When searching for your soulmate this is no time to “blend with the crowd.” You need to discover exactly who you are so you can seek your complementary and missing elements. If you are uncertain or mistaken about your essential self, you won’t even recognize The One. You will be guaranteed to choose a partner based on false considerations of status or appearance. This requires you stop hiding your true self and allow it to emerge. Easier said than done! Turns out we all have been babying the shyly unique aspects of ourselves that don’t win instant recognition from the crowd. Well, we are going to have to experiment with taking Baby out for daily strolls and develop a bit of muscle. Don’t worry if the “likes” fall away – you are not trying to appeal to everyone. The creativity card means you will need to become imaginative in how you present yourself. You want someone accepting? Be accepting. You want someone brave? Be brave. You want someone who looks deeper? Look deeper.
Fire In the Dust
In photographs The ladies scream or laugh It’s hard to tell Heads back they bare their Grief or joy or Agonized relief It’s hard to tell. All that remains of them Tattered icons growing ever dim.
The fountains of our fear Leap high at first, like dancers Frozen at first burst Of freedom Paralyzed abreast The arc We cannot see What tortuous sign these fossils Meant to be.
In that first winter We thought the earth was dead Statues mated Trees erupted dragonflies The angry lonely Sang and cried. Somewhere some fetus twists and jerks Convergence of dynastic quirks
So drop the toxic cloak of bitter spite that Melts the flesh and terrorizes night – Waiting out a cycle’s sum Spinning down to kingdom come. For nothing vain, came nothing plain This world was born To live again.
As soon as we begin refining our list in search of The One, we are filled with doubt. Fear of Missing Out dictates that even as we are talking to a Possible Soulmate our eyes search out the door to see what new person is coming in. There is a glorious book, essential to artists, called The War of Art (Steven Pressfield) which is actually about self-sabotage. In the very moments when we are trying to build something critically important to our emotional, psychic and spiritual health, a demonic voice comes out of Who Knows Where, whispering, “It’s the wrong thing and you’re doing it wrong.” According to Steven Pressfield, if you listen to this voice you will never accomplish anything, because Honest, Committed Effort is required to get your project off the ground, even if it ultimately fails. And if it ultimately fails, it will turn out to be the very project that helps you see what is Really Important, and understand What to Do Next. Choose wisely; searching for a relationship that is restorative, not exploitative, a partner who is complementary and complimentary, and push doubt aside.
Cloverleaf
Some roads lead nowhere; They’re my favorites. I held my breath while You drew my face in Blinding strokes Creamed my mouth with curling lines Destroyed one picture; then another Never let me see. You Left at dawn while I Ran in circles, calling Raging, spending blackened Nights without you, No blue thigh to guard My trusting heart while yours looks out To gauge the coming storm. Trapped in cloverleaves, Sentenced to school by Streams of angry judges – Balked by The enervating past Of unlived lives Every face I paint is yours. Open up the chilly ruffles Of my breasts One more time – To beauty; yours and mine Electrify your Eldritch spine – Your body so much lighter Than the mountain that you loved Better than you loved me – The course you learned Better than you learned me – so Overconfident that you’ll come back I float across the powdered snow In bird-winged silence All-enveloping Unless I’m Lost?
MELT into the space your desire creates: “You Got This”
You’ve realize the immensity of your need and the enormity of the challenge. You’ve looked into your capacities and they just don’t seem to match your expectations. Now you’re scared and feeling hopeless. I’m here to remind you to “relax.” Melt into the space your desire has created. Untense those muscles because fear and hysteria, rage and feelings of worthlessness all work against us.
Realize somewhere out there your Soulmate is feeling all these things also. This is a process you need to go through, in order to recognize the vastness of the challenge ahead. This is your time in the desert, where you will be tested. This guarantees that when your and your Beloved melt together your success will be all the sweeter. Of necessity to valuing the Other is the realization that, although there may be plenty of fish in the sea, you need a very particular fish.
HAUNTED WEDDING The pregnant car disgorges Only us. It’s winter. Drunk as silver fish We beat our gills as light As hummingbirds. In an amethyst ring Of drypoint trees The half-built house Gapes and swells Its timbers stink of sap. Windrill fields occlude Our crossing, so you carry me High above the thorny osiers. We sleep aloft for safety Locked and levitating In this space of air One season only, Unseen by angry outriders; Bloodless in our wedding robes Like the doubled membranes Of the frozen flowers.
