One of my earliest jobs was an office work temp – ending up as receptionist at an architecture firm. In my hegira through multiple workplaces I did not find one where I liked the lowly way I was treated. But Warriors, by definition, don’t put up with the Status Quo. Seeking to ratchet up my power level I used my training and auditioned to be a dancer. Things improved mightily! Although I still encountered some mistrust and scorn, on the whole, I achieved my goal of feeling plugged into the Universal Power Source.
From the very beginning I didn’t like doing the same thing as other people. What was the point of that? If someone ordered the same food as me, I changed my order. I was surprised that people would want to do the same thing at the same time. As I grew older, enthusiasm was ruthlessly damped down and my possibilities seemed to harden. Who other people thought you were was “ego”. And they wanted you to stay in that place. Much as I wanted to be admired, maybe even cherished, I could see this categorizing was limiting. A very bad thing. But how to get out of it seemed a conundrum. How can you view the situation you’re in from a point of view you don’t actually have? Lucky for us, there’s imagination! If we are really lucky, imagination crystallizes into Art.
I discovered we don’t have to settle for Ego, for making ourselves distinct from other people. Artists are shape-shifters – they all the best lines, all the brightest colors, giving themselves the best possibilities.
When the “multiverse” became popular, I wasn’t surprised. I was used to living several lives at once.
Baby’s eyes slowly closing in his rocker – thank Goodness. I am ready for a nap. Finished Hope Cooke’s fascinating Time Change (I can read while I breastfeed.) Certainly takes courage to write about one’s life that way. How I would love to! Must get free of this money question. I used to be obsessed with sex – then love – now it’s money. Would like to get my press money together. Always something.
Last night Lois and Toss came in to dinner together – they had been at a mortgage bank in Irvington, NJ where they met with some sympathy.
Baby sleeping 2 hrs! Put aside my John Anderson mystery and find myself opening rejected poetry mss. I am too “ornamental.” Not “formal” enough but these poems “kick up their heels” says the Quarterly Rev of Literature. “Originality & gusto.” Does seem as if every day I have a little more energy.
Man O’War – Abaco – The Bahamas – Hummingbird House – 21 Dec 81 – 3:30 PM Rare minute’s peace. The children screaming all day, except Shane, who did his screaming on the plane. Almost screamed me into a post-partum depression. I was too upset to speak for 45 mins. Toss is fixing a broken lamp, niece Tremayne is reading to other niece Lylo who is tearstained from an encounter with local cat. Mom looking for a Band-Aid for Lylo, Genevieve and Dad trying to determine if second boat is usable.
Island not what I expected. I expected New Yorker style resort instead of bidonville out of a Graham Greene novel. Hummingbird House buried in foliage – wild poinsettia & succulents. 5 minute walk to the beach; a very nice beach and deserted. Unfortunately, windy today and it took some nerve to decide to go in. Water seems cool, then you get used to it.
Shane snoozling next to me. Just put aside Mary Chesnut’s Civil War which I am enjoying tremendously.
Our Pan Am flight was late which made us miss our Air Florida flight to Marsh Harbor and had to put everyone up at local hotel. Not too bothersome although we saw way too much of the Miami airport.
Sisters are in 2 little houses I haven’t seen yet on Dickie’s Cay. Avril says they are nothing to write home about and their advertised “view” is simply a lie. Avril seems happy but her skin very bad – trying to talk her into seeing a dermatologist before wedding. Glad this trip is only a week – tough being in such close quarters with family. Friday I had a very bad day – too many errands to run – had to take Shane in a rush to doctor who fortunately was calm. He’s VERY healthy in the 90th percentile of EVERYTHING. Weight 11 lbs and has grown ½ inch. I am tired of being fat but my discipline is good so it should GO.
Thurs Toss had a wonderful meeting with Central Mortgage – looks like they’ll loan all monies if T raises $50,000 on his stock which he would get back the moment loan goes through. Daisy came over to go over my poetry! I was resistant! With a “view to publication” is just more of the same problem I’ve been having. Screw publication or anyone’s views about this but my own. This is like girls “fixing themselves up” so some man might “have” them.
5 PM – God – it’s all I can do to get Toss to take Shane – now he’s got him and I can write 5 sentences.
Next few years a voyage of discovery – figure out how to please MYSELF. 11:30 PM – Very agreeable evening. Mom & Dad & Toss & I have been drinking & talking & reminiscing for the past 3 hrs. Good relationship with M & D – Dad talks about how I challenge them.
T. just finished reading this diary! (With my approval.) Mostly he’s Ok with it – minor reservations – sort of like Rosencrantz & Guildenstern – he sees things differently from Hamlet. It was painful to have him read my resolution to concentrate on work and say to hell with money – I feel like I’ve tried but I don’t want him to think badly of me. I want to write ghost stories! Lead a subterranean life. Answer no phones between Jan and March. I could always write the story of the way things OUGHT to be – Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre.
5:15 PM Tues 22 Dec 81 Very erotic night – Toss delicious. A lovely lazy day – took baby to the beach –parked him in the shade & swam in the surf. Slept 2 hrs in the afternoon – tonight ham dinner & Christmas celebration!
Wed 23 Dec – 3:30 PM So much to write I’m scared to get started – Shane could interrupt at any moment. He gave me a fairly rough night – been sleeping only 45 mins – needs to be fed every hour and a half – felt I’d gone several rounds with Sonny Liston. This AM at the beach he needed constant holding. During lunch he slept ½ hr – up 2 hrs – now sleeping again. Do I want to sleep? Read? Write about money or sisters?
9:30 PM – Very pleasurable evening. Read thru NY Times – review of Adrienne Rich’s Wild Patience making me feel human again. A little privacy to chew intellectual meat brings me out of any downspin. To write poetry of the most important simplicities individual to our era suddenly seems of maximum importance.
Just fed S – he sleeps very sweetly in his “Little Jogger” outfit – Xmas gift from Avril. “To assemble Japanese bicycle one must have peace of mind.” If you accept the slavery of Zen does it make you free?
11:30 PM – Christmas Eve Firecrackers…and they’ll probably go off all night. Feeling well rested – 2 extra hours sleep at breakfast (Shane’s fussiest period) while T took him, then lay around till 2 when I went swimming. Expressed 2 bottles milk.
Played cards – wild, vulgar Michigan – WON. Shane sleeping since 9. Tomorrow – snorkeling! I part company with Mary Chesnut – it’s a valuable historical document BUT her tirades on slave-owners going bankrupt through their “charity” makes you puke. She regards herself as quite an authority on slave behavior! I’d say the reverse is likely true. (Why do they keep singing “Massa’s in de Cold Cold Ground”? Hmm.) Reminds me of that bizarre man who studied homosexuals to find out what men are really like! Weird.
Thinking of Lois’ reaction to my press idea – that I am neither a good writer nor a good businesswoman. I refuse to look at my press as a business but operating a philanthropy at this stage of our lives too insane. Third way – seeding the ground? The Literary World is a malignant casino where the statistics are against you.
Start a vigorous exercise plan when I get home – right now I’m lying around worrying. Can I afford BOTH cleaner and therapist? Cleaner DEFINITELY more important! Was Guilders College a senseless detour? Made me a bit sad to see how proud it made T.
Concentrate on being a good mother to Shane – not making others’ mistakes. T thinks he will have financing for project in Jan. Priorities are family and writing – friends & school just have to wait. I want to be known as having a valuable contribution to make.
2:30 PM – Mon 28 Dec 81 Interesting and FAIR article on Plath in the New Republic. Since I wrote the above I have taken Tylenol for atrocious headache and put Shane in the Swing-o-matic to stop his screaming. First he didn’t like it at all, then sat with a hurt and insulted expression throughout – finally fell asleep. It’s not moving any more but I refuse to touch it and wake him.
Feel like I’m in an inescapable maze! MUST surmount this. Shane awake, so swinging again. Still looks far from happy but at least I get to write this.
Yesterday draining – up at 6:15 to catch 8 AM ferry to Marsh Harbor – traveling, airports, taxis and trains all day toil 8:15 PM – lucky to get home THAT early – caught the 7 PM train at Penn Station by 12 seconds. When we finally got home, Shane went on a shriek – I was numb just wanting to retreat into Times Book Review. Then all night long he needed nursing at hour and a half intervals – till I finally had T give him sugar water so I could get some sleep.
