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A Short Play by Alysse Aallyn

(Lectern flanked by flowers.  A screen with a glamour pic of a young man in his late 20’s- wistful, engaging – someone you’d have liked to know. A young woman, mid twenties, dressed for a funeral in a very tight fitting suit, steps up on the stage and picks up the mike with a becomingly abashed air of charm & professional sweetness)

MARCI
Hi, I’m Marci, and I’d like to say a few words about Glenn Godiver. I never saw myself as a person who gives eulogies, but Glenn and I had that kind of relationship. We called it The Mutual Autopsy Society. You do me and I do you.

 (She acknowledges audience laughter) 

Right? He was so funny! Sometime it took me like a minute to get the joke!

(Trying to be serious.) 

If you knew Glenn, you were one of the very, very privileged few. He was a private guy, and although he had more friends than anyone I’ve ever met, he didn’t let just anybody in. But he was SO worth knowing!   I mean, what a guy!  Am I right?  Every guy wanted to be Glenn Godiver and every girl wanted to get with Glenn.  At least that’s what he would say! 

(Laughs) 

Naw, you couldn’t stay mad at that guy. At least I couldn’t.  What a sweetie pie!  He was as sweet as pie.

(Tries to chuck the photo under its chin. Presses a button on a remote and the pictures change to  Marci & Glenn together or with groups of young people.  Traveling, partying.)

There he is, right where he always wanted to be, the center of attention. He wouldn’t leave while the party was still going on!  When I was going through my pictures I can’t tell you how many I found where there I was on the sofa asleep, waiting for Glenn to feel ready to go home. There’s one!  Because while we were dating those six happy, happy months, I was always looking for some alone time.  Not just face time, face-and-body time. 

 (Inappropriate picture, obviously sex. MARCI  freezes on that picture) 

Uh oh!  How did THAT get here? 

(Fake embarrassment.  She zooms in on just the faces, which get a little blurry.)

That’s better!  I mean, this is the family hour.  Lots of little ankle biters wanting to pay tribute to Uncle Glenn, as well they should. As well they should.  So where was I? 

 (Takes her jacket off and hangs it on the mike stand.  Underneath a skimpy lace camisole) 

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

 (Comes to sit on the edge of the stage, making herself comfortable.  Fake radio DJ voice)

 I’m Yvette DaBomb – welcome to Pillowtalk. It’s dark outside, rain is falling and it looks like we’re locked in here together for the duration, so why don’t I show you all a good time? 

(Tinny laughter) 

Yeah, without Glenn the party will never be the same. I remember when we broke up – I broke up with him, contrary to the story I KNOW he was telling some people – it was all about issues.  Trust issues. He used to say to me –

(bad Nicholson impression) 

You can’t handle the truth!  And I told him you’re the one who can’t handle the truth!

 (Starting to get steamed) 

Telling everyone you were looking for a nice girl so you could settle down, I mean, that wasn’t true, was it?  He just wanted to see inside every pair of undies on the West Coast. And I mean, that’s OK! I say, God bless him!  But don’t go around telling me who I can hug.  Who I can text!  Who I can talk to! 

(Reining herself in.)  

Oh, he had issues.
But I liked him just the way he was.  I accepted him. I think that’s what love is; you’ve got to accept people so they can accept themselves.  But Glenn was a difficult person to satisfy. He was always looking – you know – for that next little “tweak”.  There was always just something that needed fixing, something that could be better. “Added value”, he called it.  Am I right?  That’s why he was such a successful entrepreneur; he was always looking for ways to add value. Like he wouldn’t tell me my breasts were too small; he’d always say, “Look at these.”  And he’d show me those pictures on his phone.  I know the police said afterwards there were no pictures of breasts on his phone and of course we don’t want to remember him that way.  But I know what I saw.  Glenn was a “seeker”. Always searching for…something better. 

When I got the implants he was so happy at first!  32B to a D is a big jump!! 

 (Cradles her breasts – shown off to good effect in the flimsy camisole.) 

