Right before my husband and I moved East, I applied to the MFA program at Brooklyn College and to my surprise, was accepted and offered a “fellowship”. I was given a stipend and a class to teach. When they asked where I’d graduated college, I left the form blank. In my Warrior Way, such things weren’t important. Apparently , they didn’t notice this until half-way through the semester. When they confronted me on it, I said I’d been to two colleges but hadn’t graduated from anywhere. With the insouciance of youth, I didn’t think it was such a big deal. After all, they were a college! I was there to take whatever classes were required to get their silly degree. If that meant I couldn’t teach classes, that was OK by me. These prep classes – how to write an essay – were Brooklyn’s way of weeding out undergrads who couldn’t hack the demands of college courses. Traumatic for teacher AND student. I wouldn’t miss giving them. I didn’t aspire to be a teacher, I wanted to be a writer. Before my record was discovered, my teaching was given very high marks. Afterwards – not so much. But the college felt it was a VERY big deal and kicked me out. My writing teacher offered to contest their decision, but I told him not to bother. I was realizing that I probably DID need a degree, that I probably DID need to go to college and that Brooklyn WASN’T the right place for me. (I didn’t like their writing program!)
I was feeling the powerful pull of mysticism. One of the reasons I was so cavalier about universal requirements was that I felt the world they represented was an illusion. I could see the Real World invitingly glittering, unexplored, around me. I applied to undergrad at LaSalle College which also offered me a writing fellowship. Here I worked one on one with students to improve their writing and I wasn’t required to grade or even assess anyone. I took it.
Fellows
Choosing the perfect word Is about rendering the fatted thought; Blending ideas – Maximizing luck & Happenstance; Unbulking winged objects Capable of flight – Lifting you And maybe me – Out of the muck We all woke up in Just this morning.
Bad news – Scribner’s rejects mystery, so I went to the hairdresser in great determination to get a new cut & body wave. I showed her pictures and she seemed to know what she was doing but it came out much too curly when what I wanted was a wave. She said after I washed it most of the curl would leave – it HASN’T – even the color looks brassier – now I think I look like Little Orphan Annie. Toss says “you traumatize easy” and it’s the truth. Never acquired the rhinoceros hide. Trying to be philosophical but feeling hopeless about my work which is the obvious result when you try to please people but don’t. Afraid agent Lavallee is going to abandon me and I couldn’t blame her – also the whole thing about having an agent is they have to think about the market and the market is telling me to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
Luckily the baby is a great joy. I let myself get too tired – made a big effort to get to Women’s Group and it was distressingly boring Old Testament stuff. When I tried to apologize to Mom for dragging her to this event she behaved strangely – maybe she PREFERS Old Testament – couldn’t figure it out. Daisy wanted to know why I was distressed and I couldn’t explain how my parents seem to feel threatened by my religious beliefs. Mom & Daisy did NOT like each other. At least Mom didn’t act scornful which was my big fear.
Last Sutton & Pansy came to dinner with Mom & Dad – it was a successful event and the parents liked Pansy very much. Didn’t sniff afterwards about how vulgar they were or over-interested in money. In fact, they acted like rich people around me for the first time, drinking a lot of wine and talking about Merrill Lynch Cash Management Fund. Toss very surprised to hear his father say that if certain targets are reached, he plans to give the Country Store he bought for $125,000 to the manager, a virtual stranger! T used to be against hitting up Sutton for bucks but this might change his mind.
Tonight parents are off to Aunt Fred’s so Toss & I can have dinner alone. Tomorrow afternoon Mom & Dad leave.
Thousands of phone calls to make and letters to write but I think I will just be ruthless and postpone them till I feel up to it. God, I feel better! Just need to talk to myself once in a while. Having a beer and trying to express milk for the baby’s night bottle.
8 PM 4 Dec 81 Started hemorrhaging at midwife appt today. Adair gave me a shot of methargine and had me rest until the bleeding stopped, then prescribed bedrest! No stairs for a week! No housework! I was so tired I was grateful for the directive. I especially want to avoid a D & C.
8:20 PM Tues 8 Dec 81 I did have to go to the hospital – had to call Adair at ll:30 because bleeding started up again with enormous clots! She came over and said I needed Medical Management.
I went to Middlesex Hospital at 2 AM where I was prodded and probed by literally EVERYONE in the emergency room while I clung tearfully to Toss, upset at being separated from Shane, who was being cared for by Lois. Finally, I was sent to a private room where I was able to express milk. Sent 2 bottles back with T so Shane never did run short.
The Pitocin in my IV finally stopped the bleeding and I was released at 5:30 without having a D & C.
Since then I’ve been OK – no bleeding at all.
I am being driven insane by being waited on. T never has dinner ready before 9 and when I send him for tea or coffee he always forgets.
I don’t mind giving up housework but I want to resume a normal schedule and take Shane places but we really can’t go anywhere before the Bahamas.
My reading diverse – The Economist, Money mag and 2 Agatha Christies. Also the entire diary of the Princess of Pless, which I found fascinating.
Yesterday I almost got back to my writing but Shane thrashed around like a whale in a tank all afternoon and by the time he subsided I needed a nap myself. Baby needs changing AGAIN!
Last week the nearest I got to postpartum depression was sobbing over Scribner rejection. I hold 2 contradictory views at the same time. Money represents freedom & dignity, and, it doesn’t matter at all.
