Goddesses Use Ingenuity to Rise Above – Everyone has flying dreams! In those moments, we experience the absolute power of potential, which is exactly what Goddessing is about. We often wake from them with a feeling of disappointed sadness: “You mean I’m earth-bound? I want to go back!’
Goddesses are Transformers – Your mind is a ever-changing tool that not only discerns and elucidates and solves “problems”, it transfigures them with transcendental thinking. Difficulties dissolve as the potential for revolution becomes clear. Goddesses rise above the problem to survey it from other angles. We can soar over the difficulty with prescriptive imagination! Our most transformative tool is the question: “What if?”
Ingenuity sees Connections where Others see Limits. Ingenuity
relaxes by “tinkering.” Let’s become expert at cultivating the alpha brain waves to achieve “flow” – a condition of subconscious harmony where ideas spring up and potentialities thrive. “Flow” is true freedom.
Goddess Danger: Can You “Waste” Your Life Daydreaming? I’m one of those people who says “No”! But the mind can create traps – cultural, educational and emotional – to keep us on a sabotaging treadmill of circular reasoning that gets us nowhere. Usually you can tell this is happening when you hear an intrusive “voice”: “You shouldn’t be doing this” “You’re an idiot” “That won’t work.” That’s not you talking; it’s a “Hidden Enemy” brainworm you are allowing into your Sacred Space.
The “Hidden Enemy” is an Invader – a parasite you picked up someplace. It could be school, family, online, it could be cultural or psychological – that doesn’t really matter. The Hidden Enemy is determined undermine all your efforts to focus and connect. Without the confidence to dream, think and experiment you can’t become your best self. So the Hidden Enemy must be expelled.
Goddess Opportunity – Meditation is practicing to take control of your own brain, and as such, it is vital. Like piano scales and ballet steps the practice itself matters less than the fact that you do it every day. Wonderful Meditation apps exist to help you on this journey. This is not on the “winning” or “losing” spectrum any more than massage is, it is simply something that must be done every day to practice recognizing the Hostile and Destructive Voice and forcefully pushing it out of your brain. If you need confidence to apply this practice, join a meditation group.
Goddesses Create Heaven – In a supportive environment voices saying, “You can’t do it” are drowned out by empowering affirmations. Some people use music to achieve this state, others use meditation. Fans of psychology might wish to make an effort to study where these voices came from. Who are they? What happened to those people? Why did they attack you? Now that you are no longer a child you can usually see them for the tiny, disappointed, bitter little minds they were. These are not forces to emulate. Deliberately let them go. Repeat after me: “I am sorry for you, but you have no power over me”.
When You Can’t Go Backwards or Forwards the Only Solution is Up – Goddesses are accustomed to thinking outside the box because they long ago realized they would never fit the box society had chosen for them.
Goddesses Invent – Goddess figure out brand new ways to do things based on innovative reasoning, creative solutions and “win-win” thinking.
Goddesses Adapt – Goddess have been strategizing in their Goddess Journals and mapmaking on their Vision Boards for so long soon they can do it in their heads, on the fly. We know Plan A will probably not happen, possibly not even B, C, or D but a combination of all these or something new entirely that comes to you suddenly, in the heat of the moment.
Goddesses Amaze – Surprise is the entire Art of Beauty, says Alysse Aallyn; absolute originality is the Art of Surprise. Learn to enjoy the unexpected. Don’t allow others to dictate to you about behaviors and modalities. Above all, Goddesses are free.
Models & Mentors – “No problem of human making is too great to be overcome by human ingenuity, human energy and the untiring hope of the human spirit”
– Bill Clinton
“Mathematical reasoning is the exercise of inspiration and ingenuity” – Alan Turing
“You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it” – Albert Einstein
“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained” – Nicolas Manetta
Goddesses Focus on Their Legacy – We immortalize ourselves for eternity by perfection of character, but on this planet we become immortal through those we leave behind. You are a model reaching more eyes and minds than you can know.
Goddesses Shape the Future – Contributing to forming and shaping young lives is a key way we “replicate”. Hearing your own ideas advanced and improved upon is a unique thrill. Generativity is the necessary completion of the formation of Self. Super-Therapist Erik Erickson posits “Generativity versus Stagnation” as the stark choice facing us as we grow older.
Do Goddesses Have Children? – Of course, if they want to. Children easily become hostages in a ploy to trap caregivers and restrict choices and Goddesses aren’t forgiving of such evil. Keeping a free hand while in charge of young lives is a challenge we must rise to meet.
Goddess Challenge – We’re usually full of criticisms of our own upbringing – behaviors we do NOT want to replicate. What specifically would you change? What difference do you want to leave in the world? In our capitalist universe we always think of legacy is “money” but money is a thorny gift. Think how easily it is lost, misused, wasted, stolen. A better legacy is wisdom: a codebook, “cheat sheet”, a treasure map, the ability to recognize and ENJOY treasure once it is located.
Goddess Danger – We all know about the monomaniacs who want to rebuild the universe in their image. Their view of possibility is restricted to what THEY want, what THEY can do. Goddesses look to leave a Legacy that’s not just an ego trip. Did we consult anybody else? Will this contribute to a universe others want, need and can enjoy?
Goddess Opportunity – Once again we are offered a magical chance to increase our range, magnify our grasp and celebrate and share our unique joys and gifts. Leaving Granny’s plates or a recipe book to a relative in a will is so unrewarding compared to giving a party. Is there any way we can turn the struggles of ordinary existence into a joy for anyone else? Find out what others need. Think about your own luck and good fortune. Usually we can see a way the path can be smoothed for others. Then we can spend our golden years getting feedback (and usually thanks!) and fine-tuning. What a pleasure!
Goddess Preserve Value – Goddess exist to increase safety where all living things can grow and flourish.
Goddess Create Worth – In an atmosphere of respect, value is created. When humans are free to explore, imagination is unleashed. In a time of peace, playfulness and joy are prime.
Goddess Understand Tradition – Goddess are hard-tested. They love to pass on what is valuable. Sharing skills and preventing common errors is the pride of their acquired wisdom. Our heirs are everyone on the planet.