He’s now lying so beautifully – magnificent legs extended – I feel dumb & stupid. Rejected romance novel – they liked love scenes but want less barter. Agent asks do I want to revise. HELL NO. Plath needed to stay alive & keep working, article concludes!
10 PM – feel much better. Some food – 20 min nap – good hour reading NY Times. News: the Blands divorcing. I realize with such thankfulness my luck in having Toss – intellectual yet sentimental (in the best sense!) humorous but passionate, sexy but monogamous!
The baby, after being a wild man all day, has been asleep 2 hrs! Think I’ll try to stay up.
1:45 AM – I am a new woman! T and I have been bouncing around – wrote my thank you notes, wrapped 3 presents, packed one, sorted through oddments preparatory to cleaning bedroom. T has mounted phone cord to avert trip & falls, now mounting heating pad controls so they won’t get lost in Dusty Under-bed Darkness. The only solution to babydom is to do without sleep. God, I’m in a good mood. Still plan to do my nails & read a little.
Read wonderful Plath poem Child’s Park Stones. Different from her best-known stuff, yet excellent. Wrote a letter to Barry about my press. I need an upswing.
Bad news – Scribner’s rejects mystery, so I went to the hairdresser in great determination to get a new cut & body wave. I showed her pictures and she seemed to know what she was doing but it came out much too curly when what I wanted was a wave. She said after I washed it most of the curl would leave – it HASN’T – even the color looks brassier – now I think I look like Little Orphan Annie. Toss says “you traumatize easy” and it’s the truth. Never acquired the rhinoceros hide. Trying to be philosophical but feeling hopeless about my work which is the obvious result when you try to please people but don’t. Afraid agent Lavallee is going to abandon me and I couldn’t blame her – also the whole thing about having an agent is they have to think about the market and the market is telling me to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Luckily the baby is a great joy. I let myself get too tired – made a big effort to get to Women’s Group and it was distressingly boring Old Testament stuff. When I tried to apologize to Mom for dragging her to this event she behaved strangely – maybe she PREFERS Old Testament – couldn’t figure it out. Daisy wanted to know why I was distressed and I couldn’t explain how my parents seem to feel threatened by my religious beliefs. Mom & Daisy did NOT like each other. At least Mom didn’t act scornful which was my big fear.
Last Sutton & Pansy came to dinner with Mom & Dad – it was a successful event and the parents liked Pansy very much. Didn’t sniff afterwards about how vulgar they were or over-interested in money. In fact, they acted like rich people around me for the first time, drinking a lot of wine and talking about Merrill Lynch Cash Management Fund. Toss very surprised to hear his father say that if certain targets are reached, he plans to give the Country Store he bought for $125,000 to the manager, a virtual stranger! T used to be against hitting up Sutton for bucks but this might change his mind.
Tonight parents are off to Aunt Fred’s so Toss & I can have dinner alone. Tomorrow afternoon Mom & Dad leave.
Thousands of phone calls to make and letters to write but I think I will just be ruthless and postpone them till I feel up to it. God, I feel better! Just need to talk to myself once in a while. Having a beer and trying to express milk for the baby’s night bottle.
8 PM 4 Dec 81 Started hemorrhaging at midwife appt today. Adair gave me a shot of methargine and had me rest until the bleeding stopped, then prescribed bedrest! No stairs for a week! No housework! I was so tired I was grateful for the directive. I especially want to avoid a D & C.
8:20 PM Tues 8 Dec 81 I did have to go to the hospital – had to call Adair at ll:30 because bleeding started up again with enormous clots! She came over and said I needed Medical Management.
I went to Middlesex Hospital at 2 AM where I was prodded and probed by literally EVERYONE in the emergency room while I clung tearfully to Toss, upset at being separated from Shane, who was being cared for by Lois. Finally, I was sent to a private room where I was able to express milk. Sent 2 bottles back with T so Shane never did run short.
The Pitocin in my IV finally stopped the bleeding and I was released at 5:30 without having a D & C.
Since then I’ve been OK – no bleeding at all.
I am being driven insane by being waited on. T never has dinner ready before 9 and when I send him for tea or coffee he always forgets.
I don’t mind giving up housework but I want to resume a normal schedule and take Shane places but we really can’t go anywhere before the Bahamas.
My reading diverse – The Economist, Money mag and 2 Agatha Christies. Also the entire diary of the Princess of Pless, which I found fascinating.
Yesterday I almost got back to my writing but Shane thrashed around like a whale in a tank all afternoon and by the time he subsided I needed a nap myself. Baby needs changing AGAIN!
Last week the nearest I got to postpartum depression was sobbing over Scribner rejection. I hold 2 contradictory views at the same time. Money represents freedom & dignity, and, it doesn’t matter at all.
Daddy weirdly touchy with me at the beginning of our visit asking what mistakes I’m going to make with MY child (as if I knew!) The only thing I can tell for sure is I’m bound to make SOME (but I won’t make THEIRS.) Sutton seems to have made an impact on him – he bought Printronix, opened a margin account and checks out the stock possibilities of California wines.
Freedom would mean writing what I like and selling directly. What fun. But you have to be prepared to lose money on it. I like doing things MY WAY which is probably why I’ve had so little success so far.
Dr. Jones trying to discover how my self-esteem got so badly damaged in the first place. Feel power slowly returning to me through the confusion & helplessness. Dimly realize I should welcome these difficulties if it makes me stronger. Freeing myself from people liking my poetry. My enemies are exhaustion & demoralization. Still want to write a mystery and have so many ideas I am afraid of them. Also, bothered by Toss. I have been horny the past 3 nights (no full sex for 6 weeks) but he keeps falling asleep with his clothes on.
Being good on my diet so hopefully will be skinny soon. Already look not-too-bad though stomach loose. Swimming in the Bahamas will help. Reading Troyat’s Catherine the Great. Looks like baby needs a feeding. Won’t tackle stairs till the weekend – then I’ll feel I’ve done my best.
10:45 PM Wonderful interview with William Stafford in American Poetry Review. Helpful yet caused fresh agonies. It was about writing for the process, avoiding disapproval AND approval. Yet how kill this terrible hunger?
My last conversation with Charlene making me think this friendship is pretty well over. I have the sense of not being listened to. She thinks I’m too privileged to have problems. Says I should try a tutorial with Ezra (whose taste I deplore) when I have given up on Guilders (and it has given up on me.)
Wed 9 Dec 81 Poor Weasel killed by a car this morning – killed outright, thank God – ½ hr after leaving the house. Very sad knowing she got away with this because we couldn’t pay attention to her. Lately we’ve been trying to get her to sleep in a cotton lined bed because of her allergy and she was taking it as a punishment. In a year or two it will be time to get a puppy Dixie can lick into shape.
Goodbye, beloved white dog. See you where all things are perfect and I can give you the attention you deserve. Valiant Toss out burying the body.
Thinking tormentedly about my writing. So much I want to write and can’t – rejection and poverty are difficult. But my “problem” is something else. The terms of my bondage are unclear. What is the condition I am searching for? Serenity. It’s funny how much better this diary makes me feel.
3:15 PM Baby asleep almost 2 hrs now. I’m still in bed – the crises and chaos of this morning haven’t allowed me to get up yet. Reading Living With Your New Baby which is very helpful. Called Lois to tell her I can’t cope with phone calls for the time being – I need to isolate to cope with stress. However, I could address announcement envelopes if Toss would remember to bring them home. Granma is being a pain, constantly calling & writing – we will see her Sat. She offered money but seems to have forgotten.
Hard to believe Weasel, so vibrant a few hours ago, is bloodied & broken in the earth.
Disappointed by mail – no acknowledgement by agent of MSS. Sunk in hopeless apathy, I refuse to speculate on how long it will take her to read the book. However, some good things are happening. Phyllis Chesler’s Women, Money & Power really excellent. Like all these women in the book I am just attempting to survive. The best I can do is keep an eye on commerciality. Maybe I can teach.
Toss sold his Suburban Propane during a brief market rally and got $6000. This weekend heavy socializing. The Plattens over for drinks Fri, the Weiners dinner Sat. Duke Droyer & his new wife Muffy for lunch Sun. This entailed quantities of clearing, cleaning & cooking. As a result, house in great shape. Toss a big help , thoroughly scoured the kitchen & bathrooms while yelling how dirty I am. That made me sad. Chesler is right – don’t ever get cast in the role of having more than 50 percent responsibility for housework. Never accept blame.
