How to get my inner development synchronized with my outer existence? In other words, develop a professional life. I did realize I needed a string of degrees ā how coordinate that with my abhorrence of Higher Ed? Enroll at one of the Antioch College experimental schools ā the one in Columbia, Md, for a degree in Creative Writing.
People often translate āserendipityā as āluckā ā highly desirable and a very rare commodity. I think it translates better as āsurpriseā ā equally desirable and much more common. Itās easy to imagine yourself into a modality where everythingās a surprise ā as it is for a three year old or a friendly and excitable dog.
Warriors enjoy surprise. We ride its drafts, like a hawk aboard breezes. Seen this way, all life becomes a joy.
Art is built on a framework of serendipity and so are warriors. The idea is to take advantage of whatās around, use your imagination to aggregate seemingly unconnected objects/ideas and shepherd them into usable, satisfying and constructive formats. Usable for what? To get where youāre trying to go. Natch. Share the surprise.
The āwarriorā ethos first emerges when we bump up against the āforcesā trying to block us. What are these forces? Sometimes individual people, but more usually combinations of people, working together to pound you into a shape for their purposes, not for yours. Theyāre not interested in imagination and surprise, but in coercion and control. It doesnāt take much observation to uncover their conviction that all resources and power belong to them, and you should cooperate with that. Why? The pay-off is mutable and unclear, but the punishments are stark and immediate.
Warriors become wily. Serendipity itself ā its recognition, use & joy ā all in our corner. Their side is having a miserable time and they have to crank up the addictions to get through it. We, on the other hand, are finding invisible breezes. And riding them.
The desire to participate in the world of art hit me early. As a young teen, I was fascinated by the internecine struggles of the Trojan War and the Wars of the Roses. History was a family story, history was a crime story. Books for children ā the Narnia stories, for example, couldnāt match the explosive, desperate sweep of historical intrigue. I had a facility with English that allowed me to āopt outā of language drills ā I read the encyclopedia instead, which was full of improbable information. I loved reading to the class, and the class loved to have me read to them.
When I entered boarding school at age 14 I really began to write in earnest. But the faculty did not like what I wrote. Moby Dick and the writings of John Steinbeck were seriously offered to me as models. This was the first moment I chose the Warrior Path. I complained that we were not reading any female authors and in fact, made a resolve never to read male authors again (I broke it for the Russians, who were feminine enough for me ā especially Turgenev.) I liked Colette, so I read Francoise Sagan. I modeled myself on them ā they were literally anathema at my school to such an extent that I decided not to go to college and pursued acting school instead.
That was a dumb decision literally no one helped me with but by that time I had discarded The Appropriate Path to such an extent I donāt know if anyone could have reasoned me out of it since Adult World seemed so desperately stupid to me. What I chose ā I thought ā was the world of inspiration where magic could be created, second by second.
From the very beginning I didnāt like doing the same thing as other people. What was the point of that? If someone ordered the same food as me, I changed my order. I was surprised that people would want to do the same thing at the same time. As I grew older, enthusiasm was ruthlessly damped down and my possibilities seemed to harden. Who other people thought you were was āegoā. And they wanted you to stay in that place. Much as I wanted to be admired, maybe even cherished, I could see this categorizing was limiting. A very bad thing. But how to get out of it seemed a conundrum. How can you view the situation youāre in from a point of view you donāt actually have? Lucky for us, thereās imagination! If we are really lucky, imagination crystallizes into Art.
I discovered we donāt have to settle for Ego, for making ourselves distinct from other people. Artists are shape-shifters ā they all the best lines, all the brightest colors, giving themselves the best possibilities.
When the āmultiverseā became popular, I wasnāt surprised. I was used to living several lives at once.
Itās a different challenge coming in to oneself in a large family. Iāve never been certain since which part of me is my real self and which part is my sisters. Certainly the push-pull with my 18 month older sister Genevieve had a significant effect on me. You could argue that she forced me to become a warrior, in order to resist her.
Genevieve was a natural leader ā she rewarded complicity and punished rebellion. The escapades I adventured on with her ā stringing the entire house with yarn like a maze, filling the kitchen with sand ā were enormous fun, even though they got us into trouble. But I often wanted to be alone and discovered that if I climbed into the highest branches of the cooper beech I could read peacefully. No one could get at me there.
Reader of Trees
I was the only one who knew your bark
Was better than your bite
I could resist you there
Climbing higher just to
Become myself
Dragging books into branches
Like a jaguar storing prey – fairy tales – The Iliad – Egyptian magic – That was how it started
At last, fireside peace. Finally got the baby to sleep pressed against my body in the bed, then managed to substitute a pillow.
He seems fussy lately ā reacting I think to the general disorganization of streams of family & visitors. Also, I may be drinking too much caffeine. Fix that.
itās surprising how little you can get done while baby-tending. The books warn ā naps more important than housework. Can read while breastfeeding thank God. Starve without brain matter.
Today read almost all of Stoneās The Mystery of B Traven. Love this mania for self-concealment! 1:45 AM ā Just back from Suttonās ā a delightful evening playing āDictionary.ā Shane gave me an exhausting early eve but he slept 3 and 1/2 hrs at Suttonās like an angel. Sutton said he transferred funds to our joint acct at Kidder but we no longer have a joint acct at Kidder. T. says, āProbably mine, then.ā Well, heās not my father.
Our first night here was a nightmare ā Toss a crazy man. House very cold and took some time to warm. Toss frantic about the baby who was perfectly warm but cried harassingly. In the AM he apologized. I always feel brutalized by his anger ā seems he makes no effort to control it. He thinks everything I do is to āspiteā him. What is the cause of this? Must have been Lois. She is pretty strange.
Outside this bedroom in the winter living room Toss & Dom & friends re-living the dictionary game ā recounting the funny definitions. Finished feeding Shane and now waiting for him to fall deeply enough asleep that I can move him to his crib.
My press now an obsession. Every book is compared to my inner books. Last night intercourse first time! I was nervous because inside vagina has strange raw feeling tight but not painful. Shane clucking. Better turn out light.
