When I was 11 I saw a 3,000 year old Greek play in a Greek stone theatre and was very taken by all its mechanisms of chorus and emotion. When we went back to the boat I sat down and wrote my own play, Chrysothemis, about Electraâs other sister. I couldnât help it, I had to reflect that emotion back. It was a hot day and everyone else went swimming, but a Warrior would have finished that play. I finished the play.
One of my earliest jobs was an office work temp â ending up as receptionist at an architecture firm. In my hegira through multiple workplaces I did not find one where I liked the lowly way I was treated. But Warriors, by definition, donât put up with the Status Quo. Seeking to ratchet up my power level I used my training and auditioned to be a dancer. Things improved mightily! Although I still encountered some mistrust and scorn, on the whole, I achieved my goal of feeling plugged into the Universal Power Source.
From the very beginning I didnât like doing the same thing as other people. What was the point of that? If someone ordered the same food as me, I changed my order. I was surprised that people would want to do the same thing at the same time. As I grew older, enthusiasm was ruthlessly damped down and my possibilities seemed to harden. Who other people thought you were was âegoâ. And they wanted you to stay in that place. Much as I wanted to be admired, maybe even cherished, I could see this categorizing was limiting. A very bad thing. But how to get out of it seemed a conundrum. How can you view the situation youâre in from a point of view you donât actually have? Lucky for us, thereâs imagination! If we are really lucky, imagination crystallizes into Art.
I discovered we donât have to settle for Ego, for making ourselves distinct from other people. Artists are shape-shifters â they all the best lines, all the brightest colors, giving themselves the best possibilities.
When the âmultiverseâ became popular, I wasnât surprised. I was used to living several lives at once.
Babyâs eyes slowly closing in his rocker â thank Goodness. I am ready for a nap. Finished Hope Cookeâs fascinating Time Change (I can read while I breastfeed.) Certainly takes courage to write about oneâs life that way. How I would love to! Must get free of this money question. I used to be obsessed with sex â then love â now itâs money. Would like to get my press money together. Always something.
Last night Lois and Toss came in to dinner together â they had been at a mortgage bank in Irvington, NJ where they met with some sympathy.
Baby sleeping 2 hrs! Put aside my John Anderson mystery and find myself opening rejected poetry mss. I am too âornamental.â Not âformalâ enough but these poems âkick up their heelsâ says the Quarterly Rev of Literature. âOriginality & gusto.â Does seem as if every day I have a little more energy.
Man OâWar â Abaco â The Bahamas â Hummingbird House â 21 Dec 81 â 3:30 PM Rare minuteâs peace. The children screaming all day, except Shane, who did his screaming on the plane. Almost screamed me into a post-partum depression. I was too upset to speak for 45 mins. Toss is fixing a broken lamp, niece Tremayne is reading to other niece Lylo who is tearstained from an encounter with local cat. Mom looking for a Band-Aid for Lylo, Genevieve and Dad trying to determine if second boat is usable.
Island not what I expected. I expected New Yorker style resort instead of bidonville out of a Graham Greene novel. Hummingbird House buried in foliage â wild poinsettia & succulents. 5 minute walk to the beach; a very nice beach and deserted. Unfortunately, windy today and it took some nerve to decide to go in. Water seems cool, then you get used to it.
Shane snoozling next to me. Just put aside Mary Chesnutâs Civil War which I am enjoying tremendously.
Our Pan Am flight was late which made us miss our Air Florida flight to Marsh Harbor and had to put everyone up at local hotel. Not too bothersome although we saw way too much of the Miami airport.
Sisters are in 2 little houses I havenât seen yet on Dickieâs Cay. Avril says they are nothing to write home about and their advertised âviewâ is simply a lie. Avril seems happy but her skin very bad â trying to talk her into seeing a dermatologist before wedding. Glad this trip is only a week â tough being in such close quarters with family. Friday I had a very bad day â too many errands to run â had to take Shane in a rush to doctor who fortunately was calm. Heâs VERY healthy in the 90th percentile of EVERYTHING. Weight 11 lbs and has grown ½ inch. I am tired of being fat but my discipline is good so it should GO.
Thurs Toss had a wonderful meeting with Central Mortgage â looks like theyâll loan all monies if T raises $50,000 on his stock which he would get back the moment loan goes through. Daisy came over to go over my poetry! I was resistant! With a âview to publicationâ is just more of the same problem Iâve been having. Screw publication or anyoneâs views about this but my own. This is like girls âfixing themselves upâ so some man might âhaveâ them.
5 PM â God â itâs all I can do to get Toss to take Shane – now heâs got him and I can write 5 sentences.
Next few years a voyage of discovery â figure out how to please MYSELF. 11:30 PM â Very agreeable evening. Mom & Dad & Toss & I have been drinking & talking & reminiscing for the past 3 hrs. Good relationship with M & D â Dad talks about how I challenge them.
T. just finished reading this diary! (With my approval.) Mostly heâs Ok with it â minor reservations â sort of like Rosencrantz & Guildenstern â he sees things differently from Hamlet. It was painful to have him read my resolution to concentrate on work and say to hell with money â I feel like Iâve tried but I donât want him to think badly of me. I want to write ghost stories! Lead a subterranean life. Answer no phones between Jan and March. I could always write the story of the way things OUGHT to be â Charlotte Bronteâs Jane Eyre.
5:15 PM Tues 22 Dec 81 Very erotic night â Toss delicious. A lovely lazy day â took baby to the beach âparked him in the shade & swam in the surf. Slept 2 hrs in the afternoon â tonight ham dinner & Christmas celebration!
Wed 23 Dec â 3:30 PM So much to write Iâm scared to get started â Shane could interrupt at any moment. He gave me a fairly rough night â been sleeping only 45 mins â needs to be fed every hour and a half – felt Iâd gone several rounds with Sonny Liston. This AM at the beach he needed constant holding. During lunch he slept ½ hr â up 2 hrs â now sleeping again. Do I want to sleep? Read? Write about money or sisters?
9:30 PM â Very pleasurable evening. Read thru NY Times â review of Adrienne Richâs Wild Patience making me feel human again. A little privacy to chew intellectual meat brings me out of any downspin. To write poetry of the most important simplicities individual to our era suddenly seems of maximum importance.
Just fed S â he sleeps very sweetly in his âLittle Joggerâ outfit â Xmas gift from Avril. âTo assemble Japanese bicycle one must have peace of mind.â If you accept the slavery of Zen does it make you free?
11:30 PM â Christmas Eve FirecrackersâŚand theyâll probably go off all night. Feeling well rested â 2 extra hours sleep at breakfast (Shaneâs fussiest period) while T took him, then lay around till 2 when I went swimming. Expressed 2 bottles milk.
Played cards â wild, vulgar Michigan â WON. Shane sleeping since 9. Tomorrow â snorkeling! I part company with Mary Chesnut â itâs a valuable historical document BUT her tirades on slave-owners going bankrupt through their âcharityâ makes you puke. She regards herself as quite an authority on slave behavior! Iâd say the reverse is likely true. (Why do they keep singing âMassaâs in de Cold Cold Groundâ? Hmm.) Reminds me of that bizarre man who studied homosexuals to find out what men are really like! Weird.
