Category: Murder Confessions

  • Woman Into Wolf

    Chapter Two – Cadaver Hunting

    Beneath the ice of sleep, the dream world rages lush and powerful. Real life glowed faintly, inviting her from the depths, but Persey turned away. The Bird Lady, dead by the time Persey turned ten, was found only here. In the real world the past had vanished; but in dreams everything continues forever.


    In the inky depths below her something shivered, transmitting a humming, like a hive. As she flew above a well she gazed down, and a Thing blinked back at her. She understood it waited to be granted form. Without shape it could never emerge.


    Persey never had dreams turn sour. Was this a nightmare, then? The eyes regarded her with peculiar intensity, Digger’s very expression when he tried to plant thoughts into her mind.
    The thing soared across the abyss and lapped her with its tongue. Gasping “Don’t let it out!” she opened her eyes.

    It was Digger, of course, voyaging all the way to sleep to pull her out. She smiled and rubbed his black and tan head, whispering in his silky ears, “The more I know people, the better I love my Digger.”


    If Digger was in the bed that meant Roy was gone, because Digger never dared ascending when the alpha male was around. A hundred dollar bill adorned Roy’s pillow. Fun money. Play money. Probably he returned to the party guaranteed to go all night long. He would help Jarod with both fallout and mop-up; emotional, legal, environmental – you name it.
    She was alone in the black and white bedroom lit to brilliance by multiple skylights, a room decorated only with nude photographs of herself. This was a private place and it was bliss to be alone; to spend the day playing, entertaining any idea flitting past, without worrying what others might read on her face.


    Waiting for coffee in the rose granite and green marble kitchen, Persey stared out at the silent woods and summoned her unsettled thoughts. That man was at the forefront. That man who had so satisfyingly aroused her last night, now she was angry at him. He probably thought she was a dummy. He had lectured, showing off, while she stood silent. A slow burn suffused her body.
    How he had postured, describing the life of a criminal profiler! He knew nothing about her, probably cared less. He’d guessed things about her, hazarding that she couldn’t be married to a cop (that was God’s truth, anyway.) This woman who prided herself on mystery was surprised that he saw wifehood.

    After all she adorned her fingers with opals only, that unlucky stone. He couldn’t know that the Bird Lady once told her that which is unlucky for other people would always be lucky for her. The stranger proclaimed aloud his terrible curse:


    “Women like you are never free.”


    She should have smacked him, she could see now.
    Never free! She was the freest creature on the planet. He knew nothing.


    Let others drudge in offices; she spent her days playing, she and Digger adventured wherever they chose. She glanced at her watch. It was still too early to call Cinda and Bish to find out how they’d survived the party. She tried to warn them but they’d begged for invites – Jarod’s gatherings being legendary – and because Roy refused to host them this was the only way Persey could return their many kindnesses. She was especially worried about Bish, a poet, an intellectual, with a high voice and a Scottish kilt. Frankly she was afraid they would eat him alive; but maybe he would like that. You never could tell.


    With luck, all they would have this morning was ruined clothing and a matching pair of hangovers.
    They’re adults, thought Persey, I told them I always leave early and they’d have to look after themselves. But guilt didn’t depart so easily. Maybe Roy was right and “friends” were more trouble than they were worth: “People gettin’ into our business.” But he had Jarod. He didn’t mind Jarod getting into his business; quite the reverse, since in fact, he’d recently made him partner. To Roy this was different – they had been blood-brothers since Special Forces – saved each other’s lives repeatedly to hear them tell it. And the fact that Jarod was a cop smoothed Roy and Persey’s existence in countless ways.


    Thinking of Jarod was disgusting and unpleasant and she didn’t have to do it today. Today was a day marked out for adventure. Since she was decently clothed in camisole and flannel shorts she could brave the binoculars of neighbors to carry her coffee out to the cool deck where she settled in an Adirondack chair to examine the county map.


    That man! The things she could have told him! He had no idea she was an orienteer in college, for example. Much of what he described – like making a grid search– she had already done or knew how to do. She unfolded the county map and tried to locate the “body dumps” he’d told her about, just off the Green Trail. Both corpses turned out to be prostitutes from Philadelphia, a good hour’s drive away. What were the odds?


    She knew he was trying to scare her when he implied a serial killer might have descended on their bucolic neighborhood. There was no crime worth mentioning around here; even Jarod had a hard time scaring up enough drug dealers to constitute a full day’s work. What was that man’s name? Ned McSomething. His own bosses didn’t believe his premise that only a local would know the trails at night. Bodies dumped in plain sight might indicate others, better hidden. The smart thing to do would be to search; but the higher-ups forbade.


    So he’d found a pretty girl at a party to complain to about his bosses; not uncommon, in Persey’s experience. To a man, every woman was a sounding board.


    When she’d mentioned she and Digger often ventured off the Green Trail, because she preferred her dog leashless, he’d actually had the nerve to tell her to stay out of the woods.


    One thing Mr. Stay-Out-of-the-Woods hadn’t bothered to find out about her was her appetite for exploration. In the course of it, she’d learned something she bet he didn’t know. Close by the Green Trail was an abandoned utility easement. She and Digger avoided it because it was partially swamp, but it was a great place for four-wheeling. The key to behavioral profiling, McSomething had said, was to think like a criminal. How hard could that be? Killers were just people determined to evade the consequences of their actions; everybody had tried that. Serial killers were the most interesting, he’d said, because they were the smartest. That made them Big Game, the most fun to catch.


    Thinking like a guy with a body on his hands, Persey asked herself, who would carry a body if they didn’t have to? That easement must cross the road somewhere; but frankly she had no idea where.

    From the top of Tallwood Drive she recalled seeing the pylons. There was a cliff on which the houses teetered, but she welcomed challenge. It would be fun. They were a perfect team; her innate sense of direction and Digger’s inborn affinity for dead things. God bless him, he just loved digging them up.


    Draining her caffeine allowed her to fantasize about the pleasure of being proved right, summoning up Ned’s impressed face when she told him; his condescension sparking, however grudgingly, to appreciation. She was thirty- three, coming into what the Bird Lady called her “power time”, her life’s most important gifts should be emerging soon. She had wished lifelong for some kind of talent others would remark on; anything besides her looks. Good looks seemed to be the one thing everyone desired, but Persey had learned from experience what a weak prop they were on which to hang a life.


    Taking her coffee upstairs, she changed to sweatshirt and jeans, Ned’s card in one pocket, cell phone in another. This one time it could be a valuable tool instead of Roy’s annoying tracking mechanism. How many cell phones had she “lost” in an effort to dodge surveillance?
    She grabbed a water bottle and stopped in the garage for one of Roy’s machetes. When she opened the garage door Digger began dancing in anticipatory excitement. Truth to tell, Persey felt the same way.


    Tallwood Drive was a street of McMansions with Frenchified roofs and Palladian windows. Judging by the amount of play equipment in the yards, the neighborhood appealed to parents with very young children, but there seemed to be no one home anywhere, as if a bad fairy had struck everyone invisible the moment they signed the mortgage papers. The children played elsewhere while the parents toiled. Or perhaps they were all in meetings with divorce mediators and social workers quarreling as tight money wove its anhedonic spell. In any case, it was to Persey’s benefit that the place was deserted. She parked at the end of the cul de sac.


    Not even the most primitive path to the woods was visible from the street. People with houses like these expect trails to be manicured, but Persey preferred the road less taken. Wasn’t that the point of a life free from deadlines and performance reviews? She had all the time in the world for crazy things like this. Even if she found nothing, what did it matter? What Detective McKick didn’t know couldn’t puff him up with superiority. It would be just another walk for Persey where hers was the only footprint. And there would be plenty of other places left to search.
    She escorted Digger boldly through one of the side yards, choosing the garage side where the developer scrimped on windows. If someone challenged her for being on private property, she could say Digger had jumped the leash. She had one in her pocket, just in case. But she must have felt some residual guilt, because she jumped at the sight of a still figure that turned out to be a tarpaulin-shrouded barbecue. On the scale of misdemeanors, walking through

    someone’s side yard was nothing to feel especially guilty about. But the Bird Lady used to say that the people who have the most reason to feel guilty never do. They leave that to the rest of us.
    A squirt of adrenalin was pleasurable, in fact. Was this what the killer felt as he lugged his smelly prize? Wondering whether this would provoke the final confrontation? She could feel the addiction potential. Easier to focus on that rather than the emotional impact of an actual corpse.
    Truth be told, Persey was kind of squeamish about some things. She hated horror movies and preferred polishing silver while Jarod and Roy indulged in a slasher flick. Her frame of reference about death was constructed by the Bird Lady. In childhood they’d presided over so many animal funerals. The dead are part of the landscape, the Bird Lady would say, and we all benefit. Mud to mud, so to speak.


    In the woods, the going got rough. Persey tried to use the machete as little as possible, but even so, her arm was getting sore. If only she had four legs, like Digger. The angle downhill was approaching ninety-degrees. Well, she had picked out the hardest path first. Once she got through this, everything else would seem easy by comparison. That made it a good place to start.
    Persey told Digger, who believed everything she said, “The only way forward is through.”

    When she reached the bottom of the hill, she was so exhausted she was trembling and Digger was covered with burrs. Ahead of them was the swamp, where the massive electric pylons danced in a line, buzzing faintly just like the Thing in her dream. She’d got that right, anyway. This ready-made path was something only a local would know. From this angle could see it must cross Bread and Milk Road somewhere. Even if she found nothing, she would locate the entrance and tomorrow search from the other end.


    She began laboriously tracking back and forth across the swamp in a zigzag, jumping from burdock to burdock muddying her sneakers up to the ankle. As in dreams, time became meaningless. Alpha waves, the Bird Lady used to say, told you your calling. Time disappeared and you and the task became one. It was like sex, really.


    No sign anyone had been through here recently, electric company personnel included; the path was overgrown. Digger was enjoying himself enormously. Fur that had once been tan and brown was now all brown. His whiskers drooped with mud. He looked more like a chocolate lab than an Airedale.


    The smell alerted her. At first she thought it might be swamp stink: decaying vegetation. But as she closed in she knew exactly what it was, and her hunter’s heart sped up. At long-ago summer camp, the counselors used a decaying sheep’s head soaked in poison to attract and assassinate bugs. Called “The Big Stinky,” the smell was powerful enough to repel humans. Just thinking about

    that odor could turn you inside out. But the bugs loved it, flocking joyously to their deaths.
    And the bugs loved this. With the stench came motion, a whirling yellowed boil of maggots. It seemed the flesh was melting as she watched.


    Persey blanched, but Digger rushed forward to join the carnival of worms. Persey barked “Stay!” and Digger halted, searching her face guiltily.
    The only human part she could see was a hand, a hand so bizarrely normal, it was just like a person taking a nap under a blizzard of worms. Chipped red nail polish and one wrist encased in dangling white plastic. Around what should have been the face a seething mass of maggots reveled furiously; the mouth gagged open to reveal one gold tooth. Was this the buzzing hive that stalked Persey’s dreams?


    Sudden fear knocked the wind out of her; it was easier to collapse than think such thoughts. She put her head between her legs and saw even the grass beneath her flecked with red. She panicked; fearing radiating lines of death rushing from the corpse to infect her, but looking closer she saw the red was not blood, but tiny scarlet cone-shaped mushrooms, sprung up to drink the dew. Until this moment it had been a game, a way for her to flaunt her secret expertise. Roy – and more importantly his mother, Babe – were always awaiting the pregnancy announcement. They were horrified merely by the effort of an ordinary run; imagine what they’d think of this.

    She gagged back vomit, thinking of the baby she would never have. Those two blew past all her objections. She had no right to like her life just the way it was. But her secret weapon was Roy, she knew him better than his mother did. Two unhappy childhoods were enough, and he couldn’t stand competition. The baby idea was just to pacify Babe. When the fertility doctor failed to find her IUD and passed her as fertile, she’d realized the heavens sided with her; even unworthy prayers are sometimes answered.


    When her stomach returned to normal she pulled out Ned’s card and tried the number marked “cell”. But of course there was no signal. There never is when you really want one.


    She eyed the nearest pylon speculatively. How far could you climb one of those things before you got electrocuted? Well, she was about to find out. She could feel the humming right through the metal. Digger crouched distractedly at the base, barking. When she reached the middle crossbar she slung her arm over the support and tried the phone again. His voice said “Yeah?” on the first ring, as if resuming an interrupted conversation. It was a very bad connection.
    She felt a little teen-prank thrill of superiority; she knew all about him, but he knew nothing about her.


    She heard the smile in her voice as she said; “You might remember me from the party last night. We had a conversation about two corpses found on the Green Trail. You thought there might be others, deeper in the woods. Well, I found one.”
    “Is this a joke? You’re who?”


    She felt annoyance now. God, he was slow on the uptake. “Honestly, it’s not a joke. This is a bad connection, and it could cut out on us any minute. I’m trying to tell you, I located another body. A dead person. Obviously a victim of your serial killer. Do you know where Bread and Milk Lane is?”
    “Who is this really?” His voice was skeptical, but there was still lots of raw charm in that gravelly burr. Was that what piqued her about him? That voice and that scar suggestively furrowing his neck; a scar so deep it looked as if his head, once detached, had been sewn back on.


    She couldn’t conceal her exasperation. She didn’t care to be treated like a desperate housewife. “This is Persey Royall and we met last night. You gave me your card. I found a body. A dead one. I thought this was your business. Or would you rather I dialed 911?”


    “No, no, no.” Had he remembered who she was? Or did she flatter herself? “You’re where, again?”


    “Do you know where the electric pylons cross Bread and Milk Lane?”


    “It’s probably on the utilities map. I can find it.”


    “Better use an old map. It’s where I’ll be in twenty minutes. Then I’ll have to walk you in…it’s a bit of a hike.”

    “I can’t believe this.” He swore.
    “Believe it,” she said. She decided not to explain that she was hanging twenty feet up a humming pylon.


    “Twenty minutes,” he said. “I’ll be there.”
    As she climbed down she remembered how he’d complained just last night that his superiors didn’t take him seriously. Now he wasn’t treating her seriously. Digger, distressed by exclusion, began to howl.


    It took longer than twenty minutes to find the road, but the going was easier and at least the terrain was relatively flat. She should have come in this way; she wouldn’t have needed the machete. Ned was nowhere to be seen, but since the pylons were visible above the trees, Persey felt certain she had the right spot.


    She sat down exhausted on the grass verge and began pulling prickers out of her hair and clothes. Her head was swimming and she still felt a little sick. Of course she’d always had a fragile gut – couldn’t get her weight over 100 no matter what she ate. It didn’t take much to turn her stomach into a clenched fist.


    She had never seen a dead body in her whole life, not even relatives. At this safe distance from The Thing, she questioned what she had actually seen. She better not be making a fool of herself. It had looked to her like a person, but could she really tell? Maybe she was making a fool of herself. If her vehicle had been nearby she might have tried to sneak away. Let him take it from here. Maybe he didn’t remember her name; she hadn’t given him a card. He hadn’t

    inquired who her husband was. He could find her through Jarod: “platinum blonde, 95 pound female who left the party early” didn’t match anyone else that Persey knew. She stretched out on her back and felt her muscles melt to water. Hot tub would feel good after this.


    Ned drove up alone in an unmarked police car. He wore a Kentucky University sweatshirt, a red ballcap and sweatpants boasting a design of oily handprints. His face was dotted gray with stubble and his eyes looked tired. She gazed up at him, bemused. There he was, the man from her fantasy, complete with curly iron-gray sheepswool hair and scarred throat. She’d been almost ready to think he couldn’t be real. Would he blush to know he had been the subject of a sexual fantasy? She would if he knew. Thank God he didn’t.


    “I was at the gym,” he said. “What gives?”


