Alysse Aallyn

Tag: Theatre

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Scene 4
    (PERSEY turns out the light and the women exit. Firelight spreads across the room, lighting glittering eyes of the portrait – the eyes move, watching the women leave. DIGGER’s Dance with the WOLVES: Sniffs wolves suspiciously; they are wild and strange, he is home-raised and scared but envious of their freedom and “cool.” Threat & counter threat; posture & preening. Gradually DIGGER becomes wolf-like and runs with the pack. The moon appears and the WOLVES salute it. It lights PERSEY getting ready for bed. Above her BRUCE appears clinging to the skylight, peering down. WOLVES & DIGGER threaten and howl him away.)


    Act 2 Scene 5
    (The deepest forest. PERSEY, DIGGER and a police officer NED wandering listlessly around in the unscary, perfectly ordinary daylight. Scratchy background noises from NED’s radio)


    PERSEY
    There’s a skeleton
    Around here somewhere, officer.


    NED
    (Skeptically)
    That you saw late Midsummer Eve.


    PERSEY
    Are you even a detective?
    I was promised “Cold Case” professionals!


    NED
    “Open Unsolved”.
    I’m all that there is.


    PERSEY
    You sound defeated.
    On the verge of retirement?


    NED
    Hell no, lady. Never.
    Too many cold cases.
    I’ll die in this job.


    PERSEY
    Sounds like a death wish.


    NED
    It’s a life wish.
    I love my work.


    PERSEY
    Searching for … skeletons?


    NED
    Solving puzzles.
    Perfecting antennae.
    Following undercurrents
    Right to their source.
    (He kicks the leaves)
    Where’d you unearth
    This cadaver exactly?


    PERSEY
    It’s around here someplace.
    It was Digger who found it.
    (Kneels to talk to DIGGER)
    Remember those bones, boy?
    Go get ‘em, Digger!


    (DIGGER scratches himself stupidly)


    NED
    Speaks English, that dog?


    PERSEY
    I know he speaks wolf.


    NED
    Wolf?


    PERSEY
    Wolves howl at him and
    He howls right back.


    NED
    No wolves around here.


    PERSEY
    Coyotes, then.
    Coywolves.
    Something’s howling.
    I’ve seen ‘em.


    NED
    Feral dogs more likely.
    Tame goes wild more often
    Than the other way round.


    PERSEY
    You’re argumentative.


    NED
    I respect facts
    When assembling theory.
    Dogs taste the outdoors
    And they never go back.


    PERSEY
    Just like some people.
    Go, Digger, go! Shoo!


    (She pushes him. DIGGER ambles off)


    You’re a puzzle fan?


    NED
    Yup. I’m addicted.


    (Takes a Chinese link puzzle out of his pocket and plays with it)


    I’m never without one.
    Solve ‘em in my sleep.


    PERSEY
    So, what special skills
    Do puzzle mavens require?


    NED
    Pattern recognition.
    Patterns are everything;
    The basis of speech
    Building blocks of thought.


    (As they look out over the audience, the TREES rearrange themselves and spit up a pink stiletto platform shoe, which DIGGER retrieves.)


    NED
    What you got there, boy?
    (DIGGER dumps the shoe at his feet. NED holds it up for PERSEY’s inspection)


    NED
    This what you saw?


    PERSEY
    Definitely not.
    Bones! Digger!
    Skeleton!
    Go get ’em boy!


    (She mimes walking like a zombie while DIGGER watches her, bright-eyed.)


    NED
    You play charades with this dog?


    PERSEY
    He watches a lot of movies.


    (DIGGER leaves them alone, ambling off to search. NED & PERSEY kick the leaves in awkward “first date” embarrassment. They are attracted to each other.)


    NED
    (Might be bragging – just a bit)
    Wouldn’t be the first corpse
    Located hereabouts.


    PERSEY
    No! How many were there?


    NED
    (With relish)
    Multiple body dumps.
    Arms, legs,
    Torsos.
    So many go missing.


    PERSEY
    Jarod was right!


    NED
    You don’t mean Jarod Gunver?


    PERSEY
    You know him?


    NED
    (Evasive: suddenly circumspect)
    Well…he’s a cop.
    So, I’ve seen him around.


    PERSEY
    Yeah, yeah, I get it.
    Thin blue line.


    NED
    Very thin.

    PERSEY
    Power shields power.
    I know all about it.
    He’s my husband’s best friend.
    Claims to be “expert” but
    Usually wrong. He’s
    Wrong about everything.
    I’m surprised he spoke truth about
    Forests of corpses.


    NED
    You don’t like him.


    PERSEY
    I don’t. Bad influence – rough crowd.


    NED
    He talks police business?


    PERSEY
    If he thinks he’s impressing!
    That he’s smarter than anyone!
    He collects slaves —
    “Whoever Dies With the Most Souls Wins”
    That’s his motto.
    He’s got lots of followers –
    Information’s his currency –
    Bragging and scaring –
    Trying to frighten –
    “Don’t walk in the woods!”
    He LOVES scaring women.


