20 Aug 76 – 11 AM – Inside I start my psycho-thrillerThe Mass at St Secaire for the thousandth
time with one good idea: Manage transitions by IGNORING them.
Just start abruptly somewhere else and worry about it later! Outside
R sits in a lawn chair playing the guitar. When he falls silent he’s writing
down notes. He says I have a good effect on him, getting him writing again.
In the meantime, I made a list of literary essays I want to
write and to my surprise there were more than 20. When I get back I
will make a folder for each one and start collecting notes and ideas,
beginning when I feel I have enough. How to finish a book of poems,
finish and send out a novel, write 20 literary essays while working a
45 hr week? My heart quavers. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get a job
that isn’t straight typing – then I have to type when I come home.
Balzac could have done it. Trollope could have done it – I don’t
think I can do it. But I certainly don’t want to lose R – he is a rare
being. I need a deus ex machina of some kind. Maybe my gothic
will sell.
So glad this is our last day. Couldn’t say that to R –
he would think I hadn’t enjoyed myself. Last night he stretched
me out naked on his lap and played me like a guitar – most
delicious thing. Waves of ecstasy bulging, rolling and crashing
inside me. He says I’m so fun to please. Talks about how he
would like to adopt deaf children. This means I would have to
learn sign. Sounds good but I feel lazy and stubborn. Feel like
a fledgling – flight pattern undetermined.
R. wrote a song called Blue Lake Blues. Bad. I wrote a
poem called Diaries. Don’t know what I think of it.
Diaries
I don’t remember anything – I’m an amnesiac so I write everything down Stuffed in my closet Beneath discarded ball gowns utterly useless but too beautiful to throw away. Recollect & treasure Acts of writing An up and over downtime scrawl; Recall a surgeon Cutting flesh Tugging, swearing, splitting ,sweating peeling waste & want. Fierce liftoff – Airborne I’m granted Hawk’s-eye vision Backwards , forwards Past & future. Too much dig is spoilage- Freedom mined Invaluable.
Club Shalimar, Mon 23 Aug 76
Should be glad to be back but I’m so depressed.
Everything so mixed up. Promised R I’d get another job so
now I have to look for one, which won’t be pleasant. God
knows what I’ll have to say I was doing. Once when I was
married I tried to get a loan and of course they wouldn’t give me
one without “collateral” – something of which I’d never heard.
Dad told me to tell them I had a basement filled with gold bullion.
I guess I could just tell employers the bullion ran out.
Then I walk up to the club and whose car should be
there – but R’s. He had told me he wouldn’t come in as long as
I was working there. He said he just needed to talk to Rick because
Rick is helping him feel better.
I think what will happen is that I won’t work there any
more but R will drop in when he feels like it. I want to “ban” him
but I even more don’t want to be having these conversations.
He says I just do it for the money and because it’s easy and of
course that’s perfectly true. If I got $500 a week from writing I
probably wouldn’t dance.
The fact that something feels natural and pleasurable
and doesn’t leave you feeling depleted at the end of each day
isn’t a point against it to my way of thinking. He’s just an old
fashioned sexist pig. On the other hand he is a special person
and I definitely don’t want to dance forever.
Sometimes I think the whole problem is that he’s
getting a divorce and he’s so unready for a relationship he’s
giving me hoops to jump through. But even if we got married
I’d have to be at financially independent – he’s just too different
from me for me to trust that he will agree with me about what’s
right for me. My theory is it doesn’t hurt to look for a job. Maybe
I’ll find something special or interesting.
11:20 PM – A called – R staggered in dead drunk,
said “Call Alysse and tell her I’m here and set the alarm for 5:30”
and then passed out on the sofa. I told them to hide his car keys
in case he wakes up and tries to go someplace. I’m glad he’s safe,
on the other hand I’m annoyed that he’s been touring the bars.
He plainly didn’t go to his apartment, drink and then go to my
house. My guess is total strangers up and down Wisconsin
Avenue have been hearing his heartrending saga of the misery of
Shalimar – 3:30 PM –13 Aug 76 Was sitting on a box of Lite Beer sipping coffee
reading Miss Read when Carmen warned me that the boss
might fire me for reading. Apparently writing he doesn’t mind
so much, probably because he can’t imagine anyone keeping
it up longer than 10 mins at a time. R. will be here soon, then
we hit the bank, pick up my stuff and we’re on the road for the
Finger Lakes. Five hours alone in the car. I find I have a lot
of inhibitions against voicing boundaries in our relationship –
mainly because I don’t want to be lied to. I want to find out
how things really are. For example, he spent last night in
Gaithersburg with his wife. Now her I’m jealous of, because
he used to love her, used to think she was a “catch” and
was surprised and gratified that she “descended” into
marriage with him.