Goddess Enhance Sharing – understanding maps, history, techniques and strategies gives goddess a special interest in the experiences of others. You are never too old to learn.
Goddess Deepen Relationships – It is beneficial for the young to see their elders’ humility as well as knowledge, kindness as well as determination and playfulness as well as persistence.
Models & Mentors – “Every child is born a genius” – Buckminster Fuller
“History will judge us by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children” – Nelson Mandela
“Children make your life important” – Erma Bombeck
“All kids need is a little help, a little hope and someone who believes in them” – Magic Johnson
Time to check your consciousness levels – How comfortable are you with the very existence, not to mention the depth, of your conscious/subconscious/
unconscious/collective unconscious levels?
Consciousness is your awareness of the Now.
Subconscious are all the memories and ideas pushed out of the Now into “Later”. With effort, you can become aware of these.
The Unconscious you are completely unaware of. It takes considerable mining effort to get down there, but it can be done. This is where you store everything you’ve heard, everything you’ve seen, even peripherally, even without bringing into awareness at the time. The Collective Unconscious is the most controversial. Do you believe you are a historical repository of other people’s memories, including those of whose existence you are entirely unaware? I do.
You Have Multiple People Blending Their Lives With Yours – Do you ruminate about past events? Are you haunted by what was done & left undone? Do you feel nostalgia for a past that never was? Do you have a favorite period in history or a fantasy universe that you wish you lived in, instead of this one?
You are the Heroine of Your Goddess Saga – Accept your centrality in your own myth. It doesn’t matter what other people think – they are the bit players. Think of your past as a Quest Saga. What did you want? How did it change? What blocked you? What tools have you got at your command? Where do you go from here?
Rewrite the Past – You absolutely CAN, but first you first must face its full horror and the effect on you. Generally, because we were immature, we didn’t understand what was going on, were co-opted by our persecutors and prevented from fighting back. Things are different now! The hardest thing to accept is that beloved caregivers didn’t want the “best” for us – they only wanted us to be just like them. Let’s begin bringing those levels of consciousness into symmetry.
“I Don’t Believe in Ghosts but I Never Met a Person who Wasn’t Haunted” is a very wise saying. What haunts you exactly? Or who? Ghosts are malignant – if they weren’t they would be power spirits, fairy godmothers or guardian angels. What malignancies from your past are out to get you and how do they make themselves known? One of Freud’s contributions was to point out that people prefer their neurosis – ie imprisonment – to liberation. Why? What’s in it for them – or you?
You Define YOU. Yes, Goddesses have scars – those are bragging rights! You have been through the wars! ‘Rewriting” the past means understanding what really happened, the limitations of those who surrounded you, and exploring your chances and choices today. Just because parents, teachers or “society” sentenced you to play a role, you can step out of it at any time. Buddhist thought is very helpful here. Buddha teaches that life itself is an illusion – a dream. It changes depending on how we think about it. In the present, inside your mind, you hold all the keys to your own liberation. Re-visit Pema Chodron’s Noble Heart and Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now to explore how you can assume immediate control of your life and your mind and turn your past into fuel to power your growth.
Goddesses Know Who They Are – Remember,you’ve got a purpose. You’ve got a future. You’ve thought about your past and worked out conflicts with a mentor and in your Goddess Journal.
Goddesses Develop A Sense of History – You understand that history is a spiral, not a circle – the same things do keep coming around but in a different form. You see all around you the operation of karma.
Choosing Evil is Choosing Chaos – and condemning yourself to death. It can’t ever work out except temporarily. You understand the battle between darkness and light and you have committed yourself firmly to The Light.
Goddesses Are Storytellers – You emblemize the message with your life, with your words, with your body, with your very presence. You have become one link in the unbreakable chain of Eternal Perfection and you will gain eternal reward.
Models & Mentors – “You never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory” – Dr Seuss
“Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things” – Cicero
“In the end, we’ll all become stories.” – Margaret Atwood
“Your brain forms the same neural connections and muscle memory whether you are imagining a task or actually doing it”- Yo Yo Ma
Goddessesthirst after justice. Do you dream of a fully lit landscape? Do you bask in warm rays or feel trapped by skin-scorching light? As the Sun represents Truth in the Goddess Oracle it also sheds light on our efforts to locate, explain and exploit that mysterious force.
Goddesses Are Bullshit Detectors – Throughout life you will encounter people searching others for weapons and tools. They will try to make a weapon and a tool out of you. This is why understanding the give and take nature of true partnership is so key. When you are searching for a Teacher you are not searching for a Master. Use Truth to divine the difference.
You Are a Truth Diviner – Truth is complex. Truth evolves to match our understanding. Dream are incontestably “real” but do they represent “Truth”? Can something be true one day and untrue the next? (see Ambivalence.) Is the storytelling child narrating “the truth”? Are myths true? Is the Bible true? Yes to all these questions. But No, also. Because the most important fact about truth is that, like us, it’s either progressive or regressive. You easily recognize this in your own life. Goddesses evolve. Immortality is a process. Something that was true of you twenty years ago is no longer true. You have changed. Understandably, in a chaotic climate such as our present circumstances, people thirst for Unchanging Truth, and there are a few examples. Benjamin Franklin offered Death and Taxes, Jesus said evil can’t win, and Buddha said life itself is an illusion.
It is enough to make us think that language is a poor descriptor of experience. The important variable in all this are the circumstances of humanity. We are the eyes that think, the brain that evaluates, the mind that remembers. You are constantly developing Goddess Skills – Truth Seeking, Truth Telling and Truth Divining – and you are developing definitions. Congratulate yourself. Support yourself and others on this noblest of enterprises. Because to die in the Truth is to pass into the Light.
The Truth Matters – Lying is the biggest red flag, and the question always is, why? Can your interlocutor not bear the truth or do they not know the truth? Do they attempt to fool others to take advantage? Law asks the question: who benefits? How would they take control if you accepted their falsity?
Goddesses Accept the Physics of Reality – Does the Liar promote growth and health, or suffering and squalor? Followers may be sickening and dying slowly, but you can quickly see that in the Liar’s universe, the benefit of others is never as important as leader gratification.
