(SCENE 8. Lights up on our sleeping couple. BO and VAYRE emerge from the other side of the stage.)
BO There they are! (HEDJ sits up but does not rise)
HEDJ Finally!
BO Yeah, I see how hard you were looking for us!
HEDJ Buddy, I got swept away by a RIVER of SLIME! What’s your excuse?
REV (Opening her eyes sleepily)
I can’t believe dream telepathy actually works!
(Noting the rope)
How come you two are all tied up?
BO So we wouldn’t get separated!
(Strikes his forehead)
Boom! You’re welcome!
REV Wow! How romantic!
HEDJ Seriously we DREAMED you into finding us. Boom!
(Strikes his forehead)
You’re welcome!
(The two men square off)
BO While you were DREAMING we were searching! Guess which takes more effort?
HEDJ
It’s work SMARTER, not HARDER!
VAYRE Well, WE fell into a pile of bat carcasses!
BO I rescued her!
REV Disgusting? Or romantic? Why are those two so often the same?
VAYRE What got you so sleepy all of a sudden?
REV Rescuing HIS sorry ass from the river of slime!
HEDJ (Jovially)
I lost everything!
(REV & HEDJ hug)
BO Way to go!
(He & HEDJ high five while the girls roll their eyes)
VAYRE
We’ll never get out of now. We just keep getting deeper. It’s hopeless.
(This makes HEDJ scramble to his feet)
HEDJ I bet you weren’t even searching for us! You were just trying to get out. Some friend you are. What happened to the Bro Code?
BO Think I should have jumped in for a swim, like you did? I had a beautiful girl to look after!
REV Wow. This guy’s special!
VAYRE
Isn’t he? He’s a keeper!
HEDJ LUCKILY my brain is more powerful than yours!
(The men look like they might fight.)
VAYRE Guys, stop it. Everyone found everyone and now we have to find a way out. Four brains are better than one.
HEDJ We could look for a shortcut.
BO
And BACK to the stupid ideas!
VAYRE
This better not be another digging scenario.
HEDJ
No, smart thinking, not hard thinking.
(Taps his forehead)
We need to look for a wormhole.
BO
You are kidding me!
REV
No, seriously, listen to him! He brought you here by MENTAL TELEPATHY! I didn’t think it would work either!
VAYRE
Like a wormhole with WORMS?
HEDJ
No. Quantum tunneling!
REV
Quantum tunneling? Is that a thing?
VAYRE
Like an energy path to another dimension.
BO
Science fiction!
REV
But I liked the old dimension!
VAYRE
Did you? Did you REALLY?
VAYRE
(Holding BO’s hand) Until I had Bo.
REV
Nobody ever “has” ANYBODY!
(HEDJ holds up REV’s hand)
HEDJ
But you and I have each other! So, see? We’re in another dimension already!
BO
Any way out is a way out that WORKS is all right with me. The proof is in the pizza.
VAYRE
Tacos.
BO
Whatever.
REV How do you find a wormhole? How do you even recognize one?
HEDJ They’re reflective, like one of those mirrored balls. It’s a curve.
BO Oh, for Christ’s sake!
REV It sounds CRAZY!
HEDJ Hey, I studied physics! I’m not making this stuff up – some guy at Caltech discovered it. What’s the point of a million dollar education if you never use what you learn?
VAYRE It just sounds so impossible.
BO If they exist, how come I’ve never seen one?
REV How do you know you haven’t? You probably thought it was a garden ball!
HEDJ They can’t exist where people congregate, otherwise it would already have been discovered. You have to look for a wormhole where no one has ever been. This is the perfect place!
REV So what are we supposed to do when we see one?
HEDJ Jump in!
BO Says the man who JUMPED into a RIVER of SLIME!
REV But wouldn’t we be like – destroyed? Blasted apart?
HEDJ No. The curved, reflecting properties keep the energy stable. You wouldn’t want a wormhole that DOESN’T look like a garden ball.
VAYRE But where do they go?
HEDJ Anywhere. Forward, the past, different worlds – who knows?
REV But if they are stable theoretically that means we COULD return. I mean, if we wanted to.
HEDJ Sure. Why not?
BO That’s if we WANTED to.
VAYRE We could return prepared! Like with better equipment! I don’t know about you but I’ve never been prepared. For anything.
REV Equipment would be nice. ANY equipment would be nice.
VAYRE I don’t want to go back into the past before fake nails or dishwashers.
REV Or birth control or dentists.
BO Don’t worry about that. Time travel CAN’T happen!
HEDJ And why’s that?
BO Because of the grandmother paradox! Because you’d mess up your own birth, that’s why!
REV (Separating them)
Let’s agree that nothing that CAN’T happen will happen! OK? You’re officially arguing about NOTHING.
HEDJ Guess I’m a born lawyer, too!
VAYRE
(Shining her light upwards)
If it would reflect a face, wouldn’t it reflect light?
BO I guess it would have to.
REV But how can we see everywhere?
HEDJ We can see everywhere because there are four of us! It’s like the magic number!
VAYRE Got it!
(They link arms backwards, leaning out)
HEDJ Rev, shine your light up there.
REV I think I see something.
VAYRE But it’s too far up.
HEDJ We’ll have to investigate. Rev’s good with a lasso.
REV Thanks but there’s nothing up there to hold onto.
BO We could climb if we all work together.
VAYRE Let’s make a pyramid!
(They mimic climbing, building a series of yearning, reaching pyramids with each getting a chance for the top and seeming to haul the next up after)
BO Hold my hand!
VAYRE I think I see something!
HEDJ Grab on!
REV Here we go!
BO Oh, my God what’s that?
(Breathing heavily they drop to their knees in a tight knot looking out at the audience. Lights in the theatre suddenly go up and the four gasp with astonishment, vault joyously to their feet)
(SCENE 7: Lights out on them and up on BO who has made it to the stage where he finds the rope tied to a rock.)
BO Vayre? Vayre? Oh, my God, Wendy where are you?
(He falls backwards. She appears around the rock adjusting her pants.)
VAYRE No need to shriek like a little girl.
BO You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought I was alone down here! What’s with this?
(Shakes the rope)
This wasn’t part of our deal!
VAYRE Keep your shirt on! I had to take a pee!
BO You can pee with a rope tied to your waist!
VAYRE Who elected you the God of pee?
BO And I was risking my life FOR YOU among the bat carcasses!
VAYRE I warned you never to say that word!
(BO produces the program and hands it to her.)
BO (Starts untying the rope from the rock) I fulfilled MY part of our bargain. Now you put this right back on!
VAYRE What for? We’re standing six inches apart!
BO So we NEVER get separated again! Don’t you see, it’s a miracle you found your way back! Down here that’s no joke! We’re DEAD if we don’t get out together.
VAYRE I was right over there! I wasn’t getting lost. No one sets out to get lost. Hmmm. Let me guess: you’re the child of divorce.
BO Who isn’t? I thought all marriages immediately expired after fifteen years.
VAYRE Seven years in MY parents’ case. But mine isn’t going to.
BO But how can you stop it? Seems everyone just goes crazy after a set period of time. We have different set points is all.
VAYRE But can’t a couple like, evolve together?
BO (Finding this sexy) Into what…a new species?
VAYRE (Ditching the program)
This isn’t it! You’ve lost my map! Now we have to operate on theory alone.
BO Sounds dangerous. Which theory are you using?
VAYRE
Unified field? If we’re acting like waves and they’re acting like particles then –
BO
I operate on Meeny-Miny-Mo theory. YOU lost it. So it’s your turn to go search.
(Begins tying the rope to her waist)
If I tug three times…
VAYRE (Gulping) You know I can’t do that! What about the bat carcasses?
