In this comedy, the theatre becomes a cave as 2 college frat boys (HEDJ & BO) & 2 Sorority girls (REV & VAYRE) become trapped while spelunking on a dare. Unsettled friendships and a longing for connection have driven them to risk the cell-phone-free dangers of this place. All four long for emotional and sexual union and dependable relationships but are worried about victimization & consequences. How to trust? Both same sex couples become separated: BO “rescues” VAYRE and REV “rescues” HEDJ. Each couple has to forge a reliable physical and emotional connection. The first couple then needs to “find” the second couple deeper in the cave. To escape their emotional and physical prisons, both couples need to work as a team. They will use both physical and metaphysical relationship dynamics; even quantum mechanics to locate a “wormhole” that will “free them” into a previously unimagined universe.
(SCENE 1: darkened theater. A pair of college age women wearing miner’s lights and using hastily assembled climbing gear lower themselves from the ceiling with rope)
REV
We can’t let the boys win!
VAYRE
Because they ALWAYS win.
REV
Only because they CARE SO MUCH about winning!
VAYRE
Like it’s the ONLY thing.
REV
They win because they CHEAT.
VAYRE
They’re proud of it! They brag about it!
REV
Like ha ha! We put one over on you!
(They land with a thump, pull down ropes and lash them around their waists.)
REV
(Sniffs)
God, it stinks down here. What do you think that thing IS?
VAYRE
I DON’T think. I’m trying hard NOT to think.
REV
(Clutching her friend as if afraid to look around)
Don’t you dare say the “s” word! I’m warning you. Don’t even THINK the “s” word!
VAYRE
What IS the “s” word? Shit?
REV
That’s not it! Don’t say it! Don’t think it!
VAYRE
Rev, are you afraid of … snakes?
REV
(Screams)
I told you not to say it! Now I see them everywhere! I can SMELL them!
VAYRE
Snakes don’t SMELL, silly. There are no snakes down here!
REV
Who are you kidding! This is a deep dark hole! There HAVE to be snakes down here!
VAYRE
There can’t be. Snakes need to eat SOMETHIING.
REV
(Lets go of her)
There you go. Now you’re starting. I warned you. You mean something like BATS, for example?
VAYRE
(Galvanized –Clutches REV fiercely)
Who said anything about bats? There aren’t any bats down here! This is a bat-free zone!
REV
I just said that so you would come with. But you INSIST on torturing me with snakes. It’s a cave, silly! There literally HAVE to be bats! The kind that FLY in your HAIR.
(They hold each other while uttering blood curdling screams)
VAYRE
You are so mean!
REV
You started it!
VAYRE
We’ve got to calm down. What if the boys hear us?
REV
Yeah, we’ll never live it down!
VAYRE
We’ll have to pretend we’re faking. Play screaming. If THAT even exists!
REV
They’re probably screaming themselves. IF they have the BRAINS to be afraid. Which I highly doubt.
VAYRE
You and me both!
REV
Why did we get ourselves into this? What the HADES were we thinking?
VAYRE
Well, we HAD to take the dare.
REV
But WHY do we have to take the dare? What’s wrong with us?
VAYRE
Greek honor? Self-sabotage? I can’t remember,
REV
Because they’re SO pathetic.
VAYRE
Or because they’re so smug and superior.
REV
Those boys are SO in love with themselves!
VAYRE
How is that possible?
REV
When they’re so much worse than we are in literally every way?
VAYRE
SO much worse. But they’re the only game in town.
REV
They CAN’T be.
VAYRE
I investigated. They ARE. Unless you want to be gay?
REV
Not me! Where’s the fun in playing with the stuff I’ve already got?
VAYRE
I know! Right? Where’s the drama?
REV
And you just KNOW whoever she is, she’s going to have a better chest than mine!
VAYRE
Of course she is! How can she help it?
REV
(Giving her friend a dirty look)
Thanks a lot!