I probably won’t ask him if they had sex because
it would be making too much of it. He’s said before he wouldn’t,
and she definitely wouldn’t. But I can’t believe a woman who
knows she’s losing a man might not change in her feelings –
just to see what power she has left. I would, if he wanted the
divorce and I didn’t. Will I be able to tell just by looking at him?
R feels the right to be jealous and possessive over me, which
I don’t grudge him since I’m naturally monogamous. He feels
no discomfort making rules for me. But he should.
6:00 PM Saturday 14 Aug 76 Finger Lakes Lying on the bed in our tiny TINY two room cabin –
with just a curtain separating the rooms – I was going to write
here about how much I love my job (I really miss dancing so
much when I’m away from it – the ideal thing would be three
sets a day for life) – when R came in, threw himself on me,
tore my clothes off, began kissing my breasts and exploring
my tan lines and pressing his beautiful valued body hard hard
hard into mine – and you know what happened next. If he turns
the fan on high I don’t think the other campers can hear our little
yips and screams. At least I hope not. We spent last night in his
grandmother’s house in Binghamton, New York.
She bedded us down in separate rooms – he gave me a
long lecture about how you have to respect the house rules of
whoever you’re staying with – and then who do you think showed
up in the middle of the night saying he couldn’t sleep. It is ecstatic
to have sex almost without moving – this must be what Tantra is like.
We were directly over her and the bed creaked so we didn’t move a
muscle – absorbed and shed each other like snakes. Wonderful.
Next stop was R’s cousins who own the cabins. I don’t know
what to say about them – plastic flowers and Sonny James. My state
of deep shock probably resembled mental retardation. Some people’s
houses are frighteningly ugly. Their clock has eyes, they keep the
plastic on the lampshades. I just sat there while the ethnic and sex
jokes filtered around me. Who could blame R’s first wife for
shunning this bunch?
I would not choose them for buddies either. And the fact
that they are renting us a cabin doesn’t appear to mean we will
also get privacy – so I have taken to wearing my glasses. Number
one – I don’t see as well – number two – it creates a kind of screen
between me and them.
The Lake is beautiful – but I don’t need to go in more than
twice a day – I also don’t have the patience for the fish-a-thons that
absorb the rest of them, dawn till dusk.
Plus one time waterskiing was plenty. Since dinner is a
vast barbecue down at the beach every night and we only have
sandwiches for lunch and cereal for breakfast there is not that
much to do, thank God. Sadly the dinners are followed by
hours of dancing, drinking and fighting. I go to bed early to read
but R stays and plays “peacemaker”. Tonight he says he’s going
to let them kill each other and join me. Therefore I can set up my
typewriter on the kitchen table and get right to it. People keep
coming to bring me coffee and cookies – I think they really
want to see a writer “in action” – at the end of this trip I MAY
be 20 lbs heavier. The rest of my time is spent sunning and reading.
Unfortunately St. Secaire going VERY badly. Complete
horseshit, alas.
I’ve started it four separate times. I think at this point I just
have to keep going and hope it’s possible to clean up the mess later.
Tuesday 17 Aug 76 7:30 PM Outside a fair number of people, all high as kites,
revving their engines and swearing they’re leaving and never
coming back. I don’t know if anybody’s actually going to GO
or not but I wish they would. No wonder R had nothing to do
with these people for four years – he may conveniently blame
his wife but the truth is none of them can stand each other.
Pack of wolverines. I’ve been left totally alone and am well
out of it – they may have forgotten I am even here. Last night R
was so depressed he just lay on the bed exhausted by them. I
tried to explain to him about resentment and the resulting succubae
and incubi thus created. (Subject of my novel, in fact.)
He said something about “our next 25 years” that just
floored me. Even my husband didn’t talk like that. Remember
saying to my father – I would be fine if I could only find a man who
treated me as well as I treated him. Dad – so ready to take
anybody’s part over mine, said, Has it ever occurred to you that
you might be hard to live with? Such a typical Daddy remark –
the more you think about it the worse it gets.
Well, R treats me better than anyone else so far.
