Cuck’d: a play

Emily & Darla Sleepover

Darla’s bedroom. (Darla sprawled on canopy bed. Enter Emily carrying a big bowl of popcorn – both girls wear pajamas)

Darla
Oh, Emily, I’m in love!

(rolls from side to side)

Why didn’t you tell me
What passion is like?
You’ve been holding
Out on me!

Emily
Cool your tits, Angel.
You tell ME
What IS love like?
I’ve never felt it.

Darla

(sits up abruptly)

Oh, stop it! What you been
Doing with Victor
Ever since grade school!

Emily
Can’t seem to escape him.

Darla
Oh Emily
Don’t be such a stone face.
Did you fight with Victor?
You know
I’m ALWAYS on your side.
Relationships take work.

Emily
That’s what they say.
I just realized Victor and I
Have nothing in common.

Darla
If you’re wanting out
Just tell him to go.
I did it with Rocky. It
Wasn’t so hard.
He made boo-hoo faces
And then it was over.

Emily

(Sad laugh)

It’s too late now. There’s no point.
You know Victor – he’d make
My life hell. Besides –
Auditioning new guys
Turns girls into sluts.
It ain’t worth it. I’ll wait
Till college to make a fresh start.

Darla
So tell me, Emily
‘Cause I’m growing up and
I need to know –
Did you do it? Do
“The nasty?”

Emily
Not TECHNICALLY
Telling the truth
“Plausible deniability”.

When my Gran asks –
And she asks all the time –
I want to deny it.

Darla
That’s too bad.
I’m not judging.
Believe me. It just sounds
Kinda sad. Maybe Victor’s NOT
Right for you. I always thought
I’d wait till marriage. But lately
I BEEN FEELING it… Feeling that
Tingle.

(she shivers all over)

Emily
Which tingle is that?

Darla

(Touches her thighs)

THIS tingle. Like
I want to get WITH him
And let him release me.
I got fire building up inside –
I’m so sick of virginity
It’s really exhausting.
I just long to be HELD –
You know – penetrated –
INFUSED.

Emily
Wow, girl!
You feel that for Oscar?

Darla

(Falls back dreamily)

I want to give myself
TOTALLY. Let him
Strip me stark naked and do
Whatever he wants.

Emily
Whoa girl! Believe me
There’s only one thing they want.
And you could be sorry.
Forever after.

Darla
Oh, who cares? Gotta woman up
At some point. I’m facing
Maturity. Sick
Of seeing a world through
Saran-Wrap and
Being called “Ice Rink”.
You KNOW that’s what they call me –
Don’t you deny it
I’m starting to get
Freezer burn!

(They both laugh)

Emily
But girl, it’s so random!
Why now? And why him?

Darla
It’s not random AT ALL!
Have you seen Oscar?
He’s so DREAMY
You can tell right away he’s different
He’s so handsome and big!

Emily
That’s not new.

Darla
He’s so sweet –

Emily
So is Clint. So is Cody.

Darla
But they don’t like real girls.
They want “avatars”.
Or each other.
Or whatever.

Emily
Rocky adored you.

Darla
Rocky’s a faker.
Rocky’s a fake MAN.
They’re all little boys.

Emily
I think I know what you mean
Darla – and Victor – he’s
The worst of the lot.

Darla
I’ll help you get away
Anytime you want.

Emily
He’s a cheater.

Darla
I think he likes bragging.
Heard him talk about Brandy! He’s SO
Disrespectful.

Emily
But Brandy’s a slut.
You gotta admit.

Darla

(Fingering her cross)

She’s a real human person.

(Moonily)

Oscar’s so sympathetic
Oscar CRIES easily!
His tears are for real.
He’s not ashamed
To weep right in front of me.
Those others are posers.

Emily
I know THAT’s true. We’re all
Trying for something we’re not.

Darla
You’re too hard on yourself,
Emily, you think too much
And that’s the truth.

Emily
High school is hell.

Darla
But maybe it can be different!
I mean, if people are
Respectful.
Oscar’s a MAN
Who honors his women
He puts them on
Pedestals!

Emily
So why did he cry?

Darla
When I took his ring.
If you could have been there!
He has such soft eyes, but
He’s so manly, and he’s
So talented! Did you see
His football workout? Gorgeous
Deep chest, long thighs
With dimples, and
He treats me so well!

