Alysse Aallyn

Tag: Writing Community

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Scene 11 – the last scene
    (The deep, deep forest. The trees seem extra magical and alive, leaves blinking with a million glittering eyes.)


    PERSEY
    Have the woods always been this magical?
    Or is it only now that my eyes are opened?


    BISH’s voice
    Persey…Persey.


    (He sounds different…unearthly. DIGGER manifests craven fear)


    PERSEY
    Oh, Bish! Where are you?


    (BISH appears, his white clothing glowing – arms held out)


    BISH
    Don’t touch me. I’m still on fire.


    PERSEY
    (Staggers back, DIGGER hiding behind her)
    What is it. Bish? Why can’t I hug you?
    Are you radioactive?


    BISH
    In a way. I am dead.


    PERSEY
    (Crying)
    Oh, Bish, please don’t tease me,
    I’ve been through hell.


    (She charges him, he eludes her easily)


    BISH
    So have we all.


    (PERSEY falls to her knees)


    PERSEY
    Oh, Bish! What’s going on?
    What has happened?


    (Slowly the WOLF SPIRITS, DEADGIRLS, BOYGIRLS come out of the trees, glowing with beauty. They crown BISH with a wolf’s head and bow to him. Solemn dance around the pair; DIGGER, transported, joins in.)


    BISH
    I didn’t understand.
    I offered love, but he needed death.
    That’s not a game I ever played.
    When he told me to kill myself I thought
    He was joking. But then –


    PERSEY
    They revel in sacrifice.
    They always planned
    To pin blame on you.
    It’s a death cult, Bish.
    Their murder is everywhere.

    BISH
    That’s all behind me.
    I’m a Wolf Spirit now.
    (He howls, then raises PERSEY to her feet)


    BISH
    And so are you, I can see.
    (She looks down amazed at her own transformation)


    PERSEY
    But I’m still alive, Bish. And you feel so cold.


    BISH
    It’s your choice, Persey.
    You can come or you can stay.
    If we touch, we can dance!
    (He starts to dance – he is elegant – she is awkward.)


    PERSEY
    Oh, Bish, don’t ever let go!


    BISH
    But I must, Persey.
    I’m past sorrow but you’re still unfinished.
    Stay. Stay and be wolved.


    PERSEY
    I don’t know what to do. All I know is
    I’ll never let the monsters win.

    (BISH dances with the WOLF SPIRITS. ROY’s and JAROD’s voices offstage calling,)


    ROY & JAROD
    PERSEY! PERSEY!
    WHERE ARE YOU?


    (The WOLF SPIRITS & BISH melt into the trees, the trees go dead. Enter ROY carrying a shotgun. DIGGER cowers behind PERSEY)


    ROY
    Sweetmeat! Finally!


    (Shouts behind him)


    I found her!


    (ROY makes a move to embrace her – she eludes him as BISH eluded her.)


    ROY
    Sweetmeat, what’s wrong?
    You should never leave home.
    The world’s not a safe place.


    (PERSEY holds up her arms to block him. He appreciates her difference.)


    What’s wrong with you?
    Don’t say you’ve gone native.


    PERSEY
    Don’t you remember?


    ROY
    Sweetmeat, everyone gets drunk.
    Jarod and I are so close
    We’re practically brothers.
    You know we share everything.
    Closer than any man can be
    To a woman. But
    There’s a part for you to play, a whole
    Future ahead. Don’t you get it?


    PERSEY
    I do get it.
    Your mom told me everything – that
    You’ve always been Bruce.


    ROY
    That bitch!


    PERSEY
    Did you murder Stormee?
    Is that what you “shared”?
    (JAROD appears behind ROY, also carrying a shotgun.)


    JAROD
    We’re hunters, darlin’.
    That’s what we do. Rid the world of its
    Vermin. Bitches know their places.
    Bros before hos.


    ROY
    (Upset over PERSEY’s disclosure)
    Babe’s a liar, that woman!
    You can’t believe her! I oughta –


    (WOLVES appear, howl wildly and advance menacingly. DIGGER joins in. JAROD & ROY jump.)


    PERSEY
    It’s over, Roy. Don’t you see?
    The universe is against you.
    Truth is the one thing
    You’ll never destroy.
    Truth goes underground.
    Where the roots of the forest
    Nourish the faithful and
    Keep growing stronger.


    ROY
    Nobody’s faithful.
    I see females and she-males
    Who can’t keep their mouths shut.


    JAROD
    Open mouths only say yes.


    PERSEY
    You’re lost, boys
    This time you’ve ventured
    Too deep in the woods.
    This is OUR turf now!
    Cookie Louise, Monica and Jean,
    Jo Lee, Mina, “DaToy”, Jane and John Doe
    I summon you!


    ROY
    What’s that? Who’s that
    Ya callin’?


    PERSEY
    Did you think you destroyed them?
    You only transformed them.


    (The TREES awaken. WOLFSPIRITS, DEADGIRLS & BOYGIRLS appear and advance menacingly.)


    DEADGIRLS & BOYGIRLS
    The chrysalis is broken! We will
    Always remember.


    TREE SPIRITS & WOLF SPIRITS
    Who shattered the chrysalis?


    ROY
    (To PERSEY)
    I’ll deal with you later.
    Let’s slaughter this pack!

    JAROD
    Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!


    (A Murder Ballet, in which TREE SPIRITS, DEADGIRLS & BOYGIRLS, WOLF SPIRITS, BISH, PERSEY, JAROD, ROY and DIGGER rush teasingly in and out, nipping, spinning. Ineffectual shots from the frustrated hunters.)


    DEADGIRLS & BOYGIRLS
    When you murdered us, you killed your own selves.


    TREE SPIRITS & WOLF SPIRITS
    We all are one! We remember!


    (ROY & JAROD form a circular firing squad and shoot each other – registering shock & dismay at the bloodied moment of collapse. PERSEY sits vigil over the bodies while the WOLF SPIRITS, TREE SPIRITS, DEADGIRLS & BOYGIRLS take a gentle, longing, loving leave.)


    PERSEY
    So much waste.
    So much lost.
    Goodbye, Roy. Goodbye Bruce.


    BISH
    I wish you’d come with us.
    Where glorious sunset meets
    Unending dawn,
    We run forever.
    When the chrysalis shatters
    The earth remembers and
    New creatures are born.

    PERSEY
    I love life, Bish.
    I’m not ready.
    There’s so much unfinished and
    I’ve got things to do. But
    Grant me one wish.


    BISH
    (Disappearing into the trees)
    I know what you’re asking
    If you saw what I see
    You’d live every second
    Without fear.


    PERSEY
    (His echo fades. She holds out her arms to his dissolving spirit)
    Wolve me! Wolve me!
    I want to live!


    (DIGGER whines, very unwilling to let the WOLVES go.)


    PERSEY
    You can join them, Digger.
    You have been wolved.
    You’ll always be free.


    (DIGGER rushes back to her. She pets him.)


    And I love you too.

    (Flashing police lights. NED appears at the edge of the stage in his police uniform, speaking into a hand-held radio.)


    NED
    Two males, unresponsive
    Shotgun wounds fatal
    Face and chest discharge –
    Maximum injury, all
    Self-inflicted;
    Backup, backup
    GPS coordinates –


    (His voice overwhelmed by static. Lights out.)


    END

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    (Scene 10 – The Deep Woods. DIGGER dragging, carrying, lifting PERSEY’s unconscious body into the trees. He stands guard, howling dramatically. The WOLF SPIRITS appear, nose her, cherish her, lift her, clean her with leaves. They dress her in a wolf skin, prop her up, and dance with her. She slowly comes to life, dancing like a Maenad with leaves in her hair. The WOLF SPIRITS pull back and PERSEY’s house opens up stage left where BABE stands waiting to greet DIGGER & PERSEY)


    BABE
    Persey! What happened to you?
    (Looking disapprovingly at the litter of champagne bottles)
    This place is a mess!


    PERSEY
    Jarod happened to me. I’m changed forever.


    (Throws herself into a chair. DIGGER, thorns & thistles in his fur, settles down protectively beside her to clean his fur.)


    BABE
    (Kicking an empty champagne bottle)
    You’re too old for wild parties.
    Time to act like the mother
    Of my future grandkids!


    PERSEY
    I am nobody’s mother and
    I never will be, Babe. It’s over.
    Everything’s broken.
    Broken and lost.

    BABE
    (Shrieking)
    Here’s the thanks I get for
    Giving you everything!
    I’m a sick woman!
    And you’re the one killing me!


    (DIGGER leaps to his feet and bares his teeth. BABE halts her attack
    before physical violence)


    PERSEY
    Roy murdered Bruce, Babe,
    He told me himself!
    Roy loves Jarod more than he’ll ever love me.
    I think he wishes he WAS Jarod
    Who’s probably a wife-killer.
    THAT’S your real family!


    BABE
    (Forcing calm, sits down beside her)
    Oh, I see what went wrong.
    Persey, you must understand;
    Roy talks crazy sometimes
    But he never means it.
    It’s fun scaring girls.
    This is really YOUR fault.
    Admit, you love provoking him
    With dubious friendships.


    PERSEY
    Why does the world need a scapegoat?
    None of this is my friend’s doing!


    BABE
    Persey, set your heart
    At rest. I’ll prove to you
    Roy didn’t kill Bruce!


    PERSEY
    How can you POSSIBLY do that?


    BABE
    Because Roy IS Bruce.


    (The WOLF SPIRITS howl. Portrait lights up. DIGGER sits up at attention.)


    Everyone knows it but you!
    Don’t tell me YOU never figured it out!


    PERSEY
    Now YOU’RE talking crazy, Babe!
    Bruce went to jail! A felon and rapist
    A cowardly bully.


    BABE
    It’s YOUR fault I’m telling you.
    You chose college over Roy,
    You broke my poor boy’s heart.
    He was so angry at women
    At men who pretend
    He became dangerous.
    I lived in fear daily
    All because of you!


    PERSEY
    I just don’t get it, Babe.
    What are you telling me?
    I know Bruce was born.
    You had twins – did you or didn’t you?


    BABE
    I gave birth to twin boys
    While a child myself
    In a foreign country, don’t forget,
    With a shaky young marriage.
    I had no help at all.
    I tried so hard but
    I had no milk for twins.
    Roy was the weakest who
    Needed me most.
    Bruce seemed strong but died anyway –
    Roy’s father was furious! Our marriage
    Dead at that moment.
    There were two separate trust funds, Persey!
    The old ones didn’t need it.
    Wasting money is wrong!


    PERSEY
    Let me get this straight.
    You PRETENDED Bruce was alive?


    BABE
    It was a game at first, understand;
    A rainy-day joke!
    A beleaguered mother’s brave effort
    To turn frowns upside down.
    Without Roy’s father we needed the money!
    When Roy was bad, he was Bruce.
    When he behaved, he was Roy.
    But when he grew up he became
    Bruce all the time –
    Doing terrible things.
    It wasn’t my fault! I
    Couldn’t manage him and his Dad was ghosting us!


    (She spits into a lace-trimmed handkerchief.)


    Weak men run away!
    Don’t you see that, poor Persey?
    At least Roy is still here! We’re
    Lucky to have him!

