Wild With Possibility: teen diaries of Alysse Aallyn

Wed 20 Sept 67

There are people in the world who think I have potential. Dan, for one. I was so grateful to him for the good things he said I almost cried. He called me last night during dinner and I was glad to hear from him, wondering what he did when he was here (I took a sleepover.) Said he visited Master Gwill and they discussed ME. Master Gwill says the reason people think I’m not honest is that I’m so honest! Thank you very much! Usually I can’t be bothered to lie – it makes me feel they’ve won. (Using Artful Measures usually fails dismally anyway.)

Dan says his sister Janie disapproves of our dating. (Of course she does – she rooms with Marnie.)

I love love LOVE George Bernard Shaw such a charming, reasonable man. His preface to St Joan is so delightful! Are there any other dramatists skilled at the expository style?

Fri 22 Sept 67
Why spoil love by turning it into Valhalla? Valhalla is for dead people. Every time a magazine article appears about Sick Sex Morals of Today’s Youth there’s an answering barrage of letters from housewives who are so Sorry for us for “giving up” the Sacred Night of Love with your Eternal, Glorious, God-Mandated Virginal Husband. It bothers me that they don’t realize calling your wedding day “the happiest day of your life” sounds more like a sentence than a reward. It’s all downhill after that is hardly a recommendation!

I’ve got enough rules thank you very much. “I can’t send him a KOB till he sends me one” I can’t ask him till he asks me” I can’t kiss him till he kisses me” and I CERTAINLY can’t say I love him until he says he loves me! I don’t blame the senior boys for their rage over this mess, the problem is, inertia’s not an answer.

Dan called me Thurs the fiftieth time this week. I called him back as “Juanita Devereux” (he says his frat brother think he’s married.) He was VERY depressed. I couldn’t think what else to say when he said nobody cared anything about him, I said I LOVE YOU. The deadest silence. (What an idiot I am.) Finally I asked, “Have you committed suicide?”
“Did you mean what you just said?”

Uh oh. I love you, I love my dog – we’re both grasping at straws here. I tried telling him that the wonderful way he has treated me has made me love him. He’s very lovable. ANYBODY WOULD LOVE HIM. I could tell it’s not quite what he wanted to hear.

In Bible class we discussed what a shock it is to discover there is a world apart from your perceptions. If your perceptions are screwed up YOU COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING. True, too true. But does it MATTER? (Think of Van Gogh.)

Fri 23 Sept 67
Dan asked me to sleep with him! He says he has a doctor who will “work” with me. Uh oh. You know I don’t like mixing work & play! Plus I’m scared of pills – read a hideous article in the Ladies Home Journal. On the other hand Liesl Cahill has taken them for her skin for two years and they work great. She always remembers. (She hasn’t had sex though.)

I told him so far I like the idea of foam. Supposedly 100% effective if you use it every time! Dan said it would be like “screwing a cream puff.” Is that so bad?

I could do worse than Dan and I know it. He is gentle, he has experience, he is insanely in love with me. Unfortunately the whole Casey thing still bothers me. And I wouldn’t be able to date here. I’d be “taken”. And we wouldn’t even be seeing each other all that much! There’s just an aura of doom hovering over the whole thing. Frankly I was hoping for something different. I don’t like the thought of being punctured like a beer can. I’m so afraid I will “belong” to him I some irritatingly final way.

We talked to one am and he asked what I was wearing. Blue and white striped nightshirt, pieds nu – and you?

Only a pair of levis. Aaahh…bare chested. (He has a very nice chest.) God men’s chests are beautiful. When I am not around him though I feel shivers of ice cold doubt. Is it because I’m afraid he could “get” to me? That I couldn’t stay free? Don’t know. Dithering. I am afraid of revealing myself. I find myself very unwilling to go to his college. Now why’s that? I don’t want to experience it as “a girlfriend”. What if I am attracted by his roommates? (I can hear them laughing in the background when he’s on the phone.)

Senior Pictures – attempting to maintain a Spiritual Expression forty-five seconds at a time is foul.