Daddy weirdly touchy with me at the beginning of our visit asking what mistakes I’m going to make with MY child (as if I knew!) The only thing I can tell for sure is I’m bound to make SOME (but I won’t make THEIRS.) Sutton seems to have made an impact on him – he bought Printronix, opened a margin account and checks out the stock possibilities of California wines.
Freedom would mean writing what I like and selling directly. What fun. But you have to be prepared to lose money on it. I like doing things MY WAY which is probably why I’ve had so little success so far.
Dr. Jones trying to discover how my self-esteem got so badly damaged in the first place. Feel power slowly returning to me through the confusion & helplessness. Dimly realize I should welcome these difficulties if it makes me stronger. Freeing myself from people liking my poetry. My enemies are exhaustion & demoralization. Still want to write a mystery and have so many ideas I am afraid of them. Also, bothered by Toss. I have been horny the past 3 nights (no full sex for 6 weeks) but he keeps falling asleep with his clothes on.
Being good on my diet so hopefully will be skinny soon. Already look not-too-bad though stomach loose. Swimming in the Bahamas will help. Reading Troyat’s Catherine the Great. Looks like baby needs a feeding. Won’t tackle stairs till the weekend – then I’ll feel I’ve done my best.
10:45 PM Wonderful interview with William Stafford in American Poetry Review. Helpful yet caused fresh agonies. It was about writing for the process, avoiding disapproval AND approval. Yet how kill this terrible hunger?
My last conversation with Charlene making me think this friendship is pretty well over. I have the sense of not being listened to. She thinks I’m too privileged to have problems. Says I should try a tutorial with Ezra (whose taste I deplore) when I have given up on Guilders (and it has given up on me.)
Wed 9 Dec 81 Poor Weasel killed by a car this morning – killed outright, thank God – ½ hr after leaving the house. Very sad knowing she got away with this because we couldn’t pay attention to her. Lately we’ve been trying to get her to sleep in a cotton lined bed because of her allergy and she was taking it as a punishment. In a year or two it will be time to get a puppy Dixie can lick into shape.
Goodbye, beloved white dog. See you where all things are perfect and I can give you the attention you deserve. Valiant Toss out burying the body.
Thinking tormentedly about my writing. So much I want to write and can’t – rejection and poverty are difficult. But my “problem” is something else. The terms of my bondage are unclear. What is the condition I am searching for? Serenity. It’s funny how much better this diary makes me feel.
3:15 PM Baby asleep almost 2 hrs now. I’m still in bed – the crises and chaos of this morning haven’t allowed me to get up yet. Reading Living With Your New Baby which is very helpful. Called Lois to tell her I can’t cope with phone calls for the time being – I need to isolate to cope with stress. However, I could address announcement envelopes if Toss would remember to bring them home. Granma is being a pain, constantly calling & writing – we will see her Sat. She offered money but seems to have forgotten.
Hard to believe Weasel, so vibrant a few hours ago, is bloodied & broken in the earth.
I most mind the separation from Toss; our “togetherness” is an “affront” to his father’s loss he thinks. But it gives me more time for writing.
Today was the worst day – no, yesterday was pretty bad too. Long ordeal of preparing food and sitting around waiting for somebody to eat it. Awful. Toss keeps trying to take away jobs his poor father really wants to do – everyone wants the man to sit there stunned and feel his loss. Subtle struggle for power between Lew’s brother Avery & Toss. Toss wants to do everything and he’s physically angry with other people’s interference; locking his jaw, snapping his head and waving his fists. This makes ME angry!
Current thinking is its “good” to let your anger out but since anger is infectious this really is a stupid idea. I’m sure Toss is angry because he was raised by a really angry woman. Reminds me of my father’s anger – my mother’s response was to drift away, humming. It’s impossible to love a really angry person – anger is a rejection. Granma doesn’t help – tries to goad people into activities; sorting, cleaning fussing projects; busywork. Really annoying. We contemplatives get short shrift around her.
Sat 12 July 80 – Grover’s Mill A week since Val’s funeral. Toss forced me to buy horrible clothes – I thought since it was all his and his family’s affair I’d give in to his taste – results shockingly bad. Things I never wear: Khaki, stripes, constricting belts: Yuck! So much for his “You have no taste Alysse.” Now we know what he thinks taste is: BEIGE CANVAS. Comfort not only NOT a consideration, It’s an insult – to the universe apparently. Never again. Saw Val in her coffin – touched her rock-hard chest, her frozen face. Nothing more shocking than a dead person – it’s like any object. God!
Finished wedding invites, immediately invaded by terror. Why? Wish the wedding was tomorrow – wish I was pregnant – Is it because now I have to write? Probably. Other people don’t seek out electric jolts. Invaded by hunger which I tried to ignore by biking to Post Office. While riding, I think.
Sun 13 July 80 5:35 Finished sewing pearls on my wedding veil. A peaceful activity. Yesterday Seth (T’s brother) and his fiancé Sue came to dinner. Talk about Lois who is struggling to write a “You deserve it” letter to Sutton. Found pix to show of Sutton & Lois’ courting phase. Even when he’s smiling down at her (1949) he’s holding his body in an attitude of withdrawal. They married 2 months before Toss’ birth! But Lois looks happy.
When he failed to respond up to what she considered his romantic potential she began the punishments, the denigration, and when he turned away she acted so amazed! Her power, her charm, her luck – rushed out of her like air from a punctured balloon. What did she expect! “He’s so awful he doesn’t deserve to leave me?” When does THAT ever work? Doesn’t even work with kids! They flee at the first opportunity!
