Tag: Writing Community

  • Embattled Love: the diaries of Alysse Aallyn

    Mon 19 Nov 79


    Mike & Lorraine Inzar killed in small plane accident Mom & Dad call to say. This makes Dad majority stockholder (Mike’s stock divided among 5 kids.) Painful thoughts. Lorraine so young! One of her daughters with them too! (Mike was the pilot.) Mom says salutary reminder how easily we can all be “snuffed out.” If I died now how awful!!! Dad wants to go look at Bennington airfield trying to find ANYTHING but pilot error – what could have happened?


    Try to make each day an entity in itself. Yesterday a good day reading V Woolf letters. Can read these again & again. Neither she nor Vita could truly appreciate themselves. But I appreciate them.
    Boiled diary into 5 pages for Yuna. I think we can call this a completely unsuccessful breast-beating exercise. Took dogs walking in park with T, bratwurst for dinner, fantastic lovemaking, sleep. Typical day.

    2 Dec 79
    Maddening depression. My precarious identity under permanent assault, only the cycle of achievement to carry me through. Bride rejected no note of any kind. Devastating. Thought I’d get some direction at least.


    Wrote 2 poems on Rossetti family – sent 40 poems out, wrote 15 family letters.Maybe I should hide my feelings from T. His suggestion I write magazine articles throws me into blacker depression because I would have to:

    1) Learn how to write magazine article
    2) experiment with same
    3) forge relationships!!!

    CRAZY time consuming plus new ways to fail!! Novels are BOILING inside me – can’t get over that THIS IS MY DREAM LIFE – writing full time at home while husband busy with important job. But part-time newspapering pays horribly and he looks forward to law job after graduation. So our timing is off. Let’s hope not FATALLY.

    Thurs. 6 Dec 79
    T compliments me on being “so female” (“in the Jungian sense”). He’s
    beautiful & supportive – he liked my Rossetti poems a lot. Feeling better carefully following my program; hoping I can be the person I want, follow the life I want.

    11:15 PM Thurs 6 Dec 79
    Everything looking up except this diary. Lavallee LIKES Bride and thinks we can sell it. Studying the lives of Saints makes me feel better, so I’m enjoying assembling a calendar of poems called The Spire. Does nothing for my career but provides relief. What if I learned how to pray? Assembling a Christmas wardrobe.


    T. annoyed when I trimmed my public hair! Since he goes down like Jacques Cousteau I should listen. Buying Sutton’s wife Val a sweater for Christmas from Brooks Brothers gives me & T a chance to rationally discuss our differing styles. He accedes to the more imaginative choice.

    11 Dec 79
    Finished Life of Raymond Chandler. Reading about Ottoline Morrell and Katherine Mansfield. Disgusted with poetry and taking a vacation. Bought T. the prettiest Pierre Cardin diamond cufflinks.

    5:30 PM 13 Dec 79 –Thurs
    A good day in spite of a weird pain between my breasts. Tension? Seems better when I move round so not incipient heart attack. Diet?

    Reading Lady Sackville & drinking tea. Phone call from beloved after his Commercial Paper exam. Getting a haircut then home in ½ hr. Mom called to apologize very nicely for sounding “disrespectful” about my work by dismissing it as “ghoulish” and “morbid.”


    We had a nice talk.


    Finished Xmas cards today – 172 cards! T & I had beautiful long talk last night of course followed by spectacular lovemaking. Confiding fears for our relationship. T doesn’t see how this relationship can last when everyone else’s falls off the cliff. I said I worry about hardening myself against him because it’s so difficult to be so open.
    Out shopping today got a flat tire changed by the grocery store employees! Free! Would that happen in the Northeast? Certainly not in DC. Very little sleep last night because of T’s studying – but I didn’t want him to leave the bed. It’s getting dark now – beautiful light over St John’s church. Submitting altered version of The Spire (leaving out sex poems.)

    11:45 AM – Sun 16 Dec 79
    In 15 mins my angel will have been at work for six hours. That’s more than a half day! When he gets here he still has his packing to do. He asked me what about spending summer in Princeton then back here for a year? He knows he can get a job here – his friends have been working on him. I said I’d hate it. Want to get established somewhere before I get pregnant. I have a far better chance of getting a job there than here. He walked in – greeting noises from dogs!

    StormFall Farm – Wed Dec 19 – 79
    Unalloyed pleasure! Sitting at my desk in winter living room (table pushed up to window.) It’s been snowing since we woke up at 10. I saw my new house – where his mother grew up in Grovers’ Mill NJ – very low ceilinged antique farmhouse full of original furniture. Too outdated to rent but fine with me – a whole house of our own! We could have two kids there without being overcrowded! It has some unpleasant dark curtains we could just get rid of. T’s grandmother just went into nursing home for the second time. Looks like this is the last time.


    The only problem is it has no laundry room – perhaps adapt upstairs closet? (Very tiny closets too.)
    Trish & Noah (cousins) & Toss have gone to town – I will walk dogs and then be ALONE.

    Gloriously ALONE. Very close to becoming complete recluse. Just finished N Mitford’s Voltaire in Love. T enormously enjoying Perry Mason whom I read aloud on our long drives.

    Train from NYC 1:40 PM 27 Dec 79 –
    Alarms & Diversions – T & I have just had 2 very intense fights. Guess I didn’t realize the anger than was building up in me. His mother is just so RUDE – I cried in front of her last night for a solid hour feeling sheer helplessness! She is so awful! After she left we managed to come together much chastened. Yesterday we went into New York City to see costumes at the Met – got in an epic traffic jam outside Tiffany’s and could see we weren’t going to make it – got out of the cab and T bought me a ring! Eternity band of diamonds – very sweet. They say if a diamond ever falls out they replace it!