12:30 PM Sun 3 Jan 82 ā StormFall Review of book about the creative process quotes the theory that the artist must āstop before coming to premature closureā – closing off options too soon. Later, in discussion of life of Meyer Levin reviewer produces astonishing analysis of the way writers try to answer critics objection WHILE WRITING and that is āresponsibleā (i.e. bank-worthy.) Further along in a review of Why Bad Things Happen to Good People writer concludes that God is powerless to stop the consequences of the world He set in motion!! He āweepsā but canāt help!! Unbearably wrong-headed. Shows how religious tenets can go in one ear and out the other while the thinker THINKS he has understood. (Of course Judaism is different.)
Christ prayed the cup would pass ā it didnāt but the story doesnāt end there. He ROSE! They all saw it!
2:40 PM Baby cried so couldnāt continue. Sad about leaving but eager to get home. The exit always puts me at odds with T and emphasizes my powerlessness. Weāll leave when he is ready at the most inconvenient time. He can promise nothing. Now he has committed us to taking soup with Sutton & Pansy which I am determined he will retract. Thank God I have SOME money and can protect myself from Housewife Madness. Feeling fat and ugly now and I was feeling beautiful before I came ā a psychic manifestation of my powerlessness. Suttonās house a fount of luxury. Toss agitates to seem successful around him instead of honestly stating difficulties & truths. I always feel the problem boils down to loss of identity ā I feel like a ghost. The artist cannot allow herself Fear of the Unknown. Everyone else hedges ā I want to leap.
Groverās Mill 4:30 PM ā Tues 5 Jan 82 Feeling better. Anxiety level high yesterday but read The First 12 Months of Life that says after 3 mos the crying stops āmagicallyā! Baby begins to play by himself! OK! I āmagicallyā felt less fatigue (fatigue is helplessness with me.)
Baby dozing in the Swing-o-matic but wakes the instant it slows. Hoping to finish first coat of paint on the crib so he can be in his own room by the end of the week.
Charlene stopped by to see the baby. Why does she depress me?
Suggested to Julio & Gretchen that they make a book of his photos of Maine & her poems and I will try to sell it for them. Labor of love. So many good artists out there discouraged by climate of rejection. Do you need mind as well as hide of rhino?
I set Sept 82 as press beginning ā I will have $7000 of Corning.
Toss says he & Lois will start paying themselves out of Faircross ā this will revolutionize our lives. Yesterday baby was sleepier allowing me to catch up on Psychology Today, N.Y Review of Books and My Search for B Traven which would make good novel.
9:40 PM ā Shane asleep from 7:15 to 9:30 allowing us to have a lengthy, peaceful sit-down dinner! Toss very excited about condos wants me to type condo docs. We could get Margaret to watch Shane. Itās only 50 p. Unfortunately, itās due Fri and I canāt finish by then! He approved Sept as start-off for press.
Tues. 12 Jan 82 ā 11 AM Enjoying late breakfast downstairs after weekend trauma. Shane dozing in swing. Total nightmare weekend typing condo docs, spelling each other. Sat night we went out but that was traumatic too because we were away from Shane too long ā 6 1/2 hrs ā kept calling Margaret. Dinner and LOONG movie (Reds) too much! In future only one or the other. I stayed up trying to express milk ā got only 3 oz which T used next AM trying to let me sleep. Worked on docs till 2 PM then dressed to drive to Loisā go see Louise. Louise āupā, intelligent, appreciated Shane who unfortunately went on crying jag. Louise didnāt get to hold him as much as she liked. Back at Loisā worked on condo docs till 12:20 ā Shane obligingly slept ā then the car wouldnāt start. Record cold night ā 2 above zero ā homeless being rounded up ā still, five deaths. So, we couldnāt leave and spent the night at Loisā. I took the Daytimer catalog to bed with me and fell asleep choosing stationery for Quixota, my new press.
Baby now playing, yawning, stretching beside me, the beauty. Lois & T had 9:15 AM with Heritage Savings who will probably be their lender. After the cold night, Loisā car wouldnāt work and they had to take a cab. Shane and I managed a bath together. They didnāt return till 4:15 PM. Theyād had a good day, felt the situation promising. Lois offered to make dinner – so went to work on car batteries ā next thing we knew it was 7 PM and Shane was deteriorating. All my efforts to give him away were for naught ā I had to collapse in tears and go upstairs to howl. T. brought Shane upstairs when he collapsed into an exhausted sleep and I was able to go downstairs at 8 PM and wolf a chicken.
Then T & I left for our glorious home! At midnight with me swearing not to move till Babyās christening. We discovered hot water pipes had burst (owing to cold) but we do have cold water. Called plumber today ā they are coming but canāt say when. Shane sitting bad-temperedly in his swing ā grumpy Baby Emperor. If he sinks into a doze, I will, too.
Thought about nothing but press all weekend. Trying to decide whether to allow Daisy to place them in bookstores or just go with mail order. Trouble with mail order is huge advertising budget! I want to be ruthless now that I am publisher and have everything done my way ā maybe G & Jās book as calendar? Shane fussing.
8:15 PM Fri 15 Jan 82 Shane lying in his crib transfixed by his windup mobile ā talking to it ā especially purple hippo for which he cherishes extravagant fondness.
A good day ā school out so Margaret didnāt come ā wanted to be with her sons. Fine with me ā Iām not quite ready to write.
Shane marvelously agreeable ā only one bout of tears right before nap. Only 3 hrs sleep today bodes well for night. 7 Hrs last night!!! Toss due home in half hour ā had to go to bank and missed his train.
Reading Dworkinās Pornography ā unbearably uncomfortable ā especially for men! Her elegant writing anger infused ā balance perfect. True, cogent, exact but does not express the blade of grass ALWAYS pushing upwards thru cement. The world may be a desert ā yet deserts are hives of activity. Unexpected flowerings. Itās true that Iām disgustingly spoiled by the perfections of Toss. He is violent in his anger and his rage flames hot but it is not directed at me in a way that leaves me choiceless. And always there is his exquisite tenderness ā the heart of his passion so personal ā never a moment when he cannot be touched. (He gave his gloves to a cold bag lady this weekend ā MENSā gloves? She said!)