She received all God’s gifts – except…the one everybody wants. It’s more like a curse.
16 July 80 – 11:30 PM Retire with the rum, hot milk & honey I promised myself – this will do more for my headache than aspirin. Been stupid all day. Wrote a few pages on Prisoner – hope it goes better when I get to Labarraz. Villains always interesting.
Tried unsuccessfully to read Straub’s Ghost Story. How can something so coarse-fibred be so praised? Someday we’ll look back on him the way we look back on Ms Humphrey Ward. Clueless in Paradise.
Avril called – Daddy gets a million and a quarter from Corning or $55,000 year for the next 30 years. Says he hopes we won’t mind if he “squanders” it. Inzar kids get a million each. I admit it – I’m jealous. What would I do with it? Philosophy degree from Fordham?
Sat 19 July 80 Housework not finished – unfortunately. We have a guest interrupting my dreaming hours – Galaine – elderly cousin of T’s whom I politely asked to be my matron of honor takes it as an invitation to move in. Fortunately, she sleeps late. Horror stories about how her husband beats her – she used to flee her home to sleep in the church. They’re divorced thank God. Washed Weasel AGAIN – she tangled with a skunk and is stiff and pink from tomato juice.
Toss leaves Monday for 5 days in Kentucky studying with buddy Boone Macafee. In 5 days alone can’t I get 75 pages? We’ll see.
9:15 PM – 21 July 80 Light spatter of rain can’t break the heat – still in the high 90’s though it’s dark outside. Perfect half-moon burns a hole though the cloud cover. Strange gunpowder noises could be thunder or carnival a mile away. Dixie the Labrador very worked up.
Inside myself I grapple. Reading theology is a help. I feel people come into the world not blank but as coded entities. Trying to figure out the code. Reading Rosamond Lehmann – Swan in the Evening & short stories – it sends me into a Woolf frenzy. My psyche knows the vitamin it needs. Can’t write so I address wedding invitations – it’s like a dinner party – the more you can do in advance the better.
9:30 PM – 23 July 80 Excellent days I’ve had. Wise waiting to write till things fall into place inside. Thoroughly enjoyed (and mostly agreed with) Garry Wills’ Bare Ruined Choirs. Shouted & cheered my way thru the sex chapters. He was good, too on the Jesus freaks.
It hit me – here’s my Secaire. It’s my religious novel. I was dumb, I was slow but feel now I’ve got it. Up most of the night reading Greeley’s Making of the Pope 1978 – NOT an edifying story. We are all made in each other’s image.
Housework. Avril’s train 10:30.
The Barnacle Cabin – Shadow Island MAINE – 11:30 AM – Mon 28 July 80 Argument with Avril – can Mom & Dad change? Should we nudge them? She is hostile to the idea: don’t EVEN TRY!!! But last night at dinner I pointed out how Mom interrupts – won’t let us get a word out – she was flabbergasted!! She’d been completely unaware of it – and so’s Mom! And it goes against Mom’s philosophy etc. So, there’s a change we could make if we pointed it out. Genevieve did give me some support. Agreed Plumly made a mockery of religion for the students (which Mom & Dad did NOT want to hear).
Merrill very threatening and formidable – will not allow her schedule with Baby Barney to be interrupted. PERIOD. Whew!
When I asked what time I could come to the Periwinkle Cabin and make coffee she said NEVER.
The Barnacle needs hotplate!
Merrill NOT a good ad for pregnancy – her body looks collapsed like a beanbag chair. I remind myself – this is where all the gins & tons are tending.
Genevieve on the other hand looking particularly gorgeous – very challenging about my desire to go to Fordham; says “It’s CATHOLIC” the way you’d say “It’s fascist.” Wish I could have explained my emotional feeling that mysticism is “beyond all that.”
The Barnacle – midnight July 30-31 – 80 Talked to my sweetie on the phone and he read me some mail. Cindy thanks me for my note but “can’t face” the wedding. What did I say? Can’t remember.
He had a good day on his exams – felt excited and competent. But he feels utterly unprepared for tomorrow’s New Jersey exam.
Finished Jean Love’s Virginia Woolf – Sources of Madness & Art which I adored – can’t wait for the next volume. Especially interesting to read it “in the bosom of family” so to speak. Jean Love points out family members’ development is complementary to all others’ (family members’) development. Mom & Dad less insulting this time – they must be starting to think this wedding might really come off.
2:10 AM – Grover’s Mill – New Jersey – Sat 24 May 1980
Here we are! Just finished painting the newly plastered wall, putting up a bookcase and most of my books in it. Bad moment when T. thought I was going to paint the wall yellow (I wasn’t.) The kitchen is done but this bedroom still looks like hell.
Wrote a 9 p letter to Devon when I was at my bluest. Probably shouldn’t send it! Sometimes life is too mysterious and T is too much of a stranger. Imagine making this move with Devon! (Or Bruce!) Or Ryder. UNIMAGINABLE!!!! Things are worse because we’re fasting till Mon AM. I use food to pep myself up but this summer I’m determined to get my greed under control. Hard accomplishing anything with T standing over me questioning every move I make.