    She closed her eyes. That was the police for you. She knew them well, if only through Jarod. Their prime technique was to make you tell the same story over and over until you spit up on yourself.
    “Hey.” Now his voice was concerned. He tried hoisting her to her feet. “Jesus,” he said, “So you’re a cadaver diver. I remember you now. You’re either the bravest person I’ve ever met or the craziest.

    You look awful. What are you playing at?”


    “Feel the fear and let it go. “ That’s what the Bird Lady said.

    “I found your damn body. You said it was there to find. Remember how I told you I hike every day? Well, I just varied my path a little today and…there it was.” It was almost true. Why flatter him by confessing how specifically she’d tried to please him? It was never a good idea to let a man know he’s had an effect on you.


    He was still looking at her like he wanted to drive her to the nearest psych ward and have her screws re-threaded. Just a stroll in the woods, huh? She knew her sweatshirt and pants were ripped, her arms scratched bloody and her hair still full of brambles. The humor of it hit her and she fell backwards and started laughing till the tears came.


    Digger was jumping up against McKick, licking him and barking.
    McKick looked down at her, frowning with his hands on his hips. “I recognize hysteria,” he said. “Typical reaction to a fresh kill, so I’m inclined to believe you.”


    “Fresh?” She couldn’t stop laughing. “Hardly. It was way past its due date.”
    He couldn’t seem to get over his aggravation. Some people just don’t want assistance.


    “Sorry,” he said. “I’ve been up all night. Explain to me how the hell you did this again?”
    She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “Seems I have a gift,” she said. She stood up slowly. Stifled the final laugh.

    His response was short, “Well, you’ll admit it’s a very strange thing to do.” He wasn’t like his party self at all. Was it because she was fully clothed this time and last night her nipples had been practically hanging out? She began to feel annoyed. Betrayed, even.


    “You told me there were more bodies to find and no one would look so I looked!”
    “I also told you to stay out of the woods, as I recall,” he said, attempting ineffectually to brush her off. Digger eyed them like a nervous umpire, ready to rule on inappropriate touching.
    So he recalled their conversation! Maybe better than she did.


    “I’m guess I’m just not used to having this effect on people,” he went on. “Usually nobody listens to me. My wives don’t listen to me, my kids don’t listen to me, my superiors certainly don’t listen to me.”


    “You’re married?” She asked too fast and could have kicked herself.


    “Divorced.” He didn’t seem to think it was a peculiar question. “Twice. Listen, it’s not you I’m angry at. I’m angry at myself. If there’s really a body there, I’m in a peck of trouble.” He couldn’t resist pulling a briar carefully from her hair. But not carefully enough. Glittery pale hairs still stuck to it. He shook it as if loath to throw this talisman away.


    “It’s really there.” She blinked at him. If she decided to hallucinate something, it wouldn’t be a city of maggots. “Why would you be in trouble?”

    “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m ardently hoping you just found a deer carcass.”
    She snorted. “I know what a deer carcass looks like.” She and the Bird Lady had buried them, a time or two.


    “Don’t be offended if I don’t call the forensics van just yet. I’m going in. Is there any special…?”
    “Follow the pylons. You’ll smell it.” She shuddered. “Take Digger.”
    “I think we’ll keep the dog away from the scene,” he said. “Let him stay here with you.”
    He opened the front seat passenger door. “Please don’t answer the radio or play with the controls.”
    She was beyond insulted. Again she felt like smacking him. Did he think she was five? “Now why would I do anything like that?”


    “I really don’t know what you would or wouldn’t do.” He went to the trunk and pulled out a scratchy army blanket. He opened a rear door for Digger, just managing to get the blanket in under the filthy paws.


    “Sorry,” she apologized.


    “Don’t worry,” he told her shortly. “It’s seen worse.”
    She could imagine. Maybe that was the genesis of this whole thing, her
    superb imagination.

    It was hot in the car. Deliciously hot. She fell asleep singing the childhood ditty: “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out…”


    Nature red of tooth and claw. The Bird Lady wouldn’t have been shocked by any of it. One of the tales she’d shared with a six-year-old Persey was the story of a man who cut out his sister-in-law’s tongue so she couldn’t tell on him. Then the sister became a nightingale and flew away…
    When she awoke, he was leaning in the window looking at her, machete in one hand and a can of Red Bull in the other. He was panting. She opened the door, but slowly. Because in truth he was a little scary looking, the urban legend man accosting a car. She defused the moment as best she could for both of them.


    “Quite a sight, wasn’t it?”


    “It was lively,” he agreed. “Maggots love injury sites. They prefer their dinner pre-chewed, just like the rest of us.” He brandished the machete. “This yours? Looks recent.”
    “It is,” she told him. This crime stuff was hard. You had to think of everything! “Guess I forgot it. Sorry.”


    “You can see why we really can’t have newbies crowding around. You altered a crime scene.”
    She was stung. Newbies! “I found the crime scene!”
    “Correction,” he said. “You found two body dumps. It’s part of the picture but only part. We need to find the crime scene and triangulate between that and the body dumps to find his lair. Where he lives. This whole area is a jeopardy surface. ”
    She clamped her lips mutinously. She hated being lectured, and she loathed jargon.
    He pattered blithely on, a natural pedagogue. “There’s a very old skull nearby. Totally skeletonized. I’d say it’s been there at least three years. If we’re lucky he’s beginning to repeat himself. We catch them if they start to get sloppy…” He sipped his Red Bull. “You know, this stuff isn’t bad warm. Want one?”


    Yuck. She ignored him. “Maybe there are two killers?” She sat up in an effort to clear her head.
    “Dare we hope?” he asked sardonically. “No. It’s the same guy. Plastic handcuff ligature creates a pattern injury. Bad news/good news. Too many corpses means he’s revisiting dumpsites. Revisiting dumpsites makes him predictable. Predictability makes him easier to catch.” He tossed the empty can and the machete on the floor of the back seat and climbed into the driver’s side.
    “So where’s your car?” he asked. “Please don’t tell me you took a cab.”
    This was the thanks she got? Not what she’d envisioned at all. Last night he’d as good as told her she was a useless but cute little gal and today she’d found something he couldn’t.
    “But I proved you right,” she said. “Aren’t you going to call the crime guys?”

    Once again he made that insulting noise in his throat, looking at her as if she suffered from a bad case of television.


    “Here’s what happens if we play it your way,” he sighed. “I get suspension for shooting my mouth off about an ongoing confidential investigation to a girl I just met – which, frankly, they won’t even believe. They’ll assume we had to have been having some sort of relationship because I’ve never been that sort of idiot before. You get to see the inside of a police station because it will take you months – literally months – to convince them that you just happened to find two bodies your first crack out of the box. You may never convince them. You’ll call your husband and if he has any sense at all, he’ll get you a lawyer, the more expensive the better. The lawyer won’t believe you either and he’ll tell you not to talk. I hate to admit this about my agent-of-the-state compatriots but they like their dinner pre-chewed as well. They have a fatal weakness for a bird in hand, as opposed to say, staging a massive hunt for a bird in the bush.


    That’s been the trouble all along. The fact that you won’t talk means they have to open an investigation on your life. And your husband’s life. And the lives of your family, friends, what the hell, throw in the Mexican maid and the Japanese gardener. I don’t know what I was thinking. I must have been high, and since I don’t drink, maybe I was high on beauty.”

    “I don’t have a Mexican maid or a Japanese gardener,” she said, struggling with mixed emotions. Once again he’d accused her of being nothing but a trophy wife. On the other hand, he’d complimented her looks. Nice.


    “Or,” he said, “We can play it my way, which unfortunately involves a little modest subterfuge, but, trust me, in the service of the greater good.”


    “Don’t you dare suggest we give the guy a pass.” Persey’s anger ignited.
    “Never. I say I found it. I admit it’s altering evidence, but it wouldn’t be the first time necessity mothered invention. You, once again, don’t say anything. Because they never find out about you. And because I’m me, no polygraph, no hot seat. Hopefully we find the guy because of this evidence and case closed, community protected.”


    “So you want the credit for my find?”
    He showed her his phone. “Or we call the lawyer now. Pick one. I’ve brushed up against the best.”
    As if in sensitivity to her clamoring thoughts, he turned off the two-way. She unwound slowly in the resulting silence. Silence was her natural music.
    “You don’t need to stay in touch?”
    “I’m off duty,” he said. ”Worked all night. I only keep it on because I’m used to it.”

    “Background music,” she agreed, understanding. Like those white noise machines the fertility therapists use. Trying to trick you into speaking your most secret thoughts…
    She needed time to think. Men always pulled these stunts. How could she agree to a deal that subverted her cleverness and enterprise? On the other hand, Roy hated lawyers. What would Roy say when he found out about all this? What would his mother say?
    “Is it too late to take you up on that drink offer?” she asked wearily.


    “Never too late,” he joked in his gentlemanly manner. “I hate drinking alone.”
    They sipped companionably for a moment. Red Bull wasn’t bad warm.
    He said, “So, seen any good movies lately?” and she laughed. The unexpected pleasure of last night, when two strangers at a party had a little conversation about criminal profilers and serial killers, was mysteriously re-created. It was a little too intimate, if anything. They were steaming up the windows. What was it about this guy that made her feel so comfortable? He just seemed so at home in his skin he allowed her to feel at home in hers. Not the reaction she was used to getting from men, which was probably why Bish, who had been sprinkled with more fairy dust than testosterone, was her best male friend.

    Jarod, on the other hand, made her want to evaporate the way he looked at her. Like he wanted to drag her through his teeth. And because he was Roy’s best friend Roy was all smiles. Didn’t punch him out the way he deserved.
    Red Bull packed a jolt, which was what Persey needed right now. Imagine telling Roy she needed a lawyer! Just mentioning the word would trigger a diatribe. And Babe would have conniptions. It would be horrible if she ever succeeded in her quest to keep Persey between the mall and home. She chose to believe too much exercise and too little food was responsible for the empty nursery .
    Persey sipped. “I accept. On one condition,” she said.
    He shifted the car into drive. “And that would be?”
    “Don’t leave me out. Tell me how the investigation’s going.”
    He was driving now. She couldn’t stop him; impossible to prolong the
    moment. Time to return to their lives.


    “I guess I can do that,” he said, but he looked straight ahead. She heard
    reservation in his voice. He was lying to her. According to Jarod, cops lie to witnesses all the time. They have to. They need to be the only ones who know what’s going on.
    ”Four bodies,” she prompted him. “They’ll have to listen to you now.”
    “They will for a fact,” he agreed. “Now it becomes a tango with the Feds, and in any dance with the Feds, we have to play the girl.”

    Men! She turned her head away and looked out the window. Always looking for the next hill. Making everything a contest.
    “So where’d you say you left your vehicle?” he asked again.
    She hadn’t said. “Top of Tallwood Drive.”
    He was mysterious again, confident, a man who used words like “vehicle.” “I can find it.”
    As he drove, she reflected on this new link between them. Some people say
    deception is more intimate than a kiss.

  • Woman Into Wolf

    A Psychological Thriller

    Chapter One

    The Animal Bridegroom

    Persephone hated parties because she hated being stared at. What a relief to leave this one; swiveling her legs up and into the car while Roy stalked, raging as usual, toward the battered green pickup that hedged them in.


    “Assholes!” Roy shouted to the night sky as he kicked the capless hubs. “Trashpeople! How can they take a piece of crap like this street-wheeling? Like they took a dump on the asphalt.”
    It had been a better party than usual, thought Persey as she waited. That fascinating man she had spent all evening talking to; who was he again? While

    Roy opened the pickup’s door, searching for keys, she fished out the business card from beneath her left breast and scanned it surreptitiously. “Ned McKick, Behavioral Profiler.” Glad to get rid of it, she tossed it in the glovebox. On her person that card was red-hot, but in the glovebox it was anonymous; trash left behind by one cop at a policeman’s party.


    “Bingo!” shouted Roy, locating keys beneath a frayed mat and roaring the V-8 into action. He didn’t care where he left the vehicle – one wheel in the ditch was OK by him – as long as space was left for a hasty exit. Instant gratification was too slow for Roy. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it.


    He routinely drove too fast, refusing seatbelts as insufficiently macho. He was lit; he was high, but not enough to seriously interfere with either his reaction time or his goal-oriented behavior. He played with her nipples, coaxing them to points.


    “Thanks for coming, pudden,” he told her. “I know you hate it.”“I sure was surprised, seeing Stormee there,” was her only comment. Roy signaled annoyance at a creeper in the fast lane by traveling in the median. The shift to dirt from tarmac set the car to bouncing wildly, but Roy steered it one-handedly back to the pavement.


    “Last time,” he told. “Jarod says she’s history. She’s sexed out.”


    Another of Jarod’s wives down for the count. Jarod 4, Wives Zero. Persey was glad; Stormee was creepy. A professional bodybuilder, she was a disturbing

    gender shape shifter to Persey’s point of view, or even a third sex. She licked her lips at Persey in a particularly unpleasant way, as if she was the dirty-joke and Persey was the punchline.
    Thanks to Roy’s crazy driving – what policeman would stop them? — they were home in half the time. Roy began stripping off Persey’s mermaid dress in the driveway, tearing it in the process. Persey resigned herself to $800 down the drain – some things were good for one-time-only. Behind the house, Digger barked frantically from his pen.


    Persey propelled her husband forward. No sex on the car tonight. Neighbor’s lights were already going on.
    “Not here, honey. It’ll be better upstairs.”


    Roy chose to blame his frustration on Digger. “That goddamn DOG won’t shut up!”
    “He’ll bark all night. Give me just one moment to let him in!”


    Roy stormed in through the front door, flinging keys in the direction of the hall table. She could tell from the sound of metal on tile that he missed. Holding the dress around her like a sarong, she opened Digger’s gate and took him in through the garage, skirting the boat, the Corvette, the Harley sleeping in their plastic sheets. Roy’s truck and her own car never even made it out of the rain.


    “Barkers get bullets,” Roy muttered. “You tell him.”

    She found him standing in her pink and celadon kitchen, throwing his shirt in the general direction of the laundry room. A finicky man, he couldn’t tolerate a speck of dirt; changed his clothes all day long. The white and gold pearl-buttoned shirt he had worn to the party was new; another one-time-only; he would never wear it again. Same for the white ducks; the bloom was off that particular rose. Jarod’s fortieth birthday party had been a spectacular occasion; tomorrow back to flannels and jeans.


    Digger raced for his water dish, and Persey threw a biscuit in his bowl. She always had to be careful about showing too much affection to Digger in front of Roy. He was perfectly capable of complaining, “You love that dog more than me” just like a five year old. As it was, he shot the dog a jealous glance.


    Persey let the dress drop. “Now what can do for you?”


    His eyes rolled upward like an epileptic’s as he shivered. “Let me keep the lights on.”
    It was a concession, because he would want to use the handcuffs. Seeing herself from the outside, feeling exposed, made it harder to get into the mood and find the secret place inside that triggered come. Fortunately there was always fantasy, that loyal tool.
    “OK,” she agreed.


    He didn’t say she had to keep her eyes open and she closed them as Roy carried her up the stairs. Into the depths of her brain rode the dark man, the scarred man met today at the party. When first she saw him she mistook him for a plumber; nothing in his garb proclaimed a celebrant. But their conversation revealed him as a hunter, a hunter of men who chose to remain incognito. Immediately Persey identified. If she could, she would choose to remain unseen, to float through life observing. She would never able to get her best friend Cinda to understand that in some ways it might be a curse to be born with a face and body that drew all eyes.


    Roy bumped her legs in the doorway of the black-and-white bedroom, but in the grips of her fantasy she fell to her knees before the lathering horse, foam falling from his bridle like wedding flowers.


    Roy laid Persey out on the bed, crooning over her whitegold skin. Back in high school, he’d wanted nothing more than matching tattoos, but Persey’s dream mentor, the Bird Lady, she whose heavy bracelets disguised a number string, called body-ink “slave-brand”, so Persey had the strength to hold out against him. Now that Persey was the only unmarked woman left in the universe Roy was glad. The few times she’d tried to tease him with temporary tattoos he’d been angry. His wife must remain pristine.


