Do You Fear Sleep? Afraid of nightmares? Do you wake up gasping and trying to forget what you’ve just experienced?
Nightmares mean you’re paying attention. Life is scary, but we need to grow, and growth requires we learn to cultivate risk if we are ever to expand and venture outside our comfort zone.
Challenge – Study risk intelligently. No point being afraid of dragons if dragons are only symbolic. No point being “afraid” of “foreigners” if the man telling us to be afraid has a reputation for befriending people and then fleecing them.
Evaluatng Risk :
Don’t rely on rumor and innuendo
Dangers provably Real
Dangers Historically verified by data: “How likely is injury?”
Assemble Risk avoidance strategies that have performed well for others in your situation.
What exactly is your situation? Quantify.
Know who your friends are
Be prepared to alter strategy to maximize success and to learn from mistakes
Opportunity – You get to find out who your friends are. Friends want the best for you, but the relationship must be reciprocal. You have each other’s backs. Know the difference between a Team and a Gang. Gangs work to suck power from individual members and concentrate it in one individual. Teams work for the success of all. Coach can’t win if the team doesn’t win.
Surrender is The Worst Alternative – Be alert to the danger of trauma bonding in which we try to pacify attackers by taking their side. Doesn’t work.
Models & Mentors – “Extreme Fear can neither fight nor fly.” – William Shakespeare
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear”
– Mark Twain
“If you try to get rid of fear and anger without knowing their meaning, they will return stronger” – Deepak Chopra
“We’re more often frightened than hurt, and we suffer more from imagination than reality.” – Seneca
Meditation –
Haiku: Risk
Regret Fear of Fearlessness: Launch Wise adventures
DO YOU DREAM OF MAGIC? Magical people, animals, happenings? It is the purview of dreams to manifest supernatural happenings. The Goddess represents the power – the force – to get things doneand to bend unfriendly circumstances to your desire and will. If dreams are wishes, this is understandable, because isn’t that what we all want – a little magic?
BEHIND THE WISH, LIES THE FEAR – Do we long to be the 8-ball, to control the 8-ball or to be under the 8-ball? Don’t we fear all these at the same time?
RECOGNIZE YOUR POWER – You are iconic. The Goddess suggests your yearning to discover theinherent magic that is especially, irreplaceably You. You have a power no one else has, incorporated inyour being, your possibilities, your desires and your memories. This takes a lifetime to accept becausewe all fantasize being Someone Else and experiencing existence through the armor of Having only an Outside instead of just the very vulnerable Inside in which we all feel imprisoned. Your dreams bring allthese passions together as psychic poetry, elucidating what you think you want, what you hope you wantand what you are afraid you want. The ultimate magic is to seize conscious control of this potent powersource. Invite the Dream.
CHALLENGE OF THE DREAM – The challenge is to truly connect with others, reveal our worldInside, and avoid blasting their apparently impenetrable Outside with our terror, our longing and ourfear.
DREAM DANGERS– We must never take hostages and we must never become a hostage. Freedom is afine line to walk. If we wish to reach out, we must treat others with respect and claim like respect forourselves. Accept your dreams as “experiments”; do not fear them but learn to look at them, impartially, as messages from the Other World. Allow them to take you where you need to go.
DREAM OPPORTUNITIES–There will be stumbles and terrors aplenty, also successes that LOOKlike stumbles and terrors, but which we only realize on reflection were real leaps forward. This is whywe must carefully assess our daily efforts without being harsh with ourselves. You are your own MostBeloved Child. Speak gently to yourself as you would to a most treasured child.. It is not selfish tocommit to this belief, it is simply placing the oxygen mask over your own face FIRST so that you canadminister this life-saving force to others. Find someone with whom you can share your dream journey,without fear or judgment. This connection will teach us everything we need to know about how toconnect with others. Explore Models and Mentors – this is how we learn.
“I awoke to find the rest of the world still asleep” – Leonardo Da Vinci
“Marvelous the dream and great the terror: we must treasure the dream no matter the terror.” – Anonymous, The Epic of Gilgamesh
ARE YOU LOST? Do you dream of nature, forests, trees, overgrowth? As you you’re your eyes and fall into the moss, does the forest speak to you, become your friend?
DEFEATING NIGHTMARES – In your terror, the forest is a hostile place, determined to punish you for invading its magnificence. Fear is a reaction, but courage is a choice. Speak to the forest, apologize for the cruelties of the past, and promise to listen to its song in future.
