(SCENE 3: VAYRE appears crawling down the stage into the audience. Shines her light)
VAYRE
What was that? Anybody there? Rev? This isn’t funny, whoever you are! I’m warning you, I have a knife!
(Silence)
I’m armed and I’m desperate!
(Satisfied, she crawls to the first row, up and over the audience’s laps. At their reaction she goes rigid)
Help! It’s alive! Oh, my God!
(BO appears and works his way toward her. Her eyes are closed and she is planked out and screaming)
VAYRE
They’re all around me! Save yourself! Don’t let them touch you!
BO Ssh, it’s OK. It’s nothing really. Come on down. This way.
VAYRE
Oooo, I can’t look! They’re everywhere! I’m afraid to move!
BO
Come with me, I found a safe place we can sit.
VAYRE
Is it up high? Because it needs to be up high.
BO
It’s higher than here. Careful.
(Helps her up to sit on stage. She brushes herself off)
VAYRE
Did I get any on me? What WERE those? Were they like –
(shudders)
BATS?
(More hysterical)
DEAD BATS?
BO
Nah. Bones, maybe?
VAYRE
(Shrieks)
BONES!
BO
OLD bones. Ancient bones. More like fossils, probably. Or dry leaves?
VAYRE
(Shrieking)
YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BONES AND DRY LEAVES?
BO
What are you scaring yourself for? We’re all alone here.
(Gestures at the audience)
Whatever that was, it was completely inanimate.
VAYRE
(Calming her breathing with great effort)
Well it was totally disgusting, whatever it was. So who are you?
BO
You’re welcome.
VAYRE
OK, thank you – I guess. I mean for all I know you put that stuff there in some kind of revolting fraternity prank.
BO
Yeah, Hedj and I brought down ALL our funhouse equipment.
VAYRE
Well, it was mean!
BO
I was being sarcastic! We brought nothing but power bars. Want one?
VAYRE
Is it gluten free?
BO
(Inspecting a bar)
Chocolate chip. How does gluten free taste?
VAYRE
Like sawdust. But, see, that keeps me from eating them.
BO
Like a food totem. But what happens if you want actual food?
VAYRE
I ALWAYS want food!
BO
Seriously, we need to keep our strength up. Who knows how long we’re going to be down here?
VAYRE
Don’t say that!
BO
I mean, look at this; we’re lost already.
VAYRE
(Covering her ears and hammering her feet)
Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
(He waves a power bar under her nose)
BO
Chocolate chip!
(She accepts a bar, unwraps and eats it fanatically, breaking off small pieces and inspecting them carefully)
BO
That stuff can’t hurt you.
VAYRE
How do you know?
BO
I’m a doctor. Or going to be.
VAYRE
Impossible.
BO
As long as they don’t kick me out.
VAYRE
Why would they kick you out?
BO
The money thing.
VAYRE
There’s a money thing?
BO
There’s always a money thing. How could you not know this?
VAYRE
Well, I’m not here to be your on the job experience.
BO
Seriously, I delivered a baby once. In Guatemala. It wasn’t so scary.
(Thinks)
Actually, it was pretty scary!
VAYRE
Well, you won’t have to do that here! And I definitely don’t want to hear any more about it!
(Traumatized chewing. Awkward pause.)
BO
So… what’s your major?
VAYRE
(A practiced complainer)
It was supposed to be communication. But my advisor – I’m not lying – has such a bad speech impediment I can’t understand him! He’s the HEAD of the department! What does that tell you?
BO
They’re really poor communicators?
VAYRE
So obviously I’m having to change majors!
BO
(Laughs)
A speech impediment? How does THAT happen?
VAYRE
He has tenure! They can’t get rid of him! His student ratings are in the toilet! Maybe it’s an accent. I can’t even tell.
BO
How’d you sign on to communications and miss a thing like that?
VAYRE
You can’t think of everything. I paid close attention to four factors: expense, weather, distance, ambiance –
(Ticks it off on her fingers)
BO
Ambiance? You mean like the social life?
VAYRE
Ambiance is more subtle than social life. It’s like feng shui.
BO
You mean like mojo?
VAYRE
(A little exasperated)
Whatever that is. Like the mood of a place.
BO
Sounds to me like you should be a language major. Or Symbiotics. Something like that.
VAYRE
There’s no such thing as “Symbiotics”. Unless you mean semiotics and have you SEEN those people? They don’t want to have a job in the real world EVER. I can’t decide, but English major is definitely out. “Do you want fries with that?” I mean seriously. I want to meet interesting people. What do you think is good? Business?
BO
My first roommate was a business major. Business has bad, bad ambiance. You don’t want them. I’m just telling you.
VAYRE
You’re probably right. I just don’t want to be broke all my life.
BO
If we HAVE a life. I mean, we’ve got to get out of here.
VAYRE
Will you stop? Why am I always surrounded by negative thinkers? Of course we’re getting out! We’ll tunnel our way out if we have to!