    The rider was coming closer, so close that the ground beneath her shook as if wanting him too. He saw her, he was coming for her; he would stake her out here, like a sacrifice.

    The handcuffs clicked into place; then Roy spread her legs open as wide as they would go, massaging her thighs with those little strokes dubbed “effleurage”.
    Here came the animal bridegroom of the Bird Lady’s tales; half man, half beast, furred like a bear and hungry for a mate. He and his horse had become one just as she and her wolf Digger were one. Animal called to animal as he dismounted and ran towards her. Beneath his fur the man was naked, dark and hairy, the opposite of Roy. As he bore flying down upon her, fur floated above them like a tent, and she braced herself to receive him, shuddering and smiling, opening in ecstasy.

  • A Bruise, a Cut, a Fever

    a masque in ten scenes


    Characters:


    CHORUS & DANCERS:
    WOMAN HUSBAND LOVER/LOVE OBJECT
    Diners, College Students, Furniture, Bank Tellers &
    Customers (5 or 6)


    SceneChange I: A glittering dinner party of masked
    participants (CHORUS). WOMAN takes off her mask and gazes about in a bored way. At exactly the same moment by a kitchen screen a waiter holding a tray (LOVER) takes off his mask. They gaze at one another. He advances forward setting down his tray in front of her and slowly, deliberately removes his glove to draw his hand along her arm, removing her glove. Other diners too animated in their conversations to notice.


    He removes his other glove, then her glove. With each of his sway-backwards motions she rises from her chair until he turns to flee behind the screen and, pulling up her skirts, she pursues.


    SceneChange II: The CHORUS build their chairs into “trees” pursued and pursuer dart between; the dining table becomes “steps” upwards. CHORUS build themselves into a hall of “doors”; only the LOVER’s door is ajar.

    SceneChange III: CHORUS build themselves into a “bed” and a “window”. LOVER removes his shirt, opens up his arms. He and WOMAN dance as she is helped out of her clothes. They simulate slow and passionate sex in front of the “window”, sitting upright on the “bed”. As they lie in each other’s arms the “window” shines its light on them. WOMAN rises, gathers up her clothes, dressing very inexpertly, runs into the hall in a panic.


    SceneChange IV: CHORUS rebuilds “doors”. WOMAN wanders up and down the hall as if lost while college students (inverted masks) peek at her from behind their “doors”. Then light hits the “steps” and she runs down, performing a sensuous, joyous dance. DARKNESS.


    SceneChange V: WOMAN’s bedroom. CHORUS approximates an “armoire” spilling feminine objects, a “cheval glass” (Mirror) and a “bed” piled with pillows. HUSBAND and wife simulate sex in wheelbarrow position, he wearing suspenders and a tie, holds her legs upwards. Her face is buried in pillows, her arms grasping upwards to…nothing. It does not look fun.


    “Mirror” tries to position itself camera-wise to capture the action. Alarm Clock sounds; HUSBAND stops what he is doing, puts on pants and jacket, grabs a briefcase and does a robot dance out the door. WOMAN flounders in pillows, finally gets herself upright but he is gone. She tries on a variety of outfits and seems displeased by all of them (the Armoire and Mirror
    happily offer alternating possibilities.)


    WOMAN dances a self-soothing dance with her different clothes while the Armoire and Mirror sway helpfully and supportively, until she is finally in a good mood again and feels beautiful. Makeup, hair,

    shoes… and it is back through the TREES, up the STEPS to the HALL of DOORS.


    SCENECHANGE VI: She knocks on each and every door. (There is one door with no one behind it). Each door she knocks at, an opposite door opens, a snatch of music is heard and someone leans out, only to retreat when she looks in his direction. Finally she is able to synchronize movements to grab hold of a masked student and pull him out.


    He plays dumb, shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders, just doesn’t know WHO or WHAT she could POSSIBLY be talking about. All doors open, all students look out and engage in a head-shaking, shoulder-slumping stupidity contest of No Such Person. WOMAN tries to peek beneath one of the masks, student slaps her hand away. She gives up. With crossed arms
    they watch her leave down steps. DARKNESS


    SCENECHANGE VII: A BANK with old-fashioned tellers’ cages. WOMAN stands first impatiently in line, finally gets to a window, opens her purse and evidently tries out a series of identity cards and bankbooks in an effort to get money. Teller shakes her head, gets another teller over, then manager; they repel all books, all cards, shake their heads, cross their arms NO.


    The WOMAN starts dancing out the story of her love, unmistakably acting a passionate tale of romantic awakening. CHORUS of bank customers are drawn into this story – swaying and touching themselves in supportive echoes; the two tellers clutching, dancing, then finally sobbing together.


    They open up both bank drawers and shower her with money which she stuffs in
    her huge Designer Handbag. Customers congratulate her, throw confetti, produce balloons, champagne, blow party horns and dance together in celebration of her triumph as they send her on her way, back up the “steps” to the Hall of Doors.


    SCENECHANGE VIII: WOMAN knocks and knocks on the LOVER’s door. He’s sitting behind it all right, with his back against it, arms crossed (no mask) but not answering. He looks annoyed. She sinks to her knees, keeps speaking, wheedling, repeating as many of the gestures of her Romantic Bank Dance as she can manage on her knees, to no avail.


    They are very close together, both pressed against the door. Mirror-play. All the other doors keep opening and closing with peeking tenants until finally they just loiter out to frankly stare. She begins to push money under the door. He looks at the money – interested, then disgusted – pushes it back.


    There is a frantic pushing back and forth of money while the other students gather around – holding out their hands and offering with pelvic thrusts and unbuttoned shirts to take over and fill in. WOMAN flees down the hall, bumping back and forth
    between them, down the “steps”. DARKNESS.


    SCENECHANGE IX: A street scene. Everyone is masked, (including WOMAN) as they stroll, walk pets, wait for buses. The WOMAN lifts her mask just a little bit to peek at each passerby. None are to her taste. A Pretty Young Man, unmasked (THE LOVE OBJECT) sits on a park bench reading a book. She chooses HIM. She takes off her mask and casts it onto his book.

    This gets his attention; he looks at it as if it fell from outer space. She takes off her scarf, drapes it over his head. Now he gets that there’s a human being involved; he looks up at her, startled. She unbuttons her blouse and does an unmistakably sensual, sexual dance that gets him very hot under the collar. He rises from his bench to follow her. She leads him on slow chase through the TREES, discarding clothes & shoes which he gathers up.


    SCENE CHANGE X: The TREES become GRAVESTONES – they are in a cemetery. LOVE OBJECT a little scared now, all by himself. Owl hoots, day darkens. He shivers as he looks around but he is still game. WOMAN has vanished.


    He drops to his knees before a “gravestone” to pick up an item – a lacy thong – holds it up wonderingly. On the scrim behind him the huge shadow of a naked woman appears, seeming to fill the sky. He looks up, terrified. The scrim is thrown over him,
    snuffing him like a candle. DARKNESS

  • Splinters in the Body of God

    When I heard my brother-in-law was dead, I thought my sister had probably done it. Apparently I was the only one who thought so, because my sister, an aggressively born-again Christian, is a Perfect Person. A martyr. St. Hayley. I recalled a conversation we’d had years ago, when I’d been needling her about her newfound identity, reminding her of all the things she couldn’t do.
    “No more adultery,” I said, although as far as I knew she’d never been unfaithful to that unfaithful
    bastard.


    “True,” she’d remarked.


    “No more lying. Not even tiny social lies. You’ll have to tell everybody the plain, unvarnished truth. No more friends.”


    “That’s not true,” she’d said. “There’s a wider truth we must be faithful to. It’s spiritual dishonesty we have to fear. Spiritual dishonesty is a splinter in the body of God.”
    Hear that? I call that “Jesuitical”. That kind of “I know better” reasoning can justify anything. My husband talks like that, but he’s a lawyer. He says there’s no truth, only juries.
    “How about justice?” I’d demanded and she smiled at me with that superior smile.
    “God’s in charge of justice.”

    See? A person like that could justify murder! Then she made it worse by talking about how there’s always both forgiveness for sin and sin. If you can be forgiven at the last minute, no matter what you’ve done, can’t you ultimately get away with anything? It bothers me because it’s so obvious, but I can’t get anyone to agree.


    “Think she did it?” I asked my husband.


    “Hayley? She’d have to stand in line,” Simon.snorted. “Plenty of people had a bigger motive than she did.”


    That wasn’t true. There was all that insurance money, plus she’d had to live with him every day. The screaming, the vomiting, the violence. Dave was a piece of work. Now she was free to do whatever she wanted. Sell the house, take a cruise, live abroad. Of course by her lights she couldn’t have sex without marrying someone, but maybe that doesn’t matter either, with forgiveness shimmering eternally on the horizon. On the other hand, that kind of money brings parasites. I’ve heard women in abusive relationships are closet masochists. Right out of the frying pan and into the fire.
    “If she did it, would you defend her?” I asked my husband.


    “Nah,” he said, knotting his tie. Busy guy. Always on his way to somewhere, looking like a fashion plate as always. “Shouldn’t have a relative for a client.” He considered. “Unless she couldn’t get anybody else.”


    “If I murdered you, would Al defend me?” I teased.

    “That would be tougher.” He laughed. “You wouldn’t be ridding the world of an incubus, you’d be robbing the universe of a first class litigator.”


    He has an answer for everything. Litigators “She did it,” I said. “I know.”I don’t know why I kept after him. Maybe I have to.because it’s so rare that when he looks at me, he’s thinking
    thoughts with me in them.“I doubt she’d have the strength,” he told
    me. “Somebody gave Dave’s head a pretty good pop.”


    “So she hired someone. Of course she’d be in that person’s power forever.” Masochistic, right?
    “Or somebody did her a favor,” my husband returned. “Danger invites rescue. You think chivalry is dead?”


    He’s supposed to be the cynical one!


    At the funeral I searched Hayley’s face. I don’t know what I expected to see. The Mark of Cain? What I did see was a person tired and worn, who hadn’t been sleeping. No makeup, hair a mess, black jacket and white skirt — at a funeral? She looked more the way she looked when Dave was acting up. Of course maybe getting your head bashed in behind a bar is the ultimate act-up.
    She gave me a hug. Can’t ask a person if they’re a killer, not in the receiving line. I was forced to move on. After the receiving line she rushed upstairs. I saw a friend of hers from Al Anon take up a plate of food and what looked like a glass of wine. Why not? She wasn’t the one with the problem.
    I chose a seat with Simon and the lawyers. Telling war stories as usual. Simon’s partner Al waved a sandwich at me to acknowledge my presence.


    “Good eats,” he said. Like I had anything to do with it. Woman equals food in his equation. I took advantage of the pause in their conversation to revert to my favorite topic.
    asked.


    “Think they’ll catch the guy that did it?” I
    “If he’s dumb enough to use the credit cards,” said Al.
    “You’d think he would have taken Dave’s car,” I suggested. “Clean getaway.”

    Al shrugged. “Must have had a car of his own.”
    “Some “desperate thief”, then. What was Dave even doing there? The bartender said he wasn’t even drinking in that bar.”
    “So he got loaded somewhere else,” said Al.


    “Those guys always lie,” said Simon, wiping his mouth with the hand that wears the law school ring. Ugly bulky tacky thing. “Bartenders. They don’t want trouble.”


    See? No joy for me in this situation. Everyone was celebrating Dave’s death. Good riddance, they were thinking. I imagined our situations reversed, with me the widow and Hayley attending Simon’s wake. Simon’s family is Italian, there would be a lot of screaming and crying, I can tell you. He supports everyone. Would Ihave the nerve to disappear, the way Hayley had done? No, I’d have to stay to be pawed over and criticized. Everything I do is wrong. Thank God I only see those people once a year.
    If Simon died, I’d take a cruise first thing. Although I should probably go to the gym for a year before putting on a swimsuit. We have a family membership but only Simon uses it – who has the time? Hayley is thin enough but those stretch-marks of hers make her look like she’s been clawed by a tiger. She needs surgery but of course she can afford it now.


    I got the idea at the super market. I was standing in line, scanning the impulse purchases, and they had a stack of those lined tablets people who never write letters buy when they have to write a letter. Of course I‘d need one of those untraceable self-stick envelopes: no DNA. Use gloves. Simon says they get fingerprints off paper, now, all the time.


    It was so much fun. I wrote the letter with my left hand. No way they could trace it to me. I wrote, I SAW WHAT YOU DID AND YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH IT and signed it GOD. A hoot, right? I used a “Love” stamp (nice touch) and the address was one of those return stickers my sister puts in her Heart Association collection drive packets. Must be tons of those around! Then I mailed it at the box closest to her house – it’s on my route to the hairdresser – I didn’t even have to get out of the car. Just thinking about it gave me pleasure for days, although I wished I as there when she opened it.


    Two days was all I could stand. I called her right before lunch.

    “Hayley? It’s Maxine. How are you holding up?”
    “Better. First night without pills.”


    Maybe she hadn’t opened it. I cursed the Heart Association sticker idea. If she thought it was a donation maybe someone else opened it. Didn’t tell her, threw my letter away.
    “Anything I can do? Need food?”


    “God, no. The freezer’s groaning.” She hesitated. “You could come over tonight and pack up Dave’s things for Goodwill. My women’s group is coming. I warn you – there will be praying.”
    Great! “No thank you,” I said stiffly. “Anything but that.” Dave wouldn’t have allowed her “witches” anywhere near his house. I imagined lengthy ceremonies to evict his drunken, aggressive spirit. Possibly they would even try to intercede for his sodden, bossy soul. Ugh. Let’s face it. Dave belongs in hell. But he won’t be alone there.


    “Could you take Kevin and Deanie for the weekend? I’m going on retreat.”
    “Sure,” I heartily agreed. “No problem. James and Heather love being with their cousins.”
    “Thanks,” she said. “I’ll set it up.”


    Now aren’t I a good sister? But when I got home Simon had strewn our marital bed with suits and shirts. Packing for a trip. It’s a kingsize so I still found a place to perch.

    “Hey,” I said, “I just agreed to take Kevin and Deanie for the weekend.”


    “Not like they’re any trouble,” he told me, carefully matching socks and ties. He’s fussy about his clothes. He always looks good. A litigator is an actor, he says. “Trial Lawyers Association. Gotta go. The kids’ll be fine with movies and pizza. Video games. Isn’t that all they care about?”
    He has no idea in hell what looking after four kids single-handedly is like.
    “Back Sunday night,” said Simon. “I’ll be at the Helmsley Palace.”


    The Helmsley Palace! That’s where we had our honeymoon! Such a wave of erotic longing washed over me I almost came all over myself then and there. Simon was such a good lover, and I was a virgin. But every time I told him to stop he stopped. It took us technically – a whole week to become man and wife. But what a week! Had I felt such arousal since? God knows where Simon got such control – I didn’t know and I didn’t ask. Both of us have tried telling our kids during “facts of life” discussions that you don’t have to go “all the way” to achieve the sexual nirvana MTV is telling them is out there, but I suspect it’s falling on deaf ears. Along with everything else we say.
    Single-parenting is not for sissies. The video was plugged in, the pizza was ordered and I was making popcorn when Deanie came in to tell me she’d forgotten her retainer. Perfect. Of course I said I’d go, telling Jamie in the garage — he was showing Kevin his dirt bike — that he was in charge for an hour and giving him the pizza money. They’ve got my cell number.

    Felt a surge of independence climbing into the car and driving down the darkened street. No wonder Simon loves leaving us behind, all warm and cozy, headed off to his other life. Well I have another life too! I’m an Anonymous Letter Writer. Plus now I’m Maxine, Girl Detective, searching for the bloodied sledgehammer or the hitman’s threat note: Pay Up or Else.”


