Tag: Memoir

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        7:45 AM Mon 20 Sept 76
        R’s latest accusation is that I fell in love first!!  So weird.  
    

    Reminiscent of ex-husband. Some version of gaslighting? It’s a definite
    power grab. He said he was “embarrassed” by my emotional intensity!
    I have a feeling he’s trying to cobble together a story he can tell other
    people. As for me, I’m trying to figure out what really happened. Used
    to think R’s lack of experience wouldn’t affect us but I can see it really
    has. Got my hair cut; of course I think it’s too short. Dreading what
    Genevieve will say.

        10:40 AM Wed 22 Sept. 76
        Woke up after horrible nightmare in which Jacqueline 
    

    Susann showed me her cancer to have R drive me to the station.
    We’re in a financial nightmare – A’s rent check bounced twice so
    expenses going up. R says I have to start an exercise plan –
    since I can’t dance. He’s hilarious!
    Lunch with Ruby and my agent. Agent (Ruth) was euphoric.
    Starting to feel the book was written by a stranger. I tried so hard to
    make it English and Victorian – I NEVER want to do that again.
    Can’t say THAT, obviously, especially after Ruby remarked I was
    “so good looking we should make it a series.” Devlyn’s best gothic
    they’ve ever read! They both drank heavily while disagreeing with
    virtually everything I had to say about poetry and literature. Their
    recommendation: write a love story. Pity we don’t know what love is,
    isn’t it? I MIGHT be able to manage a sex story. Oh well. Genevieve
    full of secret divorce-and-getting-together-with-hush-hush-sweetie
    plans. Don’t tell Kent anything. He asks me what’s going on –
    I play dumb but not too well. He must know something’s up.
    Awkward! Walk to library and back thinking about St. Secaire.
    How make that a love story? Everyone’s a predator or an idiot.

        Fri. 24 Sept 76
        Checked my acct - $54!! Don’t know where it came from 
    

    but I will spend it. Sent poems to Chloe Aparo, borrow bike from
    Shoulders. Ryder wants to go horseback riding, we went to see
    The Tenant instead. (Cheaper). R managed to discuss it intelligently.
    Trying to research the occult for Secaire. Reading bad suspense
    novel – Geoffrey Turtons Devil’s Churchyard. I liked all his other
    books. Dump it for Aleister Crowley’s Diary of a Drug Fiend. $10
    to live on for 2 weeks. Mom & Dad sent emergency check.

        6:25 PM – Sun 3 Oct 76
        Fabulous dinner party last night. Steak tartare, crab 
    

    and cheese casserole, lots of wine. R and I fall asleep in each
    other’s arms. We have more sex “broken up” than when we were
    dating. Got offered $3.50 an hour for 4 hr a day legal secretary!!!
    Out of their minds. Trying to sell my wedding dress for $150 –
    got one porno call.

        Tues 5 Oct 76
        4pm appt with Environmental Defense Fund. Howard 
    

    Nemerov such a relief after Auden.

        Thurs 11:30 PM 7 Oct 76
        Typical Tyler St evening. Lying in bed (alone) powdered 
    

    and polished from bath. Maeve and Avril out on dates. R is working,
    I’m reading Quest for Theseus. Got too depressed reading
    Shirley Jackson. Her life solutions: food and cigarettes – plenty
    of both. Lost EDF job – as soon as they turned me down I
    decide I want it! To WTTG to apply for “production asst” job –
    200 people spilling into street! Didn’t bother. How write about
    love if it’s impossible?
    I owe Maeve money – she doesn’t like it and I don’t
    like it. Tension almost unbearable waiting for my check.
    R offered jobs in Pittsburgh & Detroit. (He says he
    doesn’t ever want to leave though it’s the only way to make more $$.)

        12:55 PM Wed 13 1976 These are the times that try 
    

    women’s souls. Desperately accepted switchboard job at Broadcasters
    Agency because it looks easy and I can think my own thoughts.
    Replacing a girl going on maternity leave so I’m not stuck if I don’t
    like it. Agent sent check told me not to cash it for a week!!! Thinking
    they’re all scam artists. Reading Diane Johnson’s brilliant Lesser
    Lives.
    Avril depressed over Mason. Maeve depressed over George.
    I am buying diet pills because of sedentary job.

        Switchboard Broadcast Agency 9:15 AM – Fr. 18 Feb 77
        New notebooks such a thrill. Always a fresh start:  
    

    I could almost become anyone. Worked 3 full days this week –
    more $$ in the coffers. Avril coming in to Broadcasters Agency
    to apply for Zelma’s old job – $8500/yr for 7 hr day. Hope she
    gets it. Brought in The Voyage Out today – I WILL finish it –
    bring it to its knees. Perfect example of everything usually wrong
    with first novels. Don’t like her novels as much as letters and diaries.
    Talk about peering through a glass darkly. Oh well. Still drinking
    coffee and picking the fuzz out of my eyes. Period’s arrived with its
    usual exquisite timing. Once I’ve finished Secaire (needs a final burst)
    can rewrite Find Courtney. Sort of a love story there.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

    31 July 76 Shalimar


    R came in but I managed to get rid of him. Sandy


    brought in a huge bag of string beans, squash and tomatoes


    from her garden – I told Ryder to take them home and cook them.


