Category: Dance

Inspired Pleasure – the dance diaries of Alysse Aallyn
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    7:50 PM Sun 15 May 77 
    Justifiably proud –  paid ALL my bills and sent off my 
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galleys. Nothing like money! (Stupid car needs a new clutch.
It’s always something.) Able to refuse “help” from Mom and Dad
who are dithering about whether I need to be institutionalized.
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    Told them I was working at a “restaurant” (Let them 
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assume waitressing. They know I can’t cook. PP does serve food;
State of Virginia makes people who serve alcohol serve something to sop it up with. Good old Virginia. ) Sent M & D a DEVLYN cover.

$57 left in my acct.; $100 in my purse. (Open a savings acct tomorrow).
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    Ordered a beautiful Vietnamese print ($80) for Genevieve’s 
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wedding gift (last time she got married I sent candy. Well, I wasn’t invited!) Horseback riding did make me horny however – Ryder & I made love like a pair of wild animals. He may be compact, but he’s beautiful.

Cleaned the entire house. Now darkness falls .– it’s
time to walk the dogs. How I love peering into people’s windows.
When I get back, strong tea with milk and the “splendeurs et misères”of Monica Dickens. Or will I succumb to that modern master of the Grimm fairytale, Agatha Christie? No poetry, but plenty of trolls.
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    10PM Mon 16 May 77
    Finally got a reaction from agent to Secaire.  I was 
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physically sick when I opened it but she was full of praise. I could
teach Poe, Verlaine and Mallarme a thing or two! She’s sending it
to Harcourt but telling them it’s “too fine for a paperback”. Says it’s also readable, which is a thing more “precious than rubies”. I was really afraid of what she would say after our literary discussions and her poetry sneers.

So elated! Hit the library today and hit it hard – Nancy
Mitford’s novels, Hilaire Belloc’s Letters, life of Brontë. Delicious
dreaming.
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    5:35 Pm Broadcast Agency – 17 May 77 
    Enjoyed Helen Bevington’s The House was Quiet 
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cuckoos and thrushes and loblolly pines.
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    Bored to tears with this stupid switchboard job but you can’t say 
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it’s “hard”. I’m the last happy dodo in a world of dinosaurs – all this
equipment about to be ripped out. In 5 mins I get to disconnect
phone, walk to Church St (parking’s free in Mafia territory). Drive
to Arlington. Fish sandwich for dinner, read about Unquiet Haworth while wearing G-string & stockings. (So appropriate.)

Expanding
my house hunt to Rt 450. (Towards Annapolis; might need Dad to co-sign.) Obviously I can handle 45 min commute. (Don’t like rain, however.) Aware El Diablo is nothing but a hunk of junk. Future of American literature is fragile on some of these May nights.
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    Broadcast Agency Thurs May 19, 77
    Only $134 in my saving acct and $7 in checking, curse that 
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clutch. Crisis brewing with R. He is jealous and suspicious that I am out so much in the evening. He’s the one who wants to be non-exclusive so let him sweat. I have too many negative emotions about him – that he’s a coward, for example. Which would make him angrier – if I was dancing or screwing some other guy? (Which I have no desire to do and he should know me by now.) I think he sees my privacy and aloneness as infidelity. While he’s doubtless experimenting with “goofy chicks” who’ve “never been touched”; I’m only “unfaithful” with Shelley & Brontë.

But that’s STILL too much for him.) After all this time if he still doesn’t realize I’m the best, the hell with him.
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    Worry about the dangers of psychic scars. They can SEEM to heal, 
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but sometimes they re-shape the life beneath. All I know, is, contempt is the ultimate relationship killer. To love is to be happy with! Boy scout methods won’t work with me, the sabre-toothed tiger. Our relationship may already be fatally spoiled by resentment and revenge.
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    Last night audience bored and hostile, but who cares? 
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Bouncers won’t let them show it! We are goddesses to be revered and if they won’t worship at the shrine they’re out. Compared to the Shalimar, Palace is sheer joy. We are never hassled. God forbid if they try to
touch us! They are bounced on their heads in the parking lot.
If I have plain grits when I wake up at 9:30 or 10 (also coffee and
orange juice) I can last till 4. Hunger peaks at 5. Salad, then rush
to work – when I get there I’m not hungry anymore. Would like to cut the burger habit.

Need to sew my G-strings but Merribeth can see me
through the glass and she won’t leave. Reading Robt Fish as an
antidote for poor Charlotte Brontë’s pain.
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    1:00 AM Plush Palace – 20 May 77
    Four dancers tonight. Less work, more intellect. (!) Fred, 
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the cook, insists I try his potato pancakes and they are DAMN good.

Can’t say no. Long wailing phone call from Maeve this afternoon. Why is it we can see other’s relationships so clearly? “Dump him”, I always say. Am I telling myself something? R & I make date tomorrow night.

Now wearing black velvet, smoky eyeshadow, black stockings and glitter I look in the mirror and am astonished by my own beauty. Take that, Ryder, you poor bastard. Eight mins and I’m up – One more dance and home. Front table of impressionable navy cadets eminently shockable.
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    11:30 AM – Sun 22 May 77
    It’s all over, baby blue.  Getting up my strength for our date
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tonight by sunbathing in back yard – literally cooking in coconut oil.
R. complained on Fri he called me “all night long” and I wasn’t home.

Aww. Could have told him I was writing but lying just postpones the inevitable (because next time he’ll come over.) So told him I would explain on our date. A poem came suddenly : In the Butterfly Pavilion.

This evening you said you wished
I was more conventional.
I bowed my head. I did not speak.
Outside the animals leaned together,
Breathing lightly; waiting
For my answer.
Cats-tongue ferns
Swelled up like swords, pushed out a stink
Occluding fields of vision while
The rabbit-bloodied lawn curled away.
Phlox flamed
Sows littered in the cyclamen
Dwarf stars broke free as
Frazzled molten ore raced across a sky
Darkening to night.
Summoning my power
My hands stay folded in my sleeves.
Nighttime is my kingdom.
.

Exhaustion from the violent motions of the pendulum.
I made dinner, but he refused to eat. He said, “I think
I know what you’re going to tell me. “
I said, “I bet you don’t.”
“It’s another man.”
“No. I’m dancing again. I’m living here alone. I need the
money.” (I should have said “it nourishes me UNLIKE
SOME PEOPLE” but I’m a coward too.)
He said very dismissively, ”Well, if that’s all you think you can
do.”

He who read my novel! Bastard! He said, “Well, the ball’s
in my court.” So I guess, that means “Game on!” (Was it ever
off?) And he left! Put his dinner carefully away in the freezer
(I’m not made of money) and took the dogs on an hour’s walk.
Now I lie here again in Paradise – baking, basting, trying to recall
every detail of the last time we had sex. Because that’s all I’ll ever
get from him.

11:30 PM
Session this aft with Chloe at Pacifica and a young PBS guy
named John about writing a radio play for kids. I threw out some ideas.
Then out for dinner with Chloe who complained that her husband has a mental illness given to him by the Army .

And I think that I have problems. I reject “victim” AND “slut”. The
poet alone in her lofty palace. Feels like an abscess has been lanced.
Heard about a great apt in Takoma Pk that’s OK for dogs.
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    Broadcast Agency – 4:20 PM – Mon 23 May 77
    Present tenant says do not mention dogs so I am out of 
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love with Perfect Apt. Would rather have a house. Lots of calls today.

I seem to be getting fat – but I look so good – much too good for 128. How I hate to starve but it’s the only way. Need to be a fine-honed racing machine.

Considering entering Courtney in the Saxton fellowship.
Can I get a readable copy? Lack of sex keeping me awake at night.

Now I know why people take drugs. Devon writes to say he’ll be in
Maine on the island but not at Genevieve’s wedding for “financial
reasons”. I plan to do my best to seduce him. Reading Mitford’s
Wigs on the Green – not as funny as it is sad. Pastiche, really –
Wodehouse is better. But I feel that way about E Waugh’s humor
too – that it is basically tragic – “this is all we can expect”.

Asked me when I was moving, when going to wedding.
He couldn’t be hinting for an invite – if I show up with him my family will have me institutionalized for sure. They never could figure out what I was doing with this hysterical little man.

We’ve said our fond goodbyes. If the ball is in his court,
it died there. Need to buy a dress for wedding. Macy’s? My mother criticizes me for:
1) Making money
2) Caring about making money
3) Needing money AND
4) Buying inexpensive clothes. AND fake jewelry. A lady
never – etc.