    Celebrated at Sherry Netherland with manhattans and duck pate in lingonberry sauce. Wrote four poems but too exhausted to know if they’re good.

    12:30 AM – Wed 9 Jan 80
    Battling with Byatt’s Virgin In the Garden. This woman asserts a Proustian compass but overwrites dreadfully. T due in ½ hr – at library studying as usual. We had a lovely dinner before he left – spinach soufflé, salad and wine. Took dogs for very pleasant walk.


    T says he loves me so much more every day he can scarcely comprehend it. He was so upset when I said I might not take his name – it was only because he’d been flippant about a previous girlfriend. We are both so sore. Trying to stay open and honest as the emotions blast through.

  • Embattled Love: the diaries of Alysse Aallyn

    Fri Oct 12 – 79


    Glorious day. On p 140 of book, 60 to go, 4 days to do them in. The hopelessness of this made me decide to give myself a 3 day vacation – read Rae Foley’s Put Out the Light – so awful I felt actually better. (3rd dud.) I can’t be as bad as I fear! Rush of poetry. Wrote poem about Sylvia Plath – don’t know if I like it yet. Saw Cage aux Folles. Unfeeling card from Genevieve but my annoyance vanishes when I realize she is copying Mom’s icy superiority. Less and less reason to write back honestly. Letter to Devon. T. and I had a long lovely dinner discussing love. I suggest we live on a farm and raise goats.

    Sun. 14 Oct 1979
    Toss seems entirely to understand my confusing depression: just found this note on the bed when I came up: “PAY TO THE ORDER OF ALYSSE AALLYN A WHOLE LOTTA LOVING, KISSING & HUGGING, AVALANCHE OF AFFECTION REDEEMED WHENEVER SHE FEELS INSECURE”. He’s downstairs right now with Jan.


    I don’t know what it is about my family that lays me so low. Unfortunately, this ugly pointless pattern continues into my artistic life. Set up one framework after another, only to lose faith and discard them. Dreamed last night about boyfriend Phil Jervaze of all people – that I was trying to get his phone no.

    Wed 17 Oct 79 7:50 PM
    Somewhat depressed over Bride & Wolves which I “finished”. Prose sluggish and dullsville. I blame Shirley Jackson. She’s too good.

    T & I drink glass of sherry with lemon peel to “celebrate”. Now all the things I didn’t have to think about I have to think about. UGH. Housework & money. Send copy of Devlyn to Lavallee, (agent) try for serial contract. The trouble is they want to hire you to write books you don’t want to write and the more you want to write it the less they want to pay.


    Took Speechless away from Toss. Hard to see it sitting on the floor, day after day. In a month, he’s read only 50 p. Told him he can’t read it anymore. It will be a long time before we can deal with each other fully, but that’s the way life is. Last night felt like the best so far. We had a guest, John Weber, Reed College student to whom Toss was legend. Fun to hear Toss talk about Reed – I was spellbound. Fell in love with him all over again. Made love from 1:30 PM to 3 – I can always make him come twice.

    Fri. 19 Oct 79 – 11:30 AM
    Halfway through re-reading Bride, haven’t thrown up yet. Ravings of a madwoman? Seems determined & plain. Early Dorothy Eden. Too slight? We’ll see. Exhausted. Utterly drained. Can’t imagine writing anything ever again. Worry about money and how alien this town feels. If we were married, would I mind so much being supported? No sex for 2 days – feels like a connection severed.
    5:10 PM
    Reading the novel with a critical eye. Feeling almost suicidal. Seems so bland. Blah. Who the hell cares? I imagine Lavallee calling it “tired.” Could I survive her criticism? Maybe she’ll give helpful direction. Storm coming. In a moment take dogs in, feed them. Read Jackson’s Bird’s Nest.

    Mon 22 Oct 79
    All day Saturday spent at Keeneland. The men were watching the horses, I was watching the politics between 3 law students. Home I went back to reading diaries with a view to making a book – too awful. T’s gay friend Basil to dinner – he just wouldn’t leave – he doesn’t like our new relationship either. I got too drunk. Toss wrote Mom & Dad a lovely letter today about how he’s going to “take care” of me. Happiness. Toss studying at law library.

    Tues. 23 Oct 79 7:45 PM
    Had to call the police on youths loitering by my car in our driveway. Outdoor lights didn’t discourage them. Trying to see what tape deck I have. Couldn’t take my walk. No way of getting out of 7 more months here. Kids moved on thank God.


    Cheering myself up with Zegger’s May Sinclair. More relieving than reading about poor Shirley Jackson. May rejected the system that gripped her. I feel like I interrupted my career (such as it was) to clean T’s house. I was a Disgraced Exotic Dancer probably getting too old anyway. Horrible. Think I have flu or something.

    Thurs 25 Oct 79
    Still feeling sick but just finished Honor Arundel’s Blanket Word and feel tremendous! Maybe I should write adolescent novels. Studying Awful Men in E. Bowen’s & R. Lehmann’s work. I prefer Monica Dickens who at least can handle resolution.

    Thurs 1 Nov 79
    I have been lucky to attract much love in my life. Genevieve met Danni Wisefield 5 years ago who asked, Are you related to Alysse Aallyn? Remembered me perfectly with so much love! Undeserved. Wonder if she ever went to that Swiss convent her parents threatened her with.
    Avril met Preston Pugh in an art gallery – he came up to her and reminisced lovingly about ME! Devon saw Avril dancing in a Concord, NH club and asked, “Are you related to Alysse Aallyn?”