VAYRE
Hey! All I’m saying is we’re always comparing. True?
REV
(Grudgingly)
True. Who can relax?
VAYRE
And when we’re ranking, we rank ourselves worst! Do we or don’t we?
REV
Well not always.
VAYRE
But most of the time! It just looks so easy to be someone else!
REV
It does! It really does! Hey, Vayre?
VAYRE
What?
REV
Don’t let those boys know we investigated them!
VAYRE
Yeah! Easier to catch them in a LIE.
REV
Bundles of lies, probably!
VAYRE
Yeah! Poseurs! They always get ensnared by their lies!
REV
Trip themselves up!
(They pant together; fortifying themselves has been hard work.)
God, I’m exhausted! Are you?
VAYRE
I am! And we haven’t even started yet! Who knew this would be so rough?
(They finally let each other go – a bit embarrassed at the “gay” thing.)
I won’t say “s” if you won’t say “b”.
REV
Deal.
(Handshake & upslap. They look around, shining flashlights at the audience.)
VAYRE
Please remind me HOW we got into this?
REV
I was drinking Angry Balls. I should NEVER do that. Remind me to NEVER do that AGAIN!
VAYRE
Oh, yeah. I was all Sex on the Beach. So I remember…NOTHING. What are those other things?
REV
Beer. With a fireball chaser. You’d think THAT would be all right! Right?
VAYRE
I’m starting to see the problem with our decision making.
REV
Yeah! And the headaches!
VAYRE
It’s the boys’ fault!
REV
It TOTALLY is! If they weren’t such hard drinkers –
VAYRE
Alcoholics, probably. And if didn’t have those gorgeous shoulders —
REV
They were all about the shoulders! Shoulders all over the place!
VAYRE
Deep, deep brown eyes…
(They both sigh)
REV
Did you happen to catch their names?
VAYRE
Hardly.
REV
Then how did you investigate them?
VAYRE
Friend of a friend.
(Thinks)
Of a friend.
REV
It’s especially hard when they’re buying!
VAYRE
It TOTALLY is! I mean, you lose track!
REV
They WANT you to lose track!
VAYRE
Technically, the FRAT house was buying.
REV
That’s even WORSE!
(They look at each other meaningfully)
REV & VAYRE
Uh oh!
REV
We’ve been set up!
VAYRE
We should leave right now!
REV
We COULD leave now. I mean the hole is right up there.
(They both look up)
VAYRE
Funny. I don’t see it. Where did it go?
REV
Maybe a cloud passed in front of the sun.
VAYRE
I’m already forgetting what sun even LOOKS like.
REV
Maybe it moved while we were…screaming.
VAYRE
An “s” word! Don’t say it!
REV
Yeah. We never win if get excited.
VAYRE
Remind me why aren’t we making the pledges do this? Isn’t that the whole point of sisterhood?
REV
Lawsuits. We have to figure out if this can even be done. Did you bring food?
VAYRE
Of course not. Think how thin we’ll be when we finally get out of here. How about you?
REV
Gluten-free power bars.
VAYRE
I SO blame the national chapter. Everything’s their fault!
REV
Yeah! It’s their fault we can’t just spank pledges and roll them in chocolate anymore! Make us think up something hard!
VAYRE
Something NEW. God! What a lame bunch of losers! I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a good spanking and a coating of chocolate!
REV
I Did! You did! Now we have to invent “pro-social” initiations to dress up somebody else’s resume!
VAYRE
It’s SO UNFAIR!
REV
It SO defeats the point!
VAYRE
Which is…
REV
Knocking respect into those pointy little know nothing heads.
VAYRE
Respect!
REV
Right! Remind them they’re lucky to be chosen!
VAYRE
Sisterhood is a privilege, not a right! They must be worthy!
REV
And…
(Moment’s silence while they try to read each other’s thoughts and speak together)
REV & VAYRE
Because…they must be … willing to…
(Confused halt.)
