Alysse Aallyn

Category: #InnerLife

  • the Language of Butterflies – walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

    Danger = RISK, DESTRUCTION: “Online”

    “Face your fears” – Reaching out to others makes us vulnerable. We have to be trusting, and danger can be hard to recognize. It comes in forms we have never seen before; sometimes in forms no one’s ever seen before. Luckily, we are hardwired to perceive Danger. That doesn’t mean we will always perceive it, or even know which direction it’s coming from; Danger is a clever chameleon, prone to snares and disguise. But it does mean we should never put our “Danger perceptors” entirely to sleep the way others might demand – requesting an unnecessarily lavish display of trust. You will find those demanders frequently hold back a few cards themselves, sometimes for “our own good” but always for their own good.

    Challenge – Today we will examine “pushback”. While planning ways to intensify our presence in the world so that we can find our soulmate and our soulmate can find us, we must think about how much cooperation can we expect from the “universe” at large. Damn little! And why is that? Status quo? Inertia? Entropy? Too many dancers and too few partners? All of the above?

    In trying to create change are we water flowing downhill seeking a path “of least resistance” or are we more like an exhausted marathoner stumbling up a steep incline (in bad weather!)

    What will “resistance” against us look like and where will it come from? Most importantly, how will we react? Marathoners must conserve their strength. This course is unfamiliar: we have no idea what traps, snares and pitfalls lie ahead. How can we arm ourselves? One technique is to try not to take all this pushback personally. To do so might waste precious emotional resources. When we see others as preventing us from getting ahead, they see us as threatening their place in the world. “Resistance” may even be “blind” through Acts of God, devolution and just plain bad luck. We’re all familiar with the cataclysmic damage “being in the wrong place at the wrong time” can inflict.

    But if we are determined to move forward in our pursuit of a soulmate, we have committed ourselves to motion. Let us then “enlighten” and educate our intellect, studying what we might expect and strategizing how we can protect ourselves and achieve synchronicity.

    Don’t we secretly already know that our fear itself creates most monsters? And yet there ARE real things to be afraid of out there. For that reason, we need to face our fears squarely and list them, but we also need to honestly assess the risks. It never fails to surprise me that in exclusively online communications, people don’t make more of an effort to find out whether the other person is “real” or not. That can only be because they are enjoying the connection so enormously. It is filling a vacuum, and that pressure alone will render us willfully blind. The Buddhists counsel us to look at our emotions from a distance. Don’t judge them, don’t disregard them, simply observe them.

    It is “just” a feeling. It is OK to enjoy a conversation. But if the only reason you enjoy it is because you are entering into an impossible fantasy, danger signals should be flashing. No harm in running background checks! No harm in running this person’s “picture” through Google to see who they REALLY are – or aren’t. If the best conversations don’t happen with the masks off, then this person can’t be right for you.

    If we wish to build and not destroy, we will need a fellow engineer as committed as we are to the physics of existence – what behaviors enhance growth and flourishing, and what techniques gut and wither. Narcissists in particular try to entrap through “love bombing” – demonstrating dazzle & commitment far too soon. If it looks like “overkill” it probably is. We don’t want to be “killed” period! A healthy suspicion keeps you questioning – and on the road to reality.

    Online

    I quested
    You bested.
    I texted
    You sexted.
    I posted
    You ghosted
    I roasted

  • The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

    Synchronicity = What We Need to Learn: “Synching up”


    How do couples get “in synch”? How much of it is conscious? Synchronicity is more than symbiosis, more than coincidence. Like all true serendipity it contains an element of magic. If the bubbling primordial stew hadn’t brought the right ingredients together at the right time, life as we know I simply couldn’t have begun.


    There’s always a strong element of synchronicity in teamwork, as in all collaborative enterprises. We become sensitive to the rhythms of the other. Feel the rise and fall of the others’ energy and must exactly time our moment to chime in.


    It’s the Trust Game writ large across the heavens; the magic of need producing the miracle of response creates the synchronicity of Life.