Looking for a place to hang the Earl & Countess of Horton bas reliefs Mom gave me T said, “I won’t lie to you – I don’t like them.” I said, “I’ll put them in my study” but then I boiled. I don’t like ANY of his stuff – his horrible vintage Camel ads – it’s all hideous – but what if I said so? I took it for granted that if HE likes & wants it, end of story. Evidently, I need to recast my thinking! But that’s impossible – if I rejected everything I didn’t like we’d only have my stuff!
Memorial Day Our compromise is – he works in the barn, I work in the house. The barn is full of treasures that need to be appraised and catalogued and probably sold but he is wildly incensed when I say so! Everything must be saved till it chokes us to death. He is a very angry man and his anger makes me angry. Most unpleasant. He said Alysse, even when you’re angry you’re the person I love most in the world. I feel like I have T’s peace of mind in my care but he doesn’t have mine because he doesn’t know HOW to. Wasted time trying to get him to see praise & encouragement aren’t the same thing. He says, “At least when I praise you you’ll know I mean it.”
He thinks I love him because my “standards are low.”
4:30 AM Sat 31 May 80
Can’t sleep. Reading Helen Van Slyke’s hymn to the middle class but all her books are hymns to the middle class. People who think life is an Ionesco play crossed with Munch’s The Scream won’t like Helen Van Slyke.
Lavallee likes my rewrite “a lot” and is submitting it to Crown. I was sure she’d be able to tell I’m getting numb but apparently not. Sent my gothic The Bride & the Wolves to Tower. Now I have to take a serious look at St Secaire.
Had a little cry (private fortunately) over T praising my clothes, body & housework but not projects or ideas. Need to start a serious program of prayer & meditation.
Ackerman liked T but his CLERKS didn’t want him and Ackerman leaves it up to them! Too bad. Now he’s behind on his bar study schedule because of the move. Maybe self-study NOT the best pattern for a procrastinator?
I think men just aren’t bred to give encouragement.
7:15 PM Wed 4 June 80
“O Rose Thou Art Sick…”
The problem is T’s anger. When we are walking the dogs he says, “Keep to the road, dammit!” There is no point cursing at a dog! He says it makes HIM feel better. I say anger is corrupting – it just makes EVERYBODY angrier! How break an addiction that poisons our relationship? How is it women are called “strident” when men pullulate with such rage?
Forms arrived so I innocently shared my poems and he got jealous of RYDER!!! It never even occurred to me! (poem in question: Love the magician) Obviously, I should have kept these publications “secret” but how icky is that! Especially when the guy is lecturing me on “honesty” night and day. I’m going to have to start pleading the Fifth.
Set up a prayer desk in my study – books, candles, etc. I’m going to practice. I feel stupid asking for things – just try to get in touch with the Divine. But I also feel like God could “save” T! Flood him with light, etc.
Yesterday required interview with Eng Dept at Guilders College for teaching. They astonished me by saying “You’re hired”!
Thurs 5 June 80 Yesterday so bad I threatened to give up and drive to Washington! I was almost in despair. He said I am preventing him from studying with my “demands” which means breathing, sleeping & eating apparently.
He apologized finally and said he’s just so upset about the bar exam! So, I try to relax him physically. Give up on dieting – alcohol & food accomplish what rationalizing & arguing won’t.
Sat 7 Jun 80 We’ve been here a little over 2 weeks and the place is beginning to look like ours. I’m sitting in the garden under holly, maple, lilacs and cypress – an English garden gone to seed. I see Toss’s light in the Little House (an outbuilding) where he is studying.
Tomorrow drive to Phila to celebrate T’s birthday then on Mon I plan to plunge into my study & redo Secaire. Mom & Dad called – I told them about Gilders College Writing Fellowship. They told me ForOptics merged with Corning Glass – up to 24 from 8. This would be good news for me if I could ever get hold of my stock but my “trustee” – Dad – won’t let me have it. He is considering a disbursement. He’d better since Gilders’ stipend is $60/week!
T & I had the usual fight last night but I am learning from them. He goes “negative” & combative very fast. I have to grit my teeth not to mushily give in – I don’t want to fight but APPARENTLY HE DOES – the trick is to get him to see it. He thinks I’m just “resistant” and “demanding.” Resolved to bring his unconscious processes into consciousness.
Reading PD James’ Innocent Blood – just awful. What bone does she have to pick, that’s the curiosity. Feels like she hates females. Probably thinks she must go “male” to write – or how can female “fluidity” direct a story?
This feathered dervish Is an endangered species, Always seeking center of the fire. Does he know what we don’t or Is he just trying to make us feel guilty?
Iridescently decrescent he’s Always fighting someone else’s battles. He wins quite a few because Celestial wing’s always Quicker than the eye.
So much to write don’t know where I should start! Quebec is a beautiful city built by dreamers. From the grassy fortress of the citadel to the boardwalks of the wharf I have fallen in love wit it. I loved London, Florence, Paris and Rome and now I have to add Quebec! You could be fooled into thinking that it was a prosperous French seaport.
Not just the money and signs are different, the people are different as well. We drove all night to get here and when I awoke from my uncomfortable position on the floor we were parked on the Green Plains of Abraham!
A troop was sent to buy breakfast while the rest of us walked around. I stood on a bluff overlooking the harbor and then sat meditatively on a bench. How beautiful life is, what a precious thing to have! How can people look forward to eternal life when this is so good? Seems greedy to ask for more!