BO Then we’ll go together. We’ll trust our instincts. We’ll…evolve.
(He passes a loop of rope around her drawing her closer to him.)
VAYRE You now, it’s funny. I’m not scared when you’re here.
BO (Looking down realizes they are securely bound together)
Then I suggest we make camp.
VAYRE Make camp! With a half bottle of Gatorade and a power bar?
BO Sure! Wait for THEM to find US.
(She throws a loop of rope around him)
VAYRE Help, help.
(Not like she means it.)
How long do we wait?
BO As long as it takes, Wendy Vayre.
(They are securely bound hip to hip. Tentative kisses.)
VAYRE Let’s hope it takes forever, Darcy.
(More kisses)
I’m a little concerned about your friend.
BO MY friend? Not your friend?
VAYRE If Rev finds your friend she’s probably strangling him right now.
BO Why? Is she a mean girl?
VAYRE She’s mad at you guys over this whole caving thing. She doesn’t like that many people and she’d HATE you.
(Throws her arms around his neck.)
BO What’s so hate-worthy about me?
VAYRE That this bad, bad date was your idea.
BO I’m a bad date, am I?
(They start kissing passionately.)
VAYRE You have your good side. But seriously! This is the worst!
BO Worst place you’ve ever hooked up? Seriously?
VAYRE Who says we’re hooking up?
BO Right. No hookups. We’re…evolving. That’s how I interpret it.
VAYRE Interpretations aren’t reality. What if we never see each other again?
BO Fat chance of that when we’re entangled!
VAYRE Listen buddy, I can imagine the future.
BO Well, stop it. People get into a lot of trouble over that. You’re a prophet now?
VAYRE Yeah. And I’m usually right.
BO I’m ready to be surprised.
(Thinks)
Unless you decide you never want to see me again.
VAYRE That depends.
BO It DEPENDS? On what? On how we evolve?
VAYRE On how good you are at getting us out of here. I mean, are you just a handsome dolt, or what?
BO
(Very gratified) You think I’m handsome?
VAYRE
(Running her hands up and down his arms)
I think you’re very good looking.
BO
You should have seen me in high school! I had a serious case of pizza face.
VAYRE
Everyone’s hopeless in high school. I was flat as a board.
BO
You? Flat?
(He tests it out) VAYRE As a BOARD.
(More kissing)
I warn you, my standards are high. Don’t start anything you can’t finish.
BO
You can afford to have high standards. But you’re lucky with me. I’m a finisher.
VAYRE
You are?
BO
Big time. You know I‘m the first in my family to go to this college?
VAYRE
I’m impressed.
BO
That’s why I’m determined to be a doctor. Unless they kick me out first.
VAYRE
They wouldn’t do that.
BO
Grades, money. They’re always on my case.
VAYRE
Why’s that?
BO
I do finally get there but…I’m slow.
VAYRE
That’s not a bad thing. I like a guy who paces himself. You don’t know how to talk to them, probably. Bureaucratese is a who separate language.
BO
Ain’t that the truth! The dean keeps sending me these emails and –
VAYRE
You ignore them, am I right?
BO
I can never make up my mind what they want me to say.
VAYRE
I’ll tell you what to say. When they pull that on you, go plant yourself in his office, shake the emails at them and demand, “How is this happening?”
BO
I can’t see me doing that. I get tongue tied. I can see YOU doing it. I can see you winning at it, too!
VAYRE
You don’t win UNLESS you do it.
BO
Yeah, well I’m not a pretty girl. Pretty girls get whatever they want.
VAYRE
You think I’m pretty? My Mom says my nose is too big.
BO
She’s jealous. Tell her she can’t talk to you like that.
VAYRE
I can’t see ME telling her that, but I can see you doing it! And getting away with it!
BO
I’d tell her in a heartbeat.
VAYRE
Here’s an idea: you go with me to Thanksgiving and I’ll go with you to the dean’s office. Deal?
BO
Deal and done!
VAYRE
That’s if we ever get out of here.
BO
Oh, we’re getting out of here! We’ll get out here if I have to dig a path to the surface!
VAYRE
My lucky day when I found you!!
BO
(Unwrapping rope)
Let’s start now!
VAYRE
But what about our friends? We have to find them!
BO
Maybe they’re already out of here. Why should we rescue them if they wouldn’t rescue us!
VAYRE
We would have seen them!
BO
Maybe they don’t want to be interrupted.
VAYRE
Believe me, my friend wants to be “interrupted”.
BO
Is your friend a good wrestler?
VAYRE
What do you want to know THAT for?
BO
Because Hedj is not as strong as he looks. I can take him. His only advantage is surprise.
VAYRE
Rev is a champion kickboxer. She’s never surprised. She always expects THE WORST.
(She feels his muscles appreciatively)
BO
Then she’ll be fine. Seriously, it’s time to get out of here. It’s all you can eat taco night.
VAYRE
Crispy or soft?
BO
Crispy all the way. Those things are like giant Doritos.
VAYRE
Let’s agree to disagree. We’re finding our friends.
(They try to step apart but…)
VAYRE
Guess you’ll have to untie me.
BO
I might loosen your bonds a little.
VAYRE
Just a little.
(Another passionate makeout session)
BO
Now my brain’s in a tailspin.
VAYRE
What’s back that way?
BO
The world?
VAYRE
All you can eat tacos.
BO
Civilization! And back that way?
VAYRE
Cold, dark emptiness.
BO
We’ve been wrong before.
VAYRE
But if we can’t trust our instincts, what have we got?
BO
Cold dark you-know-what. Let’s go!
SCENE 5: Bo Tries to reach over an audience member – pulls 3 times on his rope – whose end disappears into darkness.)
BO (To audience member) Work with me here. You got anything? I have to take her SOMETHING.
(Audience members confer. The hand him a program. Putting it in his mouth like a dog BO gets down on hands and knees and starts to crawl back. Darkness on him, lights up on HEDJ & REV.)
SCENE 6: HEDJ & REV are lying on their backs, clothing disarranged, staring up at the ceiling panting. Long pause. )
REV Oh, my God that was fantastic. I’m still feeling it.
HEDJ So…do you believe in God?
REV I most definitely do not.
HEDJ You talk a lot about God for a person who doesn’t believe in God.
REV God! I do not! I believe in karma though. This whole thing started out as incredibly bad karma.
HEDJ You believe in karma?
REV The way I see it, you HAVE to. What goes around comes around. It all started when I nicknamed Muffy McGuire “Muffintop”. She’s been a monster ever since.
HEDJ So everything’s YOUR fault?
REV Only my part of it! You’ve got your own karma, buster.
HEDJ There was that white light, though. I definitely saw it.
REV Dude, that was just your brain cells bubbling in a mix of boiling adrenalin and your own fat.
HEDJ Mrs. Cryder, though. I remembered her name! What the heck was she doing there?
REV Random. Purely random.
HEDJ She was always telling me I wasn’t living up to my fullest potential.
REV
See? It’s like some Freudian thing.
HEDJ I feel like it meant something I should figure out but I still can’t. She was always talking about “The Third Solution.”
REV
The third solution or the Final Solution?
HEDJ
The third solution – the one that isn’t there. You do believe in mental telepathy, I’m assuming?
REV Mental telepathy?
HEDJ Yeah. You know, seeing stuff before it’s going to happen and –
REV That’s not mental telepathy, that’s precognition.
HEDJ Whatever. If it got put in your head from someone else’s head it’s telepathy. Hasn’t that happened to you? Looking at someone and knowing what he’s thinking? Having the exact same idea at the exact same time?