Goddesses Understand Emotional Health – Challenge is necessary for growth. The fact that subjects are uncomfortable is usually a good reason to take a long look. Effort is important but not to the point of depletion. Who maintains the resources that refresh the spirit?
You Are Worthy of Support & Self-Care – Rest, health, nourishment, fellowship and learning are the riches of the universe that should be available to all but usually require positive effort.
Goddess Challenge – It’s so relaxing when you finally see the Truth. Suddenly you’re in the gulf stream, swimming WITH the tide! This is why fans love mystery stories – they explain what was REALLY going on and you see all past events in a new light with a new meaning. Daily life seems to request one hideous compromise after another fro ordinary humans until they wake up one morning feeling that we are lying to everybody – ourselves included. The Goddess’s Challenge – should you accept it – is to bring your life more in harmony with what you currently know to be true, all the while seeking a higher elevation of The Truth.
Goddess Danger – Nobody likes a hard-ass. Is your quest for truth turning you into a rigid, mean-spirited drill sergeant? I used to be authoritatively told by Literary Lights that the mysteries I loved weren’t any good, that no way was Raymond Chandler as good as John Steinbeck. Worse, Emily Bronte wasn’t as good as Philip Roth! Ugh! I did appreciate that what was “true” for others was NOT true for me but unfortunately for me, THEY did not appreciate that. So, be humble. You can never see (or reveal) all the Truth. It will evolve as you will. Goddesses are “perfected” when they are received into Bliss. You’re not required to believe in Bliss, by the way. Bliss believes in you.
Goddess Opportunity –Truth, like everything interesting, meaningful and worth doing, is a PROCESS. Welcome aboard! We’re all passengers on this exciting thrill-ride! So buckle up! Assemble a team! Get out your journal! Let’s begin!
Models & Mentors – “The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.” – David Foster Wallace
“In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act” – George Orwell
“Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool you have” – Oprah Winfrey
“Truth is like the Sun. You can shut it out for a while, but it ain’t going away”
Why Become a Goddess? – Innocents assume that being a goddess means being the center of continuous adulation. Although people do admire you, competitive pushback is much more common. This alone is usually enough to encourage most women back into the fold. Why ever leave the Approval Matrix and strike out on your own?
Dissonance is why. As William Penn, (1644-1718) founder of Pennsylvania considered pacifism, he asked the great Quaker philosopher George Fox (1624-1691) how long he should wear his ceremonial sword, and Fox answered: “As long as you can.” In other words, until you can bear it no longer. When the dissonance overwhelms us, then we must act.
Goddess Are Sensitive Instruments registering seismic shifts and deep tectonic disturbances below the threshold of consciousness. Something always IS “going on” and you have studied long enough to be alert to the many warning signals! This can be exhausting. We long for relaxation, peace and quiet, a clear blue sky without a single cloud.
Goddesses’ Feet Find Their Own Path – Enviable, maybe, but scary also. We consider the unseen. Dreaming of reversals? Sudden surprises? Creeping sense of unease? Upsets? Do you wake with a sense of having forgotten something important you almost understood?
Who Approves the Approvers? – You’re just not comfortable in the Approval Matrix. Possibly you don’t like or trust the people whose approval you supposedly need. Getting that sneaking suspicion you’ve wandered into a masquerade? You try to learn the rules, but the rules keep changing. You can tell they’re moving the goalposts but no one’s allowed to comment. By the time you arrive, the “promise” has mysteriously “expired.”
Impostor Syndrome – Are we the fake, or is it everyone around us who’s faking it? “Fake it till you make it” seems to be the rule. But is the game worth playing? Goddesses step away into an arena all their own, where they find the freedom to uncover their true selves. Your Goddess Journal reflects the Goddess Reality. Meditation will reveal your wholeness to you.
Activate Your Spidey Senses – First, uncover your real self. This ought to be the easy part! Everyone has a self – right? If only! From our earliest memory, not only was “love” conditional but ALL rewards were. We wanted to find out who we really were and what we were capable of but it never seemed the right time.
Be the Person Not Determined By An Algorithm. Let’s start by taking our suspicions seriously – you’re not paranoid if they’re REALLY out to get you.
Goddess Challenge –The key to intelligent management of dissonance is to think of the world as an orchestra playing a symphony. The more able we are to distinguish the varied instruments and musical lines the more we will appreciate and enjoy the experience. Schedule regular periods of rest, rebalancing and renewal.
Goddess Danger – Avoid a “bunker mentality.” You’re not looking for a hidey-hole. The universe has many bunkers, but is bigger than any single one. Goddesses belong to eternity – that is the whole point of Goddessing. We must cultivate a hierarchy of response. We get out of bed in the middle of the night for a fire alarm, not a phone notification.
Loneliness Is Not Required – Don’t allow yourself to become dismissive and numb but seek out like-minded souls. You will recognize who can provide advice and encouragement and a healthy growth process. Curate your group to promote intelligent awareness in an atmosphere of hope. Dissonance and dormancy are not doom.
Resistance Is Never Futile – We each will be given a chance to spend our night on the watchtower, but you don’t need to spend every night there. Consider dissonance and discord invitations to accept maturity. We are putting away childish things. The sky is NOT falling, but the climate is under legitimate scientific threat. Strategize ways to take useful action. This is an opportunity to show self-love, as well as love for the group, the environment, the world and the future. The attitude, “I care about you so I’m going to take care of you”, keeps us sensitive to the message of Universal Love that is always waiting breathlessly to embrace us.
Suit Up for the Long Haul – Goddesses increase their peripheral senses. Learn how to check for honesty. Test for reality. Check past accounts. Interview friends AND enemies. Is somebody pushing too hard? Trying to “sign you up?” How do they treat wait-staff? Do they speak disrespectfully of others? What’s their philosophy of life?
When It’s Too Good to Be True – That often means the trap is just about to be sprung. Goddess think for themselves.
