Victor works Emily, his off-again, on-again girlfriend
(Oscar stalks offstage. Victor minces behind him, Rocky vaults over bleachers)
Rocky
You’re off course, Victor!
Throwin’ shade on Darla!
Victor
Hey, bro we discussed this!
You want to fend off intruders
Or hug them hello?
Martial arts says
Use their own weight AGAINST THEM
Let them knock
THEMSELVES down.
Achilles had a heel, my Rocky
You should know from school history
And Oscar’s heel looks like DARLA!!!
So let’s bring him to heel.
You gotta use bluster!
My gift of gab fathers brainworms
No soldier can shake! It’s
Strategy, man!
“Cringe theory!”
Makin’ war with their heads!
Cringe theory’s my superpower.
Rocky
Not if people get hurt!
Victor
Quit your puss-ups,
My brutha! And don’t be pathetic.
It’s toughen or die
In this world, little Rocky
Gotta go for the prizes
The treasures of paradise
Don’t fall in your lap.
We gotta fight for them –
Smarter and better – sink foes in
Stupidity – till their filth
Swallows them whole and
Leaves the field empty.
Empty for US.
Rocky
Coach says you’re just
Cynical: using your brain
To avoid all the
Sweat and sore muscles.
Victor
And what’s wrong with that?
Don’t see them bankers out
Laboring
Stop being a cunt, Rocky.
If I prove what I say, are
You with me, or not?
Rocky
You can’t prove Darla’s
A nympho! I know that much
For certain.
Victor
Won’t YOU be surprised.
Can’t trust ME, trust
Your own eyes.
I can prove anything
On anyone – prove
Darla’s a nympho and
Oscar’s an idiot.He’ll be publicly scorned and
Thrown off the team.
Do you dare me?
Rocky
I dare you. But
Don’t let it sink you.
Victor
Nothing sinks me – I’m
Unsinkable – The only guy here
Who’s in charge of himself.
Coach did me a favor
Kicking me off the team.
Now I see the world
Truthfully.
Let my game play out.
Rocky
I’m more confused
By your solutions
Than even my problems!
(His phone chimes)
Catch your act later
Victor – I’m late
For detention.
Victor
(To audience)
All these poor boneheads
Still “going to school”.
This place is a backwater
For ignorant jerkwads.
(plays with his phone)
Victor
Well I know one person
Still comes when I call.
(Emily appears, highly disgruntled, shaking her phone)
Emily
What fresh hell is this?
Are you crazy?
Victor
(affectionate and conciliatory)
Great to see you too
Baby, give Papa a kiss.
(She pushes him away)
Emily
I am NOT getting you
Sex pics of Darla!
Victor
Level the playing field
Sugar, you’ve got to just
Face it! Darla
Thinking she’s special
Is harshing your style.
She’s slut-shaming you.
Emily
(Despite her best intentions this is getting to her)
She is NOT. We’re
Best friends 4-EVA.
Victor
(Deep significance – flashes his phone)
What would she say
If she saw THESE?
Think she’d be disgusted?
Think she’d talk you down?
Emily
Stop it! That’s not fair!
I was playing a part!
(tearful)
I was only a kid!
Victor
Prudes
And their body issues –
So…what’s wrong with HER body?
Emily
Nothing wrong with Darla’s body!
You know she’s just shy.
Victor
She’s a prude!
Emily
She’s got standards.
Victor
Hey, I ain’t asking
For porno!
Nude ladies be art!
(Considers)
Not that pornos are bad.
I mean if Darla wanted –
You never know what’s lurking
Behind Darla’s green door.
Emily
Darla has no
Green door!
Victor
Just one nudie pic – please?
And
I’ll destroy all of these.
(She snatches for his phone – he holds it just out of reach)
Emily
You already
SAID you destroyed them!
Victor
But honey – they’re
So beautiful! So precious
To my heart.
Emily
Not that one with
The blindfold.
Victor
Oh, quit your drama!
Be glad they ain’t posted.
Emily
You sent them to ME!
They’ll be somewhere
FOREVER.
Victor
Grow up “Miss Emily”. Allow
Poor space aliens to
Get off on your booty!
Emily
I NEVER SAID YES.
I was asleep for
The first ones!
Victor
Didn’t you give me your body?
You know you did
Sugar. Who
“Consent” breaks the mood.
I’m “equal opportunity –“ sugah –
Don’t I send you dic pics?
Emily
It’s not even YOUR dick!
Victor
Some of them are!
Emily
Face it, Victor.
Some girls just don’t
Want to be filmed.
Victor
Don’t you believe it, sister
Every chick’s got a
Mayadere hiding in her
Someplace.
Don’t you owe it to history
To immortalize
This gorgeousness?
(he plays with her hair)
Emily
First time I’ve
Heard THAT argument.
You said I was so
“Inadequate” I ought
To get implants.
Victor
Only if you
Want them. I know you
Emily. You’re all
About Art.
“Cinema verité.”
(air quotes)
Making it real and
KEEPING it real.