    Hayley’s house was substantially different without Dave’s dark spirit. You could just feel it. That hideous den of his was emptied of its ugly sports memorabilia and beer signs; repainted and furnished with chintz and wicker. You could just see the church ladies sitting down to their cups of tea.


    But when I entered Hayley’s bedroom I got the worst shock. It was completely empty, carpet torn up, furniture gone. Like she was running away. Except there were ladders and tarps and paint swatches. She was erasing him from her life. Who could blame the lucky bitch? But my problem is, where to search when your suspect has no desk, no bedside table and everything’s in boxes? I’d waited too long.


    She’d moved into the guest bedroom, a monastic cubicle with a cross above the single bed. But there was a bedside table, and the table had a Bible, and the Bible was stuffed with papers, and that’s where I found what I was looking for.


    It didn’t have an address, it didn’t even have a signature but I hope I know my husband’s handwriting. He said he respected her decision but his feelings would never change. That he would always be “there” for her. He said, “I want you to know there’s someone on this planet who loves you utterly.”

    When I took the letter I was blind with pain and rage. It was like he’d killed something in me with that letter. Something in me was stillborn because it needed another person to bring it to life and I had never had that person. Because my own husband was “there” for someone else.
    Was she “rewarding” him right now at the Helmsley Palace? Was she speaking to his hands the way I used to, saying “here” and “here” and “here”? Faster, slower, deeper? And whose fault was that? Not mine, because I had always done everything that was ever expected of me. I took the letter because I knew then I could make him finally speak the truth to me. But what happens if the truth is that I’m alone and I’ve always been alone and I’ll always be alone? Where’s the justice in that?

  • Hant


    I guess you could say that when my mother died, I came out of the closet. And – unfortunately for me – so did she. Different closet, naturally.


    I’m one of those people born gay. It’s not just something I chose because there was nothing better on offer. And honestly, it had NOTHING to do with my mother. When I talked to the first lawyer he seemed to think that living with your mother until you’re forty and going to bed with women have to be two facts that have some sort of relationship. Not the case. Far from it.


    So I have to make the point that my mother wasn’t sexual to me. I doubt that she was ever sexual to anybody. People who think of their mothers sexually must have mothers a whole lot different from mine, that’s all I can say. You don’t think about the body under the apron on the person nagging you to finish the food on your plate. At least I don’t.


    I was a late-bloomer — over thirty before the penny finally dropped. I had rubbed bodies with girlfriends before, but I really didn’t think anything of it. If they had orgasms I sure as hell couldn’t tell. But then I was thirty-two and I met Eva. Eva was ripe. Eva was rich. Eva was honky-tonk come to life. She bleached her pubic hair with the reasoning that then it would become invisible and then she wouldn’t have to bother to shave. (NOT). That’s what drew me to her – this amazing woman with an explosion of Orphan Annie hair – a curly mirkin – coming out from under her bathing suit. I mean, you had to look inside, you know?

    So I was the aggressor. I let it all hang out, and she liked that. Constant sex is my recipe for love. I was amazed to discover – this was after three months of me doing everything to her – that she was a masseuse, for Chrissake. Her job was rubbing people’s bodies. (And she was not one of those whore masseuses. She had a degree and all that.)


    But when I was working her over I didn’t have those kinds of thoughts, hey, breasts just like my mother’s, a slit just like I came out of. I mean, that’s the furthest thing from your mind. But Eva and I were a short term thing.


    I lived with my mother because she had that huge house and because it was convenient. Check the “get ahead” literature and they’ll all tell you to get yourself a wife. Well, this was the best I could do.
    When my brother died, I became my mommy’s only kid. The rest of our relatives really didn’t want to have anything to do with us. According to Mom it was because of the divorce. Everybody dumped us. She didn’t take it well. Not too strong to say she flipped out. But there’s a lot of that going around as well as a lot of divorce. After the right to marry the right to divorce tags right along behind.


    My father’s family was no day at the beach, let me tell you. Too much emphasis on who sits where, who serves what and whether you have help in the house. Bunch of snobs. We were better off without them.


    My mom wasn’t better off in the technical sense, because she insisted on staying in that house. Must have been worth a half a mill ; more, with work done. Without me, no way she could have paid those bills. But I wasn’t handy, and I wasn’t making enough money. I was too thirsty for poontang.


    I do collection work and I enjoy it. You live on the phone. You find out things about people that are interesting to know, and yet you stay anonymous. Lots of secrets in this universe. First off, there’s no tiny subculture separate from the Real World because there is no Real World. Everyone’s got an act, and the only people who get to find out are the doctors and the lawyers and the guy who has to fix the corpse so Granny won’t be shocked and me. Who gets to see both sets of books.


    My mother was a limited person, even though it’s me that says it. She probably thought no woman getting three tasty nourishing meals a day would even be interested in sex. I do remember she had arguments with my father about it. There was time we went away for vacation to some shrine in Connecticut. We used to be very good Catholics until the pope instituted liberalities and he lost Mom. (Which turned out to be good for us because she stopped trying to make us go to church.) But now I’m wondering – if she had been more spiritual, would any of this have happened? Who knows?


    Anyway, when we got back from the shrine it was pretty obvious Dad had been “entertaining” while we were away. The woman must have been a smoker because her lipsticked butts were everywhere – but worse, there were condoms lying around like exploded balloons from a party we weren’t invited to. It was plain from my mother’s outraged screaming that he should be getting his sexing the back seats of automobiles like a normal person and bringing his floozies across her threshold was a sin so vile he would writhe in hell for eon upon eon. So I’m not likely to ask my mother’s opinion if a little snatch after work is OK. I had a pretty good idea what she would say.


    Then Mom got cancer, the basically curable kind that if you just spread your legs for a doctor occasionally you could totally avoid. But she wasn’t that “easy” so by the time they found out about it, sayonara.


    I had one night a week reserved for myself. Not too much to ask, right? I used to tell her I was going to the “club” – she wasn’t to know Rape of the Lock was a gay bar. They always had stuff — poetry readings, treasure hunts, mini-plays. Performances calculated to make the gals hot and horny, and a good time had by all. That’s where I met Klea – she was one of the bartenders there. She always claimed to be working towards an MBA but frankly I never saw any signs of it. She was stuck in a tense living situation too – living over a garage for free for a couple she was supposed to “caretake”.


    Blurry job description leads to lots of complaining. She wasn’t supposed to have any roommates – this couple was afraid that the outside world would find out they had a house loaded with QVC collectibles. What with Snoopster Mom Klea couldn’t visit me and the only way I could visit her was by sneaking. I climbed the trellis on occasion. Heavy drinking, heavy sex, heavy trellis climbing – romance killers when you’re looking forty in the face. Ask any actuary. We were primed for new life.
    For a short window of time there I was busy with my work and Klea, and Mom was busy with hospitals and ladies’ clubs and life was doable.

    Then there was another period where Mom was in the hospital and I could have Klea over. That was tense in some ways and better in other ways. It was better because it gave us an idea what it might be like to live together.


    We felt we were through the period where you try to make the other person jealous – just to prove you can – and we were talking about selling the house right after my mother died – “as is” condition, of course, but at least it was free and clear – and opening our own place. Not a bar – no trying to keep horns clipped — more of a café. We had both reached exactly the same time in our lives where we had to make up our minds: keep babysitting the straight world, or shape our futures the way we wanted them to be. We were dreaming.


    Klea worried Mom would “find out” and leave the house away from us. She kept nagging me to “come out” to this cancer-ridden lady. I told Klea she was being hysterical. The real problem was keeping Mom from finding out I was going to sell the place. If she’d been able to think in terms of progress and reward, her life wouldn’t have been such a shambles. Let me say right here that in her own way, Mom loved me and I loved her. If we loved “stylized” versions of each other – that’s family. So how do I explain what came after?


    My conclusion that a person’s ghost is that person’s worst self. When you die, the good part goes to heaven or whatever, and the bad part stays here to torment us. Get it? We’re hell. That guy who said, Hell is other people? Bingo. Hell is being at the mercy of a dead person that’s shed its conscience. We’re like nightmares dead people keep having. And they’re ours.


    The worst part was when the hospital sent my mother home to die. I think they were just trying to make things easier on themselves, but Mom was a willing participant. Home. That’s what she wanted. Hospice idea rejected right out of hand.
    So there I was with a nurse by day and a nurse by night. Hard on me, going without sex just when I needed it most. I had to have Klea back. I needed sex to relax, sex to get to sleep, sex to clear my head, sex to digest my food. You know how it is. Mom was confined to a hospital bed. So why couldn’t I get that support?


    I told Klea to only use the back stairs and never the front part of the second floor, where Mom was. But the noises she made! You could say Klea haunted Mom before Mom haunted Klea. Mom actually decided — because of Klea — that the house she’d lived in for forty- five years was haunted. My dead twin, Uncle Andrew – her own mother – people I’d never heard of like “Carla” and “Mrs. Myers” – I had to listen to hours of crazy ravings about everyone who’d ever nurtured a grudge against Mom. Who knew there was such a long list?


    They taught me to give her the morphine shots – made me practice with an orange – and I just kept upping the dose so she’d be out of it most of the time. Everybody does it. The nurses don’t mind so long as it isn’t them. Towards the end there’s a very fuzzy line between life and death and everyone understands that, but the law, apparently, still operates under the Old Testament scapegoat system. That’s all I can deduce.


    I was with her when she died. It was right between nurses,by coincidence, just at dusk. I had given her that last shot, and I was sitting there listening to her breathing go raspy. Definitely a death rattle – I had to leave the room. Then nothing. Hallelujah! I’d swear mom was relieved too. Now she was free. No need to Stepin Fetchit, I decided to wait for the nurse, who was late, by the way. So I called Klea down for a beer. Watching someone die is an unsettling experience, I can tell you. It’s Miller time.


    Klea wanders around in the nude by choice, but when the nurse is around she will make the concession of long shirt and jean-shorts. But her feet were bare. Halfway down the stairs she doubled up with pain and started screaming. Stepped on something. “Jesus!” she yelled. “I’ve been stabbed!”


    I sort of half carried her upstairs where I could lay her out on the bed. “It’s a hat pin,” I told her. “It’s really in there. I’m going to pull it out.”


    “No, no, no!” she screamed, grabbing my hand. “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Promise you won’t touch
    it!”


    “Klea, stop being a baby about this. I can call the paramedics but when they come, you know what they’ll do? They’ll pull it out. Or we can wait for the nurse – to refuse to work on you — and who knows how long that will be? “


    “Please,” she whined, clutching me so desperately her face bones turned white and stuck out of the skin like a skull, just like Mom’s before she died – “Don’t do it yet! Give me some morphine!”
    I could hear myself explaining to the nurse why there was so much morphine missing with Klea zonked out upstairs. Recipe for trouble.


    “Relax. I’m going to pull it out real fast. It’ll be just like a bandaid. Don’t look at it.”

    But she held my hand. “So don’t give me a big dose. Just a little. You know they won’t miss it.”
    “Klea! Morphine to take a pin out of your foot! What an infant!”
    “You don’t know how it HURTS,” she wailed. “It hurts and I’m scared.”


    Well, it was in pretty far. Long hatpin. God I hoped her tetanus was up to date. What was it doing on the stairs anyway – in that position? Tell me how likely is that? My brain was scrambling.
    “Ok,” I said. “Be a pussy. Be a drug addict.”


    I tell you what decided me. I had a feeling this nurse wouldn’t do anything – she’d call the paramedics anyway. She was one of those people very worked up on only doing exactly what they’re paid for. I squirted plenty out because obviously she wouldn’t need as much. But since I got rid of it, how could I prove it? I shot the inside of her elbow, and it hit her pretty fast. You could see her blink off like a light. Went right to sleep, but her breathing was good.


    I hadn’t expected her to lose consciousness, but you better believe it helped me. Pliers got that thing out of there. I had the wound all dressed before the nurse arrived, so we could make the Mom calls together. Death certificate, doctor, funeral home. Then I got that Miller, long overdue.
    I had no idea Klea would be such a five year old. I’ve seen her handling drunks twice her size, which is nothing I’d line up for.

    She didn’t open her eyes till next morning.
    “So how’s my little junkie this morning?” I asked her. She was lying in bed – clothes askew, hair spilling everywhere – it would make the pope horny.


    “My foot’s sore,” she said. But she smiled. Looked like herself again. Pulled me on top of her. “So….” she whispered, “Is the place ours?” She probably shouldn’t have said that. “What’s for breakfast?”


    “I got a better idea than breakfast,” I said, rubbing her hard, flat stomach and trying to get my hand under her jeans, “How about deep, deep tissue massage? Guaranteed cure-all.“


    That’s when it happened. I was trying to unzip her jeans, wiggling that zipper up and down – and she started screaming again. Pushed me away, screamed I’d zipped her skin. When I realized what it was, I got the scissors and I cut the pants off her. But it was difficult because she was fighting hard the whole time. She was so upset she pissed on herself in the bed. God, it was like taking care of my mother all over again! And then to get blamed for everything. She was bleeding all right, but it was a tiny wound – just a little of the loose skin on her gut. It would grow back. It’s not my fault she wears her jeans so tight. Definitely no need for morphine here.


    “Here’s the culprit” I said, trying to show her the zipper with its played metal teeth.


    “YOU DID IT!” she hissed. “Don’t go blaming my zipper that never did that before! And it was your pin, too!”

    I was so taken aback I really didn’t know how to defend myself. “Hey, I fixed it,” I said.
    “You mean you fixed ME!” she said. “You sure did! I’m getting the fuck out of here before you slit my throat and offer to stitch it up for me!” And she shot out of bed and started pulling on sweatpants – my sweatpants.


    She was flying out the door before I had a chance to warn her about the stairs. I took up the rug and the stair rods so they could take out Mom and her hospital bed and I hadn’t replaced them yet. I mean, I get tired too. Mom waxed and waxed those goddamn stairs. My hair used to hold the smell for days. Klea would have been fine if she wasn’t going a hundred miles an hour. But I heard the thump, the slam – I swear I heard a crunch – and when I got to the bottom of the stairs, there was my second corpse in a two-day period.


    But I knew at that point that it was my mother who killed Klea — to keep us from living in her house! Of course! Bad anger, competitiveness, rage, resentment – they’re killers.


    Don’t you see I’m next? This way she gets us both. It looks so bad, what with the missing morphine, the extra morphine in Mom, the wounds on Klea, even her piss in my bed – and I can’t find a lawyer who will treat my story with respect!


    The way I see it is, it’s too late to apologize to a dead person. Too late to say the things I should have said — so she died and left pure rage behind. As a sort of default mode. What I need to know from you is, can a hant get a person convicted of murder? Because if that’s possible, we should all give up right now. Nobody’s safe.

  • Chainsaw Mermaid – 2

    II.

    Unfortunately, Ron was already pacing and angry when I got home. I guess it was an evening of firsts. I felt first guilt, then a cold, unpleasant wedge of fear across what was left of my gut. But in our game of emotional isometrics it wouldn’t do to show him. I had to force myself to act unconcerned as I strolled through the kitchen door.


    “You went out,” I said, tossing my purse to the chair. Missing, dammit. “So did I.”
    “You were out with some guy,” he sneered. “How could you think I wouldn’t find out?”
    Lucky guess or did Ron have spies? Here was something Bolio obviously hadn’t thought of. Me either, for that matter.


    “I don’t know his name,” I said, walking past him up the stairs. “He just happened to be there so I talked to him. You talk to people, I talk to people. I’m sure your spy told you we never touched each other.”

    He was following me up the stairs too closely. It was all I could do to keep from running. Showing fear would be fatal; I would lose my upper hand. I found myself thinking frantically about possible weapons, methods of escape. Slam my door shut and jump out the bedroom window?
    Now!”