Thinking of Loisâ reaction to my press idea â that I am neither a good writer nor a good businesswoman. I refuse to look at my press as a business but operating a philanthropy at this stage of our lives too insane. Third way â seeding the ground? The Literary World is a malignant casino where the statistics are against you.
Start a vigorous exercise plan when I get home â right now Iâm lying around worrying. Can I afford BOTH cleaner and therapist? Cleaner DEFINITELY more important! Was Guilders College a senseless detour? Made me a bit sad to see how proud it made T.
Concentrate on being a good mother to Shane â not making othersâ mistakes. T thinks he will have financing for project in Jan. Priorities are family and writing â friends & school just have to wait. I want to be known as having a valuable contribution to make.
2:30 PM â Mon 28 Dec 81 Interesting and FAIR article on Plath in the New Republic. Since I wrote the above I have taken Tylenol for atrocious headache and put Shane in the Swing-o-matic to stop his screaming. First he didnât like it at all, then sat with a hurt and insulted expression throughout â finally fell asleep. Itâs not moving any more but I refuse to touch it and wake him.
Feel like Iâm in an inescapable maze! MUST surmount this. Shane awake, so swinging again. Still looks far from happy but at least I get to write this.
Yesterday draining â up at 6:15 to catch 8 AM ferry to Marsh Harbor â traveling, airports, taxis and trains all day toil 8:15 PM â lucky to get home THAT early â caught the 7 PM train at Penn Station by 12 seconds. When we finally got home, Shane went on a shriek â I was numb just wanting to retreat into Times Book Review. Then all night long he needed nursing at hour and a half intervals â till I finally had T give him sugar water so I could get some sleep.
Heâs now lying so beautifully â magnificent legs extended â I feel dumb & stupid. Rejected romance novel â they liked love scenes but want less barter. Agent asks do I want to revise. HELL NO. Plath needed to stay alive & keep working, article concludes!
10 PM â feel much better. Some food â 20 min nap â good hour reading NY Times. News: the Blands divorcing. I realize with such thankfulness my luck in having Toss â intellectual yet sentimental (in the best sense!) humorous but passionate, sexy but monogamous!
The baby, after being a wild man all day, has been asleep 2 hrs! Think Iâll try to stay up.
1:45 AM â I am a new woman! T and I have been bouncing around â wrote my thank you notes, wrapped 3 presents, packed one, sorted through oddments preparatory to cleaning bedroom. T has mounted phone cord to avert trip & falls, now mounting heating pad controls so they wonât get lost in Dusty Under-bed Darkness. The only solution to babydom is to do without sleep. God, Iâm in a good mood. Still plan to do my nails & read a little.
Read wonderful Plath poem Childâs Park Stones. Different from her best-known stuff, yet excellent. Wrote a letter to Barry about my press. I need an upswing.
Bad news â Scribnerâs rejects mystery, so I went to the hairdresser in great determination to get a new cut & body wave. I showed her pictures and she seemed to know what she was doing but it came out much too curly when what I wanted was a wave. She said after I washed it most of the curl would leave â it HASNâT â even the color looks brassier â now I think I look like Little Orphan Annie. Toss says âyou traumatize easyâ and itâs the truth. Never acquired the rhinoceros hide. Trying to be philosophical but feeling hopeless about my work which is the obvious result when you try to please people but donât. Afraid agent Lavallee is going to abandon me and I couldnât blame her â also the whole thing about having an agent is they have to think about the market and the market is telling me to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Luckily the baby is a great joy. I let myself get too tired â made a big effort to get to Womenâs Group and it was distressingly boring Old Testament stuff. When I tried to apologize to Mom for dragging her to this event she behaved strangely â maybe she PREFERS Old Testament – couldnât figure it out. Daisy wanted to know why I was distressed and I couldnât explain how my parents seem to feel threatened by my religious beliefs. Mom & Daisy did NOT like each other. At least Mom didnât act scornful which was my big fear.
Last Sutton & Pansy came to dinner with Mom & Dad â it was a successful event and the parents liked Pansy very much. Didnât sniff afterwards about how vulgar they were or over-interested in money. In fact, they acted like rich people around me for the first time, drinking a lot of wine and talking about Merrill Lynch Cash Management Fund. Toss very surprised to hear his father say that if certain targets are reached, he plans to give the Country Store he bought for $125,000 to the manager, a virtual stranger! T used to be against hitting up Sutton for bucks but this might change his mind.
Tonight parents are off to Aunt Fredâs so Toss & I can have dinner alone. Tomorrow afternoon Mom & Dad leave.
Thousands of phone calls to make and letters to write but I think I will just be ruthless and postpone them till I feel up to it. God, I feel better! Just need to talk to myself once in a while. Having a beer and trying to express milk for the babyâs night bottle.
8 PM 4 Dec 81 Started hemorrhaging at midwife appt today. Adair gave me a shot of methargine and had me rest until the bleeding stopped, then prescribed bedrest! No stairs for a week! No housework! I was so tired I was grateful for the directive. I especially want to avoid a D & C.
8:20 PM Tues 8 Dec 81 I did have to go to the hospital â had to call Adair at ll:30 because bleeding started up again with enormous clots! She came over and said I needed Medical Management.
I went to Middlesex Hospital at 2 AM where I was prodded and probed by literally EVERYONE in the emergency room while I clung tearfully to Toss, upset at being separated from Shane, who was being cared for by Lois. Finally, I was sent to a private room where I was able to express milk. Sent 2 bottles back with T so Shane never did run short.
The Pitocin in my IV finally stopped the bleeding and I was released at 5:30 without having a D & C.
Since then Iâve been OK – no bleeding at all.
I am being driven insane by being waited on. T never has dinner ready before 9 and when I send him for tea or coffee he always forgets.
I donât mind giving up housework but I want to resume a normal schedule and take Shane places but we really canât go anywhere before the Bahamas.
My reading diverse â The Economist, Money mag and 2 Agatha Christies. Also the entire diary of the Princess of Pless, which I found fascinating.
Yesterday I almost got back to my writing but Shane thrashed around like a whale in a tank all afternoon and by the time he subsided I needed a nap myself. Baby needs changing AGAIN!
Last week the nearest I got to postpartum depression was sobbing over Scribner rejection. I hold 2 contradictory views at the same time. Money represents freedom & dignity, and, it doesnât matter at all.
Daddy weirdly touchy with me at the beginning of our visit asking what mistakes Iâm going to make with MY child (as if I knew!) The only thing I can tell for sure is Iâm bound to make SOME (but I wonât make THEIRS.) Sutton seems to have made an impact on him â he bought Printronix, opened a margin account and checks out the stock possibilities of California wines.
Freedom would mean writing what I like and selling directly. What fun. But you have to be prepared to lose money on it. I like doing things MY WAY which is probably why Iâve had so little success so far.
Dr. Jones trying to discover how my self-esteem got so badly damaged in the first place. Feel power slowly returning to me through the confusion & helplessness. Dimly realize I should welcome these difficulties if it makes me stronger. Freeing myself from people liking my poetry. My enemies are exhaustion & demoralization. Still want to write a mystery and have so many ideas I am afraid of them. Also, bothered by Toss. I have been horny the past 3 nights (no full sex for 6 weeks) but he keeps falling asleep with his clothes on.
