ever met Mr. Spaulding before?
MABEL He wished to see the poet’s house!
EMILY Ah, the enchantless Pod! The suburbs of a secret a strategist should keep. Better on a dream intrude than scrutinize the sleep.
HAMMOND And that favor was within your gift?
MABEL Within my gift? No. But I was so often in attendance on dear Miss Vinnie.
HAMMOND On Miss Lavinia Dickinson?
MABEL Exactly. We were such great friends.
EMILY My only friend was my lexicon.
HAMMOND Wasn’t it Mr. Dickinson on whom you danced attendance?
EMILY Sir! You are shallow intentionally and profound by accident!
HAMMOND (MABEL’s mouth drops open.) Call Maggie Maher to the stand.
EMILY Ah, Maggie! Maggie is a warm name, as home is the definition of God.
(MABEL rushes away sobbing, seats herself unobtrusively in the audience. Garbed in a simple shawl MAGGIE steps up holding her out Bible.)
HAMMOND Do you swear –?
MAGGIE I swear no oaths. I’ve never lied in my life. I’ve got my own Bible here – a present from the Dickinson sisters.
HAMMOND You are maid of all work for Miss Lavinia Dickinson at the Homestead?
MAGGIE So I am.
HAMMOND You know Mrs. Todd?
MAGGIE (A world of disapproval)
I do.
HAMMOND You admitted her to the house?
MAGGIE Mr. Dickinson admitted her. Mr. Austin Dickinson. After that she let her own self in. Sometimes they would take a whole day out in the carriage and ask me to put up a lunch. I always put one up. He sent her messages at any hour of the day or night, and I had to carry them.
(Sensation)
EMILY Oh, Maggie! Remorse is memory awake! Departed acts are a cureless disease!
HAMMOND Did Mrs. Todd give you a reply?
MAGGIE Only to say, “Tell the Master I am always ready.”
(Wild buzzing of crowd. JUDGE stirs uneasily.)
HAMMOND Did Mrs. Todd discuss any business arrangements of compensation for editorial work in your hearing?
MAGGIE She talked about it all the time. She called it a “labor of love”.
HAMMOND You knew Mrs. Todd had received a piece of land to build her house?
MAGGIE (Crossing her arms disapprovingly)
I did. Mr. Dickinson arranged that in spite of everyone. Mrs. Dickinson was ever so grieved.
EMILY Oh, Maggie, Maggie! You had better starch the geraniums!
HAMMOND Did you see Mr. Dickinson and Mrs. Todd together?
MAGGIE She embraced him. She called him “my King” and “you dear old man.”
(Sniffs)
But they were together alone behind closed doors most of the time. While poor Mrs. Dickinson was closed up in mourning for her son.
EMILY I watched her face to see which way She took the awful news. Whether she died before she heard Or in a protracted bruise.
HAMMOND (Bringing us back on track – speaks to the audience with satisfaction)
While Mrs. Todd and Mr. Dickinson were alone together behind closed doors at the Homestead?
(Crowd gasps. Lynch mob noises. MAGGIE nods.)
MAGGIE Hours at a time. That’s what their consciences allowed them.
EMILY Ah, the smitings of conscience! If there’s one thing to be grateful for, it’s that one is oneself and not somebody else. Faithful to mystery. The rest is perjury!
JUDGE (Banging gavel)
I am ready to rule!
HAMLIN But your honor –
EMILY Bring out the stocks and the long-lashed whip! If your nerve denies you, go above your nerve! Can there more than love and death? Tell me its name!
JUDGE I am ready to rule! Where testimonies are irreconcilable, one must look at habits of life. Miss Dickinson, a gentlewoman of sixty years, lives alone with her maid in the house her grandfather built, and was very quiet, and of a retiring disposition. She knows nothing of the world or of business and her testimony gives a sufficiently clear picture of the refinement of her life and the urgency, secrecy and misrepresentation of the defendant.
MABEL (Rising)
Oh!
JUDGE On the other hand the defendant is very much a woman of the world. She has not spent her life in seclusion in this little town of Amherst. She has the business experience of extensive travel as a public lecturer.
MABEL Oh!
EMILY Two swimmers wrestled on a spar Until the morning sun When one turned smiling to the land – Oh God! The other one!
JUDGE Clear case of fraud and so I rule! Deed is voided, land is returned, Defendant to pay costs. Court dismissed!
EMILY Eyes in death still begging – raised And hands beseeching, thrown!
