Alysse Aallyn

Category: Dance

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        Fri 23 July 76 - Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland 
    R and I have seen each other every day since Fri –

    I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back.
    I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work
    and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex –
    first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect
    to be all right.
    Adore these slow working mornings. I get up
    with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now
    working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving
    at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar
    such a pleasure – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced
    on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready, feeling
    like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec.
    Yesterday we met our across the street neighbors –
    one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree
    in Hospital Administration. Among ourselves we call him
    “Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see
    them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be
    in heaven. Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to
    dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.

    Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 PM
    God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body –
    love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face. 
    Those blond Italians! He wouldn’t like to hear me say it –
    he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but
    he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon –
    he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t
    care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman  pleasure. 
    We fit together exactly – interlocking puzzle pieces even
    upside down. I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees
    with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a
    hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm
    was so great I wept.  I fell asleep with him inside me.  Wrote
    a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him. If I
    learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent.
    He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want
    to buy a bookcase.
    Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could
    he possibly love me as much as I love him?  Yesterday walking
    in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one
    serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to
    limit the experience. Which of course was exactly the right answer.
    The worst part is his trouble with my job.
    He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because
    he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers
    World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine,
    all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he
    can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as
    I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour,
    before my set.

    11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76
    Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken
    up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more.
    Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays,  Carmen
    checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect.
    We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his
    right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long
    purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the
    supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license
    in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going
    to see to it. I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much
    as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.

    9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
        Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of

    my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 –
    left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears.
    He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign
    language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made
    him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no
    later than Weds.
    Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of
    the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected
    the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish
    amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house
    (though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight)
    I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall.
    Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied
    till I just can’t boogie no more.


    Club Shalimar– 30 July 76
    Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two
    roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is
    a lot younger.
    We had glorious talks on our way there and back –
    about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone);
    our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that
    again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around)
    first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned!
    Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he
    can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise.
    I guess I could say the same about him. 
    Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and
    came.  He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and
    his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me
    that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t
    understand it when they married, assuming it was something you
    get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child –
    he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually
    just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective
    concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in
    my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely
    mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount
    it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the
    “perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred.
    2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then
    I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his
    car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time
    to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door.
    We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake
    eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem:
    Love, the Magician.

    The Magician is a Capricorn
    Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples
    Pale like mine but
    Maler.
    Illusion, he says is memory
    Of things that should have been.
    Doves and rabbits he entices
    From sacred groves between my legs
    Placed by ruse, and freed by art.
    When he dies, passion turns his eyes
    To quarters.
    He hears the world but faintly
    Through his one good ear.
    The other turns to me,
    Safecracker’s daughter.
    Trust the magician, voices tell me
    He knows when to drop the dice.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
    We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room

    but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my
    time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from
    his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been
    together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on
    the go, but very entertaining He usually brings me gifts –
    flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a
    diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses.
    Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date.
    Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity…
    and love. It’s a problem!
    The oilman came to the house today says he’s
    shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay
    COD! Fortunately I had just got off work and I had the cash
    on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need
    much oil till winter. Let’s hope.
    Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he
    gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she
    expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do
    that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said,
    I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till
    it hurt and he begged for mercy. Poor Avril had a long hard
    day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at
    Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s
    and it’s a deal.

        10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
    Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St

    bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting
    starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman
    – if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave.
    9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room
    eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The
    Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona,
    Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time
    films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos.
    Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some-
    time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I
    didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat
    from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…”
    have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then
    suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.

        Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar 
    7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up

    here so I was already exhausted. I hate packing. Getting to
    be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His
    expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I
    thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay
    here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize”
    me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after
    talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits
    with his wife!
    He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more
    money – that’s how they get ahead in his business –
    jump from station to station. I told him he should take it –
    turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped
    I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world.
    I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says,
    why are you doing this? I said, to meet you.
    Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and
    funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility.
    4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from
    Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I
    haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week.
    Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall. Today
    marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.

        Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar
    A & I hung living room paintings today, and last piece

    was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his
    name mean anything to me in twenty years?  Brought blow dryer,
    change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back
    into shape after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy
    (bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender).
    A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm
    and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with
    dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing
    them move about with candles. What does the future hold?
    I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there.
    Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of charm.

        17 July 76
    Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have

    to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper
    named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried
    a whip onstage – everything but a donkey, as one of the other
    dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on
    how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn.
    But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He
    ordered in Italian.  The weirdest thing about him is that he
    doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank
    for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles –
    he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it.
    We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful –
    A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of
    wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry
    I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right.
    He liked valentine the best – 


    Valentine
    I sent myself in a letter
    Heart-creased
    Like a glove
    Too much folded
    An anecdote
    Too much told
    Dear stranger don’t
    Lose me
    I forgot the rule
    (Hold back a copy)
     
    Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously
    passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the
    first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place
    but I hope it’s inevitable.”
    I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have
    to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the
    top of my dress either.  He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to
    really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment
    after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing
    tomorrow, then on a four day cruise sometime in August.