Being good on my diet so hopefully will be skinny soon. Already look not-too-bad though stomach loose. Swimming in the Bahamas will help. Reading Troyatâs Catherine the Great. Looks like baby needs a feeding. Wonât tackle stairs till the weekend â then Iâll feel Iâve done my best.
10:45 PM Wonderful interview with William Stafford in American Poetry Review. Helpful yet caused fresh agonies. It was about writing for the process, avoiding disapproval AND approval. Yet how kill this terrible hunger?
My last conversation with Charlene making me think this friendship is pretty well over. I have the sense of not being listened to. She thinks Iâm too privileged to have problems. Says I should try a tutorial with Ezra (whose taste I deplore) when I have given up on Guilders (and it has given up on me.)
Wed 9 Dec 81 Poor Weasel killed by a car this morning – killed outright, thank God â ½ hr after leaving the house. Very sad knowing she got away with this because we couldnât pay attention to her. Lately weâve been trying to get her to sleep in a cotton lined bed because of her allergy and she was taking it as a punishment. In a year or two it will be time to get a puppy Dixie can lick into shape.
Goodbye, beloved white dog. See you where all things are perfect and I can give you the attention you deserve. Valiant Toss out burying the body.
Thinking tormentedly about my writing. So much I want to write and canât â rejection and poverty are difficult. But my âproblemâ is something else. The terms of my bondage are unclear. What is the condition I am searching for? Serenity. Itâs funny how much better this diary makes me feel.
3:15 PM Baby asleep almost 2 hrs now. Iâm still in bed â the crises and chaos of this morning havenât allowed me to get up yet. Reading Living With Your New Baby which is very helpful. Called Lois to tell her I canât cope with phone calls for the time being â I need to isolate to cope with stress. However, I could address announcement envelopes if Toss would remember to bring them home. Granma is being a pain, constantly calling & writing â we will see her Sat. She offered money but seems to have forgotten.
Hard to believe Weasel, so vibrant a few hours ago, is bloodied & broken in the earth.
Disappointed by mail â no acknowledgement by agent of MSS. Sunk in hopeless apathy, I refuse to speculate on how long it will take her to read the book. However, some good things are happening. Phyllis Cheslerâs Women, Money & Power really excellent. Like all these women in the book I am just attempting to survive. The best I can do is keep an eye on commerciality. Maybe I can teach.
Toss sold his Suburban Propane during a brief market rally and got $6000. This weekend heavy socializing. The Plattens over for drinks Fri, the Weiners dinner Sat. Duke Droyer & his new wife Muffy for lunch Sun. This entailed quantities of clearing, cleaning & cooking. As a result, house in great shape. Toss a big help , thoroughly scoured the kitchen & bathrooms while yelling how dirty I am. That made me sad. Chesler is right â donât ever get cast in the role of having more than 50 percent responsibility for housework. Never accept blame.
Women who do housework are so abused the only reason to do it is because you enjoy it or you donât want the baby to slip in the slime. Today only empty & reload dishwasher, make bed, vacuum rug.
Spent 4 full hours on poetry only interrupted by phone calls from Toss & Dom. Received International Directory of Little Mags so mailing out droves of material. It has taken me 6 yrs to get 30 acceptances. My aim is 100, but I may get disgusted sooner. No decent relationships result. Seems like a great reason for having your own press. Now I love my Siddall poem which I almost threw away. You never know.
Need to buy nightgowns for my hospital kit but that will have to wait for tomorrow â we took the depressing tour yesterday.
At 6:30 make hamburgers, meet Toss at the train, drive to Bradley class â an important one â Adair explains Caesareans.
Sat 31 OCT 81 Met a woman named Daisy at Trinity Church yesterday â she has 3 kids, plastic surgeon husband, hopes to write for money. I showed her my poems â she has never been published. She admired them, pulled out hers â wish I hadnât shown my poor, thin, stuff! (I am a late as opposed to early Eliot.) She is a natural poet â use of language acute, original and free. She doesnât k now how good she is. On the other hand, her fiction is a mess â classic poetâs fiction â everything happening at once. A novel in 3 single-spaced pages! Itâs a curable condition but her forte is poetry.
Sheâs coming for dinner (with husband) Sunday. Now I am faced with the difficulties of getting up when I donât like being vertical.
Rewrote my Mansfield essay & shipped it off to new journal. Last night couldnât sleep â woke Toss at 2 AM to make love to me â he was very good-natured about it.
3:20 PM Already exhausted with much left to do. Finished the ironing. Unfortunately mail brings rejection of my romance novel. They liked the writing, said the characterization âstrongâ but narrative âdiffuse.â
3 PM Mon 2 Nov 81 Good intense work on the accounts but canât wash the dishes till I write here. At dinner Daisy asked me if I wanted REAL criticism of my poetry â her tone full of warning. I steeled myself & said yes. She said I donât write about the subject I write AROUND it using words as defenses & shields.
I am particularly vulnerable to such criticisms right now. I am escapist. The uncomfortable truth is I will never be as good a poet as Daisy because I am a âliteraryâ poet who should be writing fiction. Toss told me afterward he likes my poems better than Daisyâs because they âget richer with every reading.â He never criticizes just to make me feel good so there must be some truth in this.
I contemplate the shocks of the past few months. Feels like all my props have been taken away. Feels almost spiritual, as if God is hammering on me. Seems like time to start building afresh. But Iâm not yet ready to repudiate my dream of writing a commercial novel. I donât need to get rich, I just need a grubstake. Do I even believe in myself? I think I donât (itâs too hard) but I do believe in my work.
Guilders has the nerve to ask me to take classes THERE for my degree â I donât burn that bridge â but I donât want to. They are not emotionally supportive. They are preparing me for a world I donât believe in. I can do better.
Starting to come to terms with the deep scars inflicted on me by my parents – I just wasnât what they had in mind! Feel like Iâm on my way to a workable life. Feeling my way. I want to be known. Spend my class time at Marycliff (Dr Jonesâ college) trying to get closer to God. Itâs a feminine voice that is speaking to me.
3 Nov 81 Discouraging letter from agent. She has sent Pinch out first time, still sending around Wolves & Blood. I need to get some hope going but nothingâs there. This is a life of slow starvation. Avril calls to say she & Karl are engaged! Will announce after his divorce (January) then marry in July.
Read 2 murder mysteries with fantastic openings & disappointing endings.
4 Nov 81 Pray have baby before Thanksgiving. Letter from agent saying my romance âvery good of its kind.â The SMALLEST encouragement helps but I needed it a month ago. Seems impossible to ever write another romance now. If my original editor hadnât been fired, how different my career might be now?
Definite steps forward getting ready for Baby. Bought baby lotion, oil, talc, etc, made and froze 4 little meatloaves. Finished accts, cleaned the kitchen, read Agatha, brooding over what makes a good mystery.
Tomorrow sew, iron, clean study (soon to be babyâs room).Snap out of my stupor & fetch Toss from train.
10:45 PM Thurs 5 Nov 81 Always wonder how close I am to THE BIRTH, as I write the date. Donât pick T up at train for one hour; can I stay awake? I finished cleaning kitchen, freezing two lasagnas; not in the mood for all the virtuous things I MIGHT be doing. Painted my toenails over my vast belly for what I hope is LAST TIME.
A little ironing this AM before time to rush off to Womenâs Group.