You figure it out. Finished Farber’s essays – very bad book.
He seems to regard the female orgasm as some kind of personal insult –
“Now I’ve got this to contend with!” We’re not doing it to annoy you.

Hopelessness on the subject of sex a grave inadequacy in a philosopher I would say. Merribeth sent me to the bank today – I was thrilled to get outside – when I came back Keith called down to say he was having lunch at the Hyatt Regency and had seen me walking and wanted to say hi! Nothing to say after that. I thought of inviting him to the Palace but what would be the point? Everyone would think he’s my boyfriend and it’s a tips killer.
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    12:50 AM Plush Palace – exhausted and bathed in sweat. 
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Man tried to crawl onstage with me. He was in the mood to dance!

Every dancer (except me and I guess him) is using Darla’s overdose death (suicide or accident? I say why not murder?) as an excuse to not dance. I like dancing. Passes the time faster and the tips are better. Steve managing tonight – he looks just like Dylan Thomas.

I keep expecting a Welsh accent when he warns the old men with their balls hanging out. Great tales from new dancer Charmian –
she has toured the entire country. Just dancing. (She has the body of a seven year old. Plasters pasties on her completely flat chest. )

There’s a townhouse in New City I like the sound of but nobody
EVER answers that phone. Tomorrow dinner with poor Avril and that awful Mason whom I loathe and despise. Couldn’t get through Babs Deals’ The Walls Came Tumbling Down – and Crystal Mouse was so good. Fortunately I have Steven Marcus’ The Other Victorians which is excellent. Pornotopia, indeed! Should have $1000 in savings by the 24th June.

3PM Wed 25 May 77
Weighed myself – I shouldn’t have. Lost two pounds but I
can gain it back through thought alone. Reading Gore Vidal’s essays –like them better than his novels – unsettling man. Avril says Dad’s taken hotel rooms for everybody in NYC. New City townhouse a terrible shock – NOT to be thought of. R. called to invite me to the Emmys June 4. He had the nerve to say I’ll “always come back” to him. So I have to be careful not to, even when at night I howl like an animal.

I can’t trust him to “take care” of me.

7:45 PM Thurs May 26
Who knew the worst was yet to come? I was talking to
A at Broadcast Agency and a call came in and it was Ryder. “Hello
Broadcast Agency”. I said, “You’re on the wrong line.” He said, “Your private line is busy and I’ve got to talk to you. Need to come clean and beg your forgiveness.” Uh oh.

Yup. He invited another girl to the Emmys BEFORE me
(that’s his story) she said she couldn’t afford to come, he invited me,then she contacted him to say she managed to get a plane ticket.

So he’s disinviting me! I disconnected him immediately. He’ll be
lucky if I ever speak to him again. I ought to be glad it happened –
I was dithering. Needed a decision maker.

I said to Charmian this evening, “Are you happy? I’m
taking a poll.” She said, “Well, I feel all right. All that bothers me
are asshole men.”

So true! I think the pain is over if I decide it is. Struggling not
to be feel ashamed of ever loving that man. Distance is required.
Distance & discipline. Dancing makes me feel better. I kicked
really high. Audience enjoyed it.

3:10 AM
Home dreading Ryder would be here – if so I was prepared
to scream the place down. He wasn’t. Just a note – saying I was
“right to get rid” of him. Calling himself a worthless shit! He said
he’s “sinned” ever since he met me by refusing to admit how much I mean to him. The problem is it doesn’t matter. We are the wrong people for each other.

8:30 PM Fri. Plush Palace May 27 1977
The only place I can sleep is work, dozing off between
sets. Not even masturbation knocks me out. Tempting to make
Mon my last day but I should last out the week – I need the cash.
Still have so much packing to do. Keith in my office the last day of
Broadcast Agency work – I told him about the Emmys – he said it
didn’t sound like a deathblow. Men! I had considered inviting
him to the wedding – this decided me against it.

3 weeks alone in NYC house-sitting for Genevieve
while she’s on her honeymoon. Parents will take dogs. The Blessing is an awful book. Nancy Mitford not cut out to be a novelist; she’s really not interested in motivation. Only wants a forum for her retro opinions.

4:30 PM Sat 28 May 77 – Plush Palace
A girl left early so Laverne and I are splitting her sets.
Courtly Jim of the hush puppy body and the Elvis Presley hair
realizes he has to pay us more to keep someone onstage. Good tips –
holidays make people feel richer. Only 3 days left.

7:30 PM Sun 29 May 77
Packed for six straight hours, ate yogurt and chicken,
walked dogs now I’m lying on mattress more exhausted than
I’ve ever been. Shoulders has agreed to store my furniture –
we don’t need a van since his house is right across the street.
Told him he can use whatever pieces he wants. Jim will be in
to pay me Fri so I don’t need to trust the mails. Called phone,
gas, water, elec people.

Don’t think I like EM Forster
(where Angels Fear To Tread) – Henry James without the
Henry James. Edwardian didacticism makes me miss James’s
scrupulous objectivity. Why did he write this book? Because
he’s “The Literary Type”. Compare with Woolf’s Unwritten Novel.
Stagger about forcing myself to gulp Yuban. So enjoying throwing things away.

Wed. 1 June 77 – 8:30 PM Plush Palace
$770 to take off with – not bad I think. Ryder tells me
I am “fleeing.” Damn straight. Mom asked me what was going on –
I said I proposed to Ryder and he turned me down. She was
squeaking on the other end of the phone like a gerbil but I couldn’t help it. It’s almost true – I didn’t take her advice but showed him my true self! Too bad!

Reading Forster’s Longest Journey. Still feeling another story
trying to get through. Pretty sick of the glory that wasn’t Greece.
Everyone in book sanctimonious prig.

12:30PM
Forster so foul I reread this diary. Deeply shaming.
Maybe Forster is right: whatever you do, don’t write about what is actually going on – nobody may ever recover.

Opal took me out to lunch at Apple Tree – painless. Crab
quiche and 2 Brandy Alexanders. An elegant poem unspools in my head about the difference between hummingbirds and hawks.

Will I go round in circles? Or will I fly high like a bird up in the sky?

Like me the hummingbird
Transcribes inner space
Half wingtip pinwheel
Leaving outer reaches
To the ragged hawk that flies alone
The hawk is:
I am what shall be
July 30, 2025
Inspired Pleasure – the dance diaries of Alysse Aallyn

11:45 AM  Sun 1 May 77

                            Keith softened me up by calling to ask if I’d been in

his office. He smelled my perfume. (I hadn’t.) Agreed to go out with him

Sat night.  Just awful.  Awful. Keep wishing he was literally ANYONE

else. Dating someone who doesn’t interest you sexually is like trying

to diet by ordering food you dislike. (I actually tried this. Ordered tripe.)

Howlably stupid. Yet no one to howl to.

                            R. says he’d “hate” to think I “needed” him and didn’t

call. Am I the stupid one here? I think so. Sucker for punishment. Upstairs,

Downstairs cheers me up a little. Considering renting little house in the

wilds of Virginia. Or garden apt. utilities included. Dogs would like it –

close to clubs. Read Eliz Savage’s Good Confession – very minor.

Cleaning. Laundry, dishes, garbage.

                       Thinking about Sylvia Plath and the problem of panic

attacks. It’s all about learning to steer into the skid.

                    Wed May 4 – 77

                       Made illegal copies of novel at work, drove to Plush

Palace in Virginia to audition. (10 Mins down Rt 1 from Woodrow

Wilson bridge. 1 HR commute). VA pays better, mandates pasties

& stockings, Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms (I’m not kidding)

makes sure you don’t sit with or talk to clientele. Amen! I was hired

immediately $90 day plus tips.  So pleased.  Got a car appt Fri 13^th

so El Diablo won’t die on Beltway. Working Thurs, Fr. Sat and there’s

no holdback, they pay you immediately.  Buy G-strings & pasties

Landover mall.

                       Avril says R “betrayed” me.  But do you “betray” someone

by having a weak character? He can’t help it. A says he’s behaved

so badly there’s no hope for him.   I think he can’t make up his mind –

he wants me only if I don’t want him.  Plus if he finds out I’m dancing

again he’ll want to “convert” me.  (He’ll think I’m doing it just to torture

him. I don’t plan to tell.) Gave A a copy of my novel to read – feeling

insane – got to get reaction from SOMEBODY. Broadcast asks me to

stay “on call” so Mr. Pierce has forgiven me or is desperate.