We are filled with the excitement and power of acquisition and multiplicity. We will finally have a helper, an interpreter, an enabler, a sharer. A Second Self with its rich promise of Difference – different memories, body type, fantasies, wishes, dreams – we can indulge ourselves in. We can’t wait to get going and find this person who promises us wings and immortality! The potential sexual ecstasy alone is keeping us up nights. Imagine thoroughly exploring another and being thoroughly explored yourself – with a lifetime to do it in. We can’t yet speak the language of butterflies, but we can imagine it. We are giving ourselves wings. With such commitment, every moment becomes a lifetime. We think we may have discovered the secret of eternal youth, to see and be seen through the eyes of love.
Angel Clothes
You are like a ripe peach Swollen in the summer of your life And as the peach surrounds its stone Your skeleton enwombs your soul But thinly. I often see it shining Through the hollows in your cheeks. I need your body Need to know its shadows Sound its pleasures But as the stone Though small at first Must grow; feeds off the dying peach So your spirit will transhume your flesh Disgorge it in A thousand peaches a thousand summers a Thousand eternities more beautiful than You or I
Parents can watch this need for The Reciprocal Other awaken. At about the age of two the infant, who has belonged to the parents and who has felt like part of them, begins to show a lot of interest in the outside world. But when she sees a pint-sized someone exactly like herself, a certain sparkle comes into her eyes. She wants to clutch, bond with, play with that person. Hang on, because now the thrill-ride is beginning, the search Plato described as our search for our Missing Half. Mating behavior is an even more powerful driver in biology than feeding needs. Mating drives species to extravagant displays of seemingly dangerous behaviors, obsessive building, fighting and positioning. Species who mate for life put themselves through complex effort to secure The One. So this is biology, folks. You are in the grips of an instinctual drive it is pointless to resist. Hang on, and let’s make sure your brain becomes engaged.
Sex cadets
I shall orchestrate your life I say Make your blood sing woodwind Stretch my nerve harp-tight Across your exo-shell While you, heart racer Put me through my paces Pushing your muscle through The gates of my life Pushing past theories of the pluperfect poetical pushing like a downhill artist the speed racer you claim to be Speed devil Speed demon Speed dreamer.
Assess your potential to connect. We wake alone, but we are on the path of Attachment. Ask yourself; do you seek balanced, indestructible attachment, synchronous, not disharmonic relationship; a connection that is symbiotic, not exploitative. If the answer is Yes, you are on the path of Paradise.
How can we achieve these goals? First, we must understand and accept our Self, our Ego, with all its quirks and flaws, needs and yearnings, limits and possibilities. Then we must understand the Other; the Lover. We must attune ourselves to the structure of their yearning to begin to construct our duet, our dance. After that we must negotiate the rapids of relationship with each other and with the outside world. Danger! Excitement! Ecstasy! Despair…Compassion. Union.
We are caterpillars, you and I, attempting to learn the language of butterflies. We are unprepossessing creatures, daily absorbed in infantile needs of eating and excreting, but we have a firm promise of a future in which we stretch our gorgeous wings.
Can a Goddess Find Her Soulmate – It’s a challenge! You are used to being large and in charge, decisive and capable of sweepingly instantaneous change. You require another soaring spirit to match your skills.
Have you been dreaming of the “other”? In the multiverse, everything we do creates its opposite. Do you look in the mirror and see another face? Do you dream of a lost twin? Do you imagine you can feel that “other” across a crowded room, and think when you touch their hand, you will feel a strange galvanic charge? Are you a cynic about soulmates? Disenchanted with sex? Do you have sex dreams that are more like night terrors? Does sex make you feel increasingly hardened and untouchable?
Soulmates Are Real and You Have One – Soulmates need to “create” each other. It’s never too late. You are never so “lost” you can’t find your soulmate. The problem is, your soulmate feels just the way you do and both of you are threatened by those feelings, isolating you further in an invisible, impenetrable membrane you’ve mistaken as Goddess-hood. But Goddess Power never diminishes, it evolves. Recognition and acceptance of our own neediness takes a lot of bravery, a lot of humility, much insight and a little magic.