JOURNALING – You need to find yourself. Your own map is the only way through. These dreamspulse with an energy that is gathering within you as you ready yourself for some great task.
YOUAREAPOWER– You struggle to find your force. You feel the power and strength of undefinedwishes and the longing to create your place in the world. No guide exists to this wilderness, you willhave to map this forest yourself. Be brave.
CHALLENGE–There are plenty of traps ahead. Do not become discouraged. Accept that the flow ofenergy pulses with your every heartbeat, with your sleep/rest cycle, with the obligations you willinglyseek to smooth your path.
DANGERS – Some of these obligations become too heavy, others seek to deter you from your setcourse. Still others offer false maps that seem to promise the ease of “I don’t have to do this alone.” Weare all alone inside our heads and you – and only you – must be satisfied with the map you create. If youaren’t there’s no fellowship or wealth that can compensate you for that loss. When the forest loves you, you must love it back.
OPPORTUNITIES–We revel in and with our fellow travelers. There could be a soulmate among them– for a time or for a life. Accept the wisdom of others, the wisdom of the path, consult other maps indesigning your own. Be prepared to alter your map – joyously – with each new and fresh discovery. There will be many. Open your Dream Journal. Close your eyes. And draw your future. Salut!
Do Goddesses Have Paperwork? – Plenty! – The path of an evolved, enlightened being is littered with maps – theoretical, hypothetical and under construction.
Goddesses Dream of a Better World – Do you dream of paths diverging in a yellow wood? Checklists? Maps? Are you talking to yourself as you follow your routine? What IS your routine? How has your routine evolved? What efforts have you made to change it to newly perceived needs and discoveries? Or is your routine formed outside you, for the benefit of others?
Goddess Dream of a Responsive Universe. If you talking to yourself throughout your routine that self-talk needs to be positive. Goddesses are accustomed to being alone during peak experiences. They must record these for history because as Virginia Woolf reminded us, nothing has happened until it has been written down. Become an encouraging coach. Don’t hold yourself hostage or nobody can complete the steps.
If You Have No Goal, Any Path Will Take You There – But you won’t like where you end up.
Goddesses are Goal-oriented. As you become more adept at change, you realize that dividing effort into “steps” to achieve a goal is critical. It won’t happen fast. Your conscious, subconscious, unconscious and collective unconscious (not to mention your pre-conscious!) are going to kick up a helluva fuss. But aligning these is the most interesting part! Change is guaranteed.
Goddesses Are Sore-Muscled Athletes – Day 2, thinking, I CAN’T DO THIS. Guess what? EVERYBODY THINKS THAT! Expect it! You treat yourself with loving compassion and cold compresses, hot baths and massage. In other words, there is an established map, a way to GET THROUGH THIS. The challenge is to CUSTOMIZE your map.
Being is Movement. As we shape the Path, it shapes us. Even the most anti-social creatures are constantly making paths for others to follow. Such delight when we uncover a ready-made Path because path-making is exhausting! A ready-made path is a mysterious invitation. All paths lead Somewhere. Every Path, Visible or not, speaks of the existence of The Other.
Paths Speak of Destination, Intention, Design, History. Paths are our Robinson Crusoe footprint. They represent Hope: this Path worked not just once, but many times. We are proud of being Path-makers, Ice-piercers in our turn, Long-distance voyagers. We lead the weary, frightened traveler of the future toward confidence and reliability.
Goddesses Use Models. We need a constantly evolving pit crew of helpers. A side effect of routine remodeling is “crazy thinking.” We all need somebody to talk us off the ledge, somebody who is familiar with not just our goals but what we are going through. Your id is always scheming to hold you hostage, and you need an experienced hostage negotiator.
Waves of “Fear” Surfacing from your collective unconscious require symbolic release and expression in art, dance, love-making, sport or theatre.
Disowned Longings from Your Subconscious threaten your secure sense of self and may require therapeutic intervention.
Unconscious Drives from Depths no one’s ever plumbed can’t be faced without the courage of a Friend or Soulmate. So, don’t try making it through this crisis without a buddy AND a coach.
Halt! AA has a useful acronym – HALT – representing:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
These are the Emotion States of Bad Decision-making. So, when you see these conditions developing – Halt. Call your hostage negotiator immediately.
Models & Mentors – “Setting goals is the first step into turning the invisible into the visible” – Tony Robbins
“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not people or things”
– Albert Einstein
“A goal without a plan is just a wish” – Antoine St. Exupery
“Always remember your focus determines your reality” – George Lucas
Goddesses Plan Their Path. Time to re-calibrate your subconscious influences and bring them into mindfulness. What subconscious influences? You don’t “know” this pressure with your rational mind, but you can “feel” it down in your animal soul. Something is pressing on you, like gravity, the way the moon’s pressure rolls and presses on our tidal waters.