Senior Class Party a cattle market. Wore the gold wool dress that matches my hair. We inspect each other for weapons & wounds. Reed asked me to dance! I said sure! He danced poorly but with great concentration. I kept up a smile rictus the whole time but we were both glad it was over. Whew! Danced with Ed, Chip and the rosy-cheeked English exchange student Rob Severn who said he DISLIKED the Doors! Who could dislike Light My Fire? It’s like hating Shakespeare – our Shakespeare.

Danced with Reed one more time which I thought was unbelievably brave (he must be high.) He clearly hated the whole thing. He and Marnie cast weird looks at each other like they’d cooked something up together but maybe I’m hypersensitive. I hope he thinks of the good times we had.

Casey cornered me on the Senior Stairs demanding to know how far Dan and I have gone. NOWHERE I said. (Didn’t mention his offer.) She tried to get me angry but I was humble. She doesn’t want to hurt me she only wants to hurt herself and I can sympathize. We were interrupted by a cry of Phone Call!

She said, “It’s probably for you. It’s probably Dan.”

It was for me. It was Dan. He asked if he’d “pulled me out of a party” (very cute when he’s jealous) I said I was talking to Casey. He said, “Christ!”

I’d just seen Dial M for Murder the 2nd time – such a lovely movie! How I love the glitter in Ray Milland’s eyes, the velvet in his voice! Talked to Dan about it. I think Hitchcock’s my favorite. Don’t like Psycho that much but Vertigo and Rear Window are fabulous.

He was depressed again. Cheered him up by singing “Willst du mit mir schlaffen, schlaffen” to the music of Jacob’s Ladder. (But my German is bad so then I have to sing, “Soldiers of the Lord.”) He laughed.

He said one nice thing. His roommates asked what I was like and he said, “Very, very, beautiful.” Aaahh… Way to a girl’s heart.

I told him I would probably sleep with him “eventually”. It gave me such pleasure to say it. We can’t do it tomorrow or in NY so I have plenty of time to chicken out.

1:00 AM
I hug myself as I prowl the cold dark halls. Took two Copes but I don’t think they do anything. Aynsley’s bed is realistically stuffed with an Alibi since she has to be in McKenzie’s room or McKenzie would be alone. Blew through Norah Lofts’ The Concubine. I understand Anne so well – scheme and work for something for years, then undo it in a moment. If I walk enough, I can sleep.

Mon 25 Sept 67
Feeling constricted by my Insane Relationship with Dan. Couldn’t I choose a guy who gradated from a DIFFERENT prep school? This one knows everything about Him and me and seemingly by osmosis, Us. No, it isn’t very pretty what a town without pity etc. Freedom and pride, the two main things I’ve always worked for, seem completely absent. No pleasure either. This relationship can’t work because neither of us is willing to be the other’s “love toy.”

I shouldn’t have told him I love him, it would have been truer to say I need him. Or would that be worse?

I’d wish I had Casey’s amorality but I don’t want her memories. They torment her.
Dan and I lay in the grass yesterday and I had to admit I didn’t want him. I didn’t WANT his body covering mine – I wanted to be alone in my bed reading the NY Times! I said, “Sorry, maybe I’m frigid.” Maybe I really am! (Definitely with him.) He said he felt like he’d been kicked in the crotch, lit a cigarette and tried to think. He wanted me to try anyway but No. I have to feel it. C’est moi, c’est tout.

The truth is we aren’t as comfortable in each other’s presence as we are on the phone. It’s getting creepy now, him hanging around his alma mater. After lunch he talked to Casey half an hour but told me later, “Nothing is solved.”

He said he’s been too abrupt, he needs to forget his own pain and he would wait for me “forever and ever.” This is NOT what I wanted to hear. I said, “I don’t think we’re right for each other” which was not what HE wanted to hear. Impasse. When he left he said whatever makes me happy makes him happy. Here’s the problem with that: I’m not happy.