    (PERSEY covers her face. So BABE argues with the audience.)


    BABE
    After my husband died, I saw so much
    Possibility. Second chances! We could
    Get rid of Bruce for once and for all.
    A beautiful ceremony – burying
    The things Bruce had broken.
    The costliest grave site
    With doves and balloons.
    Roy swore it was over.
    He promised GOD. When he forgets
    We go there to remind him.


    PERSEY
    (Struggling to keep up)
    You’re saying Roy is the one…


    BABE
    (Ignoring interruptions)
    I admit I made errors. These were
    Battlefield choices.
    When you’re a mother, Persey,
    You’ll understand.
    There’s SO MUCH regret. But
    How is Roy’s acting out my fault?
    YOU had abandoned him
    Saying you wanted OTHERS!
    Take responsibility, Persey!
    I’ve owned up to my part.
    Roy gave himself to you.
    He’s a one-woman man.
    You toyed with his heart,
    Chose COLLEGE over love!
    Of course he was angry.
    Of course he went crazy
    Bruce came back with a vengeance!
    You didn’t help MY life,
    I’ll tell you that.
    He offered you everything!


    PERSEY
    Roy attacked and raped people?
    It was Roy who went to jail?


    BABE
    When Roy went to prison it was a miracle
    I was so grateful we had
    A spare name to give him!
    Clever planning and foresight is what
    Breeds second chances.
    Young men founder with blotted
    Escutcheons! Jarod was SUCH
    A good friend; claiming Roy had been
    In his unit. When Roy was released
    Bruce could just vanish. But when Roy’s
    Unpredictable I MUST be
    Trustee. Increasing our holdings
    Made my son hate me more!
    We need to start over, Persey!
    This time you must help.


    PERSEY
    (Slow, incredulous)
    Your son is a killer!
    I’ll have nothing to do with it!


    BABE
    He only kills teases!
    Vermin and tramps!
    I thought I’d explained.
    You weren’t getting pregnant! You
    Forced Roy into testing,
    Questioned his virility! What man
    Accepts THAT? Now, this misery’s
    Behind us, if Brucie stays DEAD.
    Don’t rile Roy up!
    There’s the future to think about.


    PERSEY
    (Launching to her feet)
    Why can’t you face truth?
    Your son is a murderer
    And Jarod is helping him!
    Roy murdered Jarod’s wife
    In some sort of pay off!’


    BABE
    (Slaps PERSEY’s face hard.)
    Keep your voice down in my house!
    Don’t say this around Roy!
    Jarod’s keeping him safe!
    He’s the only man Roy can
    Look up to, or even respect.
    Boys need role models, don’t you see?
    To learn how to play! Jarod’s my hero.


    PERSEY
    Your family is poisoned, Babe.
    Your “truth” is a lie.


    (ROY’s voice offstage)


    ROY
    We got him, Darlin’!
    We captured the guy!


    BABE
    (Grabbing PERSEY’s arm)
    Don’t tell him you know!
    Roy will kill me, Persey
    I’m a sick woman!


    PERSEY
    Babe, please understand.
    Only truth lets us breathe.


    BABE
    (Pointing to the door)
    Get out! Get out of my house!


    (PERSEY and DIGGER exit)

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    (Scene 9. Lights up on PERSEY House set where ROY & JAROD wrestle by firelight while the hot tub smokes suggestively and the eyes in the portrait track their movements. NED & PERSEY at the door. WOLF SPIRITS gather around and on top of the house, eyes blinking on & off. NED beckons JAROD aside, puts an arm around him – they exit together)


    (PERSEY throws herself into ROY’s arms – he seems unresponsive)


    ROY
    (Holding PERSEY at arm’s length)
    What did you do?


    PERSEY
    (Still trying to connect with him)
    Oh, Roy, it was awful!
    Poor Stormee is dead!


    ROY
    She was disloyal.
    Didn’t she deserve it?


    PERSEY
    What do you mean?
    Jarod controlled her every move.


    ROY
    Naw. I’m hearing she strayed.
    Seems there’s lots of that
    Going around.


    (ROY pushes her away – DIGGER growls and poises for attack. ROY kicks at him. PERSEY orders him out of the house – DIGGER slinks away – to gather with the WOLF SPIRITS protecting the house. PERSEY thinks ROY just doesn’t understand.)


    PERSEY
    I found her dead, Roy.
    Stormee’s been murdered.


    ROY
    That’s not all you found, is it?
    Better stop lying!


    PERSEY
    (Very offended)
    I’m not lying!


    ROY
    Oh yeah? Weren’t you making kissy face
    With that snooping cop who’s harassing my mother?


    PERSEY
    What are you talking about?
    I’m making “kissy face”
    With nobody but you!


    ROY
    And then there’s that she-male
    You pal around with!
    What’s that about?
    Don’t my wishes mean anything?
    Those creatures spread sickness.


    PERSEY
    Bish is my friend!
    YOU’RE covered with
    “Wrestling burns”, thanks to Jarod!
    What’s THAT about?
    I found Stormee the way you two wanted –
    And now I’ll have nightmares
    Forever and ever.


    (Dispiritedly she undresses and climbs into hot tub)


    ROY
    Welcome to reality, princess.
    I know you’re still hiding something!
    That cop’s got your number!


    (WOLF SPIRITS & DIGGER howl without restraint – ROY snatches a shotgun out of the umbrella stand)


    PERSEY
    Roy, for God’s sake!
    Who’s hiding from whom?
    That cop asked ME to find out
    If Bruce is really dead!


    (Eyes move as portrait lights dramatically)


    ROY
    Bruce? Of course Bruce is dead!
    I killed him myself!
    In a battle to the death
    There’s only one winner.


    PERSEY
    You did not! You couldn’t have!


    ROY
    That’s all the credit you give me!
    No wonder my buddies are thinking
    I’m de-balled, like your mutt!
    Nobody tames ME, Sweetmeat.
    And you know what else I’m gonna do?
    I’m going to shoot me a canine!


    PERSEY
    DON’T YOU DARE!


    (Marches to the door where he almost runs into JAROD who is wheeling a case of champagne on a dolly)


    JAROD
    Whoa, buddy!
    Where are you headed?


    (Wrestles shotgun away, dumps it)
    This party just started!


    ROY
    Aren’t I your alibi?

    JAROD
    Hell no! DNA!
    They got a condom
    Overflowing with man juice!


    ROY
    Where’d they get that, I wonder?


    JAROD
    You ought to know!
    Don’t you trust me, ol’ buddy? Everything’s
    Fixed. They got a culprit!
    We’re partyin’ here.


    ROY
    Hear that, Persey?
    They caught the guy that did Stormee!


    JAROD
    First, capture the love juice, then
    String the guy up.


    (WOLF SPIRITS & DIGGER howl)


    Man, you’ve got a wolf problem.


    ROY
    I know! Let’s go hunting!


    JAROD
    You kidding me?

    ROY
    Party first, fireworks after!


    (He shakes up a bottle of champagne and shoots it at ROY. ROY, dripping, grabs a bottle to shoot at JAROD. Merriment – not shared by PERSEY)


    PERSEY
    I take it we’re celebrating
    Your instant divorce?


    JAROD
    (Kneeling by the hot tub)
    Birthday champagne for you,
    Persey. Primo stuff. Some people die
    Some people get born.
    The party goes on.
    Word on the street is
    You like champagne.


    PERSEY
    You know nothing about
    What I love and hate.


    ROY
    This Champagne’s Persey’s favorite.
    She uses a glass, though.


    (He exits. JAROD leans over, looking suggestively into the water)


    JAROD
    Looking for company?


    PERSEY
    (Flicking water on him)
    No. Go away.


    (JAROD strips down, slides in, clutching his champagne bottle.)


    JAROD
    Can’t dampen the drowned, darlin’.
    I’m ALWAYS all in.


    (He starts climbing in – PERSEY turns her back on him, tries to climb out – he stops her)


    Have a heart, Persey. You’re being mean
    To a heartbroken widower.


    PERSEY
    You better get your hands off me
    Before Roy sees you.


    JAROD
    Sweet cheeks
    This was ALL his idea.


    (ROY appears with champagne glass and kneels on PERSEY’s other side)


    ROY
    Here you go, cupcake’.
    Fertility meds served up in Baccarat
    Just how you like ‘em.

    (He holds her jaw, pours champagne in her mouth. PERSEY tries to get out, they both hold her down.)


    Not so fast, hon.
    It’s past time to make babies.


    (PERSEY begins to thrash wildly)


    JAROD
    Don’t waste energy, Persey.
    Two against one.


    ROY
    Yeah. Hunters in tandem
    Bring down any game.


    (They swarm over her. Lights out.)

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Act 3 Scene 8
    (The forest outside JAROD’s house. PERSEY is dragging DIGGER along by his collar.)


    PERSEY


    DIGGER! I need you!
    What the heck is your problem?


    (DIGGER is doing everything he can to stall and resist. TREES surge, rustle, threaten. WOLVES howl.)


    Are you scared of coyotes?
    I thought they were your friends.


    (DIGGER covers his ears with his paws and cowers.)
    I’m ashamed of you.
    Such a scaredy cat!


    (Bossy mother)


    They’re more afraid of you
    Than you are of them.
    We trespass in THEIR forest.
    Ssssh! Hear them talking?
    Maybe if we listen
    We‘ll understand their secret.


    (Calls softly)


    Cookie, Monica, Jean,
    Mina and Jo Lee … DaToy and
    Mary Louise… Jane and John Doe…

    (The TREES moan and shiver their leaves)

    See? They’re helpers, not haters!
    Believe me, a forest is safer
    Than most strangers are!
    Native Americans say
    The trees are our home.


    (Eyes appear glittering between the trees. DIGGER and PERSEY react fearfully. PERSEY tries to master her fear to be brave for DIGGER)


    Cookie, Monica, Jean, Mina,
    DaToy and Jo Lee, Jane and John
    Are you there?
    (The eyes turn into beautiful women wearing wolf heads; the WOLF SPIRITS.)


    WOLF SPIRITS
    (Sing)
    Welcome to The Forest…the center of life…
    Holds the mystery of death.


    (They dance with DIGGER and PERSEY who are at first frightened and awkward, then ecstatic & surrendering. One Spirit gives PERSEY a gift. Then slowly they pull back into the dancing trees. DIGGER wants to go with them but PERSEY jerks him back)


    PERSEY
    Digger, I need you to stay with me now.
    Did you see them?
    So many – I never expected …

    (DIGGER waves his tail sadly at the departing WOLF SPIRITS. PERSEY studies her gift…a hairclip with a hair extension attached.)

    I’ve seen this before.
    (Falls to her knees)
    This is Stormee’s. Now I’m REALLY scared.


    (At last DIGGER alerts. Sniffs the clip and commences racing around. Finds more bloodied “evidence” to lay at PERSEY’s feet. STORMEE emerges from the trees looking different – scary yet exalted. Her dress is a mass of red streamers. She dances, then collapses gracefully in a heap – PERSEY finds the body – scream – light out.)

