Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar

                   A & I hung living room paintings today, and the last piece 

was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his 

name mean anything to me in twenty years?  Brought blow dryer,

 change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back into shape 

after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy 

(bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender).

                 A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm 

and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with 

dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing 

them move about with candles. What does the future hold? 

 I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there.

 Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of sweetness.

                   17 July 76

                  Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have 

to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper 

named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried

 a whip onstage – everything but the donkey, as one of the other 

dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on 

how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn.

                 But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He 

ordered in Italian.  The weirdest thing about him is that he 

doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank 

for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles – 

he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it.

                 We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful – 

A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of 

wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry 

I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right.

 He liked valentine the best – 

Valentine

I sent myself in a letter

Heart-creased

Like a glove

Too much folded

An anecdote

Too much told

Dear stranger don’t

Lose me

I forgot the rule

(Hold back a copy)

                   Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously 

passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the 

first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place 

but I hope it’s inevitable.”

                   I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have 

to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the 

top of my dress either.  He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to 

really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment 

after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing

 tomorrow, then on a four-day cruise sometime in August.

                   Fri 23 July 76 – Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland 

                   R and I have seen each other every day since Fri – 

I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back. 

 I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work 

and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex – 

first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect 

to be all right.

                  Adore these slow working mornings. I get up 

with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now 

working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving 

at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar 

such a pleasure  – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced 

on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready,  feeling 

like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec. 

                 Yesterday we met across the street neighbors – 

one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree

 in Hospital Administration.  Among ourselves we call him 

“Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see 

them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be

 in heaven.  Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to 

dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.

Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 Pm

                   God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body – 

love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face. 

Those blond Italians!  He wouldn’t like to hear me say it – 

he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but 

he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon – 

he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t 

care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman joy.  

We fit together exactly  – interlocking puzzle pieces even 

upside down.  I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees 

with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a 

hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm 

was so great I wept.  I fell asleep with him inside me.  Wrote 

a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him.  If I 

learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent. 

He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want 

to buy a bookcase.

                   Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could 

he possibly love me as much as I love him?  Yesterday walking 

in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one 

serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to 

limit the experience.  Which of course was exactly the right answer.

The worst part is his trouble with my job. 

                   He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because

 he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers 

World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine,

 all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he 

can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as 

I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour, 

before my set.

11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76

                 Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken 

up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more.  

Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays, Carmen 

checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect.

                 We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his 

right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long 

purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the 

supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license 

in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going 

to see to it.  I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much 

as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.