SCENE 4: (Lights down on this couple and up on Back of Stage where HEDJ is splashing in a stream)
HEDJ
Help! Help! Help!
(REV appears, tries to lasso him)
REV
Stop struggling!
HEDJ
Stop struggling and DROWN? That’s all you’ve got to say?
REV
Lift up your arms!
(Finally gets the rope over him, hauls him out. He is soaking wet.)
HEDJ
(Moaning)
God, God, Oh God. I saw the white light.
REV
That white light was ME rescuing your ass.
(Touches her miner’s light)
HEDJ
No, this was different. I SAW people.
REV
Dead people?
HEDJ
My third grade teacher – dead or alive – I couldn’t say.
REV
That’s a weird person to see!
HEDJ
Isn’t it?
(He starts to undress)
That current is killer – you wouldn’t think to look at it but I’m warning you, it’s like its TRYING to drown you.
REV
(Flabbergasted)
Don’t you dare strip! Why do men want to show everyone their equipment?
HEDJ
We like comparing equipment. Seriously, though, I can’t wear these disgusting slimy clothes one more second.
(Strips down to his boxers)
My button-fly’s are decent.
(Throws the clothes a distance)
Don’t touch those. Bo would say they’re full of invisible leech babies!
REV
You are disgusting. I don’ t want to touch you or your disgusting slimy clothes. Do you have leeches on you?
HEDJ
(He peers down the front of his pants)
Shine your light down here.
REV
I will not!
HEDJ
Then no.
(Snaps his elastic band with a satisfying “thwap”)
REV
Cover yourself up.
(She hands him her hoodie, which he dons. Its flower print looks utterly fem – plus it’s child-sized – and doesn’t meet in front)
HEDJ
Thanks. I lost everything, including my watch! It was a good watch. Graduation gift.
REV
You haven’t graduated yet!
HEDJ
From high school! It had three time zones and a calculator.
REV
Nothing works down here.
HEDJ
Lucky we have an inborn time and distance sense located right behind our eyeballs.
REV
Where’d you get that idea?
HEDJ
I read my assignments. Unlike some people.
REV
Well I read about it too and what I read is, if you don’t use it you lose it.
HEDJ
How do you know I haven’t been using mine?
REV
Because you FELL into an underground STREAM.
HEDJ
It was dark! I got sucked in and swept off my feet!
REV
We haven’t been down here long enough to get lost.
HEDJ
How can you be sure? Prisoners totally lose track of time. They did this experiment where –
REV
I know that one. They made some poor guy think fifteen hours was a twenty-four hour day.
HEDJ
It wasn’t fifteen hours.
REV
Approximately.
HEDJ
You think you know everything, don’t you?
REV
I obviously didn’t know enough to stay out of this freakin’ cave.
HEDJ
Maybe we’ve been down here for days.
REV
We have NOT been down here for days! You can tell that! How many times have you gone to the bathroom, for example?
HEDJ
God knows.
REV
Yuck! Do men pee constantly without even knowing it?
HEDJ
(Very interested)
You mean like bats?
REV
Is that what bats do? Omigod. Let’s agree not to use the “b” word. My partner gets very upset.
HEDJ
So you ARE gay.
REV
God! What is it with frat boys! We are NOT GAY. ALL SORORITY GIRLS ARE NOT GAY.
HEDJ
How do you know until you try? Seriously.
REV
Well are YOU gay? WE thought you were.
HEDJ
Would we be DOWN here risking all this danger if we were gay?
REV
Don’t you realize that’s offensive?
HEDJ
It’s OK be gay! I love gay people! Seriously, you should check it out. I would if I were you.
REV
You’re making me want my hoodie back.
(He makes a move to disrobe, she stops him)
REV
Forget it. Are you like a nudist or something?
HEDJ
I could be.
REV
Never mind. Let’s just get out of here.
HEDJ
Don’t we have to find the other two?
REV
I wasn’t suggesting abandoning them! Vayre! She was right here a minute ago.
HEDJ
Bo! Buddy! Come back!
REV
THAT was half-hearted.
HEDJ
Well he’s upstream like a mile.
REV
(Very dejected)
Don’t say that! We’ll find them!
HEDJ
This cave is bigger than we thought. It’s DAMN big.
REV
It’s huge!
HEDJ
It’s got a river!
REV
That river is making this cave bigger!
(They both shout for their friends with an edge of panic)
HEDJ
BO!
REV
VAYRE!
HEDJ
I don’t think sound travels well down here.
REV
So that means they STILL could be close.
HEDJ
(Checking out his forearm)
I was making a map on my arm with a Sharpie –
(Checks it)
Gone!
REV
Wow! You couldn’t think to use a permanent marker? Lucky I’ve been making a map, and it’s right here.
(Takes a piece of paper out of her breast pocket – it disintegrates in her hands)
Oh my God!