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Scene 7
    (Later. PERSEY’s house. She wears cleaning overall and carries duster & spray can. NED the cop in plain clothes knocks at the door. She’s surprised to see him.)


    NED
    (Very relaxed, strides in carrying folders)
    Some place you’ve got here.
    Looks like your help has help.


    PERSEY
    We’re do-it-yourselfers.
    Um…how can I assist?


    NED
    Ready to work?
    (Shakes the folders at her)


    PERSEY
    I am working.


    NED
    This is real work,
    Not playing house.
    Aren’t you supposed to be
    My confidential Informant?
    Saw your husband depart so figured
    Now’s a good time.
    Keepin’ it downlow.
    How about coffee?


    PERSEY
    (She looks appalled but can’t think how to get out of this. DIGGER lifts an uninterested head and goes back to sleep.)
    Um…sure.


    (She wanders out. NED strides around the room, looking at everything. Scratches DIGGER behind ears, Pokes into things, wanders up to the portrait, which glares at him)


    NED
    Whoa, Nellie!


    (PERSEY returns sans housecoat & duster, bearing a tray of coffee. NED gestures at the portrait)


    NED
    This is quite something.


    PERSEY
    Yes, isn’t it?
    (She pours)


    NED
    That’s a lot of knives.
    Your husband’s a collector?


    PERSEY
    Boys love toys.
    Sugar? Cream?


    NED
    I could use something sweet.
    One of those painted kids is
    Your man, I presume?


    PERSEY
    (Sitting down – she’s had it with that portrait)
    That’s what they say.
    But no one knows which.


    NED
    Oh, I think I can tell.


    PERSEY
    (Very disbelieving)
    They’re identical twins!


    NED
    (Confident)
    Sure. One is a felon and the other
    Married you. Think that wouldn’t show?


    PERSEY
    A felon?


    NED
    (Less certain)
    Nobody told you?


    PERSEY
    Bruce went to jail?


    NED
    The guy was a rapist.
    (He opens file)
    He served four years.


    PERSEY
    My God!


    NED
    That’s my question, in fact.
    There’s a gravesite and obituary…
    But I can’t find a certificate.


    PERSEY
    Let me see.


    (He hands her the file – contents projected on walls. Disturbing newspaper articles, black and white photos)


    I was worlds away in college
    Roy was in the army.
    I never met Bruce.
    Babe– she’s my mother-in-law
    Says Bruce killed himself.


    NED
    Suicide never makes obits.
    Family shame – there’s the rub.
    Good coffee by the way.
    You like it strong, just like I do.
    Most people can’t handle that.
    (Studied calm)
    So you think something’s funny
    About Bruce’s demise?


    PERSEY
    For the first time that seems likely.
    A handsome young man,
    With his own trust fund,
    A bully who adored showing others his power.
    Suddenly he has an actual motive for offing himself.


    NED
    (His turn to be disbelieving)
    Family shame, you are thinking?
    Some sense of remorse?


    PERSEY
    I know his mom pretty well.
    Rape she could cover.
    But prison…


    NED
    Mom’s OK with rape?


    PERSEY
    She’s a tad narcissistic.


    NED
    Ah. Would you say that it’s possible…
    That Bruce is alive?


    (WOLVES howl. DIGGER lifts his head and joins in. NED catches PERSEY’s cup as PERSEY drops it)

    PERSEY
    JESUS!


    (DIGGER goes to window – all excited.)


    It’s those coyotes. I’m afraid
    Digger’s in love with them.


    NED
    Hey, we all envy the wild.
    Sorry I upset you.


    PERSEY
    (Filled with revulsion and distaste)
    Bruce CAN’T be alive.
    . If he is alive, then where is he?
    Roy says that he’s dead and
    He couldn’t fool Roy.
    Roy hated his brother but now
    He’s been set free. He replaced
    Bruce with Jarod who
    Gives him esteem.
    Not even their mother
    Keeps that kind of secret.


    NED
    Work with me here.
    Let’s imagine –
    Just for argument –
    Bruce was paid to vanish and
    The money ran out.
    What would he do?


    PERSEY
    (Cynically)
    The money NEVER runs out.


    NED
    Wow. If you say so!


    PERSEY
    Roy’s mom isn’t clever
    And she’s not really subtle.
    I can read between HER lines.
    She acts like something’s missing
    That Roy took away.
    Bruce’s death explains that.


    NED
    You think your husband
    Murdered his brother?


    PERSEY
    What is it with everyone?
    That’s NOT what I think!


    NED
    But somebody does?


    PERSEY
    One thing’s guaranteed;
    If Bruce is alive,
    Roy knows nothing about it.


    NED
    (Gentle irony)
    So, in your case the wife
    Is the first one to know?
    Your husband can’t lie?
    Kudos to both of you.


    PERSEY
    I know my own husband!
    YOUR marriages didn’t take
    So, what do YOU know?
    Bruce was Roy’s twin!
    It’s a special relationship.


    NED
    Would you say he loved his brother?


    PERSEY
    Hated him. Bruce was the favorite.
    Roy never came into his own
    Till his brother died.
    But if he thought for a moment that
    Bruce could appear…he’d act totally different.
    I just know it.


    NED
    You’re pretty confident
    In your ability to read people.


    PERSEY
    I can read THESE people.


    NED
    Kudos to ME picking
    Confidential Informants.

    PERSEY
    (She fears he is mocking her but he’s very straight faced.)
    So, what is it you want
    Me to do for you exactly?


    NED
    Get me a death certificate.


    PERSEY
    This was supposed to concern Jarod!


    NED
    I say what this concerns.
    That’s how this thing works.
    You’re a better authority
    On this family than on Gunver.


    PERSEY
    (She just hates this job)
    Well, Babe is a packrat and
    Bruce’s room is a shrine.
    Her house is a castle.
    I could look for it there. Or…
    I could ask her.


    NED
    I’d appreciate it.
    She won’t return calls.

    (PERSEY rises as if to show him out but NED sits like a log. He not going anywhere.)


    PERSEY
    (A bit desperately)
    Why Bruce?
    And why now?


    NED
    His fingerprints turned up
    Recall that pink shoe in the woods?


    PERSEY
    Really? You’re kidding!


    NED
    Who knows how long
    A fingerprint lasts? Still –
    There’s no coincidences
    Only new patterns.
    Bruce gets out of jail…
    Disappears – bodies appear. They say
    Rapists who serve time
    Stop leaving witnesses.


    (WOLVES howl. Now DIGGER wants to go out.)


    PERSEY
    (To DIGGER)
    You lie down!

    (DIGGER plays dead)


    (To NED)


    But that’s horrible!


    NED
    Horrible’s my job.
    How long have you had
    This feral dog problem?


    PERSEY
    There isn’t a problem!
    If Digger’s friends choose to go feral
    We can respect that.


    NED
    You promise to help me?


    PERSEY
    (Pacing, trying not to panic)
    You’re looking in the wrong place.


    NED
    What makes you think so?

    PERSEY
    (Determinedly)
    MY suspect’s a cop, that’s why
    You’ll never see it.


    (NED leans forward)

    NED
    Jarod’s got no criminal jacket.
    He isn’t good for this. The question is
    Why your husband has bad taste in friends.
    Gunver physically violent
    That you personally know of?


    PERSEY
    He brags about hurting prisoners.
    The whole street’s afraid of him.
    He and Stormee fight constantly.


    NED
    He’s got no complaints.


    PERSEY
    It’s a rigged system!


    NED
    This is circular reasoning.


    PERSEY
    He’s a parasite!


    NED
    Parasites don’t kill.
    If they know what is good for them.
    You’re emotionally involved.

    PERSEY
    And that cancels evidence?


    NED
    Hey, everyone’s suspect.
    I promised to study it.


    PERSEY
    (Points to the folders he hasn’t opened)
    So, what’s that doing here?
    Those extra files?


    NED
    Oh. You wanted those names.
    Of the missing.


    (WOLVES emerge howling and gather around house.)


    Sounds like…they’re singing.


    PERSEY
    Wouldn’t we all if we could?


    NED
    You mean feel one with nature?


    PERSEY
    Dance with the trees.


    (She whirls. THE WOLF-SPIRITS stand up as humans with wolf heads & masks)


    NED
    In our dreams!

    (Words & photos projected on walls. Names.)


    WOLF SPIRITS
    (Eerie chanting)
    Cookie Louise, Monica Falkin, Jean Jane McComber, Ernie
    “DaToy”, Jo Lee Ann Jeffries, Miss Mina Ha, Jane Does 1 through Jane Doe 4, John Doe 1,2,3.


    PERSEY
    Can I keep these?


    NED
    Do you want them?


    PERSEY
    Names are important.
    I’d like to study them.


    NED
    The murderer didn’t care who they were.


    PERSEY
    I think he killed them because of
    Who they were becoming.


    (The TREES send protective vines over the house; DIGGER howls)


    NED
    That’s an eerie effect!
    Really makes you shiver.


    (PERSEY opens the door and looks out pointedly)


    How about your name – Persey.
    Where did that come from?


    PERSEY
    It’s an old one.
    Persephone. It’s Greek.


    (NED exits; having to push vines aside.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Victor works Emily, his off-again, on-again girlfriend

    (Oscar stalks offstage. Victor minces behind him, Rocky vaults over bleachers)

    Rocky
    You’re off course, Victor!
    Throwin’ shade on Darla!

    Victor
    Hey, bro we discussed this!
    You want to fend off intruders
    Or hug them hello?
    Martial arts says
    Use their own weight AGAINST THEM
    Let them knock
    THEMSELVES down.
    Achilles had a heel, my Rocky
    You should know from school history
    And Oscar’s heel looks like DARLA!!!
    So let’s bring him to heel.
    You gotta use bluster!
    My gift of gab fathers brainworms
    No soldier can shake! It’s
    Strategy, man!
    “Cringe theory!”
    Makin’ war with their heads!
    Cringe theory’s my superpower.

    Rocky
    Not if people get hurt!

    Victor
    Quit your puss-ups,
    My brutha! And don’t be pathetic.
    It’s toughen or die
    In this world, little Rocky
    Gotta go for the prizes
    The treasures of paradise
    Don’t fall in your lap.
    We gotta fight for them –
    Smarter and better – sink foes in
    Stupidity – till their filth
    Swallows them whole and
    Leaves the field empty.
    Empty for US.

    Rocky
    Coach says you’re just
    Cynical: using your brain
    To avoid all the
    Sweat and sore muscles.

    Victor
    And what’s wrong with that?
    Don’t see them bankers out
    Laboring
    Stop being a cunt, Rocky.
    If I prove what I say, are
    You with me, or not?

    Rocky
    You can’t prove Darla’s
    A nympho! I know that much
    For certain.

    Victor
    Won’t YOU be surprised.
    Can’t trust ME, trust
    Your own eyes.
    I can prove anything
    On anyone – prove
    Darla’s a nympho and
    Oscar’s an idiot.He’ll be publicly scorned and
    Thrown off the team.
    Do you dare me?

    Rocky
    I dare you. But
    Don’t let it sink you.

    Victor
    Nothing sinks me – I’m
    Unsinkable – The only guy here
    Who’s in charge of himself.
    Coach did me a favor
    Kicking me off the team.
    Now I see the world
    Truthfully.
    Let my game play out.