    Think about your interpersonal relationships as a series of concentric circles. There are people on the outmost rings whom we recognize but exchange no words with and know nothing about, down to the closest, tightest ring, where we maybe know too much about those people, possibly feel stifled, even a bit unchallenged by their presence in our lives. And our closest relationships may actually merge into our own space, until we can’t tell where we end and the other person begins.

      Remember what it takes to achieve friendship – Are there once-close people whom we have banished to the outer distance? How did that happen? Any people we long to bring closer who seem stubbornly resistant to our charms? Do we notice any pattern in the way we relate to others? A favorite game therapists play is “Find the Father/Mother”. In other words, are we recreating any original family dynamics with other people we may know? (Critic, sugar daddy, permission giver, etc.)

      This game can be extended to “Find the Sibling” as we study ways to become competitive by conspiring against a “common enemy” with fellow workers or even friends. Let’s make the effort to become more conscious, less rigid. We’re going to “work” this circle. It is not going to “work” us!

      Being “in synch” requires understanding where the other person is coming from and feeling confident that they understand where you’re coming from. (And going to.) Do you enjoy learning? You’d better, because we have a lot of it ahead of us. Horribly, some people decide to settle down because THEY’RE TIRED OF LEARNING. They yearn for unchanging, static conditions! Yet your soulmate represents an entirely new world, and between the two of you, you will be creating another one. So there will be lots of learning going on.

      If you are really phobic about “learning” new things, now’s your time to figure out why. It may be that you hate “tests”, (a perfectly acceptable human reaction to stress conditions) but you love gaming. In other words, YOU REALLY LOVE TO LEARN, aren’t afraid of challenges and relish the acquisition of new skills and worldviews, but you had BAD SCHOOLING EXPERIENCES.

      You can see that’s entirely different, but it’s still helpful to know. The more your partnership resembles “school’ (with one of you as teacher/judge) the more unpleasant it’s going to be.

      So prepare to match your quest to the type of exploration you LIKE to do and most importantly, talk about it. Your partner can’t read your mind and people are often shy and can’t find the words to quantify their emotion. But between the two of you will FIGURE IT OUT. “I don’t know what I’m feeling – maybe panic with a dash of dread?” you can help each other to analyze and assess. You’ll be talking not just about your relationship, but every relationship either of you has ever had. “I’m afraid to look back/talk or even think about this,” is an acceptable opening bid. And throughout this process, you’ll get closer.

      Leaving the Coven

      A craven of cronies stood
      Between us & God
      God hated short skirts, God
      Demands clones.

      A damnation of judges
      Stood between us &
      Knowledge; truth exists
      Only in service to others.

      A clowder of cretins
      Stood between us &
      Art: “Don’t be disturbing”
      “Never trust instincts.”

      From the depths of
      This oubliette
      You drank the koolaid
      Guaranteeing your survival

      Cherishing passion
      Rescuing me –
      As I rescued you
      So I could grow up
      And write this poem.

    1. The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

      Peace=SERENITY “Everything Will Work Out”


      What does it mean to have confidence in the future? We know the most attractive thing about others is “confidence.” Unfortunately, confidence can be faked, so there are a lot of people who believe that’s all it is: a shiny shop window. But if the goods don’t match the advertising, frustration and anger sets in.

        We’re looking for the long-term – immortality in fact – which can be achieved by two souls in perfect synch. We want to exude not just confidence but serenity. We want to be the person it’s peaceful and re-charging to be around because THAT person is VERY attractive.


        That kind of serenity and confidence comes from communing with the eternal. Yes, you’re going to have to “iron out” your philosophy BEFORE you find your soulmate. Christians satisfy themselves by getting to know God. Buddhists bathe in eternity itself. Karma is the “vibe” you send – if it is a peaceful one, it will come back to you.


        Peace is the absence of strife; a sense of repletion and comfort. It is less active than joy, and people are actually afraid of it, the way they’re afraid of heaven. If everything’s already achieved, then isn’t hope dead? That’s why they stir things up by taking pokes at people. Develop a concept of “peace”. A related concept is “plenty” and another is “enough.”