    NED
    (Being The Cop)
    What did he tell you?


    PERSEY
    “Boy girls come to bad ends”.
    He really hates anyone
    Who isn’t his slave.
    Roy envies his power –
    I ignored him.
    Till I found that skeleton.


    NED
    He’s out of line.
    Information comes in
    Not supposed to go out.


    PERSEY
    (Pointedly)
    I suppose YOU’ve got no friends?


    NED
    Shoptalk is different.


    PERSEY
    Men always say that.


    NED
    Yeah. We are boring.


    PERSEY
    But investigation’s exciting!


    NED
    You find my work exciting?


    PERSEY
    I don’t know about puzzles
    But I favor the truth
    There’s the real power –
    Knowing what happened.


    NED
    Just the facts, eh?


    PERSEY
    Who’s alive and who’s dead
    Who’s a demon pretending –
    Who’s a monster despoiling; only
    Mimicking life.


    NED
    (He gets right to the point)
    You think Jarod’s a demon?


    PERSEY
    I’m not willing to hang around him
    Long enough to find out.


    NED
    Here’s what I know –
    We’re all demonic
    In our own special way.


    PERSEY
    Speak for yourself.


    NED
    If these woods shelter corpses
    How come you’re still here?


    PERSEY
    ‘Cause my demon’s inquisitive.
    Trees can’t hurt you.
    These woods are a temple –
    A Most Sacred Place.
    Stupid people think they’re nowhere
    It’s the ultimate Somewhere.


    (The TREES swell pridefully. DIGGER runs up with a silk pair of zebra-striped harem pants – rather the worse for wear – dangling from his jaws.)


    PERSEY
    Oh Digger!
    You frustrating dog!


    NED
    (Snatches at the silk)
    Could be evidence of … something.


    PERSEY
    Even trees have their secrets.


    (Mockingly)


    Maybe Jarod’s wife, Stormee
    Dropped her pants in the woods.
    Not the first time, I’m sure.


    NED
    (Places his find in an evidence bag)
    Meow!
    Jarod’s finished with Misty?


    PERSEY
    Over Misty.
    Under Stormee.


    NED
    What’s the number of wives
    Jarod is up to?
    Never mustered more
    Than two wives, myself.
    I’m a single guy, now.


    (But PERSEY has picked up a stick and DIGGER is falling all over himself hoping she’s going to throw it. She conceals it behind her back and points him into the woods – he races towards nothing – then stops in confusion.)


    PERSEY
    You know what I want!
    Human! Person!


    (She knocks against her head)


    Skull. Go get it!


    (DIGGER slinks away. PERSEY drops the stick and brushes the dirt off her hands)


    PERSEY
    Jarod sheds wives seasonally
    Like the snake that he is.


    NED
    So what are you doing when
    You’re not nature-ing?


    PERSEY
    Reading and thinking.
    I sit on my deck and
    Gaze into the trees.

    NED
    Sounds relaxing.
    She’s a tree-worshiper, this one!


    (The TREES nod, bow, sigh.)


    PERSEY
    Do your missing have names?


    NED
    Eh?


    PERSEY
    You said there’s so many.
    Don’t these missing
    Have names?


    NED
    Everyone has names.
    Monikers, nicknames
    Aliases
    Given names, borrowed names
    Street names –
    Disguises; red herrings;
    Wish fulfillment – everyone.


    PERSEY
    So many lost women!


    NED
    Didn’t say they were women.
    Bi-curious, tri-curious
    Foraging wanderers
    Hitchhikers and travelers
    Tourists and runaways
    Just passing through.


    PERSEY
    Passing through HERE?


    NED
    Or somebody brought them.
    Along for the ride.


    PERSEY
    Why does nobody know?


    NED
    “High risk victims”. It’s a way
    Of saying nobody cares.


    (PERSEY is stunned. A TREE opens up and shakes out a full skeleton. DIGGER staggers back – TREE hands DIGGER the skull.)


    NED
    Success at last!


    (DIGGER leaves the skull at PERSEY’s feet and wags his tail. She drops instantly to hug and kiss him while he basks in her attentions)


    PERSEY
    (Lavishing DIGGER with love while NED looks bemused, even jealous)
    I knew you could do it!
    Smart dog! Who’s a puppy
    As clever as beautiful?
    Digger is! I’ll say!


    NED
    Wish I got that much attention
    For finding a bone.


    (Picking up the skull with the stick and turning it over reverently)


    You should take that dog on the road.


    PERSEY
    Probably should.
    He drives my mother-in-law crazy.


    NED
    Oh, a guard dog, too, is he?


    (Rubs DIGGER’s belly. DIGGER wallows shamelessly.)


    Now we need forensics, a search team of
    Real sniffer dogs.