    Mon 5 Nov 79 5:30 PM
    In the grips of a depression I can’t get out of. Cruel & disturbing, Toss left to go study, so I can’t bother him. Frightens me. Should go to library and take out pile of books. Some of the strength you need to be a writer is sheer stupidity. Doesn’t do to be too sensitive. I am happy with Toss but we do have communication problems. Don’t want drama with Families of Origin to traumatize our communication style.

    Toss asked me to make curtains for the entire house. I didn’t want to. Finally, when I announced I was ready, he suggested batiste half-panels I thought would look dumb. Not real curtains at all! We looked and looked at fabric, couldn’t agree on anything. He kept dragging out the batiste panels. Long ones aren’t so bad but I feel corralled. They come ready made, he needs my approval why? Just wants me to fulfill his vision? I couldn’t explain my anger. Why pretend you’re equal when only one has veto power?

    Keep trying like a fiend to gather dignity but everything seems to work me deeper in his debt. He offered a checking acct today! I explained he will have to put money in it. One of my financial gambits better work out.

    11:45 AM 16 Nov 79
    When to diarize? Mornings are for work, evenings I’m exhausted, nights for lovemaking. Merrill called to say she’s pregnant! Fun if our kids could be the same age. I bought wonderful African-patterned sheets on sale, sewed on rings (2 hrs needlework listening to Purcell’s Fairy Queen). They look FABULOUS and really dress the place up but T worries they’re “not good taste.” Who’s he trying to please? His mother and father have imaginative décor in their homes. (His Dad’s a fauvist painter!!!) It’s just so weird.


    Speechless should be done by Feb – submit Harper Awards? Feel completely inert. July/Aug wedding?

  • Embattled Love: The Diaries of Alysse Aallyn

    21 Sept 79


    Sex scene carries me to p. 201. Completely wiped out. Trying to read Eleanor Clark’s The Ball. Really in the mood for Edgar Allan Poe. Dinner with friends last night after T’s successful presentation – drank too much but didn’t get crazy. Still, angry at my lack of self-control. Gears shift so suddenly. The closer T gets the greater my terror. Well, we will lay new patterns down. Think T was proud of me – I was proud of him. But there’s too much going on. I am starting to feel voiceless like the people in my novel.

    26 Sept 79 –
    Hooks Lane chapter in crisis – not satisfied with it at all. Leave it and keep going.
    T said we must go to Philadelphia to see his mother. She was so depressed she went to a therapist who told her, “You have no support system.”


    Left Kentucky at 3 PM got to Phila 1:30 AM. Drive thoroughly pleasurable. His mother in very bad shape. Dreading upcoming weddings and her ex-husband’s family. We helped I think – T said he was very proud of me.


    Home to find Mary Ellen haunting the place – she can’t go back to that house and Jan doesn’t understand. Tried Catholic priest but nothing has worked. The little dog’s rash is worse and whole house a frightening mess. I feel exhausted. My youngest sister Avril calls very depressed – “Mr. Honesty” Dave has been lying to her and seeing another girl. Why am I not surprised? Says she wants to move too. Maybe Maine to be closer to Mom & Dad? I say she needs to rise up & denounce these rotten creeps. If she decides to go I can sell my Queens Chapel house!
    My lack of $$ starting to sting. After IBM and car insurance I have $150!!! Must sell the car, no other way.


    T had nightmare he married previous Bad Girlfriend Christy then saw me thru chain-link fence realized he’d made a terrible mistake!


    Much better evening than day. Ran a little, tomorrow we’ll do more. Shrimp chow mein, red pears, white wine.


    T got two letters from old girlfriends “checking in” to change his mind about marrying me. He says, “Alysse, you saved me from second best.”

    27 Sept 79
    Tremendously depressed about Speechless. How does anything ever get written? I’d ask somebody’s opinion but who do I respect? I can’t think of anybody unfortunately. Part III far too short. But I can’t “pad.” My house party at the Kimball’s now seems dumb. Phila trip screwed me up.
    Maybe just write gothic from scratch. Something crazy.

    Helluva eye opener reading adolescent diaries: how did I survive? Maybe I didn’t! Can one EVER tell the truth? Keep going back to my time in Massachusetts and molester Uncle Burt. Ugh. Aunt Nina let me read Mom & Dad’s letters (I WAS TWELVE) but told me not to let them know because “it would ruin their Christmas.” Uncle B lectured me about responsibility while copping a feel. Ulterior Motive Ranch.

    29 Sept 79
    Cheered up by finding complete synopsis of Bride & Wolves I can use! A little manic but not as extreme say as The Big Sleep. Complete with Evil Psychiatrist. I’m dropping him – Lover Ned’s all the evil I think I need.

    Mon 1 Oct 79
    Thoroughly enjoyable day lounging about reading Lofts’ Queens of England. Made 15 chap plan – finish Bride in 2 weeks!!


    Wonderful dinner with the Macafees last night – dull food but they told me Toss is WAY more physically affectionate with me than he ever was with other girlfriends! Hehehe. Milestone sex.

    Tues 2 Oct 79
    Reading Cookson’s The Girl for gothic insights. Thomas Hardy she is not. She is even more depressing than he ever was.


    Only got thru 10 p breaking my schedule as usual. Should I bring Kitten back from the dead? Can’t decide. Feel I am laying the foundation for the whole rest of my career. Shouldn’t be hard to earn $10,000 a year! Right? I feel better already.


    Good long run with T last night. Received 16 novels from Detective Book Club.

    Thurs Oct 4, 79
    Workday blown by farewell lunch party at Goldberg’s hotel. Tomorrow there’s a wedding at 2! Can’t believe 2 glasses wine gave me this sour headache.