    “I don’t believe you!” he barked. “Strip!


    Physical fear is a disgusting and unforgettably horrible experience. Ron was drunk, but not enough to help me out. His eyes glowed insanely. If I’d had a gun I would have rescued Bolio then and there. In all our time together I had seen Ron this mad plenty of times; just never at me. Because I never challenged him. How had I ever lived with this man? Kidded myself that I was free?
    I started undressing because I knew I had to or he would tear the clothes off me. What was he after? I could no longer read him. He pushed my garments aside and put his hands on my body – hard. “Where did you get those marks?”


    He pried my thighs apart. I tried to back away from him, almost tripping over the bed.


    “You made them yourself, this morning. Don’t you remember?” I bruise easily. Cost of doing business. “Twice.”


    He flipped me to my stomach. He had a lot of strength. “You’re lying. Who have you been with? What did you do?”


    Out of his back pocket he pulled the handcuffs and began to smack them menacingly against
    his palm. At the sight of them I began to shriek and babble. I’ve never liked confinement or restraint – this was not a game I cared to play. As I’d suspected, my fear only emboldened him. He handcuffed me right to the headboard. I couldn’t help showing fear, so I needed Plan B. Maybe if I just cooperated with everything I could calm him down. I wasn’t guilty after all, not of what he thought. He bent over sniffing me. Sniffing me like a dog.


    I kicked at him furiously. Big mistake. He stared at me as incredulous as if I’d aimed a punch. Then he started taking off his belt. I began screaming, but out on the country there was no one to hear. We were both out of control.


    “Don’t come near me! Don’t touch me! I’m leaving! I’m calling the police!” I said everything except, “I’ll kill you,” which was the only true thing. He was a dead man from that moment.
    He beat me, rhythmically, shouting, “Don’t -Ever-LieTo-Me-Again!”He said he only hit me six times – but I wasn’t counting. I floated away.


    I floated away because I hate being trapped. Closed my mind because, in spite of everything I’d ever thought, everything I’d ever felt, everything I’d ever done, my life came down to the fact that I was the sort of person to whom this happened. That was the truth about me.
    Was there blood? It hurt a lot. He said, “You brought it on yourself.”


    I could tell from his face that he was the scared one now. That meant there were marks. Now the police would lock him up for the night on just my say so. He knew that. He uncuffed me, asking solicitously,


    “Are you going to be good?”

    I pulled the comforter up over my head and snuggled down into a hot fetal nest, the way I used to when I was a little girl. Gone. I didn’t want the police. I planned for better than momentary satisfaction. I am a cultivator and my plans were flowering hugely.


    I heard him talking to himself, stomping around and muttering, something about putting a roof over my head, giving me gas money, being entitled to respect. Entitlement? On the “fairness planet,” he would be squashed at birth like the bug he was. It was up to me to squash him.


    “Well, I’m going on a rubber run,” he said. “Now that I can’t trust you any more.”
    I didn’t want him out in the world, babbling to sets of sympathetic ears about his horrible, ungrateful
    devastation of an evening. So I lowered the comforter. “Nothing happened,” I said. “I guarantee
    you. I swear to you. You’re the only one.”


    Was there something in him that was wishing I was lying, so the beating would be OK? Who cares? Try too hard to understand someone and you let them invade you. I had to play through. My conciliatory attitude inflated his confidence.


    “Well, next time I won’t just beat your pretty ass,” he said in a big voice for the trees to hear. “I’ll
    toss you out.”I reached for him. Hardest thing I ever did.

    I proved it.
    Next day I was very sore. I woke up first as I always did, stepping out of bed over the pants I’d sucked off him. I made coffee, brought him a cup. As he drank, he looked me over with a fond smile.


    “Let me see your tail.”


    I turned. He pleated my buttocks with his hands, petting his handiwork. “Nothing. It’ll be gone in a
    week.”


    He found me sitting out in the garden with a glass of wine. No comment on how early it was to be hitting the bottle.


    “I’m going to PepBoys. Need anything?”


    What the hell would I be needing at Pep Boys? Thank God for dark glasses. I didn’t trust myself to
    answer. dinner?”


    He persisted. “Got everything you need for Cyanide? Rat poison?“Sure,” I managed.“Enough wine?”


    He was teasing now. He liked that I was hitting the bottle. Not so superior now, was I? He could see I’d turned some sort of corner, but he couldn’t tell where that left him.
    heard.”
    “Liquor stores aren’t open on Sundays, so I He rattled his keys. “I’ve got connections.”

    “Sure then.” Let him be seen buying illegal booze all over town. “St. Emilion.” There’s a touch of my old self. “Nothing later than ’94.” Blowing smoke, but he wouldn’t know. He never knew.
    He drawled, “Right.”Then he was gone. Free! I went straight to
    the phone and hit 2 on the speed dial.


    Would Bolio be in the office on a Sunday, cooking the books, trying to make sense out of his own addicted senselessness? And if so, would he answer? He did, on the second ring.
    possible.”


    “I want him dead,” I said. “As soon as “What happened? What’s up?” He kindled
    at my change in tone.“He beat me up last night. First time.”


    “Could be a problem. Is it visible?”“It could be a problem! Hell, it’s more than
    a problem. I almost killed him myself.”“We don’t want you to have too obvious a
    motive, that’s all.”“No. Not visible.”


    “Well, what happened?”


    “Someone saw us together, you and me. But they didn’t seem to know who you were.”

    “We might be able to carry it off tonight. Make sure the liquor flows. Stay away from the stuff yourself. Right before bed, take him out to the garden to look at the moon, or whatever. I’ll do the rest.”


    I prepared steaks the way Ron liked them, rubbing them with garlic and mustard, pounding them thin. While I worked, my mind wouldn’t stop whirling. Back when I was having chemotherapy, they threw a therapist at me. She made much of the fact that I’d lost my dad at age 5. Lays you open to subsequent depression, she said. Making it sound like that caused the cancer.

    Death, she said, would be “processed” by my five year old self as rejection. “Narcissistic injury”. When I told her I didn’t believe in wasting time in depression, she made one of those “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” modern therapy comments; said, “Maybe you don’t allow yourself to feel it.” That remark has bugged me all my life. If I was going to start getting even, that dame would be on my list. Blaming my poor dead dad for cancer. Telling me she knows my feelings better than I do.


    If I had ever been depressed I was no longer. Instead, I was galvanized, pulsating with excitement in every cell. Call it “The murder cure”. I laughed out loud as I imagined myself writing a book, becoming famous, touring the talk shows. “Sometimes You Just Have to Kill ‘Em.”

    “Well, Geraldo, all I can say is it worked for me.”
    I set the table with my best linen, china and silver, things used only once or twice a year. Ron would be impressed. He never knew they weren’t my antiques. I had always tried to convey the impression I was wellborn, a mysterious wealthy family somewhere off in the mist. Of course I’d bought all the things myself. Presents to myself.


    If I am the one who gives them their meaning, I might as well give them their existence. That’s the way I look at it, whatever people say. The only thing I really want is that chainsaw mermaid. Everything else is a substitute. If while looking for her I found a wonderful piece of china or silver instead, it was like a gift from my dad.


    I actually tried telling that damned therapist about my chainsaw mermaid, and how much she meant to me, about how I lay in bed imagining her looking at me from the woods, peering through the trees, and it gave me such a sense of reassurance. I felt so safe. But the stupid therapist said, “Why does she feel she can’t come inside?”


    Because she’s a garden sculpture, you idiot! That’s what I wanted to say. Instead I clammed up, because I was too sick. But the real question is, why didn’t I go out into the woods to join her? I couldn’t go, because I was only five years old, but I was not five years old any more. The woods were beckoning, dark and deep. Boiling with life and possibility.


    Ron was late coming home, and when he did, it was obvious he’d been boozing. When he saw my slinky black dress, heels and makeup and the ornamental table, he thought just what I wanted him to think, which was that I was trying to make up to him. Apologizing for upsetting him so much he had to hit me. Big You, Little Me.


    He pinned me up against the kitchen wall and gave me a tongue bath. I wondered how many bars he’d visited. All of them, I hoped.

    “Got you something,” he told me, after he’d scored my thong as a trophy. “Come and look.”
    My trophy was a fairly new looking, bright blue Pontiac GrandAm. I knew him too well to even imagine he had put it in my name. It was just about the most repulsive thing, outside of Ron himself, that I’d ever seen. Don’t care for “push” presents.


    “Only thirty thousand miles on it”, he bragged. “Sure beats that ancient Beamer of yours.”
    In Ron’s world, everything “beats” something. I guess it’s beat or be beaten. You bought your own coffin, Ron, I thought. I had a hard job convincing him not to take us out for a spin. Told him you can’t keep red meat waiting!


    For his last meal I fed him all his favorite food. Ranch dressing on his salad, cheese poured all over his vegetables – restraint was gone for good. He didn’t offer St Emilion – lowballed me with California Riesling instead – but I was only pretending to drink so it didn’t matter. Ron, who considers wine an affectation, swilled several bottles of Magic Hat.


    Was I going overboard? Was he too drunk to realize I wanted him to explode? But he accepted it quite unironically in tribute to his kingliness. He even finished my dinner.


    “You go sit in front of the TV,” I said. “I’ll clean this up.”Should I make coffee? I didn’t want to sober him up one iota, but I needed the stuff myself. Hell, I could throw brandy in his.

    As I was carrying plates out through the pantry I was annoyed to discover the light was off. I know I’d left it on. Must have been the bulb.


    But then Bolio detached himself from the darkness and stepped into my path.
    “Having fun yet?” he asked, touching my neck. Left hand-right hand. Tried to kiss me.


    I smelled scotch, cigar and sweat. He wore a suit but no tie, and his shirt was partially unbuttoned. I was angry that he had broken with our plan and let his gambler out and enraged that he’d been drinking, but I couldn’t do much with all those plates in my hand. I tried to push around him, but his hands grabbed my shoulders.


    The light went on. It was Ron, screwing in the bulb and gaping at us, too stupefied to speak. He shook his head as if to clear hallucinations.


    Bolio lunged for him, grabbed his head and smashed it into the glass cabinet. Glass shattered everywhere, spraying out into the room in fine particles. I dodged away from them into the kitchen. They clutched each other and went down on the floor, rolling back and forth in the tiny space.
    Ron had the upper hand of knowing the room. He grabbed a drawer, pulling the contents down on himself. Uh, oh. Knives. He was on top – it looked to me as if Bolio was losing. His cell phone skittered across the floor.


    But it was Ron who lost when I slapped the brandy bottle against his head. It didn’t break, but he went down and stayed down.

    “Thanks,” said Bolio.
    I wanted to shriek at him for betraying our plan. But I never cuss when I can get even. “He dead?” I
    asked instead.“Not hardly. Better tie him up, he could
    come to at any moment.”


    “How are we going to explain this mess?” We were out of the plan and floating free.
    “We’ll take the crime scene elsewhere. Clean it up. Tell anyone who’s interested he was going to replace the cabinet fronts. We’ll break the window on that new car of his and hope they can’t tell one kind of glass from another. Got any bungee cords?”
    I went to get them.


    “And a couple cans of whatever he was drinking. Full.”
    Ron up.


    “Bottles.” I produced them as he trussed “I suppose that will do. Ready to roll.”“I’ll get my coat.”“You won’t need it.”


    “Will too.” I certainly didn’t tell him why. My coat pockets have gloves.


    “Nice new car,” said Bolio as he bundled Ron into the front seat of the Pontiac. I followed them in Bolio’s diesel Mercedes. At the railroad crossing Bolio propped Ron up in the driver’s seat and began removing the bungee cords.


    Ron was coming to, moaning. I came slowly up behind Bolio and from my pocket whipped out the handcuffs, cuffing both him and Ron to the steering wheel. I counted on a moment of drunken, frozen amazement to be able to steal the car key and I got it. I threw it across the tracks.
    Bolio couldn’t puzzle it out. With all his best efforts, best intentions, the house kept winning.
    “What’s this?” he demanded drunkly. “No time for this, babe.”


    “I’m not your babe,” was all I said. See? Save your breath for the important stuff. It was already almost midnight, so I got in his car and drove away.


    I would have liked to stay and tell him I’d figured out who reported seeing me with a man to Ron, but I could already hear the train. Maybe Bolio salted the earth a bit, never wasting an opportunity to point out to Ron how little I gave for what I got.


    Bolio was banging on the hood and screaming so loudly I was afraid he’d rip out the steeping wheel. But he hadn’t managed to do it by the time the train blew through.


    As soon as I got home I called the police. My husband and his lawyer had a terrible fight. Something about money. When it turned physical and they started smashing things, I ran upstairs. Then they drove away in Ron’s car. Since they were drunk as well as angry, I was scared, so I took the lawyer’s car and tried to follow them but I couldn’t find them. I was afraid something awful was going to happen.


    The police were extremely uninterested in things that were about to happen. No emergency that they could see. So instead of cleaning up I took a nice hot bubble bath, with music and candles. I was still in the bath when I got the call about the train crossing.


    Bolio was right. There was a lot of money. But I was most surprised to get a check from the Client Security Fund, some special fund that compensates people for thieving lawyers. The attorney who brought me the check was such a nice young man. He explained with great seriousness how apologetic the Bar Association was, but in a whole barrel of apples one or two are often bad, and poor Mr. Bolio was infected with the disease of gambling. Maybe they’ll find a cure someday, said the nice young man handing me the check.


    Actually he was infected with the disease of losing, I thought, but I certainly didn’t say so. And they’ll never find a cure for that.

  • Chainsaw Mermaid


    1

    Seems criminal that a person has to wait thirty-nine years to acquire a garden, but that’s what happened to me.


    My father was a sculptor — a master of transformations. His day job was arborist so his tool was a chainsaw. He made many fantastical creatures to populate our wild garden — dragons, demons, griffons. My mother believed too much in personal freedom even to weed – thus giving my father’s creations their perfect background. When my dad asked me what I wanted him to make for me I said, “Mermaid” – the Little Mermaid being all the rage that year. So she was born – a chainsaw mermaid to watch over me through the sumac saplings. Then my father died and life assumed a different mien.


    Turns out there is no freedom without money – a brutal fact with which my mother seemed unprepared to cope. When the process servers came, the things I’d always known were sold piecemeal.


    I’ve haunted junk shops and garden stores ever since, certain I would someday find something of his again, and when I did not, well, it only proves how unwilling anyone would be to part with such masterpieces. But everyone has to die eventually, right? Someday I would find them. And!the right garden to put them in.


    Ron never wanted to be a homeowner, just like he’s never wanted to get married. “Steps to the grave” is what he calls such behavior. He’s more concerned about
    premature burial than Poe ever was. But he’s been so successful in the construction business that finally his lawyer made him see reason, by actually accusing him of throwing money away. That lawyer is the only person I’ve ever heard of who can make Ron do anything. His technique? Numbers.! Show Ron the numbers, and prove to him he’s wasting money.


    If numbers aren’t my thing, neither is begging or cajoling. The really worthwhile things in life are without numerical expression. If a person can’t figure that out for themselves then God help them, I say.!! Ron already has a sneaking suspicion my brain is better than the one he’s got and he wastes too much time trying to convince himself of the opposite. It’s a sore spot – one he irritates himself.
    I was less than thrilled about moving, after finally getting the garden at the rental place just the way I like it. I could hardly imagine that Ron, acting alone (or even with his lawyer) could come up with a house acceptable to me.! Partly because Ron is!the King of Deals – he won’t buy anything unless the price is an absolute steal.!What else can you expect from a man who chains his wallet to his pants? So I took it for granted the place he bought was a dump. Rental agents have legal standards they’re required to maintain, but you can slap a “for sale” sticker on anything. Since Ron’s expertise is construction,! he’s not bothered by little details like missing roofs or bathrooms. He likes to pee outside anyway.