He’s almost talked me into looking for a new job when I get back –
and that’s a lot. But if he wants to introduce me around, can’t lie
about what I do, etc etc. (This group – doesn’t know about my job –
he says they’d eat me – and him – alive. I can scarcely believe
they would take the moral high ground with me but I suppose
anything’s possible.) Tried to read a Redbook someone brought
– shouldn’t do it. So depressing. Could never write like that or
be like that. If that’s the standard this whole thing is hopeless.
Then I picked up a book by Grace Livingston Hill. I’m going to
include her in my article on female pornographers.
R told me he had the impression that if I didn’t have my
novel to write I would probably go bananas. I said probably. I tried
to prepare him for the very different kind of vacation he’s going to
get in Maine – where people very deliberately leave each other alone.
If somebody sets off down the beach and you wanted also to walk
on the beach – you’d turn and go the opposite way. R says in his
family that would be grounds for a six-year grudge punctuated by
sobbing, screaming and threats of suicide.
12:10 am Went night fishing with R because he wanted me to.
Wrote a wonderful poem about Coleridge – just came to me in
one piece. Couldn’t really share with R – he doesn’t know who
Coleridge is. So I showed him – Haunted Wedding.
HAUNTED WEDDING The pregnant car disgorges Only us. It’s winter. Drunk as silver fish We beat our gills as light As hummingbirds. In an amethyst ring Of drypoint trees The half-built house Gapes and swells Its timbers stink of sap. Windrill fields occlude Our crossing, so you carry me High above the thorny osiers. We sleep aloft for safety Locked and levitating In this space of air One season only, Unseen by angry outriders; Bloodless in our wedding robes Like the doubled membranes Of the frozen flowers
This triggered a fight because he says it wasn’t written
for him. If he jealously searches my work for other lovers
madness is assured.) He almost talked me into thinking it a
bad poem.
I feel my mother’s disapproving stare on all of this – “
don’t ruin what you have by trying to get something else” – as
if showing R this poem would be a deliberate way of hurting him
by making him feel inferior – part of her larger accusation that I
channel so much energy into writing I’m no good with people and
that’s why my relationships suffer. All I can say is, thank God for
my diary.
Writing now with my feet in R’s lap while he plays cards.
He strokes my toes from time to time, as if I were a cat. We came in
from fishing and he just took my pants down – such earthy
sexuality has never existed for him. He told me he’s never
been so happy. And as for me? One side of my multi-prismed
personality is happy, but some of the other sides are complaining.
Difficult to contemplate an existence where I am not mentally alone
six hours a day.
One of the reasons I like my job is that it leaves that part
of me remarkably intact – dancing is a lot like sleepwalking. If I get
another job there’s a strong chance I’ll have to interact with humans.
Hell. And we both know how humans can be. Then I might be too
exhausted emotionally and battered psychologically to have the
energy to write – it’s a serious risk. Those architects ran roughshod
brought in a huge bag of string beans, squash and tomatoes
from her garden – I told Ryder to take them home and cook them.
My job is turning into a source of tremendous conflict – he is the
snake in his own paradise. Plus tips really fall off when he is
here. I am already looking at a very tough month financially –
trying to take so much time off. He said he’ll be back at the end
of the night to pick me up – he’s hurt when I’m “in need” and
don’t call him. So that saves cab fare anyhow.
We took a walk between sets and talked about his
parents – second generation immigrants, lifelong Army. He doesn’t
tell them anything (they obviously know his marriage broke up
and now he’s with me – but they don’t know about his deafness,
for example or about his classes at Gallaudet.) He said to me,
can you believe I’ve only seen these people twice in the past
four years? And we live in the same state. Wait till he meets
my parents – shudder. I’ll put it off as long as I possibly can.
Dancing tonight with Alicia. Poor Alicia. She’s a
“dripper”(constantly leaking pee) but blames it on hypoglycemia.
She hates dancing when there are so few people in here.
It’s kind of interesting. She sort of has a whorish appearance and
doesn’t realize she’s trapped in a vicious cycle – audience thinks
she’s a loose woman, she thinks they’re perverts.
I’m trying not to fall into the super-loving, super-giving
trap but Ryder is the first guy I’ve ever met who would obviously
be a wonderful father. Rare among men under thirty? Or something.
Talked to A on the phone – she was bored to tears at home
so I suggested she come in. We shared a burger basket and she
saw me dance for the first time. She wasn’t grossed out at all by
the semi-nudity – which is good – told me I’m a great dancer and
she really envies me my pelvic wiggle.