                   Plush Palace – 9 PM Fri 6 May 77

                   Very nice dressing room. Girl I’m dancing with (Darla) is just

awful. Find the comparison very cheering. A gobbled my novel up, says

it’s “deep” but “obsessive”;  made me feel on right track.  How much can

I torture my audience? I‘ve GOT to stop blubbering and start fantasizing.

Who CARES about the pathos of my existence? Make something up.

                   Sat. 7 May 77

                 House is mine! Everyone moved out.  (A’s & Mason’s new

place just what they wanted – skyscraper urban nightmare.) Listening

to opera, reading NY Times, feeling like a Big Success. Dog across

my chest in blissful rapture. ($100 in tips last night!!!) R called to say

I “always have a place with him” and He “has never taken my heart

ring off”. Is he nuts or am I?

                 Realize for the first time he says things he KNOWS aren’t

true just to hear himself say them!!  Just like the Victorians –

mouthing something is halfway there!  Because you’re making an

effort! You could not imagine anyone more opposite from me. Hopeless,

hopeless, hopeless, as the rock musicians say.

                   Reading Bottle Factory Outing – so wonderful. (But liked

The Secret Glass better.) Trying to numb weird longings to write ghost

stories by eating chicken potpie (regression). Wrote first draft of a short

story about a grandmother telling her shocked granddaughter about

“the time I almost committed suicide”. Very matter of fact.  Feel I’m

recovering from “mono-soul-iosis” – not just R but my first marriage,

Devon and everyone between.   Shoulders asks to borrow lawnmower –

asked me if I want to watch him use it.  (He knows he’s pretty.)  I do.

                   7:15 PM 8 May 1977

                   Feeling much better, like I’ve passed a turning point.  Wasn’t

sure how much I could trust myself in the past, but if I’ve come through

this, my core must be solid, instead of the jelly mass I fear. Sitting in my

far-from-clean study beneath my poster of Blake’s God & the Angels

enjoying an after dinner cup of coffee. Sanity returns. A. is coming tonight

to get her flokati rugs – that will make the downstairs look empty.   Trying

to finish Household’s Courtesy of Death, so I can take all these silly books

to the library, dump them, and get a lifetime supply of Peter de Vries. The

only proven painkiller is laughter. My damn novel’s made a fool out of me.

Time to admit it.

                   3:15 PM 9 May 77

                   Called into Broadcast to sub for Loretta.  Working on Devlyn

galleys. The main scary thing about this place is that no one works

here willingly. “Morale” is a poisonous miasma.  Kind of like the

architects’ office.

                   Mom & Dad raise hell over A’s living with Mason.  I thought

they were so worked up about “commitment”!  Sharing an apt is a

commitment, isn’t it? Not according to them. Glad poor A is taking

the storm for once and not me. Couldn’t cope with them on top of

everything else. R. and I are trying to evolve into a “friendship”. It

sounds stupid but there has to be some third place between

attraction and avoidance because each of those is obsession.

When I ran this idea past R he said I was his “best friend”.  This is

why he is so impossible to deal with.  Best friend? He wouldn’t

treat a pet the way he’s treated me (the SPCA would come and get him.)

                   Speaking of Ryder, he just called. Finished my book,

found the Black Mass a little short otherwise liked it. Didn’t say a

word  about “who’s Hank based on.” Thank God. He did ask who

the baby’s father is – I said even Nilssa doesn’t know.  According

to R.  I have “no problems”. (He doesn’t know about the dancing.  If

he was REALLY my best friend I could tell him.) He says we have

the whole rest of our lives to talk.  He’s uncannily good at saying

what I want to hear (unfortunately).  Seeing him tonight.  Take the bus

home, buy wine, wash & set my hair.  If only we could get to the stage

where we no longer fear each other.

                   4:50 PM Tues 10 May 77

                   Well we’re not out of the woods yet but perhaps have

found a path.  Last night was like losing my virginity all over again

– we were both so shy. Slept wrapped up and embracing. Many

compliments on my body (no tell-tale glitter in the bed.)  He said he

was so upset by me breaking up with him at McDonald’s he can’t

go to any McD’s anymore.  Pledges of love somewhat ruined by

an argument during breakfast about whether a novel can be “good”

if no one will buy it. Uh oh. I tried keeping it philosophical, not

giving historical examples he wouldn’t recognize (which would be

“one-upping”.) Finally stopped when he got a call from a “goofy

chick.” Should I be worried, I ask, and he says no. But I can’t avoid

the sinking feeling that I don’t dare hitch my wagon to anyone

so dependent on mass psychology – even as a friend – without losing my way

July 29, 2025
Inspired Pleasure – the dance diaries of Alysse Aallyn

    9:45 AM Wed July 28 76

                            Anniversary of Toss Sheffield relieving me of

my impacted virginity (as I relieved him of his.)  R came yesterday at 2 –

left at 3 – came back at 5.  Another watershed in our relationship – Fears.

He’s afraid to lose the hearing in his good ear. He speaks sign

language but doesn’t want to live in a world without sound. I made

him promise to go the doctor. He agreed to make an appointment no

later than Weds.

                   Reading Christina Stead’s wonderful Dark Places of

the Heart. Considered inviting Ryder to live with us – rejected

the idea. I need too much alone time. So important to establish

amour proper. I am so impoverished from setting up the house

(though I’ve made enough in tips to pay my taxi ride home tonight)

I am barely going to make the rent. Need a windfall.

                   Sweaty and smelly. I think I’ve boogie –oogie-oogied

till I just can’t boogie no more.

                   Club Shalimar– 30 July 76

                 Cookout at Ryder’s parents – I met his folks – two

roly-poly people who are nothing like him –  one sister who is

a lot younger.

                 We had glorious talks on our way there and back –

about having our own space – (we agreed he needs to live alone);

our hopes and dreams (he used to write music, wants to do that

again someday – I told him I have an agent shopping a novel around)

first impressions (I discovered he was in the bar when I auditioned!

Horrors!) He said what intrigues him most about me is that he

can’t figure me out – still can’t – everything about me is a surprise.

I guess I could say the same about him.

                 Wonderful abandoned sex – just crazy stuff – I came and

came. He told me he spent last night at his old house – he and

his wife had to have a “meeting”.   I was jealous until he told me

that his wife is sexually dead – and always has been. He didn’t

understand it when they married, assuming it was something you

get over.  I suggested she was probably molested as a child –

he didn’t want to believe it. He thinks some people are sexually

just asexual. I thought – but didn’t say – there’s a self-protective

concept. He doesn’t want to think she is turned off of him but in

my experience – such as it is – chemistry is a completely

mysterious yet crucial factor women have a tendency to discount

it when choosing a life partner.  So they end up married to the

“perfect” person, except they’re not sexually stirred.

                 2:00 AM. He tucked me in – kissed me – left – then

I was wakened with his hands all over me. When he got to his

car he realized our clock had stopped and he didn’t have time

to go home before work. So he snuck back in the sliding door.

We had sex again, and the whole night became a snake

eating its own tail. This morning got a wonderful poem:

Love, the Magician.

The Magician is a Capricorn

Bleeding cock’s milk from nipples

Pale like mine but

Maler.

Illusion, he says is memory

Of things that should have been.

Doves and rabbits he entices

From sacred groves between my legs

Placed by ruse, and freed by art.

When he dies, passion turns his eyes

To quarters.

He hears the world but faintly

Through his one good ear.

The other turns to me,

Safecracker’s daughter.

Trust the magician, voices tell me

He knows when to drop the dice.

31 July 76 Shalimar

                   R came in but I managed to get rid of him. Sandy

brought in a huge bag of string beans, squash and tomatoes

from her garden – I told Ryder to take them home and cook them.

My job is turning into a source of tremendous conflict – he is the

snake in his own paradise.  Plus, tips really fall off when he is

here. I am already looking at a very tough month financially –

trying to take so much time off.  He said he’ll be back at the end

of the night to pick me up – he’s hurt when I’m “in need” and

don’t call him. So that saves cab fare anyhow.

                   We took a walk between sets and talked about his

parents – second generation immigrants,  lifelong Army. He doesn’t

tell them anything (they obviously know his marriage broke up

and now he’s with me – but they don’t know about his deafness,

for example or about his classes at Gallaudet.)  He said to me,

can you believe I’ve only seen these people twice in the past

four years? And we live in the same state. Wait till he meets

my parents – shudder. I’ll put it off as long as I possibly can.

                   Dancing tonight with Alicia. Poor Alicia. She’s a

“dripper” (constantly leaking pee) but blames it on hypoglycemia.

She hates dancing when there are so few people in here.