Goddesses Understand Their Secrets – You begin, like everyone, as a secret to yourself. Your subconscious has the answers. Yet she only reveals herself covertly. Time for some dream interpretation. Object dreams are fear dreams, people dreams are love dreams, motion dreams are future dreams. Don’t look for rigid accuracy – we seek connections, not edges, interpretations, not walls and blocks. The purpose of dreaming is to splinter blocks. If you are a writer, automatic writing reveals what you think about. Collect pictures that speak to you and collage them from insight. Try to name the figures.
Goddess Are in Tune with the Universe – The opposite of fear, remember, is attraction, the opposite of love is hate and the opposite of forward yearning for the future is stasis. Each life pulse contains its opposite. Goddesses must learn many languages, of which the most important are non-verbal. The sky, the moon, the stars, the animals, history, the past, the plants, the dead, the future – all are reaching out to you. Be unafraid to listen and interpret.
Goddess Are Aware of the Unseen – We are all under influences of forces we have never even heard of, yet the Goddess’s Quest is to own their Self and present it in its most beautiful incarnation, to God, as worthy of Immortality. To understand who we are at our core is to perfect our obligation of thriving and giving.
Goddess Danger – We seek to heighten, not damage, your self-will. Others in your life – relative, friends, advertisers, politicians – are trying to take control of you. Don’t let them. The way to stop that is to take control of your fears yourself, so that you will never be ruled by them. Always seek a way upward. The direction of the spiral must always be UP.
Some influences are demonic and purely destructive. We stand up to them, we name them, we reject them. We learn their weaknesses and their targets. If necessary, we will battle them.
Goddess Challenge – Recognize Health, in yourself and others. Promote growth in yourself and others. Goddesses may refuse to engage, but they never cut people down. Take time for retreat, to build yourself and your powers and to recognize and name where you have come from and what you have battled. Treasure your Goddess Journal, share it, learn to profit from the trainings and maps of others. Build partnerships. Work on your Gratitude Practice – this is a glorious universe the God/Goddess deigns to share with us; from Love alone.
Models & Mentors – “Moonlight drowns out all but the brightest stars” – J. R. R Tolkien
“Like the Moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine!”– Buddha
“Everyone is a Moon, and has a dark side he never shows to anybody”- Mark Twain
Can Goddesses afford to relax? Seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Well, Lesson #1 is that being a goddess is Counterintuitive. Other people rush away from the burning building – planning on being EVEN MORE SCARED the next time. Well, we are going to master our fear. We are going in.
Everybody Panics – I had a panic attack at age 5 (I got lost outside a movie theatre) and another at age 11 when I descended deep, deep, deep into a cave. (I think the guide was deliberately trying to scare us.) I didn’t know at the time what these episodes were – my parents and sisters saw them as embarrassing annoyances – but looking back it’s clear what was happening to me physically as a result of what was happening to me mentally.
Relaxation In the Face of Panic – Learning to tolerate psychic dissonance, to be interested in it and challenged by it is what we’re all about. It’s a sign that we’re in the presence of the Deep Stuff – the things that galvanize our deep subconscious and if we can just seize control of that, we’ll access our true power.
Learn Relaxation Techniques – There are so many and you should experiment with all of them! Learn what works for you and – key – what you enjoy. You will find yourselves using these techniques all the time. To get to sleep, to get through difficult experiences or just to access your subconscious when you have a question.
Breathe Deeply – The very first thing is mastering control of the breath. Pregnant women learn all kinds of helpful breathing techniques in Lamaze; panting, counting; deliberately slowing down and speeding up your breathing. In yoga you will learn Lion Breaths to make you feel powerful. They are very similar to the gasps and shouts in martial arts and will affect your opponents. Watch the Maori war dance on YouTube.
Get Out Your Training Journal – write down the techniques and your reactions. Appoint a time to practice these every day. Your breath connects you to the universe and all living things.
Models & Mentors: “The first thing to learn is the breath.” –Confucius
‘Breathe In. Let Go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure, and give thanks for that.”