If I were Dworkin, I would despair.
And then there is the ecstasy the religious dimension gives to life! Otherwise the purposelessness & cruelty would be soul-killing ā human aspiration and hypocrisy the sand constantly creating a tortuous itch. I see life now as a war only won by love. Thousand small trivial triumphs ā looks- smiles ā glances ā tiny actions ā seem to melt to nothing when extinguished by violence as Christ seemingly was ā but he WON.
So shall we. Yesterday womenās group first time in six weeks. How time has flown! Daphne Hawkes seemingly smaller ā more tentative ā less powerful than I remember ā psalm 31 newly moving.
First article about psychoanalysis (New Yorker) much better than second one. If only one had endless money & time! Think about Avrilās fear ā that pain exhumed will rise up and annihilate us. Neglect PLUS fear of abandonment are Mom & Dadās legacy!
So many unanswered questions. When Mom seemed not to hear us was she really in a trance or just pretending? Dissociative state from childhood abuse? Genevieve and I have discussed this ā we were completely unable to get her attention. She seemed frozen. Didnāt even flicker. Whereād she go? She was raised in isolated conditions with no Mom, (not allowed to have friends over or bring them to her house.)
She was always āoverwhelmedā and could alleviate her guilt by smothering Avril. She clings to Daddy like a lifebuoy, like sheās HIS child.
Telling his children we were going to be āpoorā when we moved to Africa was probably a mistake. He just wanted to instill frugality but it was a bombshell in a childās world and certainly not accurate. NOT told about Uncle Charlesā inheritance or Dadās portfolio. In Brockton public school my experience with poverty was intimate & scary. That friend who slept on the floor, whose parents had beer but no furniture. It hurt physically, like hunger.
I dealt with it by sleepwalking & hypochondria about blindness & disease (not too paranoid in Africa.) Parents Victorian in their ability to refuse information. Avrilās isolation from the rest of us almost too painful to recall.
Dad sneered at and made fun of our schooling, friends, religion, parents. No system was āgoodā enough for us. He said news & history was lies & propaganda. TV & movies were crass manipulation and teachers were ignorant. You canāt just say that and then send kids back to school! No expertise allowed or acknowledged. Parents always mildly surprised when we got jobs.
I recall my religious longings quite clearly. First I thought āGodā was a dirty word because people acted so weird about it. Brockton had no Friends meeting and the Methodist Sunday School we attended a few times (Mom and Dad dropped us off, didnāt attend the church) was confusing and meaningless. When Mom read us the 23rd psalm, we jeered at it the way weād been taught and she cried! Then of course Dad yelled at us!
Being unwillingly in āthe vanguardā certainly feels like being an outcast! Donāt know how to help Avrilās depression ā my badgering psychoanalytic/spiritual letters arenāt welcome. We were fated to follow the pattern of Dadās growth, whatever that might be.
Last Thanksgiving when we played the game āpsychiatristā. Mom said the year sheād like to live over was the summer of 1958, cruising the Georgian Bay. The closest we got to perfect family happiness. A weirdly frozen unchangingness. Isolated from everyone! Produces an anguished Sisyphean yearning thatās with me still.
I did better with the loneliness. Avril fears to re-live it. Mom actually carries it around inside her like a dead baby!
My curiosity: what future did they envision for us? They acted so weird about basic mental health ā ātoo bad youāre that wayā instead of encouraging āgoodā choices. Because there was no good path? When we followed their with husbands, children, they didnāt react with any particular glee. Julio & Kent were run through the wringer and would state right now Mom and Dad loathed them. Both my weddings were icy, much as I tried to rewrite the family. I think they worked out the personal animosities of their relationship over our quivering live bodies.
Dadās insistence that the only college possible was Chevenix, the only belief system acceptable was Quakerism so weirdly rigid. We could never ādiscoverā anything, it had already been discovered. I think our efforts at crawling into adulthood were actively repulsed. We clocked in, admiring of them and their āsuccessā, allowing things to be done for us. Behind the pain lies rage; both endlessly intensifying. Gen & I fought back ā Avril & Merrill endlessly victimized.
Donāt want to see Ezra today, donāt feel I have anything new to talk about. I could discuss his book ā if Iād read it.
4 more days of school. Tolerable, definitely. Think Iāll start a conscious course of praying for Avril ā see what happens.
10:25 AM Thurs 18 Dec 80 Should be correcting papers but canāt face it yet. Looking forward to a breather from school. Wish I could go to church every day but thereās nothing nearby. Hoping it will be different when I go to Fordham. Paulist church too big ā I liked Church of the Resurrection on E 77th.
Pretending to look at the floating countryside I eavesdrop on conversations behind me ā art dealers: āAre you ever asked about your credentials?ā Answer, āNo, never. They only ask about credentials when youāre applying for low-paying jobs.ā
Christmas shapes up interestingly. Caroling in Haverford Sun, Christmas eve with the Brintons till 4, then dinner with Louise. Christmas Day with Lois. Avril 26th and Genevieve 27th. Douglas cocktail party 28th. Shawn Kobler to dinner sometime after that.
NEW YEARāS RESOLUTIONS
Get up earlier, go running with T
Write in diary every day ā match flow of life to flow of thought.
Go to church oftener
Christmas Day, noon ā 80 An extravagant morning of love with my honey brings me out of the depression Iāve had since Mon. Came back from an awful day of school to hear about Tossās interview with his fatherās lawyer friend ā no dice. T comes from the wrong law school, nobodyās hiring. They wonāt even hire from Temple ā they recruit at āpremierā schools in junior year. T. feels certain he wants to start out soloing. Iām scared of the insecurity but Iām not pregnant and we have no rent ā itās the perfect time. Then T said he wanted to buy a word processor which we fought about for the rest of the night with T becoming so angry he almost strangled me. Nightmare visions of my first marriage kept floating in front of my eyes.
Capital can only be spent on state of the art equipment to impress everyone ā then we sit back and wait for the money to roll in. Which it never does. Why not rent a word processor?