    I’m happy to say I was very surprised. Yes the house – and garage – were a dump and going to be an eternity of work – but that garden! Or “yard” as Ron calls it. Huge! Gorgeous! So overgrown – very reminiscent of the garden of my childhood. Haunted by the ghosts of perennials – hollyhocks and roses and dahlias and poppies– poking up through the weeds. Shadows of espaliered pears and pollarded crabapples. So much room! I was dazzled. I was in love. It was big enough for a water course – a koi pond or even a waterfall. A garden you could get lost !in. Delicious challenge!


    I was unwise enough to let Ron see my rapture. Afterwards I heard him on the phone with his lawyer worrying about what constitutes common law marriage. Would I get some kind of legal hold over him by sharing his legal residence?! (He didn’t know I was listening, natch.) His lawyer reassured him that we don’t live in a common-law marriage state and Ron was all relieved. The property was in foreclosure – too good a deal to allow to slip away.! Some other guy’s grief was Ron’s tax break, because the garage was big enough to store business equipment and there was room enough for a home office. So after offer and counteroffer, scaring me half to death, he bought the place.


    Don’t ask me what Ron’s problem is. I’ve got too strong a gag reflex to study anyone’s psyche closely. All I can say is Ron appears to operate on the basic theory that women are always trying to force men to do things they don’t want to do and the only manly stance is Resistance. In our relationship, I’m cast as the Nazis and he’s the French Underground. Emotional isometrics.!
    At the beginning of our relationship he used to try to get me to take any position, just so he could pick the opposite side. If I switched, he switched. I’m too wily for that now.!I don’t care about marriage. I was married before and it was sufficiently unpleasant that I wouldn’t care to go through anything like it again. The short version is, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and my husband bailed. He was the type who has to be having sex every minute and if you’re under the weather, he’s out the door. And no kids? Dealbreaker.


    I! beat the cancer – I’m a survivor. Forget marriage. I’ve explained all this to Ron this over and over, but Ron thinks women automatically lie about everything. At the start of our relationship it was condoms, condoms, condoms. He’s a double bagger — he just wouldn’t take my word for anything.
    “That’s what they all say,” was his wittiest retort. We must have had sex 180 times before there came that one time when he “wasn’t prepared.” Of course that makes them want it even worse.!I said,“Don’t worry,! baby, I took care of it.”


    Bit of a euphemism for massive organ removal, wouldn’t you say? But things improved from that day forward.!!As a cultivator, bound by the cycles of the seasons, I cultivate patience. I care about potential, about becoming. One thing I learned from my mother is, don’t waste energy. Allow nature to take its course. I respected Ron enough to allow him to take his course; he would love me or not, as he needed to; we would stay together or not. Whatever.


    We’d been together five months – approaching the Critical Half Year – when I got The Speech. He had to wire himself up with a few beers first so I could see something big was coming. He told me he was never getting married and he never wanted children, and I could live under his roof and cook his food and tease his penis but that was it.


    I probably gave him the shock of his life by telling him it was fine with me. Whew! I was afraid he was going to tell me to get a job but as long as he pays the bills
    and lets me do what I want I consider myself lucky. I’ve got too many plans of my own to sign my time over to someone else.


    So I gave Ron my speech. I said that since the condom’s disappearance I had assumed we were a monogamous pair, but if he ever wanted to partake of foreign delights, I would appreciate its reappearance. I wouldn’t say a word of criticism – he was as free as a bird. But I’d be grateful for protective impulses. I’ll share, but I don’t gamble with my health. He said “OK.”
    Although I considered we had an ironclad agreement I couldn’t resist being a bit curious about him. I wasn’t surprised to discover that his most potent fantasy is being handcuffed to a bed. “Control freaks!”


    Careful not to wear her out I saved Dungeon Mistress for our “special” nights. His other fetish seemed to be taking nude pix of me – I have a great body and I don’t mind showing it off – but I draw the line at action fare. And I was gratified to see the condom never again reared its ugly head.
    In a relationship like ours, “Love” is a forbidden word. You don’t want to hear Ron on the subject of love – it’s his least attractive side. He totally buys into the self-interest explanation of why people do things. “Love” doesn’t exist – it’s just dressed-up lust, a social lie people tell to make themselves feel better, yada yada yada.


    He’s “freed” himself from all that. I did feel sometimes like I was having sex with a fifteen year old – he’s not that much younger than me – but if he’s immature, he has other qualities. I learned not to scare him with the things he can’t understand. It just messes with his hard-ons.


    I’m the Queen of Deals myself — I haunt consignment and thrift stores. It’s amazing the treasures you can find. That night I wore my red silk Halston with the long skirt – slit right up to here – and no blouse beneath the jacket.! It doesn’t need a blouse unless I lean way forward, which I wasn’t planning to do. I put on long dangly jet earrings and all my rings.


    I enjoy being alone in restaurants — I insist on one set place so everyone can see I’m not expecting company. I love the whispering, the speculation; whatever they guess about me is wrong. I even enjoy the occasional attempted pickup, but so far I haven’t been tempted to accept.
    Ron keeps his weirdnesses well hidden – he’s a handsome man with a gorgeous body – and he knows what I like in bed — so he’s actually made my standards higher. If he’s intellectually lacking, well, a game of intellectual chess usually results in boudoir disappointment, I find.
    So who could seduce me? Perhaps a man the exact opposite of Ron – wearing, say, a Tom Ford suit with art deco cufflinks; blond, foreign, cosmopolitan.! None of those hanging around our corner of the world.! Not so far.


    I’d been busy with the move and I hadn’t had the opportunity to study the “fine dining” pages and pick a place to patronize, as is my usual amusement. Plus, now that we lived in the country I really didn’t want to go all the way to town. The Smithy was the furthest outpost I could think of where the food was impressive, the ambiance acceptable and the decibels dulled so I steered the BMW there.
    At the entrance to the restaurant I was hurrying from the parking lot as fast as possible in stilettos when I bumped into somebody.! Come to think of it, he bumped into me.
    “Renata,” he said. “Right?”


    “I don’t know you.” I halted abruptly. This was not my dream man, but he was wearing a suit. He was about my height with a receding hairline and long, messy salt and pepper hair. An unkempt moustache. Looked a bit like the manager of a rock group or somebody of that sort.


    “Oh yes you do, Renata. You know me quite well. It’s true we’ve only talked on the phone, but we have so much in common. I’d like to buy you dinner tonight.”
    Hmmmm. Nothing familiar about those bloodhound cheeks, those sad, sad eyes. But he was right. The voice I recognized.


    “Brad Bolio,” I said. “You’re Ron’s lawyer.”
    “Right.”! We were standing in the doorway blocking traffic. He took my elbow and steered me inside.


    “How did you know I was coming here?” I asked. “I didn’t even know myself till about twenty
    minutes ago.”

    “I followed you. I’ve been following you for days.”


    Questioning my memory, I hadn’t noticed him – I hadn’t noticed anybody. But thirty-nine-year-olds don’t expect stalkers. !So I allowed myself to be led to a table. I noticed he chose the darkest corner.


    I ordered the grilled salmon; he selected the lobster ravioli and a bottle of St.Emilion. A vintage that can lead you astray.


    With the long habit of saying the exact opposite of what I’m really thinking, I said, “It’s kind of flattering to be followed. What did it tell you about me?”
    “That you’re a deal taker and a risktaker. I already knew you were clever and cultured. Ron brags
    about you. “


    Jawdropper. I had to struggle not to react. Ron, bragging to others about the very things he criticizes in me?! Be still my heart!


    “I assume you know he has nude pictures of you on his phone and he shows them to everyone. Waitresses, cops, flagmen. People he’s just met. They’re his calling card.”


    This info was less welcome. If he was trying to get a reaction out of me, he’d scored. My one hope was in all this darkness he couldn’t tell how dark I’d reddened.
    Brad Bolio eyed me glitteringly.


    “I ask myself why the hell do you put up with him?” He answered his own question. “I’m guessing you’re addicted. Addicted to comfort.”
    The wine was delicious. I pushed away the forgettable food to concentrate on its dark delight.


    “You’ve got me,” I said. “I’m a lazy risktaker.” I always think of my father when I drink. Why? He used to get down on his knees to speak to me. No man has done it since.
    “Unfortunately,” Bolio was saying, “I’m a risk-taker too. And the house keeps winning.”
    A gambler! Poor bastard.


    “I’ll bet you have a system,” I said.! I’m not a dumb risk taker. I would never bet against the house. The odds are deliberately stacked in favor of the house and everyone knows this. The key is to be the house.


    “Let me show you something.”! He produced a black eelskin document case from his breast pocket and removed a folded square. He wore three big rings – Catholic high school, college and law school rings, judging by appearance. They’re usually the gaudiest. His precise movements didn’t match that big lazy body, so I psychoanalyzed him for amusement. I can smell “internal conflict”. I visualized the gambler in fisticuffs with the attorney, picturing each in a variety of hats. Cowboy? Coonskin? Maybe a Cardinal’s hat to go with those ostentatious rings. He produced a cigarette lighter – gaudy and bejewelled – and lit it so that I could read the paper.


    It was a marriage certificate, made out for Ron Valerio and me. Ron’s side was signed; a line awaited my signature. Somehow, in the midst of packing and unpacking the UHaul, it seemed we had found the time to go to Vegas.


    “Who are these witnesses?” I demanded. “They’re going to know it wasn’t us.”


    “They’re professional witnesses,” said Bolio. “A Franklin is the only face they recognize.”
    “It really looks like his signature,” I teased. “Must be one of his surprises. I wonder when was he going to tell me?”


    “It ain’t real, sweetheart, but the minute you sign it, it’s legal,” and Bolio stretched it helpfully out on the table and offered me a pen. “What Ron doesn’t know won’t hurt him. There’s a will, too. I’m a Renaissance man with many gifts – I’ve been signing Ron’s name for years. Sign here so you will no longer live in sin.! Then everybody’s happy.”


    Maybe after a day of hard work, on an empty stomach and three glasses of wine, I was as high as a kite, because I signed. But I still wasn’t getting it. I was certain Ron knew all about this. It was some kind of underhanded legal maneuver – like, we’re married if it suits Ron financially, and not when it doesn’t. That touchstone. A marriage of convenience. I tolerate ambiguity less well when drunk.
    challenged.


    “Did Ron ask you to come here?”
    Bolio summoned the waitress and addressed her flirtatiously from beneath his lashes. “This lady is cut off,” he said. “Get her a double espresso.”


    “Hey, I signed,” I said. “So how come I don’t get another bottle of wine?! You could always drive
    me home.”


    Bolio sighed. “Because I have something very serious to discuss with you and you need your wits about you. And no, Ron definitely doesn’t know I’m here.”


    The waitress delivered my espresso with a smirk. I felt like giving her the finger. I was starting to feel rebellious but also antsy. Ron wouldn’t like me doing things behind his back – had I just done something stupid? Messed up my future? But if Ron’s signature was forged, couldn’t I claim mine was forged too? But would I get away with it?


    Bolio poured cream so carefully over a spoon it floated on the surface of his coffee. Flashy dude.
    “Ron is very, very rich,” he said. “And he maintains a huge position in undeclared cash. But not as much as he thinks he’s got because when I was in a jam I helped myself to some of it.”
    “And now you can’t pay it back.” I guess the party was over. Regrettably the espresso was working.! Time to smarten up.


    “I’d rather not pay it back,” said Ron’s attorney. “I’d rather kill Ron actually, but for that I need
    your help.”


    “Why on earth do you want to kill Ron?”
    That got a reaction out of me.
    “Doesn’t everyone? Don’t you? Isn’t he the most irritating bastard you’ve ever met? He won’t marry you and he doesn’t love you. He says emotional involvement is for suckers. You got nothing, lady. I expected you to be smarter, actually. After you’ve worn your pretty fingers to the unattractive bone fixing up his brand new house, what’s to keep him from kicking you out and moving in a younger cutie?”


    Of course that had always been a possibility. I simply enjoyed believing Ron couldn’t find anyone as wonderful as Wonderful Me. But Wonderful Me was definitely getting older and missing most of her insides. What if he got some cootchie pregnant? Ron wouldn’t be the first man to decide in his fifties that what he really wanted was a family. I had a sinking feeling Bolio knew plenty of things I didn’t know. But I was hinky. There was still that possibility of a setup.
    “Are you recording this?” I demanded.


    “Why would I? I’d have to be crazy – since I’m doing all the talking, and you’re doing all the listening, right? So listen a little. I need an heir I can trust. You can’t lose! – it’s all gain.! He’ll leave a huge estate. There’s even insurance. We split fifty-fifty and you clear a cool mill after taxes. Did you know he paid cash for that house? Can you imagine such a thing in this day and age? The house would be yours. The cars would be yours. There’s no family around to spike your play. The partners will almost certainly offer to buy you out of the business. I could negotiate that for you. You don’t want to get ripped off.”


    I knew better than to show the rage I was beginning to feel but my remarks were fairly cutting. “And we’ve established how trustworthy you are. My affairs would be so safe in your hands.”
    He was game; a game advocate. And so he advocated. “Look at it this way. We’d each be contributors to the body of the crime, so if we tell on each other we’d be telling on ourselves. My assessment of you is you’re too smart. You enjoy the finer things of life but spend all your time at flea markets. Here I am offering a free upgrade. Want to spend a lifetime in jail? Neither do I. I’m his executor, I’ll see his estate through probate, then we’ll say sayonara. I’m even willing to do all the wet work. The way I see it, all you’ve got right now, is Ron, and if you knew Ron as well as I know him, you’d realize that’s less than nothing.”


    Before meeting Ron I was in sales, so I recognized this technique. Give the sucker two choices – yours and something horrible. Don’t let them think about what could go wrong. This is the same way he probably manipulates Ron.


    “Don’t assume-“ I hissed with a little too much heat but he held up his hand.


    “I’m not assuming anything. I’m asking. You can certainly refuse and that’s the end of it. I wouldn’t dare kill him if you say no, so his life is in your hands. I’ll pay the money back and look for other opportunities.” He shook the eelskin document. “Here’s your bonus for even talking to me about it. Goes in the safe and mum’s the word – only gets found if it needs to get found. All I ask is you sleep on what I’ve said for a week. One week. OK?”


    He leaned over the table, gripping my hand in both his. A musky, heated smell of desire poured off him. He said troatily, “You’re settling for way too little, lady.”


    Finally a come on! I pulled back and loosed my hand. Cocked a brow.
    “Is there a Mrs. Bolio?”


    He threw down his napkin. “There’s a
    question I didn’t expect.! Should I be flattered?”


    I guessed clever Mr. Bolio was still a secret to himself. “You know all about me. Tell me all about you.” I liked seeing him nervous. Unsettled. He rattled his rings against his coffee cup.


    “There are no co-conspirators, if that’s what you’re asking.”
    “That’s not what I’m asking.”


    “There are three Mrs. Bolios. All of them are too expensive. However, they are not in the picture at
    present.”


    “Got a girlfriend?”


    “All my exes live in Texas,” I hummed. He shook his head. “Can’t dignify her with the title.

    “So here’s my final question. Wives or girlfriends –who do you treat better?”


    His mouth worked his moustache nervously. He realized he was auditioning and he didn’t
    like it.


    “I’ll agree with Ron about one thing. Marriage is best avoided,” he said shortly. “My advice to you is pass through engagement and head straight for widowhood. You’re going to be a very wealthy widow. I recommend it as the best of all possible worlds.”


    Of course it didn’t answer my question. But it only raised my suspicion that the truth about Mr. Bolio was that his right hand and his left hand had never even met. When I drank the last cold little bit of espresso, I was sorry to see it go.


    “Do you know how you’ll do it?! Have you gotten that far?”


