Power is a heady thing. Maybe it meant I’d get some
Questions answered. “You really think she stole his jewels?” He pulled away.
“He her diamonds as a wedding gift.” Well, THAT seemed weird. I recalled the rock weighing down Mirabel’s left hand. If he threatened prosecution Would that make her disappear? “At least he gave one lead. Jacobson’s.” Verne’s face set Mulishly. “A toady.” If I was in charge I must be Boss. No more of this false modesty. “How long’d she work for him?” Sore subject! He thrashed in his seat Like a captured cat.
“Years. I took her to England So she’d break things off Only to discover He was still hounding her with Requests.” Requests? “What requests?” Fingers drummed. “Scouting.” “Scouting for what?” “Well, he’s a porn producer.” Verne touched my knee to See into my eyes. “I’m sorry.” Was this the secret Mirabel Did not want me to know?
Was this why she disappeared? “Was there…anything between them?” “Definitely at first. I wooed her away.” He considered. “He disappointed her somehow.” Not hard for married men to do! Verne looked at his hands. “He asked her to launder money Buying diamonds. I think it was a trap.” I caught on quick.
“He set up the theft?” In Ravi’s mind was he the only Rightful owner and Everyone else a thief? Verne explained: “He wanted people around Who couldn’t get away.” Why did that sound like such A perfect description of Verne?
Here’s Mirabel surrounded with Men wanting to possess her Utterly. I shuddered. It made ME long to disappear. It also made it less likely she escaped To be with one of them. “Where’s Mrs. Ravi?” “He SAYS his wife lives in Paris. But No one’s ever seen her.” Could we have two, not just one Missing brides? Was marriage itself A disappearance?
As we conversed Another limo pulled up, Beaver-coated man rushed out – Ravi! And off they went. I made my decision. “Follow that car.” Back to Brooklyn! Obviously that address meant something After all. “Stop here,” I ordered At the final turn. Now that we knew His destination why risk Confrontation? “But he lied to us!” Swore Verne.
“Just watch,” I argued, “He’s one step behind.” Ravi vaulted from the car Phone clutched to ear, Shaking his fist at the darkened sky. “Look. He’s blowing up her phone. And see? She’s not answering,” Unwillingly Verne traversed My argument. “She’s long gone. Maybe She kept a vehicle here.” “She didn’t have a license,” quibbled Verne. But he seemed oddly cheered That Ravi didn’t have her, either. And maybe, even late-arrived I was his authority on. Mirabel.
That’s not nonsensical I already felt I knew her Better than he ever could. Why bother telling him How easily fake licenses are obtained – Girls must have some secrets. “Maybe it was my mistake to insist We meet her family.” He chewed his lip. I saw His sly technique – HE was responsible For my presence here, not Mirabel!
He was a liar too. “Let’s sleep on it,” I suggested. “Give her a chance To contact us.” It would take Benedryl To sleep with all this buzz. I wished He’d take his hand off my knee But why say that Just when we got along So splendidly? She wasn’t here. She’d get as far as possible From anywhere associated With these two men. But why WAS I involved?
That’s the deepest mystery here. Now Verne was trying to hold My hand, laying his head Awkwardly along my shoulder. “You’re such a comfort. Did you share her sister secrets?” I could feel him luring Me to play fake with him.
My parents do it all the time Begging for that Opiate of reassurance. I can’t do it with them And I couldn’t start now. “Buck up –“ I braced him, “We’ll Know more tomorrow.” He unleashed my hand and Glared at me distastefully.
“I blame this new androgyny,” He complained. “Girls have lost the art Of coquetry.” And a good thing too, I thought.
In the elevator Verne commanded: “Game face only.” I was bemused. Which game is that? Bride and Seek – ancient party game – Does not end well, as I recall. We decanted at the penthouse floor. Battle of Rich Men, I thought, Who forecast how my Weekend would devolve?
But this man’s apartment seemed really his – As opposed to Verne’s Antiseptic rented rooms – Each gaudy piece was carefully curated, Trucked in from God knows where; Art deco friezes, Naked ebony statues Bows & arrows Brass and torchieres. And that’s just the hall!
Leather paneled, copper nailed door Broached before we even rang the bell and A handsome, shorter, older man stood before us in silk robe and slippers. Mirabel with this guy? I froze my face – What’s the use of beauty If this is all it gets you – Verne’s at least good-looking.
“Why, Verne,” he said in a voice even I Recognized as jovially false: “What brings you at this hour? Please come in.” Bizarre foreign accent I couldn’t place. He took my hand, mauled it like many An unbalanced teacher at my School for Introducing Adolescents to Adult Subject matter Looooong Before They’re Ready.
I am practiced at mind-closing Even as they woo me. “You can only be Mirabel’s lost sister.” “That’s just it,” I said, “It’s Mirabel who’s lost, not me.” “I’m Ravi Krutupian,” said the man, refusing to let go. I felt my first flicker of Actual fear – I was alone in the world With two strange men who wore Compulsive need like designer logos.
I don’t blame Mirabel for Disappearing rather than marry among this ilk but Where does that leave me? Krutupian’s inner rooms weren’t reassuring. Dark, hand-carved, probably fake Tree branches projecting from the walls Displayed a riot of glittering objects. “Welcome to my enchanted forest,” Says the man in sleeper gear.
“Please leave your shoes by the door.” He slid the bolt as We came through. “I know it’s late,” Verne began, Ravi said, “I never watch the time. Drink? Pot of coffee?” A steel black kitchen offers coffee from A wall recess, so why not? Spiked mine with hot milk and brown lump sugar.
“Where did Mirabel SAY she was going? Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?” Was that a tinge of glee I heard? I’m sure Verne heard it too. He might go off on any moment – I didn’t think he was coping well “Game face” was not in evidence. We sat in an upholstered leather booth Dragged from some café. “She didn’t say,” said Verne.
“She was late for dinner,” I told this strange new man. “I just arrived at six o’clock.” “Sisters can be difficult,” said Ravi. “Or so I’ve heard. Your relationship was good?” Wow! Mirabel wasn’t great at giving folks The basic facts about her family. Was he implying Mirabel left because of ME?
Two Marshott girls can’t breathe at once? I decided not to go there. “She seemed fine when we tried on clothes together,” I allowed. I began to feel hopped up on coffee. Better quit before the shaking hands. I Banged my mug upon his shiny table. Verne seemed content to let me Handle this.