Vespers calculated to “lift me higher” – moody Germanic music. Reed came onstage with his usual purposeful lope. Spoke well – I was surprised. Must have forsworn the Evil Weed. Spoke about the ARTIFICIALITY of the PLUMLY DATING SCENE. He is very dismissive of artificial markers. KOBS are just “pieces of paper.” A grade is just a “piece of paper”. A driver’s license is just a “piece of paper”. A marriage license is…you guessed it. This does not cut much ice with Me, the Archivist! I whirl in paper most days like a gerbil in a nest and I like it that way. I think paper is REALER THAN WE ARE. (Because it outlives us.) So there.

Dan called Mon, pulling me out of lunch. He always calls at meals, presumably to starve me into thinness. It won’t work – I can eat through nausea, interruptions, anything. I have a hoard of revolting “emergency” sugar cookies in a lockbox beneath my bed. I told him to call me at nine.
He called me at nine. He just wants to be my friend and love me from a distance and give me things. I should NEVER have told him I loved him but I was wild for affection. Now our relationship is absolutely ruined. I made him promise to stop saying he loves me and stop saying I’m beautiful. Not how friends talk.

He agreed! Wow! He really must love me. There is no kindness greater than the kindness of someone who eases your fear.

Sun 1 Oct 67
Revolution in the soul. The hurt we inflict on others is our own hurt, caused by our chains. Girls have been taught to make themselves as attractive as a dinner or a piece of jewelry and the number of broken men grasping after them is a mark of success. I can no longer look at fashion magazines. Glamour sickens me. Our souls are in rags. Feeling horribly guilty about Dan but I can’t imagine how to fix it. Angry that a perfectly healthy seventeen year old girl has to torment herself with the demon of frigidity just to make him feel better. (All the guys say I’m “cold’.)

Poor Genevieve! Mom gave me her ruthless scorching letter in which she accused Mom & Dad of being “schizophrenic”. (She’s studying psychology at school.) I agreed with Mom that a daughter shouldn’t talk to her mother that way (it sounded like she was writing a paper) on the other hand Mom shouldn’t be showing it to ME! And they do want two PERFECTLY IMPOSSIBLE things from us. For instance I can’t get over the notion that Mom wants me to fail in order to prove herself right. (She says I go about everything the exactly wrong way. But if you want to run your own life what other way is there? Her argument seems to be shut down your brain and let others take over!

Dan and I were in the train station Sat night surrounded by other couples. I felt you could judge the “success” of each of their dates simply by looking at them. Variations on hope & distance – trying to “feel together”. Bloody hard. Feel I’ll never have “a date” again. My mind will be rushing to “the ending”. How can I flirt and show myself off? I will be like a crone from a Depression era play moaning, Doom, doom! I don’t want reality any more!

Reed in the infirmary. When I went down to have my TB shot checked I asked if I could say “hi” the nurse agreed but said darkly, “Be quick about it. And no carrying on!” She then said he NEEDS a visitor because he keeps his eyes shut and his lights off.

I knocked on his door in case he was sleeping and he said, “Yes”.
He has such a nice voice.

“May I come in?”
Didn’t identify myself.

He looked so young and pathetic with his hair messed up wearing a hospital gown.

I sat down on the other bed so nervous I was speechless. Kept remembering that horrible scene win the library with Shawn which answers the question YES you CAN make things worse!
I ran my fingers over his guitar wishing I had the nerve to ask him to play. Asked if he was getting poetry out of this experience, he said he hadn’t thought about it. He was very polite – I was relieved – Shawn is a skilled cross-examiner and Reed is not. He is more natural. I said we were all worried about him. He thanked me for coming.

I left feeling confident that he is not my enemy. Shawn on the other hand…

Had to wait a whole hour for Dan at the 69th st. station but I had a book. Then we immediately went shopping. It is sad, I feel no desire for him at all. Where did it go? We both want to know.
He bought champagne and cognac so he can make French 75s back at Villanova. Then said he wanted to go to the book dept where he was embarrassed to have me see him buying a book Mixing Drinks. He is shamed by not knowing everything! I say we don’t have to bother memorizing things if we have enough books!

Arrived at the Penn St house 4 pm, Mom forgot to leave a key but the landlady was in. I made us bacon & eggs and tea with oranges, then left him downstairs with a magazine while I took a long, glorious bath. DID NOT WANT TO GET OUT OF THAT BATHTUB.

