Tag: Memoir

Inspired Pleasure
Diary of a Dancer
```
    10 PM Sun 24 Apr 77
    Very good day working "critic" at Pacifica radio. Worrying if I get 2nd job 
```
novel will suffer. Maybe Mr. Pierce will take care of that. Finished
Shelley – why is Triumph of Life always the Triumph of Death?
Nothing left to read – Natural Hist of Vampire; ho hum, Beyond
Belief is a yawn, Spoor of Spooks holds some interest but grating
tone. Finished scene between Nilssa and Labarraz – not really happy
with it. Total collapse of self-confidence a real problem for an artist.
```
    Tues 26 Apr 77
    Keith Dalrymple came in to place a call and unfortunately 
```
asked me how I was. Threw myself sobbing into his arms. Scary bad
news.
R. called last night to say, “I’ll take care of you.” Then said
I should move to Maine and get an apt I can “afford”!!! Then said he’d
been comparing everyone in Boston with me – no one stacked up.
Whiplash. “Taking care… isn’t that what hit men say? Butchers?
Garbage men? He is schizo. The unspoken message is I have to be
what he expects – clearly impossible. So why am I stuck? Why can’t
I just move on?
```
    Sexually he’s spoiled me, alas. Must finish this goddam novel 
```
but I need to run around town in a G-string auditioning. Wish there
was anyone I trust to show novel to but everyone’s taste is so weird.
They don’t see what I’m trying to do and they don’t see any point in
getting there. Must learn to please myself but I’m bone tired, dammit.
Making a list of Sources of joy:
Art
Writing
Sisters
Dogs
Nature
The Beauty of Everything
Friends
Love?
```
    11:45 AM  Sun 1 May 77
    Keith softened me up by calling to ask if I’d been in 
```
his office. He smelled my perfume. (I hadn’t.) Agreed to go out with him
Sat night. Just awful. Awful. Keep wishing he was literally ANYONE
else. Dating someone who doesn’t interest you sexually is like trying
to diet by ordering food you dislike. (I actually tried this. Ordered tripe.)
Howlably stupid. Yet no one to howl to.
R. says he’d “hate” to think I “needed” him and didn’t
call. Am I the stupid one here? I think so. Sucker for punishment. Upstairs,
Downstairs cheers me up a little. Considering renting little house in the
wilds of Virginia. Or garden apt. utilities included. Dogs would like it –
close to clubs. Read Eliz Savage’s Good Confession – very minor.
Cleaning. Laundry, dishes, garbage.
Thinking about Sylvia Plath and the problem of panic
attacks. It’s all about learning to steer into the skid.
```
           Wed May 4 - 77
              Made illegal copies of novel at work, drove to Plush 
```
Palace in Virginia to audition. (10 Mins down Rt 1 from Woodrow
Wilson bridge. 1 HR commute). VA pays better, mandates pasties
& stockings, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms (I’m not kidding)
makes sure you don’t sit with or talk to clientele. Amen! I was hired
immediately $90 day plus tips. So pleased. Got a car appt Fri 13th
so El Diablo won’t die on Beltway. Working Thurs, Fr. Sat and there’s
no holdback, they pay you immediately. Buy G-strings & pasties
Landover mall.
Avril says R “betrayed” me. But do you “betray” someone
by having a weak character? He can’t help it. A says he’s behaved
so badly there’s no hope for him. I think he can’t make up his mind –
he wants me only if I don’t want him. Plus if he finds out I’m dancing
again he’ll want to “convert” me. (He’ll think I’m doing it just to torture
him. I don’t plan to tell.) Gave A a copy of my novel to read – feeling
insane – got to get reaction from SOMEBODY. Broadcast asks me to
stay “on call” so Mr. Pierce has forgiven me or is desperate.
```
    Plush Palace – 9 PM Fri 6 May 77
    Very nice dressing room. Girl I’m dancing with (Darla) is just 
```
awful. Find the comparison very cheering. A gobbled my novel up, says
it’s “deep” but “obsessive”; made me feel on right track. How much can
I torture my audience? I‘ve GOT to stop blubbering and start fantasizing.
Who CARES about the pathos of my existence? Make something up.
```
    Sat. 7 May 77
    House is mine! Everyone moved out.  (A’s & Mason’s new 
```
place just what they wanted – skyscraper urban nightmare.) Listening
to opera, reading NY Times, feeling like a Big Success. Dog across
my chest in blissful rapture. ($100 in tips last night!!!) R called to say
I “always have a place with him” and He “has never taken my heart
ring off”. Is he nuts or am I?
```
    Realize for the first time he says things he KNOWS aren’t 
```
true just to hear himself say them!! Just like the Victorians –
mouthing something is halfway there! Because you’re making an
effort! You could not imagine anyone more opposite from me. Hopeless,
hopeless, hopeless, as the rock musicians say.
```
    Reading Bottle Factory Outing – so wonderful. (But liked 
```
The Secret Glass better.) Trying to numb weird longings to write ghost
stories and eat chicken potpie (regression). Wrote first draft of a short
story about a grandmother telling her shocked granddaughter about
“the time I almost committed suicide”. Very matter of fact. Feel I’m
recovering from “mono-soul-iosis” – not just R but my first marriage,
Devon and everyone between. Shoulders asks to borrow lawnmower –
asked me if I want to watch him use it. (He knows he’s pretty.) I do.
```
    7:15 PM 8 May 1977
    Feeling much better, like I’ve passed a turning point.  Wasn’t 
```
sure how much I could trust myself in the past, but if I’ve come through
this, my core must be solid, instead of the jelly mass I fear. Sitting in my
far-from-clean study beneath my poster of Blake’s God & the Angels
enjoying an after dinner cup of coffee. Sanity returns. A. is coming tonight
to get her flicati rugs – that will make the downstairs look empty. Trying
to finish Household’s Courtesy of Death, so I can take all these silly books
to the library, dump them, and get a lifetime supply of Peter de Vries. The
only proven painkiller is laughter. My damn novel’s made a fool out of me.
Time to admit it.
```
    3:15 PM 9 May 77
    Called into Broadcast to sub for Loretta.  Working on Devlyn 
```
galleys. The main scary thing about this place is that no one works
here willingly. “Morale” is a poisonous miasma. Kind of like the
architects’ office.