“I heard you knew her well.” Let him think she’d squealed – I smiled in a way that forecloses Further questions and He blinked at me indulgently. “I haven’t heard a word Since her going away party.” Ripple of surprise from Verne. “Going-away party” unknown to groom? Ravi kept smiling. He had a lot of teeth.
Too many, I’d say. Must be A rich man thing. “Maybe she needs a honeymoon alone,” He offered – “I heartily recommend Falling in love with yourself first of all.” We did not believe him for a minute – He was needling Verne. This bad conversation Kept getting worse.
“She certainly had the means – I gave a generous parting gift Then found she helped herself to more.” His face hardened, steely-eyed. “I didn’t know until she tried to fence my stones.” “Mirabel stole from you?” Verne spluttered. “Who knows what was going through her mind,” Ravi spread his hands – “She may have been confused about my gift. No harm done. Jacobson returned my stones.”
What did all this mean? Don’t concern yourself with Mirabel, she’s just a petty thief? Disappeared from exposure, vanished From the shame? I felt surge of prosecutorial passion: Was it possible to get to the bottom of this? Never had “game face” seemed so Dangerous and unappealing. “She worked for you?” I tried to clarify.
“She was my scout. She brought me – Things I might want to buy.” Verne’s boil burst. “She never needed cash to flee!” He sounded ready for a fight But in defense of his money and his charm and Not my sister. Ravi skirted the issue With old-world politesse.
“Women always keep some expenses private.” My mother calls it “mad money”. A hundred-dollar bill tucked inside Your bra. Verne would never best this man Except in hotness and Eligibility. Although someone Needed to tell him he was plenty I’m not the one to explain to him. Instead I pursued my investigation.
“Did she call you?” Ravi pulled out his phone. Flicked through content. “I don’t see it.” “She took a car to the wilds of Brooklyn,” Verne asserted, coming back up A feisty Bobo doll. “Know anything about that?” He was too combative – this Wouldn’t get us anywhere. “What address?”
Ravi seemed interested. Luckily Verne recalled it. “Gravesend.” Ravi agreed impassive. “I’ve got no information.” Verne stood up. This felt bad. “Sure she isn’t hiding here? Using some old key?” Ravi rose too. Short but still impressive.
“She never had a key. She couldn’t enter Without my knowing. I’d rather My house guests weren’t disturbed.” Verne veered away. Fisticuffs avoided. Ravi walked us – still miming helpfulness Towards the door. “I suggest missing persons. Get police involved.”
He seemed to know this would insult Verne further It did but Verne could shake it off, Punch-drunk as he was. “What good are they?” Ravi pushed his luck. “Troll the basics – hospitals and morgues.” Verne’s face melted like a gargoyle.
Turning to me Ravi backtracked – “Bridal nerves? Their engagement was So sudden.” “We’ve been together forever!” Verne barked. I took his arm. “Sorry we’ve inconvenienced you.” Somehow that door got opened. “No problem. Let me know if she turns up.”
I shoehorned Verne outside. “You’ll tell us if she calls?” “If that’s what Mirabel wants.” I got the door shut before Verne Attacked him. “I hate that guy! He’s so disgusting! How I wish we hadn’t come!” I thought he might weep.
The elevator opened without being Summoned. This whole place Intent on ridding itself of us. But Verne resisted. “I bet she’s in there.” He looked back longingly. “I bet she’s not.” I muscled him Into the elevator. “How do you know?” He looked to consult my Magic powers.
“He accused Mirabel of stealing!” Verne blew that off. “Mirabel’s light-fingered. He steals from the world, she steals from him.” He didn’t seem to realize This philosophy could apply to him.
Why marry someone you can’t trust? One more thing I still don’t get About Adult World. I reassured politely. “She’s burned that bridge. I could tell.” Verne taxed me how I knew – Sneering, “Woman’s intuition?” Since he couldn’t trust Mirabel How could he trust me? Needing me made him hate me. I would have to manage him Like a parent. Luckily He relaxed into the car without fuss. I said, thoughtlessly – “I’m psychic.” I say that to my parents because They’re so clueless about Others’ vital signs – If you have to explain the obvious! His whole face changed. He became Pathetically excited. “Of course!” he said. “The sister thing! It creates A Psychic link. I have no siblings. So Tell me what you feel? Where’d she go?” The driver also needed to know: Where to? We put him on pause while I equivocate. “I haven’t seen her in so long, Our connection’s fogged.” The only thing I knew for sure was Mirabel hated Ravi as much as I did. “I need to get to know her again.” “Tell me where to go,” said Verne. Then he spoke the magic words. “I’ll do anything.”
Too many emotions To remember — Depression, disgust, anger, Amazement. But am I safe to say I’m not “alt-Mirabel” And I never will be?
When this journey began I sort of envied Mirabel – I think We all enjoy imagining A Perfect Life – I’ve even caught parents & teachers doing it. How delicious doing only Everything you want!
Relief to feel above it all! But now I saw her slavery. When had Mirabel learned to pretend? It must have happened early – why She and never me?
Thesis, antithesis Synthesis – if I’m not Mirabel, then I’m her rival. Of course he tried to kiss me. “I’m changing,” I said abruptly. I saw by his face he thought My statement transcendental – but – “Getting out of this idiotic dress.”
“He’s downstairs,” said Verne. “You don’t have time. He’ll take us where she went.” “Then go without me,” Of course he waited- I knew he would – This rigamarole Could be staged for me alone.
When I joined them downstairs I wore my oldest jeans and Three Mad Cats t-shirt. Turned out she’d gone to Brooklyn, – a long, long way away. The driver was unhelpful – Mirabel’d said nothing and He was a glum fellow by himself. We halted in the warehouse district. Verne coaxed him to wait while we stepped out of the car. Pessimism back.
“Nothing here. I was hoping she’d get sloppy.” I had my own ideas. Behind one of these doors could be a place Where Mirabel changed In that transcendental way From one facade to many? Unlabeled doors were locked – Loading docks bereft.
No numbers, no bells, no camera and No speaker phones. I began gaining a special sense of her – Inhaling like faint perfume – Lending me a heady sense of Power I had never known.
I wasn’t alt-Mirabel But I did know her In a way denied to others – Because I’d seen her Just beginning – before She polished up her act And took it on the road. I knew what shaped her – Knew what it took to make her cry.
The question was never – When did Mirabel get wily? Because She’d always been this way – but Now I wondered Whether her plans had Ever included us. “Maybe she met another car,” Verne offered, hopefully “Parked in there.” I smelled his nemesis again – He preferred to live in a world Of dastardly rivals.