He plans to open his office in his motherās house. I think we ought to wait till he has some business first. I offered to help. āNo, Alysse,ā he said coldly, āIām not going into law partnership with you.ā Whew!
He pointed out the āthousandsā weāre losing because Iām going to school, not working ā dirty pool! Took it back later. If Mom & Dad werenāt paying for school HOW would I justify it to myself?
He says that makes him feel like shit ā i.e he wishes I was POORER. I said he really needs to settle something with Lois about the rent ā nothingās formalized. If the plan is free-lancing and risk, sheās an investor in his future. God, to have $8,000 a year of my own it seems so MINGY. Why canāt I bring that in from writing? Why do I always end up in these trackless wastes?
10:15 AM Fri Dec 26 ā 80 Excellent Christmas. Part of what made it so good was limited time with everyone except Lois! Wednesday spent one hour with Brintons, one hour with Lois! Then a long scary ride home with a blowout ā but it didnāt happen on the ice and Toss was able to change it in record time.
Yesterday at Brandywine with Lois 3:30-7:30 then again 10-11:30. (A bit much.) Intervening time helping Granma in Haverford put up tree & exchange gifts. T was a perfect love, a divine angel. Much cleaning of the house now to get ready for Avril.
12:45 AM 30 Dec 80 – Tuesday Shouldnāt be joyous about my vacationās end but I am eager for 81!
Read Mary Hoxie Jonesā Mosaic of the Sun with a curled lip. Reminds me of Eliz Gray Vining ā holier than thou. I think Christians should be spiritually barefoot ā ready to shed baggage ā test the rope themselves instead of whining about Unwashed Youths and Angry Blacks. Such authorities on other peopleās āplaceā!
Turned to Wm Pitt Rootās The Storm ā excellent, a born poet but heavy going ā reading him too fast would give you the bends.
Now into Emily Dickinson thank GOD. What a joy. You can read her at any pace you choose ā sheās available at every level. Her organization is so original, wouldnāt translate at all. What did V. Woolf think? Should have liked & claimed her.
This burst is result of trying to prepare definitive vol of my own stuff. Sickened by my publications ā 25 in 5 years!
New Yearās Eve 1980 Tonight incomplete without ālast entry.ā Last time I tried to write T pulled me away and made love to me.
This holiday would be unalloyed happiness if it werenāt for the night of the 26th when I drank too much Jack Daniels and threw up. Stupid. Thought I was past that! Kept Avril & T from going to the film weād planned. But weāll see it tonight. Somehow makes it less shameful. Glorious private evening ā Convictās Last Meal of roast beef, potatoes au gratin, chestnuts, peas, salad, champagne, coconut custard pie.
2nd bottle champagne after film if we have stamina.
1 Jan 81 Resolution; keep better track of my life in this diary but wish I had a better life to keep track of. Particularly grim holidays while Lois repeatedly attacked Ricardo in front of everyone ā people afraid to intervene because sheāll attack THEM (my ideas were called āfoolishā and āromantic.ā) I tried teasing her by accusing her of āescort beatingā while Ricardo murmurs from the corner of the room āI forgive her – Sheās been so hurt.ā
Guess what? Lois has no sense of humor. This is my landlady. She wants to rent the Little House at highest dollar ā since thatās where our washer/dryer is we need a washer/dryer here.
No. Just no.
Sheās a weird one. When I suggested taking down a mirror so blotchy you canāt see yourself in it (it needs to be resilvered) she burst into tears and Toss attacked ME. She said she was willing however to rebind the first editions – I had to point out that destroys their value!
So thereās nothing I can say. My job is to clean (and then be criticized for it.) Toss has taken over cleaning the silver because I canāt be bothered to do it āproperlyā.
To NYC for preview of Frankenstein ā awful ā we missed dinner because our train stalled in snow. Playwright overly wedded to novel ā death after ludicrous death ā not even rescued by special effects. Off to empty little bar Vintages for late supper ruined by Seth who teases Toss mercilessly. Itās the apparent goal of this family to get a scapegoat and ride them to death. Starting to see why Sutton got the hell out ā who would stick around for this abuse?
Ricardo, it seems. And Lois doesnāt respect him one bit for it.
Boring New Yearās Eve party in Merion ā I had high hopes (they were all psychiatrists) but all they talked about was heating bills.
Got rid of Seth & Susie 4 pm ā pizza and wine dinner ā delicious lovemaking. Read The Poet ā most poems shockingly bad ā but there was one poet I liked ā Katherine Hanley ā so I wrote her a fan letter.
On the good side: almost finished Pinch of Death. T. is my soul ā so good & calm & not provoked at all by Seth who raged against Lois. Ugh. Exams next week.
Bored to shriek point by Trentās Last Case.
2 Jan 81 One final entry waiting for Sue & Seth to come so we can all catch the 4:25 to NYC.Thinking about male violence. Interesting that Toss doesnāt ārealizeā he threatens me physically. He says I must know heād never hit me but when heās angry he breaks things or grabs me by the throat. I point out I donāt do that! But most men regard womenās statement that they are continuously reminded of the threat of male violence as feminist cant!
4 Jan 81 Weather so cold itās hard to breathe. Tossās Reed roommate to dinner ā watched Murder Once Removed over chestnuts roasted in the hibachi & 2 bots white wine. Struggling with Life & Letters of John Galsworthy.
5 Jan 81 To Princeton to do laundry. Bought life of Dorothy Kilgallen and have been glued to it all day. Wretched woman. Hypnotic erosion of all her values.
Toss confides out checking acct is down to $200. Complete refusal to dislodge capital. Fortunately, Iām expecting $120 this week. NJ Bar prep starts 12th ā not soon enough for me.
6 Jan 81 Taught my class for the last time. I hate review ā itās hell. Sweating so hard I was afraid to lift my arms. Maria asked good questions ā James said he didnāt know anything about writing before ā now he does.
Had to rush to the Whitney to meet Toss & Sutton. Met Suttonās new flame, widow Pansy Burke ā seems nice. She does drop a lot of names.