    Should read no more of my diaries. Think my parents skipped their own adolescence. EX Ferrars’ In at the Kill a BIG disappointment. She should lose her membership in Detective Club for that one!! Boresville. #2 was Lucky to be Alive by Alice Cromie – another DUD! Makes Dorothy Eden look like Shakespeare. Starting to worry about modern publishing. Is my taste fatally out of whack with the rest of the world? That’s scary. I like to think I’m writing a “thriller”. Wish I had jewels I could sell.

    6 Oct 79
    Bride shaping up well, a “loose bag for anything” I want to throw in (Woolf.) 6 chaps so far – think I can get 60,000 words without too much trouble.


    Think I am jealous of this house – we painted 6 to 9. Toss definitely runs himself too hard. Chase elected him to ANOTHER position as well as law review editor.


    Last night I made dinner – fillet of sole in sherry, sour cream & chives with broccoli & salad. Jan showed up for dinner – luckily there was plenty – both praised my cooking extravagantly. Wine flowed. Discussed celibacy of clergy. I blame greed – church wants to own everything, like Ma Bell. Jan wants to spend the night (Mary Ellen’s at her mother’s) so he can watch Foreign Correspondent (he and Mary Ellen don’t approve of TV so have to use other people’s). He offered to help paint.


    Dinner – running – bath – reading – lovemaking – satisfying routine.


    Then today the wedding – can’t believe I survived it. Ex girlfriends Christina, Mindy & Cindy all there commenting on my lavender lace dress. Had only my burnt sienna leather jacket to wear over it. (Couldn’t afford to buy anything new.) Toss criticized the dress as “an old lady dress” on the hanger but admitted it looks nice on.


    Waiting for our ride while drinking sherry T said my face with makeup was “over defined.” I began to feel alarmed but too late to do anything about it! He said I sometimes dressed and made up as if I were 10 yrs older and had flaws to cover instead of “being a very beautiful woman” but he was afraid to tell me about it because of my feelings about my parents (their criticism I guess.) He said, “at least you don’t powder yourself any more like Marcel Marceau”! (I explained stage makeup is OBVIOUSLY different.)


    I said I was sorry he felt that way and particularly sorry he chose THAT moment to bring it up! I’m sure Mindy, Cindy & Christina were satisfied we were on the “outs”.


    Endlessly long super religious wedding. I was in a stew. I don’t even wear eyeliner! I wish he had given me some money but would I have used it on clothes & makeup? Probably not – I prefer writing and “staying alive”!


    So much emotionalism in the service I cried and he apologized. He said he was so proud of me and wanted everyone to feel the same. No more makeup for me. Financial savings!


    At the dull reception (bad jitterbug music) he formally introduced me to Christy who was COMPLETELY different from what I expected – at least a foot taller than Toss and very elegant (no makeup, alas.) After I came out of the ladies, T said Christina asked him to dance but he declined; “She had her chance.” He could NEVER have married her – a Professional Virgin. (She teaches at a Catholic school.) Impossible.


    Had to go shopping at Kroger’s after wedding for food – we were feeling better but he couldn’t stop justifying himself. Something about how “physically perfect” I am but not “psychologically perfect”! Made me sorry I’ve been honest with him – my parents are normal compared to his parents! I told him he’s lacking in charity.


    That shut him up.


    What is to become of this young, earnest couple? Life is short, marriage long. This engagement going on too long? I tell Toss I think we are separated by a thin membrane from understanding each other. This is me – trying hard to see you – on the other side. I am beginning to accept parts of him I wouldn’t have recognized in a police lineup.

  • Embattled Love: The Diaries of Alysse Aallyn

    Tues. 11 Sept 79 –
    Every day catalogue.
    Jan & Mary Ellen to dinner – she has black eye but otherwise seems no different. Does not disparage new house where they still plan to live.


    Mom sends separate letters to me & T. I feel she is on “his side” not mine. She thinks “living together” is at the heart of all our problems (secretly, she probably thinks it’s my “exhibitionism”. Me, the shy introvert!)


    Reading Self-Starvation about how children make enemies of their own bodies in reaction to growing up. Tremble with recognition. Mom said things in her letter she could only know from what I wrote to my older sister Genevieve. That outlet stopped. Feeling a rush of mature personal power – I’m moving beyond them.


    New novel Speechless is a bloody struggle. Writing about things too close to me. Wrote my first seriously bad scene – the adults all together.


    3:50 PM – too upset after letter from Genevieve to write. She has been robbed of her honest feelings – she is just pumping up and down on the merry go round. They obviously think T will get sick of me soon but can’t decide if that is good or bad. My insistence on having a “real relationship” means I’ll never have one! Silly me. Need to do housework – or something – till I feel better. Shouldn’t try to write when feeling so despondent.

    Midnight – Bath & Facial. Toss beautifully aroused – we made love TWICE. He says I am only girl he ever wanted to marry. Feel even our most terrible problems are being slowly overcome. Routine & diet coming under control. Dream of the Rood unsuccessful book.

    12 Sept 79 – Magnificent day only half over. Charting novel – seems “completeable.” Starting research for short story Demon. No bad mail – no guilt about housecleaning – send off Walt Whitman entry. Sylvia Plath provides poetic incentive – I can’t put her down.

    14 Sept 79 – Woke 4 am to tremendous whoosh – hackberry tree coming in window spreading shimmering shivering glass across floor. Went downstairs – more broken windows – tree leaning against house. Seemed to come out of nowhere. Put on coffee and called Toss at the newspaper where he works part-time.