        When you are not actively looking for attachment, when you are feeling “enough”, people flock to you. It is because of that very sense of being “at peace” with yourself. Others want that sense for themselves, they are intensely attracted to a peaceful aura, which comes across as confidence, even if you haven’t got a single accomplishment to brag about. People like that are a relief…a relaxation…a vacation to be around.

        Can a sense of peace be “faked”? Obviously not. Time – and it doesn’t take much time – will fast reveal the truth. Much less trouble to cultivate ACTUAL peace. How do we do that? Through the calming disciplines of mindfulness, yoga and gratitude cultivation. If we can demonstrate that we are open to joy, people inevitably desire what we have.


        We are creatures of hope. If we sharpen ourselves against others as if they were cuttle bones, isn’t the absence of effort an absence of self-definition? We would just sink back into the undifferentiated mass of persons as into a heavenly cloud, all light, without defining shadow. Stop worrying! This is just “semantics” because Peace makes no sense without love and love is active. Harmony is desirable; disharmony is not. Listening to a cacophony is wearisome after the first few seconds, while harmonics, however subtle and complex, produce feelings of rightness, joy and Peace.


        What if we lose confidence and serenity?
        Doubt is human. Uncertainty is human. We armor ourselves with our belief in the promises of the eternal.

        But isn’t doubt disabling? At what point can we just relax? Most Americans think confidence comes from a track record of rewarded accomplishments. In pursuit of a soulmate, let’s imagine you in conversation with a stranger. As you’re wondering about them and trying to get to know them, you rapidly realize that spouting your resume and listening while they brag is NOT, actually, informative communication. What you really want to do is get a “feel for the other person’s “essence.”


        Are they “itchy? Restless? Or are they yearning for peace? If so, you can work with that! Experiment by “relaxing together.”

        Soulstice

        In this the Purgatory of the year
        the crystal cracks the future clear
        The fire maple stands unleaved
        And stalks the bony breast of earth bereaved;
        The sap within the corpse unseen
        Boils up a ready dynamo of green;
        The fetal fish child stirs and yawns
        An equinoctial birthday dawns.
        This is the zero hour when
        Our future dances with its end
        This winter music, echoless
        Raised up the chalice that is Us
        He gives, we are the offerings
        Unto the center and the focus of all things.

      1. The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

        The Lovers = ALLIANCES: “Best Friends”


        Becoming a lover forges an alliance for the future. We’re not talking of two raindrops crashing into each other for sex, but a mutual declaration of interest and benefit. Spend today thinking about past alliances; not just love relationships but all alliances dreamed of, suggested, made and broken.


        What hopes, plans and fears did we enter (and exit) with? What mistakes were made? The first thing that jumps out to us is that power differentials create more problems than they solve. An alliance needs to be a two-way street; any hint of “exploitation” turns it into a different kind of relationship entirely.

        Alliances must be freely chosen, with consequences fully appreciated and maturely understood. How often in life is this even possible for us? Sometimes we are limited by the power of our imaginations as well as the resilience of our hearts. Alliances should also be freely exited but how often does THAT happen? How often do our passions (and perceived needs) fall short of our principles and how much shame does this knowledge engender? And then there are issues of temperament: to what extent can introverts/extroverts hope to change their stripes?


        Think about your deepest and most rewarding friendships. You’re looking for a special kind of Best Friend, after all, so it only makes sense that most of the components appearing in your friendships will be found in your soulmate as well. Will you appreciate some of the same things? Speak the same language? Have the same values? Laugh at the same jokes? Share fears and dreams? Expose your worst/best? You still want all that! Because you need an Ally. An ally reliably comes to your defense, as you fearlessly come to theirs.

        An ally is someone you can rely on. It means you must be honest with that person, and we all know how hard that is, especially when you can’t figure out the truth, yourself. You’re feeling your way and you need a sympathetic ear. You know you will have to be their sympathetic ear as well because otherwise what you have isn’t a partnership, it’s an autocracy. Autocrats are lied to and cheated on and they die alone. That’s not what gratifies the soul. You are looking for someone who holds the key to You and by astonishing coincidence, you will hold the key to them, as well.