It’s kind of interesting.  She sort of has a whorish appearance and

doesn’t realize she’s trapped in a vicious cycle – audience thinks

she’s a loose woman, she thinks they’re perverts.

                 I’m trying not to fall into the super-loving, super-giving

trap but Ryder is the first guy I’ve ever met who would obviously

be a wonderful father. Rare among men under thirty?  Or something.

                 Talked to Avril on the phone – she was bored to tears at home

so I suggested she come in. We shared a burger basket and she

saw me dance for the first time. She wasn’t grossed out at all by

the semi-nudity – which is good – told me I’m a great dancer and

she really envies me my pelvic wiggle.

                 Also told me I have a terrific body – which really cheered

me up because I still feel too hefty around Ryder.  (At his parents’ house

we went over his old scrapbooks – he was the star quarterback in

high school football.  They described him as 5’4”!  That’s a lot

shorter than he admits to these days. His boots have at least two

inch heels.) A left after one set because all the guys of course

came on to her. Obvious losers, alas, including the one who insists

he’s a hitman for the CIA and another who claims to be giving

away government jobs.

                 Unfortunately I’m dependent on the tips of these characters.

Ryder has been telling them all that I’m a writer (instead of a call girl,

presumably) which gives me a lot of explaining to do.

                 I wish I had money to buy things the house needs –

flashlights and fuses and drainers and shelving and all that stuff –

but I’m saving every bit for our trip to the Finger Lakes. Aug 5 will

mark one month in the house and six months since I quit the

architects. Seems like much longer than that. Where will I be

six months from now?

                   Hope my gothic novel sells – I need an immediate

hundred grand. I really can’t write with R sucking up all my free time.

I’ve been struggling with another poem about him – even that isn’t

coming. Hopefully we’ll settle down into being able to work side

by side quietly – maybe after our vacation.

6:00 PM, Chevy Chase Tyler St, 2 Aug 76

                 Across the street Shoulders, dressed in a skimpy football

undershirt, is mowing his lawn. He is a sight to behold.

                 Sitting over my repaired typewriter with a cup of hot tea

and a case of writer’s block. I could write a poem about Shoulders –

already R is interfering with my life. Beautiful day – a little chilly –

a little Maine edge to it.

                 Finished Stead’s Dark Places – which I adored – absolutely

one of a kind.  Another bothersome thing about R – he really doesn’t

read. He’s been dragging around a sleazy paperback “heist comedy”

he pretends to read from time to time. At this rate it will take him six

months. I am struggling with All Authors are Equal but I may give

up on it and read Famous Washington Ghosts which R picked up

for me to add to my considerable collection of ghost stories (I must

have 50 vols.)

                   On the phone with Maeve my old Baltimore buddy –

she is behind in her rent but looking for a new job. In the meantime

borrowing from boyfriends.   I take a perverse pleasure that anyone

is managing worse than me.

                   Shalimar – 10:20 PM

                 Called in tonight to replace another girl – great – that

means I work 5 times this week. Just that small amount makes a

big difference. A is in the chips right now and I could owe her

but don’t want to.

                 When I came in they told me R had been in 30 mins

before. That was a little unsettling – I didn’t realize he would come in

if I weren’t here. Of course it is really close to his job – but equally

of course the food is more expensive here than just about

anywhere else he could choose. I look at who was dancing

to see whether he would think she was in any way better than me –

luckily it was the pisser Alicia instead of potentially scary

competition like, say, Gloria. He didn’t know I was coming in,

because Carmen didn’t tell him. Reading the Ghosts of

Washington. Wonderful poem potential.

Shalimar Thurs 5 Aug 76

                 R dearer every day, in spite of the fact that he’s

been checking up on me. Called and called last night – wondered

where I was – I wasn’t too sure how to tell him A and I were

over at Shoulders’ drinking, so I just said we were visiting

the neighbors.  Standing in their yard, which wasn’t true. He is

jealous of Shoulders and I don’t blame him – such lush male

beauty makes women helpless. A is a complete mess over him.

He frequently wanders around the house in nothing but his

boxers –  we call them as his “huppa”.

                   R. finally got an apt and can stop “crashing” with

friends –  one bedroom at the top of a Rockville skyscraper.

Sounds crazy expensive to me. Wrote a good poem –

capitol ghosts – today from the book R gave me.

Trying to think where to send it. Tomorrow’s my day off –

R coming over at 2.

CAPITOL GHOSTS

Pale Guiteau

slants his disappointed child’s face

downwards; the better to study bloodstains left

by assassins more accomplished than himself

who required benefit of anonymous surgeons

specially qualified for skewering

the muscles of the mighty.

The guard who saw him

claimed also to hear demon cats

and could not be relied upon.

these portents once were matters of

congressional dispute; now

no matter; caught within the marbled lurch

of history, victims

of the uninspired mad;

those who pursue the corpse from whom

the ghost escaped. He haunts our history

like the villainous barber who sings as he slits

both throats and wombs, a pure tune

some say, picked clean of tragedy

                               which only the dying hear.

Shalimar 7 Aug 76

                 Sitting here in a stupor of exhaustion. We had an

Al Green fan in here tonight – kept playing same song over

and over. Presumably working through some kind of

relationship crisis. They don’t realize coming here and blowing

their money kills any relationship – and I am not going to tell

them. Anyway I hate Al Green. Missed my bus this AM so

took the Fessenden bus and walked across. A better way to go –

I like the walk – to hell with this transfer business.

                 I have to admit R doesn’t seem to understand

poetry. He’s very suspicious of all ease, elegance, lightness.

Too much Nature!  “Work” should make you grit your teeth,

groan and bulge your forehead veins.   The easier it comes,

the less valuable it MUST be.  (He would hate Picasso’s very

best stuff!)  I’ve tried getting him to understand by comparing

art to athletics – it only looks easy – it’s the training beforehand

that’s so hard. The trick is to render training invisible. But he

seems to think modern poetry is a plot to make him look stupid.

                 Really worried about money lately – everything at

Unibank is bouncing. It doesn’t take much to set off a chain

reaction. Guess I’ll have to borrow from Avril after all.

                 How true it is that before you can love you must

love yourself. My love for myself is wavering. Just finished

Sean Stiles’ Occam’s Razor. I hate to see a good idea wasted.

Mostly I am depressed by the poor quality of the stories in

the Times Detective Story competition anthology. This is

something I should aspire to? I’m on a wonderful streak

of poetry – keep piling them up – got ophelia and

haunted house this eve.

OPHELIA WAS A MAN

The best revenge is growing up.

Behold a street of suicides –

Fringed lampshades &

Mullioned windows where

The dentist’s son grew dope

From seed (they had eight bathrooms and

The dentist couldn’t be everywhere)

His wife was nowhere; we saw her leave

With the cat in a suitcase clawing to get out.

“Crazier than thou” averred my aunt.

That boy blew the fruits of orthodontal science until

The day he blew his mind –

We traced the hissing-pissing-noise

To the garage of the stockbroker’s son; he’s

The one who stayed home from Yale to rewrite Hamlet

(Made it better – put in people you could recognize)

Type-cast himself – since he saw ghosts.

Two fine boys married to each other

Rosy-cheeked and sightless

In their parents’ wedding clothes.

                 Tomorrow R is taking me on a tour of the television

station and out to lunch. This is a biggie – see where he works.

                  So I had to buy a gorgeous black linen jumpsuit (size 5!) Should

be worn with high red heels – but needless to say, can’t around

R. So instead, flat sandals. Fortunately everything is on sale.

A and I have decided to ask Maeve to move in with us – we can’t

seem to manage alone and we do have three bedrooms, but

she’ll have to hide from the landlord. I hate to do it. Letter from

D today – he’s in love with the 18 yr old virgin daughter of his minister.

Didn’t do a thing to me. God bless ‘em.

                 Rick the gambler in tonight. He’s a friend of R’s – cheered

me up by telling me I’ve done so much for R who was really “hurting”

over his divorce.

                 Ryder – I love you – but I don’t really know who you are.  Hope you are who you pretend to be.

July 24, 2025
Inspired Pleasure – The Dance Diary of Alysse Aallyn

                 Fri 16 July 76 – Club Shalimar

                   A & I hung living room paintings today, and the last piece

was moved in. Half an hour till my date with Ryder. Will his

name mean anything to me in twenty years? Brought blow dryer,

change of clothes and unguents sufficient to slap me back into shape

after 7 hrs dancing. Idly listening to gossip of Randy

(bouncer), Jinx (dancer) and Bobbi (bartender).