Mom & Dad raise hell over A’s living with Mason. I thought
they were so worked up about “commitment”! Sharing an apt is a
commitment, isn’t it? Not according to them. Glad poor A is taking
the storm for once and not me. Couldn’t cope with them on top of
everything else. R. and I are trying to evolve into a “friendship”. I know
it sounds stupid but there has to be some third place between
attraction and avoidance because each of those is obsession.
When I ran this idea past R he said I was his “best friend”. This is
why he is so impossible to deal with. Best friend? He wouldn’t
treat a pet the way he’s treated me (the SPCA would come and get him.)
Speaking of Ryder, he just called. Finished my book,
found the Black Mass a little short otherwise liked it. Didn’t say a
word about “who’s Hank based on.” Thank God. He did ask who
the baby’s father is – I said even Nilssa doesn’t know. According
to R. I have “no problems”. (He doesn’t know about the dancing. I
f he was REALLY my best friend I could tell him.) He says we have
the whole rest of our lives to talk. He’s uncannily good at saying
what I want to hear (unfortunately). Seeing him tonight. Take the bus
home, buy wine, wash & set my hair. If only we could get to the stage
where we no longer fear each other.
```
    4:50 PM Tues 10 May 77
    Well we’re not out of the woods yet but perhaps have 
```
found a path. Last night was like losing my virginity all over again
– we were both so shy. Slept wrapped up and embracing. Many
compliments on my body (no tell-tale glitter in the bed.) He said he
was so upset by me breaking up with him at McDonald’s he can’t
go to any McD’s anymore. Pledges of love somewhat ruined by
an argument during breakfast about whether a novel can be “good”
if no one will buy it. Uh oh. I tried keeping it philosophical, not
giving historical examples he wouldn’t recognize (which would be
“one-upping”.) Finally stopped when he got a call from a “goofy
chick.” Should I be worried, I ask, and he says no. But I can’t avoid
the sinking feeling that I don’t dare hitch my wagon to anyone
so dependent on mass psychology – even as a friend – without
losing my way.
```
    8:20 PM Plush Palace
    Getting ready for my 2nd set. Thinking hard I decide
```
I need 8 months in Maine. I should quit Broadcast Agency right
away (I think they need two weeks, poor bastards. No one wants
to work there. When you have to quit a job that allows you to read
you know its bad. This job lets me read and it’s a lot more interesting.)
Stay there the summer at the very least. Just writing. The problem
is, if I’ve got Mom and Dad working on my one side and R working
the other, I’m like a chew toy.
Horrible realization that if I told R I was dancing he would
demand I quit and I might do it. So when I realize the person I need
to be afraid of is me, it’s a Mary Shelley-like horrific moment. Trying
to read Household’s Three Sentinels but all I can think of is those
awful Juan Carlos coffee commercials; “harvesting de beans wid de
donkeys”. My own life way more interesting.
10 PM – It’s my diary that’s my best friend – tell you
anything. Household’s women are unspeakable. Just got to the
place where he describes being “turned on” by the hair on a woman’s
upper lip. Doesn’t do a thing for me. Hungry, but maybe when I get
home I’ll have a yogurt. Trying to save $1000. And stay away from
the 12¢ donuts.
12:55 PM In an hour I’ll be on the road and not a moment
too soon. Fall into the arms of empty house & importunate dogs.
Just ate a whole plate of cold French fries (not good). Boredom’s
my worst enemy. Food at least feels like excitement. Such pathos.
Gentleman Jim just gave me Thurs night, which is welcome.
```
    Broadcast Agency – Wed – 11 May 77 5:35 PM
    R. says his latest philosophy is “To Love is to Be 
```
Happy With.” He’s all worked up about snowshoeing and horseback
riding as the cure-alls for anything that ails us; says he’s budgeting
money to spend on me every week. I do not find this appealing.
He’s a warm puppy, all right, but I’ve already got two of those. In
spite of that I fall into a reverie where we buy an old house outside of
Annapolis, slowly fill it up with precious junk and love each other to
death. Need to go home, eat rice & vegetables, and give dogs a
good long walk. Reading Martha in Paris but thinking about Alysse
in Annapolis…
```
    7:50 PM Sun 15 May 77 
    Justifiably proud –  paid ALL my bills and sent off my 
```
galleys. Nothing like money! (Stupid car needs a new clutch.
It’s always something.) Able to refuse “help” from Mom and Dad
who are dithering about whether I need to be institutionalized.
```
    Told them I was working at a “restaurant” (Let them 
```
assume waitressing. They know I can’t cook. PP does serve food;
State of Virginia makes people who serve alcohol serve something
to sop it up with. Good old Virginia. ) Sent M & D a DEVLYN cover.
$57 left in my acct.; $100 in my purse. (Open a savings acct tomorrow).
```
    Ordered a beautiful Vietnamese print ($80) for Genevieve’s 
```
wedding gift (last time she got married I sent candy. Well, I wasn’t
invited!) Horseback riding did make me horny however – Ryder & I
made love like a pair of wild animals. He may be compact, but he’s
beautiful. Cleaned the entire house. Now darkness falls – means it’s
time to walk the dogs. How I love peering into people’s windows.
When I get back, strong tea with milk and the “splendeurs et misères”
of Monica Dickens. Or will I succumb to that modern master of
the Grimm fairytale, Agatha Christie? No poetry, but plenty of trolls.
December 23, 2022
Inspired Pleasure
Diary of a Dancer
```
    Sat 9 Apr 77
    Mason & Avril moving out. I wash and de-flea dogs – take 
```
Them for a long run. Check Rolfe books out of library to incorporate
into Father Vespula’s act. Supposed to see Black Sunday w/Keith
tonight. I like Robt Shaw and there’s nothing else around.
Had a chance to sell Bruce’s stereo for $100 so jumped
at it.
```
    Sun 10 Apr
    Terrifying evening with Keith. We were at Gallagher’s
```
(ran into Shoulders with Garrett & Opal.) Keith invited me to go
to NJ conference with him! I am not willing to step from “dating”
to “involved”. I have to face ugly truth I’m dating him to make myself