“One chance left,” said Verne. “Humiliating, but What’s to lose?” I looked him up and down Thinking how many on this planet – Would change places right this moment With this guy. My mother’s drill-sergeant snapped Inside my head, demanding we “buck up.”
Verne gave the driver another address The Upper East Side this time, and We settled in for another ride. “So…what’s this place?” “Mirabel had a job – personal assistant to… This man and they Were friends. Too close for me. They shared secrets, I just know it. He might know something.” “Was he invited to the wedding?” I inquired all ingenuous.
“No. His wife thought they Were too close too. Let’s say he gave Mirabel Too many gifts.” Aha. Torn between two rich men, Only one of them Unmarried. Picture becoming clearer. Verne drummed his fingers, Grim but cheered. “She might be there. If we take him by surprise.” His eyes raked me over.
“You were smart to change. I apologize for rushing you. Button up your coat. I want you Front and center.” I understood he Planned to use the Adolescence he’d Once forgotten – Most would blame my “sexy dressing” – But now he wanted me young and Vulnerable.
“I’m just the jilted groom. He won’t care About me – I’m the person she complained about – But you’re the abandoned sister summoned up to town.” Both would look to me for clues to what Mirabel had been.
As it happened Surprise was impossible. At another golden barracks Doorman demanded purpose for our visit. Verne said, “Emergency.” He flashed a picture From his phone. “Seen this girl tonight?”
Doorman shook his head, listening to the phone. “Penthouse Suite on the top floor. Mr. Krutupian will see you now.”
She must have known we’d come After – the apartment was empty. Furniture gazed Forlornly as I wandered through – Expensive accommodations crying out For individuality, for life. Closets still packed but Some clothes could have disappeared; How could I tell?
Bathrooms littered with impersonal cosmetics – Everything replaceable. In the long, bare white kitchen I Ignited a pot of coffee. The refrigerator was particularly sad: champagne, A month’s supply of celery juice.
And three kinds of wedding cake in origami boxes. Mirabel must have returned – however briefly – Because someone drank the last champagne. Her dress lay discarded on the floor One flounce torn, stepped on, Ground beneath a fleeing heel. When the coffee was ready I sampled cake – Choosing lemon though Everyone likes coconut and Some people cleave to raspberry. Verne was collapsed in the bedroom, Clutching Mirabel’s dress.
“I didn’t think she’d really do it,” He said. “I suppose the wedding’s off.” “Maybe she had an errand,” I stupidly proposed. “She’ll be back.” I bundled the fantasy dress into its slick bag; a glittering Promise too fragile to stand up to actual wear. “Don’t you see what’s happened?”
Verne demanded. “She doesn’t want to marry me. Probably she never did. All along There’s been this game. Some other man; Using me as leverage.” “What other man?” Was this the double life he’d mentioned?
Crazy stuff. I sat beside But not to comfort him. Let’s get some facts. “Who?” I demanded. Those fiancés were bad at facts. He held his head. “There were too many.” Now seemed the time for Comforting. “She’ll return – of course she will – Or why on earth invite me here?”
He turned to me a tear-stained face – Grabbed my shoulders and Sucked me into a kiss – That real “adult” kiss I’d pined for – Dreamed of – Oh those lonely nights After Ricky Stoekels ghosted me – But not this one – A probing invasion Shutting off my air.
I jerked away with so much force I landed on the floor. Verne threw himself On the bed, face down Wracked with sobs While I wiped my face Amazed. Kisses you don’t want Are no reward. “Love the one you’re with” – Isn’t that what Ricky Stoekels says? “She cheats, you cheat,” Bastards all. I’d received No compliment.
“Forgive me,” shuddered Verne, “I’m out of my mind. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Maybe. I recognize excuses. Having used them. “Don’t do it again,” I said. “Where would she go? You have some guy in mind?” “Maybe,” said Verne. He looked so childish, shoulders dropped, Unresponsive iPhone fallen to the floor.
I felt sorry for him but also Old; sophisticated; Like he was fourteen and I was thirty-seven. I pushed coffee. Always been my favorite panacea. He sipped in new docility. “You know the way I like it.” I corrected brusquely, “There is no cream or sugar.” “I mean strong. I like it Strong.”
There only was espresso in the house but Why proceed with this? Trying to apologize? I muted so He studied me ironically. “I suppose you’ll go home to Mama?” I felt a chill. Unconsidered horror. After grasping at Independence – Something to actually write in my break essay – I’d return A powerless teenage nobody.
And there were Further Problems were My folks convinced I’d screwed this up somehow. Or I could stay here, Indulge my favorite sport; Figuring out What The Hell Is Going On. It’s true that Verne A loose cannon now but I could always arm myself and Lock my door. Best to grab that bull by his You Know Where.
“No more kissing. OK?” He flushed a dirty red. “No. Hell no.” “Then I want to stay. Maybe she’s in trouble.” He shrugged this off. “Impossible. She’s just a tease.” But why tease ME? Did not feel right.
Of course, I don’t know Mirabel – must Remind myself – But realizing Verne was Verne he’s Probably the last to know. I’m only second-last. “You really think she’s left you?” He writhed. “We play hurt To the top of our bent. This could Be her winning shot.”
So why keep score? Did she owe me or – Did I owe her? “Well, if she left you She left me, too.” Why couldn’t I believe Mirabel would ghost me? Wasn’t that what she’d always done? It seemed different now – We’d been “sisters” together – For one split second.
A fresh chill fevered me – what if – She was handing off her bridegroom? Those matching dresses were just too weird. On the other hand, fashion is transgressive – They always try to break the rules. No. no. Let’s not go there. “It’s on till Mirabel calls it off. This could be nothing. She might come back. She’ll call. Let’s sleep. Or try this lemon cake.” He shuddered grumpily. “I chose the Hazelnut.”
We ate companionably together. He’d fed me, now I fed him. That’s called “relationship”. He fixed me with A gnarly eye. “Did she warn you? She must have said something. What did she tell you? Anything about him?” I always hated third degree.
I blush as if I’m guilty. “She told me nothing,” I said coldly. “I “Was invited to a wedding.” “She’ll never call,” he moaned. “She’ll keep the tension up Until the victim dies. That’s her way.” “Then you should call it off.” I scraped the rest of my cake Into the trash – I only Like the frosting – Hardening myself against their Craziness.
Verne rose so decisively His plate fell to the rug. “I’m going to find her,” He said. “Game on. She chose me. She doesn’t get Another choice.” What was the matter with this man? Physically attractive – Probably wealthy – Why so insecure?
