(SCENE 2: Meanwhile the boys, HEDJ and BO are crawling down the center aisle shining their flashlights up into the audience)
HEDJ
(Halts, attentive)
Omigod, I think I just saw something. I swear I heard somebody breathe.
BO
There’s no room in this tunnel for anyone but US. Bacteria and bugs on the other hand – probably PLENTY of THOSE. Getting in my MOUTH. Into all my orifices, I bet.
HEDJ
You just have a high opinion of your orifices.
BO
Dude, didn’t I just tell you about that camel disease that jumped the blood-brain barrier? Theory of hidden variables!
HEDJ
A guy has sex with a camel he deserves everything he gets. In my opinion.
BO
It’s not just camels.
HEDJ
Will you stop? Will you stop with the Undiscovered Virus fixation?
BO
Bacteria are worse than viruses! Their mutatations –
HEDJ
Do you want to turn around right now? I mean, if theoretically we COULD turn around?
BO
Hell no. That way the girls get a default win. Can’t let the brothers down like that! No way.
HEDJ
So ixnay on the invisible mutants. OK? Not if we want to be conjugate variables anytime soon.
BO
People who won’t learn from history are destined to repeat it, is all I’m saying.
HEDJ
You know, there’s always one guy on an expedition who gets thrown overboard because he can’t shut up. That’s the history I’m talking about.
BO
It’s just that in pre-med you hear things.
HEDJ
Pre-law too. Like the temporary insanity defense gives you the right to kill somebody who’s driving you crazy.
BO
It does not!
HEDJ
Well, it’s a defense! It’s worked too!
BO
Grow up. We haven’t even started this thing yet.
HEDJ
We’re still crawling down the entrance tunnel and you’ve already given me brain worms. Lighten up! Now I’m haunted by some guy trying to have sex with a camel.
BO
Definitely needed a ladder.
HEDJ
But WHY? Qualifying for Jackass?
BO
Or Guinness World Book Sex Edition.
HEDJ
Bro, there is no Guinness World Book Sex Edition!
BO
I’m always surprised by what you don’t know. Lawyers are so busy memorizing cases from the 1930’s they don’t know anything about the real world.
HEDJ
That is so not true.
BO
If you Google —
HEDJ
Google? Are you serious? I can’t move my elbows. I can barely breathe!
BO
Don’t act like this whole thing was my idea.
HEDJ
It WAS your idea!
BO
I intuited group consensus.
HEDJ
Bro, you DARED them.
BO
They were TAKING the cave! This cave doesn’t belong to a bunch of girls.
HEDJ
It doesn’t belong to anyone.
BO
Well, it was YOUR idea we come down through the tunnel.
HEDJ
I was trying to be gentlemanly! Besides, we flipped for it.
BO
You LET them win!
HEDJ
That’s the gentlemanly part!
(Looking at his phone)
Can’t Google anything if your phone doesn’t work. Check.
BO
How can I check if I can’t use my elbows!
HEDJ
How can we find the girls if our apps don’t work?
BO
You’ve got a girl-finding app? What is it, GirlGrab?
HEDJ
I’ve got GPS and a mapmaking app, which DOESN’T WORK down here thanks to you!
BO
Don’t put this on me! You were daring them right along with me!
HEDJ
I hope I know how to back a brother up!
BO
You were drunk as a skunk is what you were.
HEDJ
I remember you were flying pretty high yourself.
BO
Seems like. What the hell were we drinking?
HEDJ
Dude, I’ve got no idea. They ordered these crazy drinks and I was just trying to keep up. The curvy one had these little beads of dew on her upper lip…
BO
Both of them were curvy.
HEDJ
I had a blackout! I think they rufied us!
BO
Girls don’t rufie guys! They don’t have to!
HEDJ
Who do you think is stealing all the kidneys? Call yourself pre-med!
BO
That’s an urban legend.
HEDJ
Google it! I mean if your phone –
BO
Sorority girls are not into kidney theft! Try to keep up! You can’t handle booze is what you won’t admit and now you’re just using up oxygen. We’ve got to work smarter. How is it smart to crawl down a hole?
HEDJ
If they had to use the tunnel they wouldn’t even have come. We’d be all by ourselves down here and what’s the point of THAT?
BO
What’s the point of crawling down a tunnel in total darkness?
HEDJ
It JOINS the cave, I’m trying to tell you! I Googled it!
BO
Boy you are helpless without your equipment. Weren’t you an Life Scout? What happened to your sense of adventure?
HEDJ
I was an Eagle Scout, I’ll have you know.
BO
I’m giving this five more minutes before I back out. I’d like to see my ass one more time before I die!
HEDJ
I’ve seen your ass and it’s no bargain. We have to keep going because we don’t have a choice.
BO
We could crawl backwards.
HEDJ
We ALWAYS have choices. People don’t SEE all the choices that they have.
BO
Or we could dig our way out.
HEDJ
And risk a cave-in?
BO
You know, are the opposite of helpful. Shackleton would have pushed you right off the ice floe.
HEDJ
Look! Omigod, it’s the cave!