HEDJ
Who gives themselves a temporary tattoo with a permanent marker? You’d have me covered with random girls’ phone numbers.
(Snatching at the pieces)
Not like YOU’RE doing such a good job! It’s illegible!
REV
This is your fault! I got SOAKED saving YOUR sorry ass!
HEDJ
Hey, I’m sorry, but obviously you made the right decision.
REV
What are you talking about? That map was WAY more important than some layer tattooed in random girls’ phone numbers!
HEDJ
Hey!. I’m dyslexic! Its very easy for me to transpose numbers. But that hasn’t held me back ONE BIT because I’ve got Strategy.
REV
You’ve got Strategy, have you? Ok, let’s see some.
HEDJ
Well, for one thing there’s two of us figuring out how to get out of here. Right away that doubles our chances. When we find the others, it DOUBLES AGAIN. Particles in a bound state have more energy.
REV
I’m not getting into a bound state with you! So where’s this other guy?
HEDJ
We split up so we could cover more ground. He absolutely hated the idea.
(Shouts)
Bo! You were right! I’m sorry.
(They listen to the echo)
REV
Maybe they found the way out.
HEDJ
Bo wouldn’t do that.
REV
Even if they tried looking for us and stepped out into daylight instead, do you think they’d turn around and rush back in?
HEDJ
At least they’d get help!
REV
I can hear them at the police station now. “How long have your friends been gone?” They don’t do anything for like seventy-two hours.
HEDJ
This water must pour out somewhere. Maybe we should follow it?
REV
To really follow it, we’d have to get into it.
HEDJ
Water talk is making me thirsty. Got any?
REV
I don’t know if I want your parasitic slimy lips all over my water bottle!
HEDJ
Just squirt it in my mouth!
(Gets down to beg with mouth open like a baby bird. REV takes out her water bottle)
HEDJ
Well, if that’s all you’ve got you might as well just give it to me!
REV
Hey! This is all we’ve got for the two of us!
HEDJ
One squirt!
(She squirts some water at his mouth – it gets on his face)
Girls! Your aim is horrible! I’m like a foot away!
REV
You keep moving your face! Just take it already!
(She gives him the water bottle, turns away to think)
We can only go forwards by going backwards. We have to figure out where we came from.
HEDJ
You won the easy way! We crawled down a tunnel!
REV
It was NOT the easy way! That hole was crumbling in on itself. We can’t get back that way, even if we could find it.
HEDJ
Well, I’m not re-tracing that water ride. It’s a chute to hell.
(Shudders)
It was like the world collapsed in on itself.
REV
I’m not scared of a little water.
HEDJ
We have to BELIEVE we can get out. This cave has been here for millions of years, so…
REV
According to Heisenberg —
HEDJ
Don’t you quote Heisenberg at me!
REV
Then what about Occam’s Razor?
HEDJ
What’s that got to do with anything? Reasoning from general cases doesn’t lead to knowledge? DOESN’T help us here!
REV
That’s not what Occam’s Razor says!
HEDJ
It is so!
REV
It is not! I’m pre-law and I know! Occam’s Razor says the simplest idea’s the likeliest!
HEDJ
You’re pre-law? Wow! So am I!
REV
So act like it! How do we get out of here?
HEDJ
By facing facts, that’s how. Let’s not go near the river of slime.
REV
“River of slime”? Wow. It’s like a metaphor for life!
HEDJ
Or a metaphor for college! See? I’m an idea guy.
REV
A METAPHOR-guy. A metaphorical guy.
HEDJ
Hey, stick with me. I’m the meta-guy.
(Drains the bottle then tosses it away)
REV
I’m arresting you for littering.
HEDJ
Go ahead! Lock me up!
REV
You know, you’re one bad idea after another.
HEDJ
Hey! Coming down here was YOUR idea.
REV
Well, exploring was YOUR idea! This was supposed to be a simple recon and not the Bataan Death March.
HEDJ
Don’t quote history at me.
REV
Go ahead! Rewrite history if you don’t like it. It’s what your gender does best.
HEDJ
So you’re like one of those femi-Nazis?
REV
I know how to stand up for myself is all.
HEDJ
Well, law is about finding the truth. I don’t believe in rewriting anything. More information beats less information. Every time.
REV
Except for burnout and information overload.
HEDJ
And that’s relevant how?
REV
If we’re trapped between getting MORE lost and a river of slime I say we should stay put and let them find us.
HEDJ
Maybe we should produce a constant noise? We could sing or something.
REV
Vibrations could cause a cave-in!
HEDJ
But I’m High-T! I’ve got to do SOMETHING!
REV
What an infant! “Blame the testosterone.”
(She sits down, defeatedly.)
HEDJ
So we should do nothing? That’s your solution?
REV
We respect the environment and don’t make things worse.
(He sits down beside her. She looks at floor and he looks at ceiling.)
HEDJ So…do you have a boyfriend?
REV
You know very well I don’t have a boyfriend! We know all about your “Stud Book!”