Rather terrified to face Daisy! I very unwillingly discover I do have a rather large fund of self-contempt. Makes me sad, I donât like admitting Iâm so cruel to myself. I thought my parents were full of contempt for me and âtransferred it.â Every time I exposed my aspirations they made me burn with shame. Feel Daisy has âexposedâ me as a ânon-poet.â Pregnancy causes loss of identity and her strong personality moves in.
Excellent Womenâs Group with a beautiful communion which I think Daisy â lapsed Catholic â really enjoyed. Woman who contracted cerebral palsy from a riding accident in midlife (and then her husband dumped her!) wrote book & spoke about it.
Afterwards lunch with Fran Drevers & Daisy. Why be in such a rush? Everyone asks me. Have to get it done before my nervous breakdown! Pity my family took no interest in my writing. My role was âneedyâ. They threw money & food at us and fled.
Writing requires an extensive underground existence. Probably neither romance nor mystery will be accepted. (Fatalism, letâs blame that.) And I will have to start over as Iâve done oh so many times. Children will be different! Look forward to this labor as a watershed.
Party went well â bathroom finished, house stunningly clean & orderly. I got a bit snarly with Toss because he has literally no idea how to fit tasks into a time frame â whatever he chooses to do takes forever. He canât prioritize, either. But the food was good, and I could tell Genevieve and Brett had a good time.
Toss and I got up early and dressed in our dowdiest clothes to go to New Brunswick and breach IRS. T and I did research â who knew I kept an 1978 expense diary? We bristled with estimates & documentation â T said he could get me a refund! I begged him not to even TRY. Called for directions â our contact not even there so a new time set up. Annoying jerk-woman! Spend the day reading Shana Alexanderâs Anyoneâs Daughter and reflecting on the general weirdness of Mom & Dad.
Fri 6 Mar 81 -11:15 PM Toss is in DC for an attorney fees conference so I am all by myself. Tried calling him an hour ago but I think they went out to dinner; now Iâm too tired.
Exhausted after doing all the work I can stand â letters to everybody. Lots of good news â Toss admits heâs worth a quarter million so he can afford to put another $900 into our account. It also explains why he doesnât want to take a job he hates! I wouldnât either! In fact I have a little more money than usual because the fellows were included in the general raise at Guilders. And Toss DID get a refund for me from the IRS which frankly I think was a miracle. I immediately buy $100 worth of spring clothes and sign up for dance class ($65/month.) Where they yell at me for my style (which was to be expected. They were NOT impressed by the likes of Martha Graham.)
The best news of all is that Lois won her long-running case against her motherâs self-serving trustees â the bank has been officially chastised and DUMPED. Now Lois can develop the property â work for Toss & money for everybody. Unfortunately her first action is to get her sons to sign off on any interest they had in the trust â sign it over to her. This raised my eyebrows but T trusts her.
Good conversation with Mom & Dad â I hadnât actually looked at their blueprints for the new island house but I didnât let on. Invited Mom to study in England with me three weeks this summer â she says she canât take that much time away from Dad â he would just drink orange juice & sherry & sob.
Sun 8 Mar 81 April isnât the cruelest month â Feb & March are. Oh for it to be over. Depressed phone call from Avril – I told her how much reading theology had helped me. Suffering isnât purposeless; itâs the beginning of everything. The wake-up call. She was depressed enough to listen.
Read Beryl Bainbridgeâs disappointing Quiet Life and am now plunged into Pearsonâs Life of Ian Fleming. Thereâs a cautionary tale for you. Can it on the gin & cigarettes.
Wed. 11 Mar 81 So tired all the time I am DRAGGING myself around. Lois is angry that weâre not paying rent â Toss trying to negotiate âwork he does around the placeâ which keeps him away from writing & the law. Sutton calls to say heâs marrying Pansy.
Lois demands a âpow-wowâ about âthe unresolved state of this familyâ which I think will be more screaming about Sutton and all the Hideous Wrongs he did her long, long, long ago. While we sit there pie-eyed.
12 Mar 81 I was right about the pow-wow. She wanted to read us a long letter sheâs writing to Sutton about how heâs a bird who fouls his own nest. We know but donât say this is in response to his marriage announcement. I do tell her sheâs acting like they got divorced YESTERDAY and she tells me I DONâT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. Gives more examples from the ancient past of what an awful father Sutton was, abandoning his children etc. etc. I say she should be GLAD SHEâS RID OF HIM if all these things are true. Her argument sounds like he was too awful to be âallowedâ to leave her but isnât she really saying she deserves better?
Slowly it emerges that sheâs really depressed because her advisors tell her she needs a partner with a track record to develop Grover Mill property (not to mention the one she wants to buy in Phila.) Toss says he will be her attorney. My hackles rise. This is a woman who calls black white and praises herself for her honesty all in one breath.
I tell Toss privately we need to get the HECK out of her house but heâs loving being involved with his grandparentsâ stuff.
Sat 21 Mar 81 Hoping Iâm pregnant. Just donât want to focus on anyone else. Reading advice book for writers it occurred to me Iâve heard ALL THIS BEFORE â in womenâs mags telling girls how to attract men. âFind out what he likes and be thatâ ;âCareful not to turn him offâ ;âSmileâ ; and âBe cheerful NO MATTER WHAT.â Also how to get hired in Domestic Service circa 1800. Thereâs the truth about buyersâ markets.
I need a press of my own.
24 Mar 81 (Tues) In the train Good day yesterday â I typed 20 p of novel â Toss got a Kidder Peabody check. Determined to send novel to my agent for her opinion NO MATTER WHAT my class says. Made the 9:30 dance class.
Reading a history of the Alcott family. Pretty sure Iâm pregnant â breasts enlarged and period 10 days late! And all this exhaustion!! Iâve been too tired for sex! Also depressed at living in a cramped ancient house full of ugly broken down furniture.
Wed Ap 1 81 Have to face it â I just HATE PD James. Why is she revered? Unsuitable Job for a Woman unsuitable for reading. I am very bothered by people’s bad taste. James’ attitude to humanity downright depressing. Guiltily enjoy Christie’s The Pale Horse instead. Wonderful book! Avril and I have long discussion about how impossible it is to diet when depressed. Food is not just love; itâs excitement, color, interest.
7 Tues Ap 81 Wonderful news! YES I am pregnant and Toss won prestigious IRE award (with Larry West) on their coal connection series. Just back from celebratory weekend in Kentucky. Weâll be going out to San Diego for awards dinner. Toss feeling elated & secure. Now if I can just make It through this semesterâŚ
18 Sept 81 5:45 PM Diary goes to the wall as I grimly assemble a poetry collection for contest â for sacrificial reasons, knowing I wonât win â constant need for naps. Have I been awake at all today? Endless problems over Fordham Life Exp credits making me want to say The Hell With It. How do I get into these fixes â suddenly dependent for âapprovalâ from bureaucrats I despise? There must be another way to live. Plumlyâs ugly insistence on âappearance versus realityâ raises its hideous head. I am an artist, most at home in the company of artists â but the financial picture cloudy. Still âfinding myselfâ as they say.
Learning not to care about $ could be tough when I am about to become a mother! Forced to conclude my timing has always been bad. T. unexpectedly inviting me out to dinner really helps with the gloom..