The only game is not to play. Mirabel had always coveted those She could manipulate. Was That my own knowledge – or Did my parents tell me? That’s the benefit of growing up – it slowly dawns that All you’re told is nonsense. A dose of sense is Obviously required. “I think you’re looking at this wrong, Mirabel’s frightened Of our dad. He’s your “other man.”
Verne gaped at me, Focus readjusting as if He saw me for the first time. “Explain.” “Don’t you know the story? She pretended to go to college but really cashed all Daddy’s checks and lived the high life. She got in trouble with student loans, Forging dox. We haven’t heard from her for Years and Dad’s still angry.
I thought something was up when She wanted to come home.” “I didn’t know. Quite little scamp.” He seemed cheered. “Should we wed in church? I don’t know one marriage that’s survived ten years.” This man could certainly surprise me. “Mom and Dad have been married forever,”
It was more than that – They were unimaginable without each other; A true team – like Laurel & Hardy or Abbott & Costello. I could imagine no other human Who’d put up with either of them. How to convey this? “Maybe you shouldn’t get married When you are so uncertain,” I suggested. Would I get kissed or Slapped for interfering?
Adults don’t like second-guessing but Mirabel forced my hand. “All our bridges burned,” He sighed. “The only way is forward.” Depressing thought! Cheering this guy’s mood is work.
“Let’s figure out where she Could have possibly gone. Like, How would she travel?” Verne sat straight up. “Car service,” he announced. “I pay the bills. Let’s track her.”
He worked his phone. “I’m so glad “You’re staying. We need you – Alt-Mirabel.”
I felt played. It’s what they do to children. Couldn’t shuck the memory of
My own mother– Lofty & deceitful – Briskly turning “road trips” turned into “Summer camp” and “one night” Into seven.
I was being “managed”, but Could I blame Mirabel? Quoting Mom – again – “ Guests must Be adaptable, obliging – a guest has No one to blame but herself For her bad treatment.” Was it the expression on my face When she showed me that dress? Snarky baby sister punished for it now.
Mirabel had something Better to do than me. I was startled by The driver’s admiration As the Stanhope – he looked at me As if I’d matured. Had I insulted the bride By overreaching? I blame those heels – She must have secretly hated them.
Regretted her choice of bridesmaid. I was chastened as I joined Verne in splendor at the bar. He rose at the sight of me His face a tribute To a beauty that I didn’t want – I felt on the edge of a childish scene. Why didn’t his jaw set at the sight of me alone? Were they sick already Of each other?
His arm was decidedly un-brotherly: Squiring me away – He enjoyed them seeing he was meeting Some strange woman. “Let’s get you dinner.” Anything better than a bar That looked me over like Some Russian call girl.
As we turned I was confronted By the mirrors: I looked like Some Russian call girl. Blame the champagne that allowed Mirabel to paint me up. In my best-guest manner, I said, “Should we wait for Mirabel?” He demurred. “Waiting for Mirabel’s never good. It only encourages her.”
As the headwaiter flashed his menu Verne snuck angry glances At his darkened phone. “Turtle soup’s good here,” Said Verne: he knew my weakness – I yearned to sample everything. I sucked water greedily As martini-bearing waiters Smothered and assessed. I ordered pineapple juice before Verne could countermand.
He insulted me – “I heard you were religious.” I enlightened him. “Famiglia’s religious but My life’s my own free choice.” He breathed relief – I switched it up – “What kind of ceremony will you have?”
He seemed stunned I’d propositioned Then vague. “Some judge. A ballroom. Mirabel’s in charge of that.” I teased, I needled – “Mirabel says you proposed The first night you met.” Let him fear our confidence! He laughed sharply. “I was waiting for trustees to die.” Well THAT was tough to follow up.
Verne could switch it up as well. “Mirabel can be very shattering, can’t she?” I shirked disloyalty at this God’s honest truth. Chose vagueness as He had. “Life comes at us so fast.” “I tried to free her from the life,” said Verne. “I don’t believe she really let me.” This was depressing – parents hoping For good news, bride and groom stuck In mutual complaining.
“Mirabel proposed to me.” He said coldly. “It’s the title. They all do that.” I was stung on her behalf – who wants his Moth-eaten aging royalty? I almost choked On sugared juice: doesn’t sugar Wreck your palate?
I braced myself against Verne’s Un-subtle desire To put me in the “wrong”. Too bad for him – I was used to disapproval. “I think people should make themselves,” I argued everything Too fiercely.
Soup arrived, bread slathered with Mozzarella, pesto & tomato. Mini-pizzas! I sighed ecstatically and felt from him An answering thaw. “When you inherit an ancient world,” He pontificated, “you learn to value the past.” “Do you have a castle?” I asked through my full mouth.
Turtle soup OK. Too much sherry – Too much curry – He checked his phone. “It’s a ruin with tourists crawling Everywhere. Mirabel doesn’t care for it.” His phone lit up. Mirabel ‘s texts? I studied mine to be Companionable. But it was folks again – Always, with the questions. “She’s not answering,” he sighed.
“We’re not as charming as Her double life.” This jolted me. “She has a double life?” “Probably triplicate by now.” He snorted. I tried my lawyer father’s ploy; Let ‘em talk. “Tell me about it.” “She’d been so hard to pin down lately.” Did he blush or blanch? His throat was raw With pent emotion.
My face betrayed my armoring. “She seemed so ready To be a wife. Said my time Had come to meet the family.” Did he know of The Great Silence? Perfidious to squeal yet how else Could I find out What was going on? Beef wellington arrived But I was full.
“I’m amazed you were real, most frankly. I thought “the little sister” Was another of her stories. Kudos to your parents.” This – and the beef wellington – Maybe I’m vegan after all – Made me gag. “I was afraid she’d hire stand-ins but, “You’re just like her yet so Unspoiled.”
Never had a compliment Felt more like an insult. Creepy and revolting. “Mirabel and I are opposites,” I stressed Angrily before I thought. “How can that be?” He was smug. Superior. “You’re litter-mates.” “She cares what others think and I just don’t.”
That should have stopped him but – He smiled. “Sisterhood is powerful.’ Unable to read him, Know him, change him, I felt the dawning of Despair. It makes me hate The grown-up world.
“I’m becoming vegetarian,” I said. And pushed my plate away. I was trying to be polite and now I’d stopped. “Americans think food fuss Makes them interesting,” He snarled. “It doesn’t.”
