Victor schools Rocky behind the bleachers
Rocky
(gasps)
I’m never cucked!
‘Cause I’m moving ON!
Victor
Moving on to WHO?
Rocky
(racking his brains)
Brandy?
Victor
(shaking off filth)
Done and DONER.
Can’t be cucked by
Community property –
Ain’t we ALL hit it –
Eiffel Tower, bay bay – that
Girl’s been run through.
Dickmatized.
Rocky
But you said it
Yourself – she’s food
For the raw dogs –
Always pre-lubed.
Victor
Better double-bag, Rocky!
Double-bag with that one!
(he shakes off imaginary germs)
You can’t MOVE UP to
Damaged goods, partner.
Rocky
So what can I do?
Victor
Stride of pride, Rocky
That’s what I’m saying.
It’s the stride of pride –
Or the walk of shame.
Take your choice.
Rocky
(Collapses in pain)
Why girls so
DISLOYAL?
I want Darla back!
Victor
You been burned, friend.
You’re not thinking straight.
What doesn’t kill you
Builds muscle.
Rocky
I just don’t get it.
Darla’s not thinking!
That guy Oscar – he’s
Going nowhere!
He’s got no homies
Hasn’t paid dues:
When he wins his last game
It’s back to the barrio
Maybe DEPORTED
She’s choosing
A shit life!
Victor
Can’t fight jungle genes
Rocky: that’s what
Girls go swoony for.
Getting’ jumped by gorillas – or
A posse of cavemen
That’s what they want.
(starts hip thrusting – Rocky makes him stop)
Rocky
Please. Please.
Tell me what to do
To take back control?
How you keep Emily so chill?
Victor
Emily knows the score.
Rocky
(completely beaten)
What’s the score?
Victor
I lay down the LAW.
Rocky
You lay down the law?
Victor
I lay down the RULES.
Rocky
You lay down WHAT rules?
Victor
Custody of the eyes.
(Points to his eyes)
Takin’ care of business.
(Points to dick)
Should she transgress-
Smack of my hand!
(Smacks his hand)
No shame in my game!
Rocky
(Awestruck)
You hit her?
Victor
No man! That shit can
Get you in trouble!
Spanking, dude! Don’t you know
Nothing? Chicks relish a paddling
Their Daddies trained them.
Rocky
Hardcore! If I could man up
You think Darla’d
Come back?
(Brainstorm)
Or I could go down on her?
Wouldn’t she love me?
(Victor cuffs him on the side of the head)
Victor
Snap out of it, sap
Don’t give her
That power – you’re
Swelling her head: she’s
Full of herself!
Don’t be an idiot!
Rocky
I know she’d
Taste sweet!
Sweeter than
Strawberries in …
Blueberry schnapps.
(Victor cuffs him on both sides of the head)
Victor
Sober up, Soy boy!
You’re getting’ all pussified
Now’s time for STRATEGY,
Unrolling our game theory.
Who holds the whip hand?
Rocky
(Incredulous, points to himself)
I hold the whip hand?
Victor
SHE holds the whip hand
Right now, you poor bastard
She’ll keep trading “up”
Till she meets her match.
Rocky
Darla meet her match?
How’s THAT gonna happen?
Victor
When someone insults her.
That’s the only way
That girls stay chill
When they’re trying to please you.
Rocky
(mystified)
Who insults Darla?
They’d have to be CRAZY ‘cause.
Darla is PERFECT.
Victor
It may be too late for you,
My poor savaged brutha.
You may be too far gone.
Trust Oscar to school her
Watch Oscar play caveman.
Girls gotta learn sometime –
Men demand satisfaction.
Rocky
Darla’s thinking
Her shit don’t stink!
Victor
You’re catching on –
I knew there had to be some reason
You’re my best friend.
(They lock arms, trade signs, bump fists)
The fine art of
Insult – it’s a thing
You can learn.
Keep her off balance.
Make her think
She knows nothing. She
Checks in with you
To see what’s coming next.
If YOU’RE never satisfied
She’s doubting HERSELF.
(he shrugs)
They learn not to gamble
They’re safer at home.
And when they’re at home –
They’re not outside
Foraging.
Rocky
So say I wrote a
A mean text –
Like, REALLY cold –
Victor
(to the audience)
This guy is desperate!
(He shakes Rocky)
No, no, no!
Forget about Darla!
Everything bad comes
From wanting too much
That’s what the prophets say
Love them and leave them,
There’s your ticket.
Eyes on the prize
We’re all about Oscar because
Oscar’s the problem
It’s Oscar we’re shading!
Rocky
Oscar?
Victor
Yeah, Oscar!
Who else we been
Dissing? Let HIM
Get in trouble,
Let HIM do the dirty work!
Rocky
But I want her so bad.
Victor
Patience, dog.
Just pay attention.
Remember Romeo/Juliet?
Back in ninth grade?
Rocky
What’s school got to do with
Anything important?
Victor
It’s a story’s proving that
The more you
Separate couples
The hotter they get.
Rocky
Was THAT what that dumb play
Was about? Finally, some truth!
Victor
Leave everything
To me.
Rocky
(hopeful)
You’ll help me?
Victor
(contemptuous)
Don’t I always help you?
What are homies for?
(Rocky throws himself into Victor’s arms)
Rocky
You’re such a brother!
Victor
It’s time to get even.
Rocky
Who with? Coach?
Victor
(shouts)
OSCAR! Look at this poser!
He’s all flushed with success!
Throwing OUR football and
Wearing her panties!
Rocky
Oh no – I can’t take it.
Victor
So duck out of sight.
(To the audience)
Listen and learn.
Alysse Aallyn 