Dressed in my “Thanksgiving dress” might as well – he might not get another chance to see it. Called Aynsley to see if my shike had gone as planned – she signed me in & out without a hitch. (She spent the whole day shiking in Media!)

Dan and I took the train into Philly and saw Privilege. I love cinema verité! The principal actors were not extraordinary but the supporting cast was outstanding! “Britain in the Near Future” only 5 yrs from now! Not just possible but realistic.

After the movie, dancing at the Trauma. Dan was so depressed I am starting to get irritated with him. People were packed in tight to hear the Youngbloods but Mandrake Memorial played first. I remembered them from Junior Wells days! They weren’t as bad as I recalled. Jesse Colin Young is electrifying! He has such a mellow, sleepy, hypnotic voice. I fell in love with him right there (I’m afraid Dan could tell.) “I hope he won’t look at you twice” he said nervously. (We were right up front.) They are as good as the Blues Project. But there were really too many people and we had to leave. I was getting claustrophobia from having Dan’s hands all over me.

On the way home we talked it out well. Somehow I dredged up the courage to tell him I’m just not ready in my life. I didn’t say something about his life is putting me off because what good would that do? But he insisted on spending the night with me in the other twin bed.
Very chaste! He still wanted to talk but I drank a glass of water and fell asleep immediately.
The alarm woke us at 4:30. I pretended to be asleep in the subway so I wouldn’t have to make conversation. He liked having my head on his shoulder.

At 69th street he didn’t expect me to kiss him so just a hurried goodbye. Brrr! Walking from Milltown to Plumly at 7:15 AM on a Sunday morning is a glorious experience! Birds singing, etc. I was on time for chapel. Noticed Reed was out of the infirmary. I gave a reading saying it is not the POINT that matters but the pursuit of the point while Miss Beeston nodded her head uncontrollably (she “agrees” with everything now.) Down to the Crypt to pick up my NY Times. Then slept the light week of the wicked. “We are but a moment’s sunlight, fading on the grass…”

11:25 PM Wed 4 Oct 67
Lonely. It’s feast or famine around here and what food there is, is none too good. Waves of contempt from Shawn & Reed whenever I run into them. But Ted, Kip and new student from Kenya Bob Burke being very nice to me.

Aynsley HATES when I keep the lights on (and candles are illegal) so I’m under the covers with a flashlight again. I die for sleep all day then when night comes I could not be more awake.
In two months I will be 18 – an adult. Called Mom last night (because I can’t call Dan) and said Cheer me up. (Dan called Casey to tell her to tell me not to call him any more! How you can misjudge people!) Mom didn’t do a very good job (she wants to hear my “plans”) but I was able to disguise my tears. I seem to have reached a jumping off place in my life. One shouldn’t have to apologize for change as if it was a weakness.

Casey and I in detention together because we went for a walk bra-less to the lake! How we wanted to penetrate that smooth dark mirror! So we did…after a few moments in became quite warm. Then we lay on the dock with our soaking hair. Even shivers were welcome!

When I got back a KOB from Simon Matthews asking me to Fall Dance. It’s imperative that I accept or I’m sunk around here. He’s in the Kobler-Hambro clique! So at least he has the ability to think for himself. He seems nice enough but I wish I could do the choosing. I wonder I it’s because I nominated him to be School Day Art Teacher (he’s good at art.) He got it too.

Got a letter from Dan saying the exact reverse of what he said in his phone call to Casey – that he is getting tickets to The Homecoming (Pinter) because he knows I want to see it so much!
So I don’t know what to do. I DO want to see it so much!

“Je suis allé au marché aux a la feraille
Et j’ai acheté des chaînes, les chaînes pour toi…”

A weird sick letter from Robin! Says he will write again when he gets out of the Navy! Oh, please spare me his militarized self!

Feel like maybe now I could sing myself to sleep… “I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in and keeps my mind from wandering…where it will go…” with my luck if I fall asleep there will be a fire drill.