Sutton dislikes Hopper. Weird! I feel itās because Hopper is not romantic enough for him. We had an uproarious dinner at The Palms ā nothing āmignonā about my filet ā it weighed at least 11 lbs. Wouldnāt be so bad if I didnāt eat it. Then brandy at brother Domās.
Get into Princeton 3 AM and our car wonāt start. Wrecker (āMotherās Recoveryā) comes at 3:45. Sleep till 1 PM then have to rush to catch the 3:05. Did a good story in Writerās class. I am despised for my āupbeat endingā ā feel mistaken for Aurelia Plath: āKeep a song in your heart.ā Professor says there are NO happy endings in Great Literature? I say what about Shakespeareās comedies. He says comedy is not drama by definition. I say what about Jane Austen? His face tells me what he thinks of HER.
On the train home I reflect on the mysteries of talent. At least 4 in class VERY talented ā what will become of us? Possibly: nothing.
I have an idea for a feminist lit mag when I get home; tell T. If we want to BE published we must publish others. My title is āThe Feathered Violinā his is āThe Burning Bush.ā Ha ha.
8 JAN 81 I wake up early to study ā making love luxuriously with T when he says āCould you tolerate coitus interruptus for once? I have to call my broker.ā
I rush into class 20 mins late to administer my own exam. Kids not punished for that ā what they ARE punished for is me being their teacher ā graded by the one supervisor who dislikes me. She flunks all my doubtfuls and Maria who should have gotten through. Requesting retest for Maria.
Long argument over dinner about language requirements in schools. Toss says I am āhostileā to his ideas. I say women are supposed to empathize & sympathize and HE doesnāt do that to MY ideas so why not say what I really think? This evolves into criticism that I expect him to pay for my education. Why donāt I take out student loans. He canāt borrow on margin for me. I say Iām paying with family money (Capital!) feeling he really wants me to see that Iām not actually āmakingā money (incontestable.) Now he is rattling dishes angrily downstairs ā his turn to wash them.
13 JAN 81 Off to Phila where T will request variance so he can have law office in his motherās house. Says this will make him feel better and I am all for it.
Lois shows off a property she is longing to develop into an Italianate palace for herself. Warns me to SAY NOTHING about it ā she is always worried people are gossiping about her. Came home to crisis ā frozen water pipe dumps water into living room. T takes a steak knife to the hall ceiling to see where the backup is and finds it.
Afraid my class is right and my novel is hopeless and can never be shown to anyone: I wrote it ātoo fastā for it to be any good. 7 yrs bad, 3 months worse. Depression.
1 Nov 80. Toss so angry when I criticized his procrastination (he keeps saying heās going to look for a job and not doing it) he pushed me into the bathtub! He denies that housework is humiliating but he doesnāt do it because he doesnāt want anyone to see him doing it. When I was having coffee in bed he pulled all the sheets off as if he was going to wash them but when I got home they were still on the floor. Guests to dinner ā in the middle of the meal he would suddenly turn and glower at me hostilely.
Horrible day at school ā EVERYONE IN THE CLASS got an F on their Prelude paper! We all had the āwrongā reaction because we had the nerve to react personally. I immediately bought my first-ever set of Cliffās Notes. If thereās a ārightā response Iām going to give it ā donāt want another F. (We all get one more chance.)
K. Mansfieldās Letters unbearably sad. She would envy Tās & my life together so much.
Sun 9 Nov 80 Thrashed it out and fell into each otherās arms. One must insist on justice but not too much. Love requires acceptance and we both are suffering. He envies me having someplace to go and I wish SOMEONE ELSE was going there! I have to give up this 50/50 concept ā our definitions are just too different. If you want it done your way you really have to do it yourself. He applied for a job in Princeton ā relief. Hope he gets it.
Still reeling from nightmarish election results. T. telling me I threw my vote (for Anderson) away.
Vet Day 11 Nov 80 Toss out sleeping in his study. Poor man. He promised he wouldnāt but the next 2 weeks will be a nightmare for him so I hate waking him. The house is at last tidy which is something thatās frustrated me for a long time. I think I talked T into my plan to paint the wicker furniture dark blue. We can use my study as the babyās room for the first year.
Just finished Sackville-Westās Challenge ā the whole course of the Violet -Vita affair laid out there.
15 Nov 80 ā 4:30 Toss and Loisā boyfriend Ricardo roofing the barn ā but itās getting dark and theyāll have to come in soon. My nerves are snapping with exciting revelations about my writing. Cut my teeth on other peopleās writing ā sharpened my tools ā now itās time to do my own thing. A bit frustrating that my Fiction is class so stuck in Stage 1.
17 Nov 80 Bad times for us get worse and worser. Intense nostalgia for my dancing days washes over me ā because I feel alienated from my own body! Part of the āpsychologyā of āgiving it upā to get pregnant I know. Need to find a dance class for fatties.
T. and I had a terrible argument about child pornography ā he says acts can be censored, ideas never. I totally disagree! One bad idea leads to another one ā you have to cut SOME of them ā bad social ones ā off at the pass. Theyāre taking up brain space you could use to think other thoughts ā it becomes a race to the bottom. He said I was trying to ācontrolā him which surprised me. Doesnāt he try to change MY thinking? Arenāt we trying to influence each other?
Fri. 21 Nov 80 Toss read my diary ā said, āI want to save you from this ogre but itās me.ā I said I have to write what I think is happening and how I feel about it! He asks ā why arenāt I controlling my own thoughts the way I recommend others do?
I say Iām trying. But we need to figure out what reality is first and if youāre a writer you REALLY need to. I found and read him some good parts where heās the hero!
Really enjoying Fat is a Feminist Issue. Iāve definitely been eating my anger!
1 Dec 80 Easier holiday than usual for everyone except Avril. Sheās gained weight during the scary move, then the frightening job search then the threatening days of a new job surrounded by traumatized women. āI donāt even want to THINK of anyone touching me now,ā she says. I get it! I am contemplating swelling up to blimp size on purpose! Will my husband still love me? Will the honeymoon be over forever or will I be able to get back to normal? Stay tuned. I lend her Fat is a Feminist Issue which I think is a big help but she never likes those books as much as I do.