He was like a kid with a new toy, that’s for sure!  He said he only wanted me to be admired, he wanted “the real Marci” to come on out.  He would tell me some of you – don’t take this the wrong way – were saying behind my back that I wasn’t right for him.  I have to say you guys were making it hard for me to be your friend what with all the back chat I was hearing.

(Works to calm herself)

Naturally I wanted to check his emails and his Facebook page after he was saying things like that!  And we trusted each other with the passwords – in spite of what he probably told you – plus he always used his dog’s name – Welliver – as his password and you just don’t forget a thing like that. Imagine my shock when I found out those implants he had begged me to get and then to show off to his friends – were another point against me!  “Not exactly wife material”  people were saying!  That kind of thing!! Yeah, I was upset at first and it led directly to our breakup. 

I mean, he was setting me up!  Am I right? He was setting me up to fail! Then I saw him doing that with other people he said he was “mentoring” (air quotes.)  This is the hardest thing to admit about Glenn – that he acted like an asshole sometimes.  Like his left hand wouldn’t see what his right hand was doing!  I put it down to his competitive spirit.  Just like Welliver – that dog never could resist using his teeth!  Grrrr! Had to get his teeth around something!! I mean, he’s a dog!  So when he plays, you  expect him to play rough.

There I was stuck with this big bill! Not to mention getting a full Brazilian every two weeks – I mean was that for him or me? Oh, you don’t mind the pain, he tells me.  You like it.  I mean, why would you do this otherwise?  Why would anyone? 

I told him flat out, I’d do anything to please you.  I admitted it.  What’s it gonna take? You’ve got me, so tell me what to do.  Glenn could be generous, but usually he was more generous after he’d been satisfied. You know what I’m saying.  I mean the guy would give you the shirt off his back –  he did give me the shirt off his back – of course I was naked at the time! (Laugh).  He took my clothes! But he did have a way of dodging responsibility. First guy into the restaurant but when it came time to pay the check, I mean, where was he? Am I off course here?  I felt he leaned just a little too hard on his friends, didn’t you?  But we forgave him!  He said to me, you can work it off.  Clean my house and …other ways.  Called me his little porn star! (More sex photos) Then he sold me that crappy car that never worked!  But I still had to pay for it!    I have to say that made me kind of uncomfortable. Goddess or porn star, Glenn, which is it?  Oh, he was itching to make a porno!  Said, we’re all going to make a million dollars!  Doin’ what comes naturally! 

I warned him, Glenn, if you do, the jury will come back against you!  Everyone will know you’re not the saint you pretended to be. But he says to me, Marci, there are no male sluts. There’s female sluts and goodtime guys, that’s what and there’s no coming back from it.  (Flips through the pictures in frustration, looking for a good one.) Not like breaking up made any difference because we couldn’t stay away from each other! We were combustible, all right. He always said he never came so hard with anyone else. Even jacking off!  It was always me he wanted to think about.

So we forgave him!  Didn’t we always?  I know he was pulling these same stunts with other girls – you Jeannie and you Rebecca – he showed me  your emails & texts. Bet you didn’t know about that!  But who could say no to this guy? Look at that! (Zoom close-up of the photo) I mean, who could resist those eyes? Awwww! That’s what he seems to be saying. Awww! Make me! Ya gonna make me?

(Switches pictures)

I know we were all getting sick of THAT picture.This  one was taken the day he died. 

 (Naked torso making the “strongman” gesture) 

He was so proud of his body – as well he should have been. He was in the gym two hours a day turning ugly flab to rock hard muscle.  Sweat is fat crying, that’s what he used to say!  Oh, he used to slap my ass to get me going!   Beat my ass until it hurt. Clocked me too, once, till I saw stars. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it sometimes. We knew how to push each other’s buttons. He was easy to tease because he had this fake persona and he wouldn’t admit that he had. I mean, I had lost everything– put all my skin in the game – he made sure of that.   I  said, “I’m all in.”  I was completely dependent – but he was still pretending he was free as air! 

 I forget whose idea it was to take these pictures. 

(Several shower photos).