Also told me I have a terrific body – which really cheered
me up because I still feel too hefty around Ryder. (At his parents’ house
we went over his old scrapbooks – he was the star quarterback in
high school football. They described him as 5’4”! That’s a lot
shorter than he admits to these days. His boots have at least two
inch heels.) A left after one set because all the guys of course
came on to her. Obvious losers, alas, including the one who insists
he’s a hitman for the CIA and another who claims to be giving
away government jobs.
Unfortunately I’m dependent on the tips of these characters.
Ryder has been telling them all that I’m a writer (instead of a call girl,
presumably) which gives me a lot of explaining to do.
I wish I had money to buy things the house needs –
flashlights and fuses and drainers and shelving and all that stuff –
but I’m saving every bit for our trip to the Finger Lakes. Aug 5 will
mark one month in the house and six months since I quit the
architects. Seems like much longer than that. Where will I be
six months from now?
Hope my gothic novel sells – I need an immediate
hundred grand. I really can’t write with R sucking up all my free time.
I’ve been struggling with another poem about him – even that isn’t
coming. Hopefully we’ll settle down into being able to work side
by side quietly – maybe after our vacation.
6:00 PM, Chevy Chase Tyler St, 2 Aug 76
Across the street Shoulders, dressed in a skimpy football
undershirt, is mowing his lawn. He is a sight to behold.
Sitting over my repaired typewriter with a cup of hot tea
and a case of writer’s block. I could write a poem about Shoulders –
already R is interfering with my life. Beautiful day – a little chilly –
a little Maine edge to it.
Finished Stead’s Dark Places – which I adored – absolutely
one of a kind. Another bothersome thing about R – he really doesn’t
read. He’s been dragging around a sleazy paperback “heist comedy”
he pretends to read from time to time. At this rate it will take him six
months. I am struggling with All Authors are Equal but I may give
up on it and read Famous Washington Ghosts which R picked up
for me to add to my considerable collection of ghost stories (I must
have 50 vols.)
On the phone with Maeve my old Baltimore buddy –
she is behind in her rent but looking for a new job. In the meantime
borrowing from boyfriends. I take a perverse pleasure that anyone
is managing worse than me.
Shalimar – 10:20 PM
Called in tonight to replace another girl – great – that
means I work 5 times this week. Just that small amount makes a
big difference. A is in the chips right now and I could owe her
but don’t want to.
When I came in they told me R had been in 30 mins
before. That was a little unsettling – I didn’t realize he would come in
if I weren’t here. Of course it is really close to his job – but equally
of course the food is more expensive here than just about
anywhere else he could choose. I look at who was dancing
to see whether he would think she was in any way better than me –
luckily it was the pisser Alicia instead of potentially scary
competition like, say, Gloria. He didn’t know I was coming in,
because Carmen didn’t tell him. Reading the Ghosts of
Washington. Wonderful poem potential.
Shalimar Thurs 5 Aug 76
R dearer every day, in spite of the fact that he’s
been checking up on me. Called and called last night – wondered
where I was – I wasn’t too sure how to tell him A and I were
over at Shoulders’ drinking, so I just said we were visiting
the neighbors. Standing in their yard, which wasn’t true. He is
jealous of Shoulders and I don’t blame him – such lush male
beauty makes women helpless. A is a complete mess over him.
He frequently wanders around the house in nothing but his
boxers – we call them as his “huppa”.
R. finally got an apt and can stop “crashing” with
friends – one bedroom at the top of a Rockville skyscraper.
Sounds crazy expensive to me. Wrote a good poem –
capitol ghosts – today from the book R gave me.
Trying to think where to send it. Tomorrow’s my day off –
R coming over at 2.
CAPITOL GHOSTS
Pale Guiteau slants his disappointed child’s face downwards; the better to study bloodstains left by assassins more accomplished than himself who required benefit of anonymous surgeons specially qualified for skewering the muscles of the mighty.
The guard who saw him claimed also to hear demon cats and could not be relied upon. these portents once were matters of congressional dispute; now no matter; caught within the marbled lurch of history, victims
of the uninspired mad; those who pursue the corpse from whom the ghost escaped. He haunts our history like the villainous barber who sings as he slits both throats and wombs, a pure tune some say, picked clean of tragedy which only the dying hear.