    PERSEY
    (Standing up and brushing dirt off her thighs)
    REAL sniffer dogs?
    That’s all the thanks that poor Digger gets?

    NED
    (Puts the skull down carefully, pats DIGGER’s head)
    Good dog.


    (DIGGER snaps at the skull up again – NED blocks him – PERSEY grabs the dog’s collar)


    PERSEY
    Come on, Digger!


    (She leashes him.)


    Let’s go home. Our work here is done.


    NED
    Sorry, no.
    There’s papers to sign.


    PERSEY
    Paperwork, ugh!
    Nothing doing.
    My husband never likes me
    Getting involved.


    NED
    But you are involved, now.
    Aren’t you?


    PERSEY
    Can’t I be secret? A secret informant?
    After all, who needs to know?
    Maybe Jarod’s the killer!
    I’ll tell all about Jarod.
    Just keep ME a secret.


    NED
    Even informants have paperwork.
    You think your husband’s best friend’s a killer?
    There’s a dangerous liaison.


    PERSEY
    Do we have a deal?


    NED
    OK, I’ll bite.
    I’ll tell them I found it.


    PERSEY
    Sure, you take the credit.
    Digger prefers backrubs.


    NED
    What makes Jarod a killer?


    PERSEY
    He brags about killing.
    About his “justified kills”
    He’s cold and he’s fake
    Looks for every advantage.
    He likes people’s suffering.
    He says he kills people
    As part of his job.


    NED
    I heartily doubt it.
    Undercover’s a whole different ethos
    But word gets around.


    PERSEY
    The man lies like he breathes.


    NED
    Those guys specialize in
    Put-ons and disguises.


    PERSEY
    How about you?


    NED
    I’m one lone wolf.


    PERSEY
    Drinkers and braggers
    Find it hard to keep secrets.


    (NED offers his hand – They shake – he likes touching her)


    NED
    I’m interested in all you can tell me.
    We’ll have to work closely.

    PERSEY
    Solving puzzles –
    Making theories! Sounds
    Deliciously different. Now
    I’d better skedaddle. I’m running late.


    (DIGGER’s straining at the leash to be gone)


    NED
    I’ll keep in touch.


    PERSEY
    See you later.


    (She waves. Leaves with DIGGER. The DEADGIRLS and BOYGIRLS morph from the trees, reaching out their leafy arms longingly. NED stares after her thoughtfully.)

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Scene 3 – Persey’s big house


    (BABE, (Persey’s mother-in-law) a commanding, magnificent, scary older woman strides into the yard, holding a blanket and calling,)


    BABE
    Persey! Persey, where are you?


    (PERSEY & DIGGER emerge from the forest, both looking dirty, scratched and sheepish)
    Oh, my goodness, poor PERSEY! What happened to you!


    PERSEY
    Er – Hello – Mother.


    (Allowing herself to be enclosed in a blanket, she says with bitter irony)
    You weren’t expected.


    BABE
    Please call me Babe –
    Everyone does!
    Aren’t we family?
    Aren’t I spontaneous?
    Spontaneity’s a right
    Claimed by mothers-in-law.


    (Guiltingly)


    I can’t be alone today-
    It’s BRUCE’s DEATH anniversary!


    (Throaty gasps)

    PERSEY
    I thought that was last month.


    BABE
    (On the edge of hysteria)
    No! No! It’s tonight!
    Roy’s too sweet twin brother!
    I still see him hanging
    Neck so distorted
    A hideous specter to torment a mother!


    (A scary, elongated shadow projects against the wall.)


    PERSEY
    I’m so sorry. I guess we forgot.
    Today’s Jarod’s birthday.


    BABE
    Dear Jarod! How is he?


    PERSEY
    (Pulling thistles out of protesting DIGGER’s fur)
    Having the time of his life,
    Thanks to you.


    BABE
    (Majestic and cold)
    Jarod deserves our support.
    I called with good wishes
    Roy said you were on your way home.
    That was hours ago!
    And your cellphone is HERE!
    Where’s the Mercedes, Persey?
    Did you wreck the Mercedes?


    (Threateningly)


    You KNOW you can tell me.


    PERSEY
    The Mercedes is fine, Babe.
    But it’s Midsummer night –
    Digger needed a walk,
    So, I thought –


    BABE
    (Full of disgust)
    Oh, Persey
    You’re the limit!
    Don’t TELL me that ill-favored mutt
    Dragged you to the woods!
    Surely Jarod warned you?
    There’s killers abroad!
    Your husband forbade you –
    The forest is VERMINOUS
    And my future grandchildren
    Deserve better than THAT!
    Have that fleabag put down,
    Get a highly-trained guard dog
    From an ACCREDITED school!
    An attack dog, not some troublemaker
    Who waltzes with thorn bushes!
    (DIGGER and BABE bare their teeth at each other. She moves to strike, he cowers but lifts his leg when she turns away. PERSEY shields DIGGER)


    BABE
    We all worry about you
    You promised Roy!
    Do your promises mean NOTHING?
    PERSEY, my girl?