Thought of a good ending for Pinch of Death. Hate myself for compromising all the way along trying to get Fiction class to like me. Means this novella is not good enough to represent me.
6 Dec 80 – Lying in bed with a glass of vermouth while Toss in long underwear plays on the floor with Weasel. Soon heāll take a shower ā then delicious sex.
A wasted day ā cooking, housework, letters ā making social engagements for Xmas. T read my story Kisses in the Dark through and liked it. Made love last night after movie Itās My Turn (not very good) partially clothed on the living room floor! I prefer the bed!
9:30 PM 8 Dec 80 Lying in bed with a beer ā there is no wine ā feeling very bad tempered. Fordham very dissatisfied with Chevenix transcript ā they say they need some sort of āevaluation.ā Why do I attend these hippie schools? Oh, the horror.
Rough time today Christmas shopping. Toss thinks itās an insult to buy inexpensive presents ā he wants to follow the rich peopleās ācodesā but on the other hand weāre broke! Conundrum. The bar examās the end of Feb. Can we make it till then?
9 Dec 80 Glamorous new gilded diary ā I was hoping for a new life to go with it but here are the same old problems. Last night I was so upset at the prospect of having to find someone to evaluate my work at Chevenix I cried. Feels like having to describe a rape in order to get ācompensationā ā how could that be worth it? What a horrible school that was. Toss very, very good with me, so tender & supportive.
We were supposed to get up early and go running ā I woke at 7 still with the headache Iād had the night before ā realized that in my crowded life Iām crowded to the wall ā something has to give. Wonāt even try to grade those papers today ā maybe not go in tomorrow. Finish up the Seiden paper as good as I can do it.
9 Am phone call from Lois ā Aunt Henrietta died in her sleep, John Lennon shot by a crazy. If heād stayed in London where itās harder to get a āwarm gunā ā oh well.
Toss & I went running ā lost Weasel dog ā called & called ā came home to find her cowering. Me furious. Run ruined. Gotta dress & go.
9:05 PM Another bad, frighteningly depressing day. Being necessarily humbled, I suppose. I am as sick with fear over this Shelley paper as if I were a 15 yr old about to be tested in math by Master Don Byerly.
Read Prometheus Unbound when I got home, glanced through criticism, had a bath, ātreatedā myself to Monica Dickensā Winds of Heaven. The shrieking blasts of anguish through that book doing nothing for me, however. The point of Dickensā books ā God hardening us. Prophetic case on 60 mins.
Should reason myself out of this depression. Happy memories of Washington, sitting in my garden reading Bloomsbury Portraits, lolling in restaurants over wine, no bills due. Bad conjunction with Ezra giving me bad news about Kisses and this awful Shelley paper. (Charlene wrote a good one but it mentioned God and Seiden gave her an F.) I take my F with all the equanimity I can muster. Long break upcoming ā maybe finish Pinch for Ezraās inspection.
What I hate most about depression is being depressed. The physical condition. Worry itās hurting Toss (who has more reason to be depressed than me.) Give it up to God. Throw it at Her like a curveball.
15 Dec 80 2:30 PM Living with Toss kills my diary dead. I use it as a steam valve. The only things I canāt discuss with Toss are my fears about him! The result; it seriously distorts our life together. Decided to forget āstream of consciousnessā and try Page A Day (I really need 2 pages) so bought a beautiful white leather one I canāt wait to attack. Full of horoscopes, religious holidays, full moons. But now in the 16 days remaining I glut myself of Complaints & Fears.
I really donāt know whatās the matter with Toss. (Iām sure heād say, āMarriageā.ā) He talks endlessly of wanting a job but takes no steps whatever. (Says he only has Jan to look, Feb he needs to study.) Look back on my times of similar paralysis ā mainly 1973 ā every step an effort. I blamed PLUMLY. All the āassumptionsā of my life completely unacceptable. Bound hand and foot by speechlessness ā needing new definitions of world & self.
In Tossās case canāt be that ā he was āsuccessfulā before me ā and itās gone on too long for mere indecision. I think itās an overwhelming fear of rejection ā something I can sympathize with (although his chances of success are 1000 times mine.) This AM he was in a bad mood because of sleeping till 11:15. Itās against my nature to push, shove & nag, I just wonāt do it.
Saturday we made an agreement ā I would clean the kitchen, he would vacuum. He didnāt get to it till Sunday! I had to remind him about rest of the house. He seemed surprised but cracked down & did excellent job. I think itās critical we share housework but his non-violent non-cooperation tough to get around. He thinks a big effort once every 2 weeks should cover it.
My slightest comments become part of his āmythologyā so I guess Iām handling this badly. Maybe I should assign tasks. I am cooling off on the idea of him having his own law firm. He really needs to work for someone else. I like the idea of having our own press or buying a small newspaper. Heād be wonderful at that.
11:45 PM ā Finished Waughās Letters. Very instructive ā a necessary corrective to the impression one gets elsewhere. His loneliness, fear of poverty and modernism are sad enough ā but not so tragic (TO HIM) as people thinking him a āboreā. That was the revelation from which he never recovered. (He WAS a bore because of the drinking. His solution? Drink more!)
Always a mistake to surrender oneās responsibility. (Only possible result: alienation.) Inevitable that Waughās identification with Catholic injunction against birth control would lead exactly where it did ā unbridgeable distance from wife. (They lived in separate houses so he wasnāt bothered by kidsānoise.)
Half read, half skipped Willsā Chesterton. Very PhD thesis ā no concession to reader. No frills. Radio program about Christian employment agency got me thinking. Iāll write to Witness and see if they want my writing. Put my name in at the agency ā just fishing. Iām sure there are more born-agains and Catholics looking for edit jobs who would fit in better but you never know. Tossās friend Dave Swift might turn up something also.
Met Toss at the station at 8:40 we agreed weāre too ornery & snappish, must be more gentle in future. A perfect night. Me in nightshirt, T in bathrobe ā silver tray between us containing emptied manhattan & rob roy glasses. We share a stogie. Feels like Christmas!