But it turned out His disgust was not for me. “Imagine that,” snorted his Lordship scornfully, Still looking at his phone.
“We’re on our own, Mirabel can’t make it. And now her phone is locked! We’ll see about that! I’m ordering the car. Time to find out just what Our bride is playing at.”
Mirabel cinched me tight. “There!” The mirror exposed a stranger. I was a new person. “Too much dress” said Mirabel, “But with skyscraper shoes…” From the closet she threw out bundles.
“I’d rather wear flats,” I told her. She reproved: “Verne is very tall.” Who cares how tall HE is? “Bridesmaid shouldn’t tower over bride!” I suggested; Reining in the Clashing egos.
In weird familial telepathy Mirabel declaimed, “Princess Richenda To the Dark Tower came. Just like Tarot cards.” I admired my nude, mirrored Ribboned back. “But how about your dress?” “You’ve seen it.” Like breath went out of her – She tossed it out – they were identical.
How could that be? Wasn’t that too strange? I was gobsmacked – Never heard of bride and bridesmaid Wearing the same dress – Think of the confusing pictures – People getting entirely Wrong ideas.
“Isn’t that bad luck?” I questioned; “The groom will see the gown Before they’re hitched” – Ending Lamely, “If you believe That sort of thing.” I petered out because No one DOES believe that sort of thing. “My dress is size “zero” –“ Sniffed Mirabel –
Competitive, Combative Mirabel, and I was silenced. She knocked my phone right out of my hand – Sussing out my efforts to bring in troops – Mom would NEVER approve of this! “No pictures till the wedding.”
Her pressured speech rushed on – And on – “And now – we dress for dinner.” More fantasy clothes. I looked embarrassed at my Wrinkled skirt Discarded Carapace along the floor – shriveling Like my pride.
Mirabel threw open mirrored Doors to reveal another bedroom – This one stocked with girlish stuff. “This room is yours -” She told me – “He’s staying at The Stanhope.”
I blushed – I don’t know why – He’d called this residence “his” – But these closets were packed With Mirabel clothes so Where did I fit in? My sister unbound my dress –
I’m not used to Clothes that need assistants. There’s no getting out of these gowns Without help. “These are yours -”
Blue slits whose ruffles Matched my eyes – A dress with scales – Peekaboo and baby-doll Price tags proclaiming The less the dress the more the cost.
No bras here either – And everything my size. What was going on? Angrily I chose heels to tower over Mirabel – we’ll see who’s boss – But she didn’t seem to mind.
Her makeup kit delivered smoky eye, nude mouth and Emerald glitter. “Verne hates the kiss of Lipstick.” Who cares? These people kiss the air – I couldn’t Get the hang of this.
She wore cherry red chinoiserie – Now I’m impostor too. “He’s waiting at the Stanhope Bar.” We were silent in the elevator. I clutched the fur I’d borrowed Feeling naked –
Summoning up my nerve but Maribel seemed depressed. Deflated. Encumbered? With me? With Verne? With family obligation? Traditions I could Only guess at? I tried to play my role. “So… how did he propose?”
My query’s gaucheness seemed Amplified by elevator doors Whose golden mirror Bent our beauty so Unflatteringly we seemed Haunted.
“It’s not about when he proposed,” she Told me crisply, “but “When I accepted. He Proposed the first night we met – Five years ago – Said we’d marry – If he could get approval From his trustees.” Much to puzzle out in here! So trustees must propose to Mirabel?
O Bad New World that has Such creatures in it. “Five years ago? Was this a secret?” Why didn’t anyone – snoopy Richenda in fact – Find this out? “He hates the press – “ says Mirabel,
Whose explanations Don’t explain. “He Wants me to himself. And I was so unready – seeing other people…LOTS of other people.” Poor Verne! We nodded at the doorman, Safe beside the limo
I whispered, “How’d he win You over?” But Mirabel Did not seem to want to discuss This sacred aspect of their story. She dismissed me. “He was so adoring.”
She bundled me inside the car then Backed away confronted by a ghost. “I forgot something. Tell Verne I’ll be along.”
The car swept away, leaving Mirabel Huddled by the curb – overwhelmed by Her mink coat.
On Fifth Avenue; nonstop parade of glittery storefronts & Entitled shoppers.
Glamorous trousseau fun! . Our limo pulls up to Questrina, Sets off parking lights; A woman rushed through the double doors offering Glossy green dress bags in outstretched hands-
Driver swept them to the car and we were off again. “Your clothes,” explained Verne. Excitement, confusion; the Disappointment that Always follows bait and switch:
You get SOMETHING Just not what you expected. Had my dress been chosen for me? “I thought Maribel and I-“ “Oh, there’s lots for you to do,” He dismissed.
Surprised he didn’t offer Lollies to distract me. “Here we are,” says would-be groom. “My place.” A skyscraper on Fifth Avenue?
Shiny red and black doorman – general Of a third world country – Rushed the curb. “Your lordship.” I thought my ears unplugged. Had I heard this right? Did he speak American and was Verne in fact, “a lord”?
I should have watched those damned Downton Abbey episodes my folks begged me to see instead of proudly sequestering with Japanese anime. Limo driver brought all bags – He had to use a different elevator.
43 floor ride, black & gold enameled door thrown open on the penthouse there stood Mirabel.
Chapter Four : The Lost Sister
My eyes filled with tears and I realized How much I’d feared that This was all a scam. “Darling!”
She waved her skinny arms and kissed the air. “Mwah! Mwah! You escaped!” I couldn’t touch her – We laughed and laughed. She gave Verne a burning look – “Get us drinks”
And dragged me – Literally DRAGGED me into A double-doored bedroom and Swept me down upon a white flokati rug. We were children again – Conspiring & strategizing together or She played all the parts and I Gazed on adoringly.
She took control with those hypnotic eyes While my school self asked, IS this really Mirabel? So much smaller than my memory – Disappearing before my eyes in fact, As she had managed to do my whole entire Life; darker – blond all gone –
I know I’m taller now, but how could this tiny thing Have ever been a supermodel? Someone rattled at the door – Mirabel called – “We’re dressing!” Pulled me into giggle – “Leave it!”
Covered my mouth signalling with her Humongous eyes – Crawling to the door she – Peeked out – Pulled in a Champagne bucket and a pair of flutes.
“Grooms get in the WAY!” She laughed and toasted me. “But men! You know!” She gasped and gagged as if She’d never had such wine. I sipped sedately.
