Parents can watch this need for The Reciprocal Other awaken. At about the age of two the infant, who has belonged to the parents and who has felt like part of them, begins to show a lot of interest in the outside world. But when she sees a pint-sized someone exactly like herself, a certain sparkle comes into her eyes. She wants to clutch, bond with, play with that person. Hang on, because now the thrill-ride is beginning, the search Plato described as our search for our Missing Half. Mating behavior is an even more powerful driver in biology than feeding needs. Mating drives species to extravagant displays of seemingly dangerous behaviors, obsessive building, fighting and positioning. Species who mate for life put themselves through complex effort to secure The One. So this is biology, folks. You are in the grips of an instinctual drive it is pointless to resist. Hang on, and let’s make sure your brain becomes engaged.
Sex cadets
I shall orchestrate your life I say Make your blood sing woodwind Stretch my nerve harp-tight Across your exo-shell While you, heart racer Put me through my paces Pushing your muscle through The gates of my life Pushing past theories of the pluperfect poetical pushing like a downhill artist the speed racer you claim to be Speed devil Speed demon Speed dreamer.
Assess your potential to connect. We wake alone, but we are on the path of Attachment. Ask yourself; do you seek balanced, indestructible attachment, synchronous, not disharmonic relationship; a connection that is symbiotic, not exploitative. If the answer is Yes, you are on the path of Paradise.
How can we achieve these goals? First, we must understand and accept our Self, our Ego, with all its quirks and flaws, needs and yearnings, limits and possibilities. Then we must understand the Other; the Lover. We must attune ourselves to the structure of their yearning to begin to construct our duet, our dance. After that we must negotiate the rapids of relationship with each other and with the outside world. Danger! Excitement! Ecstasy! Despair…Compassion. Union.
We are caterpillars, you and I, attempting to learn the language of butterflies. We are unprepossessing creatures, daily absorbed in infantile needs of eating and excreting, but we have a firm promise of a future in which we stretch our gorgeous wings.
Love – Love is the spirit that animates the empty spaces between humans. Once charged, these spaces become a powerful force for growth and change – uncharged they are so much dead air. Love is the longing to be truly alive and to share life with the Blissed, Blessed Others.
Yearning Defines Us – Once we knew the meaning of life but it seems we have forgotten. But oh, how we long to be reminded, to re-experience the borderlessness between creatures that makes the dead universe come alive.
Challenge – We can’t go back, we can only go forward. We must practice uncertain techniques we can’t recall in a threateningly uncertain world. We truly are standing up and running across the ocean, just as in my dream, but this time, we have the confidence of memory. Someone loved us once, now we can re-create and perpetuate that magic. In your Dream Journal, list all the aspects of love that you can remember. How many can you yourself practice?
Danger – Danger lies in narrowing definitions. Love must ever open outwards. As soon as we turn Love into a zero sum game with a shut-off valve the moment we feel gratified, Love is killed.
Opportunity – Close your eyes and assume yoga’s starfish pose. We are open to what the universe longs to teach and once we commit to pass it on, we form an unbreakable chain, free at last from the bonds of selfishness. Clasp the hand (or paw) that generously, trustingly takes hold of yours.
Models & Mentors –“‘to love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides” – David Viscott
“Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only what you are expecting to give, which is everything” – Katherine Hepburn
“Love gives you a piece of your soul you never knew was missing”
– Torquato Tasso
“Love is the gift of oneself” – Jean Anouilh
“I love you for who I am when I’m with you” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Mantra – “I embrace”
Meditation –
#Haiku: Honesty
Stop delusion No one’s fooled. Acknowledge Truth – Radiate Love: Know Peace.
Soulmates – Do you dream of a lost twin? Do you look in the mirror and see someone else? Do you ever view another across a crowded room, touch their hand, and feel a strange galvanic charge? Do you think soulmates are possible? Is there only one or are soulmates developed? Are you disenchanted with sex? Do you have sex dreams that are more like night terrors? Does sex make you feel increasingly worthless and untouchable?
Soulmates Are Real And You Have One – It’s never too late. You are never so “lost” you can’t find your soulmate. The problem is, your soulmate feels just the way you do and you are frightened by that. You want your soulmate to rescue you, but you have to rescue each other. This takes a lot of bravery, a lot of humility, much insight and a little magic.