    Rocky
    I’m more confused
    By your solutions
    Than even my problems!

    (His phone chimes)

    Catch your act later
    Victor – I’m late
    For detention.

    Victor

    (To audience)

    All these poor boneheads
    Still “going to school”.
    This place is a backwater
    For ignorant jerkwads.

    (plays with his phone)

    Victor
    Well I know one person
    Still comes when I call.

    (Emily appears, highly disgruntled, shaking her phone)

    Emily
    What fresh hell is this?
    Are you crazy?

    Victor

    (affectionate and conciliatory)

    Great to see you too
    Baby, give Papa a kiss.

    (She pushes him away)

    Emily
    I am NOT getting you
    Sex pics of Darla!

    Victor
    Level the playing field
    Sugar, you’ve got to just
    Face it! Darla
    Thinking she’s special
    Is harshing your style.
    She’s slut-shaming you.

    Emily

    (Despite her best intentions this is getting to her)

    She is NOT. We’re
    Best friends 4-EVA.

    Victor

    (Deep significance – flashes his phone)

    What would she say
    If she saw THESE?
    Think she’d be disgusted?
    Think she’d talk you down?

    Emily
    Stop it! That’s not fair!
    I was playing a part!

    (tearful)

    I was only a kid!

    Victor
    Prudes
    And their body issues –
    So…what’s wrong with HER body?

    Emily
    Nothing wrong with Darla’s body!
    You know she’s just shy.

    Victor
    She’s a prude!

    Emily
    She’s got standards.

    Victor
    Hey, I ain’t asking
    For porno!
    Nude ladies be art!

    (Considers)

    Not that pornos are bad.
    I mean if Darla wanted –
    You never know what’s lurking
    Behind Darla’s green door.

    Emily
    Darla has no
    Green door!

    Victor
    Just one nudie pic – please?
    And
    I’ll destroy all of these.

    (She snatches for his phone – he holds it just out of reach)

    Emily
    You already
    SAID you destroyed them!

    Victor
    But honey – they’re
    So beautiful! So precious
    To my heart.

    Emily
    Not that one with
    The blindfold.

    Victor
    Oh, quit your drama!
    Be glad they ain’t posted.

    Emily
    You sent them to ME!
    They’ll be somewhere
    FOREVER.

    Victor
    Grow up “Miss Emily”. Allow
    Poor space aliens to
    Get off on your booty!

    Emily
    I NEVER SAID YES.
    I was asleep for
    The first ones!

    Victor
    Didn’t you give me your body?
    You know you did
    Sugar. Who
    “Consent” breaks the mood.
    I’m “equal opportunity –“ sugah –
    Don’t I send you dic pics?

    Emily
    It’s not even YOUR dick!

    Victor
    Some of them are!

    Emily
    Face it, Victor.
    Some girls just don’t
    Want to be filmed.

    Victor
    Don’t you believe it, sister
    Every chick’s got a
    Mayadere hiding in her
    Someplace.
    Don’t you owe it to history
    To immortalize
    This gorgeousness?

    (he plays with her hair)

    Emily
    First time I’ve
    Heard THAT argument.
    You said I was so
    “Inadequate” I ought
    To get implants.

    Victor
    Only if you
    Want them. I know you
    Emily. You’re all
    About Art.
    “Cinema verité.”

    (air quotes)

    Making it real and
    KEEPING it real.

    Emily
    Can’t believe
    You were listening.

    Victor
    I’ve heard everything
    You’ve ever said.
    You talk in your sleep.

    Emily
    Uh oh. Just giving you
    More ammo.

    Victor
    Let’s say your
    Outward persona
    Don’t recognize your
    Inner child. But
    You’re safe with me.

    Emily
    If only.

    Victor
    Don’t act so
    Unwilling. Isn’t
    “Cinema verité“ about
    Tagging the unwary?
    Just shop your moniker!

    Emily
    Fun as this is to
    Talk about art
    I’m not creating sex pics
    Of Darla for your hounds’
    Delectation.

    Victor
    Oh, give the dogs
    SOMETHING.
    How about pillow fights? Two
    Naked girls and a whole
    World of feathers. Now
    That’s artistic! Or you play
    With her boobies – I’m sayin –
    It could
    Put you through college.

    (Emily facepalms in rage and despair, Victor puts arms around her)

    Victor

    oh honey, if only you saw
    How beautiful you are.
    Lucky me!
    You will never be as gorgeous as
    You are right this minute.

    (Kissing and nuzzling. Emily starts to give in. He nibbles her ear.)

    Victor
    You know we’ve got
    To get rid of him.

    Emily

    (Pulling away)

    Who? Oscar?

    Victor
    Yes, Oscar.
    Everything bad ever
    Started with Oscar.

    Emily
    Leave Oscar alone!
    Stop trying
    To get even. And stop
    Hanging out with mofos like Rocky!
    He’s got shit for brains!

    Victor
    Rocky’s good people.

    Emily
    I know Rocky’s behind this
    He just wants revenge porn
    Because Darla dumped him.

    Victor
    So what? I got Rocky’s back.
    Maybe Rocky’s just human.

    Emily
    Listen –
    My gramma says
    The best revenge
    Is getting into the college
    Of your choice.

    Victor

    (sighs dramatically)

    Sugar, Rocky NEEDS this. And
    He’s too proud to ask.

    Emily
    But Darla’s my FRIEND!

    Victor
    Why you so protective?
    Think she’s better than you?

    Emily
    Girls got to stay loyal.

    Victor
    You’ve got HER back but
    What’s SHE done for you?
    She’s making you look bad.

    Emily
    You guys so stuck on “status”
    Passing chicks like
    Sports cards – you
    Don’t KNOW from friendship. You
    Don’t understand.

    Victor
    You’re not fooling me Sugar.
    Remember I’m your Daddy and
    You talk in your sleep.
    I know you better than
    You know yourself. You’re
    A secret resenter
    ‘Cause Darla’s got
    EVERYTHING while
    You got a broke-ass kid’s bed
    In the basement of
    Your grandparents’ house?

    Emily
    Don’t you go draggin’ my
    Grandfolks! They’ve been
    So good to me.

    Victor

    (Smooth change of tack)

    Some friend YOU are
    Standing by while your bestie
    While she gets herself inseminated
    With terrorist anchor babies!

    Emily

    (Disturbed but trying to stay cool)

    Who’s drama now?

    Victor
    Them kind don’t
    Use rubbers. Trust me, my
    Poptart ‘cause I know the world.
    They’re all bareback and
    Rough riding – that’s what they like.
    Look at the size of him – poor
    Darla’s got no chance –
    He wants something
    He TAKES it! They think
    Rape is foreplay.

    Emily
    You’re disgusting!

    Victor
    I’m makin’ it real and
    Keepin’ it real which you
    PRETEND that you value.
    Who tells truth
    If you don’t get it from me?
    If Darla got pregnant – you know
    What she’d do.

    Emily

    (Sighs)

    She’d have that damn baby
    Darla’s a sticker. DAMN –
    That girl is old school.

    Victor
    So – now you’ve got the chance to
    Nip this in the bud!
    That’s what REAL friends would do.
    Show her Oscar’s true colors!

    Emily

    (wavering)

    How can nudies fix anything?

    Victor
    ‘Cause Oscar will dump her!
    And Coach will dump HIM!

    Emily
    You’re not helping your
    “Nudes are art” theory
    With this “pics are
    Hand grenades” plot.
    Make up your mind!

    Victor
    It’s Oscar’s mind I’m
    Playing with. That guy’s
    A caveman! You know
    How they are. Here’s
    Your chance to expose him!

    Emily
    You’re talking crazy.

    Victor
    Hey, I’ll contain all the
    Damage. Where are YOUR
    Nudie pix? Safe and sound!

    (pats his phone)

    See? You know you can trust me!
    You know Daddy’s good for it!

    Emily
    But you’re so
    Conniving – playing
    Both sides to middle.

    Victor
    Oh, be a guy’s girl for once
    Like you. claimed
    To be when
    You promised yourself to me.
    Don’t go all
    Girlie-girl.

    (makes what he thinks is a mincing gesture)

    Emily
    This is the whole problem
    With high school monogamy!
    We’re such different people
    In four short years!

    Victor

    (Offended)

    Well, I ain’t no Ken doll.

    Emily
    And I’m no Barbie!

    Victor
    Truthfully –
    Ain’t it been wonderful
    How we stick together?
    You got all your friends’ envy.

    Emily
    ‘Cause they don’t know the truth.
    They don’t see my
    Compromise.

    (Victor pours on the sugar)

    Victor
    It’s a cold world out there, baby.
    A girl needs protection.

    Emily

    (Exhausted)

    Oh leave me alone.
    I can’t cope. You’re like
    A bulldozing
    Bloviator.

    (She exits; Victor does silent victory dance)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Othello in an American High School

    Place : An American high school

    Time: Now

    Characters

    Victor: handsome, short, manipulative teen male

    Oscar: immigrant male teen, dark, tall, handsome, recently recruited to this new high school for his athletic gifts, trying to figure out this new world and his place within it

    Emily: Victor’s girlfriend, Darla’s best friend

    Darla: beautiful, intelligent teen girl, considered highly desirable but she considers herself one of the “good girls”

    Rocky: “best friend & yes man”; resentful male teen: Darla’s ex

    Act 1 – Scene 1: (Football field of an American high school. VICTOR, a handsome but height-challenged teenager, sits on the bleachers under klieg lights)

    Victor
    (to audience)

    The new guy!

    (spits)

    It’s always about the new guy!
    Oooo – he’s so special!
    Oooo – he’s so different –
    Let’s give him EVERYTHING!
    Let’s give him a room
    In the same house
    With the coach’s beautiful daughter!

    (pacing)

    I ask you – is that fair?
    How can THAT be fair!
    Me – who’s always been loyal –
    Cut from the team!
    No more loyalty – that’s for sure –
    That coach is a such a cunt –
    They’re all cunts!
    “You’re not a team player,” says
    Coach Higgins –
    “Won’t take direction.”
    Know what that’s code for?
    Means I’m smart!
    Means I’ve figured things OUT.
    Means I ask questions and
    Think for MYSELF.

    You’d think schools would value
    INTELLIGENCE
    But they’re just preachin’
    The same old religion –
    Looks, money, genetic

    Mutations! Like
    Their darling Oscar!

    Who’s Oscar?
    What’s Oscar?
    What hole did he crawl out of?
    He’s not one of us
    That’s for sure –
    Floated here
    In a box,
    Climbed over some wall.
    Paid a criminal “coyote”
    To circumvent those
    Laws they claim to love:
    Barely speaks English and
    Here they are
    Lining up
    To suck his dick.

    Listen to them
    Congratulate each other:

    (high affected voice)

    “We offer sanctuary!”
    “Cause we’re practically ANGELS” –
    But only athletes
    With “gifts” they need
    Get that “special treatment”.

    What’s this fuss all about?
    What’s this “gift” really about?
    He learned to RUN is all
    Dodging border cops
    Thumbing his nose at
    Everyone
    Who’s been here FOREVER.
    Saps!
    We’re only good enough to
    Pay his bills!