(They make their way up the stage steps – someone in the audience makes a noise)
BO
Then what the hell was that?
HEDJ
I’m guessing water dripping? Believe me, that’s a GOOD sign.
(No girls – they can stand up. Alone)
BO
Now we get drowned? How can water possibly be a good sign?
HEDJ
It’s got to flow out somewhere!
BO
Sure. China, probably. Just talking about it is making me thirsty.
(Drinks from waterbottle)
HEDJ
Complain, complain. The minute we can breathe, you decide you need water! We’ve been down here exactly five minutes.
BO
How come YOUR watch works?
HEDJ
It doesn’t. I was just guessing.
BO
Doesn’t it bother you that we have no sense of time and no sense of direction?
HEDJ
We’ll just have to use our Third Eye.
BO
Our what?
HEDJ
The thing behind the top of your nose. It’s how animals migrate.
BO
Sounds like bullshit to me. If doctors don’t know about it, it doesn’t exist.
HEDJ
Dude, doctors are the last to know about anything! Didn’t it take you guys like six thousand years to wash your hands?
BO
Well, law never cured anybody of ANYTHING.
HEDJ
Hey, don’t drink all the Gatorade.
BO
Can’t drink what we find down here. You’ll grow gills.
HEDJ
We’re not building a civilization! We’re finding the girls and getting the hell out!
BO
Here’s the cave, so where are the girls?
HEDJ
Maybe they didn’t come down, not even the easy way! Maybe they’re laughing at us.
BO
We’ll get the last laugh! DARED and DONE!
HEDJ
Or maybe there’s more than one cave. How would we know? It’s unexplored!
BO
Some Victorian explored it.
HEDJ
You can’t trust the Victorians! They were putting ape jawbones on human skulls and saying they discovered Original Man!
BO
Yeah, but lying about a cave —
HEDJ
Yeah, and how about climate change? Everything’s moved around since then. And what about earthquakes?
BO
There are no earthquakes in this part of the world!
HEDJ
There are so! They happen down so low you can’t even feel them.
BO
So you’re a geology major now?
HEDJ
Not to mention boiling lava!
BO
Now you’re just showing off. My Third Eye smells girls. They’re around here someplace.
HEDJ
That’s not your Third Eye! That’s your sex gland!
BO
Same thing for all you know!
HEDJ
(Perking up)
My Third Eye says they’re going to need rescue. Girls are always needing to be rescued.
BO
It’s those shoes they wear.
HEDJ
Yeah, well they won’t wear stilettos down here. More likely the $4000 sneakers Daddy bought them.
BO
There are no $4000 sneakers!
HEDJ
Of course there are!
BO
Well, you can overpay for anything.
HEDJ
Which is my POINT.
(Shines his flashlight around)
Now this is what I call a CAVE.
BO
Let the exploring begin! Dude, we could name this cave after us! I think I have a Sharpie somewhere.
HEDJ
What’s to write?
BO
We’re mapmaking, dude! We’re explorers!
HEDJ
What’s to map? All we’ve got is a long tunnel and a big room.
BO
With an undiscovered underground pool in an undisclosed location. So be careful.
(Exploring)
They’re ahead of us, is all.
HEDJ
Wouldn’t they leave some kind of sign if they’d been through here?
BO
Who know WHAT they would do? They were cute girls, though.
HEDJ
Plenty of cute girls up top. We could abandon their asses, plant a bandanna, snap a pic and get the hell out.
BO
How’s your camera working if your phone doesn’t?
HEDJ
Damn! Sharpie the cave and brazen it out? Swagger, man!
BO
You’re missing a fabulous opportunity here! We could earn the undying gratitude of some really pretty girls!
HEDJ
Buddy, you fell on your head during rush week.
BO
Man, that rope gave way. There was nothing I could do. So which girl do you want?
HEDJ
One of them was giving me The Look. The Unmistakable Look.
BO
I seriously doubt that!
HEDJ
(Touching his eye)
I’m never wrong about The Look.
BO
Which one was it? Better not be MY one.
HEDJ
Oh, you’ve got one all picked out, have you?
BO
Course I have and so have you!
HEDJ
The one with the overbite?
BO
If you’re referring to the girl I spent all night talking to, then, yes.
HEDJ
You know, dude, cave-diving females are almost certainly gay.
BO
Let’s HOPE, right?
HEDJ
Was it the brunette or the blonde?
BO
There isn’t a blonde! She’s more of a redhead!
HEDJ
Well, that answers my question, then! Just because you’re going to be a doctor so you feel entitled to the blonde!
BO
She ISN’T a blonde – you’re blind as well as crazy. My one is the other one.
HEDJ
Oh, the brunette? The dominatrix is the one you want? You’ve bitten off more than you can chew there, buddy.
BO
You can’t have both of them!
HEDJ
Who says I can’t?
BO
The guy you’re about to go swimming with at the end of a deep dark hole says you can’t.
HEDJ
Oh, all right. Don’t go all Lord of the Flies on me! Talk about devolution! Take whichever one you want!