  • Correction!

    Diary of a Dancer

        Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
    Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating

    our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first
    then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach.
    Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on
    the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one
    building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I
    need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my
    novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again
    so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless
    dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going
    to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make
    herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off
    than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I
    wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy
    jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of
    this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and
    wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a
    thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts,
    hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside.
    Isn’t life rotten?

        10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
    Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed

    bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No
    more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and
    each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.
    She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s
    dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE
    SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
    DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow.
    Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have
    to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt
    lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else
    to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad
    says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too
    “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and
    pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had
    two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading
    Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what
    a painful ugly duckling story!

        Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
    Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews

    AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the
    money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to
    dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and
    that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up
    close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after
    rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at
    Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.

        11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
    No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man

    Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of
    attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at
    the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering
    at the young desk when this young man with dark curly
    hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and
    what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus
    military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband
    around his head and was all set for running but his plans
    changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead.
    His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to
    the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time –
    playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.
    I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he
    represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage
    of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful.
    We shall see.
    Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island
    and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank.
    Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right.
    Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.
    I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings
    to help me with my ghost stories.

        2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
    Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided

    to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death,
    Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well
    at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.

        Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
    Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered

    me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money
    dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a
    car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think
    I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what
    the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed
    to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
    Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle –
    2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without
    my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in
    Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they
    are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.

        Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
    Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have

    dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up,
    but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon –
    boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for
    Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not
    “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.
    Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.
    He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously
    very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate
    for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril
    makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”
    But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
    Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.
    She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else.
    Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in
    the family begging us to intervene.

        2 PM – 9 June 76
    Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.

    Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.
    Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They
    brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I
    took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi
    driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t
    charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him
    a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers
    like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.
    Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.
    Tempted to risk it.


    11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda
    Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an
    interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed
    me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through
    in their whites. They are very polite.

        Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
    Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the

    other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.
    It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.
    I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just
    completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing
    in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks
    crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m
    pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the
    weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”
    She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
    On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really
    good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like –
    which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You
    can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my
    ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
    Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel!
    Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized
    so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.

    Avril friend a complete bozo but

    places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and
    lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver.
    DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her
    money too small, gas costs, etc.
    A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase
    on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty
    about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can
    have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina
    Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t
    read fiction any more.

        Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
    Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me:

    “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot
    of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously
    – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need
    mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster.
    I got 2 standing ovations today.
    The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting
    into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with
    the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the
    headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as
    I learn the ins and outs.
    Avril loves her new job – thank God – they
    want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin)
    and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.
    She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window
    and tell me what you see.”
    Met the most charming little man – a TV director
    at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician
    and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre.
    His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts
    my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading
    Meyer’s Ibsen.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

    Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
    Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.

    Fri. 16 April 1976 - 2 PM – 	Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces.  Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how.  I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot?  No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
		Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School. 
	
		Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
		Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies.  The grapenuts went first then the soup.  Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park.  You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world.  I need a job by next Mon.  Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time.  I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there?  Nude modeling sounds dangerous.  Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom!  Uh oh.  She says she just can’t “make herself” do things.  What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer.  He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone!  I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment.  But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes.  Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?

		10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
		Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.  She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer!  (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL  in Minnesota!) 
		DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th.  Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!  
	
		Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
		Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to.  Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
	
		11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
		No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash.  He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.  I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation?  At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see.
		Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend.  I have $266 in the bank.  Should I take him up on it?  Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.  I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.

		2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
		Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library.  So glorious having money. 	
			
		Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
		Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is.  It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience.  There is a stage.
		Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs.  Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale.  I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look.  Avril has a new man – Jack.
		
		Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
		Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.)   Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend.  He is playing in a tournament and not “available”.  Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.  Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.   He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed –  he was actually panting!  Now he’ll have to meditate for a week.  I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”  But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
	 	Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.   She has filed for divorce and  fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
		
		2 PM – 9 June 76
		Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.  Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.  Avril & roommate took against each other immediately.  They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me.  Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.  Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.  Tempted to risk it.
		11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home.  She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio.  Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
	
		Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
		Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.  It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.  I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless  in their hands.  Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected.  Now my face looks crooked.  Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant.  Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”  She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
		On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
		Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic!  Reading The Royal Victorians.  Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.

		Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
		A’s friend a complete bozo.  Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him.  Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc.
		A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK.   Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5.  Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl.  She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.

	
		Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
		Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on.  A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection.  I need mysticism.  The owner seems to be something of a gangster.  I got 2 standing ovations today. 	
		The job is actually enjoyable.  I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience.  They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs.
		Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.  She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.”
		Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.