    My job is turning into a source of tremendous conflict – he is the


    snake in his own paradise. Plus tips really fall off when he is


    here. I am already looking at a very tough month financially –


    trying to take so much time off. He said he’ll be back at the end


    of the night to pick me up – he’s hurt when I’m “in need” and


    don’t call him. So that saves cab fare anyhow. 


    We took a walk between sets and talked about his


    parents – second generation immigrants, lifelong Army. He doesn’t


    tell them anything (they obviously know his marriage broke up


    and now he’s with me – but they don’t know about his deafness,


    for example or about his classes at Gallaudet.) He said to me,


    can you believe I’ve only seen these people twice in the past


    four years? And we live in the same state.  Wait till he meets


    my parents – shudder. I’ll put it off as long as I possibly can.


          Dancing tonight with Alicia. Poor Alicia. She’s a


    “dripper”(constantly leaking pee) but blames it on hypoglycemia.


    She hates dancing when there are so few people in here.


    It’s kind of interesting. She sort of has a whorish appearance and


    doesn’t realize she’s trapped in a vicious cycle – audience thinks


    she’s a loose woman, she thinks they’re perverts.


          I’m trying not to fall into the super-loving, super-giving


    trap but Ryder is the first guy I’ve ever met who would obviously


    be a wonderful father. Rare among men under thirty? Or something.


          Talked to A on the phone – she was bored to tears at home


    so I suggested she come in. We shared a burger basket and she


    saw me dance for the first time. She wasn’t grossed out at all by


    the semi-nudity – which is good – told me I’m a great dancer and


    she really envies me my pelvic wiggle. 


    Also told me I have a terrific body – which really cheered


    me up because I still feel too hefty around Ryder. (At his parents’ house


    we went over his old scrapbooks – he was the star quarterback in


    high school football. They described him as 5’4”! That’s a lot


    shorter than he admits to these days. His boots have at least two


    inch heels.)  A left after one set because all the guys of course


    came on to her. Obvious losers, alas, including the one who insists


    he’s a hitman for the CIA and another who claims to be giving


    away government jobs.


    Unfortunately I’m dependent on the tips of these characters. 


    Ryder has been telling them all that I’m a writer (instead of a call girl,


    presumably) which gives me a lot of explaining to do. 


    I wish I had money to buy things the house needs –


    flashlights and fuses and drainers and shelving and all that stuff –


    but I’m saving every bit for our trip to the Finger Lakes. Aug 5 will


    mark one month in the house and six months since I quit the


    architects. Seems like much longer than that. Where will I be


    six months from now?


    Hope my gothic novel sells – I need an immediate


    hundred grand. I really can’t write with R sucking up all my free time.


    I’ve been struggling with another poem about him – even that isn’t


    coming. Hopefully we’ll settle down into being able to work side


    by side quietly – maybe after our vacation.


    6:00 PM, Chevy Chase Tyler St, 2 Aug 76


    Across the street Shoulders, dressed in a skimpy football


    undershirt, is mowing his lawn. He is a sight to behold.


    Sitting over my repaired typewriter with a cup of hot tea


    and a case of writer’s block. I could write a poem about Shoulders –


    already R is interfering with my life. Beautiful day – a little chilly –


    a little Maine edge to it.


    Finished Stead’s Dark Places – which I adored – absolutely


    one of a kind. Another bothersome thing about R – he really doesn’t


    read. He’s been dragging around a sleazy paperback “heist comedy”


    he pretends to read from time to time. At this rate it will take him six


    months.  I am struggling with All Authors are Equal but I may give


    up on it and read Famous Washington Ghosts which R picked up


    for me to add to my considerable collection of ghost stories (I must


    have 50 vols.)


    On the phone with Maeve my old Baltimore buddy –


    she is behind in her rent but looking for a new job. In the meantime


    borrowing from boyfriends.   I take a perverse pleasure that anyone


    is managing worse than me.


    Shalimar – 10:20 PM


    Called in tonight to replace another girl – great – that


    means I work 5 times this week.  Just that small amount makes a


    big difference. A is in the chips right now and I could owe her


    but don’t want to.