VAYRE
Do anything we tell them?
REV
Start at the bottom!
VAYRE
Yeah. Like we did!
REV
I know, right?
VAYRE
So appropriate. I mean if we went through it …
REV
They should have to.
VAYRE
They shouldn’t be able to just get out of it.
REV
Why should THEY get a pass? That gives them a completely wrong impression.
REV
Yeah! They’ll FAIL!
VAYRE
At college!
REV
Probably even at LIFE! I mean, it wasn’t even so bad really.
VAYRE
Right. Who doesn’t love chocolate?
REV
Who doesn’t love a good spanking?
VAYRE
I don’t!
REV
(Hastily)
Depends who’s doing it. Who’d you get?
VAYRE
Muffy! She’s awful! She really had it in for me!
REV
Poor old Muffintop. It’s just jealousy. That’s what THAT is.
VAYRE
The Muffintop hates everyone.
REV
There’s too much jealousy! Those national women are just angry –check that – FURIOUS about the way their lives turned out. Prom queen divas with three screaming toddlers, a sixty hour job and a husband who sexts.
VAYRE
A husband who…what?
REV
You know, sends pictures of his junk to TOTAL STRANGERS.
VAYRE
Yeah! Poor things! Who wants to ever get old? I never want to leave college!
REV
Really? I can’t WAIT to leave college!
VAYRE
Why’s that?
REV
It’s so freakin’ expensive!
VAYRE
Well, apart from that. I mean what’s not to like? It’s like a witness relocation program for teenagers.
REV
Yeah but it sucks not having a boyfriend.
VAYRE
Yeah, being a sex object up for grabs gets old. I HAD a boyfriend.
REV
I’m not sure Bucky Buckmaster counts for much.
VAYRE
That wasn’t his name.
REV
Whatever. I had a stalker that was kind of sexy, but do you hear me bragging? You can’t count high school boyfriends or garage mechanic stalkers. They’re so passé.
VAYRE
All because men have that problem with COMMITMENT.
REV
They’re shallow is what! They’re not even men! They’re just a bunch of little boys!
VAYRE
They need us to show them what’s what.
REV
Plan their lives for them.
VAYRE
Because otherwise they’d just drink beer and watch sports.
REV
And play video games. Fantasy football twenty-four/seven.
VAYRE
Well, we can’t accomplish anything if we spend the rest of our lives in a freakin’ CAVE!
(Disgusted mutual pause)
REV
I would totally leave right now if I knew where that damn hole was.
VAYRE
I’d be right behind you!
REV
We’ve got to go back to the plan.
VAYRE
Omigod, there’s a plan?
REV
I remember talking about a plan
VAYRE
(Looking at her phone)
There’s no signal! I’m not getting a signal!
REV
Me either!
VAYRE
Oh, this is bad, bad news. How can we use our GPS? I’m lost without my GPS.
REV
It’s those magnetic fields, that’s what it is. I read they all go haywire down here!
VAYRE
We should have thought of that!
REV
(In the GPS’s voice)
Recalculating…
VAYRE
So what the hell do we do now?
REV
If we back out they’ll say it’s because we’re girls.
VAYRE
Yeah, they will! Blast it all over campus!
REV
We have to pretend WE set THEM up.
VAYRE
Unless they NEVER get out. Then WE’LL be the ones in trouble.
REV
We can’t win! But what do you mean “never get out”?? You mean…like, DIE?
VAYRE
Face it. Those guys are pretty stupid.
REV
What if they never came down in the first place!
VAYRE
Yeah! Left us down here by ourselves!
REV
They’d think it was funny! Bro Code and Ho Code!
VAYRE
Bastards! WE’RE not Hos!
REV
They think a “Ho” is any girl who can’t escape.
VAYRE
Not the brown-eyed one! He was throwing mad sexy cute vibes at me.
REV
That’s all part of their nefarious plan.
VAYRE
I don’t think so. He was seriously sad puppy-eying me!