Shalimar 7 Aug 76
Sitting here in a stupor of exhaustion. We had an
Al Green fan in here tonight – kept playing same song over
and over. Presumably working through some kind of a
relationship crisis. They don’t realize coming here and blowing
their money kills any relationship – and I am not going to tell
them. Anyway I hate Al Green. Missed my bus this AM so
took the Fessenden bus and walked across. A better way to go –
I like the walk – to hell with this transfer business.
I have to admit R doesn’t seem to understand
poetry. He’s very suspicious of all ease, elegance, lightness.
Too much Nature! “Work” should make you grit your teeth,
groan and bulge your forehead veins. The easier it comes,
the less valuable it MUST be. (He would hate Picasso’s very
best stuff!) I’ve tried getting him to understand by comparing
art to athletics – it only looks easy – it’s the training beforehand
that’s so hard. The trick is to render training invisible. But he
seems to think modern poetry is a plot to make him look stupid.
Really worried about money lately – everything at
Unibank is bouncing. It doesn’t take much to set off a chain
reaction. Guess I’ll have to borrow from A after all.
How true it is that before you can love you must
love yourself. My love for myself is wavering. Just finished
Sean Stiles’ Occam’s Razor. I hate to see a good idea wasted.
Mostly I am depressed by the poor quality of the stories in
the Times Detective Story competition anthology. This is
something I should aspire to? I’m on a wonderful streak
of poetry – keep piling them up – got ophelia and
haunted house this eve.
OPHELIA WAS A MAN The best revenge is growing up. Behold a street of suicides – Fringed lampshades & Mullioned windows where The dentist’s son grew dope From seed (they had eight bathrooms and The dentist couldn’t be everywhere) His wife was nowhere; we saw her leave With the cat in a suitcase clawing to get out. “Crazier than thou” averred my aunt. That boy blew the fruits of orthodontal science until The day he blew his mind – We traced the hissing-pissing-noise To the garage of the stockbroker’s son; he’s The one who stayed home from Yale to rewrite Hamlet (Made it better – put in people you could recognize) Type-cast himself – since he saw ghosts. Two fine boys married to each other Rosy-cheeked and sightless In their parents’ wedding clothes.
Tomorrow R is taking me on a tour of the television
station and out to lunch. This is a biggie – see where he works.
So I had to buy a gorgeous black linen jumpsuit (size 5!) Should
be worn with high red heels – but needless to say, can’t around
R. So instead, flat sandals. Fortunately everything is on sale.
A and I have decided to ask Maeve to move in with us – we can’t
seem to manage alone and we do have three bedrooms, but
she’ll have to hide from the landlord. I hate to do it. Letter from
D today – he’s in love with the 18 yr old virgin daughter of his minister.
Didn’t do a thing to me. God bless ‘em.
Rick the gambler in tonight. He’s a friend of R’s – cheered
me up by telling me I’ve done so much for R who was really “hurting”
over his divorce.
Ryder – I love you – but I don’t really know who you are.
Fri 23 July 76 - Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland
R and I have seen each other every day since Fri –
I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back. I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex – first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect to be all right. Adore these slow working mornings. I get up with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar such a pleasure – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready, feeling like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec. Yesterday we met our across the street neighbors – one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree in Hospital Administration. Among ourselves we call him “Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be in heaven. Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.
Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 PM God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body – love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face. Those blond Italians! He wouldn’t like to hear me say it – he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon – he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman pleasure. We fit together exactly – interlocking puzzle pieces even upside down. I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm was so great I wept. I fell asleep with him inside me. Wrote a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him. If I learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent. He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want to buy a bookcase. Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could he possibly love me as much as I love him? Yesterday walking in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to limit the experience. Which of course was exactly the right answer. The worst part is his trouble with my job. He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine, all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour, before my set.
11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76 Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more. Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays, Carmen checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect. We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going to see to it. I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.
9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of
my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 – left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears. He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no later than Weds. Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house (though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight) I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall. Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied till I just can’t boogie no more.
Club Shalimar– 30 July 76 Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is a lot younger. We had glorious talks on our way there and back – about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone); our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around) first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned! Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise. I guess I could say the same about him. Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and came. He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t understand it when they married, assuming it was something you get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child – he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the “perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred. 2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door. We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem: Love, the Magician.