– Oprah Winfrey
‘Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor” –
Alysse Aallyn is the author of four well-received thrillers, Find Courtney, Depraved Heart, Woman Into Wolf and I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead, one historical novel (Devlyn) and a book of short stories (Awake Till the End.) Her work has been translated into German and Italian. She has three published books of poetry – The Sacred Quiver, The Hot Skin, Haunted Wedding and The Five Wounds and edited another (The Feathered Violin.) She trained in theatre at Circle in the Square Theatre School and Martha Graham School of Dance. She appeared in the part of Isabella in Jean Giraudoux’s The Enchanted at the New Yorker Theatre. She has held writing fellowships at Brooklyn College and LaSalle University. Her novel Depraved Heart won a 2011 CT Press Club fiction award and her play Queen of Swords was a semi-finalist in the 2014 National Arts Council First Play award. She has been invited to read her original work at The Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, DC and has taught creative writing at Catonsville Community College. Woman Into Wolf was a semi-finalist for The National Playwrights Conference (2016) and her play Our Father’s Restaurant was performed on Pacifica Radio. She has also appeared as a crime commentator on ID – TV’s Blood Relatives. Her play, Let’s Speak Vietnamese was published in Dramatika Magazine. She directed The Maids and played the Mother in Jules Feiffer’s Little Murders for Theatre Upstairs. Other plays she’s written are The Honey & the Pang about Emily Dickinson’s posthumous career, Cuck’d – a modern Othello, and Caving, in which the theatre is transformed into a cave for a spelunking dare. Rough Sleep, (based on her novel I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead) was produced by Manhattan Repertory Theatre (W. 45th St) in 2019. Her latest play, The Dalingridge Horror, (short version Leonard & Virginia) explores the partnership between Leonard & Virginia Woolf in their own words and was a finalist for the Tennessee Williams 2021 award. Her newest poetry collection, Haunted Wedding appeared in 2022 from Thriller Library.
Her current work is The WarriorOracle – Becoming a Warrior on the path to enlightenment.
After the birth of my first child I bought a printing press – an adorable little toy that printed a 3×5 inch page and elegant “Egyptian” type. I wanted to print my own book of poems – The Hot Skin – and I didn’t want to ”delegate” anything. I also bought a binding machine and designed the covers – plain black and white –by myself. The pleasure of not having to rely on other people was immensely freeing.
I also bought a sorter in which to place the ordered printed pages, taped to it the slogan “Work Is Love Made Visible” (St. Catherine) and moved this whole conglomeration, plus the baby’s playpen, to the small cottage at StormFall Farm for a poetic summer in the Berkshires.
My husband planned to commute back and forth from Philadelphia.
I was determined to have the experience Virginia Woolf so movingly describes in her diaries – sorting type as a way to self-soothe.
At the time I was staying in the cottage, my husband’s grandmother was up at the big house where I often went for drinks and dinner with her. This grandmother had always been wealthy but was a big believer in “noblesse oblige” and common sense. She was very shocked that I would sometimes alter one of my poems to suit my type requirements and told me, sadly, this meant I was not a real poet. I laughed out loud. This woman would not recognize Art if it bit her.
When my husband arrived he was angry and aggrieved that I had dedicated the book to him, thanking him for helping with the baby. Didn’t I understand what an insult that was? What would people think? Who would want to invest their money with a baby-minder?
I was gobsmacked. His violent hysteria was even more frightening than his arguments. My first husband was a cool, smooth seducer, accustomed to lying to get his way. My second husband was very different, but I was beginning to see that the rage and the pathos were deeper than I’d realized. But with poetry you can understand – and express – anything.
IN THE BUTTERFLY PAVILION
This evening you said you wished I was more ordinary. I bowed my head. I did not speak. Outside the animals leaned together, Breathing lightly; waiting For my answer. Cats-tongue ferns Swelled up like swords, pushed out a stink Occluding fields of vision while The rabbit-bloodied lawn curled away. Phlox flamed Sows littered in the cyclamen Dwarf stars broke free as Frazzled molten ore raced across a sky Darkening to night. Summoning my power My hands stay folded in my sleeves. Nighttime is my kingdom.
Becoming a warrior is rough. The only thing harder than becoming a warrior is NOT becoming one. Then you’re subject to the wild vagaries of circumstance. What you must do Is fight your way up to the controls and try to steer this thing in a safe direction. You won’t be able to do that without assembling a team, and teams rely on cooperation.