Challenge – There are plenty of frogs out there and some vipers, and we have kissed each. Possibly more than once. It’s also possible that we have “rewired” our system – through porn, games, and casual sex – so that it actually prevents us from finding a soulmate and forging a life bond. This is why starting as friends is so critical. It gets your defenses down to the point where yo can talk about fears, desires and problematic reactions. You can go slowly, make mistakes and be prepared to learn.
Danger – Sometimes – let’s face it – most times, you and your soulmate are “sick.” You have “caught” an infection from a society that says “fuck you” to eternal, mystical, mutual sexual union. That makes things hard. You don’t get “well” overnight. You need to practice good mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual hygiene and you both have to figure out what that is. You both need to make the map of mutuality – in each other’s minds and bodies – for yourself. If the other person refuses to get “well” you must get away from them. The most important part of soulmating is this mutual pledge for health and growth – for both of you.
Opportunity – My book, I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead – is about the supernatural powers of soulmates. It’s about what to do when you dislike your soulmate at first. It’s about what to do when you and your soulmate both have horrific pasts and are pursued by actual demons. I can’t say it clearer than that. Don’t be frightened. Your bond is eternal, across time, geography and multiverses. Take it slow. You have all the time in the world.
Models & Mentors – “A soulmate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life and then introduce you to your spiritual master” – Elizabeth Gilbert
“A soulmate is the one person whose love is powerful enough to motivate you to meet your soul to do the emotional work of self-discovery and awakening” – Kenny Loggins
“They fought all the time and challenged each other every day. They were crazy about each other” – Nicholas Sparks
“I know what love is, because of you.” – Herman Hesse
Mantra – “I am yours as you are mine”
Meditation –
#Haiku: I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead
Only soulmates can Slay each other’s dragons Says Tibetan Master
Ambisextrous – Do you dream of being the “opposite” sex? IS there an opposite sex? Are these threatening dreams or pleasurable ones? Do you dream of the fetish trophies of gender; makeup, wigs, shoes, sports equipment? Do you have frequent “freedom” dreams: flying, swimming? Wake up damp, pulses pounding? Sometimes we want to be our own romantic partner, the subject of a lifelong pursuit. This is nothing but the honorable, deep desire to truly know oneself, to master our selfhood before we leave the planet. C.S. Lewis says we are not a body with a soul, we are a Soul with a body.
Remember – In the Dream, you are everyone. In dreams we confront ourselves, we challenge ourselves, we evolve ourselves. Write in your Dream Journal what it would be like to be your own opposite, your own Desire.
Challenge – Woody Allen says bisexuality doubles your chances to get a date on Saturday night. Anything wrong with that? Nobody should force themselves to perform sexually; it is important at all times to move as slowly as you feel comfortable with. The sexual revolution was a lot of fun, but it was spoiled for many people by a witless prejudice against “hang-ups.” Revulsion and doubt tell us plenty. We are on this earth to hone our “gut” instinct as well as our sensitivities. Gavin de Becker, danger specialist, reminds us that fear is a “gift.” Honor it.
Danger – Most “bad sex” stories when one sex disappoints or violates the other, start with substance abuse, undertaken with a nervous desire to get into a more relaxed or even transcendental state. All it actually does is skip over the “informed consent” part that is such an important feature of identity and will. Predators with a need for speed drug their prey! Afterwards the complex feelings of violation an shame take a life time to deal with. These facts mean we need to study trust before we study sex. What is trust? Safety? Honor? Let’s work on those issues while we develop a free space to evolve, experiment and grow.
Opportunity – Fresh interpretations of gender make this a glorious time to be alive. I can recall when gender was a prison sentence! Now it is an invitation to live more fully, to experience oneself and others more richly, to participate in that fruitful life of which we all dream.
Mantra – “I become”
Models & Mentors – “The great gift of human beings is we all have empathy. We can sense a mysterious connection to each other” – Meryl Streep
“Leadership is about empathy. It is about relating to people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives” – Oprah Winfrey
“The capacity for empathy leads to a genuine encounter I which heart speaks to heart” – Pope Francis
“I believe empathy is the most essential quality of civilization” – Roger Ebert
“Empathy has no script…there is no right way or wrong way…there is only listening, emotionally connecting, communicating the incredibly healing message ‘You’re not alone” – Brene Brown
Meditation –
#Haiku – Ambisextrous
Ambisexuality: Joyously roused; By beauty Everywhere
The Firefly – False Love – Do you dream of masked balls? Betrayals? Loved and known faces turning demonic? People becoming animals? Mazes and puzzles that melt and change?