Women who do housework are so abused the only reason to do it is because you enjoy it or you don’t want the baby to slip in the slime. Today only empty & reload dishwasher, make bed, vacuum rug.
Spent 4 full hours on poetry only interrupted by phone calls from Toss & Dom. Received International Directory of Little Mags so mailing out droves of material. It has taken me 6 yrs to get 30 acceptances. My aim is 100, but I may get disgusted sooner. No decent relationships result. Seems like a great reason for having your own press. Now I love my Siddall poem which I almost threw away. You never know.
Need to buy nightgowns for my hospital kit but that will have to wait for tomorrow – we took the depressing tour yesterday.
At 6:30 make hamburgers, meet Toss at the train, drive to Bradley class – an important one – Adair explains Caesareans.
Sat 31 OCT 81 Met a woman named Daisy at Trinity Church yesterday – she has 3 kids, plastic surgeon husband, hopes to write for money. I showed her my poems – she has never been published. She admired them, pulled out hers – wish I hadn’t shown my poor, thin, stuff! (I am a late as opposed to early Eliot.) She is a natural poet – use of language acute, original and free. She doesn’t k now how good she is. On the other hand, her fiction is a mess – classic poet’s fiction – everything happening at once. A novel in 3 single-spaced pages! It’s a curable condition but her forte is poetry.
She’s coming for dinner (with husband) Sunday. Now I am faced with the difficulties of getting up when I don’t like being vertical.
Rewrote my Mansfield essay & shipped it off to new journal. Last night couldn’t sleep – woke Toss at 2 AM to make love to me – he was very good-natured about it.
3:20 PM Already exhausted with much left to do. Finished the ironing. Unfortunately mail brings rejection of my romance novel. They liked the writing, said the characterization “strong” but narrative “diffuse.”
3 PM Mon 2 Nov 81 Good intense work on the accounts but can’t wash the dishes till I write here. At dinner Daisy asked me if I wanted REAL criticism of my poetry – her tone full of warning. I steeled myself & said yes. She said I don’t write about the subject I write AROUND it using words as defenses & shields.
I am particularly vulnerable to such criticisms right now. I am escapist. The uncomfortable truth is I will never be as good a poet as Daisy because I am a “literary” poet who should be writing fiction. Toss told me afterward he likes my poems better than Daisy’s because they “get richer with every reading.” He never criticizes just to make me feel good so there must be some truth in this.
I contemplate the shocks of the past few months. Feels like all my props have been taken away. Feels almost spiritual, as if God is hammering on me. Seems like time to start building afresh. But I’m not yet ready to repudiate my dream of writing a commercial novel. I don’t need to get rich, I just need a grubstake. Do I even believe in myself? I think I don’t (it’s too hard) but I do believe in my work.
Guilders has the nerve to ask me to take classes THERE for my degree – I don’t burn that bridge – but I don’t want to. They are not emotionally supportive. They are preparing me for a world I don’t believe in. I can do better.
Starting to come to terms with the deep scars inflicted on me by my parents – I just wasn’t what they had in mind! Feel like I’m on my way to a workable life. Feeling my way. I want to be known. Spend my class time at Marycliff (Dr Jones’ college) trying to get closer to God. It’s a feminine voice that is speaking to me.
3 Nov 81 Discouraging letter from agent. She has sent Pinch out first time, still sending around Wolves & Blood. I need to get some hope going but nothing’s there. This is a life of slow starvation. Avril calls to say she & Karl are engaged! Will announce after his divorce (January) then marry in July.
Read 2 murder mysteries with fantastic openings & disappointing endings.
4 Nov 81 Pray have baby before Thanksgiving. Letter from agent saying my romance “very good of its kind.’ The SMALLEST encouragement helps but I needed it a month ago. Seems impossible to ever write another romance now. If my original editor hadn’t been fired, how different my career might be now?
Definite steps forward getting ready for Baby. Bought baby lotion, oil, talc, etc, made and froze 4 little meatloaves. Finished accts, cleaned the kitchen, read Agatha, brooding over what makes a good mystery.
Tomorrow sew, iron, clean study (soon to be baby’s room).Snap out of my stupor & fetch Toss from train.
10:45 PM Thurs 5 Nov 81 Always wonder how close I am to THE BIRTH, as I write the date. Don’t pick T up at train for one hour; can I stay awake? I finished cleaning kitchen, freezing two lasagnas; not in the mood for all the virtuous things I MIGHT be doing. Painted my toenails over my vast belly for what I hope is LAST TIME.
A little ironing this AM before time to rush off to Women’s Group.
Rather terrified to face Daisy! I very unwillingly discover I do have a rather large fund of self-contempt. Makes me sad, I don’t like admitting I’m so cruel to myself. I thought my parents were full of contempt for me and “transferred it.” Every time I exposed my aspirations they made me burn with shame. Feel Daisy has “exposed” me as a “non-poet.” Pregnancy causes loss of identity and her strong personality moves in.
Excellent Women’s Group with a beautiful communion which I think Daisy – lapsed Catholic – really enjoyed. Woman who contracted cerebral palsy from a riding accident in midlife (and then her husband dumped her!) wrote book & spoke about it.
Afterwards lunch with Fran Drevers & Daisy. Why be in such a rush? Everyone asks me. Have to get it done before my nervous breakdown! Pity my family took no interest in my writing. My role was “needy”. They threw money & food at us and fled.
Writing requires an extensive underground existence. Probably neither romance nor mystery will be accepted. (Fatalism, let’s blame that.) And I will have to start over as I’ve done oh so many times. Children will be different! Look forward to this labor as a watershed.
Party went well – bathroom finished, house stunningly clean & orderly. I got a bit snarly with Toss because he has literally no idea how to fit tasks into a time frame – whatever he chooses to do takes forever. He can’t prioritize, either. But the food was good, and I could tell Genevieve and Brett had a good time.
Toss and I got up early and dressed in our dowdiest clothes to go to New Brunswick and breach IRS. T and I did research – who knew I kept an 1978 expense diary? We bristled with estimates & documentation – T said he could get me a refund! I begged him not to even TRY. Called for directions – our contact not even there so a new time set up. Annoying jerk-woman! Spend the day reading Shana Alexander’s Anyone’s Daughter and reflecting on the general weirdness of Mom & Dad.
Fri 6 Mar 81 -11:15 PM Toss is in DC for an attorney fees conference so I am all by myself. Tried calling him an hour ago but I think they went out to dinner; now I’m too tired.
Exhausted after doing all the work I can stand – letters to everybody. Lots of good news – Toss admits he’s worth a quarter million so he can afford to put another $900 into our account. It also explains why he doesn’t want to take a job he hates! I wouldn’t either! In fact I have a little more money than usual because the fellows were included in the general raise at Guilders. And Toss DID get a refund for me from the IRS which frankly I think was a miracle. I immediately buy $100 worth of spring clothes and sign up for dance class ($65/month.) Where they yell at me for my style (which was to be expected. They were NOT impressed by the likes of Martha Graham.)
The best news of all is that Lois won her long-running case against her mother’s self-serving trustees – the bank has been officially chastised and DUMPED. Now Lois can develop the property – work for Toss & money for everybody. Unfortunately her first action is to get her sons to sign off on any interest they had in the trust – sign it over to her. This raised my eyebrows but T trusts her.
Good conversation with Mom & Dad – I hadn’t actually looked at their blueprints for the new island house but I didn’t let on. Invited Mom to study in England with me three weeks this summer – she says she can’t take that much time away from Dad – he would just drink orange juice & sherry & sob.
Sun 8 Mar 81 April isn’t the cruelest month – Feb & March are. Oh for it to be over. Depressed phone call from Avril – I told her how much reading theology had helped me. Suffering isn’t purposeless; it’s the beginning of everything. The wake-up call. She was depressed enough to listen.
Read Beryl Bainbridge’s disappointing Quiet Life and am now plunged into Pearson’s Life of Ian Fleming. There’s a cautionary tale for you. Can it on the gin & cigarettes.