BO
Engineering, there’s your major.
VAYRE
Isn’t that full of nerds? I warn you, I hate math.
BO
But math is so easy! You can look everything up.
VAYRE
Yeah, but you have to know what to look up. Don’t get me started.
(Silence while she chews and he thinks)
BO
Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you the brunette or the redhead? No offense, but down here everything looks different.
VAYRE
God, MEN! Better brush up on your bedside manner, buddy!
BO
(Taking this entirely the wrong way, he says seductively)
Wanna help?
(She gives him a push)
VAYRE
Aren’t doctors supposed to make people feel better?
BO
You have to be willing to feel worse, in order to feel better. A lot of people can’t get through the “worse” part.
VAYRE
Sounds medieval to me.
BO
Unless you’re a blonde.
(Holding and studying a lock of her hair)
It’s OK with me. I just really can’t tell in this light.
VAYRE
(Snatching her hair away)
Then let me put this in words on one syllable: There IS no blonde!
BO
Good! I hate blondes! I’m anti-blonde! I’m into redheads!
VAYRE
No redheads either! God, you guys are such idiots! How can you reject like, two thirds of the human race over hair color?
BO
One of you had red hair. I feel like this is false advertising.
VAYRE
I MAY have had colored extensions in my hair! For Party Night! You know! For fun. FOR DRESSING UP TO GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. So sue me!
BO
(Shines his flashlight directly at her like a cop)
I don’t know. You act like a redhead! There is TOO a redhead, and you’re her!
VAYRE
These are henna highlights if THAT’S what you mean. Why are men so pathetic?
BO
Well, I like them. They look good on you.
VAYRE
(Rapid mood change)
Really? You think? My roommate says I can’t get away with it because of my skin tone.
BO
She’s crazy. What’s the matter with your skin tone?
VAYRE
There’s nothing the MATTER with it. She just says I’m a Spring, is all.
BO
What’s THAT mean?
VAYRE
I’m supposed to wear pastels.
BO
That’s just the green meanies. Probably she’s a hosebeast and you’re so obviously not.
VAYRE
God, you frat boys are AWFUL!
(Slaps him)
BO
Hey! There’s no call for violence!
VAYRE
I’m just setting up the boundaries, is all.
BO
I’d complain to the sexual harassment police if we weren’t stuck in a cave miles underground. Hey, I’m the one who rescued you!
VAYRE
So you own me? By what law? Neanderthals versus the Sabines?
BO
You shouldn’t be attacking me, is all I’m saying.
VAYRE
You just want me to be putty in your hands.
BO
You WERE putty in my hands.
VAYRE
I was not!
BO
Nice way to treat the guy who rescued you from your panic attack seizure disorder hissy fit or whatever that was that you were having.
VAYRE
It wasn’t a panic attack! And it certainly wasn’t a seizure, Dr. Death!
BO
Claustrophobia, then, all right? I used to have claustrophobia. When I was little.
VAYRE
You have a genius for making people feel worse. You’re going to get an A in that part of the program.
BO
(Smiles at her endearingly)
I got over the claustrophobia. Now I’m just afraid of the dark.
(She’s still suspicious, but mollified.)
VAYRE
Then why dare us to come down here?
BO
(Killer grin)
To give you a chance to rescue me.
VAYRE
Sounds more like you’re self-destructive.
BO
I met a beautiful girl in a bar who said she was going caving.
VAYRE
Go on.
BO
She was drinking this stuff like liquid ice cream.
VAYRE
Was not but continue.
BO
These little drops of ice cream kept forming on her upper lip…
(Stares pointedly at her upper lip.)
VAYRE
(Mongoose to his snake)
So you got an idea.
BO
More than an idea. It was like a shock of recognition.
VAYRE
A shock of recognition?
BO
Like thinking, This is where I come in!
VAYRE
What does that mean?
BO
Have you ever had that moment where you know exactly what you’re supposed to do?
VAYRE
Maybe. It doesn’t feel that good.
BO
Oh, this felt good!
VAYRE
You don’t think it was a terrible idea?
BO
Seems more brilliant to me every second. So half of me bullied the other half of me –
VAYRE
You bullied yourself? How does that work?
BO
I have to strong-arm myself or I would never do anything.
VAYRE
(Getting closer to him)
You have a split personality. Like a private self and a public self? I totally get that. But which one of you is pre-med?
BO
The good one.
VAYRE
Wow! I see we’re into the “feel good” part of your practice?
BO
Feels good to me.
(They are close together now)
VAYRE
I am curious about how you taste.
(They kiss lightly, he attempts more, she fends him off, laughing)
VAYRE
Maybe I’ll go Early Ed.
BO
Early Ed?
VAYRE
Because wild animal wrangling isn’t an option.
BO
Seriously, wasn’t that nice?
VAYRE
(Holding him by his collar)
It was very nice.