        The Duel

          Europe without you
          Was a funeral feast.
          I recall the procession of your letters
          Far better than
          The stream of luckless suitors
          Trying to distract me.
          Virgins aren’t distractible.
          Your seductive missives stalked me.
          Your fatal ploy was that nude picture
          Adam lonely in his garden.
          I came right home.
          I well recall the ceremonies
          Of that night!
          Your shyness
          My perfume
          Our ignorance
          Your penis
          Soft as a
          Messenger dove that folds
          To a familiar hand –
          Then wild and hard as
          A riderless horse.
          I did cry out as the candles burned.
          I swear there were some moments when
          We actually saw each other.
          But if this magic sword cuts both ways
          Why was I the only bleeder?
          They peeled me off
          Dropping me down miles
          Of antiseptic hallway –
          A princess in a bucket.
          It could have ended there
          But at your school I haunted you
          A chilly-breasted demon.
          My daytime incarnation seemed mature:
          I fooled you;
          We chatted as you prepared the skin.
          I bit down hard and
          Tasted only
          Suture wire.
          You wrote and broke off
          Our association.
          The years groaned by
          Like convicts chained
          We served our terms with no time off
          For bad behavior.
          Lust had luster,
          Excrement had ecstasy.
          The castaways the whirlwind
          Flung upon the sand
          Were calm, polite –
          We knew our way around.
          That look you gave me!
          Our unborn children shivered
          In their sausage skins
          Suddenly aware
          Their time had come.
          The tale was done
          The frog-mask
          Shivered off
          We saw:
          The you of you
          The me of me –
          Masks
          Unmirrored –
          Scars
          Unscored
          Virgins not but
          Innocence
          Restored.

        1. The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

          Inspiration=INTUITION “Shock Pool”

            We are trying to choose, that means cultivating discernment. What is “discernment”? It really means just any
            old soulmate won’t do. But how do we cultivate
            the skills of discernment? Well, a major one is intuition. It is intuition that leads to “inspiration” ; that sudden “knowing” – ‘I feel like I’ve known him all my life.
            Science says we subconsciously collect subliminal signals.

            The danger comes from a cultural problem
            that women have been encouraged to bond with men they’re not chemically attracted to but might be seen as a “good fit” for social reasons, and discouraged from developing their sexual intuition. Guess what? You won’t find your soulmate that way!

            Men, however, make too many life decisions based on status or surface impressions – they don’t wait
            around to perceive “the beauty within.” The moral of this conundrum is: Pay attention to your gut, but don’t allow your gut to boss you! Question it. Think about it. Think of the love you have received in your life and where it came from. Sometimes love potential reveals itself slowly.

            The magic of the Garden comes from Inspiration. Inspiration is the breath the Life Force moves through us – we can’t summon it and we can’t control it. When lost, we greatly mourn its absence. But when we feel its power we are elevated above ourselves. We feel we can do anything we choose. Afterwards we wake feverish, as if from a dream. As every artist and designer knows, work is more than Inspiration, but without its occasional visits work is nothing; tasteless, lifeless and void.

            Artists always have a strong sense that inspiration comes from the “outside”, not from anything “within”. It uses the component of our minds and lives and forces us to “reach outwards” into the universe of resources to answer its call. Art without inspiration is just plain hard work. Unfortunately, there will be many times Inspiration sketches out a plan and then moves on. We know the plan is Inspired but now we must implement it! Late nights & elbow grease! Inspiration can be compared to Love. Both unaccountably come and go. Just because one isn’t feeling momentarily loving about a soulmate doesn’t mean that Love has Fled – in fact it usually just means we’re facing an onslaught of effort. Life is an uphill battle – 90% Hard Slog, alas. If we’re Ten Percent Inspired we’re in the high numbers! Love (and inspiration) will return. In the meantime we’ll have to treasure the memory and blueprint a Future Plan. Discuss.