REV But the timing is illusory. People hear an idea, it sounds familiar and they think that means they had it too. They hear a song on the radio that the know and they tell everyone, “I was just thinking of that!” It was just in their head – with a whole lot of other stuff nobody mentioned.
HEDJ You’ve led a deprived existence. Don’t tell me you and some buddy have never guessed each other’s thoughts! Like you’re sharing a brain.
REV You and your buddies ARE sharing a brain! And you should get a new one!
HEDJ Come on, work with me here! You’re already busted – you’re not as hostile as you pretend! All I’m saying is we could send a message – both of us at the same time – to Bo and – your friend – to find us.
REV
Good idea.
HEDJ Good idea?
REV Frankly I’m too exhausted for anything else.
HEDJ So you’ll try it? If I show up you’ll admit I’m right?
REV They COULD just be tracking our electric heat signatures.
HEDJ (Sitting up)
That is total bullshit! You are SO argumentative!
REV (She sits up too) A natural lawyer, though, right? That’s what my Dad says.
HEDJ Well I’m too proud to use circular logic.
REV That was NOT circular logic!
HEDJ Now you’re just disrupting our unity. We need to send a unified signal – WHATEVER it is.
REV OK , Boss.
(She settles back.)
It was your idea. You can own this one. Tell me what to do.
HEDJ Stop turning me on!
REV
I wasn’t turning you on! Your disturbed leadership style wouldn’t turn anybody on!
HEDJ
Then why are YOU turned on?
REV
Leave me and my poor starved body out of this.
HEDJ
Maybe you can’t help it. We have to lean restraint.
(Enormous visible effort) OK, picture those two in your mind. Wandering, lost, pathetic. Thirsty. Depressed. Probably starving. Got it?
REV (Eyes closed) Fighting, I bet.
HEDJ Hold that picture. Then think, COME, COME, COME.
REV
YOU’RE trying to turn ME on!
HEDJ
I totally was not! It just got away from me!
REV No way am I thinking anything as stupid as “come, come”! What is this, some cheesy vampire flick?
HEDJ Then what’s YOUR suggestion?
REV How about “Find us. We’re here.”
HEDJ That’s good. Very Occam’s Razor.
REV Thank you.
HEDJ Simple, so I like it better. Don’t you dare say what you’re thinking!
REV You’re reading MY mind now?
HEDJ You were going to say I am simple. Well, I am and I’m not ashamed of it!
REV Wow! You totally CAN read minds!
HEDJ Stop turning me on!
REV Stop putting words in my mouth!
HEDJ (He crosses his legs desperately)
Stop putting thoughts in my head!
REV Your HEAD is not your problem. We have to focus on the job at hand.
HEDJ (Rocking) Focus, focus. OK, then. Ready?
REV God, what if I just fall asleep? I’m SO exhausted. I don’t think I’ve slept in MONTHS.
HEDJ That’s even better. It’s more powerful if we DREAM them into finding us!
REV You are one interesting guy! You believe in the power of dreams? I dream in 4D!
HEDJ Doesn’t everybody? God! How do people study if they can’t dream?
REV
Nobody studies by sleeping!
HEDJ
Well, you SHOULD or you’ll never learn anything. If knowledge doesn’t penetrate the subliminal level –
REV
It isn’t knowledge. Roger, Dodger.
HEDJ
Just tell yourself you’re going to DREAM about them finding us.
SCENE 4: (Lights down on this couple and up on Back of Stage where HEDJ is splashing in a stream)
HEDJ Help! Help! Help!
(REV appears, tries to lasso him)
REV Stop struggling!
HEDJ Stop struggling and DROWN? That’s all you’ve got to say?
REV
Lift up your arms!
(Finally gets the rope over him, hauls him out. He is soaking wet.)
HEDJ (Moaning) God, God, Oh God. I saw the white light.
REV That white light was ME rescuing your ass.
(Touches her miner’s light)
HEDJ No, this was different. I SAW people.
REV Dead people?
HEDJ My third grade teacher – dead or alive – I couldn’t say.
REV That’s a weird person to see!
HEDJ Isn’t it?
(He starts to undress)
That current is killer – you wouldn’t think to look at it but I’m warning you, it’s like its TRYING to drown you.
REV (Flabbergasted)
Don’t you dare strip! Why do men want to show everyone their equipment?
HEDJ We like comparing equipment. Seriously, though, I can’t wear these disgusting slimy clothes one more second.
(Strips down to his boxers)
My button-fly’s are decent.
(Throws the clothes a distance)
Don’t touch those. Bo would say they’re full of invisible leech babies!
REV You are disgusting. I don’ t want to touch you or your disgusting slimy clothes. Do you have leeches on you?
HEDJ
(He peers down the front of his pants)
Shine your light down here.
REV I will not!
HEDJ
Then no.
(Snaps his elastic band with a satisfying “thwap”)
REV
Cover yourself up.
(She hands him her hoodie, which he dons. Its flower print looks utterly fem – plus it’s child-sized – and doesn’t meet in front)
HEDJ Thanks. I lost everything, including my watch! It was a good watch. Graduation gift.
REV You haven’t graduated yet!
HEDJ From high school! It had three time zones and a calculator.
REV Nothing works down here.
HEDJ Lucky we have an inborn time and distance sense located right behind our eyeballs.
REV Where’d you get that idea?
HEDJ I read my assignments. Unlike some people.
REV Well I read about it too and what I read is, if you don’t use it you lose it.
HEDJ How do you know I haven’t been using mine?
REV Because you FELL into an underground STREAM.
HEDJ It was dark! I got sucked in and swept off my feet!
REV We haven’t been down here long enough to get lost.
HEDJ How can you be sure? Prisoners totally lose track of time. They did this experiment where –
REV I know that one. They made some poor guy think fifteen hours was a twenty-four hour day.
HEDJ It wasn’t fifteen hours.
REV
Approximately.
HEDJ You think you know everything, don’t you?
REV I obviously didn’t know enough to stay out of this freakin’ cave.
HEDJ Maybe we’ve been down here for days.
REV We have NOT been down here for days! You can tell that! How many times have you gone to the bathroom, for example?
HEDJ God knows.
REV Yuck! Do men pee constantly without even knowing it?
HEDJ (Very interested)
You mean like bats?
REV Is that what bats do? Omigod. Let’s agree not to use the “b” word. My partner gets very upset.
HEDJ So you ARE gay.
REV God! What is it with frat boys! We are NOT GAY. ALL SORORITY GIRLS ARE NOT GAY.
HEDJ How do you know until you try? Seriously.
REV Well are YOU gay? WE thought you were.
HEDJ Would we be DOWN here risking all this danger if we were gay?
REV Don’t you realize that’s offensive?
HEDJ It’s OK be gay! I love gay people! Seriously, you should check it out. I would if I were you.
REV You’re making me want my hoodie back.
(He makes a move to disrobe, she stops him)
REV Forget it. Are you like a nudist or something?
HEDJ
I could be.
REV
Never mind. Let’s just get out of here.
HEDJ
Don’t we have to find the other two?
REV
I wasn’t suggesting abandoning them! Vayre! She was right here a minute ago.
HEDJ Bo! Buddy! Come back!
REV
THAT was half-hearted.
HEDJ
Well he’s upstream like a mile.
REV
(Very dejected)
Don’t say that! We’ll find them!
HEDJ This cave is bigger than we thought. It’s DAMN big.
REV It’s huge!
HEDJ It’s got a river!
REV That river is making this cave bigger!
(They both shout for their friends with an edge of panic)
HEDJ BO!
REV VAYRE!
HEDJ I don’t think sound travels well down here.
REV So that means they STILL could be close.
