4. CALESITA –THE MERRY GO ROUND
EVA
Did I leave my diary behind?
Don’t read it, not that you would.
It’s anaphrodisiac. I am filled with envious admiration
For the way you spend your time.
It’s an incentive to work, being alone.
Diplomats are never lonely.
EVAN
My bed gets so icy in the small hours of the morning –
I am losing interest in sex.
Perhaps I am already part of the spirit world.
I am in limbo and will never escape this place.
The teenager remains alive in me, I have a
Panic fear of conformity
So I cast myself as the elderly rake.
I fear I’m the bore –
Marriage gets me down.
EVA
When you go on and on about yourself
You’re a man I don’t recognize.
I prefer your adolescent self.
The man of the house should be a free agent.
A respected prowler
Never lonely, housebound,
Eating baked beans and drinking stewed tea.
EVAN
In other countries women
Are less bossy and more decorative.
You are jealous of my life –
I am jealous of yours.
EVA
Ah the pain of your reproach!
Not seeing you would kill me.
I live for the memory of our every moment.
I wouldn’t give a damn if I died tomorrow.
EVAN
This is the letter I would write you if I dared,
if I weren’t frightened by the cancer
Of your wife-hatred.
I am overworked, wrung out.
Possessed by you.
You make me live at the pitch of anguish.
Our love has roots in good and evil,
It lives in the darkest places of our natures
Shall we end by destroying each other?
You have the deadlier weapons.
EVA
I do have a bad effect on people.
Guilt, conspiracy, love,
I cannot breathe without them.
EVAN
Boredom, dissipation, remorse,
And apprehension– I can’t escape this obsessive cycle.
Beneath the controlled surface of my mind
Opportunities to be frenzied are endless.
I’m afraid of saying something ruthless which many stick.
EVA
This place is full of you.
I can no longer look at hyacinths
Gratitude for our happiness chokes me.
The restlessness of pleasure going to waste.
Missing you is like an illness.
EVAN
If there’s a worm in this bud
Who is the corruptor?
Your insights are so powerful they alter mine.
EVA
I believe we should exchange rings.
Is this a faux pas? Would your wife object?
I need something in case you die of your itch or
I fall out of an airplane.
I wonder why Elayna’s throat won’t heal?
I believe she is ice-bound.
Sealing you away from life.
EVAN
You witch, you have
Frozen poor Elayna’s throat.
I begged you not to. You make all
Suffering physical.
EVA
Elayna’s frozen her own throat –
I wish you’d see it.
Depression is hallucinatory.
Guilt and sorrow undermine my confidence,
I refuse to give them credence.
EVAN
I’m grateful when we talk calmly,
Our fearful scenes seem so long ago.
I’m sure the panic of youth has played its part.
I used to hope you would love me less over time
But now I think we love each other equally.
EVA
You are so near me I feel we are one person.
I feel you now beside me.
I will make you real.
EVAN
I feel your longing
As I fear your signaling.
I owe you happiness
But I can’t express it.
We must believe life is as beautiful as music
Says it is.
EVA
The illusions we cultivate are
A form of courage.
Forget my deficiencies
Find amusement in the worldly game.
Alysse Aallyn 