Desire Can Be Slaked – Temporarily. Goddesses stay alert. We don’t pursue numbness – or even satiety. It’s good to get acquainted with hunger. Pro tip – hunger keeps you young. Hunger is a condition of youth.
When Goddesses Bond There is No Going Back. – The potential magic of sexual connection ignites the search for a SoulMate. Goddesses believe that once found, a Soul Pair becomes capable of Time Travel, TransSubstantiation, and Immortality. Genders merge; either one can be feminine, masculine or androgyne at will. One wing searches for another to form a bird and fly. The question we must ask ourselves is: are we willing to undergo the pain of having the boundaries of our borders breached to fully merge with another?
Goddesses Lift Each Other’s Souls – The power of a doubled pair is raised to the nth power by their knowledge, commitment and shared purpose.
Goddesses Release Each Other – There are so many permissions, forgivenesses, and skills we cannot give ourselves. Love literally gives you eyes in the back of your head. There is no hiding from your soulmate.
Doubled Goddesses Power the Universe – The constant clash of mating, sharing, satisfying and negotiating is the music of the spheres. It keeps us all spinning in an ecstasy of selfless selfhood.
Goddess Challenge – There are plenty of frogs out there and some vipers, and you will kiss each. Possibly more than once. It’s also possible that we have “rewired” our system – through porn, games, and casual sex – so that it actually prevents us from recognizing a soulmate and forging a life bond. This is why starting as friends is so critical. It gets your defenses down to the point where you can talk about fears, desires and problematic reactions. Go slowly, welcome mistakes and be prepared to learn. Because of our enhanced powers, goddesses have more to learn than most people.
Goddess Danger – Sometimes – let’s face it – most times, you and your soulmate are “sick.” You have “caught” infection from a society that says “fuck you” to eternal, mystical, mutual sexual union. That makes things hard. You don’t recover overnight. You must commit to good mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual hygiene and you will both have to figure out what it is. You need to make a plan – yes, a map – out of each other’s minds and bodies. If the other person refuses to accept health you will have to detach for your own sanity and safety. Vampires make other vampires, and bliss will elude them. The most important part of soulmating is the mutual pledge for health and growth – for both of you.
Goddess Opportunity – My book, I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead – is about the supernatural powers of soulmates. It’s about what to do when you dislike and distrust your soulmate at first. It’s about what to do when you and your soulmate both have horrific pasts and are pursued by actual demons. I can’t say it clearer than that. Don’t be frightened. Your bond is eternal, across time, geography and multiverses. Take it slow. You have all the time in the multiverse.
Bereavement Is Never the End – As life itself is not the end, bereavement cannot be. The glory of bliss still awaits, and detached Soulmates have been known to find each other and form new spiritual and physical connections.
Models & Mentors – “A soulmate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life and then introduce you to your spiritual master” – Elizabeth Gilbert
“A soulmate is the one person whose love is powerful enough to motivate you to meet your soul to do the emotional work of self-discovery and awakening”
– Kenny Loggins
“They fought all the time and challenged each other every day. They were crazy about each other” – Nicholas Sparks
“I know what love is, because of you.” – Herman Hesse
This can’t be real, Jazz. It isn’t real. It’s some planet we’re not on.
JAZZ
But it makes perfect sense. It answers all the questions. You know in your heart that was his plan all along.
CHASE
It can’t be real because my Mom is dead. Years ago. She killed herself the first Christmas I didn’t come home.
JAZZ
(Keeps trying to go back)
But I saw her. I We were there. How can it not be true?
(He tries to hug her – she resists)
Don’t touch me! I don’t feel like touching ever again.
(CHASEsits on the edge of the stage)
CHASE
Corso loves games – he’s always up for the latest thing. He can even claim he told us! We fell for it like puppies jumping for a biscuit.
JAZZ
So that part’s real? Our sex archetypes all over the cloud?
CHASE
Sexsomnia is real. He was way ahead of me.
(beat)
I should have guessed. It’s always the worst thing he can think of. Welcome to my nightmare.
JAZZ
I don’t want details.
CHASE
But we need to see – Everyone needs to see – just how the magician operates.
JAZZ
You’re right – magic is the important thing. There was magic all along, in spite of Corso.