12:50 AM Sun 20 Sept 81 Hard day in NYC with Mom & Dad â when they heard my agent wants me to write a romantic novel they immediately began arguing on her side!!! If I had said I was GOING to do it they would have attacked ME! âHow long would it take?â âWouldnât it be worth it to get out from under?â Then it was poor Tossâs turn to be grilled about his & Loisâ newly incorporated property development firm Faircross: âit canât work.â Our unborn baby referred to as âanother mouth in line for the swag.â Then they invited us to the Bahamas.
Toss. was polite but handled it well. I could see he was offended. Afterwards he told me he didnât WANT to go to the Bahamas but I DO. What other chance will I get? MY SISTERS ARE GOING! T wants me to promise him to never to ask my Dad for money again! (That would suit my Dad!) But thereâs a problem. At least SOME OF IT is my money â they keep laying it aside in my name âfor tax reasonsâ but they donât give it to me to manage because I would spend it. (Which I would.) Toss gets to manage his own money and Faircross is what heâs doing with it. Deciding how to spend it is the whole point. Till then itâs Poor Little Rich Girl. According to their own statements they have 2 months to give me $4000.
1:10 PM â Toss leaves with our housework half done â has to go to Phila to tell Loisâ frenemy Imogen that she canât be part of Faircross. He wants her OUT. She has the track record but not the cash. Iâm going to finish house and then work on my new, entirely cynical romance Tarnished Vows. Iâve got a whole series planned in my head called The Double Standard elucidating â guess what? If I wrote 5 of them I could make $40,000. Can always use a pseudonym. Last nightâs Lamaze made me feel ebullient â confident â ready to go at any moment. Wash & brush dogs.
Up early to take Granma to Quaker Meeting. Very boring. Elder from my first wedding came up and spoke to me â I didnât recognize her! It was Grandmother Day â spent the afternoon with Mother Louise who forgets who everyone is after 20 mins. In the evening long ecstatic phone gossip with Avril.
Mon 19 Jan 81 Jam packed day â filed grades at Guilders, Financial Aid lecture at Fordham then drinks at World Trade Center with T & Old roommate. Tues depressing orientation at Fordham â canât get âlife experienceâ credits till you have 20 Fordham credits! Decided to apply for guaranteed student loan â T will be happy. Considering Study Abroad in Eng! After I get pregnant that will be no longer possible. Letter from Book Forum asking me to come in â they might have something for me to do! That would be the first thing I havenât had to claw for â its welcome. Set up apt for next Wed. Bad thriller by Stanton Forbes & good one by Anne Morice.
22 Jan Thurs 81 Wonderful womenâs service at Trinity â new minister Joan Platt â like her very much. Completely relaxed about me sobbing my way through the Nicene Creed â âit gets some people that way!â
Went to the Fordham party with Donna â Dr Dohrn seems to think I could be pulled out of the Excel program fairly soon. Introduced Donna to Tâs old roommate â she was nervous and he was supercilious. I give up matchmaking. T (due in ½ hr driving the â65 Chrysler Imperial from Phila) said people create their own hells of loneliness.
Sat 24 Jan 81 Off to Trenton library with T â he studies and I enjoy Caroline Gordonâs How to Read A Novel. We look at washers and driers â you really canât get anything for under $700 so we buy a heated bed-pad instead. I read The Denatured Novel â then we have chicken soup in bed watching Desk Set.
Thurs 29 Jan 81 I like the womenâs service even better than the discussion afterwards.
Stress interview with Book Forum â wanted me to âthrow out 1,000 ideas really fast.â Became completely tongue tied â hadnât expected that â thought weâd talk about what THEY need. As a result I looked like an idiot. Could barely smile. Awful. I came up with my âImpure Womenâ concept â Mansfield, Plath, Woolf â that was it. Sounded tired even to me. Obviously never hear from them again. Imagine me being taken for an academic! Hilarious.
Fast registrations at both Fordham & Guilders â only had to pay ½ when I said I was getting a loan. Dinner with Charlene but I rushed home missing T â it was 12:10 and he waited up for me. Delirious marital sex all over the place.
Fri 30 Jan 81 Terrible arguments with T about Episcopalianism vs Quakerism. Heâs not looking forward to The Episcopalian dance.
Sat 31 Jan 81 T in his wedding tuxedo â me in a blue bridesmaidâs dress at the Episc. Dance. I especially enjoyed meeting Joan Plattâs husband Peter. Also the new curate â slight pretty girl. (The poor Catholics! We have a deep bench.) Connected with my parentsâ old friends the Macdonalds. Bob McD hilariously funny. T had a great time; no fighting, no biting. We left at 11.
Sun 1 Feb 81 Met Tâs brother Dom on train â T in âcorrection mode.â He never does this at home. I called him Mr. Persnickety.
Wait a solid hr at Loisâ house till we can leave for Chaddâs Ford. I eat too many cookies while marveling at Loisâ ability to estrange people. She goes on and on about how the Garden of Eden is a birth myth â this has never been noticed in the history of time by anyone but her. We donât argue because that would trigger an endless âsceneâ â she would make us sit there for an eternity unable to move while she beats us into submission.
Thatâs the kind of audience she prefers – cowed. Ricardo wiggles his eyebrows at his behind her back, gesturing âPlease donât say anything so we can just get out of here and have a nice day.â She goes on and on in her baby-girl voice while batting her eyelashes until you want to smack her. The worst thing that could ever happen to her in life would be to meet herself â neither would ever give ground until they both died, like a Greek myth. If she read any actual books she would not be so impressed with her own ideas â she hasnât gotten through a whole one the entire time Iâve known her. Sheâs still reeling from the Deep Truths of The Road Less Travelled â gave everyone copies so they can see how terrible others are â itâs never her.
Finally we get out of there and take both grandmothers out to dinner in Chaddâs Ford to celebrate their birthdays and have a very nice meal. Iâm bored solid so eat too much.
Reading the last vol of Kathleen Raineâs autobio â sheâs having a rough time with Christianity and thereâs no comfort I can give her.
Tues. 4 Feb 81 First day of class both teaching & taking. Met with Fordham advisor who wants me to switch out of Excel and pursue a double major â maybe philosophy! Whoa there!
My teaching class is all babies with glazed eyes â my fiction seminar wrangles about the Death of the Novel. Very dispiriting. They are excited by horrible shit sans character or plot. Plot is contrived and character is MUTABLE. I need to stop reading thrillers – must learn to like Robbe-Grillet.
Wed 5 Feb 81 Miss T â havenât seen him since 9. Gave my class a really easy test they could pass they all failed. Blue, blue blue.
Womenâs group wonderful on the other hand â I adore Joan. Want to ask her to christen our children.
Sat 7 Feb 81 Spent $359 on bathroom floor tiles. It had to be done.
Dinner at the neighbors who wanted to show off their friend Jon Purvis a famous journalist. I got too drunk â T has forgiven me but I canât forgive myself. Bad day all day. The sorrow of teaching English to the deprived â taking their money and flunking them â is always with me. Donât like this system. Tried moving novel into first person voice â something my class can respect. Wonderfully cheering call with Avril â she is so good.
Mon 9 Feb 81 Off to library in Chrysler â got a flat tire â had to wait an hour for AAA â missed appt with man to hook up tiny washer dryer we are installing in dining room closet. Feel squeezed & helpless.