Models & Mentors – Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to fads, trends and popular opinion”
– Jack Kerouac
“Better to fail in originality than succeed in imitation”
– Herman Melville
“If you don’t fit in, you’re probably doing the right thing” – Henry David Thoreau
“Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth” – John F. Kennedy
Some People Prefer Risk. They don’t feel alive unless the situation is dangerous. What kind of goddess are you? The dangerous kind? Can you rush eternity? A hastened Immortality might not happen. More typical is ambivalence. We both want and don’t want – at the same time.
How Many Different Goddesses Are You? Sometimes we dream disturbingly about things we don’t want and people we aren’t. Feminists dream of rape, vegetarians dream of meat, pacifists dream of fighting. It’s confusing. What gives?
Language Isn’t Subtle Enough to Explain You – Your personality manifests all feelings, all thoughts, all ideas, rippling through you in a vast subconscious river. Everyone’s does; not only those who choose to be Immortal. Your unconscious connects with the “collective unconscious” of all other humans – dead, alive, even fictional. They ripple through you regularly. That’s where all your ‘strange thoughts” and “other personalities” come from.
Why isn’t “hate-love” a word? You experience that regularly. How about “fear-attraction”? Common! What I’m suggesting is that we need to accept the fact that a “personality” is a dynamism, not a label.
Goddess Challenge – Facing your own fluid multiplicity might seem the toughest part, but it isn’t for artists, who routinely “play” along their edge, peeking over it and imagining life on the other side. Art is the best way to express this, an enormous relief since it’s non-committal. You can stop experimenting any time you choose. It’s a goddess power also. Of course, you’ll have to face the surprise of your relatives when your work becomes public: “Where did THAT come from?” But if truth be told, we’ve always been surprised we’re related to those people.
Goddess Danger – Society seeks to label, limit and stigmatize. Everyone is afraid of becoming what they fear but Goddesses need to explore and ultimately manage our fear. A simple safe word won’t work when people – bankers, politicians, therapists, employers – are so fundamentally untrustworthy. That is why our identification of ourselves as Brave Goddess is so vital. The vastness of our potential can never be controlled by language. We will never be butterflies pinned down in a museum box for the instruction/curiosity of others.
Goddess Opportunity – Appreciate your Multiplicitous Self. Don’t slam the door on any of your potentialities too soon. Sometimes the worst labeler, the most determined jailor, is our own punitive psyche. We are deeply afraid of wandering in the forest and losing the way to get home safe. But Goddesses carry Home within them. As Nelson Mandela used to quote from his prison cell, if we are the captains of our souls we can be the masters of our fates. (Henley.) We can learn to tolerate a little ambiguity/uncertainty/ambivalence.
Goddess Tolerate Uncertainty – Being a goddess is all about balance. The experience of balance-seeking is indescribable linguistically – it must be felt experientially. Goddesses learn to live in a world beyond language where we can savor uncertainty and foretaste eternity.
Goddess Relish Paradox – Two contraries not only exist together but empower each other – that creative tension is the lifeblood of emotion, imagination and personality.
Goddess Coast on the Knife-Edge of Ambivalence – The desired is undesirable, the only possibility is impossible and the act of wanting forbids getting. In the Multiverse (Eternity) all your impossibles are actually happening. Goddesses must become comfortable with the pleasures of this dance: “My future dissolves in beads of sweat, my present is my mirror, my past’s a shape-shifting whirligig.” (Aallyn)
Even Leaders Must Contemplate the Power of Surrender – We contemplate Everything. Physics is magic and dreams embody history. This quantum world of “spooky entanglements” is one in which we goddesses become expert. We accept not only that the cave we fear holds the treasure we desire, but that we are both cave and treasure, indeed, fear itself.
Models & Mentors – “It seems we are capable of immense love and loyalty and as capable of deceit and atrocity. It is this shocking ambivalence that makes us unique.” – John Scott
“Ambivalence is a wonderful tune to dance to. It has a rhythm all its own.”
– Erica Jong
“The Simpsons is about alienation and the ambivalence of living with a family who you love but drives you crazy”
– Matt Groening
“Poetry is the home of ambiguity, ambivalence and uncertainty.” – Billy Collins
To Become a Goddess Is to Accept Your Power. But power is fearsome. We are all familiar with fires that escape control, rage-fueled emotional spirals, explosives that blow up their wielders and the dangers of endlessly escalating weaponry. Once the Goddess’ unleashes power, much can go wrong.
The Power is there whether you claim it or not. To abjure your power is to deny your personhood – something women and marginalized groups have always been commanded to do. If you try to get in touch with your personal power, won’t you tempt established Power to come after you?
Power is About More than Control and bending unfriendly circumstances to your desire and will. It is the process of fulfilling your natural growth pattern, becoming the person God always intended you to be. You have an immortal mandate but you must claim it.
You Are Iconic –Goddesses invoke more than magic, they exemplify the inherent magic that is especially, irreplaceably Individuated Self. You have a power no one else has, incorporated in your being, your possibilities, your desires and your memories. This takes a lifetime to accept because we all nervously want to be Someone Else and experience existence through the armor of Having only an Outside instead of just the very vulnerable Inside in which we all feel imprisoned.
Only Illegitimate Power Will Fear You – The Universe that God created accepts a glorious new creature fulfilling their immortal mandate, while stolen power – the desire to crush, to control and to drain – will be forced to reveal itself in the fullness of its jealous evil.
Dreams Will Instruct You – Your dreams bring all these passions together as psychic poetry, elucidating what you think you want, what you hope you want and what you are afraid you want. The ultimate magic is to seize conscious control of this potent power source.
Goddess Challenge – The challenge is to truly connect with others, reveal our world Inside, and avoid blasting their apparently impenetrable Outside with our terror, our longing and our fear. As the demons come after you, you will deploy the skills and techniques of dissembling, transmutation, transformation, mirror-magic and emotional mastery. The demons are hungry, pathetic in their eternal emptiness.
Goddess Danger – We cannot take hostages and we must never become a hostage. Freedom is a fine line to walk. If we wish to reach out, we must treat those struggling to stand upright with respect and demand like respect for ourselves. Accept your “experiments”; do not fear them but allow them to take you where you need to go.