                 A and I had pleasant evening last night – wild storm

and the power failed. So we went out walking afterwards with

dogs & flashlights. Fun looking into people’s houses, seeing

them move about with candles. What does the future hold?

I worry both that Ryder will be there and that he won’t be there.

Margery Sharp’s The Faithful Servants has a lot of sweetness.

                   17 July 76

                  Interesting date. I want to write about it but first I have

to say today has been a TERRIBLE day – I had to follow ex-stripper

named Edie who wore a black lace corset and gloves and carried

a whip onstage – everything but the donkey, as one of the other

dancers remarked. Then I had to listen to loud speculation on

how I got the bruise on my ass when it was my turn.

                 But Ryder Arlen. We had a wonderful dinner. He

ordered in Italian. The weirdest thing about him is that he

doesn’t like mushrooms. Long dinner, then over to the Gangplank

for Irish coffee. He insisted upon carrying me across two puddles –

he’s not very big and I was sure he’d get a hernia – but he made it.

                 We got back to Chevy Chase the house looked wonderful –

A had obviously slaved for hours. We had her down for a glass of

wine, then she went back upstairs. We ended up reading my poetry

I didn’t show him the erotic stuff because I didn’t feel the time was right.

He liked valentine the best –

Valentine

I sent myself in a letter

Heart-creased

Like a glove

Too much folded

An anecdote

Too much told

Dear stranger don’t

Lose me

I forgot the rule

(Hold back a copy)

                   Then we made out for hours. He was deliciously

passionate. I said, “You don’t want to end up in bed on the

first date, do you?” He said, “You pick the time and the place

but I hope it’s inevitable.”

                   I said it was certainly feeling that way but I’d have

to get to know him better. I wouldn’t let him take down the

top of my dress either. He left at 2:45 AM. He seems to

really care for me – so my worry that I’m just a first experiment

after leaving wife seems baseless. He invited me to go crabbing

tomorrow, then on a four-day cruise sometime in August.

                   Fri 23 July 76 – Tyler St, Chevy Chase, Maryland

                   R and I have seen each other every day since Fri –

I think he’s in love. I could fall if I let myself but something holds me back.

I like our relationship now – he drops by the house after work

and we’re both in jeans. I think tonight’s the night for sex –

first time – I’m nervous but since I love his body I expect

to be all right.

                  Adore these slow working mornings. I get up

with A (depending on when her first run is – she’s now

working courier) to have time to set my hair before leaving

at 10. Beautiful walks up Tyler St. Early AM at the Shalimar

such a pleasure  – sitting at the bar with my diary balanced

on my hipbones, watching the barmaids get ready,  feeling

like a character out of Toulouse Lautrec.

                 Yesterday we met across the street neighbors –

one of them is a gorgeous guy named Larry getting a degree

in Hospital Administration.  Among ourselves we call him

“Shoulders” because he has such a gorgeous pair. To see

them dimpled with sweat on his way back from a run is to be

in heaven.  Invited Larry and roommates Garrett and Opal to

dinner tomorrow night – if they can come.

Thurs 22 July 76 – 9:25 Pm

                   God I’m in love. I love his fragile, tense blond body –

love holding it. Love looking at his Lorenzo diMedici face.

Those blond Italians!  He wouldn’t like to hear me say it –

he has a black belt in karate and thinks he’s so tough – but

he probably only outweighs me by 20 lbs. Made love all afternoon –

he is very skilful – obsessed with my pleasure. Says he doesn’t

care if he ever comes – wants to see what gives a woman joy.

We fit together exactly  – interlocking puzzle pieces even

upside down.  I can feel his feet with my feet – his knees

with my knees – it’s like having a mirror body – only with a

hard chest and penis. After the first time the relief of the orgasm

was so great I wept. I fell asleep with him inside me. Wrote

a poem about him but don’t know if I want to show him.  If I

learned anything from Bruce it’s that people misrepresent.

He could be shockable and its early days yet. Today I want

to buy a bookcase.

                   Love equals, unfortunately, anxiety attacks – could

he possibly love me as much as I love him? Yesterday walking

in the park I expressed fear about him going straight from one

serious relationship right into another – but he says he refuses to

limit the experience.  Which of course was exactly the right answer.

The worst part is his trouble with my job.

                   He says he knows he can’t ask me to quit because

he can’t support me – I pointed out he wants me to go on the Divers

World expedition, and then to Cozumel, and I want to take him to Maine,

all of which would be impossible if I had a regular job. He says he

can deal with it only by avoiding the Shalimar – OK by me as long as

I see him outside. He came in today – I got rid of him after a half hour,

before my set.

11:05 AM – Shalimar Tues 27 July 76

                 Feel like throwing out all my diaries. Driveling gush broken

up by gushing drivel. But I go right ahead and produce some more.

Randy throwing ice and cases of beer, Bobbi cleaning trays, Carmen

checking paper towels and me writing. Perfect.

                 We were lying in bed – me and Ryder – I have to lie on his

right side because he only has one good ear – and he told me a long

purposeless allegory about bullfighting. Can’t tell which of us is the

supposed to be the matador. I’m the only one with a poetic license

in this relationship.) He said I should just write, and he’s going

to see to it.  I said fine by me. I love this job but not as much

as writing, love and freedom. Then he said, I love you.

July 23, 2025
Inspired Pleasure – The Dance Diaries of Alysse Aallyn
Fri. 16 April 1976 – 2 PM – Train to Philly – a zombified
redhead in suede coat, oversized purse & glasses.
Lacking mirrors, we lose our faces. Got to get my emotional
house in order but I can’t think how. I used to have a
roadmap and none of this was on it. What am I? An idiot?
No. Just an addict of spiritually orgasmic livnig. Still, all is
grist for the art mill.

Reading The Fortunate Miss East, a charming,
charming little novel. Aunt Fred picking me up – I’m scheduled
to read my poetry at Baldwin School.
```
    Zevin Towers – Wash DC 9:30 AM Wed 21 Apr 76
    Baby sis Avril and I are totally broke. We are eating 
```
our way thru Mom & Dad’s supplies. The grapenuts went first
then the soup. Now we are on sauerkraut and spinach.
Playing Fleetwood Mac & Jimmy Spheeris while sitting on
the balcony looking over Rock Creek Park. You don’t see one
building; Washington DC masquerades as a virgin world. I
need a job by next Mon. Something tells me I can’t finish my
novel and sell it in time. I refuse to be a cubicle drudge again
so what is there? Nude modeling sounds dangerous. Topless
dancing?

Avril admits she sits on a park bench instead of going
to class as she told Mom! Uh oh. She says she just can’t “make
herself” do things. What a relief to have someone worse off
than me.

How I wish I could fall in love with Marc Kramer. He’s longing to buy jewelry for someone! I could sell that rather than the contents of this old folks’ apartment. But he’s too sane if anything andwears funny old man lace-up shoes.

Plus he’s covered in a thick mat of dark fur. And there’s his endless talk about shorts,hedges, futures. PARALYZINGLY DULL. Raining outside.

Isn’t life rotten?
```
    10:50 AM Sun 2 May 76
    Answered an ad for “go-go girl”.  You wear fringed 
```
bikinis and go-go boots and dance for the troops! No
more than 2 gigs a day (gotta drive there) and
each one only lasts an hour so $60 seems very generous.

She asked for my “experience” – I said I used to be a Maxim’s
dancer! (I didn’t say it was for the nuns’ THEATRE
SCHOOL in Minnesota!)

DeeDee is giving me my schedule tomorrow.

Tips are welcome because I don’t get paid till the 15th. Have
to clean this apt and I don’t want to at all. Dad says apt
lease up in two months so I’ll have to find somewhere else
to live (Mom refuses to live here because 16th floor.) Dad
says men are put off by us because Avril and I are too
“masculine” by which he means determined, decisive and
pleasure seeking. (A. very disappointed because she’s had
two dates with Paul and no sex yet.) Reading
Spink’s Hans Christian Andersen and his World – what
a painful ugly duckling story!
```
    Tues. 4 May 76 9:45 pm
    Totally exhausted. Had to dance 2 hrs at Andrews 
```
AFB because my partner didn’t show up (but it’s double the
money.) Jefferson Starship’s Miracles my favorite song to
dance to. Soldiers always want to play I’m A Man and
that’s no fun. Of course I have seen Spencer Davis’ dark side up
close while I was trailing around dragging an echo-plex after
rockstar husband Bruce. Would be reading The Place at
Whitton by Thos Keneally if I could keep my eyes open.
```
    11:20 AM Sat 8 May 76
    No word from Beautiful Faraway Perfect Man 
```
Devon about whether he will ever visit, but speaking of
attractive young men I had a “conversion experience” at
the Ft. Myers’ officers club yesterday. I was registering
at the front desk when this young man with dark curly
hair and the face of an angel asked me who I was and
what I was up to. I was wearing my go-go outfit plus
military-style jacket so I did stand out. He wore a sweatband
around his head and was all set for running but his plans
changed in a flash. He would rather watch me dance instead.