They’re good, right?  I mean this could be an Old Spice ad! “Habit Rouge” is what I mean to say.  That’s the stuff he liked.  Called it his “hunting coat.” But he did need new photos for his page because he was so much better toned.  He was bench pressing like 260 – he could lift me with one hand.  I have a photo of that somewhere here. 

(Shuffles through the photos – some of them are crime scene.)

How did THAT get there?

 (Fake surprise.) 

Oh, that’s right.  I’m helping the police. It’s something only I can do, because I was closest to him. I was the last to see him alive.

 (Puts on professorial glasses, takes out a laser pointer) 

Look at this. Don’t you think there had to be at least two murderers? That’s the first thing I said to them. I mean, who could take advantage of this guy, he was so strong!  I’m surprised they didn’t wait till he was asleep – you know, and vulnerable.  But the police think the attack started right here in the bathroom. You can see there’s a shell casing from a 25 caliber there on the tiles. So she shot him, I guess.  Or that guy did – you know, the people that broke in. Glenn was in trouble with lots of people he owed money to.  He had all these sketchy roommates and then there were the thousands of girls he’s disappointed!  Looking for a wife! 

(snorts in disbelief)  

What a line!  “The perfect girl to share  a family and kids. Happily ever after. You know, he said that after death families are raised up together and come together in heaven. I don’t know who he’s with now, though, since he spread himself so thin.  He did  have a rough upbringing you probably all remember – he  talked about it enough.  Inspirational, that’s what it was.   But he couldn’t get away from that family fast enough. 

Who knows?  I’d really like to know how heaven works.  Maybe you get to select your own company. Bring anyone you want! That must be where he is, don’t you think?  Because he suffered when he died. Heaven’s the right place for those who die young. He didn’t get the chance to do the really terrible things – you know those  things the living  regret, those things we can’t take back or ever undo.

But the first shot didn’t kill him – you can see here where he went and stood over the sink, probably trying to figure out what had happened. You’ve got to ask yourself, what did he see, there, looking in the mirror?  A guy whose pretty face was shot away?  The police are being real boneheads about this, saying the shot came last!  I mean, I wasn’t there, but ask yourself, what kind of sense does THAT make?  Who breaks into a house to attack a guy in a shower with a knife?  It’s just the stupidest thing that I can think of.  But have it your way, Officer Malarkey. 

(Rolls her eyes.) 

You’re the professional!  State-sponsored. servant! Twenty years of crime scene reconstruction! I’m just a girl who loved the victim, who lived there and cleaned the place and picked up after the owner! Naturally my DNA is everywhere. I cleaned up the dog poop too, if Glenn was too lazy to walk Welliver.  Dogs need walking twice a day!  Right!  But I couldn’t be there every minute!  I mean, I had a life, too! I have bills to pay! I had to work!  I was trying to have a life too!
I even joined Linkups because I said, if you can date, I can date.  You know what he said?  He said, “I’m not comfortable with that.”

 (Mimics Glenn) 

He made damn sure I texted those guys I wasn’t coming!  “My ex isn’t comfortable with that!”  Then I asked him, so when are you going to GET comfortable with that?  Don’t I deserve a little hottie of my own?  Somebody taking care of me?  How many girls does one guy get? 

“When I get married” he said.  “You can be bridesmaid at my wedding!  I’ve got my eye on the perfect girl – she’s saying no right now” – he meant you, Kira – “but I’m the guy that turns No into Yes.”  And he was, wasn’t he! He so often was. That was his rep, all right. He always knew how to change your mind and make you want it, that thing you said you would never do. He kept digging till he got what he was after.

He asked me, “what am I doing wrong with Kira?  How should I play this?  She says she only wants me for a friend!”

I did wonder if he’d met his match.  What do they call that – the Murphy effect? If you leave every territory after you’re finished with it, looking for new fields to conquer, I mean, eventually you’re going to fall off a cliff! Am I right?  Pissarro and Cortez and all those guys!  Stepped off the world! Right into a pile of skulls. 