Goddess Opportunities – There will be stumbles and terrors aplenty, also successes that LOOK like stumbles and terrors, but which we only realize on reflection were real leaps forward. This is why we must carefully assess our daily efforts without being harsh with ourselves. Speak gently to yourself as you would to a most beloved child. You are the Universe’s Own Beloved Child. It is not selfish to commit to this belief, it is simply placing the oxygen mask over your own face FIRST so that you can administer this life-saving force to others. Find someone with whom you can share your journey, without fear or judgment. This connection will teach us everything we need to know about how to connect with others.
Fear & Trembling: Where would we ever get the courage to become goddess? Human history begins with an enormous fear of the Almighty or whatever is causing all that lightning, those earthquakes and striking everybody down. Killing small helpless, pretty things was meant to be flattering and propitiatory to this God (I don’t get it either.) Then Jesus arrived with a message about how God was really loving, generous and wanted the best for us. We know how that turned out.
Becoming a Goddess: As children, we struggled to understand where we fit on the power spectrum. I tried killing a snake, and experimented with bullying other children the way I was bullied. I didn’t care for it. The only relief was in thinking about, researching and understanding the philosophical concepts about what was going on. My earliest researches, as for many children, were in astronomy and dinosaurs. The cold magnificence of the planets and the complete wipeout of the dinosaurs gave me a way to stand back from the immediate suffering of the schoolyard. I then moved on to the early Egyptians who tried to solve their problems through magic and art. The art was visually appealing and the magic was emotionally soothing.
Pick Your Battles: I saw that most schoolyard fights were a reaction to the immediate suffering of pain or confusion, and that they magnified, rather than solved, those problems. There was a manifest holiness about this discovery. It rescued me from the torture of everyday life and elevated me to a plane where every other contributing thinker had already become immortalized.
Study & Strategy: I read everything I could get my hands on in history and biography (research) and in fairy tales (magic). When I fell in love with the novels of C.S. Lewis and Rumer Godden, the world judged my taste good – when I discovered Agatha Christie, it did not – but it turned out everyone else was reading her too. Agatha is a short course on human nature (original sin) and a proponent of both the scientific and Socratic methods. She’s great training for a Goddess. I wrote it all down in my Training Journal.
Claiming Your Power: By the time you’re a teenager you can see you have some power – some mental, some physical. The question is developing it and finding appropriate gurus. It is key to step out of the dominance/submission game.
Keep Going – Recognize that you have been touched by the goddess and honor her by being grateful for the glorious gifts of life.
Models & Mentors: “I did not deceive you. I permitted you to deceive yourself.” Agatha Christie
“An Indian proverb says everyone is a house with four rooms – physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. Most of us live in one room or the other but if you don’t visit each room each day you are not a complete person.” – Rumer Godden
“You are never too old to dream a new dream or set a new goal”
SCENE XI – FARRELL RESIDENCE. (ZOYA, festively dressed excitable little woman with dyed hair teeters forward on high heels)
ZOYA
Stevie!
(She clutches CHASE, kissing him everywhere)
Oh Stevie, Stevie, I was so afraid you wouldn’t come.
CHASE
Miss your birthday? How could I possibly? And I brought a friend.
(JAZZ wavesnervously)
JAZZ
(Awkwardly extending plant)
Happy Birthday.
(Painfully obvious this is way too big a plant for this tiny person)
ZOYA
(Making no move to take it)
Oh, my. That looks so…interesting. Well come in, come in.
( JAZZ unloads plant on hall table, looking around, awed. ZOYA regards plant apprehensively.)
ZOYA
I suppose I’m ancient, dry and prickly just like this plant. Does it come with directions?
JAZZ
It’s a Christmas cactus. It’s going to have three blooms. See?
ZOYA
(Without enthusiasm)
Lovely.
(Clings to CHASE)
It’s so wonderful to see you!
(She squeezes him)
Look how tall you’ve gotten.
CHASE
(hugs her)
Good to see you, Mom. You’re looking well.
JAZZ
Sorry I’m not dressed for a party.
CHASE
Jazz had kind of a disaster. Somebody jumped out of her dorm room window.
(JAZZand CHASEexchange looks)
ZOYA
How terrible! Were they badly hurt?
CHASE
(With relish)
Killed, Mom. Dead.
(His mother backs away, looking at the pair of them)
ZOYA
Do they give you an automatic A and send you home?
CHASE
Urban legend, Mom. You’ve got to stop believing myths.
(His mother strikes him lightly on the arm)
ZOYA
I never know when you’re teasing.
CHASE
If Jazz could borrow something of Cyanne’s…?
ZOYA
(Recollecting she’s the hostess)
Of course, of course. Cyanne has way too many clothes. She’s always shopping. You look about the same size. She’d say yes but she’s away at college. She’s pledging my sorority. Quick drink before you freshen up?
(An expression almost of panic)
Because I’ve got to get back – back to the kitchen.
(Backs away as if dragged – exit)
CHASE
My Mom always bakes her own birthday cake.
JAZZ
Why didn’t you tell me your mother hates plants?
(Gestures)
All these plants are fake.
CHASE
Mom says growth’s a lot of work.
JAZZ
(Mimes looking at family photos on the walls)
That you as a baby?
CHASE
The very same. Aren’t I adorable? You can’t tell which is me and which is Cyanne.
JAZZ
You all look so happy.
CHASE
Appearances can be deceiving.
JAZZ
So your real name’s Stevie.
CHASE
Steven. Now that you know it, forget it. Just another thing that’s gone.
JAZZ
You could have told me.
CHASE
Who knew we’d end up here? I’ve never been good at telling people things. The vortex assumed control.
A trial is a cutaway of its time and place, a look not just into mores and modalities but secrets and sewage. Two of the most interesting trials I have seen – and I watched every day – were Beth Carpenter’s trial in New London, CT and Michael Peterson’s in Raleigh, N.C. (both 2002, both for first degree murder.)
Each trial exposed the inner workings of a family (two families in the Carpenter case) and were so enormously influential for me that I wrote fiction about them.
Both trials revealed levels of shocking hypocrisy so deep we could have been in Victorian London; these accused would do anything to get what they wanted while maintaining social appearances.