feel better about an abusive ex-boyfriend who refuses to become an
ex (because I keep inviting him back in.) Behind each mask is another
mask. Shoulders said I can store “anything” in his basement if I want to
take off for the summer (that would be nice.) Read Voices in an
Empty Room by Phil Lorraine – just TERRIBLE. Every bad book sets
me back another month. Received copy of Plumly Alumni Directory in
mail.
Reed dies in a climbing accident! He wasn’t wearing climbing
shoes! He was always purposely careless. Challenging God I think.
But it is very sad. Toss Sheffield “my bloodmate” is unmarried! Woo hoo!
Wrote a poem about it.
Met an attaché of the Trinidad-Tobago embassy at the
library. He invited me to dinner. I said yes. Do I really need
“big scenes” in Secaire? Can’t I use “psychic brushes?” Fear
it’s a non-commercial mishmash. I want it to be unique – but
they don’t like that. R. says I’m a beginner who is trying to take
control. Probably true. Despising myself for wanting to tell him
I’ve decided to take up dancing again. I don’t owe him anything.
He wants me to make a big glamorous financial splash WITHOUT
writing genre, taking money from Mom or Dad or dancing!!! Who’s
the beginner trying to take control?
Sat 16 Apr 77
Told R no more phone conversations. They are
not good for me. (He told me he cannot “allow” me to go to
a male gyno!!! Just evil.) He countered, What if I need you?
And I just started shivering. His seeming “tenderness” while
he makes his attacks fools my brain (and heart) but not my body.
I said let’s give it a month. Please. See what happens. I didn’t
want to say why I’m trying so hard to live without him – but it’s
because he makes me feel impotent. Pretty sure he hasn’t
guessed. So I can still hold up my head a little bit. But he’ll
figure it out fast if this goes on. He asked can he break the
silence if he can’t bear it? I said yes. He wrote down the
date of the reunion and that was it.
Trying to read a disgusting student novel for Chloe –
called her needing reassurance I don’t have to read the
whole thing. It is AWFUL. Sex among art students. Bad sex,
bad art. Out with Keith I got contact dislodged and started
muttering about the fact that makeup and contacts don’t mix.
I said to him, “You don’t wear much makeup do you?’ He said,
“Just some base and a little color.” Funny.
Mon 18 Apr 77
Feel like I’m recovering from some awful disease.
The slightest effort depletes me. Thinking about Keith;
I don’t want a relationship without sex. It’s the staff of life.
Going without is like dieting – attending parties where you
watch everyone else partake. But I don’t want to have
sex with him, and I don’t want a relationship that’s only sex,
which appears to be what’s on offer from the attaché of
Trinidad-Tobago. He invited me to the International Hotel
for dinner – turned out to be in his room!! Room service!
No thank you! I said. He says, “Nobody thinks anything of it
on the “Continent” (which is ridiculous.) He is married, used
a false name, please. I said No thank you. He had the grace
to apologize mightily, take me to my favorite restaurant L’Escargot,
and gave me a case of bitters from the trunk of his car ! How
“break up” with Keith when we are not an item? I guess I just
have to start turning him down. Chloe sicced some horrible
poet on me who wants me to read her memoir. I don’t think I
like the “literary life”.
Tues 19 Apr 77
Forcing myself not to call R. Starting to suffer sexually.
Gotta have something. But I don’t want to see what lies beneath
Keith’s suit.
Wed 20 Apr 77
Beginning the novel AGAIN in accordance with my
latest idea. Reading Shelley at work. Chloe’s latest find, Erika is
lesbian poet with a fetish for black girls. She picks them up at clubs.
Kicks them out without breakfast. Ryder called. He doesn’t want to
wait until the twenty-second because he will be in Boston for a job
interview! I was polite but distant, listening to his tales of “growth”.
Said he’s been “comforting” his friend Sherry who sounds like a
poor wretch. I know I was supposed to get jealous but she sounded
sexually unborn; “No one has ever really “touched” her. I know I was
supposed to ask if he’d assumed the job. Refused. Did get kind of
excited about Boston, however, telling him how wonderful it is. Bliss to
shed all of this and just start over.
```
    23 Apr 77
    Mason and Avril borrowing $500 from Dad so they can 
```
move to Calif! Sounds definite. I’m sad. Don’t think he’s good for
her but in my experience there’s only one way to find that out. If she
goes I inherit a quantity of very nice furniture (including cute little
rolltop desk.) Got 3 free bottles of wine from Amis des Vins so invited
Shoulders over to celebrate. He is beautiful but has far too roving an
eye for my comfort. (The Master of One Night Stands.) I need to rely
on knowing where my next emotional meal is coming from. Or you
can blame my compulsive need to be worshipped.
```
    Broadcast Agency – Wash DC – 21 Apr 77 4:55PM
    Peaceful job bordering on narcosis. Sitting in my own little 
```
office, feet up on windowsill till something happens – staff places
most of their calls themselves. Switching over to newer system means
my recently acquired talents soon will be obsolete and I am so
backward in my thinking that this is just fine with me as long as
they leave me alone for now. Reading more Woolf; her interesting
artist/critic fusion.
Avril called asking about R: Am I kicking and screaming
sufficiently against my fate? No. I want him to show his real self to me
in all its horror so I know where I am. Seems like he is good at saying
he loves me and wants me when I am not around. No use to me. I
demand constant growth & rebirth and he doesn’t like that. So, not a
healthy state of affairs.
Endless diet of vegetables & yogurt, yogurt & vegetables.
To think I used to believe “being published” made all the difference! In
fact, screaming madness seems just a shot away. How can you trust
anyone who doesn’t know who they are (much less care who you are!)
Walk myself to exhaustion at night through darkened Chevy Chase,
remembering the old days when A. & I used to slip into people’s pools.
Ah youth.
```
    Bus – 12:25 PM Fri 22 Apr 77