BO
(He likes this. Leaning forward to sniff her hair)
Plenty more where that came from!
VAYRE
We can’t allow ourselves to get sidetracked! We have a job to do.
BO
(Completely forgetful)
Which is?
VAYRE
Find our friends and get out of here!
BO
Right! I know I got what I came for.
VAYRE
One kiss? One kiss is all you came for?
BO
Seems like. Now I feel like I could do anything!
VAYRE
That’s your split personality talking!
BO
(Earnestly)
Split personality means I work twice as hard.
(They nuzzle)
VAYRE
You should have just asked me out for coffee.
BO
When?
VAYRE
Instead of all this.
BO
I was scared of your friend.
VAYRE
(Laughs)
Rev? She can be intense. I’m the only one who can stand to room with her. She’s pre-law.
BO
She is?
(Laughs)
That’s so funny. So was my buddy.
VAYRE
Don’t say “was”. Stop acting like we’re all gonna die down here.
BO
He struggles with grades, that’s all. Dyslexic or something. So… you want to go out for coffee huh?
VAYRE
I’m up for anything if we can only get out of here. Oh no!
(Feels in her pockets)
Oh God, God!
(She is really panicked now)
BO
What’s wrong?
(She clutches him – he loves being clutched)
VAYRE
(Hissing)
It’s back there!
BO
(Playing with her hair, studying her neck)
What is?
VAYRE
My map, stupid! The fossils must have taken it! I can’t believe it!
BO
You had a map?
VAYRE
I was trying to keep track of distances. I love measuring. It soothes me.
BO
You like measuring? Wow.
VAYRE
I LOVE making curtains. And bedspreads!
BO
But that uses math.
VAYRE
(She shakes him)
I…LOST…MY…MAP!
BO
No need to panic. I’ll go get it for you.
(Starts to rise)
VAYRE
You will?
BO
Sure. No problem.
VAYRE
No, no!
(She grabs him. He loves being grabbed)
BO
Why not? It’s just right over there.
VAYRE
The monsters are over there!
BO
I GUARANTEE you those things aren’t alive.
VAYRE
But I’m so afraid you won’t come back.
BO
You are? Wow!
VAYRE
I heard something AWFUL over there. Like snorting!
BO
Snorting?
VAYRE
And wheezing!
BO
(Braggadocio)
Nah! Come with me, you’ll see it’s no big deal!
(VAYRE starts to shake)
VAYRE
That was the scaredest I’ve ever been in my LIFE. I can’t bear to even THINK about it. I don’t know how you can be so brave.
BO
You’re making me brave.
VAYRE
Looks like we need each other.
BO
Definitely. Teamwork. Foundation of the universe.
VAYRE
Here’s an idea. I tie my rope to you.
BO
Wow! Bondage huh?
VAYRE
No, listen. This is a good idea. Teamwork! If you tug three times I’ll give you more rope and if I tug three times you’ll come back.
BO
Why three times?
VAYRE
So you can tell it wasn’t an accident. Seriously, I’ve got 240 feet of rope here. Don’t you think that’s enough?
BO
How many times do I tug for a monster?
VAYRE
Not funny!
BO
My name’s Bo, by the way.
VAYRE
I know. I investigated you.
BO
You did? Wow!
VAYRE
I care who I’m down in a deep dark cave with. My name’s Wendy Vayre.
(They shake; she unties rope from her waist)
BO
Bo Darcy at your service. And may I say no map is as important as getting to know YOU.
VAYRE
You’ve got a smooth line!
BO
Haven’t I, though?
VAYRE
You think this – a mixer? Is everything a hookup with you guys?
BO
You give me great ideas, I give you great ideas. The ultimate hookup! How about this one? We merge initiations!
(She looks skeptical)
Maybe I’m not expressing myself very well.
VAYRE
Express yourself better.
BO
Couples connect in this cave just like we did. We could call it “Night Problems!”
VAYRE
We are NOT connecting up!
BO
We TOTALLY are. And it’s the only way anybody ever accomplished anything. I know you feel it too.
VAYRE
Why can’t you see merging initiations is insanely dangerous? Coming down here at all is insanely dangerous. Our gnawed, bleached bones are going to star in some “Don’t go clubbing” movie!
BO
Never happen. Call me an optimist.
VAYRE
You ARE an optimist, aren’t you?
(She starts tying a rope around him)
I like that in a man.
BO
Takes optimism to get the job done.
VAYRE
Remember, three tugs –
BO
Got it. Three tugs if —
(He stops himself)
VAYRE
What! Say it!
BO
Nothing!
VAYRE
You better not start in about the monsters again.
BO
Three tugs if I need you and you give three tugs if you need me.
VAYRE
I can live with that.
BO
Tie the other end to yourself. I don’t want us to get separated.
(They kiss. She gives him a little shove.)
VAYRE
Better get going. Be safe.
(BO begins to crawl towards the audience.)
Alysse Aallyn 