(She whispers)

He calls me his Queen!

Emily

(laughing)

Girl, you’ve got it bad.

Darla
But Oscar is special!
Oh, Emily, admit!
He went down on ONE KNEE
To ask me to prom!
What guy here would do that?

Emily
You’re right. They’re all
Cunts.

Darla
But aren’t cunts all female?

Emily
Cunts are anyone two-faced
Vicious and scheming.

Darla
But WE’RE not like that.

Emily
Some girls are and
You know it
Shamers and
Haters. Plotters and
Backstabbers.
Jealous and
Mean.

Darla
You shouldn’t say that.
I want Oscar
To love my poor cunt
That’s never been loved
Not once in its life.

Emily
OmiGOD Darla
You’re courting disaster!
Who’d think those words
Would come out of the mouth
Of Darla the prude!

Darla

(laughing)

I know, right?
My Dad would DIE!

Emily
EVERYONE would die!

Darla
I would get a labia ring
If Oscar wanted me to.

Emily
Darla! You’re
CRAZY!

Darla
Of course I’m crazy!
Oh Emily, you know
What I’m feeling
Love is magic, Love is
Powerful, Love
Dignifies everything. To tell you the truth
I don’t think my poor Dad
Ever had it – Most
Grownups don’t and that’s why
Old folks conspire
For us to be lonely
And empty and withered
And just be
Like them.

Emily
You could be right there.

Darla
Well, Oscar’s no cunt and
He’s not a prick either: He’d
Love me so gentle
I’d never be scared.
He kisses so tender…
Says we’re “touring heaven”.

Emily
Oh wow. Now I’m jealous.

Darla
Every girl deserves this!
We DESERVE to be courted.
Get our flowers, our
Moonlight,
Chocolate kisses,
Body healing.

Emily
Victor would say it’s
“Low-T”.

Darla
You’ve got to
Get rid of that guy!
That guy’s a menace!
His mind poisons everything
And the other guys follow
Then WE’RE the ones begging.

Emily
Darla! YOU’VE
Never had to beg.

Darla
And I’ve been alone
Taking my gay cousin to dances
Year after year
Fighting off Cody
Then fighting off Rocky.
I’ve never wanted to
“Play the game” –
That’s why we’re friends ‘cause
You don’t either.
The boys want us to –
What’d you call it?
They want us to
“Audition” and you –

Emily
Prefer the hell that I know.
I see what you mean. Sure hope
College is different.

Darla
Don’t we deserve
Real love?
Doesn’t Brandy?

Emily
Hey girl you’re converting
Me. Maybe we’ve been unlucky
In this depraved gene pool.
Maybe someplace
Nerds blossom –
Want girls instead of video –
And the guys you can talk to
Become the guys you can cuddle.

Darla
I’ll drink to that!
Wine cooler?
I’ve got peach and I’ve
Got pineapple.

(loudly opens a pair of cans – they toast. Darla says dreamily)

I don’t need college
I’ll go where Oscar goes.
If he asks me to marry him
I would say yes.

(Emily sits on the bed stuffing popcorn like she’s at the movies)

Emily
You are TOO MUCH,
Darla! You go girl!
But I gotta say I hope
We all sober up someday.

Darla
I guess I’m just high.
I’m high on LO-OOVE.

Emily
You are hormonal is what.
But I kind of like it
Crazy. I mean what kind of world
Would we have if girls could make choices
And guys weren’t
Trying to trick us?
It’d be PARADISE.

Darla
Now you see what I mean!
Some guys are so rare
When you know
You just KNOW! Emily,
Tell me the truth.
Do you think I’m beautiful?

Emily
EVERYONE thinks you’re beautiful
You should KNOW
That by now. If you have no confidence
There’s no hope for the rest of us
That’s for sure.

Darla
It’s what Oscar thinks
That worries me.
Seen pix of his family?

(Emily shakes her head)

Six sisters – gorgeous and dark
Multiply curvy with
Hair to their waists.
They’re ALL way – way – WAY
Prettier than me.

Emily
Darla –
Blond girls are PRIZED.
You’re a “white tiger”
Something Oscar hasn’t seen.
Nobody wants the familiar.

Darla
Here’s what I’m thinking:
Don’t girls share their bodies
With the man that they love?
Don’t all guys want
Nudies? That’s what
I’m wondering.