    Hot day, dreamy and content. Secaire at 40,000 words coming 
```
along just fine. Reading Rosalind Ashe’s Moths. 100 degrees out.
```
    5:15 PM
    Mr. Pierce rooting in my desk finds my pornographic sample
```
telegrams. (They look like cut & paste objets d’art.) I say obviously I
didn’t send them and he reluctantly believes me since they’re not on
charge list. But he was horrified and looked at me with unpleasantly
new eyes. My days here could be numbered. R. is triggering flashbacks
to worst aspects of my marriage to Bruce. Our marriage failed because
of his character: he dove for cover in a shelter that held only one. He was
a weak, shiftless, spineless, pathetic liar, so now we know I have a
propensity for those. Time for dinner? I brought pears, cheese, pineapple,
bread. Finishing The Pursuit about Shelley – so involving and fantastic
I should just start it over again the minute I get to last page (as I
did with Anna Karenina). A good desert island book. I make a vow
not to drink alone. Dangerously depressed. Sexual hunger is bad
news. Standards could plummet. Pool of possibles restricted.
Starting to understand how “good sex” can actually be a
bad thing in a relationship. Wishing R will move to Boston to take
care of my situation but he’s too much of a “home boy”. The opposite
of a world citizen.
December 22, 2022
Inspired Pleasure
Diary of a Dancer
```
    7:45 AM Mon 20 Sept 76
    R’s latest accusation is that I fell in love first!!  So weird.  
```
Reminiscent of ex-husband. Some version of gaslighting? It’s a definite
power grab. He said he was “embarrassed” by my emotional intensity!
I have a feeling he’s trying to cobble together a story he can tell other
people. As for me, I’m trying to figure out what really happened. Used
to think R’s lack of experience wouldn’t affect us but I can see it really
has. Got my hair cut; of course I think it’s too short. Dreading what
Genevieve will say.
```
    10:40 AM Wed 22 Sept. 76
    Woke up after horrible nightmare in which Jacqueline 
```
Susann showed me her cancer to have R drive me to the station.
We’re in a financial nightmare – A’s rent check bounced twice so
expenses going up. R says I have to start an exercise plan –
since I can’t dance. He’s hilarious!
Lunch with Ruby and my agent. Agent (Ruth) was euphoric.
Starting to feel the book was written by a stranger. I tried so hard to
make it English and Victorian – I NEVER want to do that again.
Can’t say THAT, obviously, especially after Ruby remarked I was
“so good looking we should make it a series.” Devlyn’s best gothic
they’ve ever read! They both drank heavily while disagreeing with
virtually everything I had to say about poetry and literature. Their
recommendation: write a love story. Pity we don’t know what love is,
isn’t it? I MIGHT be able to manage a sex story. Oh well. Genevieve
full of secret divorce-and-getting-together-with-hush-hush-sweetie
plans. Don’t tell Kent anything. He asks me what’s going on –
I play dumb but not too well. He must know something’s up.
Awkward! Walk to library and back thinking about St. Secaire.
How make that a love story? Everyone’s a predator or an idiot.
```
    Fri. 24 Sept 76
    Checked my acct - $54!! Don’t know where it came from 
```
but I will spend it. Sent poems to Chloe Aparo, borrow bike from
Shoulders. Ryder wants to go horseback riding, we went to see
The Tenant instead. (Cheaper). R managed to discuss it intelligently.
Trying to research the occult for Secaire. Reading bad suspense
novel – Geoffrey Turtons Devil’s Churchyard. I liked all his other
books. Dump it for Aleister Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend. $10
to live on for 2 weeks. Mom & Dad sent emergency check.
```
    6:25 PM – Sun 3 Oct 76
    Fabulous dinner party last night. Steak tartare, crab 
```
and cheese casserole, lots of wine. R and I fall asleep in each
other’s arms. We have more sex “broken up” than when we were
dating. Got offered $3.50 an hour for 4 hr a day legal secretary!!!
Out of their minds. Trying to sell my wedding dress for $150 –
got one porno call.
```
    Tues 5 Oct 76
    4pm appt with Environmental Defense Fund. Howard 
```
Nemerov such a relief after Auden.
```
    Thurs 11:30 PM 7 Oct 76
    Typical Tyler St evening. Lying in bed (alone) powdered 
```
and polished from bath. Maeve and Avril out on dates. R is working,
I’m reading Quest for Theseus. Got too depressed reading
Shirley Jackson. Her life solutions: food and cigarettes – plenty
of both. Lost EDF job – as soon as they turned me down I
decide I want it! To WTTG to apply for “production asst” job –
200 people spilling into street! Didn’t bother. How write about
love if it’s impossible?
I owe Maeve money – she doesn’t like it and I don’t
like it. Tension almost unbearable waiting for my check.
R offered jobs in Pittsburgh & Detroit. (He says he
doesn’t ever want to leave though it’s the only way to make more $$.)
```
    12:55 PM Wed 13 1976 These are the times that try 
```
women’s souls. Desperately accepted switchboard job at Broadcasters
Agency because it looks easy and I can think my own thoughts.
Replacing a girl going on maternity leave so I’m not stuck if I don’t
like it. Agent sent check told me not to cash it for a week!!! Thinking
they’re all scam artists. Reading Diane Johnson’s brilliant Lesser
Lives. Avril depressed over Mason. Maeve depressed over George.
I am buying diet pills because of sedentary job.
```
    Switchboard Broadcast Agency 9:15 AM – Fr. 18 Feb 77
    New notebooks such a thrill. Always a fresh start:  
```
I could almost become anyone. Worked 3 full days this week –
more $$ in the coffers. Avril coming in to Broadcasters Agency
to apply for Zelma’s old job – $8500/yr for 7 hr day. Hope she
gets it. Brought in The Voyage Out today – I WILL finish it –
bring it to its knees. Perfect example of everything usually wrong
with first novels. Don’t like her novels as much as letters and diaries.
Talk about peering through a glass darkly. Oh well. Still drinking
coffee and picking the fuzz out of my eyes. Period’s arrived with its
usual exquisite timing. Once I’ve finished Secaire (needs a final burst)
can rewrite Find Courtney. Sort of a love story there.
December 19, 2022
Inspired Pleasure