    He’s got HEIGHT –
    The guy’s good looking but –
    And that’s ALL he’s got.
    That’s ALL he is –
    He’s a pet and pets are
    ANIMALS!

    (spits venomously)

    Oscar!

    (Enter ROCKY, best friend and yes man, equally discouraged)

    Rocky
    Hey, who’re you talking to?

    Victor
    A guy craving
    Intelligence in this neck of the woods
    Has to talk to himself.

    Rocky
    Yeah, he does!

    (beat)

    And what’s that guy say?

    Victor
    It’s not FAIR
    Is what I’m saying;
    Coach falling over Oscar
    Just for his legs.

    Rocky
    Has that guy got legs!
    He DOES have legs!
    Regular jackrabbit
    That guy.

    Victor
    Why’s this immigrant
    So special they’re breakin’ the rules
    I wanna know.
    Since the law says we
    Gotta go to school
    We’re really hostages –
    And what do they teach us?
    What do they care about?

    Football!
    Following ORDERS.
    How to win games
    FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.
    Get our blocks caved in
    For the old folks’ amusement.

    Rocky
    Aw – you’re just sore you were cut
    Everyone’s sore. But
    Who doesn’t like football?
    Football’s FUN
    Sure beats math.

    (Thinks)

    And chemistry.

    (Shudders)

    Victor
    You’re cut too
    Poor bastard –
    We don’t measure up
    To their sudden “new” standards.

    Rocky

    (apologetically)

    I oughta
    Work out more.
    Squad goals!

    Victor
    Squad goals?
    Following orders is more like it
    Give them your
    Brain for a plaything.
    You gotta MOVE ON man!
    I’ve moved on.
    Get with the program.

    Rocky

    (headscratching)

    Whose program?
    Quarterbacks are heroes, man.

    Victor
    Just a genetic mutation
    Centuries of selective breeding
    We should be ON TOP of this
    Not bottoming the heap!

    Rocky
    Buddies RELY
    You’re the one who says that.
    We “Gotta play position”
    Like it or not.

    (Shrug)

    Victor
    Might as well
    Buy yourself a box, friend
    YOU’RE GONNA GET BURIED.

    Rocky
    Nobody dies footballin’.

    Victor
    But they die
    IN THE ARMY –
    And that’s where you’re goin’
    Suckah – with their
    Squad goals in your head!
    Cannon fodder!
    That’s what the THINKERS say –
    Marching without questions
    Buys a hole in the ground!

    Rocky
    But football –

    Victor
    Forget football!
    See the BIG game.
    Football isn’t the universe, man.
    Look at Congress, look at
    Wall Street! What do you see?

    Rocky
    Butt-ugly old men.

    Victor
    Yeah, they are!
    Some poor fool be taking
    Their orders – where to jump and when!
    They’re laughing their
    Asses off all the way
    To the bank. They’re
    Partyin’ on YOUR time
    YOUR money, your LIFE
    My poor friend.

    Rocky
    But I got nothin’!
    I had a girlfriend
    Had a place on the team
    Now I got nothin’!

    Victor

    (Taps his head)

    All wealth is up here. It’s
    STRATEGY, man – we gotta learn
    GAME THEORY.
    Not football. I tell you,
    Man, they’re making us dumber!
    Just look all around you!

    Rocky
    Seeing… what?

    Victor
    Smart people like us – have got to
    Learn to teach themselves
    While some idiots
    Run around a field and other idiots
    Applaud. Listen to me. I’m the only one
    Keepin’ it real.

    Rocky
    You’re the onlySmart guy at this school,
    Victor.

    Victor

    (Gratified)

    That’s what
    I’m talking about!
    Getting dumped’s a mark of honor from
    Assholes like those.

    Rocky

    (Sadly)

    Ya think?
    I was coming
    To ask you –
    What to do about Darla.
    You should have seen
    Her face when she –

    (overwhelmed by anguished memory)

    Victor
    Her face when she dumped you?
    Don’t cringe, bro!
    I’ve seen Darla’s face.
    Girl’s face
    Is her fortune.

    Rocky
    Her face when she saw Oscar.
    That girl was drooling
    She’s never looked at me
    Anything like that.

    Victor
    Girls be dramatic!
    Don’t take it serious!

    Rocky
    But they live’ in the same house –
    You know Coach turns a blind eye
    No bro can fight that.

    Victor
    Cut yourself free of that drama –
    And you stay lucky, my buddy.
    She did you a solid.
    We need to be
    Pullin’ them bitches, not
    Getting Cuffed.
    Stay wary, my brother. And
    Remember – all
    Chicks are alike.

    Rocky
    There’s no chick
    Like Darla! She could be
    A supermodel. Her body!
    Coke bottle hips –

    (shapes the air with his hands)

    Victor

    (Giving himself boobs)

    And Playmate level
    Titties!

    (they high five)

    Free the Nipple!
    Not that you’ve SEEN them.

    Rocky
    Oh brother – Hells yes
    I HAVE.
    Not talking side boob –
    Not bragging top boob –
    I’m sayin’ I kissed them and
    Seen the whole thing.
    Nips so –
    Pale –
    Pale as

    (Gropes for metaphor)

    Musclemilk.
    Not dark like porn queens but
    Pale – like a just-born baby.

    (Deflates)


    Victor
    I don’t believe you.

    Rocky
    You don’t BELIEVE me?
    Callin’ me a liar?

    Victor
    Then where’s your trophy?

    (camera snap gesture)

    No bares without shares.

    Rocky
    No such luck.

    Victor
    Why the heck not?
    You forget about
    Squad goals?

    (threatening)

    It’s your name
    On the line.

    Rocky
    Hey –
    It was low light.

    Victor
    Your phone got no
    Flashlight?

    (Makes a “keep it coming” gesture)

    Bros before hos.

    Rocky
    Didn’t have my phone!
    This is Darla we’re talking about!
    Girl’s such a prude
    I was lucky to get close –
    Seize opportunity.

    (Whispers)

    Skinny dipping down
    In Darla’s POOL.

    Victor
    You can’t score alone, Rocky.
    There’s buddies to feed.

    Rocky
    I almost got there!
    She’s gone, now, Victor.
    It’s over. She’ll never sit
    On my face now.
    I’m out. I’m OVER.

    Victor
    Hey! No one says
    You’re over till
    I say you’re over.
    What’s got into this chick?

    Rocky
    ‘Cause she knows she’s beautiful!
    Darla’s so special!
    Wouldn’t let me
    Touch third.

    Victor
    Listen to yourself!
    Giving her control!

    Rocky

    (whining)

    Darla’s so different.
    Darla’s so special.

    Victor
    You’re so CUFFED, man –
    That’s why she
    Dumps you – you’re into
    HER playbook,
    When she ought to be in YOURS.
    All quims are alike.
    Bitches need to be
    Dominated.


    Rocky
    Not queens, man.
    They know they’re different.

    Victor
    If I teach you one thing, bro
    It’s gotta be this –
    Beauty don’t last!
    Power lasts! Power grows!
    That’s the game, baby – it’s
    You or her – only one of you
    Gets out alive. Watch my lips!
    Second verse – same as the first.
    It’s her foot on your face or
    Your foot on her keester
    You better believe it.
    Play or be played.

    Rocky
    But girls are so different!
    Some girls are big
    Some girls are tiny.
    Take Brandy’s chest –

    Victor
    Taken.
    You’re wandering off point Rocky
    Here’s the point –
    Darla’s hot for beaner!

    (frantic hip thrusting motion)

    Rocky
    Aw, Darla doesn’t GET hot –

    Victor
    Not for YOU, maybe.
    HE unsnapped her purse
    Gonna run through them bushes –
    If we let him –
    Like a machete.

    Rocky
    But WHY?
    Just ‘cause
    He’s quarterback?

    Victor
    ‘Cause he’s DIRTY.
    Girls can’t help it, brutha
    It’s all genetic – they got to
    Wander, seasoning the herd.
    First moment she saw him
    She’s wanting his rugrat
    Girl can’t help herself.

    (falsetto voice)

    Bareback me, baby!
    “I need a raw boy –
    Gimme your giant thing –
    Doin’ the map.”
    That’s why they need
    DOMINANCE.

    Rocky
    Stop it! That’s not true!
    You don’t know that!

    Victor
    All slits are ALIKE
    Lookin’ to get railed –

    (grabs Rocky, shakes him)

    You gotta
    Stay strong, my brutha –
    THIS is your moment
    THIS is your choice
    Don’t get cuffed
    Or you’ll soon be
    CUCKED!

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer – Last Post

    Party Castle – Mon 9 July 79 – 7:50 PM

    26 hours without T. Spoke to him last night and
    again this afternoon. His acceptance of me is total, but it comes from
    a position of strength and I have fears of being annihilated. Last night
    I experienced hallucinatory states – drove home the wrong way – felt
    something was happening to the car – re-experienced my swallowing
    problem. Resolved my panic by starting a poem.

                Sat night Toss and I read the diary passages where

    we lose our “divinity” (his word) together. He cried and told me what he’d
    felt like from his “side”, wanting to be male & in control, feeling helpless
    & immature. Agreed if we had married then we’d be divorced now.

    11:05PM Trying to read Oneness & Separateness. Not well suited to me
    right now! Much as I want to be a mother the thought of a demanding
    infant between me & T truly horrifying. Insane fears of rejection and
    abandonment – why on earth should I trust this man? Called T at work!
    Complete craziness. He reassured me we will have private alone time
    a real vacation in the Berkshires. He said champagne arrived.
    Called A & we discussed Mom & Dad – how they rewarded “self-sufficiency”
    and responded to neediness coldly. Makes it hard to be honest now but
    I hate this weirdly formal relationship with my own parents. Avril says there
    is no retraining them.

    Sat 14 July 79 – StormFall Farm – 11:15 PM
    Oh, my God who would believe it – here I am 11
    years later! Told T about my uncle last night as we made sexual
    “confessions”. He was completely calm about it so it’s no longer a
    Big Secret. He insisted I read his ex-girlfriend’s letters. She was a
    Piper Cub to his Concorde, believe me. He kept carbons of his letters
    to her!!!! Not very loving – downright fatherly. In a bad way.

            T’s actual father and he smoked cigars last night

    after dinner leaning against the mantel – they were so beautiful together
    I felt stunned. Wrote a poem:


    MY HUSBAND SMOKES CIGARS WITH HIS FATHER
    BY CANDLELIGHT

    Your profiles cut my heart like glass.
    Go ahead. I’m a bleeder, I’ll
    Still be here when you look back.
    Your father is a silver-headed
    Walking-stick; his elongation glows with far less heat.
    You’re his nemesis; and he’s used to it.
    The wooden floors washed cornelian
    Perhaps by sunset
    Perhaps by jealousy of girls who
    Lost you; judged too soon the temper of your eyes
    Wrote too many letters or
    Not enough; the wrong kind
    Addressed to the pale law student with
    The cinderblock heart
    Traveling commentator with the hundred
    Dollar bill rolled inside his shoe,
    The long-haired Pinkerton guard.
    You learned to suck the cherries
    Scarless from the tree; it’s no mean art
    Broke a few at first; we all did.
    By what right am I the winner?
    You chose me in thirty seconds leaving
    enough time to smoke another cigar.