Judgingly As I’d learned to do with grown-ups. Who was this Mirabel? The way she carved me With her eyes She must be real Yet something smelled Imposture.
I just don’t know – I’m far too new – It’s far too weird. She leaned to touch my hair. “I always thought They should have named you Anne.”
The door opened and Verne stood over us Looking down reprovingly. Mirabel blanched – I thought because she’d said He’s not to enter – But he was mild enough
Laying dress bags along the bed Reproachfully As if to ask “How can you dress without dresses?” Then he was gone The door slightly left ajar. Mirabel clicked it closed with her foot. She called, “See you at dinner!”
I felt sorry for poor Verne But when we heard the outer door click Mirabel rose and unzipped the bags. She topped off her glass with Vodka from a bottle by the bed. “It’s such bad champagne,” she excused, “In Europe, babies drink this stuff.”
I studied the bottle – Beau Joie Brut Special Cuvée – A brute champagne. Tasted fine to me – like Sharpest winter air.
Mirabel offered her bottle. “No thanks.” She drained her tulip glass. ”You’ve certainly changed,” she commented. Did I drink vodka at eight years old? I said, “So have you.”
“I’m darker now. Verne wouldn’t look at blondes.” Too bad, I thought. I’d hoped she’d find a different type of guy. “Is he really a lord?” Maribel rolled her eyes. “Unfortunately.” At my surprise she added – “It always seems to mean you can’t do Anything you want.”
She shrugged. “At least the restaurants like it.” “And you’ll be –“ “Lady Verne.” She shrugged; unexcited By the prospect. Seemed The opposite of what Old Maribel would have thought.
“So, you just met?” “Oh no, we’ve been together FOREVER – And only now we tie the knot. But you!” She spun me all around. “You’re so tall! And thin!” “I eat like a horse” I apologized
I grow too fast – all my friends are vegan But I eat Everything – “I can’t seem to fast.” “Wait till after the wedding,” Said Maribel
“Then just do a purge. “Think you’d fit a four?” The dress she pulled was pale gold, fairytale dress with endless puffy skirt. My gasp relaxed Mirabel’s face. She smiled.
“I’m sure I could!” almost dropped my wineglass in my excitement to try it on. Stripped down to my unsightly sports bra And boy’s brief pants.
“Can’t wear a bra with this one,” says Mirabel. “I’ll do you up.” She gazed too long – A man’s gaze I thought – I turned away.
I followed all her modeling pages But there’s been nothing for the past Three years.
I was smart enough to know that airbrushed people don’t look like that in real life. Mirabel had been so gorgeous;
those huge eyes and perfect Roman nose seemed to promise a matching depth of soul. We all want to believe that beautiful people Get everything they need from life;
yet I remembered the Mirabel I’d known. She’d never come back to this family fold unless something had gone horribly wrong. As my train slid into the darkness of the Grand Central tunnel I texted the number I’d been given with “Train on time”
followed by a happiness emoji. Then of course I wanted to delete it But wasn’t I – as the only bridesmaid – Obligated to act excited? I’d never done any of this before – It’s Brave New World to me.
The response wasn’t from Mirabel at all but labelled @Valerian: “I’m meeting you. Mirabel otherwise occupied as usual. Look out for red hunting coat.” Who was Valerian? Where was Mirabel? Was this the fiancé who had her phone? If that was the deal from the beginning Mom and Dad would never let me come.
Here’s Mirabel at her core – proficient In the art of “softening people up” Which never meant the truth. Dad says Mirabel always “plays the inside straight” Some disparaging poker term.
As the train lurched to a stop I stood up and studied myself in the Mirrored windows. The girl “Valerian” would see Looked good enough in gray skirt with shiny thigh high patent leather boots and recently highlighted auburn hair. Nothing like Mirabel’s blond gorgeousness of course. But Out from beneath Mom’s thumb
I’d added to my eye makeup – Mom frowns on false lashes – Because looking ready for my moment gives me hope. I hadn’t answered the text: Stranger Danger just too strong. I’d Uber myself – if I knew where I was going. But I wanted the chance to Look at him before he looked
At me. That would work Unless He was the one who’d tried to Friend me – Meaning he’d seen all my pictures? Ugh. You want to be seen and yet somehow Not.
We project ourselves into others’ eyes – I want to be seen in a certain way – Where I control reactions! Of course it makes no sense And that’s what diaries are for – endlessly Trying to reshape Cellphone diary fantasy. But There he was
right by the escalators, standing out in his red coat. Mirabel would never descend to the tracks. A tall, distinguished looking man in his thirties probably, very thin – dark pants and a red down jacket. The closer I got the more Startlingly handsome was that weathered knife-planed face –
Beneath dark glasses – he broke into smiles at the sight of me. No hope of escape – If I thought anything it was – “He’s better than I dreamed!” Made it easier forging some new Relation with my uncomfortably lost sister. He reached for my bag
Kissed the top of my forehead Dry lips – tasting sweat and foundation. “Richenda?” English accent. “I Recognized you immediately. You look just like Mirabel. It’s the eyes.”
I felt a gush of pleasure at Such baseless flattery – Wanted to argue “I am not!” but Zines do say we girls must learn accepting compliments. Sooner rather than never. “Er, thanks.” So ungraceful.
“What happened to Mirabel?” “Unavoidably detained.” He swept both me and bag away from the escalator Down the platform. “We’ll take the elevator to the car service.” Actually, a limo. The driver rushed to take my pathetic flowered bag. Did the driver and this so far unintroduced man know each other – casually or permanent – hard to say.
“You’re the fiancé?” I stuttered out. He seemed surprised. “Sorry,” he said, bundling me into the limo, “It’s Wedding nerves. I’m Philip Valerian. Everyone calls me Verne.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Mom thought your name was Rupert Golden!” Verne didn’t find this amusing. “Some previous swain,” he huffed. Wedding nerves? Exactly right. He was jumpy, Fingers drumming on my knee. I was alone with @Valerian.
Fourteen and I used to be bored. Winter breaks were especially glacial
Till just recently –
Right before dinner Mom Put her head around my door : “You won’t believe what happened!” What could excite such A dull person?
But I lacked comparisons because This never happened before. Slammed my book shut because – Geometry is paralyzing – And joined the Guessing game.
“We won Powerball?” “Your sister’s coming home! To get married!” I hadn’t seen Mirabel –ten years older – in eight years. Truth to tell, I could barely remember her. A lifetime ago. “Why?”