Diary of a Dancer

31 July 76 Shalimar

R came in but I managed to get rid of him. Sandy

brought in a huge bag of string beans, squash and tomatoes

from her garden – I told Ryder to take them home and cook them.

My job is turning into a source of tremendous conflict – he is the

snake in his own paradise. Plus tips really fall off when he is

here. I am already looking at a very tough month financially –

trying to take so much time off. He said he’ll be back at the end

of the night to pick me up – he’s hurt when I’m “in need” and

don’t call him. So that saves cab fare anyhow.

We took a walk between sets and talked about his

parents – second generation immigrants, lifelong Army. He doesn’t

tell them anything (they obviously know his marriage broke up

and now he’s with me – but they don’t know about his deafness,

for example or about his classes at Gallaudet.) He said to me,

can you believe I’ve only seen these people twice in the past

four years? And we live in the same state. Wait till he meets

my parents – shudder. I’ll put it off as long as I possibly can.

      Dancing tonight with Alicia. Poor Alicia. She’s a

“dripper”(constantly leaking pee) but blames it on hypoglycemia.

She hates dancing when there are so few people in here.

It’s kind of interesting. She sort of has a whorish appearance and

doesn’t realize she’s trapped in a vicious cycle – audience thinks

she’s a loose woman, she thinks they’re perverts.

      I’m trying not to fall into the super-loving, super-giving

trap but Ryder is the first guy I’ve ever met who would obviously

be a wonderful father. Rare among men under thirty? Or something.

      Talked to A on the phone – she was bored to tears at home

so I suggested she come in. We shared a burger basket and she

saw me dance for the first time. She wasn’t grossed out at all by

the semi-nudity – which is good – told me I’m a great dancer and

she really envies me my pelvic wiggle.

Also told me I have a terrific body – which really cheered

me up because I still feel too hefty around Ryder. (At his parents’ house

we went over his old scrapbooks – he was the star quarterback in

high school football. They described him as 5’4”! That’s a lot

shorter than he admits to these days. His boots have at least two

inch heels.) A left after one set because all the guys of course

came on to her. Obvious losers, alas, including the one who insists

he’s a hitman for the CIA and another who claims to be giving

away government jobs.