    When I came in they told me R had been in 30 mins


    before. That was a little unsettling – I didn’t realize he would come in


    if I weren’t here. Of course it is really close to his job – but equally


    of course the food is more expensive here than just about


    anywhere else he could choose.  I look at who was dancing


    to see whether he would think she was in any way better than me –


    luckily it was the pisser Alicia instead of potentially scary


    competition like, say, Gloria. He didn’t know I was coming in,


    because Carmen didn’t tell him.  Reading the Ghosts of


    Washington. Wonderful poem potential. 

    Shalimar Thurs 5 Aug 76


    R dearer every day, in spite of the fact that he’s


    been checking up on me. Called and called last night – wondered


    where I was – I wasn’t too sure how to tell him A and I were


    over at Shoulders’ drinking, so I just said we were visiting


    the neighbors. Standing in their yard, which wasn’t true. He is


    jealous of Shoulders and I don’t blame him – such lush male


    beauty makes women helpless. A is a complete mess over him.


    He frequently wanders around the house in nothing but his


    boxers – we call them as his “huppa”.


          R. finally got an apt and can stop “crashing” with


    friends – one bedroom at the top of a Rockville skyscraper.


    Sounds crazy expensive to me.  Wrote a good poem –


    capitol ghosts – today from the book R gave me.


    Trying to think where to send it. Tomorrow’s my day off –


    R coming over at 2.


    CAPITOL GHOSTS

    Pale Guiteau
    slants his disappointed child’s face
    downwards; the better to study bloodstains left
    by assassins more accomplished than himself
    who required benefit of anonymous surgeons 
    specially qualified for skewering
    the muscles of the mighty.

    The guard who saw him
    claimed also to hear demon cats
    and could not be relied upon.
    these portents once were matters of
    congressional dispute; now
    no matter; caught within the marbled lurch
    of history, victims

    of the uninspired mad; 
    those who pursue the corpse from whom
    the ghost escaped. He haunts our history
    like the villainous barber who sings as he slits
    both throats and wombs, a pure tune
    some say, picked clean of tragedy
    which only the dying hear.

    Shalimar 7 Aug 76


    Sitting here in a stupor of exhaustion. We had an


    Al Green fan in here tonight – kept playing same song over


    and over. Presumably working through some kind of a


    relationship crisis. They don’t realize coming here and blowing


    their money kills any relationship – and I am not going to tell


    them. Anyway I hate Al Green.  Missed my bus this AM so


    took the Fessenden bus and walked across. A better way to go –


    I like the walk – to hell with this transfer business.


    I have to admit R doesn’t seem to understand


    poetry. He’s very suspicious of all ease, elegance, lightness.


    Too much Nature! “Work” should make you grit your teeth,


    groan and bulge your forehead veins. The easier it comes,


    the less valuable it MUST be. (He would hate Picasso’s very


    best stuff!) I’ve tried getting him to understand by comparing


    art to athletics – it only looks easy – it’s the training beforehand


    that’s so hard. The trick is to render training invisible. But he


    seems to think modern poetry is a plot to make him look stupid.


    Really worried about money lately – everything at


    Unibank is bouncing.  It doesn’t take much to set off a chain


    reaction.  Guess I’ll have to borrow from A after all.


          How true it is that before you can love you must


    love yourself. My love for myself is wavering.  Just finished


    Sean Stiles’ Occam’s Razor. I hate to see a good idea wasted.


    Mostly I am depressed by the poor quality of the stories in


    the Times Detective Story competition anthology.  This is


    something I should aspire to?  I’m on a wonderful streak


    of poetry – keep piling them up – got ophelia and


    haunted house this eve.

    OPHELIA WAS A MAN
    The best revenge is growing up.
    Behold a street of suicides –
    Fringed lampshades &
    Mullioned windows where
    The dentist’s son grew dope
    From seed (they had eight bathrooms and
    The dentist couldn’t be everywhere)
    His wife was nowhere; we saw her leave
    With the cat in a suitcase clawing to get out.
    “Crazier than thou” averred my aunt.
    That boy blew the fruits of orthodontal science until
    The day he blew his mind –
    We traced the hissing-pissing-noise
    To the garage of the stockbroker’s son; he’s
    The one who stayed home from Yale to rewrite Hamlet
    (Made it better – put in people you could recognize)
    Type-cast himself – since he saw ghosts.
    Two fine boys married to each other
    Rosy-cheeked and sightless
    In their parents’ wedding clothes.

          Tomorrow R is taking me on a tour of the television


    station and out to lunch. This is a biggie – see where he works. 


    So I had to buy a gorgeous black linen jumpsuit (size 5!) Should


    be worn with high red heels – but needless to say, can’t around


    R. So instead, flat sandals. Fortunately everything is on sale.  


    A and I have decided to ask Maeve to move in with us – we can’t


    seem to manage alone and we do have three bedrooms, but


    she’ll have to hide from the landlord. I hate to do it.  Letter from


    D today – he’s in love with the 18 yr old virgin daughter of his minister.


    Didn’t do a thing to me. God bless ‘em.