(Gestures down at her body)

Do you think THIS
Could be beautiful?

Emily
Every part of YOU
Is beautiful!

Darla
You think?
I’m so shy!
Maybe he’d
Get all turned off?
Would he snigger?

Emily
That’s impossible.
Who could snigger at ANYONE
As lovely as you?
I hope Oscar is really different.

Darla
I know that he is.
I don’t want to scare him but
I want him to know how I feel.

Emily
Oscar’s your paradise.
Mine is a college
Where men look at nudes
Without sniggering.

Darla
Oscar IS my paradise.
I don’t care about any man but him.
If he wanted to show my
Nudie I’d let him.

Emily
Men are such scorekeepers
They score us and grade us –
Maybe your
Beauty will silence them.

Darla
I imagine Oscar and me
For our first “forever”
Undressing together
Like Adam and Eve.

Emily
I hate to break it but
There’s no motel
Moonlight;
There’s only fluorescence
Like the meat rack at
Safeway. That’s
Cruelest on blondes.
Were you thinking
Backseats or
Dunes at the beach?

Darla

(Jumps up pacing)

That is NOT what I
Picture: I see us
Like children:
Tangled in clover
Asleep in the sun.

Emily
Maybe it’s too late
For all of us.
Boys love porn more than
Beer, and now
They’re all addicted.

Darla
Not Oscar!
Porn’s against his religion!
Oscar’s religious!

Emily
I know they SAY that but
Is it true? Maybe
They can’t help it:
That stuff’s in the air
Their fathers and brothers
Are watching it too
Summer camp, Boy scouts:
Their world’s a pornado.

Darla

(Worried)

So what’s he expect? Now
You’ve got me all scared.
How can I be sexy
Without being a porn star?

Emily
We need pix! We need
Glamor. We need
Flattering lighting.
Believe me
I’ve been there
I’ve got pix of my own.

Darla
No, really?

(Emily offers her phone)

Wow! Who’d know
That was you
You’re like some sort
Of goddess!

Emily
They’ve GOT to stay secret; this is
Not a good look for
College admissions.

Darla

(Looking down her pajama bottoms)

I need some self-tanner!
I look like
Perdue chicken; my
Poor scrawny pussy
Has never seen daylight.
How could I think
Oscar would want this?

Emily
You just need landscaping
Sister, all of us do
I swear it’s no biggie.

Darla
I’m gonna get zits!

Emily
Not if I moisturize.
I’ll use a fresh razor; trust
A sensitive blade;
Wielded by
Someone who loves you.

Darla
Emily – you’re so poetic!
You really would do that?

Emily
Moisturize first and
Moisturize after.
That’s my guarantee.

Darla
I’ll be dripping down there!

Emily
You’re ALREADY
Dripping and
That’s the point!

(They both laugh)

Darla

(Grabs Emily’s drink and throws herself backwards on the bed)

No more booze for you!
I need a steady hand
All the help I can get –
We can’t expect poor Oscar
To see through a jungle!

Emily
Lucky I’m sleeping over!
I brought my whole kit.

(produces cosmetics case)

Strip off those undies.
Let’s get this
Party started.

Darla
God – it’s so
Embarrassing!

Emily
Less embarrassing than
The salon with a stranger –
I’ve been there, too.
You spend cash money
To get treated like shit!
They give you diseases
Like some Chinese fungus
You NEVER get rid of
Then say it’s your fault.

Darla

(Slipping out of her pajama bottoms – Emily blocks our view)

Is this going to hurt?

Emily
Not as much as tattoos
And you’ve got one of those.

Darla
I’m getting another –
“I Love Oscar” in Spanish.

Emily

(Noise of whipped scream dispenser)

You better careful
‘Cause foreigners lie –
Just to make us look stupid.
Brandy asked for “Prosperity”
And it really says
“Whore”.
Don’t move.
I’ll leave a nice
Landing strip.

Darla

(sighs ecstatically)

For Oscar to touchdown!

(She lies back – submitting)

Wish I’d studied Spanish
Instead of stupid old French.

Emily
We all should speak
Mandarin
According to my Gran.

Darla
I’ll let Oscar choose
My tattoo –
He’ll know what to say.

Emily
Men really like that.

Darla
Here’s hoping.
Ooooo – it tickles!

Emily
You don’t have so much
So this part is easy.