Unfortunately I’m dependent on the tips of these characters.

Ryder has been telling them all that I’m a writer (instead of a call girl,

presumably) which gives me a lot of explaining to do.

I wish I had money to buy things the house needs –

flashlights and fuses and drainers and shelving and all that stuff –

but I’m saving every bit for our trip to the Finger Lakes. Aug 5 will

mark one month in the house and six months since I quit the

architects. Seems like much longer than that. Where will I be

six months from now?

Hope my gothic novel sells – I need an immediate

hundred grand. I really can’t write with R sucking up all my free time.

I’ve been struggling with another poem about him – even that isn’t

coming. Hopefully we’ll settle down into being able to work side

by side quietly – maybe after our vacation.

6:00 PM, Chevy Chase Tyler St, 2 Aug 76

Across the street Shoulders, dressed in a skimpy football

undershirt, is mowing his lawn. He is a sight to behold.

Sitting over my repaired typewriter with a cup of hot tea

and a case of writer’s block. I could write a poem about Shoulders –

already R is interfering with my life. Beautiful day – a little chilly –

a little Maine edge to it.

Finished Stead’s Dark Places – which I adored – absolutely

one of a kind. Another bothersome thing about R – he really doesn’t

read. He’s been dragging around a sleazy paperback “heist comedy”

he pretends to read from time to time. At this rate it will take him six

months. I am struggling with All Authors are Equal but I may give

up on it and read Famous Washington Ghosts which R picked up

for me to add to my considerable collection of ghost stories (I must

have 50 vols.)

On the phone with Maeve my old Baltimore buddy –

she is behind in her rent but looking for a new job. In the meantime

borrowing from boyfriends.   I take a perverse pleasure that anyone

is managing worse than me.

Shalimar – 10:20 PM

Called in tonight to replace another girl – great – that

means I work 5 times this week. Just that small amount makes a

big difference. A is in the chips right now and I could owe her

but don’t want to.

When I came in they told me R had been in 30 mins

before. That was a little unsettling – I didn’t realize he would come in

if I weren’t here. Of course it is really close to his job – but equally

of course the food is more expensive here than just about

anywhere else he could choose. I look at who was dancing

to see whether he would think she was in any way better than me –

luckily it was the pisser Alicia instead of potentially scary

competition like, say, Gloria. He didn’t know I was coming in,

because Carmen didn’t tell him. Reading the Ghosts of

Washington. Wonderful poem potential.

Shalimar Thurs 5 Aug 76

R dearer every day, in spite of the fact that he’s

been checking up on me. Called and called last night – wondered

where I was – I wasn’t too sure how to tell him A and I were

over at Shoulders’ drinking, so I just said we were visiting

the neighbors. Standing in their yard, which wasn’t true. He is

jealous of Shoulders and I don’t blame him – such lush male

beauty makes women helpless. A is a complete mess over him.

He frequently wanders around the house in nothing but his

boxers – we call them as his “huppa”.

      R. finally got an apt and can stop “crashing” with

friends – one bedroom at the top of a Rockville skyscraper.

Sounds crazy expensive to me. Wrote a good poem –

capitol ghosts – today from the book R gave me.

Trying to think where to send it. Tomorrow’s my day off –

R coming over at 2.

CAPITOL GHOSTS

Pale Guiteau
slants his disappointed child’s face
downwards; the better to study bloodstains left
by assassins more accomplished than himself
who required benefit of anonymous surgeons
specially qualified for skewering
the muscles of the mighty.

The guard who saw him
claimed also to hear demon cats
and could not be relied upon.
these portents once were matters of
congressional dispute; now
no matter; caught within the marbled lurch
of history, victims

of the uninspired mad;
those who pursue the corpse from whom
the ghost escaped. He haunts our history
like the villainous barber who sings as he slits
both throats and wombs, a pure tune
some say, picked clean of tragedy
which only the dying hear.

Shalimar 7 Aug 76

Sitting here in a stupor of exhaustion. We had an

Al Green fan in here tonight – kept playing same song over

and over. Presumably working through some kind of a

relationship crisis. They don’t realize coming here and blowing

their money kills any relationship – and I am not going to tell

them. Anyway I hate Al Green. Missed my bus this AM so

took the Fessenden bus and walked across. A better way to go –

I like the walk – to hell with this transfer business.

I have to admit R doesn’t seem to understand

poetry. He’s very suspicious of all ease, elegance, lightness.

Too much Nature! “Work” should make you grit your teeth,

groan and bulge your forehead veins. The easier it comes,

the less valuable it MUST be. (He would hate Picasso’s very

best stuff!) I’ve tried getting him to understand by comparing

art to athletics – it only looks easy – it’s the training beforehand

that’s so hard. The trick is to render training invisible. But he

seems to think modern poetry is a plot to make him look stupid.

Really worried about money lately – everything at

Unibank is bouncing. It doesn’t take much to set off a chain

reaction. Guess I’ll have to borrow from A after all.

      How true it is that before you can love you must

love yourself. My love for myself is wavering. Just finished

Sean Stiles’ Occam’s Razor. I hate to see a good idea wasted.