My mother died of breast cancer when she was 70 years old – and my father lost his mind. This was a complete surprise to everyone. My father had always been the strongest, smartest, wiliest person in the room. He was especially good at Reality. As the captain of our ship he piloted us through storms, foreign borders, bizarre customs officials and threatening cops and robbers. He once jumped overboard with a knife in his teeth to cut our propeller free. He untangled anchor chains, rescued a man at sea, founded successful businesses, managed money and liberated cash from international banks. He didn’t believe in God, he was scientifically educated and intellectually up-to-date.
My mother’s death was no surprise – she’d been dying for five years, up until the time the hospital sent her home and said they could do nothing for her. After the body bag left, my father’s first impulse was to kill himself by swimming as far out to sea as he could go. He was rescued by my brother-in-law, but he was still talking crazy. A helicopter took him to a hospital on the mainland where he was diagnosed with grief psychosis and briefly institutionalized while various medications were tried.
I took him out for lunch one day and he asked to stop at the Kwik Check for a newspaper, running in by himself. In the car I went into a slow panic – what if he bought razor blades? Luckily, he didn’t, but that was the way we all had to think as I strategized with my three sisters. We took turns with him. We could see the medication – Thorazine – had debilitating side effects, so checked him into the Philadelphia Mood Clinic to see if they could do a better job. They could, using primarily talk therapy.
Here my father fixated on getting married again, and as soon as he was out of the clinic he was stalking a variety of women, all of whom turned him down. Finally, he hooked up with an old friend of the family who was coming out of a bad divorce where her husband wanted Someone Else. She needed a Someone Else to shake in his face.
She certainly was familiar – having attended all the same churches and schools that we had. But she was not like my mother at all – flat-footed where my mother was imaginative, plain where my mother was beautiful, astringent where my mother was warm. But my father certainly calmed down. Creepily, he put her in charge of everything. He began referring to her as “your mother”. None of us were invited to the wedding. Newly married, they went on a tour of all our houses where he carefully explained to us that we wouldn’t be getting anything in the will, because he’d already done plenty, plus he’d made our stepmother leave her job so she could tour the world with him and he had to take care of her.
My husband said, Great! I’ll take it from here! One of my sisters said, “It’s his money, he can do what he wants with it.” Another was so depressed – “He’s abandoning us AGAIN” – she couldn’t speak. The third sister said, “We’re helpless, we can’t stop him.”
I said, I was taught to speak truth to power. I was taught that resistance is not only not futile but mandatory. Guess who taught me that? My conscientious objector father, who went to Kentucky State Prison for his pacifist beliefs.
I wrote him a letter in which I said half of that money was Mom’s and she felt an obligation to and love for her grandchildren and daughters. I threw in every moral rationale I could think of. Incredibly – considering the way he’d distanced himself from us – it worked. He said he would leave us a small amount at his death and put the bulk of the money in a trust that would revert to us on our stepmother’s death. He didn’t leave us as much as he promised, but the trust idea is a good one. Someday it might even come to pass.
ON BEING DISINHERITED
These are the tasks To be performed Without feeling; The snipping the Slashing The shredding The with-holding, the Bundling into bunches. You play the remote ogre And I’ll be the crying child.
Why do partitioned pieces Melt before they touch? You fear to give; I am helpless to receive. Suppose we changed places. Would that explain Your fear of me?
High school for me was a religious boarding school whose faculty asserted their monopoly on truth. I considered myself an honorable person and despised lies. So when asked straightforward questions, I told the truth and accepted my punishment. However, I gradually discovered that they reserved the right to lie to us and in fact, considered that “parental” and pedagogical. Was there any point telling “the truth” to such people? Apparently, truth was a scarce resource that I, at age 14, possessed. The hypocrisy was huge. My father loved the Society of Friends because creed was optional, attendance at meeting was voluntary and silent. No one spoke unless moved by the Holy Spirit. But at our school, religious attendance (we even had Vespers!) was mandatory and our captive audience was lectured from the Facing Bench (where the Important People sit.)
In such a world, is truth possible? Is it even findable? Above all, is it communicable? I was naturally artistic, a bent which was discouraged because it was “self-indulgent”. And poetry (it’s poetry if the poet says it is) is the most self-indulgent of all. So that’s what I chose.
PREPPY
Corseted with verbs The French teacher sweeps The cherry blossoms from the tennis court As she would like to sweep The cherries, squelching them soundly Beneath soccer-spiked shoes
While the headmistress Cello-breasted Polishes graffiti carved upon her coffin In Chaucerian High English And the girls – Nun-white, nun-blue
Soar above hockey fields like Foul-mouthed angels, anticipated ecstasy locked In narrow hope chests ripened on Amphetamines Free Love Bad dreams.
Alysse Aallyn 