          Rick the gambler in tonight. He’s a friend of R’s – cheered


    me up by telling me I’ve done so much for R who was really “hurting”


    over his divorce.


    Ryder – I love you – but I don’t really know who you are. 


    Hope you are who you pretend to be.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        Fri 23 July 76 - Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland 
        R and I have seen each other every day since Fri – 
    

    I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back.
    I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work
    and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex –
    first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect
    to be all right.
    Adore these slow working mornings. I get up
    with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now
    working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving
    at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar
    such a pleasure – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced
    on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready, feeling
    like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec.
    Yesterday we met our across the street neighbors –
    one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree
    in Hospital Administration. Among ourselves we call him
    “Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see
    them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be
    in heaven. Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to
    dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.

    Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 PM
    God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body –
    love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face. 
    Those blond Italians! He wouldn’t like to hear me say it –
    he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but
    he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon –
    he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t
    care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman  pleasure. 
    We fit together exactly – interlocking puzzle pieces even
    upside down. I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees
    with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a
    hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm
    was so great I wept.  I fell asleep with him inside me.  Wrote
    a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him. If I
    learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent.
    He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want
    to buy a bookcase.
    Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could
    he possibly love me as much as I love him?  Yesterday walking
    in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one
    serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to
    limit the experience. Which of course was exactly the right answer.
    The worst part is his trouble with my job.
    He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because
    he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers
    World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine,
    all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he
    can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as
    I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour,
    before my set.

    11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76
    Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken
    up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more.
    Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays,  Carmen
    checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect.
    We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his
    right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long
    purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the
    supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license
    in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going
    to see to it. I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much
    as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.

    9:45 AM Wed July 28 76
            Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of 
    

    my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.) R came yesterday at 2 –
    left at 3 – came back at 5. Another watershed in our relationship – Fears.
    He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign
    language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made
    him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no
    later than Weds.
    Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of
    the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected
    the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish
    amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house
    (though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight)
    I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall.
    Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied
    till I just can’t boogie no more.


    Club Shalimar– 30 July 76
    Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two
    roly-poly people who are nothing like him – one sister who is
    a lot younger.
    We had glorious talks on our way there and back –
    about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone);
    our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that
    again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around)
    first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned!
    Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he
    can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise.
    I guess I could say the same about him. 
    Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and
    came.  He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and
    his wife had to have a “meeting”. I was jealous until he told me
    that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t
    understand it when they married, assuming it was something you
    get over. I suggested she was probably molested as a child –
    he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually
    just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective
    concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in
    my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely
    mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount
    it when choosing a life partner. So they end up married to the
    “perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred.
    2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then
    I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his
    car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time
    to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door.
    We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake
    eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem:
    Love, the Magician.

    The Magician is a Capricorn
    Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples
    Pale like mine but
    Maler.
    Illusion, he says is memory
    Of things that should have been.
    Doves and rabbits he entices
    From sacred groves between my legs
    Placed by ruse, and freed by art.
    When he dies, passion turns his eyes
    To quarters.
    He hears the world but faintly
    Through his one good ear.
    The other turns to me,
    Safecracker’s daughter.
    Trust the magician, voices tell me
    He knows when to drop the dice.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
        We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room 
    

    but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my
    time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from
    his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been
    together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on
    the go, but very entertaining He usually brings me gifts –
    flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a
    diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses.
    Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date.
    Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity…
    and love. It’s a problem!
    The oilman came to the house today says he’s
    shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay
    COD! Fortunately I had just got off work and I had the cash
    on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need
    much oil till winter. Let’s hope.
    Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he
    gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she
    expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do
    that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said,
    I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till
    it hurt and he begged for mercy. Poor Avril had a long hard
    day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at
    Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s
    and it’s a deal.

        10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
        Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St 
    

    bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting
    starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman
    – if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave.
    9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room
    eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The
    Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona,
    Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time
    films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos.
    Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some-
    time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I
    didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat
    from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…”
    have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then
    suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.

        Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar 
        7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up 
    

    here so I was already exhausted. I hate packing. Getting to
    be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His
    expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I
    thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay
    here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize”
    me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after
    talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits
    with his wife!
    He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more
    money – that’s how they get ahead in his business –
    jump from station to station. I told him he should take it –
    turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped
    I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world.
    I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says,
    why are you doing this? I said, to meet you.
    Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and
    funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility.
    4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from
    Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I
    haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week.
    Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall. Today
    marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.

        Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar
        A & I hung living room paintings today, and last piece 
    

    was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his
    name mean anything to me in twenty years?  Brought blow dryer,
    change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back
    into shape after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy
    (bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender).
    A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm
    and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with
    dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing
    them move about with candles. What does the future hold?
    I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there.
    Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of charm.