The Magician is a Capricorn Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples Pale like mine but Maler. Illusion, he says is memory Of things that should have been. Doves and rabbits he entices From sacred groves between my legs Placed by ruse, and freed by art. When he dies, passion turns his eyes To quarters. He hears the world but faintly Through his one good ear. The other turns to me, Safecracker’s daughter. Trust the magician, voices tell me He knows when to drop the dice.
1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room
but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on the go, but very entertaining He usually brings me gifts – flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses. Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date. Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity… and love. It’s a problem! The oilman came to the house today says he’s shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay COD! Fortunately I had just got off work and I had the cash on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need much oil till winter. Let’s hope. Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said, I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till it hurt and he begged for mercy. Poor Avril had a long hard day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s and it’s a deal.
10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St
bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman – if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave. 9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona, Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos. Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some- time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…” have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.
Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar
7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up
here so I was already exhausted. I hate packing. Getting to be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize” me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits with his wife! He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more money – that’s how they get ahead in his business – jump from station to station. I told him he should take it – turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world. I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says, why are you doing this? I said, to meet you. Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility. 4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week. Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall. Today marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.
Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar
A & I hung living room paintings today, and last piece
was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his name mean anything to me in twenty years? Brought blow dryer, change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back into shape after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy (bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender). A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing them move about with candles. What does the future hold? I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there. Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of charm.
17 July 76
Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have
to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried a whip onstage – everything but a donkey, as one of the other dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn. But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He ordered in Italian. The weirdest thing about him is that he doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles – he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it. We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful – A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right. He liked valentine the best –
Valentine I sent myself in a letter Heart-creased Like a glove Too much folded An anecdote Too much told Dear stranger don’t Lose me I forgot the rule (Hold back a copy)
Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place but I hope it’s inevitable.” I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the top of my dress either. He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing tomorrow, then on a four day cruise sometime in August.
Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating
our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?
10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed
bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL in Minnesota!) DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!
Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews
AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man
Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see. Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.
2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided
to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered
me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage. Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have
dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me. Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.
Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it.
11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM -
Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the
other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone. On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation. Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
Avril friend a complete bozo but
places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc. A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.
Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar
Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me:
“Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today. The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs. Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.” Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.
Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.) Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.
Fri. 16 April 1976 - 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.
Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?
10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!
Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see.
Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.
2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner. Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it.
11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM -
Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
A’s friend a complete bozo. Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc.
A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.
Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar
Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today.
The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs.
Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.”
Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.
(The 1930’s. HOMESTEAD to the left, EVERGREENS still to the right but the DELL in between has vanished. Both houses look the worse for wear; HOMESTEAD sports a “For Sale” sign. Arms crossed, two young women in thirties clothing study one another. They are the actresses who played SUE and MABEL restored to youth…as their daughters, MATTIE and MILLICENT. MATTIE stands proudly on the EVERGREENS porch, surveying MILLICENT who tows a wheeled trunk plastered with travel and Ivy League stickers. EMILY tries to stick collapsed shingles back on the HOMESTEAD; they fall off of course)
EMILY Sue! Sue! I meant to find her when I came Death had the same design. The success was his it seems The surrender, mine. I knew I lost her when remoteness traveled to her face and tongue.
(Grabs a broom)
The thrill came slowly – centuries delayed Life is shorter than summer Seventy years is spent. Sorrow is polite and stays. We must be sweeping up the heart and putting love away. We shall not want to use it until eternity. Pain’s element of blank can’t recollect when it were not. It has no future but itself; infinity contain.
MATTIE (Mockingly)
Leaving so soon, Mrs. Bingham?
MILLICENT Goodbye, Mrs. Bianchi.
(Stresses the title.)
EMILY (Sighs dispiritedly)
It is the Children’s Hour. Love that was meets love too best to be. Their junction is … eternity. Even a prison gets to be a friend.
MATTIE I’m sorry you’ll miss the grand gala celebrating the publication of my book – Mama’s and mine. The Single Hound – Poems of a Lifetime.
(Sighs ecstatically)
EMILY Did you ever read poems backwards, because the plunge at the front overturned you?
MILLICENT You are obnoxious to the last degree, like all your family. Deliver me from “push”.
EMILY Love is a loaded gun that grants the power to kill without the power to die. Girls, girls! Shall we laugh at this catastrophe?
MATTIE Your history – insofar as you have one – is scandal, convictions and homelessness. You wouldn’t understand.
EMILY Mattie, were revenge accessible, I would surely wreak it. Trust me. Revenge is an apparition. More prudent to assault the dawn.