    Now he was on surer ground. “He makes it pretty damned easy by driving drunk every Saturday night. It’s not a question of how.! It’s a question of when. I favor jamming a beercan under his pedals and stranding him unconscious across the train tracks with the midnight Acela coming through. There’s a bad crossing the town fathers have been dithering about fixing for years. Three deaths there already. Simple but effective.”


    Sounded functional. As the suicide hot line counselors say, his method was sufficiently lethal.! I rose abruptly.


    “OK. I listened.”


    “You’ve got one week,” he reminded me.
    “Call me. I’m number two on your speed dial.”
    That was also true. Over my shoulder I saw him paying for our dinner in cash. Ron’s cash, presumably.

    To be Continued…

  • Please Stop Calling Me Patsy


    This is not an easy tale to tell, Officer, but if you pay attention, I guarantee you’ll understand. I realize I should have known better than to let a guy pick me up in a bar. Tears after bedtime – sometimes even before. But what are bars for? And he had such an original line. And he himself was an original. Moments like that keep a girl getting up in the morning. I know what with your work you’re probably jaded. But let me assure you, lots of us still seek a “gloves off” experience.
    Without that narrow skull he would have been soap-opera handsome. His profile was perfect, but when he faced you head on, you couldn’t help feeling something was missing. And his haircut was strange – very curly at the top and nothing at the sides. Yet he was dressed like he came from money. I found it fun imagining him with long curly locks and a point-lace collar. Little
    Lord Foppington.


    And then, as I said before, he packed such a refreshingly different line!


    “I’d like to take you home to meet my grandmother,” he told me. I mean, come on! How often does a girl hear that sort of thing in a bar? Never even asked who I was. Never showed the slightest interest in my name. In a bandage dress and gladiator heels you wouldn’t have taken me for a Granny’s girl.

    “Would you now?” I teased. “And why’s that?”shuddered as he glanced around at my competition.


    “You look just like Patsy,” he said. He “These other girls are wearing – underwear for clothes.”
    That’s the fashion. Straight from work, they’d probably eagerly removed their suit jackets to show off their toned arms and their barely-there camisoles. I know I would, if I worked an office. Call it “Lewd Friday”.


    He continued, “I dine with Gran once a month and she always insists that I bring Patsy. You don’t mind if she calls you Patsy, do you?”


    “I’m not sure.” As I said before, this was totally new. Truth to tell I was a little tired of my life.

    Anonymity, incongruity — the chance to play at being someone else did appeal in some strange kind of way. Still, a girl owes it to herself to check for lust murderers and anyone recently released from any kind of institution.


    “So what happened to Patsy?”


    He shook his head. “There is no Patsy. Let’s say Patsy is more of an ideal than a person.”


    A compliment? Maybe. Never been called an ideal and asked to meet the granny in my whole life before, and I’ve been around the track. Sometimes I was the greyhound, sometimes the electric bunny. He paid my bar tab and his, taking it for granted that I’d agreed to go. Point number two in his favor: nobody pays for anybody anymore. But I remained somewhat leery as we exited into the parking lot, aware that at the last moment I could always break into a run. Let’s say I’ve learned to run in heels.


    “Is it far away? Don’t tell me it’s in Pennsylvania someplace.”
    “Oh no,” he said. “It’s only two exits up.”


    He drove a pretty old Alpha, lemon yellow with wood grain and leather interior. Nicely taken care of. Quite a distinctive car. Point number three. It decided me. Everyone knows serial killers drive muscle cars. American.


    Still, I jumped at the chance to inspect the trunk when he offered. Can’t be too careful.
    “Would you like a blanket? I have one in the boot. The heater’s a bit iffy.”


    The trunk contained dark brown luggage and a gift basket. No crowbar, no rifle, no chainsaw, not even a tire iron that I could see. Point four. Nick extracted a plaid blanket and tucked it over me as I crawled somewhat uncomfortably into the front bucket seat. In case I ever needed to, plan B was; throw the blanket over his head and grab for the keys. Tight squash even for two people.
    I said, “You didn’t mention your name.”


    “I’m Nick,” he said. “Nick Quilliver.” He acted as if I might recognize it. I didn’t.


    Subtle to the end, I “jostled” the glove compartment till it fell open. Contained only maps. No knives, handguns, or tasers. Point five in Nicky’s favor. Of course God knew what he had in his luggage but whatever it was, he couldn’t get to it very fast.

    “You have to bang on that thing,” he said, giving it the full fist. He wore a pinky ring on his right hand. Ancient signety-looking thing. Point for or point against? Too late. We were off. But since he’d paid my bar tab at least I had mad money. I’ve made it a point to pay in cash ever since I discovered that if you use a credit card they find it all too easy to track you down. You know. Stalkers. Call it the price of beauty.


    It was a difficult car to have a conversation in since it rattled like a soapbox derby with the wheels coming off. But as one used to conversing in bars, I gave it my best shot.


    “So Patsy is blonde?” I shouted.


    “Patsy has long, old fashioned hair. That’s what Grandmother likes.”


    I didn’t tell him the hair was no more real than Patsy was. Still, it was comforting to know I had the option of changing my appearance substantially, if this whole project went smash.


    “Grandmother likes, or Nicky likes?” “My name’s not “Nicky”, he snapped. “And my name’s not Patsy.”

    But he didn’t ask me what it really was.


    Two exits bullshit; we went all the way to Queen of Prussia. First lie. I paid close attention to directions in case I had to guide a cab driver, so I gave up on conversation.

    I was demanding a big house at this point and I wasn’t disappointed. Dd you see it? Pretty impressive; a stone mansion at the top of a hill, blazing with lights. You enter the drive between a pair of gender- bender lions that could have been in better shape. Or were they hyenas? I’ve heard hyenas can change sex when they feel like it. Just to spice things up.


    Nicky drove around to the back, where the shape of the house was concealed by masses of ivy. There was an old-fashioned half-timbered carriage house but Nicky parked right outside the back door and threw his keys beneath the seat. He fetched the gift basket and we entered into a narrow cloakroom where piles of broken crockery stood in baskets right beside the door, and an assortment of Homer Winslow outerwear hung to the left. As soon as we stepped into the light of the kitchen a tiny woman rushed forward in a blast of scotch.


    Nick’s grandmother was short, with iron- gray hair pulled back in a bun. She wore mannish black- rimmed glasses with very thick lenses behind which her eyes seemed to float like anxious fish in an unfamiliar aquarium. She was attired in a neat lace blouse and a gray skirt appropriate for fifty years ago. The effect was somewhat ruined by casually applied vivid red lipstick and huge chunky glass dime-store earrings that couldn’t have been real. They couldn’t have been.


    Makeup, palette knife, bottle of Johnnie Walker, it’s a bad combination, I was thinking as she enclosed me in her surprisingly muscular arms. You have to be careful not to get any of it on you.


    “Patsy! I’m so glad to see you. Have you been watching the war?”

    “Which war?” I felt disoriented. Gran cocked her head to look at me in tense disappointment. “The War. We. Are. Having.”


    “I don’t watch the news. It’s too upsetting.” Really I just don’t have the time. I hadn’t been coached but it seemed I’d said the right thing, because she nodded excitedly.


    “I know you’re busy with the Online. But you must have heard this – the president is an alien.”
    Poor president! I pictured him trying to cover up his reptilian feelers at press conferences. I glanced at my date but Nicky extruded no vibes.


    “I never go online,” I hazarded. I mean, she was an old lady. Chat Roulette would probably kill her. “I prefer the papers.”


    Her face broke into a delighted grin. “Bless you, Patsy!” Were those tears in her eyes? It had seemed a safe enough guess; over her shoulder I saw the kitchen table strewn with newspapers, and now that she bustled away with our coats, I got the chance to see they were super-mart tabloids. Explaining the “alien” comment.


    We were in a kitchen so old-timey it should have been a museum. Metal counters, very tired green linoleum, green metal cabinets, and an iron range. At the table sat an ancient black woman who did not acknowledge our presence. She was carefully cutting articles out of the newspapers.


    “Don’t bother with the coats, Edna,” shouted Mrs. Quilliver. “I’ve taken care of those. You make yourself busy with the canapés.”

    It was so cold in the kitchen dinner appeared a hopeless project. Not to mention “canapés”. Looking closer, I saw that atop her unraveling sweaters Edna had pasted a “Hello, I’m Hannah” sticker. Maybe she would acknowledge us if Mrs. Quilliver ever got her name right. Possibly Hannah didn’t like being an ideal, more than a person.


    Fortunately we still had the gift basket, which was assuming critical importance as Nicky toted it to the living room.


    “I saw such an interesting interview with a soldier’s mother,” Mrs. Quilliver prattled on. “Soldiers need strong relationships with their mothers, wouldn’t you agree? It helps to keep them celibate.”
    Conversation with Gran promised to be rough going. I’ll admit Patsy was flattened by that one. Clearly I should not say anything about lady soldiers. “Don’t ask don’t tell” seemed suddenly a sane-seeming policy this Patsy decided to adopt.


    We passed through a long hall that probably ran the length of the house. I could see a muddy looking length of carpet, stairs disappearing upwards and a glass cases filled with moth-eaten dead things.


    “My husband was such a collector,” said Mrs. Quilliver obscurely. She guided me to a wing chair upholstered in a particularly nasty green bargello.


    “There,” she said. “I always think of this as Patsy’s chair. In fact, I’m leaving it to you in my will.”


    Nicky finally spoke up. “Why bother with a will, Gran? Since you’re going to live forever.” He took
    three silver goblets from a drinks cart and gazed at me meaningfully and asked,
    “Iced tea?”

    There was no mistaking his allusion.

    “Please,” I said. “And don’t be stingy with the lemon.”

    There was a bottle of crème de menthe in the gift basket and I saw him doctor all our drinks. Didn’t taste too bad. Nick makes his “iced tea” super-strong.


    Mrs. Quilliver said, “I wish I could offer you a glass of wine, Patsy, but Edna has A Problem and I feel we must be supportive.”


    Nicky raised his goblet. “Here’s to outliving everybody else!” he toasted, saying to me sotto voce, “Gran will be ninety next birthday.”


    Mrs. Quilliver rapped his arm and chortled in high good humor. “Age is just a number, darling.”


    “What a party we’ll have,” sighed Nick, producing a Swiss army knife and attacking a lump of cheese from the basket. I watched hungrily. Sitting in a bar is hard work and a girl needs sustenance.


    Hoping we had finally put “the war” behind us, I asked, “So what would you like for your birthday, Mrs. Quilliver?” You know, just trying to get on top of the spirit of the occasion, instead of under it.


    “Well, I’d like you two to get married,” said the old woman. “But I don’t kid myself I’ll get my wish.”

    She allowed her gaze to drift to a large painting that occupied a place of honor on the wall. It depicted four children, three fair-haired little girls and a dark haired boy, all dressed in Winnie the Pooh-era outfits. The girls sat on the floor playing with a Pekingese so badly painted it might have been a toy. The boy behind them held a bow and arrow.


    “Ninety is such a magic year,” smiled Nicky. “There’s no telling what you’ll get.”


    “I’d also like the dead to walk,” mused the old lady, “Just for one day. So I have somebody to talk to. It’s no fun being the winner if nobody knows you are. Can you believe they said I was such a runt I wouldn’t even grow up? They didn’t think I’d make it.”


    “Triplets, “ Nick hissed at me in a stage whisper, gesturing to the painting. He spread out crackers and attacked a sausage next.


    “The doctor said I would be slow.” Granma smacked her lips appreciatively over her drink. “He was completely wrong about everything.”


    “That’s doctors for you,” I said, but both of them ignored me. It wasn’t Patsy’s turn to speak.


    “You showed ‘em. You’ve led a charmed life, Gran,” Nick flattered the old lady. “Why bother going to the mountain if the mountain always comes to you?”


    “That is not true,” snorted Mrs. Quilliver, “not true at all. No one knows my suffering. Everyone is dead but me.”

    Did Nick’s strong iced tea accelerate or inhibit all this suffering, I wondered?
    “But they’ve been dead so long,” Nick protested. “They were already dead when that was
    painted.”


    Mrs. Quilliver looked thoughtful. “My poor father needed a memento. But they deserved to die. My sisters were so mean. They excluded me from their private language. And my brother kept shooting my pets and saying it was an accident. Death became them.”


    I hoped she wouldn’t think Patsy should already know the story, because I was plenty curious. “Er – what happened, exactly?”


    She was glad to tell it. “The day they died – they were disobedient as always. Skating where they had been told not to – and after they said to my face I couldn’t come!”


    “Lucky you,” sighed Nick. He was bored. “See what I’ve been saying?” The crème de menthe was all used up. Round two was doctored from a silver pocket flask. Bourbon, by the taste of it. Not a guy in fear of mixing. I decided I‘d better pretend to drink.


    Mrs. Quilliver still seemed angry. The past was not her happy place. “Then father adopted Peter and left him all his money. He said in his will that Peter should marry me, but Peter married someone else.”


    I was riveted. “And then what happened?”


    “I got Peter after all,” said Mrs. Quilliver loftily. “Things worth doing are worth doing well. How
    forgetful you are, Patsy. But I suppose a short memory is useful in your business.”


    Was Patsy in politics? I wondered.


    Dearest Nick-Nick-Nicky helped me out. “We just love hearing that story,” he drawled. To me he said, “Gran doesn’t get the vapors. Gran gets even.”


    “Clever,” I murmured. “So how did you do it? How did you get Peter after all?”


    “He called me a “jolie laide”.” She giggled. “That means good in bed.”

    Actually, I speak French. That’s not what it means.
    Standing uncorrected, she continued. “There’s a certain lack of adventure in marrying one’s cousin. I don’t deny it. However, needs must when the devil drives.”


    Hmmm. Who gave the devil the car keys? I was still trying to work this all out when Edna-Hannah appeared. To her home-knitted outfit she had added an old corduroy hunting hat with moth-eaten fur flaps.


    “It’s because she hates noise,” Nicky whispered so stagily I was certain she’d overhear. But what she said was, “Dinner is served.”

    “Nurse Jones will carve,” Mrs. Quilliver announced.
    Placed as it was in the center of the house, the dining room was small and windowless. Its low ceiling made me feel we entered a cave. A masculine-looking woman in old-fashioned nurse’s dress was tackling a roast.

    So there was food.“Hello Patsy,” said the nurse in a deep voice. “I think you like your meat well done?”


    I didn’t, but the roast was almost incinerated anyway so why argue? Patsy had scarfed up sausage, it was too late for Patsy to pretend to go vegan now.


    Nicky refilled his flask from a sideboard bottle labeled, “Lamp Black.” I grabbed a water-glass in self-protection.


    At least the chairs were Mad Hatter armchairs into which we all could comfortably sink. I sat across from a dark painting depicting a fire at sea; overwhelmed by flames, a five-masted schooner was obviously sinking. Above Mrs. Quilliver’s head hung a painting of a huge black dog so hairy was faceless. The gold plate bore the legend: Mumbo, 1941-1949. You tell me what is the point of a dog portrait whose face you cannot see!


    I couldn’t help noticing the nurse’s dark hairy arms as she passed me my plate. I was fairly certain “she” was a man. Another “ideal”? Was Mrs. Quilliver’s life “charmed” because it contained avatars, rather than people?


    “Gravy?” croaked Nurse Jones.


    “Bring it on,” I said, but Mrs. Quilliver shook her head disapprovingly.


    “You can’t afford it,” she told me pointedly. “Too much of the damage is internal.”


    “She’s such a tease,” said Nicky, out loud. “Don’t fall for it. Nurse, what’s the medical opinion?”

    “Everyone gets gravy,” prescribed the nurse, slopping all our plates. “I insist. With the streets so dangerous there’s nothing to enjoy but food.”


    “But Patsy’s lineage has so much heart,” complained Mrs. Quilliver.
    Ain’t that the truth.


    “Patsy will be fine,” said the nurse, resting a huge, work-roughened hand along my arm. “As long as she keeps up her exercise.”