Reconciled to not getting pregnant immediately. We talk of taking Sept trip to Ireland ā how Iād love it! Discuss a year in Eng ā me absorbing the place while T studies law. Time is closing in on us making it impossible to break free. I think about Chestertonās statement that Christianity represents a crossroads in oneās life. Feeling free.
Rode my bike to Evening Prayer in Princeton. Perfect length (1/2 hr) 2 hills of equal size so neither direction is āharderā. Ordered more wedding invites, then discovered it was 5:23 so had to rush to intimidatingly big church.
7 people arranged around a side altar ā my plan to go unnoticed conks out. What is my obsession with invisibility? Because parents were so agonized whenever I launched forward? Minister female, short, stocky. Daphne?
Turned out to be a healing ceremony! Quite beautiful! Lots of rising and standing. At some point I just burst into tears. Awful. Everyone asking if they could help but I donāt know whatās wrong so just slobbered away. I think now I was feeling āexpulsionā, exclusion ā āThe gifts of God for the people of Godā but I donāt really know. I may just be emotional as parents said; āwe wonāt let your peculiarities interfere with your healthā direct quote.
I was so embarrassed leaving ā apologized but the minister grabbed my hand and looked piercingly into my eyes.
GOD IT WAS POWERFUL! Said, āIām Daphne Hawkes!ā Wow!
She insisted she āknew meā and ārecognized my nameā (Reader of Devlyn? Impossible.)
She said she had time to talk, I said I DIDNāT and blundered away. She said, āYouāre in my prayers, Alysse!ā
I stagger off, exalted & terrified.
Bike conked out, I walked home.
On the Palmetto from Washington ā Princeton Jct 10 PM Tues 17 Jun 80 I love trains. I like Arthur Conan Doyle because he loved them too. All his fuss over timing, carriages & tickets delicious to me.
Feeling bad about Avril ā she says her life is suddenly empty. Her heart membrane as thin as a racehorseās ankle.
We got her a cat and helped her pack ā best way to free her I can think of. Bought my wedding lingerie, tried on the veil Maureen is making for me ā STUNNING!
Avril & I saw 2 classics ā The Empire Strikes Back and The Shining.
Missing my angelic male half.
House sale should net $5,000 ā M & D giving me $3000 stock Nov 1. Relief to have SOME money coming in.
Thurs June 19 ā 80 Letter from agent ā Devlyn sold to Germans for $1000! (One edition ā rights revert to me.) Der Todestrank or some such thing. āThe Death Drink.ā Maybe I donāt have to take a job this summer (fellowship starts Sept.)
Late again to Daphneās service ā this is awful but I had to drive T to pick up his car. Forgot to bring Kleenex ā so sure I wouldnāt need it! Wrong!!!
Trying Zen breathing to control the sobs ā zilch. Total humiliation.
Daphne hugged me said she was glad Iād come ā I took the oil & communion although Iām āunbaptized.ā Daphne said a different prayer for each of us. Lovely woman. The wine was real! (Unlike at Devonās church.) Nice touch!
I think Iām crying about ālosing control.ā
Thurs 26 June 80 Writing wedding invites not as much fun as I thought it would be ā canāt use my fountain pen (paper too absorbent) canāt get as good an effect with a felt tip. Oh well!
Iām up to 90. Can only do 20 per sitting because I become paralyzed with boredom.
Last weekend on Cape first time I felt I was āmyselfā around Tās family. Having a book out nobody read is not much to establish an identity.
Tās aunt Mimsey staying with us now ā up late arguing with her about adopted cousin Katey. She argues ā weirdly I think ā against adopted children finding their biological parents! If they could just accept a Beneficial Social Fiction as reality wouldnāt we all be Fine? Where have I heard that before! I was so relieved Toss saw all the issues immediately ā heās so smart – the biggest one being TIMES CHANGE. (Often in ways we canāt imagine but since we know they do, why pretend? āWeāre gonna fix this for you kids right before we die and youāll never have to address that problem againā is sheerest idiocy.) He really is a superior intellect. (He does have a flaw; sees abortion and adoption as similar! Typical male!)
Mon 30 Jun 80 Lethargy ā extreme, prolonged, profound ā the key to my personality these days. Fallow. Torpid. A little Teresa of Avila goes a long way ā Elinor Wylie is fascinating & sad. Anne Morrow Lindberghās latest volume. of diaries is an irritant. I WANT to identify with but sheās too oppressively DIFFERENT.
Jonathan Valinās Lime Pit ho hum, Eliz Cadellās latest totally empty. A Marriage of True Minds had some interesting data.
Not finding what I want I reread Nancy Drew with an eye to a Modern Version. What would that look like? I sketch out a Mystery at Mirror Lake – trying to help a friend ā it becomes Last Year at Marienbad pretty quickly.
Want to rewrite Prisoner of St Secaire & getting some good ideas. I donāt want the heroine to be āunsureā, thatās Nancyās appeal in a nutshell. Sheās so confident! Sheās always being accused of being a spy and a snoop and it doesnāt faze her. Yes, she is! So there! She has no problem pocketing evidence and keeping it to herself.
Probably why Bobbie Mason (?) condemned her as ācoldā and ācalculatingā in The Girl Sleuth. She NEVER solicits male help! (Asks Dad for a favor once in blue moon.) āUnfeminineā? But why then is she so popular WITH GIRLS? She represents an absent vitamin? Obviously. Weāll suck tree bark to get it if we have to (and you DO have to suck tree bark to read Nancy Drew.)
A possible direction for Fawn in Demon Roused?
11:AM ā 3 July 80- StormFall Farm Tossās father Suttonās third wife Val died suddenly yesterday morning at 2:30 AM. T. was on the phone with his father about 11 PM when Sutton suddenly said ā āthereās something wrong with Val.ā And dropped the phone.
When he came back on he said they were calling Rescue.
Toss and I jumped into the car and drove straight up to Masschusetts arriving at the hospital where they said, āShe expired.ā Like a library card! Couldnāt understand it at first. She was only 46!