            Shock Pool

            Bored by their game
            From my perch I watched them,
            Dismantling rules, I
            Wrote down their patterns
            In gold-crested diaries. I was
            Weary of history and

            Pole-axed by Europe –
            I was affrighted
            By what mattered frightfully.
            Culture-Mad-Mother
            Forced us to look
            Then forced us to blink;

            Her timing was off.
            Father dreamed oceans –
            Encapsulating daughters
            In unsinkable Fiberglas
            Against the madness of Nature
            Loathing masculine privilege; I

            Disliked you on sight
            Insulted by proctoring
            You must be divested of
            Corduroys, wingtips, tweed
            & leather; we posed under waterfalls
            For Swedish love bibles.

            Clove-scented ecstasies
            Kindled my fevers at
            The moment of quenching them;
            Sweeping West – you pulled the Atlantic –
            Drowning us both in the riptide you created.
            The captain lied when he said

            We’d go home. Lubricated by champagne, you
            Peeled off my shock-pants
            and asked me to marry you.
            Since then illusion scorched into reality
            Providing the universe
            With plenty to write.

          1. The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

            Creativity : “Harness your Uniqueness”

              When searching for your soulmate this is no time to “blend with the crowd.” You need to discover exactly who you are so you can seek your complementary and missing elements. If you are uncertain or mistaken about your essential self, you won’t even recognize The One. You will be guaranteed to choose a partner based on false considerations of status or appearance. This requires you stop hiding your true self and allow it to emerge. Easier said than done! Turns out we all have been babying the shyly unique aspects of ourselves that don’t win instant recognition from the crowd. Well, we are going to have to experiment with taking Baby out for daily strolls and develop a bit of muscle. Don’t worry if the “likes” fall away – you are not trying to appeal to everyone. The creativity card means you will need to become imaginative in how you present yourself. You want someone accepting? Be accepting. You want someone brave? Be brave. You want someone who looks deeper? Look deeper.

              Fire In the Dust

              In photographs
              The ladies scream or laugh
              It’s hard to tell
              Heads back they bare their
              Grief or joy or
              Agonized relief
              It’s hard to tell.
              All that remains of them
              Tattered icons growing ever dim.

              The fountains of our fear
              Leap high at first, like dancers
              Frozen at first burst
              Of freedom
              Paralyzed abreast
              The arc
              We cannot see
              What tortuous sign these fossils
              Meant to be.

              In that first winter
              We thought the earth was dead
              Statues mated
              Trees erupted dragonflies
              The angry lonely
              Sang and cried.
              Somewhere some fetus twists and jerks
              Convergence of dynastic quirks

              So drop the toxic cloak of bitter spite that
              Melts the flesh and terrorizes night –
              Waiting out a cycle’s sum
              Spinning down to kingdom come.
              For nothing vain, came nothing plain
              This world was born
              To live again.

            1. The Language of Butterflies – Walking the Path of Attachment with Alysse Aallyn

              MELT into the space your desire creates: “You Got This”


              You’ve realize the immensity of your need and the enormity of the challenge. You’ve looked into your capacities and they just don’t seem to match your expectations. Now you’re scared and feeling hopeless. I’m here to remind you to “relax.” Melt into the space your desire has created. Untense those muscles because fear and hysteria, rage and feelings of worthlessness all work against us.

              Realize somewhere out there your Soulmate is feeling all these things also. This is a process you need to go through, in order to recognize the vastness of the challenge ahead. This is your time in the desert, where you will be tested. This guarantees that when your and your Beloved melt together your success will be all the sweeter. Of necessity to valuing the Other is the realization that, although there may be plenty of fish in the sea, you need a very particular fish.


              HAUNTED WEDDING
              The pregnant car disgorges
              Only us. It’s winter.
              Drunk as silver fish
              We beat our gills as light
              As hummingbirds.
              In an amethyst ring
              Of drypoint trees
              The half-built house
              Gapes and swells
              Its timbers stink of sap.
              Windrill fields occlude
              Our crossing, so you carry me
              High above the thorny osiers.
              We sleep aloft for safety
              Locked and levitating
              In this space of air
              One season only,
              Unseen by angry outriders;
              Bloodless in our wedding robes
              Like the doubled membranes
              Of the frozen flowers.