After breakfast, put on my blue gingham sundress and off to the Chateau Frontenac to use the john. “You can’t miss it!’ said Stu, putting me in the lead because my garbled French has him fooled. He underestimated me. I clung to the belief that since Chateau Frontenac is old, big and made of stone, any old big stone building would do. I led my faithful few to a storehouse, a club and the Quebec Institute of Dramatic Art before we wound up at the Quebec Parliament where we wandered up and down the halls.
After all that fun, Andrea and I were on our own, working on more creative ways of getting lost. A street artist did my portrait for $2. He made me too pretty but flattery will get you everywhere. I’ll give it to Mom in a last-ditch effort to give her some illusions about me. I ruled the sailors and hoods and old men who came after us Unacceptable! Poor Andrea in mourning for her brothers will take anybody but I won’t let her. She wanted a midshipman, I wanted a French beatnik. We found two charming French beatniks (short-ish- my height) who walked us to our bus. Learned a new French word: “ravigoter” to freshen. Two beatniks gave us two kisses each! Singing on the bus: Up in the Air, Junior Birdman, Up on the Air, Upside Down! And Down in the Sea, Junior Frogman! Made camp WAY outside Quebec and we were tortured all night by malevolent mosquitoes. Next morning I was so sleepy I didn’t think I could stand up. Fortunately I can sleep at the laundromat. I sent so many postcards!
July 4, 64 – Stratford Ontario
Happy Independence Day! The trip just began and tonight’s the last night! I will pitch it to make it really great!
Arrived in Stratford too late to get the mail. Drat. Cruised around town, listened to some bagpipers, then pitched tent on the edge of town.
Dinner was delicious: tuna fish salad (in honor of the Catholics) and doughnut balls (Bisquick blobs in boiling Crisco) for dessert: delicious! After that, we were all getting ready for the play Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme which I had seen twice and loved in the original French. In English I should understand so much more. Wearing my figure-flattering sailor suit and white wood heeled sandals.
Unfortunately my hair is dead after all this camping. It isn’t doing anything. Stratford is a lovely town and the theatre a splendid combination of old and new. Front balcony seats! The play was very good. At intermission Debbie came over and said two of the ushers were asking about me! I gave my address to the handsome one Dell Rynehardt. They walked us back to the bus Dell holding my hand. I would have let him kiss me but he didn’t try.
We performed our song, the Trailblazer Anthem and Stu talked about how much the trip meant to him until the tears were hot in my head! I apologized for not doing more for the group and he was very understanding. Afterwards Andrea, Vicky and I slept in the same sleeping bag!!! Later –
Saw the Falls! They were so beautiful but I did think they’d be taller. Too bad we won’t be seeing them by night – must be even more breathtaking than by day. Beginning to think tenderly of home, especially the sunlight striking that gray rug in the hallway. SusiAnna (he’s a boy) always hogs the brightest sunlight on the dining room floor. Plants everywhere, green and rich, the wood carved king with his tired kind face. Maybe there will be a letter from Mark!
Last but not least my room with its green walls and twin pink-covered beds. Furry white flokati rug. Ending this on a happy note. Isn’t that the way all good things should end?
TRAILBLAZER ANTHEM Oh we set out from Toledo on a bright and sunny day And our parents were there to wave us on our way! Gettysburg was our first stop where we made a movie flop As we rolled along the bumpy Eastern Roads! Bruises and hives, seven campers lost their lives as we rolled along the bumpy Eastern Roads! CHORUS: We’re still moving thank God, still moving Hallelujah! And the bus hasn’t conked out on us yet! Valley Forge was just a hop where We were picked up by the cops And the New York Fair made us spend our money there! Hanover we found was a Dartmouth kind of town As we rolled along the bumpy Eastern Roads! Peanut butter, jam, bug repelling spam oh we rolled along the bumpy Eastern roads! We flew to old Percé which is on the great Gaspé Where we realized French boys just love to fraternize “Bonjour, good day, ou est le cabinet?” As we rolled along the bumpy Eastern roads! Garçons of all kinds, Stu & Shavonne lost their minds As we rolled along the bumpy Eastern roads! We went out to the Boardwalk to see what we could find And each girl there had sailors on her mind The last two of our hauls were Stratford and the Falls as we rolled along the bumpy Eastern Roads! Rollers and combs, without money from our homes As we rolled along the bumpy Eastern roads! Oh, our sleeping bags were nests for nasty insect pests And the mess on our bus was very picturesque Though the trailer broke down once We’ll remember this for months As we rolled along the bumpy roads toward home! Impetigo and fleas, we had Band-Aids on our knees As we rolled along the bumpy roads toward home!
Mon July 6 – 64 Dear Diary, I‘m sure you’re tired of my lovelife, but I’m not. The Trailblazer bus roared into Brockton at 5:30 PM on a hot Sunday afternoon. Passed familiar figures – Haze & Bookie!!! I cried but he didn’t see me. Forgot about Tom & Dell, it’s all Bookie Bookie Bookie! Forced to go to the Pendragon house because my parents are out of town so I called Bookie from there. Bookie rushed over and kissed me. He doesn’t like taking off his mirrored shades but he will remove them for me. Julie & I agreed to meet Bookie & phil at the college snack bar. I care so deeply for him!
Talent Show – Emily’s Poem: Stage apron – (Oscar slumped in a wheelchair wearing stained sweats. Darla feeding him from a baby food jar – Emily dressed in camouflage holding rigid military pose – arms locked behind her – Rocky on drums, Victor on tambourine – all in pseudo-military gear)
Darla Come on, baby Open up! Here comes the Carrot airplane! Who likes carrots? You like carrots!