CHASE
All he cares about it is cash and control. He honed the perfect weapon to take life hostage.
JAZZ
How ironic that the moment we stop believing, magic appears!
CHASE
Only toddlers believe. And toddlers are ill-equipped for these frolics. Where’s the magic in that?
JAZZ
Seeing your Mom was magic.
CHASE
Dark magic, you’ll agree. What were they thinking? Russian-Irish could never work!
JAZZ
My combination’s Portuguese-Swedish. Your Mom said she forgave you.
CHASE
She didn’t!
JAZZ
She did. I heard her. What was it like to see her again?
CHASE
Amazing and frustrating – the way it always was.
JAZZ
Admit we got the most wonderful bath! For a few minutes we saw how happy we could be.
CHASE
A ritual cleanse. Did seem like it was working.
JAZZ
I felt such peace, like nothing could hurt us ever.
CHASE
Then my Dad showed up.
JAZZ
So now I know him, too. I experienced them through you.
CHASE
In the house that never got finished. I pushed my Dad into bankruptcy. I destroyed my family.
JAZZ
You did not.
CHASE
If you’re going to be my soulmate you’ve seen the house of horrors where you have to live. Nobody could blame you for walking out.
JAZZ
Where would I walk to? Seriously. I thought the more worlds we saw the more paths – the more choices we would have, but the maze leads only two places – sickness and murder or – each other.
CHASE
But what if we resist?
JAZZ
Are we back to murder? A life for a life?
CHASE
Surely you see the appeal?
JAZZ
I think when you want to kill Corso it’s really your dad you want to kill.
CHASE
Wow! Free therapy! Bzzzt! No. My Dad I can get away from.
JAZZ
Apparently not.
CHASE
Once and done.
JAZZ
Finding crime scenes should not be inspiring us to create more of them.
CHASE
Why not, if everyone’s doing it?
JAZZ
Jails are full of defective reasoners.
CHASE
So I’m a defective reasoner, am I?
(JAZZsits beside him)
JAZZ
Seems like. I’m stuck with you and you’re stuck with me.
CHASE
But I don’t get it – if death doesn’t free you, what does?
JAZZ
Why couldn’t you tell me about her?
CHASE
I can’t even go there.
(long pause)
JAZZ
If you can’t go there I can’t see where there is to get to.
CHASE
Sexsomnia is like sleepwalking. They –
JAZZ
Would you stop it with trying to rationalize the irrational? It makes me feel so alone.
CHASE
(Holding her – she lets him)
We can’t have that.
(They start to kiss)
Maybe it hasn’t happened yet.
JAZZ
What part?
CHASE
The video Corso’s trying to create. If he hasn’t finished it, he hasn’t released it.
JAZZ
But what we did. It’s out there, alive, wandering the cloud.
CHASE
Maybe not.
JAZZ
I like this Chase better. So let’s get rid of it and warn the others.
CHASE
Are you sure they’ll care?
JAZZ
Someone will.
CHASE
They may prefer secrecy, or destruction. But people don’t believe without evidence.
JAZZ
Our suffering is the evidence.
(She pushes him away)
You wanted this to happen. You twisted my life into evidence for your crime scene. You used the rest of us as bait.
CHASE
I swear I had no idea he’d go this far. But if it’s real we’ve got to face up to it. Destroying the evidence doesn’t cancel our suffering.
JAZZ
Without the video, we don’t remember. If we pass it along, Corso wins – whoever we pass it to.
CHASE
It isn’t “gone” just because we can’t remember. Haven’t what we’ve been through shown us that? It becomes a negative hallucination.
JAZZ
I feel sure I don’t want to know what that is.
CHASE
It means is not seeing the obvious.
JAZZ
Forgetting is almost as good as innocence.
CHASE
That’s what Corso counted on.
JAZZ
Help me.
CHASE
I’m trying.
(the distance between them is growing. They reach out their arms to each other but it’s too late. CHASE fades into darkness)
SCENE XI – FARRELL RESIDENCE. (ZOYA, festively dressed excitable little woman with dyed hair teeters forward on high heels)
ZOYA
Stevie!
(She clutches CHASE, kissing him everywhere)
Oh Stevie, Stevie, I was so afraid you wouldn’t come.