HEDJ (Checking out his forearm)
I was making a map on my arm with a Sharpie –
(Checks it)
Gone!
REV Wow! You couldn’t think to use a permanent marker? Lucky I’ve been making a map, and it’s right here.
(Takes a piece of paper out of her breast pocket – it disintegrates in her hands)
Oh my God!
HEDJ Who gives themselves a temporary tattoo with a permanent marker? You’d have me covered with random girls’ phone numbers.
(Snatching at the pieces)
Not like YOU’RE doing such a good job! It’s illegible!
REV This is your fault! I got SOAKED saving YOUR sorry ass!
HEDJ Hey, I’m sorry, but obviously you made the right decision.
REV What are you talking about? That map was WAY more important than some layer tattooed in random girls’ phone numbers!
HEDJ Hey!. I’m dyslexic! Its very easy for me to transpose numbers. But that hasn’t held me back ONE BIT because I’ve got Strategy.
REV You’ve got Strategy, have you? Ok, let’s see some.
HEDJ Well, for one thing there’s two of us figuring out how to get out of here. Right away that doubles our chances. When we find the others, it DOUBLES AGAIN. Particles in a bound state have more energy.
REV I’m not getting into a bound state with you! So where’s this other guy?
HEDJ We split up so we could cover more ground. He absolutely hated the idea.
(Shouts)
Bo! You were right! I’m sorry.
(They listen to the echo)
REV Maybe they found the way out.
HEDJ Bo wouldn’t do that.
REV Even if they tried looking for us and stepped out into daylight instead, do you think they’d turn around and rush back in?
HEDJ
At least they’d get help!
REV
I can hear them at the police station now. “How long have your friends been gone?” They don’t do anything for like seventy-two hours.
HEDJ This water must pour out somewhere. Maybe we should follow it?
REV To really follow it, we’d have to get into it.
HEDJ
Water talk is making me thirsty. Got any?
REV I don’t know if I want your parasitic slimy lips all over my water bottle!
HEDJ Just squirt it in my mouth!
(Gets down to beg with mouth open like a baby bird. REV takes out her water bottle)
HEDJ Well, if that’s all you’ve got you might as well just give it to me!
REV Hey! This is all we’ve got for the two of us!
HEDJ One squirt!
(She squirts some water at his mouth – it gets on his face)
Girls! Your aim is horrible! I’m like a foot away!
REV You keep moving your face! Just take it already!
(She gives him the water bottle, turns away to think)
We can only go forwards by going backwards. We have to figure out where we came from.
HEDJ You won the easy way! We crawled down a tunnel!
REV It was NOT the easy way! That hole was crumbling in on itself. We can’t get back that way, even if we could find it.
HEDJ Well, I’m not re-tracing that water ride. It’s a chute to hell. (Shudders)
It was like the world collapsed in on itself.
REV I’m not scared of a little water.
HEDJ We have to BELIEVE we can get out. This cave has been here for millions of years, so…
REV According to Heisenberg —
HEDJ Don’t you quote Heisenberg at me!
REV
Then what about Occam’s Razor?
HEDJ
What’s that got to do with anything? Reasoning from general cases doesn’t lead to knowledge? DOESN’T help us here!
REV
That’s not what Occam’s Razor says!
HEDJ
It is so!
REV
It is not! I’m pre-law and I know! Occam’s Razor says the simplest idea’s the likeliest!
HEDJ
You’re pre-law? Wow! So am I!
REV
So act like it! How do we get out of here?
HEDJ By facing facts, that’s how. Let’s not go near the river of slime.
REV “River of slime”? Wow. It’s like a metaphor for life!
HEDJ Or a metaphor for college! See? I’m an idea guy.
REV A METAPHOR-guy. A metaphorical guy.
HEDJ Hey, stick with me. I’m the meta-guy.
(Drains the bottle then tosses it away)
REV I’m arresting you for littering.
HEDJ Go ahead! Lock me up!
REV
You know, you’re one bad idea after another.
HEDJ
Hey! Coming down here was YOUR idea.
REV
Well, exploring was YOUR idea! This was supposed to be a simple recon and not the Bataan Death March.
HEDJ
Don’t quote history at me.
REV
Go ahead! Rewrite history if you don’t like it. It’s what your gender does best.
HEDJ So you’re like one of those femi-Nazis?
REV I know how to stand up for myself is all.
HEDJ Well, law is about finding the truth. I don’t believe in rewriting anything. More information beats less information. Every time.
REV
Except for burnout and information overload.
HEDJ
And that’s relevant how?
REV If we’re trapped between getting MORE lost and a river of slime I say we should stay put and let them find us.
HEDJ Maybe we should produce a constant noise? We could sing or something.
REV Vibrations could cause a cave-in!
HEDJ
But I’m High-T! I’ve got to do SOMETHING!
REV What an infant! “Blame the testosterone.”
(She sits down, defeatedly.)
HEDJ
So we should do nothing? That’s your solution?
REV
We respect the environment and don’t make things worse.
(He sits down beside her. She looks at floor and he looks at ceiling.)
HEDJ So…do you have a boyfriend?
REV You know very well I don’t have a boyfriend! We know all about your “Stud Book!”
HEDJ You can’t! I mean, we don’t call it that!
REV I’ve seen it. Where you rate and rank us down to the smallest detail. So why did I rank “Kill?”
HEDJ Hey, I didn’t vote for that.
REV I don’t get “marry” status? Not even “pity date”?
HEDJ See how you’re so mad right now? And you criticize everything? I have to tell you guys hate that.
REV I’m discriminating, is all. Discerning. Girls would never get mad if your crew didn’t always act like a bunch of five year olds on a field trip at the zoo!
HEDJ Ah, we just love yanking your chain. Remember that nerd you used to date?
REV Bruce?
HEDJ Yeah, that guy. You pissed him off when you broke up with him. He stuffed the ballot box.
REV I didn’t break up with HIM! He was dating another girl! Obviously the relationship was over!
HEDJ Well, we don’t see it that way.
REV If I was dating both you AND another guy you would!
(He seems to acknowledge the truth of this.)
Blame the testosterone again?
HEDJ It’s a psychoactive drug, am I right? Turns us into cavemen.
REV And guess what! Here we are in a cave!
HEDJ You know you have a problem with tone.
REV We’re stuck in a cave and I have a problem with TONE?
HEDJ Yeah, to be frank. This whole self-presentation is just not working for you. You’re coming off as way too butch.
REV This butch RESCUED you, buddy!
HEDJ I’m just saying, nobody likes a nag.
REV You’re not even a very good caveman!
(HEDJ who was lounging, sits up)
HEDJ Oh, I’m a bad caveman now?
REV Since we’re being honest.
HEDJ You know, I can’t believe you’re pre-law. I had you pegged for like, drill team.
REV That is not a concentration! Didn’t bother to put majors in your Stud Book, did you? Didn’t seem important, I guess! My bra-size though – you care deeply about THAT.
HEDJ
(He’s been sizing her up)
Are you as aroused right now as me?
REV
More!
(Mutual lunge, start kissing passionately. Kissing turns into fighting.)
REV We should so NOT be doing this.
HEDJ (More slapping, more kissing, grunting as dialog is punctuated by kisses and grabs; each trying to pin the other)
Give me one good reason.
REV
Because we’ll hate ourselves in the morning?
HEDJ
But what if we love ourselves?
REV
Men are so changeable, is the problem.
HEDJ
And women aren’t?
(He almost gets on top – she flips him)
You’re so totally not my type.
REV And you’re not anybody’s type.
HEDJ I’m everybody’s type. I’ve had a lot more girls than you.
REV Plus, you’re a slut! Mister, if you “had” people, you didn’t “get” anything.