MILLICENT I understand that when one conveys the impression that the work one did is one’s own work when it is actually appropriated, one commits an act of piracy. When there is misrepresentation of facts it is falsehood, deception, perjury, fraud, deceit, sham, pretence, perfidy, distortion, invention, dishonesty, treachery, counterfeit, fiction, myth, humbug, hyperbole and swindle!
MATTIE Your mother was no better than a common whore!
EMILY Mattie, Mattie, you are royal! As there are apartments in our minds we never enter so we should respect the seals of others. Spirits rising too high inflate and feed on awe. You will never merit the ethereal scorn she evanesced.
MILLICENT And what was your mother? I know all about her affair with Mr. Bowles, all the while she behaved so high and mighty! She was a vindictive –
(MATTIE Slams the door to avoid another recitation. A shingle falls off The EVERGREENS and its lights fade. MILLICENT drags her trunk a short distance, then opens it and sets up camp – a cabana-tent, folding table, campstool, etc. Ties a pennant reading “Purity & Wisdom” to the top of the cabana.)
MILLICENT (Shouting in the direction of the EVERGREENS)
Vassar’s song was written by Edna St. Vincent Millay!
(Shouts the words)
Offended God of love and kindness We have denied, forgotten thee, Twisted, unlovely and obscure Gifts we – er- hum-tum.
(Realizes the song is depressing and badly written plus she doesn’t remember it. Mutters sheepishly to herself)
Unfortunately Edna was expelled.
EMILY (Stroking her hair)
Love’s transmigration becomes idolatry of family. This silence is infinity – it has no face. Absence disembodies just like death. Poor child.
MILLICENT (Collapses on campstool, shoulders bowed, head down. Opens a notebook:)
Principles of Human Geography by Millicent Todd Bingham!
(Begins scribbling feverishly.)
EMILY Oh, Child! We have at least a pair of lives. With tomorrow in the cupboard, who can hunger? We do not play on graves because there isn’t room! People come – they hang their faces so we’re fearing that their hearts will drop and crush our pretty play. And so we move as far as enemies away.
(Spotlight on MATTIE at her much more elaborate desk)
MATTIE Dear Houghton Mifflin, As the sole heir of the Dickinson family in Amherst and holder of the Dickinson copyrights, I am preparing a volume of recently discovered poems by my aunt Emily Dickinson that were withheld from publication by her sister Lavinia …
EMILY (Peering in the window)
Each age is a lens. Poets light a lamp; themselves go out. Light, Mattie. Light!
MILLICENT (Writing a letter of her own)
Dear Houghton Mifflin, my mother Mabel Loomis Todd, editor of the four original volumes of poetry and letters of Emily Dickinson, is interested in publishing a further volume based on papers left her by Lavinia Dickinson in a will which has mysteriously disappeared… Fortunately mother is in possession of an original contract granting her half ownership of the published volumes –
(Gouges the paper so angrily it rips. Says in frustration)
MILLICENT I feel I exist to do this. I am involved without question and I am glad to be.
EMILY (Wandering sadly between the two of them)
Finding is the first act; the second is – loss. Absence of the witch does not invalidate the spell.
(Feigning an argument)
There is a megatherium among the strawberries! Your nettle stung my rose!
MATTIE To the Trustees of Harvard College: I would be willing to meet with your literary curators who are interested in discussing the ultimate disposition of papers pertaining to my late, much revered aunt, the poet Emily Dickinson –
MILLICENT To the Trustees of Amherst College: I would be very interested in discussing with you the acquisition and protection of my mother Mabel Loomis Todd’s papers. As you know she was a friend of the American poet Emily Dickinson as well as her first editor –
MATTIE Mrs. Todd’s so-called “contract” is a draft copy prepared by herself. My aunt Lavinia’s papers makes no mention of Mrs. Todd’s contribution whatever and her contract states unequivocally that copyright resides solely in the Dickinson family…Patrimony! Patrimony, patrimony, patrimony!
EMILY What about matrimony, bridalled and shrouded in a day? Longing is a seed that wrestles with the ground.
MILLICENT (Addressing the audience)
Real hate is focused, waiting for vengeance. The emotion of hatred keeps the hater alive and vigorous. Hatred cannot continue unless the souls are kindred and the closer the likeness the more virulent the hatred.
EMILY (Sighs)
I hope heaven is warm. There are so many barefoot ones. If a flower keeps its appointments, why should the heart be so tardy?