(A path in town a few weeks later. On the stage apron, before the closed curtain- VINNIE, rushing past with a basket, is stopped by a heavily veiled SUE. EMILY chases ineffectually after.)
SUE (Shakes a newspaper at her)
What is this about giving Mrs. Todd our property? The patrimony of the children’s generation?
EMILY Sue, Sue, if we met with our deserts we would receive nothing. It’s avarice to hoard. You are past correction, Vinnie.
VINNIE (Desperate, guilty, looks around for help – there’s none)
I’m sure that’s impossible!
(SUE puts the paper in front of her nose)
SUE It says so right here under “Property Transfers”. Property transfers have to be publicized, Vinnie.
VINNIE (Helplessly)
But it can’t be. Mrs. Todd said – she lied to me.
EMILY She dropped so low in my regard I heard her hit the ground. Accused thou wert! Partake the infamy!
SUE She lied to you? Well of course she lied to you, Vinnie! That woman’s black with sin! She’s brought a sword into this family!
EMILY Poverty be justifying for so foul a thing. I can defeat the rest but you defeat me, Susan.
VINNIE I thought – not a transfer exactly – just we can’t have any building.
(More firmly, knowing she’ll be agreed with)
No building on the meadow.
SUE (Very satisfied)
I thought Mr. Hills was handling your business, Vinnie. I thought you agreed you needed Mr. Hills.
EMILY Oh, Susie, this is dangerous! Think flowers cry for dew? No, they cry for sunlight, though it scorches them, scathes them! They are through with peace!
VINNIE (Very meek)
None of us want building. I thought we were all agreed.
SUE And of course you can’t read documents without your glasses. A clever hussy could get you to sign anything.
EMILY Oh, Sue, Sue! For a beam from your brown eyes I would give a pearl. We’re of injury too innocent to know when it is passed.
VINNIE (Sniffily)
I don’t have glasses. My health has always been perfect.
SUE Why then it’s a case of fraud. It’s a case for the police. We’re going straight to Mr. Hills!
(Commandeers VINNIE)
EMILY I’m nothing but a hard heart of stone, Susie, and if mine is stony, yours is stone upon stone for you never yield. Are we going to ossify, Susie? Then how will it be? A lie is vocal when we die.
(SUE sweeps unseeing past her, puts her arm through VINNIE’ s and bears her away.)
(MABEL and VINNIE, both black-clothed, taking tea in the Homestead parlor. EMILY cavorts, playing hopscotch games they cannot see.)
EMILY If recollecting were forgetting Then I remember not. If forgetting, recollecting How near I had forgot. Heart! We will forget him! You and I, tonight! You may forget the warmth he gave I will forget the light.
(Mimes rolling dice)
We lose because we win – gamblers toss your dice again!
VINNIE Mabel, I do wish – we all wish –
(Gasp of distaste)
That you not wear black. It’s so undignified, don’t you see? Don’t you see it opens the family up to talk and scandal?
EMILY Oh Vinnie, never improve! You are so perfect now!
MABEL I do only what He wished. Don’t you see my life must be devoted to that now? To him, of course, and to Emily. If he lived we were to marry and go West – you see I wear his ring – but now I can only tend his grave. His grave, and his memory. And Emily’s memory, of course.
VINNIE (Tapping her foot helplessly)
But it’s undignified! What must people think!
EMILY How happy is the little stone That rambles in the road alone And doesn’t care about careers And exigencies never fears!
(Shakes her head)
The mind lives on the heart like any parasite, dear Vinnie!. If full of meat the mind is fat!
MABEL (Takes a paper from her purse)
And that’s not all he wished. Remember?
VINNIE (Shuddering with distaste)
I don’t know what you want me to remember. I don’t wish to read my brother’s private correspondence. After a death, dear Mabel, such things are to be burned.
(Will not touch the paper)
EMILY (Arms akimbo, head shaking)
Oh, Vinnie! Bats think foxes have no eyes.
MABEL But they do burn! His words burn in me and so should they in you! Don’t you remember what he said?
EMILY (All ears)
Momentousness ripens in a human soul impregnable as light! A single screw of flesh is all that pins the soul.
VINNIE Things are so changed, Mabel! Everything is changed! We are authoresses now, public persons, don’t you see, in this new world! Did you get the fresh poems I sent you? I found them in the linen closet! Who knows how many more there might not be in this big house? And –
(Awkward change of subject)
How is the new volume coming?
MABEL It’s difficult to concentrate on anything when I have so much sorrow!
(Gasps; threatens tears.)
When – my Master’s wishes go unfulfilled.