BO
The one I want is the redhead and there’s nothing wrong with her teeth. The dominatrix is yours. But, we’re going to need more romantic surroundings than this to make a move.
HEDJ
What’s wrong with these surroundings, bro? Its like the end of the world! Everybody and his grandmother would be getting it on!
BRO
Or like the beginning of the world. That would be romantic.
HEDJ
And how about in the ambulance on the way to Disease Control?
BO
Dude, that’s SO not funny. Really poor taste under the circumstances.
HEDJ
Life and death down here buddy. It doesn’t get any more “romantic” than that!
BO
See! Did I set this up right or what!
(They high five)
Call me crazy!
HEDJ
Crazy like a fox!
BO
You’re welcome!
HEDJ
Here’s the plan for maximum coverage. You go that way, I go this way and we meet over there.
BO
NOW who’s crazy?
HEDJ
Hey! Why march in lockstep? This isn’t summer camp!
BO
Man, have you even SEEN any horror movies? The monster gets everyone the MINUTE they split up.
HEDJ
No monsters down here, bro. Pinky swear.
BO
It’s like a symbolic representation of danger bro. Be prepared is all I’m saying.
HEDJ
Eyes on the prize, buddy!
BO
There you go with that eye thing again!
HEDJ
The girls are gonna LOSE and we’re gonna WIN. And you know why?
BO
Cause we’re better?
HEDJ
Dude, every girl in this school is smarter than either one of us. My parents had to pretend I row crew to get me into this school. Whatever that is.
BO
And I had an Asian guy taking my SAT’s. You’re just talking about book smarts. What does THAT have to do with anything?
HEDJ
Exactly! It’s all about strategy! We’re gonna win with strategy!
(A long pause)
BO
(At a loss)
Like…
HEDJ
Like we’re not going to duplicate each other’s actions. Have you ever noticed how girls have to do everything together?
BO
(Lightning strikes)
They can’t even go to the bathroom by themselves!
HEDJ
That’s what I’m talking about! Baby steps!
(Mimics mincing walk)
BO
Holding each other up!
HEDJ
Like they’re gay!
BO
(Falsetto)
Help me. I’m so scared!
(With his back to audience, HEDJ mimics passionate make out session)
BO
Did the earth move?
HEDJ
Rolling in the mud, each trying to get on top –
BO
Tearing off each other’s clothes –
HEDJ
Mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing –
(Climax. The men sigh together.)
BO
Wow! Was that good for you?
HEDJ
That’s good for anybody!
(Mutual struggle to calm their breathing.)
You go around that way, I go around this way, we meet over there.
BO
Ok, Ok, so what am I looking for?
HEDJ
Openings. Anyplace they might have gone.
BO
If I see something…?
HEDJ
Say something. Yell. I’ll come over to you.
BO
And you do the same.
HEDJ
How can THAT work? If we’re both yelling and we’re both circling this is like dance class.
BO
I needed a SINGLE PHYS ED CREDIT. JUST ONE.
HEDJ
Oh, relax! We’ve all been in Single Credit Hell.
BO
You have?
HEDJ
Figure skating!
BO
That’s not so bad.
HEDJ
Dude! FIGURE SKATING!
BO
OK, OK. I know how to settle this. We go with the quarterback’s play.
HEDJ
Could you POSSIBLY be thinking that you’re the quarterback in this scenario?
BO
And you’re the figure skater! I’m the one that dared them!
HEDJ
You’ve never quarterbacked in your life!
BO
Flag football! I’m the quarterback if I called the play!
HEDJ
Fantasy football more like. You totally, one hundred percent did not call anything! Circling and strategy was ALL my idea!
BO
Splitting up and walking backward you mean!
HEDJ
If that’s what you’re calling it!
BO
So now you admit it!
HEDJ
I admit it if you admit you drunk-dared them!
BO
I don’t know why every argument circles back to the dawn of time!
HEDJ
OK, then, let’s talk about NOW. I’m the one with the plan.
BO
Which is WHAT?
HEDJ
Specialization! We don’t bother to duplicate each other’s actions. Specialization’s like, the foundation of civilization!
BO
Germ theory is the foundation of civilization!
HEDJ
It so totally is NOT. Look at the Romans! Look at the Egyptians. They were eating rats and drinking sewer water and they were building like crazy!
BO
Modern medicine is the only reason anyone can do anything. Otherwise we would all be four feet one, crippled up with rickets and dead at fifteen.
HEDJ
That is SO not true. Law is what’s keeping us from killing each other like I’m seriously thinking of —
BO
You guys make up your laws, but medicine’s based on biology. That’s REAL law, my man’
HEDJ
Is not.
BO
Is too.
HEDJ
Is NOT.
BO
Ok, Ok, don’t drop your shorts. How about this? Let’s say if we both start yelling, then I’ll be the one to work my way over to you. Happy now?
HEDJ
Right. Sounds good.
BO
See? I’m a problem solver!
HEDJ
Don’t push it.
BO
I just don’t want to get separated is all.
HEDJ
Yeah. Because of the monsters.
BO
I heard that!
(They wander away, exiting different wings.)
Alysse Aallyn 