                Everyone wants us to marry before May. But I feel

    I need some time in Kentucky first. Toss told me last night that on paper
    he is a millionaire. Here’s luck, because if I keep on keeping on, I’m a pauper!
    Tom’s grandmother’s response was “I am not surprised.”
    She committed herself to reading my “thriller”.
    At dinner he announced I’m the only woman he’s ever
    wanted to marry. Tom’s dad said he thought he’d be a bachelor forever.
    Privately we affirmed absolute sexual fidelity forever. Will we be able to keep it?

    Plush Palace – Wed 18 July 79 – 4:55 PM
    Boring day but good tips. Magnificent party at
    The Third Edition last night for Avril’s birthday. (I didn’t care for Avril’s latest
    “honey” Vigo but was furious at myself – she should date as widely as possible.
    Maybe I was affected by T who is a snob and a purist.) Drinks, fruit & cheese –
    then dinner at The Old Angler & Frank Langella in Dracula. (Not a good version.)
    “Finances” discussion with T. He talked me out of
    selling my car. I worry about being dependent on him but he says it will be fine.
    Sounds to me like he is living on a knife’s edge – working part time, going to
    law school, selling stock when he needs money (which he is loathe to do being
    naturally frugal.) Too tired to make love last night but we started up in the
    middle of the night – both asleep. Doors keep opening – then there’s
    another one.

    Castle – 1 PM – Thurs 19 July 79
    So happy I can’t take it all in. Feel like someone
    recovering from a long illness. Read Cheever’s Goodbye My Brother –
    as satisfying as a novel. Last night we made love for hours and hours but
    I just couldn’t come – kept holding his face saying, “Is it really you”? Dancing
    with Barbara the Kikuyu and blonde Joyce of the day-glo costumes.

    3 PM Party Castle – 24 July 79
    First real friction last night – very predictably, about
    my job. I’m irritated over the assumption that its sordid and brutalizing.
    It is totally NOT the same as the dancers in DC!!! LIFE can be sordid and
    brutalizing – I like this club because it ISN’T and I’ve tried others. We
    discussed HIS job which also has its sordid and corrupting aspects.
    Duh. His last girlfriend gave him shit about it (and refused to read the paper!)
    so it’s a sore point. He should get it. There was a horrible moment when
    he felt foreign and alien – but I expected it – too much intimacy always
    causes a backlash. Trying to read Sisters & Strangers. The Victorian
    novel is not dead.

    Castle – 2 Aug 79 – Wed
    Seems hopeless to TRY writing in this book – things
    happen so fast – a month is an eternity. Last night celebrated our 11th
    “divinity loss” anniversary – and a difficult anniv. It was. T came to see
    me dance for the first time – with Avril so it wouldn’t be so bad but had
    to leave he was so upset. He didn’t like me smiling! Like I’m ENJOYING
    myself! The PLACE didn’t bother him (“reverent & reserved” were his
    words) just my pleasure in movement beauty & freedom! Uh oh! He goes
    back to my parents’ argument: IT’S TURNING MEN ON. So what? I get
    impatient with that – that way lurks the “hajib”.


    We have to educate each other. At the end the
    atmosphere seemed cleared and we both cried with relief. Even though I
    know my love is in the larval stage, I’ve never loved anyone the way I love
    him. We had our last dinner at 641 E street – steak and wine, fruit, cream,
    brandy. He asked me if there were any boyfriends’ the report of whose marriage “depressed” me (he was referring to my marriage) and I had to say no.


    He opened a letter from Mindy, ex-girlfriend he was
    thinking of re-starting a relationship with except she went to Nepal. A letter
    I would have thought perfectly reasonable two months ago now strikes me as
    ridiculous – an ounce of love is worth more than all these pages of barter.


    I got a wonderful letter from Devon – he’s found
    “another girl” (with three more in reserve I’m betting) and wishes me the best.
    But T was upset because he closed with “I love you” a word NOT thrown
    around in his world! (Mindy and Cindy don’t say it!) He says it’s the only
    part of the letter he believes – “the guy is a total phony.” I said his only victim
    is himself. We then made love on the floor on top of all our exes’ letters.
    Gloriously. Got a poem out of it.

    The Bridesmaid
    Yes, I know everything
    You’re my poor
    Relation.
    I know of your daddy’s desk where you
    Fucked with formaldehyde fingers
    I know of your lonely
    Rosary of abortions
    I repeat, I know everything.
    We made love on your letters undisturbed
    As two icons.
    She’s imperfect
    He told me.
    Unseated by mortality
    We must take our place
    With the king’s crazy mistresses;
    Brewing menstrual blood coffee
    And mandrake root tea.
    Swim away, little bridesmaid,
    You’re too young
    I’m in love
    We’ve got
    Too much in common ever to meet.
    Need to see dentist & gyno, overhaul bike,
    pay bills. T. meets Ralph Nader at 6. Lucky me snagging someone so
    ambitious and competent.

    Castle Mon 6 Aug 79
                God I need Maine. I love T but I need to get away

    from him. I am used to being alone 4-5 hours a day. Starving for that.
    Wonder how many otherwise perfect relationships break up for this reason!
    T. is a little TOO driven. A little TOO single-minded. Makes me argue with him
    – I can’t help it. For example: he talked about the “ugliness of the desert
    landscape.” It’s not my “thing” either – because I grew up somewhere else
    – but O’Keeffe taught me to see the beauty of it. What he REALLY meant was
    “I don’t like it” but he raises it to a religious principle “New England is better.” That’s embarrassing.

    I constantly feel he’s trying to “re-educate” me
    – for example he didn’t like my turquoise silk pants because he “doesn’t like colors
    that don’t appear in nature.” When shown an aquarium of tropical fish he doesn’t “count” them, their colors are “cultivated” and somehow “wrong.” The truth is bright colors make him nervous. So say THAT.


    Sat night we went to an office party of his people (to
    which I wore the aforementioned pants) and praised the house over-
    extravagantly. (He does NOT like my yellow velvet furniture. I’m giving it
    to Maureen.) “One good picture” per wall, beige Danish oldern furniture –
    unbelievably boring and sterile. A chipped china frog would have done
    the place a world of good. Could warn of decorating problems ahead.
    His younger brother Dominic in town – when I
    complimented his Mazda sports car and said I’d love to have one someday
    Toss said “we’ll see” as if I could never buy one for myself! These
    flare-ups are important signs. Must work on my self-value.


    8 Aug 79
    Packing for Maine came across D’s letters. Not a
    “good” one among them. “Phoniness” is NOT his problem – that’s not
    the right word – he’s not even “tone deaf” which was Bruce’s disorder.
    I think it’s a “temperature” thing – he WANTS all passion sexualized
    (not that he would ever admit it) and doesn’t trust intimacy, closeness –
    as if he doesn’t believe – doesn’t want to believe it exists. He fears never
    freeing himself from the physical so he cultivates a lonely “spirituality” but
    he’s mired HIMSELF in it. So that’s pathetic. I take responsibility – he
    probably felt hounded by my love. Thank God I escaped is all I can say. I’m
    betting he was geared up to torture me for a lifetime.
    I let T read my short story about his mother. That was
    probably a mistake. (In it he’s planning her death!) He made some idiotic
    writing class comments – I said it wasn’t THAT far along – but there’s
    something appealingly mythic about this undigested mass. Worry about
    it in ten years!

    Shadowe Island ME – Mon 7:30 AM 12 Aug 79
            Toss just left on the ferry so I can relax. Wish this

    diary ended here – I need a New Life. But Not Yet. Rainy with a gray sea. Dogs stretched out snoring on the Greek carpet.
    This visit has been everything I wanted, but the first
    night was classic in its ghastliness. Guests showed up at cocktails and stayed
    through dinner – unexpectedly – this mob scene making our announcement
    a bit tougher.
    Toss whispered, “Want to go through with it?”
    I said, “Sure.”


    We opened the champagne. The guests loved it
    – Mom & Dad really surprised. Dad started talking about his difficult
    father-in-law and how things would be different but flat out calling me a
    liar when I chimed in about how Wilbur returned his prison mail (he told
    me this story HIMSELF last Christmas!) I kept my temper – oh I must have
    got it wrong. (I didn’t. We’d discussed it later ad nauseam.) Avril attacked
    me later for bringing it up and “embarrassing” Dad – but he’d been TALKING
    ABOUT HIS DIFFICULT FATHER IN LAW. Toss was surprised at Avril’s hostility
    – used to her as an ally. He said, “They obviously think you’re invulnerable.”
    Probably. If so they’re all idiots! I thought A was upset
    about her own out-of-his-depth boyfriend, Vigo.
    Anyway T rescued the evening bringing tears to Mom’s
    eyes by talking about how he’d always loved me. M & D apologized &
    congratulated us.


    Sunday the four of us toured the island – trying to
    get along with Vigo. (A says he has just one testicle as if that’s all that’s
    wrong with him.) At dinner watched slides of my growing up – T tremendously
    moved – then lobster dinner.

    Tues 13 Aug 79 – 5 PM
    T called last night on his WATS line and we talked ½
    an hour. Says he used to play an “airport game” of “Looking for his future
    wife” but thought “I AM married!” Wow!

    Sun. 19 Aug 79
    T’s letter came! Glorious. I do not feel worthy.
    Tension between A & V – he teases her too much – we all try to ignore it –
    tough to figure out how to call him on it without opening up hostilities. Hope
    she dumps him. T on phone!
    Ex-island boyfriend visits. A says he acts like he wants to knock me to
    the floor and French kiss me to death. Seems accurate. Glad T missed him.

    Party Castle – 11 PM 22 Aug 79
    Glad to go to Maine and thrilled to leave it. Mary &
    Debby dancing. Today’s been eventful – T got my letters and was
    enormously moved. He says the worst mistake he ever made was burning
    my teenage letters. We should try to exist without this phoning but can’t
    help ourselves. Diet going well: I feel good. Struggling with a pile of thank
    you letters.

    Castle – 7 PM Fri 25 Aug 79
    T. and I separated 11 days already – feels like
    eternity. Avril announces she wants her own apt so I should put house
    on the market. Maybe its easier. Flooding small publishers with Blood
    Memory     – feel pessimistic however. 3 poems accepted – 2 by Colorado
    Woman, 1 by Friends Journal. Doesn’t feel as good as I’d hoped.
    Struggling with new novel where I try to tell the truth about Devon. But
    why should anyone want THAT God knows. Moving costs $400. I still think
    I should sell my Fiat. Rotten crowd. Bored and jerking like a marionette.
    Dancing with crazy Robin and Anne who never stops talking. She says
    June’s in the hospital in a full body cast – will never dance again. 2 more
    sets – praise God.
    Trying to read about Lewis Carroll. A says Zach
    threatening to show up. Don’t show up, Zach. I have a headache.