Wed. 11 Mar 81 So tired all the time I am DRAGGING myself around. Lois is angry that we’re not paying rent – Toss trying to negotiate “work he does around the place” which keeps him away from writing & the law. Sutton calls to say he’s marrying Pansy.
Lois demands a “pow-wow” about “the unresolved state of this family” which I think will be more screaming about Sutton and all the Hideous Wrongs he did her long, long, long ago. While we sit there pie-eyed.
12 Mar 81 I was right about the pow-wow. She wanted to read us a long letter she’s writing to Sutton about how he’s a bird who fouls his own nest. We know but don’t say this is in response to his marriage announcement. I do tell her she’s acting like they got divorced YESTERDAY and she tells me I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. Gives more examples from the ancient past of what an awful father Sutton was, abandoning his children etc. etc. I say she should be GLAD SHE’S RID OF HIM if all these things are true. Her argument sounds like he was too awful to be “allowed” to leave her but isn’t she really saying she deserves better?
Slowly it emerges that she’s really depressed because her advisors tell her she needs a partner with a track record to develop Grover Mill property (not to mention the one she wants to buy in Phila.) Toss says he will be her attorney. My hackles rise. This is a woman who calls black white and praises herself for her honesty all in one breath.
I tell Toss privately we need to get the HECK out of her house but he’s loving being involved with his grandparents’ stuff.
Sat 21 Mar 81 Hoping I’m pregnant. Just don’t want to focus on anyone else. Reading advice book for writers it occurred to me I’ve heard ALL THIS BEFORE – in women’s mags telling girls how to attract men. “Find out what he likes and be that” ;“Careful not to turn him off” ;“Smile” ; and “Be cheerful NO MATTER WHAT.” Also how to get hired in Domestic Service circa 1800. There’s the truth about buyers’ markets.
I need a press of my own.
24 Mar 81 (Tues) In the train Good day yesterday – I typed 20 p of novel – Toss got a Kidder Peabody check. Determined to send novel to my agent for her opinion NO MATTER WHAT my class says. Made the 9:30 dance class.
Reading a history of the Alcott family. Pretty sure I’m pregnant – breasts enlarged and period 10 days late! And all this exhaustion!! I’ve been too tired for sex! Also depressed at living in a cramped ancient house full of ugly broken down furniture.
Wed Ap 1 81 Have to face it – I just HATE PD James. Why is she revered? Unsuitable Job for a Woman unsuitable for reading. I am very bothered by people’s bad taste. James’ attitude to humanity downright depressing. Guiltily enjoy Christie’s The Pale Horse instead. Wonderful book! Avril and I have long discussion about how impossible it is to diet when depressed. Food is not just love; it’s excitement, color, interest.
7 Tues Ap 81 Wonderful news! YES I am pregnant and Toss won prestigious IRE award (with Larry West) on their coal connection series. Just back from celebratory weekend in Kentucky. We’ll be going out to San Diego for awards dinner. Toss feeling elated & secure. Now if I can just make It through this semester…
18 Sept 81 5:45 PM Diary goes to the wall as I grimly assemble a poetry collection for contest – for sacrificial reasons, knowing I won’t win – constant need for naps. Have I been awake at all today? Endless problems over Fordham Life Exp credits making me want to say The Hell With It. How do I get into these fixes – suddenly dependent for “approval” from bureaucrats I despise? There must be another way to live. Plumly’s ugly insistence on “appearance versus reality” raises its hideous head. I am an artist, most at home in the company of artists – but the financial picture cloudy. Still “finding myself” as they say.
Learning not to care about $ could be tough when I am about to become a mother! Forced to conclude my timing has always been bad. T. unexpectedly inviting me out to dinner really helps with the gloom..
12:50 AM Sun 20 Sept 81 Hard day in NYC with Mom & Dad – when they heard my agent wants me to write a romantic novel they immediately began arguing on her side!!! If I had said I was GOING to do it they would have attacked ME! “How long would it take?” “Wouldn’t it be worth it to get out from under?” Then it was poor Toss’s turn to be grilled about his & Lois’ newly incorporated property development firm Faircross: “it can’t work.” Our unborn baby referred to as “another mouth in line for the swag.” Then they invited us to the Bahamas.
Toss. was polite but handled it well. I could see he was offended. Afterwards he told me he didn’t WANT to go to the Bahamas but I DO. What other chance will I get? MY SISTERS ARE GOING! T wants me to promise him to never to ask my Dad for money again! (That would suit my Dad!) But there’s a problem. At least SOME OF IT is my money – they keep laying it aside in my name “for tax reasons” but they don’t give it to me to manage because I would spend it. (Which I would.) Toss gets to manage his own money and Faircross is what he’s doing with it. Deciding how to spend it is the whole point. Till then it’s Poor Little Rich Girl. According to their own statements they have 2 months to give me $4000.
1:10 PM – Toss leaves with our housework half done – has to go to Phila to tell Lois’ frenemy Imogen that she can’t be part of Faircross. He wants her OUT. She has the track record but not the cash. I’m going to finish house and then work on my new, entirely cynical romance Tarnished Vows. I’ve got a whole series planned in my head called The Double Standard elucidating – guess what? If I wrote 5 of them I could make $40,000. Can always use a pseudonym. Last night’s Lamaze made me feel ebullient – confident – ready to go at any moment. Wash & brush dogs.
Up early to take Granma to Quaker Meeting. Very boring. Elder from my first wedding came up and spoke to me – I didn’t recognize her! It was Grandmother Day – spent the afternoon with Mother Louise who forgets who everyone is after 20 mins. In the evening long ecstatic phone gossip with Avril.
Mon 19 Jan 81 Jam packed day – filed grades at Guilders, Financial Aid lecture at Fordham then drinks at World Trade Center with T & Old roommate. Tues depressing orientation at Fordham – can’t get “life experience” credits till you have 20 Fordham credits! Decided to apply for guaranteed student loan – T will be happy. Considering Study Abroad in Eng! After I get pregnant that will be no longer possible. Letter from Book Forum asking me to come in – they might have something for me to do! That would be the first thing I haven’t had to claw for – its welcome. Set up apt for next Wed. Bad thriller by Stanton Forbes & good one by Anne Morice.
22 Jan Thurs 81 Wonderful women’s service at Trinity – new minister Joan Platt – like her very much. Completely relaxed about me sobbing my way through the Nicene Creed – “it gets some people that way!”
Went to the Fordham party with Donna – Dr Dohrn seems to think I could be pulled out of the Excel program fairly soon. Introduced Donna to T’s old roommate – she was nervous and he was supercilious. I give up matchmaking. T (due in ½ hr driving the ’65 Chrysler Imperial from Phila) said people create their own hells of loneliness.
Sat 24 Jan 81 Off to Trenton library with T – he studies and I enjoy Caroline Gordon’s How to Read A Novel. We look at washers and driers – you really can’t get anything for under $700 so we buy a heated bed-pad instead. I read The Denatured Novel – then we have chicken soup in bed watching Desk Set.
Thurs 29 Jan 81 I like the women’s service even better than the discussion afterwards.
Stress interview with Book Forum – wanted me to “throw out 1,000 ideas really fast.” Became completely tongue tied – hadn’t expected that – thought we’d talk about what THEY need. As a result I looked like an idiot. Could barely smile. Awful. I came up with my “Impure Women” concept – Mansfield, Plath, Woolf – that was it. Sounded tired even to me. Obviously never hear from them again. Imagine me being taken for an academic! Hilarious.
Fast registrations at both Fordham & Guilders – only had to pay ½ when I said I was getting a loan. Dinner with Charlene but I rushed home missing T – it was 12:10 and he waited up for me. Delirious marital sex all over the place.
Fri 30 Jan 81 Terrible arguments with T about Episcopalianism vs Quakerism. He’s not looking forward to The Episcopalian dance.
Sat 31 Jan 81 T in his wedding tuxedo – me in a blue bridesmaid’s dress at the Episc. Dance. I especially enjoyed meeting Joan Platt’s husband Peter. Also the new curate – slight pretty girl. (The poor Catholics! We have a deep bench.) Connected with my parents’ old friends the Macdonalds. Bob McD hilariously funny. T had a great time; no fighting, no biting. We left at 11.
Sun 1 Feb 81 Met T’s brother Dom on train – T in “correction mode.” He never does this at home. I called him Mr. Persnickety.