CHASE
Miss your birthday? How could I possibly? And I brought a friend.
(JAZZ wavesnervously)
JAZZ
(Awkwardly extending plant)
Happy Birthday.
(Painfully obvious this is way too big a plant for this tiny person)
ZOYA
(Making no move to take it)
Oh, my. That looks so…interesting. Well come in, come in.
( JAZZ unloads plant on hall table, looking around, awed. ZOYA regards plant apprehensively.)
ZOYA
I suppose I’m ancient, dry and prickly just like this plant. Does it come with directions?
JAZZ
It’s a Christmas cactus. It’s going to have three blooms. See?
ZOYA
(Without enthusiasm)
Lovely.
(Clings to CHASE)
It’s so wonderful to see you!
(She squeezes him)
Look how tall you’ve gotten.
CHASE
(hugs her)
Good to see you, Mom. You’re looking well.
JAZZ
Sorry I’m not dressed for a party.
CHASE
Jazz had kind of a disaster. Somebody jumped out of her dorm room window.
(JAZZand CHASEexchange looks)
ZOYA
How terrible! Were they badly hurt?
CHASE
(With relish)
Killed, Mom. Dead.
(His mother backs away, looking at the pair of them)
ZOYA
Do they give you an automatic A and send you home?
CHASE
Urban legend, Mom. You’ve got to stop believing myths.
(His mother strikes him lightly on the arm)
ZOYA
I never know when you’re teasing.
CHASE
If Jazz could borrow something of Cyanne’s…?
ZOYA
(Recollecting she’s the hostess)
Of course, of course. Cyanne has way too many clothes. She’s always shopping. You look about the same size. She’d say yes but she’s away at college. She’s pledging my sorority. Quick drink before you freshen up?
(An expression almost of panic)
Because I’ve got to get back – back to the kitchen.
(Backs away as if dragged – exit)
CHASE
My Mom always bakes her own birthday cake.
JAZZ
Why didn’t you tell me your mother hates plants?
(Gestures)
All these plants are fake.
CHASE
Mom says growth’s a lot of work.
JAZZ
(Mimes looking at family photos on the walls)
That you as a baby?
CHASE
The very same. Aren’t I adorable? You can’t tell which is me and which is Cyanne.
JAZZ
You all look so happy.
CHASE
Appearances can be deceiving.
JAZZ
So your real name’s Stevie.
CHASE
Steven. Now that you know it, forget it. Just another thing that’s gone.
JAZZ
You could have told me.
CHASE
Who knew we’d end up here? I’ve never been good at telling people things. The vortex assumed control.
CHASE You’re scared to leave because Bex is out there.
JAZZ That’s not it. I’m here because I want to be. I can handle Bex. His pride is hurt but he’s basically lazy. I don’t matter that much to him. He spent all our time together trying to convince me I was worthless and making him look bad.
CHASE Sounds like my dad. Except I really was all he had. His only son.
JAZZ You’re not responsible for him. Bex wanted me to believe that I was stuck with him, but he wasn’t stuck with me, that I owed him a debt that kept mysteriously increasing.
CHASE Ouch. I need a shower. Want to come?
JAZZ Oh, no you don’t! We’re not finished yet! Why come after Corso? Why pick this college?
CHASE You really want me to roll in it, don’t you? Can’t you just be a good soulmate and fill in the blanks?
JAZZ Total honesty. Full disclosure. Tell each other everything, don’t you agree?
CHASE Maybe.
JAZZ So when Bex bothers me you want me keeping it secret?
CHASE Hell no! Point taken. (forcing himself to reminisce) I just couldn’t get it out of my mind that nothing bad happened to Corso. No jail time! No publicity. No fines even. They made him promise not to work with children, but he’d graduated to teenagers by that time anyway. I gradually realized the money was to control me, so I wouldn’t tell the police. Blood money. What a bad deal that was. He wasn’t controlled! Rewarded, if anything. I might as well have been protecting him. When I looked him up – there he is running “perceptual studies” at a prestigious college! That sound like “punishment” to you?
JAZZ That would be punishment for me, but I get what you mean.
CHASE So I decided to kill him. It’s the only way. I mean, Corso’s a monster, right? And he’s only getting worse. I grew up, I bulked up, I legally changed my name, I disguised myself every way I could think of. I mean, he hadn’t seen me since I was a squeaky-voiced platinum haired tot of thirteen.