Learn to understand these terms: Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Covert and Overt; Love Bombing, Traumatic Bonding, Gaslighting, Projections, DARVO, Emotional Abuse and Emotional Empathy. Write these down in your Dream Journal. They are important.
You Will Be Offered False Love at some point in your life (for some people, it’s at birth.) Something in you will recognize this, but your conscious self desperately resists this knowledge. Dreams, however, are The Great Revealer. Narcissists Lack Empathy. They may be sadistic as a result of their own trauma bonding experiences, but that makes them no less dangerous. They long to kill your innocence and joy to compensate for their lack of these treasured emotions.
The Firefly is not the only creature using illusion for the purposes of seduction. Seduction is Love-Bombing. They hop to addict you so that you will stay throughout the coming Bad Times, arguing, bargaining, placating and Trying to Figure Out What Went Wrong. This is emotional abuse.
False Lovers lives in a shifting Potemkin Village of mirrors. This is gaslighting. Narcissists are uninterested in the truth, they are only interested in manipulation; what they can make you do. The main thing they hope to achieve is shifting responsibility for their hopes and needs entirely onto you.
They, on the other hand, are not responsible for any damage done to you (and if they have their Way, much will be.) This is entirely “your own fault.”
Projection is the narcissistic claim that others are seeking to destroy them. Guess who’s REALLY seeking to destroy whom? Projection enables DARVO.
DARVO – Deny: Lies and fabrications follow any confronting. Attack: They claim it’s you who is at fault. Brings up something from the past as well to try and show you evidence that you are to blame for their abuse towards you. Reverse Victim and Offender: Says that they have been victimized by you, YOU are the abuser, YOU are the narcissist.
Challenge – Don’t feel sorry for yourself. God put us on this earth to harden Love Warriors for Heaven. You need to know what evil lurks in human hearts, how to recognize, confront and destroy. Just as the deceptive catfish forces the lazy cod to keep moving (and improving!) when they would rather lie sluggishly on the bottom, the False Lover improves our game.
We realize we are part of a very complex universe where wings disguise themselves as eyes and flowers are chameleons. Stay alert. Realize you are energy. Realize others wish to capture your energy and use it for their own fuel. Get smart.
Danger – Don’t become a False Lover yourself. Their options are far too restricted. Humans are more than energy. Real Empathy allow us to live multiple lives – to become Immortal like God Herself. Love is more than fuel, it is living water as well as unquenchable fire. It is more than worthwhile to hold out for the Real Thing. Real Love stands the test of Time. We are playing this game to get to the next level, and you can’t do that with such a narrow view of existence, where all of Creation is means to an end – the end of You, slick and fat, lying sluggish at the bottom of the Universe. We are commanded to Rise, and so we will.
Opportunity – Expand your inner and outer vision. We are multidimensional beings and our emotions – our very orgasms – can become multidimensional as well when we appreciate the historic, the inter-generational, the cosmic ramifications of everything we do and think and are. The marriage service talks about hanging in there through sickness and poverty, and it is a proven fact that people who have been through terrible experiences have a deeper connection. It becomes a secret language others just don’t “understand”. When you have children, you gain the ability to live through them – this is a multi-player, multi-avatar game! Life itself can be a terrible (as well as wonderful) experience. So buckle up! Those who are not alert will be eaten.
Models & Mentors – “Remember sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck” – Dalai Lama
“Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go.” – Nikita Gill
“Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t value it” – Wm Shakespeare
“Temporary people teach permanent lessons” – Alysse Aallyn
“Love dies of wounds, errors and betrayals” – Anais Nin
“Attitude toward gratitude defines a person” – Eli Wiesel
Mantra – “I rise”
Meditation –
Haiku: The Firefly – False Love
Glitter is Hypnotic: Brain freezes Heartbeat slows Wallet Disappears
Night – Balance – We are different people in our dreams. We wake up amazed, even ashamed, of the things we wanted, said, did. Who are we, really? Are we the wishes and fears that rush through our subconscious or are we our daytime selves?
The answer is – we are both. We must balance between the flood of desires and objectives that sleep flushes out.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3
Balance is a key law of nature to avoid the dreaded death-like stagnancy. Once our conscious is in harmony with our subconscious, our dreams will balance our waking life. In dreams we try on many lives. Even the worst nightmare can be looked at objectively, as a story with potential significance.