    PERSEY
    Roy knew I walked home.
    We can handle the woods.
    Digger protects me
    I’d NEVER get rid of my beautiful Digger!
    Digger’s my baby!


    BABE
    (Much distaste)
    Roy deserves a REAL baby, Persey,
    Time’s growing short.


    (She attempts to be confiding)


    What is the latest from BabyMakers Inc.?


    (She taps a foot – can’t disguise her impatience)


    PERSEY
    (Steps past BABE evasively)
    These things take forever.
    They’re testing and testing –
    You know how it goes.
    Roy hates to be tested.
    It’s a free world, I say.
    All the best things happen
    In their own little time.


    BABE
    I bought you this house
    This magnificent house
    On the clear understanding –
    That soon we’d be FOUR.
    Where’s my grandchild?
    Oh Persey –I’ve had so many losses.

    (PERSEY steps into the house – BABE attempts to shoo DIGGER away)


    PERSEY
    Oh, let him come in, Babe.
    He thinks it’s his home and
    It’s so cold outside.


    (DIGGER shivers exaggeratedly.)


    BABE
    But he’s so dirty!


    PERSEY
    I’ll give him a bath.
    (Lighted hot tub bubbles up at her feet. PERSEY touches BABE’s arm)
    Please be patient. I’m certain
    Happy times are ahead.


    (Hastily disrobing PERSEY steps into smoking hot tub with a sigh of relief. DIGGER jumps in with an ecstatic splash and paddles rapturously around)


    BABE
    (Averting her eyes & gagging, shaking off droplets)
    You’ll NEVER get clean with
    That thing in there!


    PERSEY
    (Calmly)
    Why not mix up some drinks?


    (She soaps DIGGER’s head. He splashes her playfully)

    BABE
    (BABE is conflicted. Feels ordered around in PERSEY’s house but she loves booze, so unwillingly turns her back to accommodate)
    If only I’d known you were indulging some mutt
    I don’t know that I’d have purchased this house.


    PERSEY
    Roy loves this house, Babe.
    We’re both very grateful.


    BABE
    (Bringing drinks for the pair of them, she settles down in a chair beside the tub)
    Roy’s a good boy…eventually.
    But you have to keep after him
    Monitoring, reminding.


    PERSEY
    We’ve been so happy here.
    Cheers!


    BABE
    Chin-chin.


    (They drink. Potent stuff and PERSEY reacts.)


    PERSEY
    Wow, BABE, you concoct
    A powerful drink.


    BABE
    (Mollified – drinks with pinky extended)
    Strong medicine’s required
    For life’s brutal reverses.


    (She drains her glass. PERSEY surreptitiously adds water to hers. DIGGER jumps out of the tub and shakes all over BABE who springs to her feet)


    BABE
    Oh, that dog!
    Just look what he’s done!


    PERSEY
    So sorry, BABE.
    Will you hand me those towels?


    BABE
    (Very grumpy)
    If you need this much help, Persey,
    You require a maid.


    PERSEY
    Roy prefers privacy
    We’re not fond of strangers.


    (BABE hands over towels. PERSEY steps out of the tub and into a towel but not fast enough)


    BABE
    Persey, you’re so thin.
    One must feed babies SOMETHING!

    PERSEY
    Babe, you worry too much!
    Stress is so bad for everyone.
    Aren’t we just enjoying
    A quiet evening at home?


    BABE
    I can’t help my conviction
    We’ve run out of time.
    I keep warning and warning and
    Nobody listens.


    (WOLVES howl)


    Nobody cares about
    Poor Abused Me
    Giver of Life and Signer of Deeds;
    Creator of Wealth and
    Addresser of Needs
    Nobody cares about Me!


    PERSEY
    We’re so grateful
    For all that you’ve done.
    What’s the rush?
    We’ve got nothing BUT time.
    Let’s go sit by the fire.

    (She presses a button and fire springs to life. There’s a dog bed in front of it where DIGGER settles in – after stretching, pacing, rolling)


    BABE
    Such a wonderful house!
    All the amenities!
    (addresses audience)
    My gifts are so wonderful
    My taste so exquisite –
    Lucky I’m rich and know
    Just what to serve!
    Too bad I’m never
    Loved or deserved!
    My love is perfect
    My example superb.
    But I won’t live forever, Persey.


    PERSEY
    Your gifts are appreciated.
    Thank you, Babe.


    (BABE gives her a robe and a cellphone)


    BABE
    Three calls missed from Roy.


    PERSEY
    He’s checking on me.

    BABE
    Because he loves you
    Just as I do.


    (PERSEY dons the robe. BABE has a pile of towels for herself with which she makes a show of covering her chair, blotting her dress, feet, shaking her head, etc.)