At the time of his wife’s death Michael Peterson was gay sexting on hotmilitarystud.com; and although he insisted his wife knew about his affairs her daughter (who lived with them) did not think so. But the real shock in this case was that an identical death was exhumed from his past – another woman who died on bloody staircase. Both skulls revealed seven blows to the top of the head.
The first woman’s daughters – whom Peterson acquired along with her assets – thought she had died of an aneurysm. What would it feel like to see their mother’s real skull revealed in court for all the world to see? That was the genesis of Depraved Heart, though I changed everything else to create my own world.
In the Carpenter case, Beth came from a family of strivers who felt soiled and humiliated by their other daughter’s marriage to a part time stripper tow truck driver. Beth was accustomed to ordering her boyfriends around – two of them testified that she took over their cars and bank accounts as soon as they showed interest. Her boss, Hayman Clein, a successful Connecticut real estate attorney, fell for her attractions and became her virtual slave. When she asked him to find her a hit man, he offered up his coke dealer – and the three of them went down for the crime. That this simple ask keeping her own hands clean made Beth a murderer too is something she should have known – she also was a lawyer.
I used aspects of her overpowering character to create my Queen of Swords.
It’s a truism that real life needs to be toned down for fiction: no one would believe it.
(Leonard & Virginia Woolf in the Conservatory at Dalingridge Hall)
VIRGINIA If only I could trust you.
LEONARD You can.
VIRGINIA But these drugs turn my brain to cotton wool. There’s a pattern behind the cotton wool, if only I could find it. Did you know the Duckworths, that incestuous race, were cotton merchants? Coining money from the cotton wool that packs me now. If only I could fight back! But my will is so fragmented. My theory is that we all live so dishonestly, unconsciously, disconnected and detached. You are such a stranger! Everything about you is different. That must be why I married you.
LEONARD Tell me everything, Virginia. Tell me what you fear, so we can kill it.
VIRGINIA Where does one begin? Last night I looked in the mirror beneath a pitiless light and suddenly a dreadful animal face showed itself behind me. He bellowed, he stared, his nostrils flared. The pig’s snout broke the mirror until my thighs ached. How could one forget the thrusting of that ugly snout, the snout that meant starvation, pain and death? The purple foaming stain. Somehow it was all my fault. Roars of laughter at my expense. Dream or was it a memory? All that’s left is hopeless sadness. Being dragged down into a pit of absolute despair. Powerlessness. Paralysis. That’s what I remember.
LEONARD Begin at the beginning.
VIRGINIA The beginning is insomnia. I lie awake at night listening to a senile old man gasping, croaking vile indecencies. I thought it was Father, having a fit of the horrors. But the nurse said it was only a cat. Or perhaps the beginning was the whooping cough. I think I knew happiness before I became so ill. The grownups laughed with me, not at me. Whooping cough steals the breath – none of us could breathe. The atmosphere was tangled, matted with emotion. All the children came down with it, all of us gasping. Mother ran from bed to bed until her skin was paper thin and the bones stood out. I used to wonder if Mother had traded my life for hers, until I remembered she preferred the boys. Women serve, men are served.
LEONARD But all of you recovered.
VIRGINIA They threw me into a tank with Gerald, the alligator. Drowning. I knew I must not sink. Couldn’t get my head above the whirlpool.
LEONARD Go on.
VIRGINIA They covered the mirrors when Mother died. I was thirteen. Vanessa was sixteen, Thoby fifteen. Stella was twenty-five, quite grown up. George was twenty-seven, Gerald twenty-four. Adrian was twelve. No one told me what was happening. I was taken to her bed to say good bye but Mother seemed reproachful, so condemning and stern. She said, “Hold yourself straight, little Goat.”
LEONARD Why were you called Goat?
VIRGINIA I was Goat because I couldn’t control my purple rages. The others hated that he talked to me and gave me books. He didn’t allow Stella to read Cousine Bette but said it couldn’t harm me, because I had read Gibbons on the fall of Rome.
LEONARD Did everyone have nicknames?
VIRGINIA Adrian was Wombat, Nessa was the Saint. Thoby was the Goth because he fought. Mother advised self-control to everyone but Father. My mother had two characters, I think. Her real self, and the Angel in the House. Stifler and the life-giver. And to this day I have the oddest feeling that I’m two people, too.
LEONARD Are you talking about the poet Coventry Patmore’s Angel in the House?
VIRGINIA Yes. Wasn’t she so popular? Singing, “Sacrifice. Sacrifice yourself.” I caught her by the throat and killed her. It was self-defense. I had to kill her or she would have killed me.
LEONARD Your mother died of pneumonia, Virginia. Don’t feel guilty, Children are disgustingly violent, every one of them. It’s a wonder anyone lives to grow up. I’ve decided brute strength is the enemy of thought – that’s why bullies rule and why we must all be pacifists and abjure force, even though it goes against our natures. Tell me, was this “angel” thing why Nessa was called Saint?
VIRGINIA No. That was because she was too proud to tell a lie. We hid from Father in the garden, and when he demanded, Didn’t we hear me calling? We all said No. Only Nessa said Yes. I told her she was an old fraud.
LEONARD Goat is the worst name, I think.
VIRGINIA No, that was Stella! She was the Cow, because she brought the milk.
LEONARD These nicknames are strangely degrading.
VIRGINIA I named myself Miss Jan. I so longed to be someone else. Laura was the worst of us but she was called Her Ladyship of the Lake.
LEONARD How old was Laura and why on earth was she called that?
VIRGINIA Laura was exactly Gerald’s age. But she was gone by the time mother died. Sent away, because she wouldn’t mind. Father said she was the Giver of the Sword because she forced him to punish her. Then she screamed so he had to punish her more. When Maitland was writing Father’s life he said that everything about Laura would have to be suppressed. Everyone hated Laura.
LEONARD Why did you hate her?
VIRGINIA Temper tantrums. We all had temper tantrums, but hers were worse. Father was still having them, but Mother could calm him.
LEONARD So, Laura went to an asylum?
VIRGINIA When I was ten. Until then she lived with a governess at the top of the house. At night, we heard her howling like an animal.