Wait a solid hr at Lois’ house till we can leave for Chadd’s Ford. I eat too many cookies while marveling at Lois’ ability to estrange people. She goes on and on about how the Garden of Eden is a birth myth – this has never been noticed in the history of time by anyone but her. We don’t argue because that would trigger an endless “scene” – she would make us sit there for an eternity unable to move while she beats us into submission.
That’s the kind of audience she prefers – cowed. Ricardo wiggles his eyebrows at his behind her back, gesturing “Please don’t say anything so we can just get out of here and have a nice day.” She goes on and on in her baby-girl voice while batting her eyelashes until you want to smack her. The worst thing that could ever happen to her in life would be to meet herself – neither would ever give ground until they both died, like a Greek myth. If she read any actual books she would not be so impressed with her own ideas – she hasn’t gotten through a whole one the entire time I’ve known her. She’s still reeling from the Deep Truths of The Road Less Travelled – gave everyone copies so they can see how terrible others are – it’s never her.
Finally we get out of there and take both grandmothers out to dinner in Chadd’s Ford to celebrate their birthdays and have a very nice meal. I’m bored solid so eat too much.
Reading the last vol of Kathleen Raine’s autobio – she’s having a rough time with Christianity and there’s no comfort I can give her.
Tues. 4 Feb 81 First day of class both teaching & taking. Met with Fordham advisor who wants me to switch out of Excel and pursue a double major – maybe philosophy! Whoa there!
My teaching class is all babies with glazed eyes – my fiction seminar wrangles about the Death of the Novel. Very dispiriting. They are excited by horrible shit sans character or plot. Plot is contrived and character is MUTABLE. I need to stop reading thrillers – must learn to like Robbe-Grillet.
Wed 5 Feb 81 Miss T – haven’t seen him since 9. Gave my class a really easy test they could pass they all failed. Blue, blue blue.
Women’s group wonderful on the other hand – I adore Joan. Want to ask her to christen our children.
Sat 7 Feb 81 Spent $359 on bathroom floor tiles. It had to be done.
Dinner at the neighbors who wanted to show off their friend Jon Purvis a famous journalist. I got too drunk – T has forgiven me but I can’t forgive myself. Bad day all day. The sorrow of teaching English to the deprived – taking their money and flunking them – is always with me. Don’t like this system. Tried moving novel into first person voice – something my class can respect. Wonderfully cheering call with Avril – she is so good.
Mon 9 Feb 81 Off to library in Chrysler – got a flat tire – had to wait an hour for AAA – missed appt with man to hook up tiny washer dryer we are installing in dining room closet. Feel squeezed & helpless.
Discouraged by mess in house. Frustration the most difficult emotion to deal with. Not impressed by Ross Macdonald: “There’s nothing worse than an ugly woman with a gun.” Really? Bid of $1000 for wiring & plumbing. We’re not paying Lois for rent, she’s not compensating us for improving her property. I try not to care or keep track. Bills bills bills and soon it will be tax time while every job prospect for T melts mysteriously away.
18 Feb 81 Coming out of depression. IRS is auditing me – Toss being completely calm and supportive. I have an attorney! He will represent me! Costume dinner at Snowbury was waste space but we had fun wearing the costumes & we met some interesting people. (Mayor & his girlfriend, a lawyer.)
Weekend at StormFall where I officially give up on fiction and surrender to poetry. Offer to help Gretchen Fuchs find a publisher for her book. I can’t believe we won’t be successful, she’s so good. Toss pantingly bathroom.
20 Feb 81 My depression climaxes and I call in sick – feel like an ugly hopeless worthless slob. Housework all day until I become depressed over how ancient and broken everything is. So desperate I try prayer. The cure lies in orderliness I’m sure.
Sun 22 Feb 81 One cure for depression is reading my diaries – the horrors of Ryder, Devon, Jervaze. Toss so wonderful by comparison. More relief offered by Anne Sexton’s poems.
Mon 23 Feb 81 Feel so unequal to everything. Trying to please too many people with my writing – obvious cure: please only myself.
T asked if I would mind him working for the govt – prosecutor or IRS. I said no – if he wasn’t bored. He said he’s never been as close to another person as he is to me – relief. I was considering myself a hopeless case. Dancing the only job where I didn’t have the fear of being “found out” because I knew I was good at it.
First article about psychoanalysis (New Yorker) much better than second one. If only one had endless money & time! Think about Avril’s fear – that pain exhumed will rise up and annihilate us. Neglect PLUS fear of abandonment are Mom & Dad’s legacy!
So many unanswered questions. When Mom seemed not to hear us was she really in a trance or just pretending? Dissociative state from childhood abuse? Genevieve and I have discussed this – we were completely unable to get her attention. She seemed frozen. Didn’t even flicker. Where’d she go? She was raised in isolated conditions with no Mom, (not allowed to have friends over or bring them to her house.)
She was always “overwhelmed” and could alleviate her guilt by smothering Avril. She clings to Daddy like a lifebuoy, like she’s HIS child.
Telling his children we were going to be “poor” when we moved to Africa was probably a mistake. He just wanted to instill frugality but it was a bombshell in a child’s world and certainly not accurate. NOT told about Uncle Charles’ inheritance or Dad’s portfolio. In Brockton public school my experience with poverty was intimate & scary. That friend who slept on the floor, whose parents had beer but no furniture. It hurt physically, like hunger.
I dealt with it by sleepwalking & hypochondria about blindness & disease (not too paranoid in Africa.) Parents Victorian in their ability to refuse information. Avril’s isolation from the rest of us almost too painful to recall.
Dad sneered at and made fun of our schooling, friends, religion, parents. No system was “good” enough for us. He said news & history was lies & propaganda. TV & movies were crass manipulation and teachers were ignorant. You can’t just say that and then send kids back to school! No expertise allowed or acknowledged. Parents always mildly surprised when we got jobs.
I recall my religious longings quite clearly. First I thought ‘God’ was a dirty word because people acted so weird about it. Brockton had no Friends meeting and the Methodist Sunday School we attended a few times (Mom and Dad dropped us off, didn’t attend the church) was confusing and meaningless. When Mom read us the 23rd psalm, we jeered at it the way we’d been taught and she cried! Then of course Dad yelled at us!
Being unwillingly in “the vanguard” certainly feels like being an outcast! Don’t know how to help Avril’s depression – my badgering psychoanalytic/spiritual letters aren’t welcome. We were fated to follow the pattern of Dad’s growth, whatever that might be.
Last Thanksgiving when we played the game “psychiatrist”. Mom said the year she’d like to live over was the summer of 1958, cruising the Georgian Bay. The closest we got to perfect family happiness. A weirdly frozen unchangingness. Isolated from everyone! Produces an anguished Sisyphean yearning that’s with me still.
I did better with the loneliness. Avril fears to re-live it. Mom actually carries it around inside her like a dead baby!
My curiosity: what future did they envision for us? They acted so weird about basic mental health – “too bad you’re that way” instead of encouraging “good” choices. Because there was no good path? When we followed their with husbands, children, they didn’t react with any particular glee. Julio & Kent were run through the wringer and would state right now Mom and Dad loathed them. Both my weddings were icy, much as I tried to rewrite the family. I think they worked out the personal animosities of their relationship over our quivering live bodies.
Dad’s insistence that the only college possible was Chevenix, the only belief system acceptable was Quakerism so weirdly rigid. We could never “discover” anything, it had already been discovered. I think our efforts at crawling into adulthood were actively repulsed. We clocked in, admiring of them and their “success”, allowing things to be done for us. Behind the pain lies rage; both endlessly intensifying. Gen & I fought back – Avril & Merrill endlessly victimized.
Don’t want to see Ezra today, don’t feel I have anything new to talk about. I could discuss his book – if I’d read it.
4 more days of school. Tolerable, definitely. Think I’ll start a conscious course of praying for Avril – see what happens.
10:25 AM Thurs 18 Dec 80 Should be correcting papers but can’t face it yet. Looking forward to a breather from school. Wish I could go to church every day but there’s nothing nearby. Hoping it will be different when I go to Fordham. Paulist church too big – I liked Church of the Resurrection on E 77th.
Pretending to look at the floating countryside I eavesdrop on conversations behind me – art dealers: “Are you ever asked about your credentials?” Answer, “No, never. They only ask about credentials when you’re applying for low-paying jobs.”