(Wipes his chin)
Cause carrots make you Strong! Carrots Make you smart! Carrots Make a guy See in the dark, Open up, Big Boy! I’m Comin’ in!
Emily Once I was young Now I’m old I thought I could do anything Except what I was told I didn’t listen I went my way Kids are stupid Children are cruel We don’t learn What we need to know in school. Why is sex? What is love? Why knock me over When I give you a hug?
Everyone warned me – they Said: Hang back And pray! Pray things will get better Don’t volunteer. Don’t be a Bleeding heart, Chill out, have a beer! Don’t be a know-it-all Try not to fear. Wait for an invite. Wait for a year.
I didn’t listen Cause I thought I knew more Something I wanted Was out past the bores Something was calling me Needing Commanding Summoning me.
(Darla wipes Oscar’s chin and positions the wheelchair so Oscar can see Emily better.)
Now I’ve seen reality And I’m here to tell you That thing I was wanting Was ME All along. I was my friend and I was my lover I was my sister and I was My brother. No one SEEMS caring But if ONE person cared Things gotta get better Till no one is scared. I’ve got the power and now So have you.
(Thumping her heart with a fist)
Now I’m different, now I am changed. Now I’m in motion; Now I’ve got game. Each one evolving In our different ways Here’s hoping – I’m hoping – For YOUR better day.
(Emily bows low. Darla applauds, makes Oscar’s hands applaud. He looks confused but excited)
Darla That was beautiful! Wasn’t that Beautiful, Oscar?
(She tries to wipe his face)
Oscar, are you Crying? Is that a tear? Oh no, I guess That tear’s always there.
(Rocky & Victor come bow with the two girls. Oscar still applauding. THE END.)
Football Field bleachers. (Victor doing what looks like an Indian rain dance – he is beside himself with glee. Enter Emily)
Emily What are you so happy about?
Victor I’m the man! I’m the king!
(Emily stares at him sardonically, arms akimbo)
Emily So, spill – Found somebody’s Credit card under the bleachers?
Victor NO. I’m an Unstoppable Force – I’m a MOVER. I’m the One! Others are just talk – I make things happen! I stir the pot, the pot Bubbles. Stick with me sweetlips And you’ll see the world.
Emily
(Accusingly)
What did you do now?
Victor I showed Oscar His honey’s a whore!
(Wild victory dance)
Emily Darla? You mean her pictures? Her pictures were Wonderful! That girl’s a Goddess. I don’t get you guys! Always demanding We get sexual then Using that to disgrace us!
Victor Don’t act innocent around me, Honey. I know what you did. And Oscar BOUGHT IT!! Guy went Crazy!
(Wild boogie break dancing)
Emily Why you gotta Hate, Victor? Why ruin everyone And everything? That poor fool! If he didn’t want nudies He’s the first guy I’ve heard of. How come he Believed you over Darla? Darla LOVES him. No one’s that stupid.
Victor
(Playing with her hair)
Don’t you pay attention In history class? The bigger the lie The more people believe it. ‘Cause It’s about NIGHTMARES, Baby, we’re controlled by our Nightmares! Everyone’s got ‘em. Play into the NIGHTMARES And people believe.
(he makes his abracadabra gestures in front of her face – she pushes his hands away)
Emily But I thought he loved her! Doesn’t that idiot know How lucky he is?
Victor Love! What’s that even mean?
Emily But why’d he Believe YOU. You’re not his friend.
(Victor shakes the phone at her)
Victor Good one, Emily! You’ve been SUCH a good girl.A guy’s girl – FOR ONCE.
Emily I sent it only to You and to Oscar!
Victor Don’t you know brothers share? It’s a sharing economy: Bros hang together.
Emily It’s a BEGGAR economy A world of extortion and Protection where Everyone owes you.
Victor
(money hand gesture)
Gotta give some to get some.
Emily You men are HOPELESS. None of you deserves To get fucked EVER Again!
Victor Oh, somebody’s Getting’ fucked here and It ain’t gonna be me!
Emily It certainly won’t! And what is THAT all about? Why is the worst Thing you can insult somebody with is “SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!”? Why make it so bad? You’re always telling us to GROW UP Face desire Then we do and it turns out Our partners are BABIES! Baby extortionists!
Victor Oh get over yourself.
(Sniggering)
Let passion rule Idiots – while the Movers & Shakers sit pretty! We’re having Too much fun.
Emily I can’t figure out Why we play with You toddlers.
Victor Hormones, I’m guessin’. We’re the only game in town.
(Emily pulls out her own phone, clicks, smiles ruefully, shakes her head)
Emily Look at her there – She’s so sweet Such an angel. She’s Manet’s Olympia Goya’s Naked Maja – Look at her – She’s so happy. She’s so trustful in love Thinking Life’s About to begin. Don’t you know Beauty when you see it? Lift your head Out of the gutter! But you snoozed during art class You don’t want to wake up.
Victor Art class is for PUSSIES!
(spits)
Here’s REAL art for you!
(Showing her his film)
Emily Oh Victor YOU DIDN’T.
Victor Oscar made Darla bleed. Oscar made her come! She’s no goddess after all. Did she tell you What his cock’s like? Spics are hung like donkeys – They gotta be – Squirtin’ over the fence Spreadin’ their seed!
Emily You’re disgusting!