Mostly I am depressed by the poor quality of the stories in

the Times Detective Story competition anthology. This is

something I should aspire to? I’m on a wonderful streak

of poetry – keep piling them up – got ophelia and

haunted house this eve.

OPHELIA WAS A MAN
The best revenge is growing up.
Behold a street of suicides –
Fringed lampshades &
Mullioned windows where
The dentist’s son grew dope
From seed (they had eight bathrooms and
The dentist couldn’t be everywhere)
His wife was nowhere; we saw her leave
With the cat in a suitcase clawing to get out.
“Crazier than thou” averred my aunt.
That boy blew the fruits of orthodontal science until
The day he blew his mind –
We traced the hissing-pissing-noise
To the garage of the stockbroker’s son; he’s
The one who stayed home from Yale to rewrite Hamlet
(Made it better – put in people you could recognize)
Type-cast himself – since he saw ghosts.
Two fine boys married to each other
Rosy-cheeked and sightless
In their parents’ wedding clothes.

      Tomorrow R is taking me on a tour of the television

station and out to lunch. This is a biggie – see where he works.

So I had to buy a gorgeous black linen jumpsuit (size 5!) Should

be worn with high red heels – but needless to say, can’t around

R. So instead, flat sandals. Fortunately everything is on sale.

A and I have decided to ask Maeve to move in with us – we can’t

seem to manage alone and we do have three bedrooms, but

she’ll have to hide from the landlord. I hate to do it. Letter from

D today – he’s in love with the 18 yr old virgin daughter of his minister.

Didn’t do a thing to me. God bless ‘em.

      Rick the gambler in tonight. He’s a friend of R’s – cheered

me up by telling me I’ve done so much for R who was really “hurting”

over his divorce.

Ryder – I love you – but I don’t really know who you are.

Hope you are who you pretend to be.

December 15, 2022
Inspired Pleasure
Diary of a Dancer
```
    Fri 23 July 76 - Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland 
    R and I have seen each other every day since Fri – 
```
I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back.
I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work
and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex –
first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect
to be all right.
Adore these slow working mornings. I get up
with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now
working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving
at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar
such a pleasure – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced
on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready, feeling
like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec.
Yesterday we met our across the street neighbors –
one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree
in Hospital Administration. Among ourselves we call him
“Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see
them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be
in heaven. Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to
dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.

Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 PM
God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body –
love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face.
Those blond Italians! He wouldn’t like to hear me say it –
he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but
he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon –
he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t
care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman pleasure.
We fit together exactly – interlocking puzzle pieces even
upside down. I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees
with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a
hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm
was so great I wept. I fell asleep with him inside me. Wrote
a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him. If I
learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent.
He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want
to buy a bookcase.
Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could
he possibly love me as much as I love him? Yesterday walking
in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one
serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to
limit the experience. Which of course was exactly the right answer.
The worst part is his trouble with my job.
He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because
he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers
World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine,
all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he
can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as
I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour,
before my set.

11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76
Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken
up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more.
Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays, Carmen
checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect.
We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his
right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long
purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the
supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license
in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going
to see to it. I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much
as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.
```
9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
        Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of 
```
my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 –
left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears.
He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign
language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made
him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no
later than Weds.
Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of
the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected
the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish
amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house
(though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight)
I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall.
Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied
till I just can’t boogie no more.

Club Shalimar– 30 July 76
Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two
roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is
a lot younger.
We had glorious talks on our way there and back –
about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone);
our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that
again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around)
first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned!
Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he
can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise.
I guess I could say the same about him.
Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and
came. He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and
his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me
that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t
understand it when they married, assuming it was something you
get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child –
he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually
just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective
concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in
my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely
mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount
it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the
“perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred.
2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then
I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his
car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time
to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door.
We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake
eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem:
Love, the Magician.

The Magician is a Capricorn
Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples
Pale like mine but
Maler.
Illusion, he says is memory
Of things that should have been.
Doves and rabbits he entices
From sacred groves between my legs
Placed by ruse, and freed by art.
When he dies, passion turns his eyes
To quarters.
He hears the world but faintly
Through his one good ear.
The other turns to me,
Safecracker’s daughter.
Trust the magician, voices tell me
He knows when to drop the dice.
December 14, 2022
Inspired Pleasure
Diary of a Dancer
```
    1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
    We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room 
```
but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my
time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from
his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been
together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on
the go, but very entertaining He usually brings me gifts –
flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a
diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses.
Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date.
Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity…
and love. It’s a problem!
The oilman came to the house today says he’s
shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay
COD! Fortunately I had just got off work and I had the cash
on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need
much oil till winter. Let’s hope.
Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he
gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she
expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do
that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said,
I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till
it hurt and he begged for mercy. Poor Avril had a long hard
day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at
Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s
and it’s a deal.
```
    10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
    Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St 
```
bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting
starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman
– if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave.
9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room
eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The
Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona,
Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time
films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos.
Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some-
time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I
didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat
from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…”
have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then
suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.
```
    Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar 
    7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up 
```
here so I was already exhausted. I hate packing. Getting to
be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His
expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I
thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay
here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize”
me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after
talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits
with his wife!
He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more
money – that’s how they get ahead in his business –
jump from station to station. I told him he should take it –
turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped
I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world.
I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says,
why are you doing this? I said, to meet you.
Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and
funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility.
4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from
Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I
haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week.
Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall. Today
marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.
```
    Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar
    A & I hung living room paintings today, and last piece 
```
was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his
name mean anything to me in twenty years? Brought blow dryer,
change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back
into shape after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy
(bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender).
A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm
and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with
dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing
them move about with candles. What does the future hold?
I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there.
Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of charm.
```
    17 July 76
    Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have 
```
to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper
named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried
a whip onstage – everything but a donkey, as one of the other
dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on
how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn.
But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He
ordered in Italian. The weirdest thing about him is that he
doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank
for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles –
he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it.
We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful –
A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of
wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry
I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right.
He liked valentine the best –