(She manages to pin him, gasps exhaustedly, then he flips her. Falls off her. Exhausted mutual panting.)
HEDJ What if we both agree to stay on the bottom?
(Removing each other’s clothes)
REV This is SUCH a bad idea. I mean, where can this lead?
HEDJ (Tender kissing)
Bad places. Bad, bad places.
REV You’re not protected and I’m not protected.
HEDJ We are so, so unprotected.
REV Completely vulnerable. I hope this isn’t just because we’re desperate.
HEDJ Desperation is the human condition. Actually, I feel a lot less desperate round you.
REV
Why’s that?
HEDJ
Because I like to measure everything but you can’t measure a superposition.
REV You can if you practice restraint.
HEDJ Tantric entanglement, here I am!
(They wrestle and pant, exhausted.)
REV
Pick one quick: dream or a nightmare?
HEDJ
Fantasy! Glorious sex fantasy! Plus, our hooking up makes it SO MUCH more likely our friends will find us.
REV How do you figure?
HEDJ We emit a measurable glow. Plus, Bo ALWAYS interrupts just when I’m getting it on.
REV We are not getting it on!
HEDJ Whatever we ARE doing, is fabulous.
REV We must have a plan.
HEDJ So you’re a planner? As well as a mega-woman?
REV I’ve gotten everything I wanted through planning.
HEDJ Wow! I have to say I love that in a girl.
REV You do?
HEDJ Because I’m the strategy guy!
REV You are? You? So this was all part of a strategy?
HEDJ A fantasy strategy! I’ve always wanted to be at the mercy of some sexually rapacious, gorgeous girl.
REV You think I’m gorgeous?
HEDJ Yes. Oh, yes. Plus you are really, really hot.
(Mutual kissyface)
REV I guess I should be glad video doesn’t work down here.
HEDJ Too bad! No one will believe it happened.
REV So we’ll have do it again.
HEDJ And again and again.
(Tender kissing)
REV It’s like you’re the last man on earth and I’m the last woman.
(They look at each other hotly — overwhelmed by frantic passion. Lights out on this couple, up on BO who has made it into the audience)
(SCENE 3: VAYRE appears crawling down the stage into the audience. Shines her light)
VAYRE What was that? Anybody there? Rev? This isn’t funny, whoever you are! I’m warning you, I have a knife!
(Silence)
I’m armed and I’m desperate!
(Satisfied, she crawls to the first row, up and over the audience’s laps. At their reaction she goes rigid)
Help! It’s alive! Oh, my God!
(BO appears and works his way toward her. Her eyes are closed and she is planked out and screaming)
VAYRE They’re all around me! Save yourself! Don’t let them touch you!
BO Ssh, it’s OK. It’s nothing really. Come on down. This way.
VAYRE Oooo, I can’t look! They’re everywhere! I’m afraid to move!
BO Come with me, I found a safe place we can sit.
VAYRE Is it up high? Because it needs to be up high.
BO It’s higher than here. Careful.
(Helps her up to sit on stage. She brushes herself off)
VAYRE Did I get any on me? What WERE those? Were they like –
(shudders)
BATS?
(More hysterical)
DEAD BATS?
BO Nah. Bones, maybe?
VAYRE (Shrieks)
BONES!
BO OLD bones. Ancient bones. More like fossils, probably. Or dry leaves?
VAYRE (Shrieking) YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BONES AND DRY LEAVES?
BO What are you scaring yourself for? We’re all alone here.
(Gestures at the audience)
Whatever that was, it was completely inanimate.
VAYRE (Calming her breathing with great effort)
Well it was totally disgusting, whatever it was. So who are you?
BO You’re welcome.
VAYRE OK, thank you – I guess. I mean for all I know you put that stuff there in some kind of revolting fraternity prank.
BO Yeah, Hedj and I brought down ALL our funhouse equipment.
VAYRE Well, it was mean!
BO I was being sarcastic! We brought nothing but power bars. Want one?
VAYRE Is it gluten free?
BO (Inspecting a bar)
Chocolate chip. How does gluten free taste?
VAYRE Like sawdust. But, see, that keeps me from eating them.
BO
Like a food totem. But what happens if you want actual food?
VAYRE I ALWAYS want food!
BO Seriously, we need to keep our strength up. Who knows how long we’re going to be down here?
VAYRE Don’t say that!
BO I mean, look at this; we’re lost already.
VAYRE (Covering her ears and hammering her feet) Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
(He waves a power bar under her nose)
BO
Chocolate chip!
(She accepts a bar, unwraps and eats it fanatically, breaking off small pieces and inspecting them carefully)
BO That stuff can’t hurt you.
VAYRE
How do you know?
BO
I’m a doctor. Or going to be.
VAYRE Impossible.
BO As long as they don’t kick me out.
VAYRE
Why would they kick you out?
BO
The money thing.
VAYRE There’s a money thing?
BO There’s always a money thing. How could you not know this?
VAYRE Well, I’m not here to be your on the job experience.
BO Seriously, I delivered a baby once. In Guatemala. It wasn’t so scary. (Thinks) Actually, it was pretty scary!
VAYRE Well, you won’t have to do that here! And I definitely don’t want to hear any more about it!
(Traumatized chewing. Awkward pause.)
BO So… what’s your major?
VAYRE (A practiced complainer)
It was supposed to be communication. But my advisor – I’m not lying – has such a bad speech impediment I can’t understand him! He’s the HEAD of the department! What does that tell you?
BO
They’re really poor communicators?
VAYRE
So obviously I’m having to change majors!
BO (Laughs)
A speech impediment? How does THAT happen?
VAYRE He has tenure! They can’t get rid of him! His student ratings are in the toilet! Maybe it’s an accent. I can’t even tell.
BO How’d you sign on to communications and miss a thing like that?
VAYRE You can’t think of everything. I paid close attention to four factors: expense, weather, distance, ambiance –
(Ticks it off on her fingers)
BO Ambiance? You mean like the social life?
VAYRE Ambiance is more subtle than social life. It’s like feng shui.
BO
You mean like mojo?
VAYRE
(A little exasperated) Whatever that is. Like the mood of a place.
BO Sounds to me like you should be a language major. Or Symbiotics. Something like that.
VAYRE There’s no such thing as “Symbiotics”. Unless you mean semiotics and have you SEEN those people? They don’t want to have a job in the real world EVER. I can’t decide, but English major is definitely out. “Do you want fries with that?” I mean seriously. I want to meet interesting people. What do you think is good? Business?
BO My first roommate was a business major. Business has bad, bad ambiance. You don’t want them. I’m just telling you.
VAYRE You’re probably right. I just don’t want to be broke all my life.
BO If we HAVE a life. I mean, we’ve got to get out of here.
VAYRE Will you stop? Why am I always surrounded by negative thinkers? Of course we’re getting out! We’ll tunnel our way out if we have to!
BO Engineering, there’s your major.
VAYRE Isn’t that full of nerds? I warn you, I hate math.
BO But math is so easy! You can look everything up.
VAYRE Yeah, but you have to know what to look up. Don’t get me started.
(Silence while she chews and he thinks)
BO Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you the brunette or the redhead? No offense, but down here everything looks different.
VAYRE God, MEN! Better brush up on your bedside manner, buddy!
BO (Taking this entirely the wrong way, he says seductively)
Wanna help?
(She gives him a push)
VAYRE Aren’t doctors supposed to make people feel better?
BO You have to be willing to feel worse, in order to feel better. A lot of people can’t get through the “worse” part.
VAYRE Sounds medieval to me.
BO
Unless you’re a blonde.
(Holding and studying a lock of her hair)
It’s OK with me. I just really can’t tell in this light.