Victor
(Very calm and in charge)
I’m SUCCESSFUL. I’m EFFECTIVE. Oscar fights with Darla Coach sees our movie Coach says BYE BYE We own the school.
Emily You said you wouldn’t Hurt people!
Victor Haven’t YOU Done things you said You’d never do?
Emily Why’s Oscar blame Darla?
Victor “Cause he sees she’s a whore. Like every other slutty Fallen girl.
Emily Like ME you mean? Is that what you mean?
Victor Men rule Girls drool Who’s the fool?
Emily
(She turns away from him)
You’ve got a point there. You showed Oscar your movie?
Victor
(Gleeful excitement)
Oscar went ripshit! He Threatened to KILL her!
Emily Over some PICTURES?
Victor
(Acts all innocent, toeing the dust)
I did mention he might be wrong About her virginity.
Emily Victor! You are a Rabblerouser! Darla Was incontestably One hundred percent virgin! You know it and I know it!
Victor
(slyly)
Well, she ain’t no more. So Nobody proves nothin’. Girls go under the knife Get changed all the time.
(She pushes him away from her in disgust)
Emily And it doesn’t even matter! It’s all stupid anyway!
Victor It DOES matter! No man wants to Honor a SLUT.
Emily You guys are the sluts! Why demand trust when We can’t ever trust you? Don’t you get it? GAME OVER, I’m telling you. Game over!
Victor
(Very superior)
Men CAN’T be sluts Sweetheart. It’s not in the rulebook. Everyone knows. You just Ask around.
Emily You are PITIFUL. I am so done with this place. You think Oscar might Hurt Darla?
Victor
(Excited)
Oh, Oscar went off. He was Waving a KNIFE.
(Making crazy face then seeing her expression, excuses)
Hey, it’s not MY fault.
Emily It totally is!
Victor It’s not my fault In any court of law! Now WHO’S the one snoozing Through civics and Dare. I didn’t say Kill the bitch! That’s all HIS idea. My conscience is CLEAR. And by the way, sister You’re in this To your eyebrows.
Boys’ Locker Room. (Pinups, graffiti and team fight posters. Oscar suiting up in full quarterback regalia while Victor emerges from behind the open locker door to watch enviously)
Victor So – How’s it hangin’?
Oscar
(With relish)
I’m a man, bro! Thought I was a grown but I was only a baby; I knew nothing. Real manhood Comes in the arms of The most beautiful woman on earth.
Victor Right you are! That’s One hot chick.
(He makes certain Oscar can see the pic displayed. Oscar bites.)
Oscar What’s that, my bro? Where’d you get that?
Victor
(Very cool)
Everyone’s got it. Clint’s got it Rocky’s got it and Cody sent it – all From Darla’s phone.
Oscar
(Building rage)
Darla sent? That’s not Possible!
Victor Sure! Sent by Darla – with Some hot message – I forget what Why not ask him? Question Everyone.
Oscar No! I don’t believe it!
Victor Hey – should a chick who looks like this Keep it to herself? She belongs to the world – Once those pics escape – They’re everyone’s treasure. Stokin’ strokes The universe around. I say Long live the hotties That keeps us a-boilin’!
Oscar
(Strikes the phone from Victor’s hand)
Callin’ Darla A whore man? Is that what this is? Well? Are you?
(He’s scary but Victor calmly rescues his phone)
Victor Oscar, you and I know There’s two kindsa women. It’s not rocket science Telling them apart.
Oscar
(Still very distraught – looks away)
Darla was a virgin.
(Victor laughs – pretends to stifle)
Victor Did she say that?
(Sniggers – what a hoot)
Victor Can’t blame her my man – That’s what they all say – Trying to cuff you.
Oscar
(Struggling with his dignity)
She was a virgin I can promise you. She bled – there was Pain.
Victor
(Dismissive)
God bless modern science! They have cute little ways. It’s only fun playing the game if Everybody knows The score. Too late, now, huh? Right? She safe NOW – can’t nobody Prove her wrong.
(Touches his head)
But players in the know – We know. And we’re the ones who Never get played.
Oscar You’ll never feel What we shared.
(Struggling with emotion looks like he might cry)
Victor
(Grabbing him)
There’s ways to get wise, bro. Was she all over you? Did she know What to do? How’s a truly innocent girl Learn that dirty stuff?
Oscar She wanted to Please me. We were Sharing our souls!
Victor Yeah she did!
(Looking at his phone)
This don’t look like Soul-sharing to me! Looks like Ball dandling and Booby sucking! Thot tricks! Someone’s got A new booby tonight!
Oscar Does EVERYONE have this?
Victor It’s too good to keep private. Community property Keeps everyone fed.
(Oscar collapses on the bench, head in hands)
Oscar We wanted All of each other – I thought – We fit together so right!
Victor
(Very paternal – hand on Oscar’s shoulder)
Did she come, man? That’s the key- Virgins CAN’T come The first time It’s technically Impossible!
Oscar
(Reeling from the pain)
I wanted to share The bliss that she gave me.
(Breaks down sobbing – Victor is thrilled with power)
Victor You been cuck’d, man!
(Fake commiseration)
My poor, hurting brother. You trade yourself so Cheap. Real men Keep eyes open. Once You let her rule – Sacrifice manhood to pleasure You’ve lost all control. You’re cuck’d.
Oscar Cuck’d!
(This is worse than he’d figured)
Victor Hear the bros laughing? You sucked on her Titties like some monster big baby You went down Till lockjaw set in Tossed her salad Licked her taint For the world’ entertainment.