Mom – never invited in – Leaned against the INSIDE Of my door. “Make up for the past.” Is that even possible? Or does she want a free wedding?
Mirabel was ALWAYS Always always always About the money. “So who’s she marrying?” “I think his name was something like Rupert Golden.”
“I didn’t want to ask her to wait while I got a pen. She said she’d send details. You know how she hates Snooping.” Everyone hates snooping, I thought.
Mirabel hates Accountability. Snooping can be fun If you’re the one doing it. Addictive. “Rupert Golden’s no real name,” was all I had To contribute. Mom gave me her “Like you’re the expert” face.
But fourteen year olds DO Know everything. We just forget Distracted so easily. We’ll be a whole family again for the first time in – ages.” So she can leave us again, I thought.
I knew. I’d always been Weirdly tuned from Mirabel “Murble” I called her When I learned to speak The dazzling goddess of my Dappled infancy.
Parents are nonsensical. All they cared was that She was willing to pretend for whatever short period that things are copacetic at the family manse.
Parents love pretending. “When’s this happening happening?’ “Unsettled,” said Mom. “She wants your help to buy a dress.” “Me?”
Up to that second I’d been a Peeper at The Family Drama. Did I want to participate? What choice did I have?
“You’ll be her only bridesmaid so she wants your dresses to match,” said Mom, But slowly as if just realizing What stupidity she spoke.
“You go up tomorrow night and the two of you come back Sunday.” How had she agreed to this? She still wasn’t happy.
“Unless… perhaps I’d drive you?” “I’ve taken trains before,” I said, trying to keep the baby whine Out of my voice. “I’m fourteen years old!” “But it’s the city,” wailed Mom
Panic flaring. “I’ve been to the city before, too,” I said. School field trips!!! Alone? First time for everything.
“She said she’d meet the five o’clock train,” sighed Mom, Obviously wondering How had she agreed to this? I almost didn’t like it.
So some strange woman Could call Mom up and Gain more freedom for me Than I’d ever managed?
It’s a gift. Don’t criticize its teeth. “It won’t be dark yet,” I said blithely.
“So is that where she’s living? In the city?” Rumors of international travel had reached us when Mirabel’s modeling cancelled. And all this time she’s Twenty miles away?
Mom seemed so unhappy. “I’m not sure,” she admitted. “Maybe it’s Rupert’s place. I’ll be trusting your good sense.”
She certainly can’t trust Mirabel, I thought. Someone in this family Needs to do some serious snooping.
That night someone named Philip Valerian Tried friending me on Facebook. I turned him down Like a bedspread, I Don’t talk to strangers.
Here’s the theatre where I serve my Indentured Seniors Project. Hem hem Mr. Green is late. I’ve forgotten how to sleep. It’s just not happening. Quit coffee, tried Sominex, nothing doing. Sitting in lobby of theatre school waiting for appointment. Wish I didn’t have to keep a journal the fathead faculty can read about my Theatre Experiences. I will write The Truth here and Dress it up later. Sitting next to me in an armchair is the best looking thing I’ve seen in a month of Sundays – peacenik with red gold hair & mustache named Dale Whitman.
Dylan Green strides in – receding hairline, round cheeks, hypnotic light eyes. Very attractive. Now watching them rehearse O’Casey’s Bedtime Story: Love it. I could watch rehearsals forever. Painting with people. Is that a job? Unfortunately actresses need to be seen and I wish I were invisible. How can one love fashion so much yet not want to be seen? Dr. Gilmour says I am an “enigma”. Green’s an excellent director; working on actors “mood”.
Love writing on trains. Things always look brighter. At Plumly dreaming & reflecting are criminal offenses. Must travel by train: crying for no reason in the car makes M & D think I’m psychotic.
Mon 25 Mar 68 Feel like a lonely drifter. $200 and go directly to jail. Trying to live exclusively in the present. Preston hot & cold, asks me to “give him more time.” That pisses me off just thinking about it; then he gets beggy. Don’t like him or me. He’s a placeholder. This is all my fault: I want subtle, skeptical doubting people and so that’s what I get! Ambivalent confusion. Think I’ll do my nails.
Tues. 26 Mar 68 Train to Radnor where I’m staying with the Carnahans while M & D & A cruise Virgin Islands. Hope I never arrive I like the journey so much. Carnahans very dull. Dislike her, have crush on him. She talks and talks – everything is Freudian. Any object you could grasp, touch or pick up is a penis; vaginas are negative space and no one thinks about them! He listens mournfully. Drinking.
Dancing class this AM at Southwark in leotard too big for me. Still it was fun. Release in a way, if they didn’t have so many mirrors and it was so painfully obvious I am the worst in the class. Guess my “lessons” with that hungry friend of Mom’s didn’t count.
Wanted to sit in on David Margulies’ rehearsal of Oresteia but Ron Reston made me sit in office & answer phones. Ron Bruncati asked me out to Art Museum show. I said OK. He’s bald and old enough to be my father but he is a director and its all grist.
And now for my emotional state – aha! Caught you with a bored expression. Bought a chocolate Easter egg at the station and now I’m going to eat it SLOWLY.
Wed 27 Mar 68 Ron Roston gave me some typing but Ellen Roston’s machine is broken so take an early lunch hour. (Use Sam’s machine when he’s done.) God what a year it’s been. God I would like to destroy this book. Just flipping through it is sheer psychological torture. But can’t destroy – probably for the same reason I’m compelled to finish all that’s on my plate.
Can’t write on the train any more: people are too fascinating. I want to ride in all directions as far as it goes. Just looking. (Is that a job?) Every stop would be a different story.
Bruncati picked me up ( not before I made date with interesting bearded character in acting class – Jack Foster.) Told me all about his boring Roman Catholic upbringing. He ordered alcohol for me – but they turned him down.
Yawned through art museum show – very dull except pen drawings. Pretty sure Bruncati realizes we’re no match. He was driving me up the hill to our house – amazed there was so much land in the middle of town asked, “Do you really live here or are you just trying to get me into the woods?” Har har. (He did not attack me.)
As soon as Avril gets back from Virgin Islands we’ll go see Tommy Steele in Half a Sixpence. (She will be so tan and I will be so jealous.) Reading Julie de Carneilhan – strange little masterpiece. Worship Colette.
The Carnahans pester me to take a cab at night but there’s never one there – I walk from station and no one’s raped me yet. Turn cartwheels and climb trees. I’ll see if they can take me home Sun night – my laundry’s becoming a menace.