Back at Suttonās house he was cold and grey still in a state of shock; āThey couldnāt start her heart.ā No one knew she had anything wrong with her heart! I donāt know who suggested birth control pills as the culprit – or smoking? She had decided to break her diet for a dish of ice cream and that was it.
Toss is with his father, I should be washing my hair; instead I write a poem for Val I canāt share but like better than anything since Alyssum.
At this rate Iāll have a volume in 20 yrs!
Suttonās Place Everybody crying, Sutton on the phone with his sister Mimsey, Granmaās plane just landing, youngest brother Dom will be here within the hour. Minister came over to lead prayer service ā did quite well ā we discussed immortality & warmed to each other ā I was stupid enough to say Iād written a poem ā he said I could read it at the service Uh oh. Better come up with something for public disclosure.
2:10 AM ā Groverās Mill ā New Jersey – Sat 24 May 1980
Here we are! Just finished painting the newly plastered wall, putting up a bookcase and most of my books in it. Bad moment when T. thought I was going to paint the wall yellow (I wasnāt.) The kitchen is done but this bedroom still looks like hell.
Wrote a 9 p letter to Devon when I was at my bluest. Probably shouldnāt send it! Sometimes life is too mysterious and T is too much of a stranger. Imagine making this move with Devon! (Or Bruce!) Or Ryder. UNIMAGINABLE!!!! Things are worse because weāre fasting till Mon AM. I use food to pep myself up but this summer Iām determined to get my greed under control. Hard accomplishing anything with T standing over me questioning every move I make.
Looking for a place to hang the Earl & Countess of Horton bas reliefs Mom gave me T said, āI wonāt lie to you ā I donāt like them.ā I said, āIāll put them in my studyā but then I boiled. I donāt like ANY of his stuff – his horrible vintage Camel ads – itās all hideous ā but what if I said so? I took it for granted that if HE likes & wants it, end of story. Evidently, I need to recast my thinking! But thatās impossible ā if I rejected everything I didnāt like weād only have my stuff!
Memorial Day Our compromise is ā he works in the barn, I work in the house. The barn is full of treasures that need to be appraised and catalogued and probably sold but he is wildly incensed when I say so! Everything must be saved till it chokes us to death. He is a very angry man and his anger makes me angry. Most unpleasant. He said Alysse, even when youāre angry youāre the person I love most in the world. I feel like I have Tās peace of mind in my care but he doesnāt have mine because he doesnāt know HOW to. Wasted time trying to get him to see praise & encouragement arenāt the same thing. He says, āAt least when I praise you youāll know I mean it.ā
He thinks I love him because my āstandards are low.ā
4:30 AM Sat 31 May 80
Canāt sleep. Reading Helen Van Slykeās hymn to the middle class but all her books are hymns to the middle class. People who think life is an Ionesco play crossed with Munchās The Scream wonāt like Helen Van Slyke.
Lavallee likes my rewrite āa lotā and is submitting it to Crown. I was sure sheād be able to tell Iām getting numb but apparently not. Sent my gothic The Bride & the Wolves to Tower. Now I have to take a serious look at St Secaire.
Had a little cry (private fortunately) over T praising my clothes, body & housework but not projects or ideas. Need to start a serious program of prayer & meditation.
Ackerman liked T but his CLERKS didnāt want him and Ackerman leaves it up to them! Too bad. Now heās behind on his bar study schedule because of the move. Maybe self-study NOT the best pattern for a procrastinator?
I think men just arenāt bred to give encouragement.
7:15 PM Wed 4 June 80
āO Rose Thou Art Sickā¦ā
The problem is Tās anger. When we are walking the dogs he says, āKeep to the road, dammit!ā There is no point cursing at a dog! He says it makes HIM feel better. I say anger is corrupting ā it just makes EVERYBODY angrier! How break an addiction that poisons our relationship? How is it women are called āstridentā when men pullulate with such rage?
Forms arrived so I innocently shared my poems and he got jealous of RYDER!!! It never even occurred to me! (poem in question: Love the magician) Obviously, I should have kept these publications āsecretā but how icky is that! Especially when the guy is lecturing me on āhonestyā night and day. Iām going to have to start pleading the Fifth.
Set up a prayer desk in my study – books, candles, etc. Iām going to practice. I feel stupid asking for things ā just try to get in touch with the Divine. But I also feel like God could āsaveā T! Flood him with light, etc.
Yesterday required interview with Eng Dept at Guilders College for teaching. They astonished me by saying āYouāre hiredā!
Thurs 5 June 80 Yesterday so bad I threatened to give up and drive to Washington! I was almost in despair. He said I am preventing him from studying with my ādemandsā which means breathing, sleeping & eating apparently.
He apologized finally and said heās just so upset about the bar exam! So, I try to relax him physically. Give up on dieting ā alcohol & food accomplish what rationalizing & arguing wonāt.
Sat 7 Jun 80 Weāve been here a little over 2 weeks and the place is beginning to look like ours. Iām sitting in the garden under holly, maple, lilacs and cypress ā an English garden gone to seed. I see Tossās light in the Little House (an outbuilding) where he is studying.
Tomorrow drive to Phila to celebrate Tās birthday then on Mon I plan to plunge into my study & redo Secaire. Mom & Dad called ā I told them about Gilders College Writing Fellowship. They told me ForOptics merged with Corning Glass ā up to 24 from 8. This would be good news for me if I could ever get hold of my stock but my ātrusteeā ā Dad – wonāt let me have it. He is considering a disbursement. Heād better since Gildersā stipend is $60/week!
T & I had the usual fight last night but I am learning from them. He goes ānegativeā & combative very fast. I have to grit my teeth not to mushily give in ā I donāt want to fight but APPARENTLY HE DOES ā the trick is to get him to see it. He thinks Iām just āresistantā and ādemanding.ā Resolved to bring his unconscious processes into consciousness.
Reading PD Jamesā Innocent Blood ā just awful. What bone does she have to pick, thatās the curiosity. Feels like she hates females. Probably thinks she must go āmaleā to write ā or how can female āfluidityā direct a story?
Alysse Aallyn 