    2:30 AM Sun 27 Aug 79 –
    There is a God. Zach didn’t show. Long phone call
    w/T then walk dogs to think about it. He is such a powerful person
    it’s a little disturbing. Said he read my poem (The Duel) to his most
    erudite friend who was very impressed. We wound up in another
    argument about my dancing. I can’t bear his slurs so I referred to his
    past drug use – WE’VE BOTH EXPERIMENTED, ALL RIGHT? He
    wants me to live without money then complains about selling stock. I told
    him it’s a “schizophrenic bind.” Didn’t mention how I have to PRY my stock
    (that’s in my name) out of Mom and Dad.


    Reading an idiotic romance – its very idiocy is refreshing.
    I see why people get addicted to these. Like looking at maps when you’re lost.
    Ok they’re only two dimensional but its SOMETHING!

    Party Castle Tues 28 Aug 79
    Last night dancing. Celebrate with chocolates but I’m too
    enervated to appreciate it. Finished I’m Radcliffe, Fly Me. Ultimately a failure.
    Fails to explore the inherent corruption of institutional structures. Horrible
    night. $5 in tips – they are sick of the sight of me and I refuse to buy new
    costumes. I am scared to death of being dependent on T. I think he could
    reassure me but doesn’t know how because if I really needed him would I
    be so desirable? Is a puzzlement.


    I feel like I’m unfastening my suckers from Avril and grabbing
    onto T! Up here without a net! Then I get mad at myself for being so infantile.
    Can I just write and feel powerful? We’ll see! Doubts creeping in! This time
    next week I’ll be in Kentucky! Well, I’ve written some good poems lately.
    Self-confidence atrocity attack. Feel & look rotten. Realizing
    the extent to which I was fertile soil for my parents’ anxieties.


    3:30 Thurs 30 Aug 79
    Everything done, ready to leave. I’m in shock. Crawled
    into the bath with a vodka tonic and now I’m feeling better. Trying to figure
    out how to approach parents for money. Maybe they could give me my own
    stock as engagement present? Feel I won’t be able to disguise my rage.
    This “I’m All Right Jack” no matter WHAT – is mighty convenient for them.
    I realize its any sense of helplessness that triggers all this
    rage NOT a good sign for T’s and my relationship. He can’t “make” me
    independent! I must not succumb, or Plath-ize. (She sacrificed herself
    to the gods of rage.) I’m doing this guy no favors handing him a woman
    on the edge of breakdown.

    4:25PM – My darling just called! Relief! He borrowed a truck from
    somebody so although we’ll have to drive separately we won’t have
    movers or returns to cope with. He’s driving it out here so I can sleep as
    late as I like which I really need. Impossibly intense happiness. Peace & joy. Feel we have been standing in a dinghy trying to balance. Equilibrium is everything. The irrevocableness of marriage. My children mutely regard my choice. The hopelessness of explaining myself to any of T’s friends. Rain. Any excuse not to take a walk (T lives in bad neighborhood.) Feel like a girl in a gothic novel except for the constant sex which makes it a different kind of novel. Break with the past.

    Reading Robert Ludlum’s perfectly ludicrous Matarese Circle. In 100 yrs people will wonder how we stomached this stuff. A. and I going to Olney theatre to see The Bat tonight.

    TOMORROW STARTS WOMAN INTO WOLF Alysse Aallyn’s thriller about difficult marriages & split identities

    …a thrill-ride, unique and highly recommended reading.” –Entrepreneur.com
    “deceit, rape, fertility, imprisonment and a mother’s grief…as each piece of the tightly coiled fiction was loosed I waited for the revelation to come…she couldn’t imagine the extent of the deception until it was spelled out. Neither could I.” –MyShelf.com
    “one of the most unusual mysteries I have ever read…I loved reading Woman Into Wolf … kept me on the edge of my seat right through the end…I highly recommend this novel to fans of crime mysteries that also
    enjoy some extra spice in their stories.” – Readerviews.com
    “a very fine psychological thriller…
    the characters in this book are as bright
    as crystal and as sharp as shattered glass. Aallyn not only can describe them to a neo-noun, she can make them speak
    true to those characters.
    Quite a talent…a novel every bit as worthy as her first.” ArmchairInterviews.com

    “Satisfying as hell.” -Quoth the Raven

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

        10:00 PM – Party Castle – Wed 27 Jun 79
            The inevitable panic reaction has set in – am I out of

    my friggin MIND? But it’s my battle and I’m dealing with it. I hear myself
    saying WAY too much around him as if tempting him to find something to
    be disgusted by and to reject me – why can’t I just shut up and enjoy this?

    Because I can’t believe he really loves the real me – we haven’t seen
    each other in 10 years. I plunge gratified into the dizzying sensory
    experiences – he is very sexual and willing to talk about it – everything
    he says turns me so ON. Heavenly night of ecstatic sex.  Trying to
    go SLOW, not empty out my bag of tricks all at once. I resent my own
    anxieties and my fear of being vulnerable. Here at work I wrote a poem
    about our past – The Duel. Will I ever be able to show him?


      I even like his snobbishness – he’s more elitist
    I guess you’d say. He assumes we’re “up there” – and it’s others job to
    qualify, to climb up to “our level”! That’s so refreshing after Usher Glayne’s
    weirdness! He just takes it for granted we’re in a class by ourselves; special
    people trying to do special things. And our tastes are so similar. He doesn’t
    plan to stay in Kentucky – wants to live in New England with its fall, its
    woodstoves and frozen lakes. I can barely comprehend such confidence 
    much less contain it. Imagine being free forever from the fear that the
    party’s happening elsewhere. We ARE the party.


    I said I felt safe with him – he said he wasn’t sure
    that was justified – looked at me like a beast longing to rend, but restraining
    itself. Wild frissons! He must be horrified by how fast things are going –
    I have never met a man who wouldn’t be. But he’s driving this train. Told
    me he’s been so celibate lately – very upfront discussing his discouraging
    relationship with a virginal anorexic perfectionist frightened by everything
    who compensates by torturing herself and all the people around her. In a
    flash I realized, that’s exactly what Devon is also.


    Toss says he feels “stormed” by me –dizzied – by who
    and what I am, the summit of my “magnificence”. Wow! Such flattery very
    scary. How can he possibly mean it? Yet he seems so honest, so open.
    What will he do when he finds out I am human after all – a creature of mud
    and sludge like everyone else?


    Reading Margaret Drabble’s The Needle’s Eye  –
    not so good as The Waterfall – beginning to be turned off by her towers
    of verbiage. My own life is so much more interesting. Good phone con-
    versations with Toss – I am beginning to trust him. When I told him what
    I do for a living he was totally unfazed. “I knew you couldn’t get that body
    walking!” Tomorrow we explore Annapolis.

      Party Castle 12:05 am 2 July 79
    Wrote D an angry farewell poem.

    “HOW DID YOU MEET?”

    You saw me naked
    I saw you too close- up.
    You hovered, teaching
    Between the green glimpses.
    You drank vodka,
    I drank wormwood.
    You cut mountains down to size;
    I’d no idea that one could take such charge of space.
    Now I’m a toad-dweller,
    Nostrils pierced by thorns I
    Fall face-first into every hole;
    You were the king the ghost pines saluted.
    How you dove and danced!
    Speeding through your love-drunk universe, you
    Infected me with your own whiteness
    Dizziness, till all my blood drained out.
    You challenged God;
    I was the echo following after.
    Yet here I am after all this time
    And nothing promised remains of you.

    Or, “Good luck with Sleeping Beauty’s castle!” That’s what he gets for
    messing with my heart. Can’t show anyone – most certainly not him –
    and it isn’t really finished – and I don’t think it ever will be. But thank
    God for diaries. Diaries can be told anything.
       Reading Secrets in the Family – it is so superb
    I am going to buy copies for all my sisters. Looking forward to discussing
    it with Toss. I’m beginning to miss him now – he’s so deep and interesting
    to be around – so alive on many more levels than anyone else – challenging
    all my levels. Falling in love – happy, crazy.

        Thurs 11:05 – Plush Palace – 5 July 79
            Back at The Plush – its catch as catch can in my

    present situation. I am alienating managers left and right. But I am happy
    crazy and who cares?

                Because on the third of July Toss asked me to

    marry him and I said yes! Here’s how it happened. On Monday night
    we ate white clam linguini and crenshaw melon while listening to Keith
    Jarrett’s Koln Concert – then – came together in delicious, soul-freeing
    sex; two perfectly matched combatants recognizing each other not just
    from childhood and youth but school and dreams. He was eager to learn
    how I could best be pleased – so I surrendered to the inevitable. Fireworks!


    He left me sleeping there in the AM – I heard thumping
    downstairs but I know he has roommates so didn’t think anything of it –
    when he came back for lunch he discovered the door broken in and my
    purse missing. Keys, wallet, everything. I had to call into work – had to
    call a locksmith to give me keys to my car.


    Toss doesn’t know what else they stole because he
    doesn’t know what else is supposed to be in this house – called his
    roommates. They came, police came. So we spent a day of intense
    babbling and the worst kinds of petty annoyances – but none of it mattered
    because he was there. In fact, I welcomed it; it was an extra opportunity to be together.


    At one point I said, you know, you’re everything I’ve
    ever wanted in a man. He said, if I believed that, I’d ask you to marry
    me. I said, if you did I’d say yes. So he said, “Do you want to get married?”
    I said, “I think so,” and there it was! He said I’m the only woman he
    has ever wanted to marry much less asked. We even chose the
    children’s names – there are going to be two of them – a boy and a
    girl of course; one named after Reed and one a combination of our
    addresses! Had to call Aunt Frederica to give her the good news because
    she’s the one who had to give the hospital permission to stitch me up
    ten years ago after our first unfortunate night together! (She was drunk
    of course.) Toss asked me to come back to Kentucky for his last year
    of law school. I “shouldn’t miss this part of his life.” Dogs too, natch –
    we are a package deal.


    He has a house he’s rehabbing that has so many
    rooms it is known as the Hilton. When I said I would come that was
    more important to him than our engagement even. He says I can file f
    or divorce in Kentucky’s understanding Commonwealth. He ordered
    a case of Moet Chandon, saying now we have to drive up the coast and
    tell everybody. I am a little scared to tell my parents – this suddenness
    might only seem another strike against me. We told Avril and Maureen
    – they just stared – obviously thinking we both have lost our minds –
    it will take them awhile to believe in it.  I told Avril about Kentucky –
    she says she can handle the house; she can always rent out my
    room to a college student if she feels pinched. I want to leave some
    money with her – at least $1000 – had the brilliant idea to sell my car.
    Wouldn’t want to be impoverished in Kentucky and I don’t want to
    be on “retainer” from T.


    Last night I read Toss The Duel and his eyes
    filled with tears! He said the only flaw he sees in this arrangement
    is that one of us must surely predecease the other! Could it really
    happen? Could we grow old together? Could it be that I will never
    make love to another person? Wrote a short note to Bruce,
    telling him I will definitely be needing a divorce, sooner, rather
    than later. Now I am trying to write a short note to D; but honestly,
    what is there to say?   Summing up our relationship seems only
    to dismiss it. He has already fallen far, far back into the past. Toss is my future.