HEDJ
You can’t! I mean, we don’t call it that!
REV
I’ve seen it. Where you rate and rank us down to the smallest detail. So why did I rank “Kill?”
HEDJ
Hey, I didn’t vote for that.
REV
I don’t get “marry” status? Not even “pity date”?
HEDJ
See how you’re so mad right now? And you criticize everything? I have to tell you guys hate that.
REV
I’m discriminating, is all. Discerning. Girls would never get mad if your crew didn’t always act like a bunch of five year olds on a field trip at the zoo!
HEDJ
Ah, we just love yanking your chain. Remember that nerd you used to date?
REV
Bruce?
HEDJ
Yeah, that guy. You pissed him off when you broke up with him. He stuffed the ballot box.
REV
I didn’t break up with HIM! He was dating another girl! Obviously the relationship was over!
HEDJ
Well, we don’t see it that way.
REV
If I was dating both you AND another guy you would!
(He seems to acknowledge the truth of this.)
Blame the testosterone again?
HEDJ
It’s a psychoactive drug, am I right? Turns us into cavemen.
REV
And guess what! Here we are in a cave!
HEDJ
You know you have a problem with tone.
REV
We’re stuck in a cave and I have a problem with TONE?
HEDJ
Yeah, to be frank. This whole self-presentation is just not working for you. You’re coming off as way too butch.
REV
This butch RESCUED you, buddy!
HEDJ
I’m just saying, nobody likes a nag.
REV
You’re not even a very good caveman!
(HEDJ who was lounging, sits up)
HEDJ
Oh, I’m a bad caveman now?
REV
Since we’re being honest.
HEDJ
You know, I can’t believe you’re pre-law. I had you pegged for like, drill team.
REV
That is not a concentration! Didn’t bother to put majors in your Stud Book, did you? Didn’t seem important, I guess! My bra-size though – you care deeply about THAT.
HEDJ
(He’s been sizing her up)
Are you as aroused right now as me?
REV
More!
(Mutual lunge, start kissing passionately. Kissing turns into fighting.)
REV
We should so NOT be doing this.
HEDJ
(More slapping, more kissing, grunting as dialog is punctuated by kisses and grabs; each trying to pin the other)
Give me one good reason.
REV
Because we’ll hate ourselves in the morning?
HEDJ
But what if we love ourselves?
REV
Men are so changeable, is the problem.
HEDJ
And women aren’t?
(He almost gets on top – she flips him)
You’re so totally not my type.
REV
And you’re not anybody’s type.
HEDJ
I’m everybody’s type. I’ve had a lot more girls than you.
REV
Plus, you’re a slut! Mister, if you “had” people, you didn’t “get” anything.
(She manages to pin him, gasps exhaustedly, then he flips her. Falls off her. Exhausted mutual panting.)
HEDJ
What if we both agree to stay on the bottom?
(Removing each other’s clothes)
REV
This is SUCH a bad idea. I mean, where can this lead?
HEDJ
(Tender kissing)
Bad places. Bad, bad places.
REV
You’re not protected and I’m not protected.
HEDJ
We are so, so unprotected.
REV
Completely vulnerable. I hope this isn’t just because we’re desperate.
HEDJ
Desperation is the human condition. Actually, I feel a lot less desperate round you.
REV
Why’s that?
HEDJ
Because I like to measure everything but you can’t measure a superposition.
REV
You can if you practice restraint.
HEDJ
Tantric entanglement, here I am!
(They wrestle and pant, exhausted.)
REV
Pick one quick: dream or a nightmare?
HEDJ
Fantasy! Glorious sex fantasy! Plus, our hooking up makes it SO MUCH more likely our friends will find us.
REV
How do you figure?
HEDJ
We emit a measurable glow. Plus, Bo ALWAYS interrupts just when I’m getting it on.
REV
We are not getting it on!
HEDJ
Whatever we ARE doing, is fabulous.
REV
We must have a plan.
HEDJ
So you’re a planner? As well as a mega-woman?
REV
I’ve gotten everything I wanted through planning.
HEDJ
Wow! I have to say I love that in a girl.
REV
You do?
HEDJ
Because I’m the strategy guy!
REV
You are? You? So this was all part of a strategy?
HEDJ
A fantasy strategy! I’ve always wanted to be at the mercy of some sexually rapacious, gorgeous girl.
REV
You think I’m gorgeous?
HEDJ
Yes. Oh, yes. Plus you are really, really hot.
(Mutual kissyface)
REV
I guess I should be glad video doesn’t work down here.
HEDJ
Too bad! No one will believe it happened.
REV
So we’ll have do it again.
HEDJ
And again and again.
(Tender kissing)
REV
It’s like you’re the last man on earth and I’m the last woman.
(They look at each other hotly — overwhelmed by frantic passion. Lights out on this couple, up on BO who has made it into the audience)
Alysse Aallyn 