Christmas shapes up interestingly. Caroling in Haverford Sun, Christmas eve with the Brintons till 4, then dinner with Louise. Christmas Day with Lois. Avril 26th and Genevieve 27th. Douglas cocktail party 28th. Shawn Kobler to dinner sometime after that.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
Get up earlier, go running with T
Write in diary every day – match flow of life to flow of thought.
Go to church oftener
Christmas Day, noon – 80 An extravagant morning of love with my honey brings me out of the depression I’ve had since Mon. Came back from an awful day of school to hear about Toss’s interview with his father’s lawyer friend – no dice. T comes from the wrong law school, nobody’s hiring. They won’t even hire from Temple – they recruit at “premier” schools in junior year. T. feels certain he wants to start out soloing. I’m scared of the insecurity but I’m not pregnant and we have no rent – it’s the perfect time. Then T said he wanted to buy a word processor which we fought about for the rest of the night with T becoming so angry he almost strangled me. Nightmare visions of my first marriage kept floating in front of my eyes.
Capital can only be spent on state of the art equipment to impress everyone – then we sit back and wait for the money to roll in. Which it never does. Why not rent a word processor?
He plans to open his office in his mother’s house. I think we ought to wait till he has some business first. I offered to help. “No, Alysse,” he said coldly, “I’m not going into law partnership with you.” Whew!
He pointed out the “thousands” we’re losing because I’m going to school, not working – dirty pool! Took it back later. If Mom & Dad weren’t paying for school HOW would I justify it to myself?
He says that makes him feel like shit – i.e he wishes I was POORER. I said he really needs to settle something with Lois about the rent – nothing’s formalized. If the plan is free-lancing and risk, she’s an investor in his future. God, to have $8,000 a year of my own it seems so MINGY. Why can’t I bring that in from writing? Why do I always end up in these trackless wastes?
10:15 AM Fri Dec 26 – 80 Excellent Christmas. Part of what made it so good was limited time with everyone except Lois! Wednesday spent one hour with Brintons, one hour with Lois! Then a long scary ride home with a blowout – but it didn’t happen on the ice and Toss was able to change it in record time.
Yesterday at Brandywine with Lois 3:30-7:30 then again 10-11:30. (A bit much.) Intervening time helping Granma in Haverford put up tree & exchange gifts. T was a perfect love, a divine angel. Much cleaning of the house now to get ready for Avril.
12:45 AM 30 Dec 80 – Tuesday Shouldn’t be joyous about my vacation’s end but I am eager for 81!
Read Mary Hoxie Jones’ Mosaic of the Sun with a curled lip. Reminds me of Eliz Gray Vining – holier than thou. I think Christians should be spiritually barefoot – ready to shed baggage – test the rope themselves instead of whining about Unwashed Youths and Angry Blacks. Such authorities on other people’s “place”!
Turned to Wm Pitt Root’s The Storm – excellent, a born poet but heavy going – reading him too fast would give you the bends.
Now into Emily Dickinson thank GOD. What a joy. You can read her at any pace you choose – she’s available at every level. Her organization is so original, wouldn’t translate at all. What did V. Woolf think? Should have liked & claimed her.
This burst is result of trying to prepare definitive vol of my own stuff. Sickened by my publications – 25 in 5 years!
New Year’s Eve 1980 Tonight incomplete without “last entry.” Last time I tried to write T pulled me away and made love to me.
This holiday would be unalloyed happiness if it weren’t for the night of the 26th when I drank too much Jack Daniels and threw up. Stupid. Thought I was past that! Kept Avril & T from going to the film we’d planned. But we’ll see it tonight. Somehow makes it less shameful. Glorious private evening – Convict’s Last Meal of roast beef, potatoes au gratin, chestnuts, peas, salad, champagne, coconut custard pie.
2nd bottle champagne after film if we have stamina.
1 Jan 81 Resolution; keep better track of my life in this diary but wish I had a better life to keep track of. Particularly grim holidays while Lois repeatedly attacked Ricardo in front of everyone – people afraid to intervene because she’ll attack THEM (my ideas were called “foolish” and “romantic.”) I tried teasing her by accusing her of “escort beating” while Ricardo murmurs from the corner of the room “I forgive her – She’s been so hurt.”
Guess what? Lois has no sense of humor. This is my landlady. She wants to rent the Little House at highest dollar – since that’s where our washer/dryer is we need a washer/dryer here.
No. Just no.
She’s a weird one. When I suggested taking down a mirror so blotchy you can’t see yourself in it (it needs to be resilvered) she burst into tears and Toss attacked ME. She said she was willing however to rebind the first editions – I had to point out that destroys their value!
So there’s nothing I can say. My job is to clean (and then be criticized for it.) Toss has taken over cleaning the silver because I can’t be bothered to do it “properly”.
To NYC for preview of Frankenstein – awful – we missed dinner because our train stalled in snow. Playwright overly wedded to novel – death after ludicrous death – not even rescued by special effects. Off to empty little bar Vintages for late supper ruined by Seth who teases Toss mercilessly. It’s the apparent goal of this family to get a scapegoat and ride them to death. Starting to see why Sutton got the hell out – who would stick around for this abuse?
Ricardo, it seems. And Lois doesn’t respect him one bit for it.
Boring New Year’s Eve party in Merion – I had high hopes (they were all psychiatrists) but all they talked about was heating bills.
Got rid of Seth & Susie 4 pm – pizza and wine dinner – delicious lovemaking. Read The Poet – most poems shockingly bad – but there was one poet I liked – Katherine Hanley – so I wrote her a fan letter.
On the good side: almost finished Pinch of Death. T. is my soul – so good & calm & not provoked at all by Seth who raged against Lois. Ugh. Exams next week.
Bored to shriek point by Trent’s Last Case.
2 Jan 81 One final entry waiting for Sue & Seth to come so we can all catch the 4:25 to NYC.Thinking about male violence. Interesting that Toss doesn’t “realize” he threatens me physically. He says I must know he’d never hit me but when he’s angry he breaks things or grabs me by the throat. I point out I don’t do that! But most men regard women’s statement that they are continuously reminded of the threat of male violence as feminist cant!
4 Jan 81 Weather so cold it’s hard to breathe. Toss’s Reed roommate to dinner – watched Murder Once Removed over chestnuts roasted in the hibachi & 2 bots white wine. Struggling with Life & Letters of John Galsworthy.
5 Jan 81 To Princeton to do laundry. Bought life of Dorothy Kilgallen and have been glued to it all day. Wretched woman. Hypnotic erosion of all her values.
Toss confides out checking acct is down to $200. Complete refusal to dislodge capital. Fortunately, I’m expecting $120 this week. NJ Bar prep starts 12th – not soon enough for me.
6 Jan 81 Taught my class for the last time. I hate review – it’s hell. Sweating so hard I was afraid to lift my arms. Maria asked good questions – James said he didn’t know anything about writing before – now he does.
Had to rush to the Whitney to meet Toss & Sutton. Met Sutton’s new flame, widow Pansy Burke – seems nice. She does drop a lot of names.
Sutton dislikes Hopper. Weird! I feel it’s because Hopper is not romantic enough for him. We had an uproarious dinner at The Palms – nothing “mignon” about my filet – it weighed at least 11 lbs. Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t eat it. Then brandy at brother Dom’s.
Get into Princeton 3 AM and our car won’t start. Wrecker (“Mother’s Recovery”) comes at 3:45. Sleep till 1 PM then have to rush to catch the 3:05. Did a good story in Writer’s class. I am despised for my “upbeat ending” – feel mistaken for Aurelia Plath: “Keep a song in your heart.” Professor says there are NO happy endings in Great Literature? I say what about Shakespeare’s comedies. He says comedy is not drama by definition. I say what about Jane Austen? His face tells me what he thinks of HER.
On the train home I reflect on the mysteries of talent. At least 4 in class VERY talented – what will become of us? Possibly: nothing.
I have an idea for a feminist lit mag when I get home; tell T. If we want to BE published we must publish others. My title is “The Feathered Violin” his is “The Burning Bush.” Ha ha.
8 JAN 81 I wake up early to study – making love luxuriously with T when he says “Could you tolerate coitus interruptus for once? I have to call my broker.”
