Category: #InnerLife

Party Castle – Mon 9 July 79 – 7:50 PM

                                     26 hours without T. Spoke to him last night and 

again this afternoon. His acceptance of me is total, but it comes from a position of strength and I have fears of being annihilated.

Last nightI experienced hallucinatory states – drove home the wrong way – felt something was happening to the car – re-experienced my swallowing problem. Resolved my panic by starting a poem.

                                     Sat night Toss and I read the diary passages where we lost our “divinity” (his word) together. He cried and told me what he’d felt like from his “side”, wanting to be male & in control, feeling helpless & immature. Agreed if we had married then we’d be divorced now. 

11:05PM  Trying to read Oneness & Separateness. Not well suited to me right now! Much as I want to be a mother the thought of a demanding infant between me & T now is truly horrifying. Insane fears of rejection and abandonment – why on earth should I trust this man? Called T at work! 

 Complete craziness. He reassured me we will have private alone time –

-a real vacation in the Berkshires. He said champagne arrived. 

Called A & we discussed Mom & Dad – how they rewarded “self-sufficiency” and responded to neediness coldly. Makes it hard to be honest now but 

I hate this weirdly formal relationship with my own parents.

Avril says there is no retraining them.

Sat 14 July 79 – StormFall Farm – 11:15 PM

                                     Oh, my God who would believe it – here I am 11 

years later!  Told T about my uncle last night as we made sexual 

“confessions”. He was completely calm about it so it’s no longer a 

Big Secret. He insisted I read his ex-girlfriend’s letters.  She was a 

Piper Cub to his Concorde, believe me. He kept carbons of his letters to her!!!! Not very loving letters – but downright fatherly. In a bad way.

                                    T’s actual father and he smoked cigars last night 

after dinner leaning against the mantel – they were so beautiful together I felt stunned. Wrote a poem: 

MY HUSBAND SMOKES CIGARS WITH HIS FATHER 

BY CANDLELIGHT

Your profiles cut my heart like glass.

Go ahead. I’m a bleeder, I’ll

Still be here when you look back.

Your father is a silver-headed

Walking-stick; his elongation glows with far less heat.

You’re his nemesis; and he’s used to it.

The wooden floors are washed cornelian

Perhaps by sunset

Perhaps by jealousy of girls who

Lost you; judged too soon the temper of your eyes

Wrote too many letters or

Not enough; the wrong kind

Addressed to the pale law student with

The cinderblock heart;

Traveling commentator with the hundred

Dollar bill rolled inside his shoe,

The long-haired Pinkerton guard.

You learned to suck the cherries

Scarless from the tree; it’s no mean art

Broke a few at first; we all did.

By what right am I the winner?

You chose me in thirty seconds leaving

 enough time to smoke another cigar.

                                     Everyone wants us to marry before May. But I feel I need some time in Kentucky first. Toss told me last night that on paper he is a millionaire. Here’s luck, because if I keep on keeping on, I’m a pauper! 

                                     Tom’s grandmother’s response was “I am not surprised.” 

 She committed herself to reading my  published “thriller”. 

                                     At dinner he announced I’m the only woman he’s ever wanted to marry. Tom’s dad said he thought his son would be a bachelor forever. 

Privately we affirmed absolute sexual fidelity forever. Will we be able to keep it?

Plush Palace – Wed 18 July 79 – 4:55 PM

                                              Boring day but good tips. Magnificent party at 

The Third Edition last night for Avril’s birthday. (I didn’t care for Avril’s latest “honey” Vigo but was secretly furious at myself – she should date as widely as possible. 

Maybe I was affected by T who is a snob and a purist.) Drinks, fruit & cheese – then dinner at The Old Angler & Frank Langella in Dracula. (Not a good version.)

                                              “Finances” discussion with T. He talked me out of selling my car. I worry about being dependent on him but he says it will be fine. 

Sounds to me like he is living on a knife’s edge – working part time, going to law school, selling stock when he needs money (which he is loathe to do being naturally frugal.) Too tired to make love last night but we started up in the middle of the night – both asleep. Unknown doors keep opening – then there’s another one.

Castle – 1 PM – Thurs 19 July 79

                                     So happy I can’t take it all in. Feel like someone 

recovering from a long illness. Read Cheever’s Goodbye My Brother – as satisfying as a novel. Last night we made love for hours and hours but –

I just couldn’t come – kept holding his face saying, “Is it really you”? Dancing with Barbara the Kikuyu and blonde Joyce of the day-glo costumes that light up in the dark. 

3 PM Party Castle – 24 July 79

                                     First real friction last night – very predictably, about my job. I’m irritated over the assumption that its sordid and brutalizing. It is totally NOT the same as the dancers in DC!!! LIFE certainly CAN be sordid and brutalizing – but I like this club because it ISN’T and I’ve tried others. We discussed HIS job of muckraker/professional advocate which also has its sordid and corrupting aspects. 

Duh. His last girlfriend gave him shit about it (and refused to read his newspaper!)

So it’s a sore point. He should really understand. There was a horrible moment when he felt foreign and alien – but I expected it – too much intimacy always causes a backlash. Trying to read Sisters & Strangers.  The Victorian novel is not yet dead.