        17 July 76
        Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have 
    

    to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper
    named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried
    a whip onstage – everything but a donkey, as one of the other
    dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on
    how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn.
    But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He
    ordered in Italian.  The weirdest thing about him is that he
    doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank
    for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles –
    he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it.
    We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful –
    A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of
    wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry
    I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right.
    He liked valentine the best – 


    Valentine
    I sent myself in a letter
    Heart-creased
    Like a glove
    Too much folded
    An anecdote
    Too much told
    Dear stranger don’t
    Lose me
    I forgot the rule
    (Hold back a copy)
     
    Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously
    passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the
    first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place
    but I hope it’s inevitable.”
    I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have
    to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the
    top of my dress either.  He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to
    really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment
    after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing
    tomorrow, then on a four day cruise sometime in August.

  • Correction!

    Diary of a Dancer

        Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
        Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating 
    

    our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first
    then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach.
    Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on
    the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one
    building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I
    need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my
    novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again
    so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless
    dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going
    to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make
    herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off
    than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I
    wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy
    jewelry for someone! I could sell it rather than the contents of
    this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything and
    wears funny old man lace-up shoes. Plus he’s covered in a
    thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts,
    hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside.
    Isn’t life rotten?

        10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
        Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed 
    

    bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No
    more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and
    each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.
    She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s
    dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE
    SCHOOL in Minnesota!)
    DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow.
    Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have
    to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt
    lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else
    to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad
    says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too
    “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and
    pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had
    two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading
    Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what
    a painful ugly duckling story!

        Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
        Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews 
    

    AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the
    money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to
    dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and
    that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up
    close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after
    rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at
    Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.

        11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
        No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man 
    

    Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of
    attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at
    the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering
    at the young desk when this young man with dark curly
    hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and
    what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus
    military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband
    around his head and was all set for running but his plans
    changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead.
    His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to
    the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time –
    playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.
    I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he
    represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage
    of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful.
    We shall see.
    Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island
    and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank.
    Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right.
    Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.
    I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings
    to help me with my ghost stories.

        2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
        Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided 
    

    to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death,
    Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well
    at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.

        Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
        Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered 
    

    me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money
    dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a
    car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think
    I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what
    the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed
    to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.
    Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle –
    2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without
    my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in
    Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they
    are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.

        Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
        Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have 
    

    dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up,
    but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon –
    boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for
    Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tournament and not
    “available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.
    Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.
    He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously
    very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate
    for a week. I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril
    makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”
    But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
    Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.
    She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else.
    Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in
    the family begging us to intervene.

        2 PM – 9 June 76
        Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.  
    

    Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.
    Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They
    brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I
    took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi
    driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t
    charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him
    a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers
    like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.
    Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.
    Tempted to risk it.


    11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda
    Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an
    interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed
    me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through
    in their whites. They are very polite.

        Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
        Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the 
    

    other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.
    It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.
    I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just
    completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing
    in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks
    crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m
    pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the
    weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”
    She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
    On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really
    good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like –
    which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You
    can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my
    ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
    Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel!
    Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized
    so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.

    Avril friend a complete bozo but

    places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and
    lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver.
    DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her
    money too small, gas costs, etc.
    A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase
    on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty
    about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can
    have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina
    Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t
    read fiction any more.

        Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
        Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: 
    

    “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot
    of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously
    – and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need
    mysticism. The owner seems to be something of a gangster.
    I got 2 standing ovations today.
    The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting
    into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with
    the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the
    headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as
    I learn the ins and outs.
    Avril loves her new job – thank God – they
    want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin)
    and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.
    She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window
    and tell me what you see.”
    Met the most charming little man – a TV director
    at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician
    and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre.
    His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts
    my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading
    Meyer’s Ibsen.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

    Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot? No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
    Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School.

    Fri. 16 April 1976 - 2 PM – 	Train to Philly – a zombified redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses. Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces.  Got to get my emotional house in order but I can’t think how.  I used to have a roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot?  No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic sex. Still, all is grist for the art mill. My novel’s gothic hero is hopeless (he’s 63.)
    		Reading the Fortunate Miss East, a charming, charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled to read my poetry at Baldwin School. 
    	
    		Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
    		Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies.  The grapenuts went first then the soup.  Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach. Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park.  You don’t see one building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world.  I need a job by next Mon.  Something tells me I can’t finish my novel and sell it in time.  I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again so what is there?  Nude modeling sounds dangerous.  Topless dancing? Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going to class as she told Mom!  Uh oh.  She says she just can’t “make herself” do things.  What a relief to have someone worse off than me. Went to see All the Presidents Men with A. How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer.  He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone!  I could sell it rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment.  But he’s too sane if anything and wears funny old man lace-up shoes.  Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts, hedges, futures. SO PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside. Isn’t life rotten?
    