I rush into class 20 mins late to administer my own exam. Kids not punished for that – what they ARE punished for is me being their teacher – graded by the one supervisor who dislikes me. She flunks all my doubtfuls and Maria who should have gotten through. Requesting retest for Maria.
Long argument over dinner about language requirements in schools. Toss says I am “hostile” to his ideas. I say women are supposed to empathize & sympathize and HE doesn’t do that to MY ideas so why not say what I really think? This evolves into criticism that I expect him to pay for my education. Why don’t I take out student loans. He can’t borrow on margin for me. I say I’m paying with family money (Capital!) feeling he really wants me to see that I’m not actually “making” money (incontestable.) Now he is rattling dishes angrily downstairs – his turn to wash them.
13 JAN 81 Off to Phila where T will request variance so he can have law office in his mother’s house. Says this will make him feel better and I am all for it.
Lois shows off a property she is longing to develop into an Italianate palace for herself. Warns me to SAY NOTHING about it – she is always worried people are gossiping about her. Came home to crisis – frozen water pipe dumps water into living room. T takes a steak knife to the hall ceiling to see where the backup is and finds it.
Afraid my class is right and my novel is hopeless and can never be shown to anyone: I wrote it “too fast” for it to be any good. 7 yrs bad, 3 months worse. Depression.
2 Oct 80 Not pregnant, alas. Period came two weeks late but it came. Hard to keep up with this level of disappointment. BA crisis solved – I can keep teaching as long as I’m WORKING toward BA which is all right with me. Investigating Fordham discover they have a “Math for Poets” class that gets me out of their science requirement! That’s the school for me! Been having good meetings with students lately – finally getting through to some of them. If they pass the essay they can stay in the school – they’re on trial, just like me.
5 Oct 80 – Lois upset with me because I want to sell the piano – I even found a buyer. We could really use the space. But she says she doesn’t want to sell – it’s a boring unspecial upright piano. But a reminder whose house this is. She also told me not to get pregnant before we have health insurance! I smiled and said it seemed my body IS waiting! Did not enjoy the evening so overdrank. Not too badly – just enough to be annoyed at myself.
Finished Marge Bacons’ Lucretia Mott. A charmed, serene life. More laundry, more writing.
6 Oct 80 – A good day – much accomplished. Ordered the most beautiful stationery in Princeton – had to pay extra for colored ink but it’s worth it.
Asked Toss over after-dinner cigars if he thinks this house will ever be his. He said he thought it was an excellent chance. After all, a farmer farms the land and the whole place desperately needs updating which his mother doesn’t want to pay for. I rhapsodized about adding a stone tower like the Brandywine Museum – he said we’re more likely to be cooking over a sterno pot in a field! Not very confident of his chances for passing the bar apparently! He needs a job because he’s driving me crazy.
He spent the afternoon rewiring the garage so it can be lit from the house. Anything rather than basic housework which he considers low on thrills. He doesn’t seem to understand how insulting that is to me! However, he’s fine with hiring a cleaning lady which I’ll do the minute I can afford it. Read Love & Work: The Crucial Balance. Distinguishes between “love” oriented people who want to love their work and task oriented people.
Wed 8 Oct 80 – All my emotional eggs are in one basket! Overwhelmed with love for Toss – don’t want anybody else. People come – and then they go – and I’m overjoyed to see the back of them. I’m not sure I even need friends. Disgusted by the world weariness of PD James’ Black Tower. I’ve given up on her. Pity. Everyone else likes her.
Sat 10 Oct 80 – StormFall Farm Absolutely exhausted. Next time Toss suggests coming here I’ll have to tell him my idea of rest & recuperation isn’t cleaning a 7 bedroom mansion! Toss is frenzied about the place. When I asked him who put him in charge he admits he just took over. He lashes himself constantly with imaginary humiliating words he assumes “everyone” is saying. Right now he’s yelling downstairs – some kind of breakthrough with the water system. I’m so tired I could just fall over.
5:30 PM – Thurs 15 Oct – 80 Can still be thrown by a bad day. Got so absorbed counseling a student I was 15 mins late to class – now I’m hiding in the library calming myself down with Mary Daly’s Beyond God the Father. Very interesting but kind of naive. Don’t reject airplanes because you hate bombers! How would most men score on the Sermon on the Mount test? But I certainly understand the hopelessness of “institutionalizing” emotionality. Supernature gets us off the gerbil wheel. Too much gerbilling here. Don’t see how I can handle more than a year of this place.
At least T & I see eye to eye about the housework. I got him to see everyone wants to do “executive” functions, no one wants to do grunt work so we have to share that out. An hour a day would be plenty!
Fri 17 Oct 80 – On the train Just finished May Sinclair’s 3 Sisters. Fascinating & beautiful feminist plot. Can’t think why she’s so forgotten – probably because she didn’t make a fuss of herself.
Managed to forget a teacher’s meeting this AM – another sign I’m trying to fit the round peg of my life into that square hole.
20 Oct 80 Staying home with an awful cold finishing Prelude so I can write my Wordsworth paper. Type tomorrow AM.
Difficult weekend with friends. Don’t know how to handle Toss’s anger in front of other people. Friday night was his night to cook – he made a wonderful boeuf bourguignon. But on my night (Sat) he was so interfering I just let him do it. He’s moved everything around in the kitchen so I can’t find anything – embarrassing.
He seems to be reproducing his mother’s ploys and tensions. Wish he had a little more of his laid-back father in him!
Read Jean Rhys’ Quartet and Smile, Please. What a writer! Such purity! I am really envious. Don’t agree she’s beyond self-pity however – the books pulsate with it. What a pity respect & love aren’t joined in the male as they are in the female.
Now reading Janeway’s Powers of the Weak. There’s a chapter missing! Interpersonal power politics between husband and wife!
Avril called tonight to say she got the Maine job – (domestic abuse shelter) $11,000 the first year! Bravo! Avril wants to open a bar in Hallowell called “So’s The Governor’s Sister.” Funny.
22 Oct 80 – Train Creature from the Black Lagoon discussed in Eng class. I was too stupid to contribute. Brent criticized my story Travel Fever – bad ending – (fair enough) but he also said he was surprised at the cruelty in the family! (Katrina the scapegoat.) This from a man who admires Flannery O’Connor. Better off working on novel and NOT short stories. Don’t think I have the art.
26 Oct 80 Horrible fight with Toss began with my criticism of his old newspaper and rusty tobacco tin collections – do we really have to save all this moldering junk? He blames me for the “bad move” from KY in which he lost so much stuff. But I moved, too. (TWICE.)
He also had the nerve to say we “live like slobs” when he was supposed to clean the living room 2 days ago. (He’s doing it now.)
6:30 PM – He came upstairs and apologized – very sweetly. Lovingly, courageously and open-heartedly. So we did go for walk – gathering branches & berries to decorate house. Saw a beautiful dead bird with a black ruff around its neck – feathers green and black. Blissfully happy reading Rose Macaulay’s Letters. News that Commonweal will publish my poem Life of the Virgin!
30 Oct 80 Very interesting discussion with Toss – he cooked a fabulous leg of lamb (but still refuses to vacuum.) He said Henriette Wyeth not worth the ink she’s getting for her show – I said art is really lacking in feminine emotion (Rothko Pollock & de Kooning masculinity reduction ad absurdum) and a woman painter raised in a family of male painters is a “test” case. What’s the missing element? Supernaturalism! Since we borrow our bodies from earth our souls are our only true individuality.
Familiar feeling of depression. More wedding invitations – Granma’s list and Sutton’s list. Poor Sutton – I feel so sorry for him even though he jokes about missing Val: “I got rid of the last gardener I had.”
The only bad night was engagement party – Mom and Dad chose a reel of slides and I sat there stunned at the genesis of all my stories. Ocean, lake, dolls’ cottages – happy healthy smiling people – whence comes all this pain? Dad looks at pictures of the Gryphon tooling through Europe and says, “I’d do it all again.” Would he? I wouldn’t! That pain comes from somewhere deep, deep inside me. Makes me feel like they’ve been right all along – there’s something wrong with ME. Luckily Toss backs me up – he says he “feels 13 years old” around them. Fortunately, I had one “flying high” day on Shadowe Island – with Gretchen Fuchs, the poet. Oh, her library! We soared together in a conversational ecstasy. I saw us deep in the future, two old ladies in an English garden. Talking forever. Lovely woman.