He probably would have made you  marry him Kira, whether you wanted to or not!  You’d wake up the morning after, asking, “What just happened?” I say you dodged a bullet!  But nobody dodges every bullet and not in a tiny enclosed space like that shower. Got him right in the jaw till he was spitting out teeth. They say those low caliber bullets ricochet around in a person’s head.  I mean, this one bounced right off his skull!  Under the skin. He has hardheaded, was Glenn!  Proud of that hardheadedness, too!

 (Raps on her own skull.) 

Don’t be such a pussy, he used to tell me! You gotta be all business if you plan to get things done!
The police say those low caliber bullets are the choice of mobsters. You know, mob hits. “Execution style!” I  told them, “Look for bill collectors. He was having trouble hanging onto his house and blaming me cause my credit was in the toilet and he had to hire the moving van for my stuff.”  But Officer Numnutz says, doesn’t your grandfather have a .25 that’s gone missing?  I mean, WHAT kind of relevance can that possibly have? My grandfather can’t find his own teeth!  Everyone has guns, especially around here.  And people gravitate to the little, light ones. “Concealed carry.”  But I’ve never even SHOT a gun. So don’t look at me! 

So Numnutz says – I’m sorry, Officer Mendez, I see you over there but if you can’t tell the truth in a eulogy then where can you tell it?  He says to me, Look where the guy ran down the hall.  Follow the blood trail. So Glenn’s getting away and they came after him with knives.  These are the defensive wounds – here and here – where Glenn grabbed onto the knife for a moment and held it.  They’re slippery, those things, with the blood flying everywhere.

Here’s where they gave him the “coup de grace”.  Slit his throat.  I mean, probably, judging from the blood pool. 

(Acknowledges audience gasps) 

I mean, GROSS right?  That’s what I said! Heinous stuff!  So here –

 (blurry photo of sock clad foot and bloody shoulder) 

Here’s where she dragged him back to the shower.  Now why would she do that, Officer Mendez asks me. Maybe she was trying to revive him, Officer Bananas, if that’s really your name. Trying to wash off all that blood. Forgive me if I can’t remember every little detail about everything.  I’ve got stuff on my mind.  I mean, my best friend just died! Died at the peak of his life! So how do I know what murderers would do? 

Maybe he hit her. Maybe it was self-defense.

 (Picture of Glenn working a punching bag) 

You know, hit out at her and she was just defending herself.  Like I tried to tell you, he was really strong. He owned guns too.  Unregistered ones. Proud of that. I know I saw one somewhere.  And he had to use a knife to cut the rope when he tied me to the bed. Oh, didn’t I tell you about that? I thought I did – it was all about that porno he wanted to make.  He first wanted to shoot it in the woods. That was his big idea.  Or maybe on the hood of a car in rush hour traffic!  
Impossible to reason with the guy. Shake some sense into him! What about the looky-lous! They’ll  know about you, about us! What about Kira! What will she say? She’ll drop you like a hot potato.
The cops say “everybody has an alibi”.  Well duh!  I was miles away!  But do you think the people who – I mean the people who did this if it wasn’t  professional – would even remember?  I mean, you’d  want to forget a thing like this as fast as you could, wouldn’t you?  If you loved the guy?  And everyone loved him.  He was the sweetest, most thoughtful, most generous guy who ever lived. 

(Fumbles with papers on the lectern, starts to cry)

Can we get an appletini up here?  That’s what he always ordered for me.  Appletinis. He said, “I like the smell.”  

I miss him. We had so many plans.  We were going to walk the Freedom Trail. Together.  Before we die. We swore a blood oath. Everyone says that it’s fantastic, that you come back from that trip a different person. 

OK.  I see you asking me to wrap things up.  To cut it short (throat slitting gesture) I’m getting the hook!  Don’t  worry about it.  I’m used to it. That’s what Glenn used to say he loved most about me, that I knew how to laugh at myself. Before I go I wanted to lead us in a song. (Quavering voice)
If you get to heaven before I do

Coming for to carry me home –  come on everybody, you know this one!
Tell all my friends I’m a-coming after you!
Coming for to carry me home!  Swing low – sweet chariot –

(Police officers help her off the stage)
 
END