              1. The Language of Butterflies – the Path of Attachment by Alysse Aallyn

                POWER: “Doubling”

                  We are filled with the excitement and power of acquisition and multiplicity. We will finally have a helper, an interpreter, an enabler, a sharer. A Second Self with its rich promise of Difference – different memories, body type, fantasies, wishes, dreams – we can indulge ourselves in. We can’t wait to get going and find this person who promises us wings and immortality! The potential sexual ecstasy alone is keeping us up nights. Imagine thoroughly exploring another and being thoroughly explored yourself – with a lifetime to do it in. We can’t yet speak the language of butterflies, but we can imagine it. We are giving ourselves wings. With such commitment, every moment becomes a lifetime. We think we may have discovered the secret of eternal youth, to see and be seen through the eyes of love.

                  Angel Clothes

                  You are like a ripe peach
                  Swollen in the summer of your life
                  And as the peach surrounds its stone
                  Your skeleton enwombs your soul
                  But thinly.
                  I often see it shining
                  Through the hollows in your cheeks.
                  I need your body
                  Need to know its shadows
                  Sound its pleasures
                  But as the stone
                  Though small at first
                  Must grow; feeds off the dying peach
                  So your spirit will transhume your flesh
                  Disgorge it in
                  A thousand peaches a thousand summers a
                  Thousand eternities more beautiful than
                  You or I

                1. The Language of Butterflies – the Path of Attachment by Alysse Aallyn

                  The Life Force – “Why do we need each other?”


                  Parents can watch this need for The Reciprocal Other awaken. At about the age of two the infant, who has belonged to the parents and who has felt like part of them, begins to show a lot of interest in the outside world. But when she sees a pint-sized someone exactly like herself, a certain sparkle comes into her eyes. She wants to clutch, bond with, play with that person. Hang on, because now the thrill-ride is beginning, the search Plato described as our search for our Missing Half. Mating behavior is an even more powerful driver in biology than feeding needs. Mating drives species to extravagant displays of seemingly dangerous behaviors, obsessive building, fighting and positioning. Species who mate for life put themselves through complex effort to secure The One. So this is biology, folks. You are in the grips of an instinctual drive it is pointless to resist. Hang on, and let’s make sure your brain becomes engaged.

                    Sex cadets

                    I shall orchestrate your life I say
                    Make your blood sing woodwind
                    Stretch my nerve harp-tight
                    Across your exo-shell
                    While you, heart racer
                    Put me through my paces
                    Pushing your muscle through
                    The gates of my life
                    Pushing past theories
                    of the pluperfect poetical
                    pushing like
                     a downhill artist
                    the speed racer you claim to be
                    Speed  devil
                    Speed demon
                    Speed dreamer.

                  1. The Language of Butterflies: the Path of Attachment by Alysse Aallyn

                    The Language of Butterflies: the Path of Attachment by Alysse Aallyn

                    Assess your potential to connect. We wake alone, but we are on the path of Attachment. Ask yourself; do you seek balanced, indestructible attachment, synchronous, not disharmonic relationship; a connection that is symbiotic, not exploitative. If the answer is Yes, you are on the path of Paradise.

                    How can we achieve these goals? First, we must understand and accept our Self, our Ego, with all its quirks and flaws, needs and yearnings, limits and possibilities. Then we must understand the Other; the Lover. We must attune ourselves to the structure of their yearning to begin to construct our duet, our dance. After that we must negotiate the rapids of relationship with each other and with the outside world. Danger! Excitement! Ecstasy! Despair…Compassion.
                    Union.

                    We are caterpillars, you and I, attempting to learn the language of butterflies. We are unprepossessing creatures, daily absorbed in infantile needs of eating and excreting, but we have a firm promise of a future in which we stretch our gorgeous wings.

                    Paradise

                    Without eyes

                    Ambitious goldfish float

                    Dream of skies

                    Where fins are wings

                    Lily pads are clouds

                    Swollen tight

                    as seed pearls; gullets

                    Safe forever from

                    vengeful squid or

                    Killer waves.

                    Who can say if in their time of death

                    Those dreams don’t live

                    Bursting skin;
                    Trailing comets,

                    Scattering scales like stars

                    Spilling the pond and soaring limitless

                    To be whales

                    To be gods

                    To be free?