LEONARD Did your parents ever say what exactly was the problem?
VIRGINIA Mother said she was wicked. Father said she was perverse. Thoby thought she wouldn’t stop touching herself. I read all Father’s letters when I helped Maitland with his book. Father begged Mother to marry him to help with Laura.
LEONARD But she couldn’t help, could she?
VIRGINIA Abominable system, family life. It goes from ignorance and indifference to denial and contempt, open attack and ultimate destruction. None of it was Mother’s fault. She was always visiting the poor and making them clothes. I always thought the poor knew how to enjoy themselves better than we do, because we are cooped up, day after day while they walk out freely.
LEONARD Did you ever visit Laura?
VIRGINIA Once I went with Stella. Laura spoke only gibberish. The only comprehensible sentence was, “I told him to go away.” I couldn’t go back because that was where I saw the deformed men.
LEONARD I don’t understand why Stella was The Cow. Wasn’t she a young, beautiful girl?
VIRGINIA I thought her lovelier than Mother. She was so pale, so white, she looked like cow parsley by moonlight. I don’t think Mother loved her, really. She was Mother’s loyal handmaid. Stella taught us our letters. She was supposed to look after Father when Mother was gone, and Mother was absent a lot.
LEONARD Where did your mother go?
VIRGINIA Nursing the sick. Mother loved nursing the sick, she said they were easier than the well. She seemed always so far away, in her mind. When we spoke to her she looked through us as if she didn’t see us. While Mother was gone, Stella stood in for her.
LEONARD Didn’t Stella have a life of her own?
VIRGINIA She turned down proposals, I know that. Mother didn’t want her to marry. Cousin Jem was obsessed with her – we children were frightened of him.
LEONARD Cousin Jem? Wasn’t he the mad cousin?
VIRGINIA Yes, but before he was locked up, he conceived a passion for Stella. He would run into the house, shouting, while Stella fled up the front stairs. He pursued her, bellowing, right to the nursery where he speared our toast on his swordstick. I thought he looked like a tormented bull. Father said to tell him Stella wasn’t home, but Mother said she could never bar her door to Jem. She said she loved him and he needed us because he was banned from all his clubs. Once he abducted me and Mother.
LEONARD He abducted you?
VIRGINIA Yes, funny, I’d forgotten it till just this moment. I suppose that’s how memory works. He took us to his rooms because he wanted me to pose for him. Mother didn’t want to go, but she couldn’t stop him. As he painted, he declaimed his own poetry:
“if all the harm that were done by men were doubled and doubled and doubled again squared and raised to the power of ten there wouldn’t be nearly enough, not near to keep a small girl for a tenth of a year.”
LEONARD And you were a small girl.
VIRGINIA I was. The smallest. I never saw the picture.
LEONARD How did you get away?
VIRGINIA Did I get away? I don’t remember. I always stammered when I told him Stella wasn’t home so he knew I was lying. When he grabbed me by the collar I thought of the Ripper Man who had been in all the papers. This is what they must have felt, those women, when they were grabbed by Ripper Man. I’m afraid I wet myself and Nurse was angry. She punished everything I did, but I never listened to her. Nurse claimed all emotions like fear, dread, disgust – come from desiring the wrong food or not moving one’s bowels. Children must accept whatever’s given. If you show a preference, then that’s the very thing you’re not allowed to have. It’s as bad for a girl to cry for what she wants as for a boy to land a blow. Yet we did both, because Nurse was nobody.
LEONARD Cousin Jem was taken away to the madhouse. That was a good thing, surely.
VIRGINIA Where he starved himself to death, and that’s what I shall do if ever you lock me up in one of those places.
LEONARD Go back to your mother’s death.
VIRGINIA I didn’t know what had happened until I saw the nurses crying. I thought they were pretending and we should laugh at them but everyone pulled a face. I went to kiss Mother but she was cold as iron. I never touch iron without thinking of her. Father caromed off people and walls, seeking anyone to wail against. It was like being shut up in a cage with a wild beast.
LEONARD My family was rigidly quiet when my father died. Stiff upper lip, get on with it, try harder, everyone must buckle down. That sort of thing.
VIRGINIA A family is a conspiracy, driven by uncontrollable lusts. I saw a man sitting with mother’s corpse but the others saw no one there. We became unmoored, entering a time of hopeless suspense, muddle, mismanagement, battling the stupidity of those in power. It was as if a finger had been laid upon our lips, sentencing us to a sultry, opaque miasma that choked us and blinded us. Father shouted at Stella if she didn’t stock his writing paper or ordered too much fish. I knew it really was because she couldn’t tell him he was a first-rate writer, as mother always did. Stella had no mind and nobody respected her. Poor father was haunted by fears that he only had a third-class mind.
LEONARD And did he, do you think?
VIRGINIA His ego crippled him. Self-assertion is so loathsome. Father began writing The Mausoleum Book. About death. He wailed from the top of the stairs, “We perished, each alone.” Nothing is to be dreaded so much as egotism. Stella tried her best to rescue us. I wasn’t kind to her because she dragged me to the dentist and ordered all my clothes. I couldn’t bear standing for inspection while being stuck with pins. She was made me wear stays for the first time. Then Stella fell in love.
LEONARD With Jack Waller Hills. Did you like him?
VIRGINIA I did then, but I realized later he was a terrible old Fascist. He used to say, “the weak are wrongdoers who foul the nets.” I know he meant me, that I was a weak wrongdoer. In the end, he was a typical man who liked to have his way. He always put his great hoof down. But at first, he seemed the only truth-teller we had ever met. I was thirsty for knowledge, and he knew things. He taught me how to sugar trees for moths, how to collect and mount butterflies, how to take pride in killing beautiful things. He told me everything about sex, about “street love”, common love, why it is that women can never walk alone. I was so shocked. I asked, What about honor? He said men never think of honor, that they had women constantly, so all their talk of purity is nonsense. Every man has his whore. Every woman except the cheap ones must be locked up tight. Yet they call women fallen! Men are the whores. It makes no sense to me.
LEONARD It does sound mad.