His name is Frank and something Italian. Took me down to
the dark Hideaway Club and watched me the whole time –
playing and replaying the Pointer Sisters’ Chick on the Side.
I gave him my number and he gave me a $20 tip. Does he
represent a break from lonely masturbation? At this stage
of my relationship with Devon I can hardly be unfaithful.
We shall see.

Marc Kramer called offering to fly me to the island
and back for Memorial Day weekend. I have $266 in the bank.
Should I take him up on it? Just doesn’t feel right.
Wouldn’t be able to get rid of him when I wanted to.
I hate feeling “beholden.” Reading Norah Lofts’ Hauntings
to help me with my ghost stories.
```
    2:15 PM – Sun 9 May 76
    Lying in bed surrounded by Sun papers. Have decided 
```
to get tix for me and Avril to Royal Danish Ballet’s Triumph of Death,

Royal Ballet’s Romeo and Juliet and All’s Well That Ends Well
at the Folger Shakespeare Library. So glorious having money.
```
    Tues. 2:30 pm 18 May 76
    Guy came forward at the Army Navy Yard, offered 
```
me his card and said I could make a whole lot more money
dancing at his club. I have to admit this rushing around in a
car is getting old – our Gremlin AKA the “el Diablo” is acting up. ThinkI will go to his club, talk to the other dancers and see what
the scoop is. It is “topless”, but so what if you aren’t supposed
to (or expected to) “fraternize’ with the audience. There is a stage.

Went to look at a townhouse off Dupont Circle –
2 bedroom, $435 a month but no place for dogs. Can’t live without my dogs forever.

Jeannie and I perform at a private party in
Annandale. I am nervous but she is completely cool and they
are content to look. Avril has a new man – Jack.
```
    Wed 26 May 1976 – The Parkway East
    Waiting my turn to go on. Thought I was going to have 
```
dance alone but thank God Darby finally showed up – fucked up,
but she can dance. (Her boyfriend brought her.) Phoned Devon –
boy that was stupid – to see if he wanted to go to the island for
Mem Day Weekend. He is playing in a tennis tournament and not
“available”. Every time I reach out to him I feel like a sap.
Never know whether his mysterious “tides” are “in” or “out”.
He did his best to sound warm and affectionate but he is obviously very stressed – he was actually panting! Now he’ll have to meditate for a week. Must let this man go.

When I wail about him, Avril
makes me laugh by saying, “He’s GAY! He just won’t admit it!”
But I have to say in the sack he didn’t seem gay to me.
Genevieve invites us to NYC for Mem Day weekend.
She has filed for divorce and fallen in love with someone else.
Ex Kent doesn’t know but she warns us he is calling everyone in
the family begging us to intervene.
```
    2 PM – 9 June 76
    Sun night I invited Frank and his roommate to dinner.  
```
Horrible. They were 45 mins late and my blintzes were ruined.
Avril & roommate took against each other immediately. They
brought Thai sticks, we refused to smoke. On an up note I
took a cab to the Club Shalimar (Gremlin in shop) and the taxi
driver was so excited about having a poet in his car he didn’t
charge me. Said he had never met a poet before. (Gave him
a poem on the spot.) Shalimar seems possible – other dancers
like it but constant turnover; no one has been there long.
Bouncer very nice, and I can take a bus there so A. can have car.
Tempted to risk it.

11:05 PM – waiting for Jeannie in the empty Bethesda
Naval Officers Club. She is giving me a ride home. She is an
interesting person – has done a lot of nude modeling – showed
me her portfolio. Very Playboy. Officers keep marching through
in their whites. They are very polite.
```
    Fri. 11 June 76 8:15 PM - 
    Things could hardly be worse.  Got my hair cut the 
```
other day – I only wanted a trim – he absolutely butchered me.
It is barely shoulder length and it looks like a cow slept in it.
I hate all hairdressers, gynecologists and dentists – you’re just
completely helpless in their hands. Plus I got another piercing
in each ear and the left one seems infected. Now my face looks
crooked. Also having my period so I am swollen up like I’m
pregnant. Avril has a college friend (male) coming for the
weekend and she is beating herself up – “Why did I say yes?”
She would call and cancel if only he had a phone.

On the plus side, tips at the Shalimar are really
good and the dancing is as energetic as you feel like –
which means standing there swaying is Just Fine. You
can rock yourself to sleep if you want to. Of course my
ego won’t allow too much relaxation.

Piece of good news – agent loves my gothic novel!
Reading The Royal Victorians. Gremlin seems stabilized
so Avril applied for a job as a driver with a messenger service.
```
    Fri. 18 June 76 ll:00 Am
    A’s friend a complete bozo.  Fortunately he has other
```
places to be so we hardly see him. Huge sigh of relief and
lesson learned. Let’s just hope he doesn’t steal the silver.
DeeDee and I come to a Sad Parting of the Ways – her
money too small, gas costs, etc.

A and I got a wonderful 3 bedroom in Chevy Chase
on a charming little side street but the landlord very snooty
about only 2 tenants. We said OK, OK. Big yard. I can
have my dogs! Moving in July 5. Struggling with Christina
Stead’s Puzzleheaded Girl. She is overrated. Maybe I can’t
read fiction any more.
```
    Fri 25 June 76 – Club Shalimar 
    Eating free scrambled eggs the cook gave me: 
```
“Somebody’s got to eat them” while waiting to go on. A lot
of interesting men come into this place. None perfect obviously
– and unfortunately I need more than perfection. I need
mysticism, competence and money-earning capabilities. Shalimar owner seems to be something of a gangster.

I got 2 standing ovations today.

The job is actually enjoyable. I am really getting
into it – dancing for pleasure – for the connection with
the audience. They stare spellbound like deer in the
headlights. Feel like I’m living in a Simenon novel as
I learn the ins and outs.

Avril loves her new job – thank God – they
want her to do dispatch (no wear and tear on fragile Gremlin)
and the drivers are all foreigners who don’t know the city.
She’s always yelling at them to “Look out the car window
and tell me what you see.”

Met the most charming little man – a TV director
at a local station – speaks sign language, is a magician
and a karate black belt, he’s just so full of joie de vivre.
His name is Ryder and his excitement about me puts
my non-relationship with Devon in a new light. Reading
Meyer’s Ibsen.
```
    1:15 AM – Sat 3 July 76
    We’re supposed to “wait” in the dressing room 
```
but they don’t seem to care if you don’t so I spend all my
time talking to Ryder. He says he’s just separating from
his wife and it’s extremely traumatic. They have been
together since high school. He’s a tad hyper – always on
the go, but very entertaining. He usually brings me gifts –
flowers, magazines, stuffed toys and cards. Also he’s a
diver and underwater photog. Today he brought pink roses.

Avril warns me not to fall in love. Just date.
Easy to say! I want security, privacy, ecstasy, exclusivity…
and love. It’s a problem!

The oilman came to the house today says he’s
shocked we have no credit references and will have to pay
COD! Fortunately, I had just got off work and I had the cash
on me but I don’t like it at all. Guess we won’t need
much oil till winter. Let’s hope.

Ryder gave me a long spiel about how he
gave another dancer a ride home (Darlene) and she
expected him to go to bed with her and he said, I don’t do
that. I could tell he was sounding me out! I said,
I don’t either! No sex, ever! Sex, bad. He laughed till
it hurt and he begged for mercy.

Poor Avril had a long hard
day – 7:30 AM to 6:30! I promised to take her out to eat at
Steak & Egg if she picks me up. She said make it Bob’s
and it’s a deal.

Sat 10 July 76 – 9 pm – Shalimar
7 hours packing at Zevin Towers before I showed up here.

10:30 AM Tues 6 July 76
Sitting on a mattress on the floor of my Tyler St

bedroom surrounded by a jumble of stuff. So exciting
starting a New Life. This time I am waiting for the gasman
– if he doesn’t come by 1 pm I have to leave.