Oscar
(Rises up raging like a crazy gorilla – throws Victor off – banging between the metal lockers – making animal noises – like he’ll pull the place down)
Argh!!! Argh argh argh!!!!
Victor
(Thrilled – afraid and amused – he wants on this wild ride)
Whoa, Nellie! Hang on to Your reason, Get a grip on Your manhood! Exercise CONTROL my brutha.
Oscar
(shaking him like a rat)
I’m cuck’d My manhood’s GONE! Cuck’d! I gave it away!
Victor
(Teeth chattering, he tries to calm his beast)
Seek revenge, Brutha! Stand up for who you are! No man’s cuck’d Without his Permission.
Oscar What’s left for me In this world? I’m a dead man!
Victor
(abracadabra hands)
Throw it back in her face! Tell her She “fell” for your Quarterback strategy – Tell her YOU made that Movie – YOU were the one Determined to score. Turn the tables! Who is king? Be Your father and his father Your grandfather before you! You know what they stood for. Women are like ponies Made to be broken.
Oscar
(Drops Victor, collapses, clutching his heart)
Too late. It’s all gone. She took my manhood. I got no honor left.
Victor
(Impatient)
Rise up my brother Throw off this oppression Tell her she’s DONE. Stand tall! Take your life back. Be a man! Your brothers WANT to look up to you.
Oscar
(Rising slowly)
Take my life back. A life for a life.
Victor
(Dancing a little jig – he has no idea where this is going but he’s happy to go along)
Counting coup, brother! Take a scalp! Take A trophy!
Oscar She needs to PAY!
Victor
(Crowing)
She’s gotta be SCHOOLED – schooled by
(Trying to high – five an unseeing Oscar)
The Master!
Oscar She must KNEEL
Victor
(Dancing)
She’s gotta KNEEL!
Oscar Time for her to PRAY
Victor
(Boo-ga-loo)
She’s gotta PRAY!
Oscar
(Pulling open switchblade)
Then she DIES
(thrusting, stabbing moves)
Victor
(Incredulous – frozen – hides a giggle)
She DIES?
Oscar A man fights! Men seek revenge! Women must pay!
Victor
(Rapid recovery – loving what he’s hearing)
Time to Get your manhood back! ‘Cause otherwise you’re
(They say it together, staring out at the audience)
at the Football Field– Victor’s Rap. (Prom music playing while Oscar and Darla, under confetti-filled pink light and dressed in prom finery, sway close together gazing into each other’s eyes. Victor appears at the top of graffiti-covered scoreboard, rhythmically pounding his chest & rapping to the music)
Victor Life is HARSH Life is CRUEL Look for justice and You’re a FOOL Man’s got BLOOD Man’s got SWEAT Without stone courage Ain’t nothing to GET Gotta have WILES Gotta be CLEVER Gotta think faster Gotta plan BETTER Keep yo PITY Freeze yo TEARS Kids comin’ up today Deserve yo JEERS. They ain’t SMART They got NOTHIN’ Tryin’ to take you They’ll try ANYTHING Winners don’t SLEEP Losers don’t EAT The king can’t trust The hos at his FEET Can’t trust his MEN Can’t trust his “FRIENDS” King’s got steel Instead of “AMENS” King’s got GUNS King’s got PILLS Only the King KNOWS WHAT THE GAME IS We’re the knowers We’re the deciders Who’s the RIDER and Who the RIDE IS: Last minute trap Last minute DEAD ‘Cause the King’s got eyes In the back of his HEAD. “Pleasure doing business” Says the little lamb Just before King Hits the Grand slam: Boom! They drop DOWN Boom! They go FALL Never knowed nothing Hit them at all.
(Lights out on Victor, satisfied, arms crossed.)
Scene 3: (Darla & Oscar, on the Football Field in their prom clothes, dance alone in a spotlight; eyes only on each other. The couple spins, dips, his hands all over her)
Oscar Oooooo… That was some pic Some beauty You made just for me.
Darla Only for you. I never shaved before ‘cause I never wanted to – Much less take nudies. But for you I’m your Anything.
Oscar Anything?
Darla Anything.
(He holds her closer)
Oscar You’re only for me, darlin’ I’m only for you.
(Long lingering kiss)
You’re so hot. Why you so hot? Are you hot for me?
Darla I never knew What “hot” was Till I saw you And then I Burned. O, Baby how I burned!
(She writhes in his arms)
I wanted all of you! I’m so hot right now!
Oscar I did that?
Darla You did that.
Oscar Well now we’re alone.
Darla Finally! I never thought We’d get out of there.
Oscar Just you. Just me.
Darla Nothing we can’t do!
Oscar Nothing we can’t take!
Darla Nobody else around.
Oscar Nothing we can’t have! Just me. Just You. And what I want To do to you.
Darla Teach me. Take me. School me. Break me. I want you to be my Everything.
Oscar You know what that means. Once a man starts – You know he can’t stop.
Darla I don’t want you to stop.
(In the faint light, Victor appears at the bottom of the score sign, arms crossed, watching. Darla pulls away and begins a slow strip tease, Victor clicking photos on his phone)
Darla I want to be naked Naked for you.
Oscar Holy Mother you Are so beautiful!
(Oscar struggles with his clothes, they fall down wrestling together – clothes off. Lights fade.)
Alysse Aallyn 