    PERSEY
    (On phone)
    Sure hon; got back safe.


    (Holds phone away from protesting, squawking, threatening noises)


    I can hardly hear you.


    That’s quite a party you’re having.


    (Loud music & squawking)


    Babe’s here, with
    Our own celebration.


    BABE
    (Shouts at phone)
    Remembrance! For Bruce!
    Poor, dead Bruce!


    PERSEY
    Of course we won’t wait up
    You should really stay over –


    (BABE snatches for the phone, PERSEY evades)


    BABE
    Let me talk to him.


    PERSEY
    (Waving her away – admonitory finger- bravely lying)
    It was just a short walk,
    Under a glorious moon.


    (DIGGER covers his ears and trembles in memory. Rolling her eyes at ROY’s protests; holds the phone away from her giving BABE chance to snatch phone)


    BABE
    Sweetheart, we must go
    To the cemetery and visit dear Bruce.


    (Horrible noises from phone)


    Renew all the vows
    Made to dear, dear, lost Bruce.


    (Significantly – threatening)


    Don’t you remember?


    (Raving noises from phone; then silence. BABE tosses it to PERSEY)


    BABE
    He hung up on me!
    Can you believe it?
    That man needs a leash!
    Or obedience school.


    PERSEY
    It’s a PARTY, Babe.
    They’re all off the leash.


    BABE
    If you’d given me that phone
    When I asked for it Persey –


    PERSEY
    He can’t feel about Bruce
    As you do, Babe, because
    Bruce made him suffer.
    You must understand.


    BABE
    (Getting more and more upset – she launches to her feet and paces)
    Roy deserved it!
    Sweet Bruce was my honey-child,
    So biddable, good!


    PERSEY
    That’s not the story I hear.


    BABE
    (As if she’d not spoken)
    He’d do anything for his mother –


    (Starts to sob)


    PERSEY
    Bruce tortured Roy, Babe.
    I’ve seen the scars.
    With my own eyes.


    BABE
    Roy teased him!
    You’re insulting the dead, Persey!
    Now I need a drink!


    (BABE staggers toward bar, WOLVES gather around house, DIGGER alerts)


    PERSEY
    I think we need music!


    (Persey switches on radio)


    RADIO
    (Impossibly proper BBC voice)
    Four missing girls …(squawk)
    Body Dump Case (squawk squawk)
    While in other Serial Killer News-
    A Beautiful Blonde –


    (PERSEY cuts radio off as BABE extends a drink – even darker than the last. BABE’s drinks would make a mule cross-eyed. PERSEY dumps half out but BABE is too worked up about her own problems to notice.)


    BABE
    Roy doesn’t care!


    PERSEY
    Boys will be boys.


    BABE
    Tonight of all nights!


    PERSEY
    It’s the living who count.


    BABE
    I hope I’m not grudging
    But Life’s so unfair!


    PERSEY
    Babe, the past is the past!


    BABE
    (Determined to quarrel)
    Are you saying Roy didn’t love
    His only blood brother?


    PERSEY
    Bruce was a bully!
    Since he lived with his father
    I never met him but
    Roy tells me –


    BABE
    Bruce killed himself, Persey!
    I found the body!
    Do bullies self-sacrifice?
    Such deaths DESTROY mothers!


    PERSEY
    Suicide’s impulsive–


    BABE
    You know nothing about it!


    PERSEY
    I’m sorry.


    BABE
    A mother has feelings –


    PERSEY
    I know just what I’m told.


    BABE
    Roy owes me allegiance!
    I gave him everything!


    PERSEY
    It was so long ago!


    (WOLVES howl)


    BABE
    It’s neglect I can’t handle!


    PERSEY
    Roy’s home tomorrow –then we can –

    BABE
    Disrespect!


    PERSEY
    (Desperately)
    We love and admire you, Babe.


    BABE
    Should a mother have to visit
    Her child’s grave
    ALL ALONE?


    (WOLVES howl frenziedly. DIGGER scratches to go out.)


    BABE
    Don’t let that dog out!
    He’ll get dirty again!


    PERSEY
    (Lets DIGGER out to dance with the wolves)
    We’ll visit the grave with you!
    I promise we will.


    BABE
    We all make mistakes.
    I deserve second chances.


    PERSEY
    (Can’t quite follow this)
    Meaning…?

    BABE
    I demand forgiveness!


    PERSEY
    I don’t understand.


    BABE
    I didn’t kill Bruce!


    PERSEY
    No one killed Bruce, Babe.
    According to you.


    BABE
    But Roy MIGHT have done it.
    That night they were fighting –
    At each other’s throats!


    PERSEY
    (Looks at her empty glass like – there’s not enough alcohol in the world for this. Wearing the hopeless expression of someone arguing with a crazy person)
    I’m sure Roy didn’t hang Bruce.


    BABE
    You weren’t there!


    PERSEY
    Bruce was the strong one.
    As you’re always saying.