    He came home looking so handsome in wheat jeans & fishermen’s sweater bringing a photographer from the newspaper to take pics. Started calling people at 8 am. Insurance doesn’t want to pay so he called his insurance law professor.


    Trying to read Robt Penn Warren – finished me for novels. The whole thing, after many premature burials, killed stone dead p. 300. Even there it didn’t stop. Can’t blame him for publishing it. It’s the publishers fault. If this was a woman’s novel they would flatten it. Never see the light of day. Retreat to Woolf’s diary where I plan to be for rest of week. Reading my diaries emotionally draining but inspiring. I’m up to 3 pages on The Repudiated Journals of Yuna Roe-Smith which is a lot of fun. The whole Ryder saga, though, is beyond depressing.


    I had forgotten Mom wanted me to marry Armon and cried over his mother’s mean phone calls! Horrible Armon! What ashram would I be suffering in now? O, for a trustworthy literary executor instead of more family myth victims.


    T. and I discuss travel – Portugal, Ireland and the literary tour of Eng. He prepares frightening presentation for Justice Goldberg. We will celebrate with Graves couple to dinner – turkey? My piece de resistance of hot, garlicky potato salad.

    Sat 15 Sept 79 –
    Insurance will pay. Celebrate one of our many anniversaries with muffins for breakfast. Nice cool fall day – I can wear a sweater! T says after Goldberg he will set up his new study and his old study becomes our dressing room. Good, I need closet space. Type 10 p without a break – T at library – do my exercises – hand laundry. Novel going uncommonly well except for constant awareness of what I cannot do. Tonight spaghetti & green salad. Didn’t realize I was clenching my jaw as I wrote. Sore.

    Sun 16 Sept 79 – T hands me his mother’s legal file – tells me I can read it! Found exactly what I need to portray Alva. She told her kids she was allergic to their father’s sperm!! Ask if I can incorporate T’s letter to his father about StormFall into Speechless.


    Can’t read African diaries. Forgot I threatened to kill myself. Needed child psychologist in a major way. Parents were always staggering around blindfolded. No map ever suits the new terrain.

    17 Sept 79
    Finished Part I, on to Part II. Looked everywhere for Generation of Millionaires – can’t find it. Rats. I was sure I could use almost all of it.


    Letter from oldest sister Merrill tells me I have to separate from M & D for my own emotional mental health. Can I do it AFTER wedding? Reading Women in Love. Think its wasted on me.

    18 Sept 79
    Up to p 145 but feel I am just beginning. I need to write another gothic – it would be easier. Dumped D.H. Lawrence’s Women In Love in favor of Hahn’s Lorenzo which I can actually enjoy.
    Useless trying to clean our room – T has nowhere to hang his clothes! We must construct a closet out of pass-through bedroom. This is a crazy place – longing for my own house. Yesterday such a magnificent dinner – chicken stew, wine, liqueur, pears, nuts & brie – we decided to skip dinner tonight. I love him so much but still feel like a wayfarer unrevealed. Sometime I wonder if 29 is too old to fall in love. M & D called – good conversation. To bed with History of Modern Poetry.

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 36. Blessings & Mysteries

    The nuns gave Jacquetta a party. They gave her the “special dispensation” to “step over the rail” and mill about the parlor with them. Sister Elgarde baked a cake, and if it was a little too dense and packed with raisins the frosting was a gustatorial delight as well as a thing of beauty.


    They oohed and aahed over her business card for “A Sister in Need.” And it turned out each of them knew of a mystery; a dropped stitch from the skein of Time. Attics were stuffed and barns choked with the detritus and confusion left behind by the lost and missing.


    “My aunt Cinderella was taken to the State Mental Home when I was just a child,” Mother Xavier reminisced. “But when we went to visit her, she wasn’t there, and they claimed they never knew her.”


    Jacquetta produced a notebook and began to scrawl in the distinctive sketchy hand no one else could read.


    “They do say she was raped by her own father,” Mother Xavier hissed.


    “And Mrs. Molino, who helps out in the store, when she came to clear out her father’s house, it turned out the funeral director owned everything,” said Sister Hyacinth. “The funeral director!”


    “That can’t be right,” said Jacquetta.


    “And Reverend Cross’s nephew Bob went to Newark to take up a job and he was never seen again! His car gone and everything! Not a word and it’s been seven years,” complained Sister Philomena.
    “What did the police say?”


    Philomena shrugged. “That a twenty-three-year-old man is welcome to go anywhere in life that he wants. But Bob Cross wasn’t the boy to ignore his parents and sisters! Never!”


    The nuns were full of such stories. They took a card to put up on their bulletin board – a special sign of support and recommendation – and another to place by their phone. They toasted her in daffodil wine, and at the end of the party she knelt to receive their blessing.


    “May the road rise up to meet you and the wind always be at your back”, said Mother Xavier.


    “May it be a long road, a walkable road and not throw you off it,” quavered old Sister James-and-John.


    “It will certainly be interesting, whatever else it is,” prophesied Mother Xavier.


    “May the sun shine upon your face and all the little flowers,” said Sister Elgarde.


    “May you see your children and your children’s children and may all God’s children be your children,” said Sister Philomena.


    “And may God hold you in the Palm of His Hand,” blessed Mother Xavier.


    “Or Her Hand,” said Sister Hyacinth. “Whatever the case may be.”

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 35. Ricey

    A green Corvette parked a few slots down pulled out behind her but Jacquetta couldn’t see who was driving. Roxelle Shields – or her manager – drove a green Corvette. Coincidence? There were a lot of green Corvettes in the world. Speaking of coincidence, Rose-Alice Ramey could not POSSIBLY have the same name as the St. Barnabas churchyard baby. When a monster was close and about to surface, otherwise innocent ripples had one meaning and one meaning only.