VAYRE
(Snatching her hair away)
Then let me put this in words on one syllable: There IS no blonde!
BO Good! I hate blondes! I’m anti-blonde! I’m into redheads!
VAYRE No redheads either! God, you guys are such idiots! How can you reject like, two thirds of the human race over hair color?
BO One of you had red hair. I feel like this is false advertising.
VAYRE I MAY have had colored extensions in my hair! For Party Night! You know! For fun. FOR DRESSING UP TO GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. So sue me!
BO (Shines his flashlight directly at her like a cop)
I don’t know. You act like a redhead! There is TOO a redhead, and you’re her!
VAYRE These are henna highlights if THAT’S what you mean. Why are men so pathetic?
BO Well, I like them. They look good on you.
VAYRE (Rapid mood change)
Really? You think? My roommate says I can’t get away with it because of my skin tone.
BO She’s crazy. What’s the matter with your skin tone?
VAYRE There’s nothing the MATTER with it. She just says I’m a Spring, is all.
BO What’s THAT mean?
VAYRE I’m supposed to wear pastels.
BO That’s just the green meanies. Probably she’s a hosebeast and you’re so obviously not.
VAYRE God, you frat boys are AWFUL!
(Slaps him)
BO Hey! There’s no call for violence!
VAYRE I’m just setting up the boundaries, is all.
BO I’d complain to the sexual harassment police if we weren’t stuck in a cave miles underground. Hey, I’m the one who rescued you!
VAYRE So you own me? By what law? Neanderthals versus the Sabines?
BO
You shouldn’t be attacking me, is all I’m saying.
VAYRE You just want me to be putty in your hands.
BO You WERE putty in my hands.
VAYRE I was not!
BO Nice way to treat the guy who rescued you from your panic attack seizure disorder hissy fit or whatever that was that you were having.
VAYRE It wasn’t a panic attack! And it certainly wasn’t a seizure, Dr. Death!
BO Claustrophobia, then, all right? I used to have claustrophobia. When I was little.
VAYRE You have a genius for making people feel worse. You’re going to get an A in that part of the program.
BO (Smiles at her endearingly)
I got over the claustrophobia. Now I’m just afraid of the dark.
(She’s still suspicious, but mollified.)
VAYRE Then why dare us to come down here?
BO (Killer grin) To give you a chance to rescue me.
VAYRE
Sounds more like you’re self-destructive.
BO I met a beautiful girl in a bar who said she was going caving.
VAYRE Go on.
BO She was drinking this stuff like liquid ice cream.
VAYRE Was not but continue.
BO These little drops of ice cream kept forming on her upper lip…
(Stares pointedly at her upper lip.)
VAYRE (Mongoose to his snake)
So you got an idea.
BO More than an idea. It was like a shock of recognition.
VAYRE
A shock of recognition?
BO
Like thinking, This is where I come in!
VAYRE
What does that mean?
BO Have you ever had that moment where you know exactly what you’re supposed to do?
VAYRE
Maybe. It doesn’t feel that good.
BO
Oh, this felt good!
VAYRE
You don’t think it was a terrible idea?
BO
Seems more brilliant to me every second. So half of me bullied the other half of me –
VAYRE You bullied yourself? How does that work?
BO I have to strong-arm myself or I would never do anything.
VAYRE (Getting closer to him)
You have a split personality. Like a private self and a public self? I totally get that. But which one of you is pre-med?
BO The good one.
VAYRE Wow! I see we’re into the “feel good” part of your practice?
BO Feels good to me.
(They are close together now)
VAYRE I am curious about how you taste.
(They kiss lightly, he attempts more, she fends him off, laughing)
VAYRE Maybe I’ll go Early Ed.
BO Early Ed?
VAYRE Because wild animal wrangling isn’t an option.
BO Seriously, wasn’t that nice?
VAYRE
(Holding him by his collar)
It was very nice.
BO (He likes this. Leaning forward to sniff her hair)
Plenty more where that came from!
VAYRE We can’t allow ourselves to get sidetracked! We have a job to do.
BO
(Completely forgetful)
Which is?
VAYRE
Find our friends and get out of here!
BO
Right! I know I got what I came for.
VAYRE
One kiss? One kiss is all you came for?
BO
Seems like. Now I feel like I could do anything!
VAYRE
That’s your split personality talking!
BO (Earnestly)
Split personality means I work twice as hard. (They nuzzle)
VAYRE You should have just asked me out for coffee.
BO
When?
VAYRE
Instead of all this.
BO
I was scared of your friend.
VAYRE (Laughs) Rev? She can be intense. I’m the only one who can stand to room with her. She’s pre-law.
BO She is? (Laughs) That’s so funny. So was my buddy.
VAYRE Don’t say “was”. Stop acting like we’re all gonna die down here.
BO He struggles with grades, that’s all. Dyslexic or something. So… you want to go out for coffee huh?
VAYRE I’m up for anything if we can only get out of here. Oh no!
(Feels in her pockets)
Oh God, God!
(She is really panicked now)
BO What’s wrong?
(She clutches him – he loves being clutched)
VAYRE (Hissing)
It’s back there!
BO (Playing with her hair, studying her neck)
What is?
VAYRE My map, stupid! The fossils must have taken it! I can’t believe it!
BO
You had a map?
VAYRE
I was trying to keep track of distances. I love measuring. It soothes me.
BO
You like measuring? Wow.
VAYRE I LOVE making curtains. And bedspreads!
BO
But that uses math.
VAYRE
(She shakes him) I…LOST…MY…MAP!
BO No need to panic. I’ll go get it for you.
(Starts to rise)
VAYRE You will?
BO Sure. No problem.
VAYRE No, no!
(She grabs him. He loves being grabbed)
BO Why not? It’s just right over there.
VAYRE The monsters are over there!
BO I GUARANTEE you those things aren’t alive.
VAYRE
But I’m so afraid you won’t come back.
BO
You are? Wow!
VAYRE I heard something AWFUL over there. Like snorting!
BO
Snorting?
VAYRE
And wheezing!
BO (Braggadocio)
Nah! Come with me, you’ll see it’s no big deal!
(VAYRE starts to shake)
VAYRE That was the scaredest I’ve ever been in my LIFE. I can’t bear to even THINK about it. I don’t know how you can be so brave.
BO You’re making me brave.
VAYRE Looks like we need each other.
BO Definitely. Teamwork. Foundation of the universe.
VAYRE Here’s an idea. I tie my rope to you.
BO Wow! Bondage huh?
VAYRE No, listen. This is a good idea. Teamwork! If you tug three times I’ll give you more rope and if I tug three times you’ll come back.
BO Why three times?
VAYRE So you can tell it wasn’t an accident. Seriously, I’ve got 240 feet of rope here. Don’t you think that’s enough?
BO How many times do I tug for a monster?
VAYRE Not funny!
BO My name’s Bo, by the way.
VAYRE I know. I investigated you.
BO
You did? Wow!
VAYRE I care who I’m down in a deep dark cave with. My name’s Wendy Vayre.
(They shake; she unties rope from her waist)
BO Bo Darcy at your service. And may I say no map is as important as getting to know YOU.
VAYRE You’ve got a smooth line!
BO
Haven’t I, though?
VAYRE
You think this – a mixer? Is everything a hookup with you guys?
BO You give me great ideas, I give you great ideas. The ultimate hookup! How about this one? We merge initiations!
(She looks skeptical)
Maybe I’m not expressing myself very well.
VAYRE Express yourself better.
BO Couples connect in this cave just like we did. We could call it “Night Problems!”
VAYRE We are NOT connecting up!