    BABE
    (Exalted)
    Bruce was born first.
    He pushed Roy aside!
    He pushed ME aside!
    He strong-armed the doctor!
    (Sighing with pleasure)
    Roy was the weak one,
    Roy was the gentle one.
    Tender and thoughtful.
    Mama’s last angel.
    Bruce made such fun of him.
    Wicked, vicious fun.


    (She sounds gleeful about it. PERSEY fills BABE’s glass – might as well make a night of it)


    I can’t be alone on this terrible night.
    Here’s to crime. Bottoms up.


    (Sits up abruptly)


    Why, I brought you a present!


    PERSEY
    (Trepidation)
    You did?


    BABE
    Sharing’s my motto.
    I can’t look at it any longer. So
    I thought Roy might – treasure it.


    (She touches a light switch and the portrait above the fireplace is illuminated. It depicts in overwrought oils a glamorous woman with a blond boy hanging off each arm. PERSEY almost jumps out of her skin)


    PERSEY
    Oh, my God!
    (She covers her face as if to hide from the portrait)
    Babe – I’m afraid – I don’t think –


    BABE
    It’s a great work of art.
    At least admit that.


    PERSEY
    Babe, don’t you remember
    The Chinese vase you once gave us?


    BABE
    Roy had an accident, Persey.
    And it was only a copy!
    I don’t understand your compulsion
    To make Roy the bad guy.
    After all,
    He’s indulged you like a princess.


    PERSEY
    (Trying to be gentle)
    He might not like the portrait, Babe.
    I’m only saying.


    BABE
    But it’s my only picture of Bruce!


    (Starting to cry)


    It’s all I have left!
    He couldn’t be cruel to the one who gave everything!


    (Poor PERSEY rolls her eyes. The WOLVES and DIGGER howl at each other)


    BABE
    Oh, my God, what is that!


    PERSEY
    Coyotes are unsettling.


    BABE
    Those are WOLVES, Persey.
    Not some harmless creatures!
    People say the spirits of the murdered
    Howl at night in the woods,
    Thirsting for justice.


    PERSEY
    Justice?


    BABE
    Or maybe revenge.
    There’s no justice in this world or
    My boy would have lived!


    (DIGGER & The WOLVES square off suspiciously)


    PERSEY
    (Nervously)
    That’s superstition!


    BABE
    You’re too isolated here.
    This is all a mistake.
    Why do my gifts go so bad?


    PERSEY
    We need country, Babe.
    Roy loves to hunt.


    (Stands up to listen; mustering up her courage)
    It’s music really.


    Those noises don’t scare me.
    Coyotes protect us.
    Cleaning the forest
    Eating vermin and carrion.


    (Puts her hand to the light switch)


    Ready for bed?

    BABE
    (Collapsing sadly. The party’s over and she never has as much fun as she wanted)
    I suppose so. Now I know I’ll have nightmares.

  • Woman into Wolf: the play

    Scene 2 – Deep Woods
    (DIGGER dances for freedom.)


    PERSEY


    A walk in the woods


    In the gathering night,


    Nothing’s more wondrous than


    Forest bathing!


    (She inhales deeply)


    Spirits reach out to us –
    You feel it, Digger?


    (DIGGER nods and dances. The trees begin to “humanize”; open eyes, swell up and trail their leaves invitingly.)


    Ever since childhood this forest has loved us!
    They’re here and
    We’re here – it’s
    Perfect happiness.


    (She spins. DIGGER barks joyously. Brings PERSEY a stick, which she throws)


    PERSEY
    I hope there ARE wolves!
    Wolves dancing with trees
    When darkness is falling. Soon we’ll
    Cuddle at home
    Dry our fur by the firelight.

    TREE SPIRITS
    (Murmuring)
    PERSEY! PERSEY!


    (DIGGER returns stick adoringly, PERSEY scratches behind his ear with it – he shakes all over with pleasure)


    PERSEY
    Who’s my little baby!
    Who’s my furry darling!


    (DIGGER rolls in ecstatic abandon while she rubs his tummy)


    Parties are boring
    Let Roy get his rage out
    Between naughty man buddy
    And Bad Buddy’s Fifth Wife!
    Hard to be civil
    To people so nasty.


    (Spins DIGGER does a smug dance)


    We escaped.


    (DIGGER growls obligingly)


    You’re right, Digger!
    Some people deserve NIPPING.
    If I was a wolf…


    (DIGGER snaps his jaws encouragingly, she imitates him, growling)
    I’d eat them all up!



    PERSEY
    (Hostile muttering)
    What Roy loves about Jarod – is all in his head.
    A little boy playing and
    Seeking “lost brother”.
    That Jarod’s conniving –
    Deceptive and mean.


    (She dances and the trees dance with her – DIGGER barks.)


    PERSEY
    No jealousy, Digger!
    You love trees just as I do.