MATTIE (Still writing – recites in a throbbingly romantic, thrilling voice)
In the witchery of an undreamed Southern spring Emily was overtaken – doomed forever by her own heart. It was instantaneous, overwhelming and impossible. Two predestined souls were only kept apart by her sense of the duty to preserve love untarnished by the destruction of another woman’s life…
(Throat catches on a sob)
EMILY (Embattled)
Biography first convinces us of the fleeing of the biographed. She mistook a winged spark for lightning! Consummation is the hurry of fools; expectation the elixir of the Gods. Go slow my soul to feed itself! Love deferred will fade like … ice cream. Redemption – for a kiss!
MILLICENT (Shouting in MATTIE’s direction)
The enclosed volume, Bolts of Melody, contains more than six hundred previously unknown poems by Emily Dickinson from my mother’s extensive private collection…
EMILY Poor fatherless serpent!
MATTIE Dear Houghton Mifflin, if you publish any volume of poems to which I hold the copyright I will sue!
EMILY Here’s a pretty lawsuit! It is essential to the sanity of mankind that each should think the other crazy. Thus does spirit dialog with dust.
(MILLICENT and MATTIE speak at once)
MILLICENT Dear Amherst College, In securing my treasure trove of Dickinson papers I seek an institution that will –
MATTIE Dear Harvard College, In preventing further interference with the Dickinson copyrights I seek to leave them to an institution that will –
(They stop and glare at each other. EMILY throws up her hands)
EMILY Heaven or hell? Think, Mattie! Character determines whether eternity be velocity or pause! Fundamental signals come from fundamental laws. The way is closed from where they came. The seconds pursue the centuries, the centuries pursue – eternity. A plank of balm is swallowed by the escapeless sea. My little force explodes and leaves me bare and charred.
(The two girls speak at the same time)
MILLICENT Dear Harvard College – It is my intention to sue –
MATTIE Dear Amherst College – It is my intention to sue –
EMILY Only love can wound and only love can heal the wound. To have lost an enemy is almost more memorable than to find a friend.
MILLICENT Ignoramus!
MATTIE Upstart!
(They both clutch their chests and, miming heart attacks, sink floorward like marionettes. Emily tries to rouse them)
EMILY Inter the docile ones – we will dare to live!
(It doesn’t work. Lights out on the girls. Alone, EMILY comes to sit at the edge of the stage)
EMILY Can human nature survive without a listener? Life is but Life! And Death but Death! And Bliss is Bliss! And breath is breath! Death’s waylaying’s not the sharpest tool of time. There marauds a sorer robber – Silence is his name. The éclat of death is unknown renown. I don’t like paradise. I am not used to hope – I’d perish of delight. I never felt at home below, in the handsome skies I shall not feel at home, I know. I stand witness to the certainty of immortality – but – departing grace afflicts me with a double loss. Is heaven a place – or sky or tree? The dead have no geography Abdication of belief makes behavior small. Hope’s a subtle glutton! Love is resurrection Scooping up the dust and chanting, Live! Take all away from me but leave me ecstasy!
(Coming close, peering into audience)
O, Master, master, is it you? Have you come to keep your promise to the sparrows who know how to starve or to shatter me with Dawn?
(Attempts to dismiss us)
Art thou the thing I wanted? Begone – my tooth has grown Supply a minor palate that has not starved so long. I tell thee while I waited the mystery of food Increased till I abjured it and dine without – like God.
(Looks uneasily into the utter darkness behind her. There is nowhere to go. She is alone.)
What is earth but a nest from whose rim we are falling? I had a terror I could tell to none. Who knows how deep the heart is or how much it holds? Perhaps the balm seemed better because you bled me first. When did the dark happen? I thought I could play where sundown couldn’t find me. It would be comfort forever to look into your face and have you look in mine. Did you bring the little chest to keep the “alive” in? Heaven is so cold! It will never look kind to me if God, who causes all, denies such little wishes. Fabulous is the revelation that we shall hunger no more!
(Holds out her arms)
Life is the finest secret. So long as that remains, we must whisper.
(Whispers)
The only thing worth larceny is immortality.
(Closes her eyes to feel the darkness)
A love so big it scares me rushes in my breast. Master, open wide your life, and take me in forever! Sinew and snow in one, an avalanche of sun!
(Closer and closer to audience)
“It is finished” can never be said of us! Creator! May I bloom?
Alysse Aallyn 