REV
What do you know? You were sexy-beached up out of your mind!
VAYRE
I WAS all sexy-beached up our of my mind but sometimes you see most clearly when you’re out of your mind. Don’t forget, I kept adding orange juice. It’s good for you!
REV
Yeah! And here we are!
(Looks around disgustedly.)
VAYRE
So let’s say the boys DID come down the tunnel. What’s the plan?
REV
We come down the hole and they come down the tunnel. We’re supposed to find each other.
VAYRE
Unless we’re in two separate caves!
REV
Not according to Blaise Pinwinnie. I googled him. He’ s the guy that originally searched these caves.
VAYRE
Wasn’t that like 1863? God! ANYTHING could have happened since then! Tectonic plates have been shifting all over the place! Don’t you ever watch movies?
REV
Say we DON’T find them, that’s OK too. If we keep circling we’re bound to end up back where we started. That’s the NATURE of a circle.
VAYRE
Unless it’s a spiral.
REV
WHAT is your major? Remind me again? “Fashion Ethics”? Let ME do the thinking.
VAYRE
My major is not and never has been “Fashion Ethics”. I don’t even think that’s a major. I am currently majorless which is a highly respected condition when you don’t know what you want to do and you don’t want to get stuck doing something you hate.
REV
No wonder you want to stay in college forever. Sucks to be your parents is all I can say.
VAYRE
Stepfather is another “s” word. Don’t remind me.
REV
If there’s a connection we’re going to find it or –
VAYRE
Don’t say it! We’ll find it if we DECIDE to find it! Didn’t you read The Secret? If you want something badly enough –
REV
You believe that garbage? It CAN’T be true or everybody would have everything!
VAYRE
No, because people are self-destructive. You wouldn’t argue with that, I hope?
REV
We’re not self-destructive!
VAYRE
Right! That’s how I know we’ll find it. You know, I think I see an opening over there.
(They move slowly downstage, shining flashlights)
REV
Listen! Did you hear that? You know how boys’ bodies are always making disgusting noises?
(They listen thoughtfully to audience noises)
VAYRE
Nah. It’s the earth groaning or something like that. No big wup.
REV
Where ARE they? Up top laughing at us?
VAYRE
Maybe they’re dead already.
REV
Died from sheer fright, probably! Makes us the last great adventurers!
VAYRE
I bet they’re gay. No straight guy could have eyes that beautiful.
REV
I HOPE they’re gay! Otherwise – think about it – we’re down here where our cellphones don’t work with a couple of horny frat boys.
VAYRE
Maybe they’re not even horny! Seriously! I’ve been reading about it! They’ve all ruined their bodies with masturbation and cheese whiz! If they want to rape anybody they have to get a gang together in a group!
REV
That’s disgusting!
VAYRE
Yeah, it IS!
REV
God, it’s a ruined world left for us to inherit.
VAYRE
Why do you have to be so negative?
REV
I’m realistic, is all.
VAYRE
Same difference. It would be mad irony if my Mom got the last good generation.
REV
I thought you hated your stepfather.
VAYRE
I do hate him. He’s good looking though. But talk about negative! Nothing’s ever right for HIM.
REV
Well nobody’s helping ME. Even the government wants its money back.
VAYRE
Hear that?
REV
What?
(They listen while audience tries to hold its breath.)
VAYRE
I’m not sure. Water dripping?
REV
Men peeing! Men pee on everything!
VAYRE
Like wolves! Or…dogs. It’s the ownership thing!
REV
Or a threat! Torturing our sense of smell!
VAYRE
Maybe they’re super conniving and Machiavellian and not stupid at all! Talk about snakes!
REV
DO NOT SAY SNAKES! If you say the “s” word!” I get to say the “b” word!
VAYRE
Don’t you dare!
REV
Bats, bats, bats!
(The girls engage in a vigorous slapfight. Lights out.)
Alysse Aallyn 