    The Duel

    Europe without you
    Was a funeral feast.
    I recall the procession of your letters
    Far better than
    The stream of luckless suitors
    Trying to distract me.
    Virgins aren’t distractible.
    Your seductive missives stalked me.
    Your fatal ploy was that nude photo
    Adam lonely in his garden.

    I came right home.
    I well recall the ceremonies
    Of that night!
    Your shyness
    My perfume
    Our ignorance
    Wild and hard
    A riderless horse.
    I did cry out as the candles burned.
    I swear there were some moments when
    We actually saw each other.
    But if this magic sword cuts both ways
    Why was I the only bleeder?
    They peeled me off
    And dropped me down a mile
    Of antiseptic hallway –
    A princess in a bucket.
    It could have ended there
    But at your school I haunted you
    A chilly-breasted demon.
    My daytime incarnation seemed mature:
    I fooled everyone;
    We chatted as you prepared the skin.
    I bit down hard and
    Tasted only
    Suture wire.
    You wrote and broke off
    Our association.
    Years groaned by
    Like convicts chained
    We served our terms with no time off
    For bad behavior.
    Lust had luster,
    Excrement was ecstasy.

    The castaways the whirlwind
    Flung upon the sand
    Were calm, polite
    We knew our way around. But
    That look you gave me!
    Our unborn children shivered
    In their sausage skins
    Fully aware
    Their time had come.
    The tale was done
    The frog-mask
    Shivered off
    We saw:
    The you of you
    The me of me –
    Masks
    Unmirrored
    Scars
    Unscored
    Virgins not but
    Innocence
    Restored.

  • Inspired Pleasure

    Diary of a Dancer

    2 PM 15 Feb 79 – Thurs
            Sleeting out. Feeling restless the way I do before I write

    a new book. Hauled out Bride & Wolves for a rewrite – tremendously
    impressed with my own talent! Development always was my problem (as in life).
    Greene’s Human has an odd, unfinished feel. Reviews did not prepare me for it
    in the least. I think they reviewed Greene rather than his book. More impressed
    by Margot Ruddock’s letter to Yeats in Ah, Sweet Dancer (which could be
    retitled Dirty Old Man.) She compares the “fickleness” of men to the fickleness
    of God! Can’t blame her if God insists on being male. Read Howatch’s Call
    In the Night     as a purgative. Going to see Country Wife tonight at U. Of Md.
    Usher sent me strange Valentine collage of Playboy photos, couples kissing, etc.
    Avril says “I give up on him. It’ll be a miracle if he can ever say what he wants.”


    Starlight Sat 18 Feb 79 – 11:10 AM
    Waiting for my bangs to curl at the start of a
    double. Had a nightmare where Devon performed marriage ceremony between
    me and some other guy! Right up to the end I kept thinking he was going to
    “rescue” me. Naturally he did not. “Psychic” about him as usual I got a letter
    saying he’s busy with this year’s Ladies Ski Team meaning he’s got 12 girls
    passionately in love with him and he plans to take his time to savor the field.
    Vengeful poem results:

    Cloverleaf
    Some roads lead nowhere;
    They’re my favorites.
    I held my breath while
    You drew my face in
    Blinding strokes and
    Creamed my mouth with curling lines
    Destroyed one picture; then another.
    Left at dawn while I
    Ran downstairs in circles, calling
    Raging, spending
    Nights without you,
    No blue thigh to guard
    My sleeping heart while yours looks out
    To gauge the coming storm.
    Now I’m trapped in cloverleaves
    Sentenced to school figures
     By endless angry judges.
    Every face I paint is yours; balked by
     An enervating past
    Of unlived lives.
    Open up the chilly ruffles
    Of my breasts
    To beauty; yours and mine and your
    Strange spine’s;
     A body so much lighter
    Than the mountain that you loved
     The course you learned
    Much better than you learned me.
    Overconfident that
     you’ll come back
    I float across the powdered snow;
    In bird-winged silence
    all-enveloping
    Unless I’m
    Lost and frozen like my heart?

                2 PM – Jervaze came in!  Ducked away momentarily

    from his fiancée. Glad he didn’t bring her in as I am having my period and feeling
    particularly fat and grumpy. My poor body’s been unloved for a month now and
    is falling to pieces. Still it was an enormous pleasure to see him. Someone
    for whom I apparently remain The Holy Grail.


    Tues. 6:45 PM 20 Feb 79
    Struggling against a vast undifferentiated depression.
    Going to treat it with diet and meditation. Reading Tapie’s Richelieu and Louis XIII.
    History a great cure for all who feel unlucky. Even being an aristo was
    no picnic. Avril accepted for both of us to go to Aunt Frederica’s party on
    the shore where she’s rented a house. Hitchman’s bio of Dorothy Sayers
    very bad book. Sayers wasn’t “in love” with Lord Peter, she was him!
    Will-to-power and dream logic. Trying to “bind” her two halves together
    when she made him marry Harriet. Had to re-read Sayers’ wonderful
    Unnatural Death (my favorite) to get the taste out of my mouth. Ah. Such
    pleasure. Painting till I’m exhausted then long walks with dogs through pretty
    Queens’ Chapel Manor. Haven’t seen a neighborhood this satisfying
    since Chevy Chase.


    Starlight Wed 21 Feb 79 – 11:45 AM
    Going through a phase where work feels like
    being beaten. Think it’s because no one is caring for my body. Will warmer
    weather turn the tide? I love my house but Marc Kramer is wrong – home ownership
    NOT the cure-all promised. The only difference I can see is I can no longer
    mess around financially. Nose permanently to grindstone.
    Reading John Dickson Carr’s Blind Barber. It is so
    awful. Why does anyone like him? Pass my time sewing red rhinestone
    buttons to my pink satin blouse. Yesterday clutch cable snapped – pedal
    became a dummy. Fortunately I was right NEXT to a gas station. Had to
    take a taxi home. Financial nightmare – more doubles to get my car out of
    hock? Turns out it’s not expensive. A. gives me ride to work, Eddy gives
    me ride to car. Leaning heavily on inner life. Efforts to live “outwardly” all
    seemingly result in hideous failure. Shopping list: pasties, carpet tape, stockings,
    cotton balls, liquid plumber, string bikini.


    Sat. 24 Feb 79
    Devon turned 30 today. Great house party at bungalow
    Aunt F rented on Mulberry Island. Interesting artist named Stockley there
    with an exciting mind but unworkable body. Fun to talk to though. He wears
    a hard hat and welds. Avril asked out by handsome redhead named John.
    Fingers crossed. Jervaze called to say he broke off his engagement. Uh oh.
    Macmillan says my novel “not their cup of tea”. Very sneery.


    Starlight Fri 2 Mar 79 – 2 PM
    Bought a pair of yellow overalls to write in. Hadn’t realized
    how thin I’ve gotten – I look fantastic. House (closing) magically lifts depression
    when it cost $900 less than I expected. I was fully ready to write these nice people
    a rubber check – Thank God that’s not necessary.
    Instead of wasting away in debtor’s prison, I get to compare
    myself to Sylvia Plath. What if in a panic, I married a party boy who fails to love T
    he Real Me? Wait, I did that. But I didn’t stay to wrestle with him and now I’m free.
    Could be much, much worse. Hang in there and go it alone. See it as a strength.
    Trying to apply for grants. There’s an art form all by itself. Avril’s redhead working
    out nicely. I don’t like his comments about his mother though. Is satisfactory
    sex possible with men who hate their mothers? Could be massive Red Flag.


    12:35 PM Tues Mar 6 – 79
    Sit down to chat with diary over lunch – can’t eat
    because scolding letter from agent gave me a stomachache. Didn’t I know it was
    unethical to allow several agents to consider me at the same time? I do see
    it’s a very beneficial for the agents to drag this process out so they end up
    doing all the choosing and not you. But since she’s the one I want I can’t say so.
    Play dumb, promise to Be Good in Future and throw my affairs entirely into
    her hands and let her speak for me. Silence frees the artist from “servile
    bondage to the world”, says Sontag.
    Letter from Devon saying he really respects me for
    buying a house (the opposite of what Mom thought would happen. He says
    it makes me more interesting. Or he’s just less scared I will show up on his
    doorstep.) Also he says “it’s been a bad ski season” and asking particularly
    about the men in my life, closing, ”I love you Alysse. Our relationship is the
    most important thing to me.” Whew! What are the odds that every girl on that
    team would turn out to be a lesbian? Or were they fooled by his aura of untouchable
    purity? Most girls would consider it a challenge but some lack the three hours
    necessary to defrost him. Still, they’re all out of their minds not to give him a
    whirl I must admit. Interesting how very much we each fear the other’s loss.


    11PM Starlight Wed 7 Mar 79
    Very down night. Only $70 so far. Need $600 to
    keep my bills current. Bryony wailing because the state took her children away.
    Sometimes seems like the pain of the helpless is smothering the world. Tony’s
    the bouncer tonight and he’s all for letting the men stick their bills down the girls’
    G-strings! No thank you. Wait till Gentleman Randy hears about this. Reading a bad
    German mystery – the mystery being why he wrote it, how it got published and
    why I’m reading it. Fantasizing celebrating spring by getting all my hair cut off.
    Hmmm. Jean Seberg? Could be sexy. Wish I’d brought Kafka’s Letters. Making
    huge floor pillows for my housewarming party. Longing to sink into classical music
    & bubble bath, followed by Oleg Cassini sheets & cup of diet cocoa. Having my
    own house really is a dream come true.


    Mon 20 Feb 79 – 12:20 AM
    Such a depressing party I got drunk just to be “out” of it. Avril
    & Ben making out in a corner all evening. Usher brought me books and a bird of
    paradise flower, Stockley gave me a beautifully framed tiny drawing of crustaceans
    but then cancelled that by attempting to corner me all evening. He covers up the
    soul he doesn’t believe in with a repellant fleshy brutality – life is kill and conquer –
    eat or be eaten. Honestly, now I’m scared of him. Afraid to even argue with him
    for fear of launching something irreversible. Luckily, he next fastened his lasers on
    Yvonne. Poor Yvonne. Save yourself, I should say. Plan to ask Paz to schedule
    me for just two nights. On a self-dare, I sent my poem about Rossetti’s model to Usher.

    LIZZIE SIDDALL: The Woeful Victory

    Be still or I can’t paint you.
    It is evening and
    I almost recognized you. Who are you
    Fair one? Your mouth is stuffed
    With poppy hair
    Fate coils between your breasts
    Like snakes. But
    Your tongue’s torn out.
    You must be the echo of my thoughts.

    (I am the motionless cradle.)

    Your flesh takes fire from my setting sun.
    Can you free me, O Lady of the Sundial?
    My eyes are growing dim.

    (Perfect love’s not found this side of heaven.)

    I shall paint you vermilion
    Butcher nightingales and use their tongues for brushes
    Melting foil & verdigris
    To the tune of Canterbury bells.
    Stay awhile, Fair one.
    I almost thought you spoke.

    (I am the face that rises from the pool
    to drag the drinker deep.)

    I will bury you in manuscripts, I will
    Visit when there’s time. Someday
    We might marry, but
    I am not whole, dear lady.
    I am not myself.
    Who are You?

    (I am thyself. What hast thou done?)