EMILY To die before one fears to die may be a boon. Folks knock at the grass and the grass lets them in. With ghosts so attentive, what cause have we to complain? Still, we are children, and children fear the dark.
VINNIE But Mr. Hills is my business manager and says I can do nothing without his oversight. Don’t you see, Mabel? When you have a position in the town you are not free.
EMILY (Miming)
I never hear of prisons but I tug childish at my bars only to fail again!
MABEL But a deed need not be recorded. It would be a secret, Vinnie, don’t you see? Then no one would know.
VINNIE (Stunned into giving her real objection)
It need not? Sue would be so angry if she found out–
EMILY Night is my favorite day. That’s why I love silence so. The infinite’s a sudden guest.
MABEL I know the rages of the Black Moghul! To think she still stalks the sod while my King molders beneath it, his wishes forgotten! How can one endure! No, no, Vinnie, the Black Moghul must never know.
(Leans closer confidingly)
It will be our little secret.
EMILY (Dancing)
Surgeons must be very careful When they take the knife Underneath their fine incisions Stirs the culprit – life!
VINNIE Well, it’s the patrimony – she’d find out. They all would know.
MABEL But what about that tiny strip of meadow just in front of my house? Merely a little strip, Vinnie! Fifty-three feet by six hundred! And landscaped already – planted already to my – and my Master’s – choice. Nothing would be different.
EMILY We are orchard sprung! I raised robins in that garden! If I helped one fainting robin I shall not have lived in vain. My flowers were disobedient. To be a flower is a profound responsibility.
(Sighs)
One clover, one bee and revery! Revery alone will do if bees are few.
VINNIE Nothing would be different?
EMILY Silver scruples! The grass does not appear afraid. Perhaps its well our senses aren’t at home. Vinnie, your riches taught me poverty. Earth is short and anguish absolute.
MABEL (She’s a hard worker)
Nothing! No money changes hands! Who would ever know?
EMILY Back your morals with a mastiff and manners may prevail! Suspense – the gnat that mangles men! Suspense is hostiler than death!
VINNIE You know I’d like to sign. Emily needs you to work on her book.
MABEL Oh, that’s a gift of love! An honor! A privilege to perform these little tasks for the sainted singer of Amherst! Would you care to walk the property before you sign?
VINNIE Oh, no. I walked there just last night. I often go when the moon is full.
(Hesitatingly, full of embarrassment)
I have faith that Emily is there.
EMILY Faith’s a fine invention when gentlemen can see. But microscopes are prudent – in an emergency.
MABEL (Uncomprehending)
Emily’s buried in the churchyard, Vinnie.
EMILY (Passes her hands frantically in front of their unseeing eyes)
There are no dead. The grave’s our moan for them! A soul escaped the house unseen! Hands the grave has grimed place in our own, denying they have died. It’s not that dying hurts us so but living hurts us more. Unable are the loved to die, for love is deity.
VINNIE Her spirit, Mabel. Of course that is what I mean. Oh, how she loved that meadow! She used to say the sunshine was a sacrament and the breeze communion wine!
EMILY (Crosses herself)
In the name of the Bee and the Butterfly and the Breeze – Amen!
(Clutches her chest)
What shall I do? It whimpers so, this hound within the heart! If sinew tore and soul seesaw, lift the flesh door and give the poltroon oxygen!
(Threatens) Vinnie, an imperial thunderbolt will scalp your naked soul!
MABEL Yes, certainly. We will treasure its honor intact – for her.
EMILY (Asking the audience) I lost a world the other day – has anybody found? You’ll know it by the row of stars around its forehead bound.
VINNIE (Postponing the fearsome moment)
I don’t have my spectacles.
EMILY We grow accustomed to the dark when light is put away. Spiders sew at night without a light and conscience reads without its glasses on revelations’ wall.
MABEL That’s fine, Vinnie. We will need a witness at any rate.
VINNIE A witness? Shall I call Maggie?
MABEL A lawyer of course, Miss Lavinia! What did you think?
EMILY A lawyer! To extricate suffering humanity from its hopeless ditch?
VINNIE But Mr. Hills –
MABEL (Finger to her lips, shakes her head complicitly)
Mr. Spaulding! Mr. Spaulding!
(A proper Victorian gentleman enters the room and doffs his hat)
MR. SPAULDING Oh, Miss Dickinson, it is such an honor to attend you!
MABEL Mr. Spaulding is from Northampton.
MR. SPAULDING Greetings to you, good ladies.