Discouraged by mess in house. Frustration the most difficult emotion to deal with. Not impressed by Ross Macdonald: âThereâs nothing worse than an ugly woman with a gun.â Really? Bid of $1000 for wiring & plumbing. Weâre not paying Lois for rent, sheâs not compensating us for improving her property. I try not to care or keep track. Bills bills bills and soon it will be tax time while every job prospect for T melts mysteriously away.
18 Feb 81 Coming out of depression. IRS is auditing me â Toss being completely calm and supportive. I have an attorney! He will represent me! Costume dinner at Snowbury was waste space but we had fun wearing the costumes & we met some interesting people. (Mayor & his girlfriend, a lawyer.)
Weekend at StormFall where I officially give up on fiction and surrender to poetry. Offer to help Gretchen Fuchs find a publisher for her book. I can’t believe we won’t be successful, she’s so good. Toss pantingly bathroom.
20 Feb 81 My depression climaxes and I call in sick â feel like an ugly hopeless worthless slob. Housework all day until I become depressed over how ancient and broken everything is. So desperate I try prayer. The cure lies in orderliness Iâm sure.
Sun 22 Feb 81 One cure for depression is reading my diaries â the horrors of Ryder, Devon, Jervaze. Toss so wonderful by comparison. More relief offered by Anne Sextonâs poems.
Mon 23 Feb 81 Feel so unequal to everything. Trying to please too many people with my writing â obvious cure: please only myself.
T asked if I would mind him working for the govt â prosecutor or IRS. I said no â if he wasnât bored. He said heâs never been as close to another person as he is to me â relief. I was considering myself a hopeless case. Dancing the only job where I didnât have the fear of being âfound outâ because I knew I was good at it.
First article about psychoanalysis (New Yorker) much better than second one. If only one had endless money & time! Think about Avrilâs fear â that pain exhumed will rise up and annihilate us. Neglect PLUS fear of abandonment are Mom & Dadâs legacy!
So many unanswered questions. When Mom seemed not to hear us was she really in a trance or just pretending? Dissociative state from childhood abuse? Genevieve and I have discussed this â we were completely unable to get her attention. She seemed frozen. Didnât even flicker. Whereâd she go? She was raised in isolated conditions with no Mom, (not allowed to have friends over or bring them to her house.)
She was always âoverwhelmedâ and could alleviate her guilt by smothering Avril. She clings to Daddy like a lifebuoy, like sheâs HIS child.
Telling his children we were going to be âpoorâ when we moved to Africa was probably a mistake. He just wanted to instill frugality but it was a bombshell in a childâs world and certainly not accurate. NOT told about Uncle Charlesâ inheritance or Dadâs portfolio. In Brockton public school my experience with poverty was intimate & scary. That friend who slept on the floor, whose parents had beer but no furniture. It hurt physically, like hunger.
I dealt with it by sleepwalking & hypochondria about blindness & disease (not too paranoid in Africa.) Parents Victorian in their ability to refuse information. Avrilâs isolation from the rest of us almost too painful to recall.
Dad sneered at and made fun of our schooling, friends, religion, parents. No system was âgoodâ enough for us. He said news & history was lies & propaganda. TV & movies were crass manipulation and teachers were ignorant. You canât just say that and then send kids back to school! No expertise allowed or acknowledged. Parents always mildly surprised when we got jobs.
I recall my religious longings quite clearly. First I thought âGodâ was a dirty word because people acted so weird about it. Brockton had no Friends meeting and the Methodist Sunday School we attended a few times (Mom and Dad dropped us off, didnât attend the church) was confusing and meaningless. When Mom read us the 23rd psalm, we jeered at it the way weâd been taught and she cried! Then of course Dad yelled at us!
Being unwillingly in âthe vanguardâ certainly feels like being an outcast! Donât know how to help Avrilâs depression â my badgering psychoanalytic/spiritual letters arenât welcome. We were fated to follow the pattern of Dadâs growth, whatever that might be.
Last Thanksgiving when we played the game âpsychiatristâ. Mom said the year sheâd like to live over was the summer of 1958, cruising the Georgian Bay. The closest we got to perfect family happiness. A weirdly frozen unchangingness. Isolated from everyone! Produces an anguished Sisyphean yearning thatâs with me still.
I did better with the loneliness. Avril fears to re-live it. Mom actually carries it around inside her like a dead baby!
My curiosity: what future did they envision for us? They acted so weird about basic mental health â âtoo bad youâre that wayâ instead of encouraging âgoodâ choices. Because there was no good path? When we followed their with husbands, children, they didnât react with any particular glee. Julio & Kent were run through the wringer and would state right now Mom and Dad loathed them. Both my weddings were icy, much as I tried to rewrite the family. I think they worked out the personal animosities of their relationship over our quivering live bodies.
Dadâs insistence that the only college possible was Chevenix, the only belief system acceptable was Quakerism so weirdly rigid. We could never âdiscoverâ anything, it had already been discovered. I think our efforts at crawling into adulthood were actively repulsed. We clocked in, admiring of them and their âsuccessâ, allowing things to be done for us. Behind the pain lies rage; both endlessly intensifying. Gen & I fought back â Avril & Merrill endlessly victimized.
Donât want to see Ezra today, donât feel I have anything new to talk about. I could discuss his book â if Iâd read it.
4 more days of school. Tolerable, definitely. Think Iâll start a conscious course of praying for Avril â see what happens.
10:25 AM Thurs 18 Dec 80 Should be correcting papers but canât face it yet. Looking forward to a breather from school. Wish I could go to church every day but thereâs nothing nearby. Hoping it will be different when I go to Fordham. Paulist church too big â I liked Church of the Resurrection on E 77th.
Pretending to look at the floating countryside I eavesdrop on conversations behind me â art dealers: âAre you ever asked about your credentials?â Answer, âNo, never. They only ask about credentials when youâre applying for low-paying jobs.â
Christmas shapes up interestingly. Caroling in Haverford Sun, Christmas eve with the Brintons till 4, then dinner with Louise. Christmas Day with Lois. Avril 26th and Genevieve 27th. Douglas cocktail party 28th. Shawn Kobler to dinner sometime after that.
NEW YEARâS RESOLUTIONS
Get up earlier, go running with T
Write in diary every day â match flow of life to flow of thought.
Go to church oftener
Christmas Day, noon â 80 An extravagant morning of love with my honey brings me out of the depression Iâve had since Mon. Came back from an awful day of school to hear about Tossâs interview with his fatherâs lawyer friend â no dice. T comes from the wrong law school, nobodyâs hiring. They wonât even hire from Temple â they recruit at âpremierâ schools in junior year. T. feels certain he wants to start out soloing. Iâm scared of the insecurity but Iâm not pregnant and we have no rent â itâs the perfect time. Then T said he wanted to buy a word processor which we fought about for the rest of the night with T becoming so angry he almost strangled me. Nightmare visions of my first marriage kept floating in front of my eyes.
Capital can only be spent on state of the art equipment to impress everyone â then we sit back and wait for the money to roll in. Which it never does. Why not rent a word processor?
He plans to open his office in his motherâs house. I think we ought to wait till he has some business first. I offered to help. âNo, Alysse,â he said coldly, âIâm not going into law partnership with you.â Whew!