9:25 PM – sitting in the Shalimar dressing room
eating a plum. Last night A and I saw Antonioni’s The
Passenger. Goes down with La Prisonniere, Persona,
Pierrot Le Fou and Weekend as one of my favorite all-time
films. So perfectly constructed it was like a series of Canalettos.
Ryder just asked me if I wanted to go to dinner some-
time. I said sure. He asked me about a lot of Italian food I
didn’t recognize – I said I like everything. Covered with sweat
from dancing to ”No one knows what its like to be the bad man…”
have to take it really slow, freezing in a series of poses. Then
suddenly I meet someone’s eyes and he drops his drink.

I hate packing. Getting to
be a bit of a trial having Ryder in the bar all the time. His
expressions embarrass me to dance around him. I said I
thought this place was full of stories. He said, don’t stay
here just to pick up stories. He said he would “subsidize”
me to keep me from “doing this.” Hmmmm. Right after
talking about how little money he’ll have when he splits
with his wife!

He’s been offered a job in Detroit for a lot more
money – that’s how they get ahead in his business –
jump from station to station. I told him he should take it –
turned out that was the “wrong thing” because he hoped
I’d want him here. But I told him, I’m a citizen of the world.
I can go anywhere. Fear only empty experiences. So he says,
why are you doing this? I said, to meet you.
Otherwise he is perfect. So charming, smart and
funny, with so much ambition, spirituality and humility.

4 sets left – then 2 days off. Just bought 3 costumes from
Sunny for $30. Feeling personally confident in a way I
haven’t for years. R invites me out to dinner next week.
Have to buy special shoes so I won’t be too tall and tower
over him. Today marks year and a half since my separation from Bruce.
July 22, 2025
The Demon Lover – a play for two voices by Alysse Aallyn

6. ENTREGARME – SURRENDER

EVAN
I am utterly becalmed.
What I dread most is silence,
The latest form of impotence.
I need stringing up and tautening.
This is the
Revenge of love. Its revenge on me.

EVA
I am suffused with love because I am free.
My work becomes our child,
Our extension. Immortal. Still,
Something vanishes when you’re not there.

EVAN
Elayna broke her hip.
How irreplaceable she is to me.
Our brand of married happiness is entirely unsung.
I shrink to leave her even for a day.

EVA
I’m sorry it wasn’t fatal.
Am I so dispensable to you?
You love no one. If you turn against me
I’ll die in a week because
I have no one looking after me.

EVAN
Turn against you! Agonizing!
In spite of the hangover of humiliation
I broke down all reserves so we could be together.
A very happy day and I was sorry to leave you.

EVA
Wed & sad.
Past distress muffled by age & habit.
Today we meet formally as if at a garden party.
A promise unfulfilled.
Miracles happen but
The gift of love is guilt & pain.

EVAN
You looked so ill
I was nagged by fear I bored you.
I long for the happiness of old age,
Guilt free, pain free, fear free.

EVA
I invited Elayna to lunch.

EVAN
I am not best pleased.
Your ghost will haunt me till I die.
The day you come to like each other
It will be poison to our love.

Elayna rarely admits depression.
I have had not just love but loyalty.
You force ruthlessness.
It is a good thing your throat is sore
Or you would never stop talking.

EVA
Are you sending me your signet ring?
I want something solid to remember you by.
A last communion.
Dodging death, I fight off this
Paralyzing loneliness.

(EVA fades away. EVAN is alone.)

EVAN
Is the flaw in love a flaw in me?
I never should have married.
My heart jumps with pain like a hooked fish.
I am rudderless. Upon your death
My ring comes back,
All your contrivances revealed.

Now that you are gone, I find you everywhere.
It’s hard to take in the fact that
We will never see each other again;
Never, never, never.
You are gone from me forever.

I walk the streets and weep.
Is this delayed shock? Boredom or despair?
I will never cease to feel this pain till
I cease feeling anything.
For the last three nights, I dreamed of you.

Did I anger you, neglect you?
It’s too late to pray –
I await your final book with horror.
I need to know I was your life.
Please come back one last time
For just an hour.
If you ever thought you loved more than I
You are now
Revenged.

July 21, 2025
The Demon Lover – a play for two voices by Alysse Aallyn

VOLCADA – CAPSIZED

EVA
Allen’s buried.
Without husband, I re-experience my youth.
Oh, the bafflement of the young!
I broke off my first
Engagement because I loved too much
And cast about for a spouse I could
Control. I believe you did that, too.

EVAN
I experienced our parting as unbearable.
I had to run away –
Your rush of talk was like someone bursting into tears.
I felt like an executioner robbing you of sleep.
Without you
My nose began to bleed and
It’s been bleeding ever since.
We must love each other less to become more tranquil.

EVA
I am a witch and you should fear me.
I glow with contempt and boredom and fury.
I don’t understand why
I can’t experience life by your side.
We share the same senses,
The same vein of joy.
Our life together is timeless, continuous.

EVAN
Your letter fraught with dynamite.
I can never be alone, it is me and the gin bottle.
I am home nowhere now – except with you.

EVA
Please don’t get yourself into a state –
But Edgar has proposed, forcing me to face the fact
That I literally cannot live without you.

EVAN
I dread you will succumb to Edgar.
You called him “sweet” and “cozy” and “brilliantly entertaining”
And I am none of those things. Did you bewitch him?
I ask in my persecuted voice.
It would be your ultimate justice, sending me to hell.
We lose each other by inches.
Aren’t we doing that already?

EVA
I can’t show Edgar the brutal candor
Behind my loving kindness.
He mistakes the hostess for a person.
I arrange my flowers in symbols of you
And everyone’s too stupid to notice.
To bed alone again tonight.
I wish Elayna would die.
Then we should be equals.

EVAN
I must refuse your guilt.
I feel a shift in the angle of vision
Further from you than ever.
A foreboding so final it seemed the end.
Your pleading for our life dissolves my will.

EVA
I am gnawed by an aching hopeless wish.
Loneliness leads to breakdown,
Becomes dementia. I batter
Around the rooms of this castle,
Brightly-plumaged,
Knocking into furniture,
A tragic bird who’s trapped indoors.
Even dizzy with drink I maintain the frigidity
Of an Edwardian hostess
Intolerant of scenes at meals.
Without you life’s a half-lit room.

EVAN
I’ve become a character in your melodrama
An absurd scalawag of romantic vice.
Let’s reject this
Hopeless dilemma.

EVA
What could be more beautiful than our ten days in New York,
Among perverted architecture.
No loss of illusion there, rather an increase.
I’m in the midst of a dreary financial crisis,
Having breakdown on my feet.
I hope I don’t sound too shocked and sad.
You are life to me as nothing is.
My fingers still tremble,
Touching you after 17 years.

EVAN
This is the Eva I first met, first knew, first loved.
We waited it out and didn’t lose each other.
I was sane or mad to doubt you & myself.
We are like two people sweating blood
I dread losing you
But Elayna’s power still holds me.
One of you may do me harm.

EVA
Thanks for the cash,
I hope it doesn’t embarrass you too much.
You are a reviver and a balm.
We shall be in Paris together before we die.

EVAN
If you want me to be unselfish, let me be unselfish.
You are my greatest friend. I’m
Trying to keep off the drink while you’re here,
Otherwise I know I’ll wreck everything.
Three manhattans makes me crazy.
Your feverish cheer does not seem solid.
Is this the wreckage of our love?
Once frightened of your clinical eye
Now I’m more frightened of my own.
I’ve matriculated in
Your fearful university.

EVA
We sheer away in horror
Scenting fumes of evil
As we lose control.
Defeat and exhaustion, alarm and despondency.
Demoralized and sad.
Slam down the lid on pain and resentment:
I have taken against your family.
Let’s dance. To sit
In silence denigrates our love.

EVAN
My heart aches for you.
We talked for the first time in weeks
About hurt and resentment.
I could manage my life if it weren’t for you
And you could manage yours if it weren’t for me.
You infect me with your despair and I flee to my wife
To release the pressure.
Her quickening influence works my imagination.

EVA
I hate that you travel the world without me.
You pervade that place as God pervades our hearts.
I obsess that you’re in places where I’m not.
I could not live without seeing you. Yet
Our visit may turn sour.

EVAN
Everything except your beautiful self rusts
Or dies or goes away.
My love only seems dead;
it’s alive underneath. If you die
I shall never forgive you.

We need ideas that are less about ourselves.

EVA
My rage is based on my assumption
Of togetherness and my
Secret fear you’re being got at when
We could be so snug together.