April Fool’s Day – Mon 68 Reading Terminal crying my eyes out with everyone staring and that’s no joke. Want to crawl into a hot bath and die. Seems like I will never be much more than a squishy rag. Just opened my purse and NOTHING was there! No wallet, no ticket, no money, nothing!! I can’t WALK to Pewter Hill!!! Left my wallet locked up in Southwark office! Borrow dime from nice man to call home, of course no one’s there. Call the Coxes instead. Good old Theo hope he loves me.
Thurs 4 Apr 68 – Southwark Theatre School Dropped into Goody’s on the way here to pick up a Donovan record for Genevieve’s birthday. Easy day so far. I get to write rejection letters to amazingly accomplished actors pretending I’m Ron – including the lady from Gilligan’s Island. If this doesn’t discourage an aspiring actor, nothing will. Flirting with Dale Whitman – I love his hair. Wonder if he’s red gold & fuzzy all over. Preston walked in all young and ill at ease – I saw him through Dale’s eyes. Ouch! When he wants me I don’t want him and when I want him he doesn’t want me. Impasse. Dancing with Jack Foster last night – easy, happy guy. But he told me “Ball’s in your court” and I don’t like it there. He’s a doper, alas.
5 Apr Fri 68 – Train to Queen Lane
O Brave New World Meteorological Report: Looks like rain. Fashion Report: Looks like I’ve got a run in my stocking.
Importance of Being Earnest seen with Preston. A particularly bad Lady Bracknell. Preston desperately clutched my hand to the inside of his leg (wish he’d put his hand on MY leg occasionally.) He argues that polygamy is man’s natural state. Says “Look at dogs.” Told him to look at wolves, foxes (some birds). All news to him; which is bad news for his “progressive school”. Then off to the Electric Factory. Strobe lights. Pandora’s Box (they stank) & Electric Light Orchestra. (Good.) Preston and I tried getting into the same “leaning box” but a “security guard” jumps at us. What on earth is the point of the boxes then!!!
Preston angry at me because I wouldn’t let him come in at home. Good thing! Dad (just in from the Chesapeake) mixing daiquiris (gave me one!) and wanting to talk.
“You’re getting to be a big girl,” he says insultingly. I gave him my Big Girl on Daiquiris Smile. ( Daiquiris are good.) “How are you fixed for birth control?” Fatally uncool. I staggered. Recovered. “I’m still a virgin.” (In spite of them rather than because of them.) He skipped right over that. He said Dr. Rhodes could fit me with a diaphragm. I said, “I hear those interfere with sexual pleasure.”
He said, “No, no no. We’ve been using one for years.” Mom came in and to my surprise chimed in so this was a staged event. “You were born because of a diaphragm,” she said meaningfully. Dad said, “How about the loop? Looks like a question mark. You don’t want to be changing diapers at theatre school.”
That’ll never happen! If I couldn’t get an abortion I’d throw myself down the stairs. I said, “I think you have to have already had a kid to use those things. There’s always the pill.”
At this point Mom became predictably upset. She hates the pill because you don’t have to struggle with it. And if you don’t have to struggle with sex – then she bursts into tears. So I’ll never find out why sex needs to be a struggle. Dad admitted it was my date with 33-year-old Ron that blew the alarm.
Thurs 12:28 PM 11 Apr 68 Day of for Martin Luther King’s funeral. Watched it on TV. After 200 years looks like the rot is all the way through. Preston came over to invite me to see Paul Butterfield and Jesse Colin Young – too good to resist. Says he has been accepted at Haverford, Columbia & Chicago. Nice to have a future. Ended up wrestling on the floor. He got my shirt off but why do boys find bras such complex engineering problems That’s as far as we went. Watched the Academy Awards – Dustin Hoffman is a darling. (Listening to Tim Buckley. Will not be your Summer Princess or your Midnight Maiden. I will be your Sundown Angel.) Reading Madame Sarah. She was a big failure at the beginning of her career. Some comfort.
Read To Bed in the Afternoon to mom – she laughed the whole time. About child molestation and frigidity? I said, it’s not supposed to be a comedy – she said, “But it’s so funny!” A prophet is without honor, etc. etc. Time to shake the sand off my new, elegantly spurred leather boots.
Thurs 25 Apr 68 – Plumly Trying to learn a little self-reliance but it seems there’s nothing there. No wonder people take drugs. If there was a confidence pill I’d be seriously tempted. Unfortunately on alcohol I am only silly. Sweet loving letter from Devon who has decided to go into politics. I told him all the women would vote for him! He promised to invite me to Paris when he’s ambassador to France – I said it’s a deal. Lying in the sun reading Citizen Hearst.
9PM- relaxing in the Listening Room (no talking. My new favorite spot.) Handel’s Israel in Egypt. At least the music in this Institution for the Severely Disturbed is good. Catharsis! Feeling extremely good nose to grindstone finishing all my work.
Mom coming for Alumni Day – no Dad. She took me to the Cocked Hat to buy Lanz dress for prom. Long and white with thick lace cuffs, very pretty. Senior boys have banded together to “go stag – refusing old fashioned dating enslavement” so I was forced (pride) to import Preston. I’m sure he thinks I’m madly in love with him. I always want people to fall in love with me and when they do I am repulsed. But at least I can be polite.
Put aside Sybille Bedford’s Favorite of the Gods. Bland. Generation of messed up women. Now why would I want to read about THAT here in my prison cell??? Writing porn exotique under my current nom de plume Kathryn Klavier-Scott.
French Class – 11:l0 AM Tues 30 Apr 68 Finished test in 10 mins. Great letter from Merrill saying underneath my “blaze of emotions is a core of strength.” Reassuring. I love her so much. It’s hard not to worry about how false everything feels. I understand the boys’ fears, I really do, I don’t want to commit to something awful & irrevocable either. Old young, make female we are all at total cross-purposes with each other. Language fails us. Poetry? Art? Try to think of a way. Want to run through an art gallery in a nude leotard trailing a colored scarf. It could be my own work: enormously enlarged letters – fragments of “ransom notes” but you can’t tell where or when to make the “drop” so the precious thing is bound to die. (Saw it in a dream.) But I don’t want to go to Art school!!! (Not that they’d let me in anyway.) Then what? “Center down” as the old Quakers say.
Mom & Dad offer me trip to Europe for graduation if I work in a peacenik work project. Sent me a list of possibles. All the obviously, desperate starving places. But Sweden’s also on the list! I want to go to Ireland. (NOT on list.) Reading short stories of Sean O’Faolain.
Alysse Aallyn 