He pointed out the âthousandsâ weâre losing because Iâm going to school, not working â dirty pool! Took it back later. If Mom & Dad werenât paying for school HOW would I justify it to myself?
He says that makes him feel like shit â i.e he wishes I was POORER. I said he really needs to settle something with Lois about the rent â nothingâs formalized. If the plan is free-lancing and risk, sheâs an investor in his future. God, to have $8,000 a year of my own it seems so MINGY. Why canât I bring that in from writing? Why do I always end up in these trackless wastes?
10:15 AM Fri Dec 26 â 80 Excellent Christmas. Part of what made it so good was limited time with everyone except Lois! Wednesday spent one hour with Brintons, one hour with Lois! Then a long scary ride home with a blowout â but it didnât happen on the ice and Toss was able to change it in record time.
Yesterday at Brandywine with Lois 3:30-7:30 then again 10-11:30. (A bit much.) Intervening time helping Granma in Haverford put up tree & exchange gifts. T was a perfect love, a divine angel. Much cleaning of the house now to get ready for Avril.
12:45 AM 30 Dec 80 – Tuesday Shouldnât be joyous about my vacationâs end but I am eager for 81!
Read Mary Hoxie Jonesâ Mosaic of the Sun with a curled lip. Reminds me of Eliz Gray Vining â holier than thou. I think Christians should be spiritually barefoot â ready to shed baggage â test the rope themselves instead of whining about Unwashed Youths and Angry Blacks. Such authorities on other peopleâs âplaceâ!
Turned to Wm Pitt Rootâs The Storm â excellent, a born poet but heavy going â reading him too fast would give you the bends.
Now into Emily Dickinson thank GOD. What a joy. You can read her at any pace you choose â sheâs available at every level. Her organization is so original, wouldnât translate at all. What did V. Woolf think? Should have liked & claimed her.
This burst is result of trying to prepare definitive vol of my own stuff. Sickened by my publications â 25 in 5 years!
New Yearâs Eve 1980 Tonight incomplete without âlast entry.â Last time I tried to write T pulled me away and made love to me.
This holiday would be unalloyed happiness if it werenât for the night of the 26th when I drank too much Jack Daniels and threw up. Stupid. Thought I was past that! Kept Avril & T from going to the film weâd planned. But weâll see it tonight. Somehow makes it less shameful. Glorious private evening â Convictâs Last Meal of roast beef, potatoes au gratin, chestnuts, peas, salad, champagne, coconut custard pie.
2nd bottle champagne after film if we have stamina.
1 Jan 81 Resolution; keep better track of my life in this diary but wish I had a better life to keep track of. Particularly grim holidays while Lois repeatedly attacked Ricardo in front of everyone â people afraid to intervene because sheâll attack THEM (my ideas were called âfoolishâ and âromantic.â) I tried teasing her by accusing her of âescort beatingâ while Ricardo murmurs from the corner of the room âI forgive her – Sheâs been so hurt.â
Guess what? Lois has no sense of humor. This is my landlady. She wants to rent the Little House at highest dollar â since thatâs where our washer/dryer is we need a washer/dryer here.
No. Just no.
Sheâs a weird one. When I suggested taking down a mirror so blotchy you canât see yourself in it (it needs to be resilvered) she burst into tears and Toss attacked ME. She said she was willing however to rebind the first editions – I had to point out that destroys their value!
So thereâs nothing I can say. My job is to clean (and then be criticized for it.) Toss has taken over cleaning the silver because I canât be bothered to do it âproperlyâ.
To NYC for preview of Frankenstein â awful â we missed dinner because our train stalled in snow. Playwright overly wedded to novel â death after ludicrous death â not even rescued by special effects. Off to empty little bar Vintages for late supper ruined by Seth who teases Toss mercilessly. Itâs the apparent goal of this family to get a scapegoat and ride them to death. Starting to see why Sutton got the hell out â who would stick around for this abuse?
Ricardo, it seems. And Lois doesnât respect him one bit for it.
Boring New Yearâs Eve party in Merion â I had high hopes (they were all psychiatrists) but all they talked about was heating bills.
Got rid of Seth & Susie 4 pm â pizza and wine dinner â delicious lovemaking. Read The Poet â most poems shockingly bad â but there was one poet I liked â Katherine Hanley â so I wrote her a fan letter.
On the good side: almost finished Pinch of Death. T. is my soul â so good & calm & not provoked at all by Seth who raged against Lois. Ugh. Exams next week.
Bored to shriek point by Trentâs Last Case.
2 Jan 81 One final entry waiting for Sue & Seth to come so we can all catch the 4:25 to NYC.Thinking about male violence. Interesting that Toss doesnât ârealizeâ he threatens me physically. He says I must know heâd never hit me but when heâs angry he breaks things or grabs me by the throat. I point out I donât do that! But most men regard womenâs statement that they are continuously reminded of the threat of male violence as feminist cant!
4 Jan 81 Weather so cold itâs hard to breathe. Tossâs Reed roommate to dinner â watched Murder Once Removed over chestnuts roasted in the hibachi & 2 bots white wine. Struggling with Life & Letters of John Galsworthy.
5 Jan 81 To Princeton to do laundry. Bought life of Dorothy Kilgallen and have been glued to it all day. Wretched woman. Hypnotic erosion of all her values.
Toss confides out checking acct is down to $200. Complete refusal to dislodge capital. Fortunately, Iâm expecting $120 this week. NJ Bar prep starts 12th â not soon enough for me.
6 Jan 81 Taught my class for the last time. I hate review â itâs hell. Sweating so hard I was afraid to lift my arms. Maria asked good questions â James said he didnât know anything about writing before â now he does.
Had to rush to the Whitney to meet Toss & Sutton. Met Suttonâs new flame, widow Pansy Burke â seems nice. She does drop a lot of names.
Sutton dislikes Hopper. Weird! I feel itâs because Hopper is not romantic enough for him. We had an uproarious dinner at The Palms â nothing âmignonâ about my filet â it weighed at least 11 lbs. Wouldnât be so bad if I didnât eat it. Then brandy at brother Domâs.
Get into Princeton 3 AM and our car wonât start. Wrecker (âMotherâs Recoveryâ) comes at 3:45. Sleep till 1 PM then have to rush to catch the 3:05. Did a good story in Writerâs class. I am despised for my âupbeat endingâ â feel mistaken for Aurelia Plath: âKeep a song in your heart.â Professor says there are NO happy endings in Great Literature? I say what about Shakespeareâs comedies. He says comedy is not drama by definition. I say what about Jane Austen? His face tells me what he thinks of HER.
On the train home I reflect on the mysteries of talent. At least 4 in class VERY talented â what will become of us? Possibly: nothing.
I have an idea for a feminist lit mag when I get home; tell T. If we want to BE published we must publish others. My title is âThe Feathered Violinâ his is âThe Burning Bush.â Ha ha.
8 JAN 81 I wake up early to study â making love luxuriously with T when he says âCould you tolerate coitus interruptus for once? I have to call my broker.â
I rush into class 20 mins late to administer my own exam. Kids not punished for that â what they ARE punished for is me being their teacher â graded by the one supervisor who dislikes me. She flunks all my doubtfuls and Maria who should have gotten through. Requesting retest for Maria.
