The End!
(SCENE 8. Lights up on our sleeping couple. BO and VAYRE emerge from the other side of the stage.)
BO
There they are!
(HEDJ sits up but does not rise)
HEDJ
Finally!
BO
Yeah, I see how hard you were looking for us!
HEDJ
Buddy, I got swept away by a RIVER of SLIME! What’s your excuse?
REV
(Opening her eyes sleepily)
I can’t believe dream telepathy actually works!
(Noting the rope)
How come you two are all tied up?
BO
So we wouldn’t get separated!
(Strikes his forehead)
Boom! You’re welcome!
REV
Wow! How romantic!
HEDJ
Seriously we DREAMED you into finding us. Boom!
(Strikes his forehead)
You’re welcome!
(The two men square off)
BO
While you were DREAMING we were searching! Guess which takes more effort?
HEDJ
It’s work SMARTER, not HARDER!
VAYRE
Well, WE fell into a pile of bat carcasses!
BO
I rescued her!
REV
Disgusting? Or romantic? Why are those two so often the same?
VAYRE
What got you so sleepy all of a sudden?
REV
Rescuing HIS sorry ass from the river of slime!
HEDJ
(Jovially)
I lost everything!
(REV & HEDJ hug)
BO
Way to go!
(He & HEDJ high five while the girls roll their eyes)
VAYRE
We’ll never get out of now. We just keep getting deeper. It’s hopeless.
(This makes HEDJ scramble to his feet)
HEDJ
I bet you weren’t even searching for us! You were just trying to get out. Some friend you are. What happened to the Bro Code?
BO
Think I should have jumped in for a swim, like you did? I had a beautiful girl to look after!
REV
Wow. This guy’s special!
VAYRE
Isn’t he? He’s a keeper!
HEDJ
LUCKILY my brain is more powerful than yours!
(The men look like they might fight.)
VAYRE
Guys, stop it. Everyone found everyone and now we have to find a way out. Four brains are better than one.
HEDJ
We could look for a shortcut.
BO
And BACK to the stupid ideas!
VAYRE
This better not be another digging scenario.
HEDJ
No, smart thinking, not hard thinking.
(Taps his forehead)
We need to look for a wormhole.
BO
You are kidding me!
REV
No, seriously, listen to him! He brought you here by MENTAL TELEPATHY! I didn’t think it would work either!
VAYRE
Like a wormhole with WORMS?
HEDJ
No. Quantum tunneling!
REV
Quantum tunneling? Is that a thing?
VAYRE
Like an energy path to another dimension.
BO
Science fiction!
REV
But I liked the old dimension!
VAYRE
Did you? Did you REALLY?
VAYRE
(Holding BO’s hand)
Until I had Bo.
REV
Nobody ever “has” ANYBODY!
(HEDJ holds up REV’s hand)
HEDJ
But you and I have each other! So, see? We’re in another dimension already!
BO
Any way out is a way out that WORKS is all right with me. The proof is in the pizza.
VAYRE
Tacos.
BO
Whatever.
REV
How do you find a wormhole? How do you even recognize one?
HEDJ
They’re reflective, like one of those mirrored balls. It’s a curve.
BO
Oh, for Christ’s sake!
REV
It sounds CRAZY!
HEDJ
Hey, I studied physics! I’m not making this stuff up – some guy at Caltech discovered it. What’s the point of a million dollar education if you never use what you learn?
VAYRE
It just sounds so impossible.
BO
If they exist, how come I’ve never seen one?
REV
How do you know you haven’t? You probably thought it was a garden ball!
HEDJ
They can’t exist where people congregate, otherwise it would already have been discovered. You have to look for a wormhole where no one has ever been. This is the perfect place!
REV
So what are we supposed to do when we see one?
HEDJ
Jump in!
BO
Says the man who JUMPED into a RIVER of SLIME!
REV
But wouldn’t we be like – destroyed? Blasted apart?
HEDJ
No. The curved, reflecting properties keep the energy stable. You wouldn’t want a wormhole that DOESN’T look like a garden ball.
VAYRE
But where do they go?
HEDJ
Anywhere. Forward, the past, different worlds – who knows?
REV
But if they are stable theoretically that means we COULD return.
I mean, if we wanted to.
HEDJ
Sure. Why not?
BO
That’s if we WANTED to.
VAYRE
We could return prepared! Like with better equipment! I don’t know about you but I’ve never been prepared. For anything.
REV
Equipment would be nice. ANY equipment would be nice.
VAYRE
I don’t want to go back into the past before fake nails or dishwashers.
REV
Or birth control or dentists.
BO
Don’t worry about that. Time travel CAN’T happen!
HEDJ
And why’s that?
BO
Because of the grandmother paradox! Because you’d mess up your own birth, that’s why!
REV
(Separating them)
Let’s agree that nothing that CAN’T happen will happen! OK? You’re officially arguing about NOTHING.
HEDJ
Guess I’m a born lawyer, too!
VAYRE
(Shining her light upwards)
If it would reflect a face, wouldn’t it reflect light?
BO
I guess it would have to.
REV
But how can we see everywhere?
HEDJ
We can see everywhere because there are four of us! It’s like the magic number!
VAYRE
Got it!
(They link arms backwards, leaning out)
HEDJ
Rev, shine your light up there.
REV
I think I see something.
VAYRE
But it’s too far up.
HEDJ
We’ll have to investigate. Rev’s good with a lasso.
REV
Thanks but there’s nothing up there to hold onto.
BO
We could climb if we all work together.
VAYRE
Let’s make a pyramid!
(They mimic climbing, building a series of yearning, reaching pyramids with each getting a chance for the top and seeming to haul the next up after)
BO
Hold my hand!
VAYRE
I think I see something!
HEDJ
Grab on!
REV
Here we go!
BO
Oh, my God what’s that?
(Breathing heavily they drop to their knees in a tight knot looking out at the audience. Lights in the theatre suddenly go up and the four gasp with astonishment, vault joyously to their feet)
ALL TOGETHER
Wow!
LIGHTS.
END
Alysse Aallyn 