    		10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
    		Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No more than 2 gigs a day (you have to drive there) and each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.  She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s dancer!  (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE SCHOOL  in Minnesota!) 
    		DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow. Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th.  Have to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else to live (Mom refuses to live here because n16th floor.) Dad says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too “masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had two dates with Paul and they haven’t had sex yet.) Reading Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what a painful ugly duckling story!  
    	
    		Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
    		Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to dance to.  Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and that’s no fun. Of course I did see Spencer Davis’ dark side up close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
    	
    		11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
    		No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering at the young desk when this young man with dark curly hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband around his head and was all set for running but his plans changed in a flash.  He would rather watch me dance instead. His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time – playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.  I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he represent a break from lonely masturbation?  At this stage of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful. We shall see.
    		Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island and back for Memorial Day weekend.  I have $266 in the bank.  Should I take him up on it?  Just doesn’t feel right. Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.  I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings to help me with my ghost stories.
    
    		2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
    		Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death, Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well at the Folger Shakespeare Library.  So glorious having money. 	
    			
    		Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
    		Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a car is getting old – the Gremlin “el Diablo” is acting up. Think I will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what the scoop is.  It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience.  There is a stage.
    		Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle – 2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs.  Can’t live without my dogs forever. Jeannie and I perform at a private party in Annandale.  I am nervous but she is completely cool and they are content to look.  Avril has a new man – Jack.
    		
    		Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
    		Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up, but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.)   Phoned Devon – boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for Mem Day Weekend.  He is playing in a tournament and not “available”.  Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.  Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.   He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed –  he was actually panting!  Now he’ll have to meditate for a week.  I have to let this man go. When I wail about him, Avril makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”  But I have to say he didn’t seem gay to me.
    	 	Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.   She has filed for divorce and  fallen in love with someone else. Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in the family begging us to intervene.
    		
    		2 PM – 9 June 76
    		Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.  Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.  Avril & roommate took against each other immediately.  They brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t charge me.  Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.  Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.  Tempted to risk it.
    		11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home.  She is an interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed me her portfolio.  Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through in their whites. They are very polite.
    	
    		Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
    		Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.  It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.  I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just completely helpless  in their hands.  Plus I got another piercing in each ear and the left one seems infected.  Now my face looks crooked.  Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m pregnant.  Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”  She would call and cancel if he had a phone.
    		On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like – which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my ego won’t allow too much relaxation.
    		Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic!  Reading The Royal Victorians.  Gremlin seems stabilized so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
    
    		Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
    		A’s friend a complete bozo.  Fortunately he has other places to be so we hardly see him.  Huge sigh of relief and lesson learned.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver. DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her money too small, gas costs, etc.
    		A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK.   Big yard. I can have my dogs! Moving in July 5.  Struggling with Christina Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl.  She is overrated. Maybe I can’t read fiction any more.
    
    	
    		Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
    		Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: “Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on.  A lot of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously – and unfortunately I need more than perfection.  I need mysticism.  The owner seems to be something of a gangster.  I got 2 standing ovations today. 	
    		The job is actually enjoyable.  I am really getting into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with the audience.  They stare spellbound like deer in the headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as I learn the ins and outs.
    		Avril loves her new job – thank God – they want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin) and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.  She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window and tell me what you see.”
    		Met the most charming little man – a TV director at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre. His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading Meyer’s Ibsen. 
    
    
  • Escaping

    Leaving the Coven

    A craven of cronies stood


    Between us & God


    God hated short skirts, God


    Demands clones.

    A damnation of judges


    Stood between us &


    Knowledge; truth exists


    Only in service to others.

    A clowder of cretins


    Stood between us &


    Art: “Don’t be disturbing”


    “Never trust instincts.”

    From the depths of


    This oubliette


    You drank the koolaid


    Guaranteeing your survival

    Cherishing passion


    Rescuing me –


    So I could grow up


    And write this poem.

  • On Reading the Alumni Directory

    ON READING THE ALUMNI DIRECTORY

    Surprised


    How few of us have made it.


    The years are quiet


    The years are far between.


    Through interstices fall


    Class clowns


    The sluts, the giant


    Nobodies


    The possessed; hunted


    Now as they were then;


    “address unknown”


    “Still lives with Mom”


    “Religious cult”


    “Deadbeat”


    “Moved…nowhere.”


    My bloodmate’s unmarried


    would we get still along?


    I translate terpsichore to English, so


    Journalism incompatible.


    He lives so far away;


    Law’s a bitch and


    They got my address wrong.

  • The Treehouse

    Eager I was to initial your flesh


    Mark it mine forever


    (a fairly short forever as I recall.)


    You called up my drainpipe


    Your hot unvaried song


    “Who will know?”


    We were the ones who did not know.