    (DIGGER tries to pee on a TREE but it threatens him)


    Trees can’t lose themselves.
    My soul craves wilderness
    Lost in the woods!


    (A TREE taps DIGGER’s head with a skeleton bone; DIGGER accepts it, mouths it, puzzles over it and lays it at PERSEY’s feet. Dancing, she doesn’t even notice as the trees help DIGGER assemble a skeleton.)


    Roy is too generous –
    Gives Jarod too much credit,
    That’s the whole problem!
    Jarod’s a taker!
    Taking and breaking.
    If I only have patience

    Soon Roy will see too.
    See the magic of forests
    On Midsummer’s Eve.
    Trees dance just for us!


    (The TREE reaches for her suggestively. The WOLVES howl. DIGGER pricks up his ears.)


    I was a tree spirit before I was born.


    (She waltzes with a TREE. DIGGER, alarmed, drops a skull, which rolls at her feet, and he barks aggressively at the TREE, which backs away.)


    PERSEY
    What’s this?


    (She picks up the skull, stumbles over the skeleton.)


    Oh, my God!


    (Slowly the trees transform themselves into BoyGirls, the Victims, the Abandoned & Secretly Buried. It is terrifying.)


    Oh, My God, Roy was right!
    This place is a graveyard!
    Oh Digger, I’m so scared!


    (feeling her pockets desperately)


    Who hikes without cellphones?


    (DIGGER shrugs helplessly. The trees reach for PERSEY & DIGGER, who clings to her – they flee offstage. Meanwhile a new house opens up stage left – PERSEY’s own.)

  • Woman Into Wolf: the play

    Act 1, Scene 1
    (THE SCENE: A house on the right edge of a large forest; a wild party is in progress. Raucous music, biker iconography, party guests hang out windows.)


    ( Enter
    ROY & PERSEY step out of a car stage left – she is carrying a hugely glittering wrapped package. DIGGER – the Dog leans after them out the window, panting in doggy fashion.)


    PERSEY
    (Hanging back unwillingly as ROY pulls her forward)
    I can’t relish parties; I hate
    Noise and senseless jiving.
    I love silence, long for wilderness to
    Settle my unquiet soul.


    ROY
    (Panting in anticipation of the party)
    My wilderness is inside;
    Sometimes darlin’ you gotta
    Play fast, stay loose –
    Forget the day, lose the night
    It’s gonna come out
    We’re gonna
    Gotta eat the world.
    (We can see the party guests at right lift JAROD up, tossing him)


    PARTY GUESTS
    (Sing Off Key)
    For He’s a jolly good Cocksman!
    For he’s a jolly good Cocksman!
    Which nobody can deny!


    ROY
    (Happily joins in)
    Yeah, buddy! You’ll get
    What’s coming –
    Trust your best bro
    Who knows all the secrets:
    Where the bodies are buried;
    Bros forever.
    (PERSEY pulls away)


    PERSEY
    I thought I was your bestie.


    ROY
    You’ll always be my main squeeze,
    Porkchop.
    (Enter Hostess STORMEE in barely-there dress, rushing out to take their gift)


    STORMEE
    Don’t tease if
    You can’t perform.

    ROY
    Sorry we’re late –
    Persey’s a party pooper
    Taking forever
    To make herself beautiful.


    PERSEY
    You made me try on every dress!


    ROY
    And ain’t you edible?


    PERSEY
    What I put on, you remove.


    ROY
    No one can resist you, sugar.


    STORMEE
    Let her go if
    She wants to be alone.
    Persey hates our games.


    ROY
    Poor Persey
    Always wandering –


    PERSEY
    I’m never lost and I
    Adore solitude.

    ROY
    (snarling)
    With that damn dog.
    (DIGGER barks enthusiastically from car – PERSEY kisses her fingers to him)


    PERSEY
    We are explorers.
    (ROY puts his hands all over her)


    ROY
    I could undress you right now.


    PERSEY
    (backing him off)
    Group gropes aren’t for me.


    ROY
    (Bragging)
    Guess I’m tagged by
    A one-man woman!


    PERSEY
    Since high school…
    (ROY & PERSEY embrace.)


    STORMEE
    (Pulling on ROY)
    Now you’re here
    The games begin –
    Cops and robbers
    Rapist and victims
    Monsters and mobsters. You decide.


    PARTY GUESTS
    (Calling)
    Multiple nightmares
    Replenish youth to
    Scarify death –
    We’re off the leash, so
    Plunder our fantasy.


    ROY
    Long as I’m boss.


    STORMEE
    But on Jarod’s birthday –
    You only ride shotgun.


    PERSEY
    Enjoy yourself darling; but don’t
    Let them change you.


    ROY
    Who can love wilderness
    (Hands all over her)
    Without becoming wild?

    (ROY & PERSEY kiss)


    STORMEE
    (Shakes the gift package)
    Is this still alive?
    Toys disappoint but
    Playmates never.