BO We TOTALLY are. And it’s the only way anybody ever accomplished anything. I know you feel it too.
VAYRE
Why can’t you see merging initiations is insanely dangerous? Coming down here at all is insanely dangerous. Our gnawed, bleached bones are going to star in some “Don’t go clubbing” movie!
BO Never happen. Call me an optimist.
VAYRE You ARE an optimist, aren’t you?
(She starts tying a rope around him)
I like that in a man.
BO Takes optimism to get the job done.
VAYRE
Remember, three tugs –
BO Got it. Three tugs if —
(He stops himself)
VAYRE What! Say it!
BO Nothing!
VAYRE You better not start in about the monsters again.
BO Three tugs if I need you and you give three tugs if you need me.
VAYRE I can live with that.
BO Tie the other end to yourself. I don’t want us to get separated.
(SCENE 2:Meanwhile the boys, HEDJ and BO are crawling down the center aisle shining their flashlights up into the audience)
HEDJ (Halts, attentive) Omigod, I think I just saw something. I swear I heard somebody breathe.
BO There’s no room in this tunnel for anyone but US. Bacteria and bugs on the other hand – probably PLENTY of THOSE. Getting in my MOUTH. Into all my orifices, I bet.
HEDJ You just have a high opinion of your orifices.
BO
Dude, didn’t I just tell you about that camel disease that jumped the blood-brain barrier? Theory of hidden variables!
HEDJ A guy has sex with a camel he deserves everything he gets. In my opinion.
BO
It’s not just camels.
HEDJ
Will you stop? Will you stop with the Undiscovered Virus fixation?
BO Bacteria are worse than viruses! Their mutatations –
HEDJ Do you want to turn around right now? I mean, if theoretically we COULD turn around?
BO Hell no. That way the girls get a default win. Can’t let the brothers down like that! No way.
HEDJ So ixnay on the invisible mutants. OK? Not if we want to be conjugate variables anytime soon.
BO
People who won’t learn from history are destined to repeat it, is all I’m saying.
HEDJ
You know, there’s always one guy on an expedition who gets thrown overboard because he can’t shut up. That’s the history I’m talking about.
BO It’s just that in pre-med you hear things.
HEDJ Pre-law too. Like the temporary insanity defense gives you the right to kill somebody who’s driving you crazy.
BO
It does not!
HEDJ
Well, it’s a defense! It’s worked too!
BO Grow up. We haven’t even started this thing yet.
HEDJ
We’re still crawling down the entrance tunnel and you’ve already given me brain worms. Lighten up! Now I’m haunted by some guy trying to have sex with a camel.
BO
Definitely needed a ladder.
HEDJ
But WHY? Qualifying for Jackass?
BO Or Guinness World Book Sex Edition.
HEDJ
Bro, there is no Guinness World Book Sex Edition!
BO I’m always surprised by what you don’t know. Lawyers are so busy memorizing cases from the 1930’s they don’t know anything about the real world.
HEDJ
That is so not true.
BO
If you Google —
HEDJ Google? Are you serious? I can’t move my elbows. I can barely breathe!
BO
Don’t act like this whole thing was my idea.
HEDJ It WAS your idea!
BO
I intuited group consensus.
HEDJ
Bro, you DARED them.
BO
They were TAKING the cave! This cave doesn’t belong to a bunch of girls.
HEDJ
It doesn’t belong to anyone.
BO
Well, it was YOUR idea we come down through the tunnel.
HEDJ
I was trying to be gentlemanly! Besides, we flipped for it.
BO
You LET them win!
HEDJ
That’s the gentlemanly part!
(Looking at his phone)
Can’t Google anything if your phone doesn’t work. Check.
BO How can I check if I can’t use my elbows!
HEDJ How can we find the girls if our apps don’t work?
BO
You’ve got a girl-finding app? What is it, GirlGrab?
HEDJ
I’ve got GPS and a mapmaking app, which DOESN’T WORK down here thanks to you!
BO
Don’t put this on me! You were daring them right along with me!
HEDJ
I hope I know how to back a brother up!
BO
You were drunk as a skunk is what you were.
HEDJ I remember you were flying pretty high yourself.
BO Seems like. What the hell were we drinking?
HEDJ Dude, I’ve got no idea. They ordered these crazy drinks and I was just trying to keep up. The curvy one had these little beads of dew on her upper lip…
BO
Both of them were curvy.
HEDJ
I had a blackout! I think they rufied us!
BO Girls don’t rufie guys! They don’t have to!
HEDJ Who do you think is stealing all the kidneys? Call yourself pre-med!
BO That’s an urban legend.
HEDJ
Google it! I mean if your phone –
BO
Sorority girls are not into kidney theft! Try to keep up! You can’t handle booze is what you won’t admit and now you’re just using up oxygen. We’ve got to work smarter. How is it smart to crawl down a hole?
HEDJ
If they had to use the tunnel they wouldn’t even have come. We’d be all by ourselves down here and what’s the point of THAT?
BO
What’s the point of crawling down a tunnel in total darkness?
HEDJ
It JOINS the cave, I’m trying to tell you! I Googled it!
BO
Boy you are helpless without your equipment. Weren’t you an Life Scout? What happened to your sense of adventure?
HEDJ
I was an Eagle Scout, I’ll have you know.
BO
I’m giving this five more minutes before I back out. I’d like to see my ass one more time before I die!
HEDJ I’ve seen your ass and it’s no bargain. We have to keep going because we don’t have a choice.
BO
We could crawl backwards.
HEDJ We ALWAYS have choices. People don’t SEE all the choices that they have.
BO Or we could dig our way out.
HEDJ And risk a cave-in?
BO You know, are the opposite of helpful. Shackleton would have pushed you right off the ice floe.
HEDJ Look! Omigod, it’s the cave!
(They make their way up the stage steps – someone in the audience makes a noise)
BO Then what the hell was that?
HEDJ I’m guessing water dripping? Believe me, that’s a GOOD sign.
(No girls – they can stand up. Alone)
BO Now we get drowned? How can water possibly be a good sign?
HEDJ It’s got to flow out somewhere!
BO Sure. China, probably. Just talking about it is making me thirsty.
(Drinks from waterbottle)
HEDJ Complain, complain. The minute we can breathe, you decide you need water! We’ve been down here exactly five minutes.
BO How come YOUR watch works?
HEDJ It doesn’t. I was just guessing.
BO Doesn’t it bother you that we have no sense of time and no sense of direction?
HEDJ
We’ll just have to use our Third Eye.
BO
Our what?
HEDJ
The thing behind the top of your nose. It’s how animals migrate.
BO
Sounds like bullshit to me. If doctors don’t know about it, it doesn’t exist.
HEDJ
Dude, doctors are the last to know about anything! Didn’t it take you guys like six thousand years to wash your hands?
BO
Well, law never cured anybody of ANYTHING.
HEDJ
Hey, don’t drink all the Gatorade.
BO
Can’t drink what we find down here. You’ll grow gills.
HEDJ We’re not building a civilization! We’re finding the girls and getting the hell out!
BO Here’s the cave, so where are the girls?
HEDJ
Maybe they didn’t come down, not even the easy way! Maybe they’re laughing at us.
BO
We’ll get the last laugh! DARED and DONE!
HEDJ Or maybe there’s more than one cave. How would we know? It’s unexplored!
BO Some Victorian explored it.
HEDJ You can’t trust the Victorians! They were putting ape jawbones on human skulls and saying they discovered Original Man!
BO
Yeah, but lying about a cave —
HEDJ
Yeah, and how about climate change? Everything’s moved around since then. And what about earthquakes?
BO There are no earthquakes in this part of the world!
HEDJ
There are so! They happen down so low you can’t even feel them.