    The apartment smelled horrible. Some kind of chemical smell suppressed the stench of spoiled food and an even nastier odor that could only be Death. Maybe I don’t want the clothes, thought Jacquetta. I’ve cleared out most of my stuff anyway. Make my phone call and get out.


    But as she entered the living room she was brought up short by the sight of Rose-Alice Ramey, aka Ricey Kleinemann, sitting in the rocking chair waiting for her.


    Caught by surprise Jacquetta knew she showed fear. She could tell that by the flicker of satisfaction on the other’s face. Damn! Now Ricey had the upper hand. How to win it back?


    ‘Who let you in?” She forced herself to advance far enough into the room so that she could sit on the sofa. Above all, she didn’t want Ricey standing up.


    “Your roommate gave me her key.” Ricey played with a lock of her own hair.


    “As well as her life,” said Jacquetta.


    “I needed to know what you knew,” said Ricey. “She was the weak link. If I wrapped a dishtowel around her neck and twisted it with a stick –“ She made a snapping motion with her hands. “But she wouldn’t tell me. She died too soon.” The murderer sound almost regretful. “I couldn’t bring her back.”


    Jacquetta was grateful for the apartment’s semi-gloom. Easier to conceal the blood boiling up her throat and into her face.


    “Why send those letters? You were safe until then.”


    “No one’s safe,” spat Ricey. “That’s why I sent them! People thinking they’re so safe!”


    “Who shared the Brooklyn apartment?” asked Jacquetta.


    “Oh, everyone.” Ricey shrugged. “No one. A girl’s got to live. You know what they pay nanny-girls? Next to nothing!”


    “So you preferred blackmail,” suggested Jacquetta. “But that didn’t work out either, did it?”


    “I preferred murder,” said Ricey, leaning forward. “I like finding the edge. I would have snapped that old woman’s neck if I could have gotten away with it. Pills in the milk. It’s so unsatisfying.” She laughed in a low, reminiscent chuckle, “Turns out I like shooting people and setting them on fire.”


    “You were smart to use so many different murder methods,” said Jacquetta, frantically thinking out her next move. The other girl’s cynical smile told her flattery wouldn’t work, so she desperately threw out her next idea. “What a pity you sabotaged your own work by wanting to be caught!”


    Wow! That got her! A little too much so – Ricey jumped to her feet while the rocking chair trembled.


    “I’m not going to be caught!” she snapped. “I’m never going back to prison. I can be anyone! I can go anywhere!”


    “Why tell me about the “commune” in upstate New York?” challenged Jacquetta. “You meant prison, didn’t you? You should have been worried, giving me so many clues!”


    The apartment door opened behind them and Ricey’s face changed. She seemed to back up, scared. Jacquetta twisted her head but was astonished by her rescuer – Roxelle. Carrying a gun.
    “I should have killed you when I had the chance,” said Roxelle. “For what you did to Granny. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”


    The first shot went wild. Ricey ducked but her mother advanced on her, shooting, emptying the gun. The noise was deafening and the smell pungent. Jacquetta backed toward the kitchen and called 911.


    She dropped the phone when Roxelle appeared in the kitchen doorway.
    “She’s dead now,” she said. “Thank you.” And she was gone.


    Ricey was not dead. Jacquetta tried futilely to block the gushing blood with the spilled contents of Honey’s ironing basket, but there was too much. To the music of sirens the monster’s eyes refocused, unfocused, falling back in time to childhood, infancy, and ultimately to non-existence, to the time before all will and all suffering and the senseless destruction they perpetuate.

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 34. A Stone Angel

    The door of Jacquetta’s own church, St Barnabas, was locked. This had never happened before. The sign said “mold treatment.” Jacquetta walked around the path to the churchyard and sat on a stone bench in the sunshine, watching the sexton clear graves. Some of the grass had been getting pretty tall!


    It was soothing having nothing to do, refusing to think. She tried praying but her mind kept drifting away. Shaming to have to tell Mother Xavier she was right; “I don’t want to be a nun. Turns out what I wanted all along was to be a snoop.”


    Being a snoop was endlessly absorbing, like trying to make sense of a forgotten language. Working as an actual detective would not be so much fun, she could tell. For one thing, you could end up shot or burnt. She didn’t envy Benson his gun, his license, or his death.


    There ought to be some kind of in-between career, Jacquetta thought. Maybe I can invent something. A helper constrained not by a client’s demands but by some higher purpose. “Will Snoop For Bread.” She recalled how delighted Honey had been raking through Miss Rainbeaux’s possessions. The “cleaned up” version offered to the public at the Open House, Jacquetta hadn’t found nearly so satisfying. “Sister Jacquetta Sorts Your Departed’s Junk.” There it was: a possible business. “A Sister In Need. I do what Relatives Don’t Have Time or Are Too Emotional or Disgusted to Do.”


    She smiled as she thought of the business card. It would actually be fun. She could make antique store versus dumpster recommendations without a hidden agenda. “A Sister You Can Trust.” Maybe that was a bit snide!


    The sexton finished. He climbed into his cart and tootled away, so Jacquetta stood up to admire his handiwork. There was one place he had missed.


    An obelisk dedicated to a 1930’s patriarch and his two – no three wives. A gaggle of children surrounding a stone angel. The smallest stones looked like footstones but, moving the grass with her foot, Jacquetta saw they bore engraving. Babies. “Bequeathed Only for A Moment.” “An Angel Passed Among Us.”


    And then she saw it. “Rose-Alice Ramey. August 31, 1962.”