Emily
Can’t believe
You were listening.
Victor
I’ve heard everything
You’ve ever said.
You talk in your sleep.
Emily
Uh oh. Just giving you
More ammo.
Victor
Let’s say your
Outward persona
Don’t recognize your
Inner child. But
You’re safe with me.
Emily
If only.
Victor
Don’t act so
Unwilling. Isn’t
“Cinema verité“ about
Tagging the unwary?
Just shop your moniker!
Emily
Fun as this is to
Talk about art
I’m not creating sex pics
Of Darla for your hounds’
Delectation.
Victor
Oh, give the dogs
SOMETHING.
How about pillow fights? Two
Naked girls and a whole
World of feathers. Now
That’s artistic! Or you play
With her boobies – I’m sayin –
It could
Put you through college.
(Emily facepalms in rage and despair, Victor puts arms around her)
Victor
oh honey, if only you saw
How beautiful you are.
Lucky me!
You will never be as gorgeous as
You are right this minute.
(Kissing and nuzzling. Emily starts to give in. He nibbles her ear.)
Victor
You know we’ve got
To get rid of him.
Emily
(Pulling away)
Who? Oscar?
Victor
Yes, Oscar.
Everything bad ever
Started with Oscar.
Emily
Leave Oscar alone!
Stop trying
To get even. And stop
Hanging out with mofos like Rocky!
He’s got shit for brains!
Victor
Rocky’s good people.
Emily
I know Rocky’s behind this
He just wants revenge porn
Because Darla dumped him.
Victor
So what? I got Rocky’s back.
Maybe Rocky’s just human.
Emily
Listen –
My gramma says
The best revenge
Is getting into the college
Of your choice.
Victor
(sighs dramatically)
Sugar, Rocky NEEDS this. And
He’s too proud to ask.
Emily
But Darla’s my FRIEND!
Victor
Why you so protective?
Think she’s better than you?
Emily
Girls got to stay loyal.
Victor
You’ve got HER back but
What’s SHE done for you?
She’s making you look bad.
Emily
You guys so stuck on “status”
Passing chicks like
Sports cards – you
Don’t KNOW from friendship. You
Don’t understand.
Victor
You’re not fooling me Sugar.
Remember I’m your Daddy and
You talk in your sleep.
I know you better than
You know yourself. You’re
A secret resenter
‘Cause Darla’s got
EVERYTHING while
You got a broke-ass kid’s bed
In the basement of
Your grandparents’ house?
Emily
Don’t you go draggin’ my
Grandfolks! They’ve been
So good to me.
Victor
(Smooth change of tack)
Some friend YOU are
Standing by while your bestie
While she gets herself inseminated
With terrorist anchor babies!
Emily
(Disturbed but trying to stay cool)
Who’s drama now?
Victor
Them kind don’t
Use rubbers. Trust me, my
Poptart ‘cause I know the world.
They’re all bareback and
Rough riding – that’s what they like.
Look at the size of him – poor
Darla’s got no chance –
He wants something
He TAKES it! They think
Rape is foreplay.
Emily
You’re disgusting!
Victor
I’m makin’ it real and
Keepin’ it real which you
PRETEND that you value.
Who tells truth
If you don’t get it from me?
If Darla got pregnant – you know
What she’d do.
Emily
(Sighs)
She’d have that damn baby
Darla’s a sticker. DAMN –
That girl is old school.
Victor
So – now you’ve got the chance to
Nip this in the bud!
That’s what REAL friends would do.
Show her Oscar’s true colors!
Emily
(wavering)
How can nudies fix anything?
Victor
‘Cause Oscar will dump her!
And Coach will dump HIM!
Emily
You’re not helping your
“Nudes are art” theory
With this “pics are
Hand grenades” plot.
Make up your mind!
Victor
It’s Oscar’s mind I’m
Playing with. That guy’s
A caveman! You know
How they are. Here’s
Your chance to expose him!
Emily
You’re talking crazy.
Victor
Hey, I’ll contain all the
Damage. Where are YOUR
Nudie pix? Safe and sound!
(pats his phone)
See? You know you can trust me!
You know Daddy’s good for it!
Emily
But you’re so
Conniving – playing
Both sides to middle.
Victor
Oh, be a guy’s girl for once
Like you. claimed
To be when
You promised yourself to me.
Don’t go all
Girlie-girl.
(makes what he thinks is a mincing gesture)
Emily
This is the whole problem
With high school monogamy!
We’re such different people
In four short years!
Victor
(Offended)
Well, I ain’t no Ken doll.
Emily
And I’m no Barbie!
Victor
Truthfully –
Ain’t it been wonderful
How we stick together?
You got all your friends’ envy.
Emily
‘Cause they don’t know the truth.
They don’t see my
Compromise.
(Victor pours on the sugar)
Victor
It’s a cold world out there, baby.
A girl needs protection.
Emily
(Exhausted)
Oh leave me alone.
I can’t cope. You’re like
A bulldozing
Bloviator.
(She exits; Victor does silent victory dance)
Alysse Aallyn 