Moderation in All Things – said Hesiod, the Roman poet 750 BC and its still good advice. We use balance as a whetstone to sweeten our pleasures and soften our griefs; torrents that are otherwise unsurvivable.
Challenge – We need to set up our brain’s “reward system” to handle pleasure and suffering or we will be prescribed drugs in an attempt to achieve the same effect chemically. Drugs can be useful as training wheels; ideally we want to teach our systems to achieve the same effect naturally. Calm is the first step to balance, so we must learn to calm ourselves. Meditation and yoga offer the best methods for reliable self-soothing. First we assert calm over our breath, then our bodies, lastly our thoughts. It’s not that difficult! Reminder: we do it every night as we fall asleep.
Danger – Unfortunately our contemporary life has become a competitive pursuit of “highs”. A good life well-lived provides natural highs – learning a sport, falling in love, listening to music, having children, enjoying the grandeurs of nature. Our intellect teaches us that every “high” is dramatically enriched by thinking and planning! That’s why we are called the species “homo sapiens.” Therein lies the benefit of Dream Journal.
The pursuit of highs without the thinking, planning, consolidating and enshrining stages always leads to excess and grief. Highs for their own sake inevitably disappoint, leading to a pursuit of more and more dangerous highs, which, if we are not thinking about them, sharing them with others and incorporating them into our beings, damage our core ability to experience joy.
Opportunity – Joy that is held in the mind and considered is joy endlessly re-experienced. It will be yours forever, and you will be able to share it with all the people you love for the rest of your life. Conscious dreaming (often called lucid dreaming) provides the best avenue to filter these experiences down to your subconscious level. Always have a joy to think about just as you are going to sleep, and another for when you are waking up. This will sharpen your apprehension of ecstasy and deepen your life.
Models & Mentors – “The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule but to schedule your priorities” – Stephen Covey
“Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life” – Dolly Parton
Mantra – “I balance”
Meditation –
#Haiku: Stability
To assert balance; Employ wealth of Eternal universal mind
Doyoudreamoflove,sex,connection?Hand-holding, hugging, family celebrations? You are searchingfor Alliances. An alliance is symbiotic, good for both sides of the equation. To reach out, you must firstdecide motive (“I Could Use a Friend” vs “I’m Looking For Romantic Connection”) and that you areWORTHY of connection. This last one is tricky because we are all looking to others for validation. Thisis the source of many “imposter” dreams where we find ourselves naked in front of the entire class,unprepared on Test Day.
Open Your Dream Journal – Make a list of what you want in a friend/lover, then make a list of what you are prepared to give. The lists shouldn’t be unbalanced! Are you a “giver” or a “taker”? Neither can ever be satisfied, because the music of the spheres is all about rhythm and balance.
Learn the Steps – There is much talk of “love languages”. The man who comes and digs an unsightly hole in your front yard may be awkwardly tendering a gift. The woman who doesn’t mention you’ve been talking all night with spinach in your teeth is also trying to do “something nice.” But in each case, the ultimate effect may feel “hostile” to the recipient.
There’s No Substitute for Communication – If you are hoping to communicate interest without revealing yourself you are bound for confusion and disappointment. But relax; it turns out the process of communication – trying to figure out and express who you are – is satisfyingly absorbing. It always makes you feel better, even when you meet a person who “weaponizes” honesty.
How Can That Be? – Learning to recognize Exploiters is Two-Thirds of the Game. Exploiters probe for weakness, searching for hostages. We don’t want to end up as someone else’s meal.
Wecan’tgetthroughthisalone,andwedon’twantto. Luckily, we are surrounded by other humans,struggling, just like us. If we pledge to help each other, we can dispatch terror and celebrate joy! Comforting! But how can we tell the difference between Builders and Exploiters?
Danger – When someone is trying to destroy your self-esteem, recognize this. Even if it comes in theguise of “friendship” this person is an enemy. This is not what friends are for. When someone is tryingto “capture” you, i.e. limit and control your possibilities and behavior, that person is a hostage-takerlooking for slaves. NOT a friend.