Valentine
I sent myself in a letter
Heart-creased
Like a glove
Too much folded
An anecdote
Too much told
Dear stranger don’t
Lose me
I forgot the rule
(Hold back a copy)

Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously
passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the
first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place
but I hope it’s inevitable.”
I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have
to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the
top of my dress either. He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to
really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment
after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing
tomorrow, then on a four day cruise sometime in August.
December 13, 2022
Correction!
Diary of a Dancer
```
    Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
    Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating 
```
our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first
then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach.
Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on
the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one
building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I
need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my
novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again
so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless
dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going
to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make
herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off
than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I
wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy
jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of
this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and
wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a
thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts,
hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside.
Isn’t life rotten?
```
    10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
    Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed 
```
bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No
more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and
each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.
She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s
dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE
SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow.
Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have
to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt
lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else
to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad
says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too
“masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and
pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had
two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading
Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what
a painful ugly duckling story!
```
    Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
    Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews 
```
AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the
money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to
dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and
that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up
close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after
rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at
Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
```
    11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
    No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man 
```
Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of
attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at
the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering
at the young desk when this young man with dark curly
hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and
what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus
military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband
around his head and was all set for running but his plans
changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead.
His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to
the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time –
playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.
I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he
represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage
of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful.
We shall see.
Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island
and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank.
Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right.
Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.
I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings
to help me with my ghost stories.
```
    2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
    Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided 
```
to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death,
Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well
at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
```
    Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
    Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered 
```
me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money
dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a
car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think
I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what
the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed
to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle –
2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without
my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in
Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they
are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
```
    Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
    Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have 
```
dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up,
but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon –
boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for
Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not
“available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.
Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.
He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously
very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate
for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril
makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”
But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.
She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else.
Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in
the family begging us to intervene.
```
    2 PM – 9 June 76
    Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.  
```
Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.
Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They
brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I
took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi
driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t
charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him
a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers
like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.
Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.
Tempted to risk it.

11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda
Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an
interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed
me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through
in their whites. They are very polite.
```
    Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
    Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the 
```
other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.
It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.
I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just
completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing
in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks
crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m
pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the
weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”
She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really
good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like –
which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You
can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my
ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel!
Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized
so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.

Avril friend a complete bozo but

places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and
lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver.
DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her
money too small, gas costs, etc.
A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase
on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty
about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can
have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina
Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t
read fiction any more.
```
    Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
    Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: 
```
“Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot
of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously
– and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need
mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster.
I got 2 standing ovations today.
The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting
into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with
the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the
headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as
I learn the ins and outs.
Avril loves her new job – thank God – they
want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin)
and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.
She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window
and tell me what you see.”
Met the most charming little man – a TV director
at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician
and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre.
His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts
my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading
Meyer’s Ibsen.
December 12, 2022

Inspired Pleasure

Diary of a Dancer

Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.

Fri. 16 April 1976 - 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.

Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?

10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
Answered an ad for “go-go girl”. You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous. She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!

Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.

11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side. I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see.
Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank. Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to. I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.

2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.

Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.

Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap. Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”. He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!” But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend. She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.

2 PM – 9 June 76
Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner. Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined. Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long. Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car. Tempted to risk it.
11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.

Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM -
Things could hardly be worse. Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me. It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it. I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?” She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic! Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.

Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
A’s friend a complete bozo. Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc.
A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.

Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar
Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster. I got 2 standing ovations today.
The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs.
Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city. She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.”
Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen.

December 12, 2022

Escaping

Leaving the Coven

A craven of cronies stood

Between us & God

God hated short skirts, God

Demands clones.

A damnation of judges

Stood between us &

Knowledge; truth exists

Only in service to others.

A clowder of cretins

Stood between us &

Art: “Don’t be disturbing”

“Never trust instincts.”

From the depths of

This oubliette

You drank the koolaid

Guaranteeing your survival

Cherishing passion

Rescuing me –

So I could grow up

And write this poem.

October 31, 2022
On Reading the Alumni Directory

ON READING THE ALUMNI DIRECTORY

Surprised

How few of us have made it.

The years are quiet

The years are far between.

Through interstices fall

Class clowns

The sluts, the giant

Nobodies

The possessed; hunted

Now as they were then;

“address unknown”

“Still lives with Mom”

“Religious cult”

“Deadbeat”

“Moved…nowhere.”

My bloodmate’s unmarried

would we get still along?

I translate terpsichore to English, so

Journalism incompatible.

He lives so far away;

Law’s a bitch and

They got my address wrong.

October 25, 2022