VIRGINIA The night Jack proposed a tramp broken into the garden. Thoby threatened him, shouting at him to go away. We were always frightened of tramps – it seemed they could get in anywhere. I was afraid one had invaded the house and was lurking and leering, waiting to pounce. But it was only Jack. When Father found out about the engagement he tried to stop the wedding but Stella had her own money so he could do nothing. He postponed the wedding until Stella agreed to buy the house next door so that she could still take care of him. During all this Nessa and I were forced to chaperone. You can’t think how awful it is to sit between a couple whispering and trying to touch. I was so angry at Stella I broke my umbrella in half.
LEONARD Child chaperones? Whatever will they think of next?
VIRGINIA I know! I often think I’m the only one who isn’t crazy! Stella and Jack convinced the aunts that Nessa and I could accompany them properly to Bognor but immediately we got there they sent us two out into the rain so they could be alone. We were soaked to the skin!
LEONARD Was there no one who could speak for you?
VIRGINIA The old aunts were the worst of the lot. They curdled our brains with their falsehoods and their pieties. The wedding was the most horrible ordeal. Nessa and I resolved to be Stoic and show no emotion, as if it were nothing touching us. If ever you show feelings you are treated like a beast at the zoo and will never escape the cage. Thus we were buried beneath obligations, under torrents of uncomfortable clothes, awkward visits and unspeakable rituals. I think we are to be congratulated, you and I, that we sidestepped that whole mess so neatly.
LEONARD Yes, the registry office is so much better. It’s over so fast. But after the wedding?
VIRGINIA The happy couple went to Italy, and we were left alone with Father. He was awful to Nessa, how I hated him! He shouted at her as he’d shouted at Stella. But Nessa stood up to him, she was a rock, she didn’t care. That’s when she summoned up her supreme indifference. It’s the bane of all who love her.
LEONARD But Vanessa had no money of her own.
VIRGINIA No. If Stella hadn’t given us allowances we would have had to beg Father for every penny. And then Stella and Jack came home early because Stella was ill.
LEONARD What was wrong with her?
VIRGINIA Violet Dickinson told me Jack must have hurt her with his violent lovemaking. That he broke her somehow. But Violet was just a spinster, so what could she possibly know? The doctors called it appendicitis but you know what cretins they turned out to be. They couldn’t operate because of the baby – she was pregnant, of course. On the night she died, I was sleeping in her new house – in her dressing room in fact –
LEONARD You were sleeping in Stella’s dressing room?
VIRGINIA Yes, I’d been so ill, you see. I always got ill when people went away. But Stella was dying so they sent George to fetch me. George the over-fed pug dog, fat as a louse, beady-eyed as a rat. He wrapped me in Stella’s fur cape and carried me back to Father’s house.
LEONARD And then?
VIRGINIA Stella died and Jack was left bereaved. Now we had two widowers wailing. The men in our family hardly waited for the bodies to be buried before turning to their next victim. I remember Jack holding my wrist on one side so tightly he left bruises, and George holding me on the other side. I was trapped, you see, I couldn’t get away. George won so Jack settled on Nessa. They actually wanted to marry! I couldn’t believe it. I told Nessa, you can’t be serious! She said, “So you’re against me too,” and gave me a look that broke my heart. But she knew they couldn’t marry because of the Deceased Wife’s Sister’s Act.
LEONARD They could have married in France.
VIRGINIA That’s what they say about everything, that “the French get away with it.” Luckily it all blew over because Nessa was granted a place at the Slade. Then I was quite alone. George pounced immediately and began ordering clothes and jewels to release me into society. I was the sacrificial offering to his violent gusts of passion and his mean little piggy brain.
LEONARD
And then?
VIRGINIA
And then Father began to die and I went mad a little. After he died, I went mad a lot.
LEONARD
Well, it isn’t any wonder, from what I’ve heard. If you are mad then so am I.
VIRGINIA You can’t think how long I’ve waited for those words!
(she reaches out a hand to him – he clutches it and kisses it)
LEONARD
Dearest! You will always be my only love!
(they gaze at each other, both trembling with pent-up emotion)
VIRGINIA But darling, if Dr. Craig consigns me to deepest darkness you will have to marry someone else. You can’t waste your life waiting for me.
LEONARD That won’t happen. Craig says our future’s what we make of it.
VIRGINIA Oh, honey mongoose! Let’s make a pact right now to rise above the nay-sayers. You have given me all the best things I have ever had in life, rescued me from the cliff edge again and again. You have been absolutely perfect to me, and I have been disgraceful to you. You work so hard and I do nothing. It’s all my fault. I was mad and angry before I met you and I am madder and angrier right now. I want you to know that I do want to cuddle you but I don’t know how to show it. In spite of my vilest imaginings I’ve always known that I love you and that you love me.
(he leans his face towards her, she awkwardly moves closer and they kiss delicately)
LEONARD Virginia, I promise not to ever push you any farther than you want to go.
VIRGINIA Oh honey! And I promise to follow all your rules; early bed, milk for breakfast; just so long as I can always read and write.
(they embrace)
LEONARD
If ever you cease writing I shall divorce you immediately.
VIRGINIA
(laughing awkwardly as if she has forgotten how)
It’s a bargain. Oh, darling, shall we really have our own press and print all our own work?
LEONARD Yes, and some of your friends if they are good enough. You decide.
VIRGINIA
And can I have a bulldog, too? I’ve always wanted a bulldog pup.
LEONARD
Certainly, my pet.
VIRGINIA
And can we live in London? A new house all our own?
LEONARD
Not London but perhaps some leafy suburb.
VIRGINIA
Leonard! Suburbs!
LEONARD
Think of the bulldog, Virginia. He must have a healthful life.
VIRGINIA
You’re right of course, Leonard. You are always right.
LEONARD
Bulldogs need a place to roam.
VIRGINIA
Fresh air and food. Lots of good red steak.
LEONARD
May I order dinner now, Virginia? Surely, it’s time.
VIRGINIA Yes, Leonard.
(She clutches his hand fiercely while with his other he rings the bell) CURTAIN – END
Alysse Aallyn 