JAZZ But let me guess. He recognized you right away.
CHASE He just assumed I couldn’t live without him. I was there to bring him souls!
JAZZ You confronted him?
CHASE He says the university knows all about his “spot of bother.” There’s no official record. To hear him tell it, we were co-victims!
JAZZ Co-victims!
CHASE Yeah. Of religion. Of repression. Of the fifties, of his parents – you name it. But he’s fine now. Happily married, to a nice older lady who just happens to be rich! He’s “freed” himself, see, from his horrible past and he just wants to liberate everybody else.
JAZZ What a bastard.
CHASE So either I get the goods on him or I kill him. There aren’t other options. If that makes me a monster, then, that’s what I’ll be.
JAZZ Hard luck on me, having a monster for a soulmate. What did I do to deserve this?
CHASE Clearly you attract monsters.
JAZZ You sell us both short. If you wanted to be a monster, you would be one already. You’ve been here four years!
CHASE I got distracted. College is interesting – wrestling, debate club, research, biofeedback… Suddenly I found myself in a much bigger world. But whatever avenue I went down… he was always there ahead of me. Like, he’s the creator of everything and I’m just his mutant, the cuckoo on his clock. I want a world without Corso, a universe to call my own, but… he’s polluted everything.
JAZZ So he still holds you hostage.
CHASE He’s inside me. He’s like, taken over the inside of me. Robbed me of my self. I always seem to know exactly what he’ll do, or say, so in some sick way it’s me doing it. There’s no “me” any more, as long as he’s alive. My only hope is to off him.
JAZZ That’s stinking thinking. If you kill him, he still wins. You’d be linked to him forever. I refuse to lose a perfectly good soulmate. You’re nothing like Corso. He’s soulless and that’s why he collects souls. You’re real. Without a self, how could you have a soulmate? Knowing him just makes him easier to trap. If we’ve learned anything, it is that he’s up to no good. He’s a predator- parasite. We’ve got to keep that straight. Trust?
CHASE If only I could believe in souls. I don’t feel indestructible. I’m staying alive by the force of my resistance.
JAZZ You woke me.
CHASE That’s what we have in common. You resisted Bex.
JAZZ I’ll say! He worked so hard to keep me down. We recognized each other. We’re the same. (passionately kiss)
CHASE It’s only our worlds that keep changing.
JAZZ It’s love.
CHASE And we keep falling into it. “Falling” seems more than a metaphor.
JAZZ If we’re in the middle of something extraordinary, we’ve got to stop looking with ordinary eyes.
CHASE But everything’s corpses. Corso threatens life itself.
JAZZ Murderers do tend to round up the refugees.
CHASE He’s poisoning us. The question is whether it’s terminal. I wish I knew what was in that stuff he gave us.
JAZZ Who cares what he gave us? He wants you to think he’s some scientific mastermind wielding a secret weapon. We’re the ones with the secret weapon.
CHASE Some amnesiac, like scopolamine or propanolol. Without memory, he assumes we lose identity. But stress-based experiences are processed like dreams – we keep having flashbacks.
JAZZ And flash-forwards. But we all formed new memories – some of them pretty crazy I admit – but others right on target. Look at Soliz falling through my window, Zane at the toxic dump, Koo with her body-bags. Something happened to us and he doesn’t want us to find out what. Bex wants me thinking he’s all powerful and everywhere so I’ll feel weak and helpless and give up, and Corso’s exactly the same. You must have gotten close –that’s why he fired you.
CHASE He didn’t reckon with us happening.
JAZZ We have a superpower!
CHASE I’m scared the universe is setting us up, just to knock us back down.
JAZZ But the universe loves creators, and lovers are the ultimate creators.
CHASE Creation takes so long and destruction lasts forever.
JAZZ Doesn’t the green growth keep coming up?
CHASE Death is inevitable. It’s life that’s the surprise. In wrestling your attacker takes himself down. We need to find Corso’s weak spot –
JAZZ He’s not immortal, is he?
CHASE God, I hope not.
JAZZ I mean, if he keeps swelling up with everybody else’s souls he’s going to explode. The universe will take care of Corso.
Alysse Aallyn 