Champagne & steamers with Sutton – then home.
Grover’s Mill – 10 Aug 80 Unpleasant shock in the mail today – Guilders demanding transcripts. Naïve me – I thought only the writing sample mattered for the writing program! Wait till they cock a snook at my record! Will I be exposed as an unqualified adventuress? Would it be so bad if they withdrew their offer? Then I could go someplace else – Marymount maybe. How I loooooong to be pregnant!
StormFall – Tues 19 Aug 80 My last entry? I absent myself from family discussions saying I’ll go to bed to read – really want to write here. Just taken my last Birth Control pill maybe EVER – only 13 pills into the packet. Feeling amorphous. Borderless. The aspirations of adolescence fading. What were the aspirations of adolescence? I can barely remember. To be admired, chiefly. By “others”. And now I’ve ditched the “others” and I’m alone on a vast plain – trying to steady a tipping world. Listening.
Are inner imperatives enough for a whole self? What about love? But love is a term like “weather” – describes infinite mutability.
Need to finish the goddam wedding maps & directions & walk them to the Post Office.
2:15 PM – Thurs 21 Aug 80 Period started! Shouldn’t be surprised – been having a brief period in the middle of my cycle since I started these damned pills – probably they’ve been making me sick. Thinking about the relationships between parents & children – how avoid the miseries? Poor Mom! She felt like a “loser”. Dangerous not believing in an “eternal force” because then all there is is YOU. To BLAME.
Poor Mom! Preferred to housekeep alone – but wanted us to “help” when she wasn’t there – but do it “her way.” Fated to eternal disappointment!
Wedding programs – copy the service in a book for T’s friend Bracket – the gay Baptist preacher – to use.
Weirdly dark cold day. Shakespeare play at Edith Wharton’s tonight is open air – I just hope it doesn’t rain!
Toss’s out driving around with Cousin Wolf in the ancient Chevy they resurrected. Studying the Marymount catalogue and reading Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet – hadn’t realized he was so young when he wrote them! Should be called Letters FROM a Young Poet! May have to switch to Agatha Christie – she’s the sugar taken for “shock”.
Grover’s Mill – 7 Sept 80
A week since our wedding so this must be our honeymoon. I feel perfectly balance on a tightrope – drinking vodka & lime while studying Woolf’sBooks & Portraits, Sayers’ Mind of the Maker. Toss struggling with his additions to our thank you notes. Tomorrow off to Guilders College for a “teachers organizational meeting” so they must be sufficiently desperate if they don’t mind my lack of a degree. Should be interesting.
Chaotic summer swallowed up by the wedding – ended up costing $7000 total. Facing winter with confidence – pregnant in 2 months! If Guilders doesn’t work out enroll in Marymount get my degree one class at a time.
Last night we had bridesmaid Trish Lambert to dinner – husband Noah coming to lunch today – their marriage breaking up so we try to counsel. Looks hopeless – Noah chooses his pride over Trish every time – she says she’s not going back to a situation where she was made so physically ill. What was she allergic to all the doctors wanted to know? Turned out to be him. Try to write here more regularly. These pages are a bank account. Save, save save.
Mon Sept 8 – 80 – Train from NYC – 4 pm What I thought would be a “teachers meeting” turns into a disgusting “registration” process – running from one building to another, paying fees, filling out forms – I am seriously allergic to bureaucracy and the tears are starting to leak. Feel like a person wearing an ill-fitting disguise. However, I believe I carried it off. Just act like you’re entitled and no one questions you. I just don’t want to live in this world. I doubt poor Toss caught in the maw of Beginning Law can provide much sympathy. He is dotting I’s and crossing t’s with a vengeance.
Financial pressures create time pressures. Try to look for the meaning in all this.
2:30 AM Sept 9 – Worry and 2 double whiskies wake me at one and I can’t get back to sleep. Tried bath & reading, nada. Toss has been magnificent. I was able to present my worries without sounding like an idiot and he was able to identify with them without being dismissive. He says his uncle Avery gives Masters to people without BAs in Environmental Studies all the time. I say I really don’t need the degree it’s the experience I want and anyway I blame Plumly. And Chevenix. They ruined me for “degrees”. He always says Plumly was “not so bad” – and of course he loved Reed but they wouldn’t even let him SEE his grades! (They show everyone else!) and he needed an extra year – but he seems to accept my Kafkaesque emotions.
Sat 20 Sept 80 – Fortunately our weekend guest (Toss’s Reed roommate) not here yet. Cleaned & garnished house for 4 solid hours. Went shopping bought 14 meals for $60 – Toss went to Trenton then discovered he didn’t need to go. (Getting out of housework? Hmmm.)
He put a bookcase together and filled it with books (which helped) now he’s making peach butter. What’s preventing me from pointing out to him that him doing all the work he LIKES and me doing all the work BOTH OF US DISLIKE is not a fair division of labor? Cowardice.
Then there’s the problem that this is his grandparents place filled with his grandparents furniture and he doesn’t want anything “changed.” My only satisfaction if making my study a feminine as possible (painting my file cabinets yellow.)
Reading Krumm’s Why I am an Episcopalian (he’s pro women’s ministry) and Hans Kung’s Signposts for the Future and struggling with what God I believe in. Not a subject for dinner party conversation. He will watch Presidential debate and I can opt out of that.
22 Sept 80 Lie in bed satisfied our entertaining’s over. It’s a “test” of our relationship to be around third parties. T always more critical of me in his anxiety that things go well – I am dreamy & slapdash by nature. Ended up watching the debate after all – much more fiery and vituperative than I expected – John Andersen an old-time preacher and Reagan sweetly vague and never finishing his sentences.
24 Sept 80 –Waiting to counsel Rose Love (!) but looks like she isn’t going to show. Lots of them don’t. I’m not the only one having trouble with this system. Horrors! I was “observed” in class – a teacher sneaking in while I was trying to teach probationary “backward” students (I.e. unprepared) how to write an essay and feel I made an idiot of myself. I sweat & tremble – am I only “a pack of cards” or are THEY only “a pack of cards!” Basic feeling of inadequacy – these kids deserve better than me! How did I ever think I could DO this!
Well if Rose isn’t showing up I can read Sackville-West’s magnificent Eagle & Dove.
Very depressing meeting with advisor Ezra Brent about my novel – asked how long I’d been working on it – I said 7 years and he was HORRIFIED. WAY too long for a project so short! But I am evolving as it’s evolving I splutter. Better write about your childhood instead, he counsels. Of course, I can’t do that! Blah! Resolve to write a novel specially for his class – chapter a week. What interests me? Murder & nuns at present. Do I know anything about those? I admit I don’t but need to follow this trail. His obvious expression of disbelief is all the goad I need. Call it “Pinch of Death” from Shakespeare – a quote long in search of a tale to headline.
Train to NY 1 Oct 80 Class observer gave me a rave review! Made 4,000 copies because frankly, no one would believe it. I don’t believe it myself. Good meetings with students. Asked Brent what to do about lack of a BA – he said Do nothing yet. You are a “promising” student. I still feel uncomfortable – don’t even feel like a STUDENT. Feel bolstered up. Unfortunately, no one in fiction class likes my novel – they all think I’m “anti-modern”. I don’t like theirs either. I fire back by advising they read Krafft-Ebing – no “modernity” without him. I should have taken Carberry’s modern poetry – enjoying romantic poetry VERY much.
Fellow student Charlene Clark is teacher at a Catholic college (working on her SECOND masters) and can give me lots of advice about nuns.
I got a letter saying I am a member of the faculty so I get a 10% discount at the bookstore!!! They also have a very respectable library. Reading CS Lewis’s Letters to an American Lady. I CHERISHED his Letters to Malcolm. But 4 Loves very rough going. His anti-feminism somewhat mitigated by his late marriage. He was dragged into that the same way he was dragged into Christianity – kicking and screaming – “the sorriest convert you ever saw.” Interested in his “shameful” relationship with Mrs. Moore. Krafft-Ebing anyone?
Experimenting with prayer but it feels very unnatural. I like the mystic’s stillness – make yourself empty and “fill up.” Any kind of “intellectual direction” feels wrong.
Alysse Aallyn 