    The treehouse was our yearbook –


     Memory’s coffin; there


     You swallowed me whole


    Like a circus act,


    A disappearing act 


    None saw


    While insects feasted on our


    Unwatched blood


    Bursting to the rhythm


    Of our bursting.


    If I mistake your face these days


    In a flower-field of faces


    Shifting to moon pressure


    Swaying to wind pressure


    Listing according to laws unknown


    Count me not


    Along your abacus of traitors;


    I am She;


    The blood still flows, still glows


    In the treehouse.

  • How I Found My Soulmate

    The Treehouse, or HOW I MET MY SOULMATE

    By sophomore year, I had been at PLUMLY for one year and thought I knew my way around. My pack of girl buddies crashed the orientation meeting to check out the new blood of incoming males. One guy had long blond hair that hung like a sheet over his handsome face. Nice body to match. I thought he looked like Rupert Brooke, cut out his picture and pasted it in my diary. Walking behind him, I became hypnotized by rhythmic flashes of bare skin and platinum hair through the holes in his jeans. He wore oil of cloves on his shirt collars and I have been hypnotized by it ever since.

    But when we talked, we clashed. He was bossy and I was accustomed to being the bossy one. It took three full years for him to soften up enough to date me. He worked his way through the most intelligent girls in our class, but I had a different reputation than simple intelligence. I was considered dangerously sexy; “a handful” and with a tendency to bring in outside men. We appeared in Hamlet as husband and wife; he was The Ghost and I was Gertrude. After his death he came back as an underling to help carry my sizable dead body offstage. As he did so, he commented favorably on my thigh muscles. He offered to buy me a peach ice cream cone and while we strolled the Granolithic, he invited me to Class Day Dinner, a long and depressing awards ceremony (I won the Class of 1914 Reading Prize for reading the most books in the library) and where we were treated to good food and coffee. (Only seniors were allowed coffee.)

    For such a bossy person, he was surprisingly interesting to talk to. All our important conversations were painfully truncated by frustrating interruptions for stupid things like studying and exams. One night I heard him calling softly beneath my window – he had a sleeping bag and we snuggled up in the dark woods. He had terrific self-control so kissing, touching and being touched by him were the highlights of my teenage years. We became particularly fond of a certain field of barley and on one occasion he had to give me his shirt to wear to my music exam because mine was so embarrassingly grass-stained. He loved the barley field; I preferred a treehouse lost in the woods.

    Somehow we passed our exams and graduated. Then came the enormous pleasure of each other’s company at Senior Parties – endless pool and dance bashes at a series of big local houses that went all night and all weekend. I felt like I was wandering through novels by Fitzgerald, stories by Cheever, poems by Plath. He appreciated all my literary references, unlike all previous boyfriends who were bored and irritated by my “unreal” world. Also, he liked to dance which was considered déclassé by most of the Plumly intellectuals. We wound up at his house, a gated, half-timbered Main Line basilica with pool and guest house where a railroad baron used up his extra railroad ties to reinforce a kitchen wall. His parents were having far too bad a marriage to supervise us and we spent the night together in such a narrow bed we had to sleep on top of each other, which was fine. Toss declared love, surprising me; another déclassé “de-powering” move according to all my previous boyfriends. His mother was actively hostile and his father looked like a “Missing” poster. Toss showed me his dark room where he produced gorgeous arty black and white photos. He sold me on the magic of cameras but I could not reproduce his stripped-down visions since my art was all about development, pentimento and adding on. Toss’s folks signed him up for driving and speedreading classes, to keep him busy, while I was supposed to be preparing at Pendle Hill for my graduation trip to Europe. To make things harder, we were not on the same train line but had to travel into the city and back out on the Paoli local or to Chestnut Hill; even using different train terminals. Mine was at Reading Market with all the cheese, ice cream and sandwich pleasures imaginable. Toss took me to dinner at The Peale Club which was supposed to be a Big Deal although it seemed to me the staff despised the dues-paying members. I preferred the Market.

    One night we were swimming in his pool and his father came home unexpectedly. I hid under the sofa and listened to them discuss me until Toss felt safe enough to introduce me. Far from angry, his father was visibly envious as he drove me home. Then I was off for Europe, but mentally I was in the pool house with Toss. He sent me a photo taken by a friend of himself, shirtless, eating cherries directly from a fallen tree. I thought it was the most erotic thing I had ever seen and took the next plane home.

    Toss and his family drove me to their farm in the Berkshires, a family-owned, four house, six hundred acre spread. He taught me target shooting in the barn while I tried to argue him into losing our virginities. He didn’t feel right about it in a location stalked by venomous mothers, raging aunts and disapproving grandmas. Toss’s father set up an easel on the dam and painted a portrait of the pond while we swam and lazed on giant inner tubes.

    On the way home the Mercedes experienced a vapor lock just as Toss’s mother was bragging about what wonderful cars they were and we were all trapped together while the engine cooled down. Toss had been accepted at Williams but he told me it wasn’t far enough away, he planned to attend Reed College in Oregon. I planned a short story in which a college-bound boy murders his parents to get free of them.