EMILY And marrow of the day to you. The sun took down his yellow whip and drove the fog away.
MR. SPAULDING (He looks around with relish)
To tread the selfsame boards of the Belle of Amherst is such a privilege, as God’s my witness!
EMILY If belles are kangaroos, good Sir! Charm invests a face imperfectly beheld.
VINNIE (Softening)
You’re an admirer, Sir?
MR. SPAULDING Yes, indeed. How I should like, how I would do my utmost in your service if I could discreetly touch any item, anything – on which she laid her hand.
EMILY Utmost is relative. None see God and live. Alas, my body’s as unnecessary to me now as boots to birds. My every scar’s a gem. Are you a gem collector, sir?
VINNIE This is her tea set here. She won prizes for her Indian bread – Father would eat no other. I wish Maggie could duplicate it.
MR. SPAULDING (Picks up a teacup -– studies it and is overcome)
Oh. Oh.
(He declaims)
Because I would not stop for death He kindly stopped for me. The carriage contained –
VINNIE But just ourselves
MABEL And immortality. Such delicate insights!
MR. SPAULDING Who could plumb the secrets of that heart?
EMILY Sir, thoughts we will not show are more intimate than persons that we know.
MABEL (She thrusts the paper at Mr. Spaulding.)
Miss Dickinson would like this deed of transfer properly witnessed.
EMILY Madness is divinest sense to the discerning eye. Much sense – Seems starkest madness. Assent and you are sane. Demur – You’re straightway dangerous and handled with a chain.
VINNIE (Panicked)
For just the meadow, now! The little strip of meadow!
MR.SPAULDING Six hundred by twenty-two hundred feet, is what it says here. A transfer of land you understand.
VINNIE (Ruffled)
Of course I understand! My signature goes where?
MR. SPAULDING (Produces a tablet and helps her with her signature.)
If you’ll just dot that there – there you go. Right as rain. Now if I may just peep into the Poet’s conservatory? Where she cherished her blooms in our cold hard winters!
EMILY We are a vivacious climate, kind sir. Curiosity is a Garden in the brain. The goodwill of a flower is minted holiness.
MR. SPAULDING (Looking thirstily about)
She loved too well, they say. And that was why she never left her home.
EMILY This dirty little heart inside its freckled shrine – not with a club was it broken but with a whip. So small you couldn’t see it.
VINNIE (Very excited)
We each bore up under terrible disappointment. We clung only each other. Such cold winters! So hard!
(She is getting worked up about MR SPAULDING)
The conservatory has fallen into sad disuse I’m sorry to admit. You see, neither Maggie nor I can spare the time –
MR. SPAULDING And we’re none of us getting younger, are we?
EMILY Vinnie runs all day with her tongue abroad, like a summer dog. She has always been the pert one, gifted with Poetry of Motion. Oh, Vinnie! I have a strong surmise that moments we have not known are tenderest to you!
(SPAULDING pockets tablet and paper and offers VINNIE an arm)
MR. SPAULDING I’m so fond of literary ghosts!
EMILY My art had patrons – once a queen and once a butterfly. My splendors will entertain the centuries when I am dishonored grass whom none but beetles know.
VINNIE This way, Mr. Spaulding.
MR. SPAULDING (His hand on hers along his arm)
Please call me Timothy. I’d like to think of us as friends.
MABEL (Watching them wryly)
Well, I’ve got a great deal to do if I’m to get the latest volume to the printers before I go to Japan. Mustn’t tarry.
(Bustles out. They all leave EMILY alone)
EMILY She speeds as petals of a rose offended by the wind. Frigid and sweet her parting face – frigid and fleet my feet. Penury and home – who was she to withhold from me?
(To the audience)
Endow the living with the tears you squander on the dead! Twice have I stood a beggar before the door of God! I stunned myself with bolts of melody. The rumor of delirium was a hope so juicy ripening I almost bathed my tongue, but… We outgrow love like other things and put it in the drawer. Eden’s not so lonesome as New England.
(Clutches her chest)
A pain so utter swallows memory up. They shut me in the cold and they themselves were warm. You forgot but I remembered – I recalled enough for two. We tell a hurt to cool it. It is good that we are dreaming – it would hurt awake. I dropped this world like a bundle.
(Declaims)
Softness suffuses the story Silences the teller’s eye The children have no further questions Only the sea reply. Dominion lasts until obtained – possession just as long. But everlasting are the lips known only to the dew These are the brides of permanence, supplanting me and you.
Alysse Aallyn 