Long argument over dinner about language requirements in schools. Toss says I am âhostileâ to his ideas. I say women are supposed to empathize & sympathize and HE doesnât do that to MY ideas so why not say what I really think? This evolves into criticism that I expect him to pay for my education. Why donât I take out student loans. He canât borrow on margin for me. I say Iâm paying with family money (Capital!) feeling he really wants me to see that Iâm not actually âmakingâ money (incontestable.) Now he is rattling dishes angrily downstairs â his turn to wash them.
13 JAN 81 Off to Phila where T will request variance so he can have law office in his motherâs house. Says this will make him feel better and I am all for it.
Lois shows off a property she is longing to develop into an Italianate palace for herself. Warns me to SAY NOTHING about it â she is always worried people are gossiping about her. Came home to crisis â frozen water pipe dumps water into living room. T takes a steak knife to the hall ceiling to see where the backup is and finds it.
Afraid my class is right and my novel is hopeless and can never be shown to anyone: I wrote it âtoo fastâ for it to be any good. 7 yrs bad, 3 months worse. Depression.
2 Oct 80 Not pregnant, alas. Period came two weeks late but it came. Hard to keep up with this level of disappointment. BA crisis solved â I can keep teaching as long as Iâm WORKING toward BA which is all right with me. Investigating Fordham discover they have a âMath for Poetsâ class that gets me out of their science requirement! Thatâs the school for me! Been having good meetings with students lately â finally getting through to some of them. If they pass the essay they can stay in the school â theyâre on trial, just like me.
5 Oct 80 – Lois upset with me because I want to sell the piano – I even found a buyer. We could really use the space. But she says she doesnât want to sell – itâs a boring unspecial upright piano. But a reminder whose house this is. She also told me not to get pregnant before we have health insurance! I smiled and said it seemed my body IS waiting! Did not enjoy the evening so overdrank. Not too badly â just enough to be annoyed at myself.
Finished Marge Bacons’ Lucretia Mott. A charmed, serene life. More laundry, more writing.
6 Oct 80 â A good day â much accomplished. Ordered the most beautiful stationery in Princeton â had to pay extra for colored ink but itâs worth it.
Asked Toss over after-dinner cigars if he thinks this house will ever be his. He said he thought it was an excellent chance. After all, a farmer farms the land and the whole place desperately needs updating which his mother doesnât want to pay for. I rhapsodized about adding a stone tower like the Brandywine Museum â he said weâre more likely to be cooking over a sterno pot in a field! Not very confident of his chances for passing the bar apparently! He needs a job because heâs driving me crazy.
He spent the afternoon rewiring the garage so it can be lit from the house. Anything rather than basic housework which he considers low on thrills. He doesnât seem to understand how insulting that is to me! However, heâs fine with hiring a cleaning lady which Iâll do the minute I can afford it. Read Love & Work: The Crucial Balance. Distinguishes between âloveâ oriented people who want to love their work and task oriented people.
Wed 8 Oct 80 â All my emotional eggs are in one basket! Overwhelmed with love for Toss â donât want anybody else. People come â and then they go â and Iâm overjoyed to see the back of them. Iâm not sure I even need friends. Disgusted by the world weariness of PD Jamesâ Black Tower. Iâve given up on her. Pity. Everyone else likes her.
Sat 10 Oct 80 â StormFall Farm Absolutely exhausted. Next time Toss suggests coming here Iâll have to tell him my idea of rest & recuperation isnât cleaning a 7 bedroom mansion! Toss is frenzied about the place. When I asked him who put him in charge he admits he just took over. He lashes himself constantly with imaginary humiliating words he assumes âeveryoneâ is saying. Right now heâs yelling downstairs â some kind of breakthrough with the water system. Iâm so tired I could just fall over.
5:30 PM â Thurs 15 Oct â 80 Can still be thrown by a bad day. Got so absorbed counseling a student I was 15 mins late to class â now Iâm hiding in the library calming myself down with Mary Dalyâs Beyond God the Father. Very interesting but kind of naive. Donât reject airplanes because you hate bombers! How would most men score on the Sermon on the Mount test? But I certainly understand the hopelessness of âinstitutionalizingâ emotionality. Supernature gets us off the gerbil wheel. Too much gerbilling here. Donât see how I can handle more than a year of this place.
At least T & I see eye to eye about the housework. I got him to see everyone wants to do âexecutiveâ functions, no one wants to do grunt work so we have to share that out. An hour a day would be plenty!
Fri 17 Oct 80 â On the train Just finished May Sinclairâs 3 Sisters. Fascinating & beautiful feminist plot. Canât think why sheâs so forgotten – probably because she didnât make a fuss of herself.
Managed to forget a teacherâs meeting this AM â another sign Iâm trying to fit the round peg of my life into that square hole.
20 Oct 80 Staying home with an awful cold finishing Prelude so I can write my Wordsworth paper. Type tomorrow AM.
Difficult weekend with friends. Donât know how to handle Tossâs anger in front of other people. Friday night was his night to cook â he made a wonderful boeuf bourguignon. But on my night (Sat) he was so interfering I just let him do it. Heâs moved everything around in the kitchen so I canât find anything â embarrassing.
He seems to be reproducing his motherâs ploys and tensions. Wish he had a little more of his laid-back father in him!
Read Jean Rhysâ Quartet and Smile, Please. What a writer! Such purity! I am really envious. Donât agree sheâs beyond self-pity however â the books pulsate with it. What a pity respect & love arenât joined in the male as they are in the female.
Now reading Janewayâs Powers of the Weak. Thereâs a chapter missing! Interpersonal power politics between husband and wife!
Avril called tonight to say she got the Maine job â (domestic abuse shelter) $11,000 the first year! Bravo! Avril wants to open a bar in Hallowell called âSoâs The Governorâs Sister.â Funny.
22 Oct 80 â Train Creature from the Black Lagoon discussed in Eng class. I was too stupid to contribute. Brent criticized my story Travel Fever â bad ending â (fair enough) but he also said he was surprised at the cruelty in the family! (Katrina the scapegoat.) This from a man who admires Flannery OâConnor. Better off working on novel and NOT short stories. Donât think I have the art.
26 Oct 80 Horrible fight with Toss began with my criticism of his old newspaper and rusty tobacco tin collections â do we really have to save all this moldering junk? He blames me for the âbad moveâ from KY in which he lost so much stuff. But I moved, too. (TWICE.)
He also had the nerve to say we âlive like slobsâ when he was supposed to clean the living room 2 days ago. (Heâs doing it now.)
6:30 PM â He came upstairs and apologized â very sweetly. Lovingly, courageously and open-heartedly. So we did go for walk â gathering branches & berries to decorate house. Saw a beautiful dead bird with a black ruff around its neck â feathers green and black. Blissfully happy reading Rose Macaulayâs Letters. News that Commonweal will publish my poem Life of the Virgin!
30 Oct 80 Very interesting discussion with Toss â he cooked a fabulous leg of lamb (but still refuses to vacuum.) He said Henriette Wyeth not worth the ink sheâs getting for her show â I said art is really lacking in feminine emotion (Rothko Pollock & de Kooning masculinity reduction ad absurdum) and a woman painter raised in a family of male painters is a âtestâ case. Whatâs the missing element? Supernaturalism! Since we borrow our bodies from earth our souls are our only true individuality.
Alysse Aallyn 