BO
So you’re a geology major now?
HEDJ
Not to mention boiling lava!
BO
Now you’re just showing off. My Third Eye smells girls. They’re around here someplace.
HEDJ
That’s not your Third Eye! That’s your sex gland!
BO
Same thing for all you know!
HEDJ (Perking up)
My Third Eye says they’re going to need rescue. Girls are always needing to be rescued.
BO It’s those shoes they wear.
HEDJ Yeah, well they won’t wear stilettos down here. More likely the $4000 sneakers Daddy bought them.
BO There are no $4000 sneakers!
HEDJ Of course there are!
BO Well, you can overpay for anything.
HEDJ
Which is my POINT.
(Shines his flashlight around)
Now this is what I call a CAVE.
BO Let the exploring begin! Dude, we could name this cave after us! I think I have a Sharpie somewhere.
HEDJ What’s to write?
BO
We’re mapmaking, dude! We’re explorers!
HEDJ
What’s to map? All we’ve got is a long tunnel and a big room.
BO With an undiscovered underground pool in an undisclosed location. So be careful.
(Exploring)
They’re ahead of us, is all.
HEDJ Wouldn’t they leave some kind of sign if they’d been through here?
BO Who know WHAT they would do? They were cute girls, though.
HEDJ Plenty of cute girls up top. We could abandon their asses, plant a bandanna, snap a pic and get the hell out.
BO How’s your camera working if your phone doesn’t?
HEDJ Damn! Sharpie the cave and brazen it out? Swagger, man!
BO
You’re missing a fabulous opportunity here! We could earn the undying gratitude of some really pretty girls!
HEDJ
Buddy, you fell on your head during rush week.
BO Man, that rope gave way. There was nothing I could do. So which girl do you want?
HEDJ One of them was giving me The Look. The Unmistakable Look.
BO I seriously doubt that!
HEDJ
(Touching his eye)
I’m never wrong about The Look.
BO
Which one was it? Better not be MY one.
HEDJ Oh, you’ve got one all picked out, have you?
BO
Course I have and so have you!
HEDJ
The one with the overbite?
BO If you’re referring to the girl I spent all night talking to, then, yes.
HEDJ You know, dude, cave-diving females are almost certainly gay.
BO Let’s HOPE, right?
HEDJ Was it the brunette or the blonde?
BO There isn’t a blonde! She’s more of a redhead!
HEDJ Well, that answers my question, then! Just because you’re going to be a doctor so you feel entitled to the blonde!
BO She ISN’T a blonde – you’re blind as well as crazy. My one is the other one.
HEDJ Oh, the brunette? The dominatrix is the one you want? You’ve bitten off more than you can chew there, buddy.
BO You can’t have both of them!
HEDJ Who says I can’t?
BO The guy you’re about to go swimming with at the end of a deep dark hole says you can’t.
HEDJ Oh, all right. Don’t go all Lord of the Flies on me! Talk about devolution! Take whichever one you want!
BO The one I want is the redhead and there’s nothing wrong with her teeth. The dominatrix is yours. But, we’re going to need more romantic surroundings than this to make a move.
HEDJ
What’s wrong with these surroundings, bro? Its like the end of the world! Everybody and his grandmother would be getting it on!
BRO
Or like the beginning of the world. That would be romantic.
HEDJ And how about in the ambulance on the way to Disease Control?
BO Dude, that’s SO not funny. Really poor taste under the circumstances.
HEDJ Life and death down here buddy. It doesn’t get any more “romantic” than that!
BO See! Did I set this up right or what!
(They high five)
Call me crazy!
HEDJ Crazy like a fox!
BO You’re welcome!
HEDJ Here’s the plan for maximum coverage. You go that way, I go this way and we meet over there.
BO NOW who’s crazy?
HEDJ Hey! Why march in lockstep? This isn’t summer camp!
BO Man, have you even SEEN any horror movies? The monster gets everyone the MINUTE they split up.
HEDJ No monsters down here, bro. Pinky swear.
BO It’s like a symbolic representation of danger bro. Be prepared is all I’m saying.
HEDJ Eyes on the prize, buddy!
BO
There you go with that eye thing again!
HEDJ
The girls are gonna LOSE and we’re gonna WIN. And you know why?
BO Cause we’re better?
HEDJ Dude, every girl in this school is smarter than either one of us. My parents had to pretend I row crew to get me into this school. Whatever that is.
BO And I had an Asian guy taking my SAT’s. You’re just talking about book smarts. What does THAT have to do with anything?
HEDJ Exactly! It’s all about strategy! We’re gonna win with strategy!
(A long pause)
BO (At a loss)
Like…
HEDJ Like we’re not going to duplicate each other’s actions. Have you ever noticed how girls have to do everything together?
BO (Lightning strikes)
They can’t even go to the bathroom by themselves!
HEDJ That’s what I’m talking about! Baby steps!
(Mimics mincing walk)
BO Holding each other up!
HEDJ Like they’re gay!
BO (Falsetto) Help me. I’m so scared!
(With his back to audience, HEDJ mimics passionate make out session)
BO Did the earth move?
HEDJ Rolling in the mud, each trying to get on top –
BO Tearing off each other’s clothes –
HEDJ Mouth-to-mouth rescue breathing –
(Climax. The men sigh together.)
BO Wow! Was that good for you?
HEDJ That’s good for anybody!
(Mutual struggle to calm their breathing.)
You go around that way, I go around this way, we meet over there.
BO Ok, Ok, so what am I looking for?
HEDJ Openings. Anyplace they might have gone.
BO If I see something…?
HEDJ Say something. Yell. I’ll come over to you.
BO And you do the same.
HEDJ How can THAT work? If we’re both yelling and we’re both circling this is like dance class.
BO I needed a SINGLE PHYS ED CREDIT. JUST ONE.
HEDJ
Oh, relax! We’ve all been in Single Credit Hell.
BO
You have?
HEDJ
Figure skating!
BO
That’s not so bad.
HEDJ
Dude! FIGURE SKATING!
BO OK, OK. I know how to settle this. We go with the quarterback’s play.
HEDJ Could you POSSIBLY be thinking that you’re the quarterback in this scenario?
BO And you’re the figure skater! I’m the one that dared them!
HEDJ You’ve never quarterbacked in your life!
BO
Flag football! I’m the quarterback if I called the play!
HEDJ Fantasy football more like. You totally, one hundred percent did not call anything! Circling and strategy was ALL my idea!
BO Splitting up and walking backward you mean!
HEDJ If that’s what you’re calling it!
BO So now you admit it!
HEDJ
I admit it if you admit you drunk-dared them!
BO
I don’t know why every argument circles back to the dawn of time!
HEDJ
OK, then, let’s talk about NOW. I’m the one with the plan.
BO
Which is WHAT?
HEDJ Specialization! We don’t bother to duplicate each other’s actions. Specialization’s like, the foundation of civilization!
BO Germ theory is the foundation of civilization!
HEDJ It so totally is NOT. Look at the Romans! Look at the Egyptians. They were eating rats and drinking sewer water and they were building like crazy!
BO
Modern medicine is the only reason anyone can do anything. Otherwise we would all be four feet one, crippled up with rickets and dead at fifteen.
HEDJ That is SO not true. Law is what’s keeping us from killing each other like I’m seriously thinking of —
BO You guys make up your laws, but medicine’s based on biology. That’s REAL law, my man’
HEDJ
Is not.
BO
Is too.
HEDJ
Is NOT.
BO
Ok, Ok, don’t drop your shorts. How about this? Let’s say if we both start yelling, then I’ll be the one to work my way over to you. Happy now?
Alysse Aallyn 