    There it was. This is what Beatrix Rainbeaux had seen, this is what started the whole disaster. Hadn’t she told Jacquetta in their only conversation, “I was just at your church recently?”


    And she must have wondered about Avalon’s au pair; how she could be from “out of town” and yet have the same name as an infant buried in the St. Barnabas churchyard? And now Beatrix Rainbeaux was dead. Rose-Alice Ramey was the exact right age to be Ricey Kleinemann.
    Why had Jacquetta been so stupidly slow about recognizing this fact? Because she was rubbish as a detective, that’s why. Was it also because she liked Rose-Alice? Rose-Alice and she were outsiders together, two of a kind. But the “con” in “con-artist” comes from a criminal gaining trust – gaining undeserved confidence.


    Sociopaths were said to be charming. Jacquetta had identified with this hard-working young woman obliged to keep her opinions of her ridiculous employers to herself. Like everyone else, she was yearning for beauty, longing to travel. Jacquetta wanted the murderer to be one of the morally compromised Rainbeaux clan or someone from their cadre of sycophants. But Rose-Alice – she would have to think of her as Ricey now – had snuffed out the life of Honey, a fresh young girl – a striver, a dreamer just like herself – without a second thought.


    This monster wore a pretty face. Jacquetta decided the letters were older, probably unconnected with the murders. Ricey flexing her claws. Unable to contain her rage, her hostility, her secret violence, and she tried to siphon it off as harmlessly as she could. But when she gave in to love with her employer’s husband, her secret had been exposed. And who was Jacquetta to judge her for that? She saw George Cleese every day, he had plenty of time to work on her, as Nelson had “worked” Jacquetta.


    It was humiliating and enraging and it all made perfect sense. It explained why Miss Rainbeaux hesitated, why the real estate agent was charmed, why the detective relaxed, why Honey let her in.
    Jacquetta rushed back to her car. She needed a phone. She need to tell Lt. Marie the whole thing, because Ricey was clearly spinning out of control. She had nothing left to lose.


    Jacquetta regretted letting Nelson go: he had a car phone! She couldn’t think of a payphone closer than her apartment – she’d been planning to return anyway. She could think of no reason why the phone wouldn’t work. She didn’t dare wait even returning to the motel before she shared the secret. Ricey was too dangerous. She steeled herself. Grab some clothes and make that call.

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 33. Wildwood

    “How about a foot-long chili dog?” Nelson facetiously suggested.


    “Absolutely not,” Jacquetta returned, “I need a drink.”


    “I know just the place.”


    At this hour, Me Ole Matey was empty, but it was so dark you couldn’t tell what time it was. “Seat Yourself” said the sign, so they fought their way through fishing impedimenta to a corner booth.
    “Is white wine and kir still your favorite drink?” Nelson asked, signaling for the lone waitress.
    Jacquetta had no desire to recall any of those nights.


    “No,” she said. ”Just a glass of house red.”


    Nelson surprised her by ordering the whole bottle and a slew of appetizers. “The potato skins here are famous,” he said.


    Suddenly it was a date.


    “So,” Jacquetta hazarded, “Roxelle Shields’ baby girl? Any ideas? We have to have found the right family or she wouldn’t be acting this way.”


    “Definitely. Ricey Kleinemann’s Roxelle Shield’s daughter,” he concurred. Jacquetta shuddered. “Means that horrible old woman was Roxelle’s mama. Something went pretty wrong somewhere. Twelve years old is scary young to have a baby. We didn’t even get to mention D.L. LeRoi.”


    “I believe her that she doesn’t know where her daughter is,” Nelson said. “Don’t you?”


    “I guess so. Seems like we caught her completely by surprise. What do you think is the next move?”


    “I have to pray about it.”


    That silenced him. When they returned to the car in an hour, feeling much better, there was a message on the car phone from Lt Marie.


    “He says you can go back to your apartment. Also, your car is being released. Which do you want first?”


    “Thank God,” said Jacquetta, thinking, I need to pick up some clothes. She also wanted to find out if the killer got the datebook. “Car first.”


    “Going back to the motel?” he gave her a sidelong look.


    “Probably.”


    “Need me?”


    She faced him. “Not till you’re a free man. Consider your bereavement period over.”


    He sighed gustily. “And Sister Jacquetta is back.”


    She returned, “You’re welcome.”

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 32. A Brass Ass

    As scrub pine gave way to hot dog stands Jacquetta wondered if she should try to talk about last night. It didn’t change anything, and in the morning she had been grateful he didn’t mention it. But now she worried: wouldn’t he think it DID change things? Should she say something and if so, what?


    But everything was so up in the air. Part of me was killed with Honey, Jacquetta realized. Funny that she’d never realized they were Siamese twins; mentally and physically connected. Was that true of every relationship? The force of what Nelson had said about bereavement hit her with double power. He said he’d “lost everything.” If so: what was left for her? And how to find out? She wished she’d had the emotional strength to reject his proffered body, but she never had, and she knew perfectly well that was why she had left her job.


    Could Nelson be right that she’d contemplated the monastic life just to hide from men and their dangerous allure? She knew what Mother Xavier would say about it; only one way to find out. Ask God.


    “Desperado,” Nelson was counting the bars. “Cotton Candy. Brass Ass. There it is.”


    At this hour the neon sign depicting the backside of a naked woman aboard a kicking mule wasn’t lit, but the marquee said “Miss Roxelle Shields Appearing Nitely.” From the plethora of parking spaces Nelson chose the one nearest the door. The green vinyl padded door wasn’t locked but the bar was dark.


    A bartender was setting up beneath a single spot. He barely looked at them.
    “We’re closed.”


    “We’re here to interview Miss Shields?” Nelson sounded tentative even to Jacquetta’s ears.