Challenge – what are friends for? Friends are honest: “I just don’t like that dress but maybe it’s me.”Friends are forgiving, ‘I’m sorry, I was having a bad day. I know you’re sorry, too.” Friends are fun,“Let’s cheer ourselves up.” Friends are helpful: “Let’s figure a way out of this.” Are you honest,forgiving, fun-loving and helpful? You’re ready to be a friend.
Opportunity– Friends are a mirror in which we see ourselves. We can experiment with possibilities, wecan expand our reach. Our intelligence is doubled, as well as our efforts. Our sorrows are halved andour ideas are increased exponentially. Reach out! You’re getting better at the game every time you try.
Models & Mentors – “You are my sun, my moon and all my stars”
– e.e. cummings
“All that we love deeply becomes a part of us” – Helen Keller
“Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place”– Zora Neale Hurston
“Love is not proud or boastful, keeps no record of past mistakes – love rejoices in the truth” –
II Corinthians
“Laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as you live” – Rumi
Goddesses Are Ambisextrous- We Express All Genders. Goddesses are empaths.Do you identify easily with multiple avatars?Are you happiest with fluid roles in a relationship? Do you dream of the fetish trophies of gender; makeup, wigs, shoes, sports equipment? Do you have frequent “freedom” dreams: flying, swimming? Waking up damp, pulses pounding?
Love Opens Goddesses – Empathy Ennobles Goddesses – IS there an “opposite” sex? Deep empathy makes us worthy to be our own romantic partners, the subject of our lifelong pursuit. This is nothing but the honorable, deepest desire to truly know oneself AND others; to master selfhood and compassion before leaving the planet. C.S. Lewis says we are not a Body with a Soul, we are Souls with a Body. We’re incarnated! It’s a thrill!
Goddess Strategy Requires “Becoming” the Other – Strengthening our imagination, we see through the barriers raised by the fearful and the pugnacious. What is “winning”? Empaths double – triple – multiply our vision, our power, and therefore our souls.
Don’t Fear Gender – Goddess who perform the “gender specifics” of rigid roles are limiting themselves. Goddess who look for opportunities to expand their reach encompass the powers, the delights, the ecstasies of all humans. What we absorb, we reflect.
Incarnated Goddesses Don’t Fear Physicality – We express ourselves with this gloriously gifted, given body, coming through this gloriously gifted, given world. We expect, even worship, Transformation. Woody Allen says bisexuality doubles your chances to get a date on Saturday night. Anything wrong with that? Goddesses never “force” themselves to “perform” sexually; (or to “perform sexuality”) that is subjugation.
Goddesses Move Slowly to Absorb, Interpret, Comprehend – We desire to see, to know, to experience everything. Always move as slowly as you feel comfortable with, keeping all options and emotions alive. The “sexual revolution” was a lot of fun, but it was spoiled for many by a witless prejudice against “reserve.” Revulsion, instinctive distaste and doubt tell us plenty. We are on this earth to hone our “gut” instinct as well as our sensitivities. Gavin de Becker, danger specialist, reminds us that fear is an insight, an intuition, a God-given “gift.” Honor it.
Goddesses Educate Themselves on Risk – Dangerous “bad sex” stories start with substance abuse, usually undertaken with a nervous desire to get into a more relaxed or even transcendental state; but all it actually does is skip over the “informed consent” that is such an important feature of identity and will. Predators with a need for speed drug their prey! Afterwards the complex feelings of violation and shame can take a lifetime to deal with. These facts mean we must study “trust” BEFORE we study sex. What is trust? Safety? Honor? Let’s work on those issues while we develop a free space to evolve, experiment and grow.
Goddesses Seize Opportunity – Fresh interpretations of “gender“ make this a glorious time to be alive. I can recall when gender was a prison sentence of compulsion and rigidity! Now it is an invitation to live more fully, to experience oneself and others more richly, to participate in that fruitful, heavenly life for which we all yearn.
Models & Mentors – “The great gift of human beings is we all have empathy. We can sense a mysterious connection to each other” – Meryl Streep
“Leadership is about empathy. It is about relating to people for the purpose of inspiring and empowering their lives” – Oprah Winfrey
“The capacity for empathy leads to a genuine encounter I which heart speaks to heart” – Pope Francis
“I believe empathy is the most essential quality of civilization” – Roger Ebert
“Empathy has no script…there is no right way or wrong way…there is only listening, emotionally connecting, communicating the incredibly healing message ‘You’re not alone” – Brene Brown
Alysse Aallyn 