Darla

(Giggles)

Feels weird knowing
You’re the one who’s
Touching me there.

Emily
Victor says
All girls are lesbos.

Darla
Victor says?
We’ve established that
Victor is crazy.
Don’t listen to him.

Emily
He says that’s why
Men dominate; ‘cause
We don’t really need them.
If we had any choice
He thinks we’d get rid of them!
I told him who wouldn’t go
Lesbo when
Men are so awful and
Dicks ain’t that pretty.

Darla
I bet all of Oscar
Is beautiful
Strong, dark and –

Emily
Handsome – yeah –
I heard it the first time.
I need some water.

(She empties popcorn in a handy backpack and enters bathroom. We hear running water.)

Darla
Bet Oscar won’t manscape.

Emily
Well, he should. He’s
A bear.

Darla
I like him warm and
Furry. It makes it
So real.

Emily

(Returning)

Smooth and hairless –
That’s what Victor is.
Spread ‘em Sister.

(Darla shrieks with laughter)

Emily
DO NOT MOVE.
This is the tough part.
Hold your breath.
DO NOT LAUGH
DO NOT GIGGLE.
Think of Oscar
Stark naked.

Darla

(sighs rapturously)

I hope he
Trades me a selfie!

Emily
Men love showing off.
Why shouldn’t they?
Without repercussions
They do what they feel.
Almost done –
That’s a good girl.

Darla
Prom night’s the night.
But I’m scared
Do you bleed?

Emily
Slow down, girl!
If you go all the way
You need to think
Birth control!

Darla
Nobody gets pregnant
The first time!

(Excitement ripples Darla – Emily inhales a gasp)

Emily
That might not be true. Better
Check yourself before you
Wreck yourself!

Darla
I don’t like all this planning!
Men think planners are
Sluts. Don’t men do the birth control?
My Dad’s all “condoms condoms
Condoms” like it’s some sort of
Prayer. Not to me, naturally
But I overhear when
He talks to the team.

Emily
You could just tell him
You don’t want to go
All the way the first time!
Then enlist
Some doctor’s help.

Darla
But I want to
Belong to him totally!
I want him in the pilot seat
Making all the decisions.

Emily
What if you get knocked up?

Darla
That’s God’s to decide.

Emily
You could be really sorry
Oscar might dump you.

Darla
You don’t know Oscar.
Family’s everything to him.
Sticking together and
Blood relations are RELIGION
To him. Our baby will
Connect usForever and ever!
You’ve got to admit – a kid
Gets you out of the
Cheating and lying game.

Emily
Hold still. No more moving.
Victor says all men cheat.

Darla
He’s insecure.
I can’t see Oscar cheating
He’s got tattoos
Of his mother AND
Virgin Mary
RIGHT ON HIS CHEST!

Emily
Some girls like a challenge
And men have no willpower.
There you go! All done!
Towel yourself off
And admire your
BALDNESS.

(Hands her a towel and mirror)

Darla
Wow, thanks Em
Such a friend.
It looks much less scary
And more like a child.
But it feels so strange.
Feels so NAKED –
Am I beautiful now?

Emily
You were beautiful BEFORE
And now you are perfect!

Darla
Get my phone! Time for
Photos! Lay my hand
Just like this and
You can see Oscar’s ring.

Emily
Gotta see face or
This shot could be anybody.

(She pulls bed curtain to obscure audience’s vision, unshades lamp for lighting)

Darla
Will he like it?

Emily
Of course he’ll like it!
I just pressed send.

Darla

(snuggling with comforter)

Let me see.
Oh, wow!
When will he answer?
How long must I wait?

Emily
Don’t lose any sleep –
Tonight’s the team dinner,
And they can’t have their phones.
It’s all your Dad’s rules.

Darla
Can you IMAGINE
No phones?
What gets into old people?
Why are they weird?

Emily
Just jealous, I guess.
We’re still young and beautiful – they’re
So old and hopeless.
They wish they were us.

Darla
You’re probably right.

(Arms reaching up)

Let’s watch a scary movie.

Emily
I’ve got the scariest!
Screwfly Solution – parasites
From outer space
Oozing into everybody.

Darla
Oooooooo!

(Emily pulls the curtains and jumps into bed – Darla touches remote -Lights fade blue light shines on their faces as the two cuddle together.)