    My parents were in Europe and our big house was empty; a perfect locale for the night of passion I envisioned. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t stop bleeding, and because Toss couldn’t yet drive, he had to get the college girl from across the street to take me to the hospital, where I required stitches. Trying to get permission for surgery I called my aunt, a noted blabbermouth. (She told me afterwards that I had almost certainly “turned” Toss gay.) Worst of all my parents arrived home to a bloody bathtub and a pair of Toss’s underpants with his phone number helpfully labeled inside. Toss told them I was at Lankenau Hospital, where I was shaved and given a rubber pillow to sit on. My father was very understanding, my mother less so. This situation forced me and Toss to take things much more slowly to our enormous mutual pleasure.

    Toss’s mother sent him to an uncle in Ohio to get him away from me. She was afraid his political future would be imperiled if he listened to my father and became a conscientious objector. Toss’s father disappeared to California where he had discovered a warm, supportive girlfriend.

    My uncle offered me a plane ticket to visit him in California; I jumped at the chance. Because isn’t California practically Oregon? I surprised Toss at Reed with my red coat and matching red luggage. He hastily evicted his high school-age girlfriend and welcomed me with open arms but it was not the same. I really disliked Reed where everyone seemed to be into drugs. We attended a psilocybin wedding in the chapel which I considered the far side of stupid.

    We both flew down to visit my uncle in Hollywood; he took us up in his plane and showed us the sights. Toss fled, and I was stuck alone with this guy who was handsy and weird. I spent my nineteenth birthday at Caesar’s Hotel in Tijuana eating oysters Rockefeller. Luckily I was able to keep my uncle out of my bed. I came home, considerably crestfallen, and enrolled at the Philadelphia Academy of Dance for lack of any better plan.

    When Toss returned home in May I drove our huge wood-paneled station wagon over to Merion to give him a birthday surprise. Making out with him I managed to lose my contacts and had to spend the night; one more ecstatic night; rewarded in the morning with a Dear Jane letter in which he said he was off to Maine to spread his wild oats. I didn’t hear from him again until I was engaged to Bruce. He sent me a long, irritating letter about graduating from Reed with a thesis on H. L. Mencken (of course! A woman hater!) and I was able to smugly respond that I was totally over him and on to someone new who REALLY appreciated me.

    Dead silence for eight years until the Plumly alumni directory came out and I rushed to look Toss up. UNMARRIED! I thought so! I wrote a poem in exultation. In the spring of 1979 I got a letter. He also had looked me up and knew I was divorced. He was enrolled at Chase College of Law and would be spending the summer interning with Ralph Nader in Washington D.C. a mere ten miles from the house I’d just bought in West Hyattsville. He asked for my number; what was I doing? Did I want to see him? Could he call me?

    I said Yes and Sure although I was nervous about telling him I was a dancer because that conversation hadn’t gone well with any of his competition. Luckily, I could arrange my schedule around him, if I chose. I invited him to dinner at the glamorous new 5 bedroom, 3 bath house I had just bought. He brought a friend to meet the sister who shared my quarters. As the time approached I got more and more nervous until I was lying on the floor begging my sister: “WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?” And Avril said, “He looks exactly the same.” I jumped up and served everyone goblets of bourbon. He was still beautiful, but to me he did look different. Thinner, sadder, but still fascinating. We cooked swordfish on the outdoor gas grill as I showed off my house. He told me he had also bought a 5 bedroom house in Covington, Kentucky (he called it the Hermes Hilton.)

    We reminisced about Plumly, but when I reminded him about the treehouse he insisted it must have been someone else. I read him my poem about it; he STILL didn’t remember! Angrily I hauled the trunk of diaries out from beneath my four-poster bed and showed him the relevant passage. He was awestruck by my mastery of memory. At that moment I realized, “This might work” and we tumbled into bed together. Since then there hasn’t been anyone else for either of us. Ten days later he confessed he had never loved anyone but me and asked me to marry him. We got so excited we called up the blabbermouth aunt. (She asked, “Are you SURE he’s not gay?” Her husband WAS.) We decided to have two children, a boy and a girl, and to name them Shasta and Shane. He ordered a case of Moet Chandon and we took off up the coast to tell our parents.

    But first we had to stop at Plumly, to find the treehouse. It wasn’t there. We were wandering around the woods when a man stopped us and asked what we were looking for. We explained we were two Plumlies who’d just gotten engaged and hadn’t there been a treehouse? Yes, but it had fallen down long since. He showed us the tragic rubble, then invited us into his beautiful new home where he offered us sherry by the fire and introduced himself as the new headmaster. From the way he looked at us I could tell he knew we were soulmates. And we knew it too.