    Barman couldn’t have cared less. “Around back.”


    Nelson unlocked the car and opened the door.


    “You’re using the car to go around back?” Jacquetta questioned.


    “Who knows how safe it is back there?” Nelson shrugged.


    Wow thought Jacquetta. I never would have thought of that. I need this guy.


    “Around back” was a dumpster and a green Corvette. It didn’t appear unsafe.


    There was a locked door labeled “Authorized Personnel Only” and “It is a State Crime to block or prop this exit.” Nelson hammered on the battered metal with his fist.


    A man wearing a three piece suit a size too small stuck out his balding head. Nelson, who’d had an opportunity to get his story together, flashed his press card.


    “We’re here to interview Miss Shields.”


    The man took the card and held the door open. The woman behind him was short but her high-heeled boots made up for it. Her white-lace minidress was red-lit by the lights.


    “TriCity News Service,” read the man.


    Nelson took back his card.


    Roxelle put her hands on her hips. “Woman’s Day looking for my recipe for sausage paprikash?” she asked. “Or are your readers wondering what a nice girl like me is doing in a place like this?”


    “We’ve got a press release in the office,” said the man helpfully. “I’m her manager.” When he turned around Jacquetta saw he’d drawn his three strands of hair into an unkempt ponytail. He opened the door to a tiny room that seemed to double as a storage space for industrial-sized jars of marinara sauce and cleaning fluid.


    Roxelle sat behind the desk, her manager perched unsafely a single buttock on the desk’s edge and Nelson gestured for Jacquetta to take the only chair. It seemed like a good idea as at least some insurance against being thrown out.


    “Get me some more bute, Clint,” Roxelle asked, putting one leg up on the desk and unzipping her boot. “You can tell your readers stripping’s hell on the knees.”


    “It’s the high heels,” said the manager, producing a syringe kit. “Miss Shields doesn’t get on her knees for anybody.”


    “Not anymore,” said Roxelle, her teeth chattering as the needle went in. Under these lights her skin seemed strangely matte white, but her black eyes were old. Impossible mounds of blue-black hair poured down her back. It made Jacquetta’s head hurt to think of trying to hold up so much hair. The manager rummaged in a briefcase for paper.


    “So what do your readers want to know?” she asked, relaxing back in the brass-studded captain’s chair. In a sing-song voice she teased, “I was born a poor little gypsy girl in a tiny town in upstate New York.”


    Jacquetta had a brainwave. “Devil’s Elbow?”


    The shock was palpable. The manager dropped the briefcase in his haste to open the door and usher them out.


    “We’re researching the Kleinemann-Lundt case,” said Nelson. Roxelle’s eyes filled with tears.


    “Have you found my baby girl?”


    “Baby girl?” asked Jacquetta. “I thought you were sisters.”


    The manager dumped Jacquetta out of her chair but she resisted ejection. The two women looked at each other; Jacquetta’s flushed skin facing Roxelle’s hard Chinese mask.


    “I was only twelve years old,” said Roxelle. “What’s she done now?”


    “She’s been sending anonymous letters to people,” said Jacquetta. Now it all made sense. “She rented a love nest in your name.”


    “Out! Out!”


    There was an unbecoming moment of full-body wrestling with Clint the Manager before the stage door slammed behind them.

  • The Pinch of Death – a mystery by Alysse Aallyn

    Chapter 31. Devil’s Elbow

    At the library he gave her a stack of dimes and said, “Better make copies of those letters. Lady Susan might repossess them out of sheer revenge.”


    “I’ve got my own dimes thank you,” she said, pushing his hand away.
    The newspapers – now confined to microfilm operated by a sticky hand crank rotary machine – were bleached of both sense and sensibility.

    Photos of Kleinemann and Lundt might as well have been Kabuki masks; one Obvious Old Woman and a pair of gangly dark-haired teenagers, visibly he and she. Jacquetta had better luck with the magazines, showing two pictures; one of a terrifying earth floored basement where tree trunks complete with bark held up the ramshackle house and the other of the “back yard”; a chipped cement court whose single central pole dangled a depressing wire.


    The tale was soon told; the old woman tortured Ricey Kleinemann as long as she was able, beating her with a wire and confining her to the basement until the abused was old enough and big enough to become the abuser. She, as Clay Lundt asserted – or Clay, as Ricey always insisted – followed Granma’s script closely, throwing her down the basement stairs, tethering her in the yard and ultimately garroting her with a wire. Whether it was the same wire that had been used on Ricey the story did not say.

    Even a town named “Devil’s Elbow” could produce enough jury members with a sneaking suspicion Granny had it coming.

    The “perps” – no one bothered to ascribe superior or inferior culpability – were confined till their twenty-sixth birthdays – then Sayonara. There were no stories in any press format about their release three years ago.


    “Yuck,” said Jacquetta. “What kind of a name is Ricey? I don’t know if we should even bother to have any of this copied.”


    “It was Rise,” said Nelson. “German. All we need to now is whether this is any kind of a secret worth killing for.”


    “They did their time,” Jacquetta said.


    “But could either of them ever get a position of trust again?”


    “Nobody’s the right age.” Jacquetta tried to think how old Penny Dettler was. Hard to tell – she looked thirty in some light and forty in another. “The au pair said both Avalon and her husband are having affairs with younger partners. One of them could be one of our ex-killers.”


    “If we knew who they were.”


    “Benson might have known. And Chester is rumored to have affairs with people he hires. Benson would have investigated all that.”


    “And now he’s dead.”


    In fact there were nothing but dead ends in this case, thought Jacquetta. That was obviously the way the murderer liked it.