EVAN
I hurt Elayna tonight
But there’s no help for it.
She cares for me and I only care for a life apart.
A clean break, an amputation
Makes me frantic and guilty.
She says we have a happy marriage only because
She willed it. This smell of death and decay
Makes me long for sex.
Could you help me find a girl – any girl you choose –
Or will you call me a sex mad degenerate?
Panic makes my hands shake.
I thought of Elayna and I wept.

EVA
I received your sad, wild letter.
I accept that you can’t free yourself.
Do you accept it?
I feel so very near you.
I accept that you make sex
Desperately with strangers –
Do you accept it?
Can anyone love such a cold-blooded person?

EVAN
How silly I am, I thought
I reconciled to our ending,
Expecting a collapse of tension & illusion.
But it’s a prospect I just can’t face.

July 20, 2025
The Demon Lover – a play for two voices by Alysse Aallyn
2 – Cadena – Enchainment
EVAN
A happy guilty day full of betrayals
Kept me in an extraordinary state
Of fascination. I’ve lied to everyone for
So long, I feel certain that truth
Is beyond me.

EVA
I’d rather see you dead at my feet
Than dead ON your feet.
That would be a mercy killing –
The last unbearable agony –
Wondering if you existed at all.

I have small talent for this.
I have disgraced my idealism,
Pretending boredom can be fruitful.
Waiting, waiting for you everywhere. I
Wake one day to find I’ve lost my looks, my hair,
fascination, brain – everything.

EVAN
You’re only waking up
In an empty hotel.
The light is always different
The morning after.
This is what middle-aged people do.
I love the brutality of your world.
You never fade. You are my word made flesh.

EVA
You are my religion.
Until In fell in love with you I was 25 inside.
I lived in a world of dreams and theories.
Your experiences seem realer to me than mine.

EVAN
Social instinct is my religion.
You have the bravery and intelligence
Men are supposed to have
But never do.
To have touched the same places
Is a bond between us.
I never think of my deficiencies –
Or how could I forgive myself?

EVA
Middle-aged people go to weddings
Out of perverse fascination for the bride.
I was that bride –
My day was all champagne.
Anaesthetized
It doesn’t hurt so much.
Such a sense of enormity came over me
I almost fainted. I gave Allen the dirtiest look: “You caused this.”

Without a wedding dress
I was a restless, dowdy snob.
People were falling in love left and right –
Even in decaying marriages.
I wanted that –
He read my subtext.
And I was caught.

EVAN
These dreary parties have a decaying effect.
My loneliness for you is like a whiplash.
Your absence is a bitter injury
But nothing can injure our love –
We’re too strong for them.
I’m silenced till I hear from you.

If I let myself go I would feel desperate.
I can’t bear you’re going to France without me –
But –
isn’t love our country?

EVA
I won’t say “I’ll die if you don’t come”
Because I know you would come if you possibly could.
What a skeleton in the cupboard a wife is.

EVAN
Don’t be jealous of Elayna. You are the only goal
Toward which my life is tending.
You are the meaning of my life.
I could never live for work alone.

EVA
You enlarge my soul.
In your mind is my existence.
You’re more real to me than me.
I’m in a peculiar psychic state.
It’s an atmosphere of illusion.
I envy Elayna all the time.
It drips like an irritant over my nerves.

EVAN
What of Allen? You
Have your worse half too.
I don’t waste my time
Being jealous of him.

EVA
Oh, Allen spends time lost in woods,
Falling in love with trees. He’s
No threat to anyone.

EVAN
To understand one’s destiny
One needs a framework for this mass of experience.
How can I live separated from you?
If I stopped caring for you
I couldn’t care for anything.

I need my wife, her whip-cracking organization.
I loathe living in the squalor I get to on my own.
Having breakfast OUT of bed is the last horror.
Miasmic feelings of impossibility and terror. Help me.

EVA
We help each other
By existing. Except for God I have no help but you.
Our love is growing more formidable as our unshakeable belief
Grows stronger. Like grace, it renews itself.
All yesterday I glowed. My inability to accept your wife
Is my deformity – help me with it.
The light of our love is the only light for me.
July 17, 2025
The Demon Lover – a play for two voices by Alysse Aallyn

THE DEMON LOVER

I. ABRAZO – THE EMBRACE

EVAN

I like women willful, late
For appointments,
fond of showy clothes and society, vague, drifting, dreamy,
yet of course all of that is tiresome.

Love mingles with irritation.
But I don’t like competence, intellectual honesty, intelligent sensuality.
Women who turn on me saying,
“You don’t love me.”

What good is it to have been so happy
when it ends so painfully?
I am a “crook”, a “torturer of women”,
“Murderer.” She makes me feel a monster.

Below the surface of the will
I feel deep animal distress, as if I had wives
Hidden away somewhere; perhaps
That is why I had to marry
My present wife.

EVA
If you start “trying to be good”
that will really come between us.
It’s too unattractive. What are you up to?

I dream of a small house in Burgundy but
You must help me pay the rent.
Having a home is a form of egotism.
My beautiful one, you could make me so happy.

Selfishly I want you here
So I don’t have to hallucinate your nearness.
What’s that wife of yours –
What do you call her –
Elayna –
Thinking in her frozen chamber?

I’m feeling sorrow at our growing separation.
Can’t we pull out of the world’s battle and live in retreat?
Grant me one last happiness
Before the sufferings of
Pain and old age.

EVAN
I can’t keep up with life’s ambiguous futility.
Is happiness just “freedom from pain”?
Life is unendurable without you.
People here are flirtatious but not sexy.
it’s so boring here
I’m hardening my heart to give up my home.

EVA
I find your misery gratifying.
This power of enjoyment comes from being an artist,
It is the secret of my strength.
When I was younger I used to
Accommodate everyone –
Now I’m recalcitrant.

It hurts because the sword runs through both of us.
You’re never out of my thoughts, but
Sadness dulls one.
Honestly, I always risk failing you,
Failing you in outstandingness.

You are extraordinary, I am extraordinary,
we have been extraordinary together.
Specimens under glass.

The agonizing force of missing you
Is sweeping over me.
We have eternity connecting us,
Backward & forward but I just
Can’t get anyone to believe it.

EVAN
Would my death simplify things?
My wife struggles with carrying the conversation
While I stare glumly at the rain.
We go to an expensive little restaurant
And pretend we are on a date to really talk.
My double life begins the moment
I say “Are you in love with me”?
And really mean “Am I in love with you?”

EVA
That woman’s killing you.
Imagine if you were dead and your wife
Wrote a book explaining you
To everyone! That’s true suffering –
Fodder for the mealy-mouthed.

EVAN
My wife won’t be writing any books
About me or about anything. You’re the one
To write the book. And
I feel safe in your witch-like hands.

EVA
Except I’ve told you over and over
You’ll outlive me. Because
You’re a killer.
Or your wife is.

You look younger than I’ve ever seen you.
Have you gone queer? I fear
I’ll die of my addiction –
We always do.
We prefer it.
Will you write about me?

July 16, 2025
Butterfly Language for Caterpillars – Soulmate Seeking with Alysse Aallyn

Orchid = UNIQUENESS “In the Butterfly Pavilion”

“Singletons”

You will never rub the edges off each other, says the Orchid – and that is a good thing. You don’t want to. We’re not here to “bland out” or diminish each other. We are here to enhance and free each other.

We pay homage to each other’s special qualities. Naturally it helps to know where each other is headed but not even the Self really know that. Ultimately, we are mysteries to each other.

We must be each other’s Map and each other’s Mirror. The challenge is to accept and honor each other’s strangeness; singularity. You were drawn together for a reason. Sometimes it prickles and we feel ourselves shrink, or even withdraw. That is the rhythm of the tango we have undertaken.

Many Soulmates welcome costume and role play to try to express the range of interests, the force of questions, the eagerness of exploring and adventuring we will always have. The key is to be aware of the rhythms of advance, retreat, resist, re-fashion, re-remember. Expect these. They are necessary to our continued growth. Our relationship is a greenhouse and we must check constantly on the health of our tiny plants. Fill air and soil with love and…release.

In the Butterfly Pavilion

This evening you said you wished
I was more conventional.
I bowed my head. I did not speak.
Outside the animals leaned together,
Holding breath
To hear my answer.
The cats-tongue ferns
Swelled up like swords, pushed out the stink
Of possibility while
The rabbit-blooded lawn curled back:
Sows littered in the cyclamen
Phlox flamed
Dwarf stars
Broke free
Spew molten ore
Across a sky now
Darkening to night.
Nighttime is my kingdom.
I fold my hands in my sleeves and
Wait.

March 31, 2025