    “Speaking of sex,” said Mrs. Quilliver, turning her fog-lamps on me, “I trust you’re spending the night? I turned on the electric blankets in the Rose Room with my own hands.”


    “I put them in the Blue Room, honey” said the nurse. “It’s got the bidet.”


    It seemed I was dessert. I think I lost my usually hardy appetite at that exact moment. Studying the large black plate in front of me it seemed there was nothing I could eat. Was that kale, foxglove or collard greens?


    I had to spend my time doing something. Usually adding up the shekels is occupation enough. My brother in the antiques business would certainly have remarked on all this silver. It was heavy enough and seemed ancient. Still, the room was so dark it might have been plate. I held my goblet to the candle in an effort to interpret the hallmark.

    “Quis Custodiet Custodes.” quoted Mrs. Quilliver thrillingly, thinking I was trying to read the coat
    of arms. “It’s the family motto. ‘Who out-cleans the cleanest?” .


    Actually, I studied Latin. That’s not what it means. Bread was passed. Stale, of course. Think big croutons.

    “Is this rice?”

    Mrs. Quilliver demanded, showing me a bowl of mashed potatoes. “Edna knows I hate Chinese food. It seems so disloyal in light of the world situation.“

    “It’s mashed potatoes, dear,” croaked the nurse.


    “That woman will take any shortcut,” Mrs. Quilliver muttered obscurely. Nick refilled all our goblets. The “lamp black” smelled like peach schnapps.


    As Nicky slid back into his seat, his foot brushed mine. Or was it the nurse? Or possibly both of them? And what about that look they gave me? Suddenly a moaning sound – human? – seeped into the room. I was so startled I dropped a knife. I could have ignored it if it weren’t for the thumping overhead. The chandelier tinkled threateningly. If I had had a hat with earflaps I would have out it on.


    “She’s restless tonight,” said the nurse. “It’s the change in weather.”


    “Well, can’t you knock her out for dinner?” snapped Mrs. Quilliver.


    “You said no pain control,” Nurse Jones sighed regretfully. “I could give her a Xanax.”


    “I’m not wasting my Xanax on her,” barked Mrs. Quilliver. “That defeats the point.”

    Evidently everyone wasn’t dead. I had to think how Patsy identify this new player, seemingly banging a cane on the floor. The ceiling shook threateningly and the chandelier swung so enthusiastically I slid my chair back, ready to spring for safety.


    “I’ll calm her down.” Mrs. Quilliver, Martyr, wiped her mouth and left a long red smear along the lace. “She just wants attention. She knows she’s being naughty.”


    She walked to the stairs, stooped over, unmistakably, now a ninety-year old woman. I guess the prison guard is a prisoner too. In fact, that’s a much better translation of the “family” motto.


    As her footfalls died away Nurse Jones coaxed Lady Gaga from the sideboard radio. “Just dance,” he/she sang, swaying to the music. Nicky rose eagerly. and they began to dance. I hoped they had eyes only for each other, but no such luck. They were both after me to complete their chorus line.
    A threesome? Not very “original” after all, and not what I’d expected. Funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.


    “I take it you’ve tumbled to our little secret,” Nick said, flexing his eyebrows at me.


    “I’m not sure,” I replied. “It’s so dark in here there are probably plenty of secrets still uncovered. Like who is that upstairs?”


    “Oh, that’s the first Mrs. Quilliver. Peter had to divorce her to marry Gran. But Gran promised to
    always take care of her. “ He laughed. “Come on. Dance with us.”


    “Give me a minute.” I rose. “I need to ”powder my nose.”


    “There’s a nice big bathroom upstairs,” Nicky tempted. “Or a cloakroom cubby where you came
    in.”


    That’s just what I was hoping he would say, because I saw where he put the Alpha keys. I melted gracefully into the hallway and out through the kitchen.
    Edna-Hannah sat at the table cleaning an ancient pistol which she had broken down in pieces on the newspaper in front of her. She barely looked up as I departed the house of the people who call things by their wrong names, but she did say goodbye.


    Get it, Officer? I didn’t steal the car, I was trying to report a crime in progress. Clearly they were holding an old lady against her will. But how could I possibly have guessed what Edna-Hannah was planning, just because she was cleaning a gun? Guns need cleaning just like everything else and that entire house was a sink hole. She seemed fine, judging by the last thing she said.

    She said, “You take care now.”Amen, sister. “Right,” I agreed. “Or be taken care of.”

  • The Woeful Victory

    ELIZABETH SIDDAL; The Woeful Victory
     
    Be still.


    It is evening.


    I almost recognized you; who are you


    Fair one?


    Your mouth is stuffed with poppy hair;


    Fate lies coiled between your breasts


    Like a snake. But


    Your tongue’s torn out.


    You are the echo of my thoughts.


    (I am the motionless cradle.)


    Your flesh takes fire from my setting sun.


    Will you free me, O Lady of the Sundial?


    My eyes are growing dim.


    (Perfect love’s not found this side of heaven.)


    I shall paint you vermilion


    Butcher nightingales and use their tongues for brushes


    Melt you foil & verdigris


    to the tune of Canterbury bells.


    Stay awhile, Fair one.


    I almost thought you spoke.


    (I am the face rising from the pool


    to drag the drinker deep.)


    I am not whole, dear lady.


    I am not myself.


    Who are You?


    (I am thyself. What hast thou done to me?)

  • Behind the Wish


    It was hard leaving Brenda. Morton Pinkney Fitzgibbons III looked out the airplane window at his own reflection in the blue lights. His parents didn’t like Brenda. They hadn’t even allowed her to come to the airport. They were always saying disapprovingly how he hadn’t been the same since he’d met her. They didn’t bother concealing their relief that his college was so far away, or smirking that Brenda’s family finances didn’t run to bicoastal airfares. This way she couldn’t “pester” him, they said. Morty had spent the past four years giving it everything he had to get into a prestigious college, but he wondered if he didn’t hate himself a little bit for giving in so easily, for not standing up to them. But heck, just a few months ago he’d been a little kid.


    They were absolutely right when they said he wasn’t the same, and about time too. He’d hardly dated any girls in prep school – date-nights at his all-male school were so formalized he’d pretty much backed off and let his mother do the heavy lifting. None of the girls she picked were easy. She must give them a questionnaire, or a job interview, or something to determine their absolute hopelessness as potential girlfriends. Right from the first Brenda was different. Not just a girl to “begin”, to “experiment” on, as he had imagined in his lonely self- projections. She was the girl. In restaurants people already turned to stare at her and she was only seventeen. It actually was kind of insulting the way his parents attributed his new maturity completely to Brenda. Showed what a spineless jellyfish they’d always considered him.

    That jellyfish, swimming down the darkly stained oak halls of his worthless school, that wasn’t his real self at all. Anyone who knew anything knew that. Look at his reports: “Morton seems to have deep reserves he has yet to draw on” and “excellent work but hardly to capacity.” The school psychologist said, “Doesn’t let anyone get close” and “polite but uncooperative.” Like you could study The Prince in class all day and then make a “buddy” out of the school shrink! What kind of retard did they take him for?


    That creature walking through the halls of Asbury Prep had been more like an animated corpse, or an “astral double”. The real Morty was sleeping, was gathering power. Gathering strength. The real Morty wouldn’t waste his time with their version of “leadership” – because their version of leadership was servanthood. The real Morty was a Champion.


    Pretending to empower you, the school actually harnessed you. Drained you. They demanded lying, insisted on evasion, mandated phoniness and reveled in fakery – they didn’t care who the hell you really were at all. And it wasn’t just Morty who noticed it. Not a kid on his floor dared reveal his true self. Every authentic interaction sapped you – because it turned you into a sap — better hold your fire. Save enough force so you could become who you needed to be, who you were meant to be,
    later on.


    The plane was taxiing to its runway. Morty kept his face averted, absorbing the blue light, so his father wouldn’t attempt conversation. He felt a strange prickling inside his forehead, but it wasn’t pain. When he met Brenda he was taking pills for ulcers, pills for attention, for sleeplessness, for cluster headaches. Turned out all he needed was sex. That as the big secret they had been
    keeping all those years! He guessed it was like being in the army – they kept you deprived to keep you passive. Once you discovered that, you mastered confidence. Each time he locked loins with Brenda freed him a little more. The soggy curtain that had separated him from the universe since childhood fell away. He didn’t need the pills anymore. It made better financial sense to sell them. When he felt this tingling in his forehead he imagined himself head-butting the universe — breaking the glass that separated him from the world.


    Morty picked at the weird fabric of the airplane’s window curtain with his thumbnail. What was this stuff? It was some kind of man-made junk, not plastic, not cloth, more like Fiberglas. That was the trouble with the world these days. Nothing was real. People had been pushing fakes so long they forgot what reality was. Sex was real.


    Connecticut dropped away below him until there was nothing left to see. But still he kept his face averted, hoping his father wouldn’t pull the trigger on another awkward, pathetic conversation. He liked his father – would have said he loved him if love wasn’t a feeling now reserved for Brenda alone. But his father was a decoy, some kind of “staked goat” offered to lure him into letting down his guard.


    His father used to write music – had a band even back when they lived in Stoneyport – but one of the incontestable facts about Stoneyport was that if you lived there year round, you were nobody. So it was just their summer place now and his father was too busy tending other people’s money to waste any more time on progressive jazz. “Progressive jazz” wasn’t even a “thing” anymore, even, nobody did it, nobody had even heard of it. His father’s time was up. The old man tried not-so-
    subtly to blame the kids – they all did that — that was the way grown-ups operated – you were the reason for everything! They did it for you! Guilt, the gift that keeps on giving. At school they were always after you to “assume responsibility”. The school’s motto was “No excuses.” If the dog really ate your homework you needed punishment for having such a freakin’ unruly dog. Morty had been trained to recognize buck-passing by the best-in- show. He knew exactly whose fault everything was.
    Take his mom for instance. She was a screamer.

    She had a super-simple business model: just yell and scream till you get what you want. Amazing how effective it was. Nobody would pay to get that in the real world – not since the concentration camps closed – but in interpersonal relationships “Making a Scene” was the strategy to beat. No one was willing to go up against her. Nobody could outlast her. The thing that really got his goat was she pretended, in the midst of epic rages, to be a competent, polished adult. Oh, yeah, she set herself up as judge as well as executioner! A day didn’t pass without a tweet, email or sticky note about how he had failed her perfect standards. He was sick of it, really. The degrading scenes, the room searches, the “white glove” inspections. He had long since learned to leave nothing personal, nothing of any importance in his room.


    He could imagine her prowling around when he wasn’t there – feeling up his underwear and sneaking looks beneath his mattress, hoping to find the weed, the smokes, the girly mags she could get her wail on about. Nothing there; but there were always Brenda’s phone calls and text messages good for a public session of electro-shock; a thong trophy lifted from her son’s blazer pocket or the wet scrap of bikini discarded on the cabana floor. Scream-a-thon if Morty was using condoms; Shriek-


    a-thon if he wasn’t; take your pick. Good thing she couldn’t get a hold of Brenda’s mom – there was no dad – or she would have made her life a living hell. But Brenda’s mom was one of those unlucky females forced to actually contribute to society instead of just yelling at people – she lived at work – and hospital dispatch don’t take personal calls.


    Morty’s mom was fat. That was her real trouble. Morbid obesity. Her body was so swollen that from a distance she looked like a tiny block placed atop a big one. If anyone ever said anything about dieting – even diets in general – Elsa the She-Wolf went right upstairs and cried. Then she came downstairs and screamed harder. She actually forced her kids to eat ice cream. Bizarre. Morty could burn it off and his father preferred alcohol but it wasn’t doing his little sister any favors.
    His mom’s fashion solution was to wrap herself in shawls. Not working. Who asked for a Hungarian peasant woman for a mother? Frankly, it was embarrassing. There was his tall, distinguished, tired father partnering Hulda the Witch to school events. Bad.


    She was sitting behind him now, talking to Gracie in a baby voice, trying to “persuade” her not to kick her father’s seat back. Gracie was ignoring her — poor Gracie wasn’t able to stand up for herself yet, so passive aggression was all she had going. What hope could there possibly be for her with an example like that? She was finished before she started. Morty knew – he had been forced to listen – that she wasn’t in the “popular” group at her school and surprise! Screaming and threats failed to fix the situation. Face it: his mom made everything worse. Your misery was her modus operandi in life.


    Morty hated leaving Brenda. Everybody said college was so great, but what if college turned out to be another Asbury Prep in disguise? A place where “Gentlemen’s Agreement” meant upperclassmen torturing underclassmen for three long years? Could he stand it? It would be a relief getting away from his parents. His Mom was getting harder to fool – and his dad was sinking so fast it was politer to avert your gaze.


    Mom had allowed Morty to invite Brenda to his pool party. It was all a trick of course. She was trying to find out if they’d been “seeing each other behind her back”. Belligerent as a tank in her red-skirted suit she’d gathered steam watching Brenda lounging in her invisible bikini, belly jewels and hummingbird tats. Swim-suited Morty tried to convince his Mom that his circular red weals were “wrestling burns”; that was a hard enough sell, but when Morty’s father rubbed sunscreen along Brenda’s shoulders Hulda blew like Vesuvius. Only coming down at midnight to make herself spaghetti.


    On the way to the airport the screaming was particularly intense. She lashed them, beat them, drubbed them all with waves of sound; then, the minute they hit the ticket counter she snapped out of it like the psycho from Three Faces of Eve. Sybil from the suburbs.


    Now Mom was taking Gracie to the bathroom. Didn’t trust an eleven year old to go alone. Morty closed his eyes but he could imagine the horrible scene in the aisle, his mother’s huge hips bumping into everything, her tight black dress riding up in little ridges around knees and waist. He vividly imagined her falling into the laps of a pair of horrified strangers, struggling with flight-attendants, burping and farting and shrieking while the pilot appeared personally to help place her in restraints. If only.


    There must be something pleasurable he could do with his imagination; playing Vice Cop3 or texting Brenda a note to send when cellphones were allowed.
    But completely unbidden a new thought popped into his head. What if they were dead? All of
    them.


    Now a new vision; himself walking down an antiseptic corridor, a doctor shaking his head like a metronome. Repeating, “I’m so sorry, sorry, sorry…”
    Then Morty could call Brenda, even in the middle of the night, never mind about her beauty sleep, telling her, “We’re rich.”


    Because he would be, wouldn’t he? Even though his parents moaned and groaned about the expense of two homes and their crushing load of debt, there were retirement funds and college accounts and a pile of insurance because Hulda wasn’t getting left
    penniless like her own mother had been.


    Morty and Brenda would go to Europe — she had never seen it — he could show her all the places he knew and all the places he didn’t know. Wasn’t making love to Brenda under all the bridges of Paris the only education really worth having?


    He reached in his pocket and felt the satiny scrap Brenda had left for him, and it was so reminiscent of her all the blood left his tingling forehead and tumesced between his legs. Morty pulled down his tray table to conceal his excitement.


    But how could he do it? He summoned up the whole of his first class education: the difference between a wish and a goal was a plan. Three people were a lot to ask for. How about a car crash? That would be a start. Get him out of college and visiting a hospital, then he would see what he could do. His parents were renting a car to drive back home so they could see Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon and all the other boring obligatory stuff. His father always drove because of his mother’s bad back, and he always carried coffee in case he felt sleepy. Morty still had plenty of sleeping pills; easy enough to give his father a doctored thermos as a thoughtful, parting gift. His mother never drank coffee, she insisted on Earl Grey and if you couldn’t provide that, God help you. It was a plan. A shy, modest beginning of a little plan, but unmistakably, a plan. He drummed his fingers ecstatically on his plastic tray table.


    His father had obviously been awaiting just such a conversational opportunity.
    “Hungry for airplane food?” he teased. Morty said, “Hungry for everything.”