    ROY
    It’s rechargeable.
    (STORMEE laughs loudly, dismisses PERSEY; Challenging, insulting)


    STORMEE
    Go home, little girl –
    While you own your skin.


    PERSEY
    (Turns to go; waves bye-bye)


    You take the car
    I love to walk home.


    ROY
    Not in that dress!


    PERSEY
    Digger protects me.
    (Takes one last kiss)


    ROY
    Light demands darkness so you get home fast.

    (They pull apart. ROY turns to his gang)


    ROY
    (Calling)
    Hey, buddy!


    JAROD
    (Passing DIGGER who snarls and snaps at him, tries to get out of the car)
    It’s a wild night shaping and
    No holds barred.


    ROY
    Nothing but the best for the fixer
    Who covers my back.
    (They embrace, STORMEE who puts the package on her head forms a conga line with the PARTY GUESTS – they dance sinuously)


    PARTY GUESTS
    Kick dirt in death’s face!
    Birthday’s our free pass
    We begin every year.


    ROY
    Meaner and crazier –


    JAROD
    Freer and brazener –


    ROY
    Doin’ death down!

    (ROY hands box to JAROD opens the box; a huge sex doll inflates and springs out, shimmering wildly. Laughter.)


    JAROD
    Guy with the most toys
    Rules the lost boys!


    PERSEY
    (Backing away)
    Happy Birthday, Jarod.


    JAROD
    (Dancing)
    You only wander to
    Find what you lost.
    Don’t be exclusive –
    Keeping elusive –


    STORMEE
    Sucks to be you, fraidy-cat.


    JAROD
    (Grabs Stormee)
    Girls who are squealin’
    Are always appealin’ –


    ROY
    (Grabs Stormee too)
    Saying No when they really mean Yes.

    STORMEE
    I’ll even die twice!


    PERSEY
    (Lets DIGGER out)
    Goodbye to your fun.
    (She pulls DIGGER away from JAROD)


    ROY
    You stay out of those woods, Persey!
    Terror stalks pretty girls!


    JAROD
    There’s wolves in those woods and
    Forests of corpses.


    STORMEE
    Wolves who need bad girls,
    Spirits of mad girls –


    ROY
    Killers and bandits
    Monsters and mad men –


    JAROD
    Scary and bad men –
    Roaming the woods!


    PERSEY
    (Playing with DIGGER who bounds wildly)
    But I’ve got a protector
    A hero, a savior –


    STORMEE
    A flea-ridden dirt-bag!
    (DIGGER tries to hump STORMEE’s leg – PERSEY drags him away)


    ROY
    You got your phone, hon?
    (Showing his phone – he’s instantly distracted by the screen – JAROD redirects him)


    PERSEY
    You are my heart, Roy. I’ll stay in touch.


    JAROD
    (Sneering)
    Bell that cat, Roy.


    STORMEE
    (dancing with ROY)
    Reality show time
    Put up and go time
    Never say “no” time –


    ROY
    Don’t wait up!


    (ROY, JAROD, STORMEE & PARTY GUESTS swallowed up by the house.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Talent Show – Emily’s Poem: Stage apron – (Oscar slumped in a wheelchair wearing stained sweats. Darla feeding him from a baby food jar – Emily dressed in camouflage holding rigid military pose – arms locked behind her – Rocky on drums, Victor on tambourine – all in pseudo-military gear)

    Darla
    Come on, baby
    Open up!
    Here comes the
    Carrot airplane!
    Who likes carrots?
    You like carrots!

    (Wipes his chin)

    Cause carrots make you
    Strong! Carrots
    Make you smart!
    Carrots
    Make a guy
    See in the dark,
    Open up, Big Boy! I’m
    Comin’ in!

    Emily
    Once I was young
    Now I’m old
    I thought I could do anything
    Except what I was told
    I didn’t listen
    I went my way
    Kids are stupid
    Children are cruel
    We don’t learn
    What we need to know in school.
    Why is sex?
    What is love?
    Why knock me over
    When I give you a hug?

    Everyone warned me – they
    Said: Hang back
    And pray!
    Pray things will get better
    Don’t volunteer.
    Don’t be a
    Bleeding heart,
    Chill out, have a beer!
    Don’t be a know-it-all
    Try not to fear.
    Wait for an invite.
    Wait for a year.

    I didn’t listen
    Cause I thought I knew more
    Something I wanted
    Was out past the bores
    Something was calling me
    Needing
    Commanding
    Summoning me.

    (Darla wipes Oscar’s chin and positions the wheelchair so Oscar can see Emily better.)

    Now I’ve seen reality
    And I’m here to tell you
    That thing I was wanting
    Was ME
    All along.
    I was my friend and
    I was my lover
    I was my sister and I was
    My brother.
    No one SEEMS caring
    But if ONE person cared
    Things gotta get better
    Till no one is scared.
    I’ve got the power and now
    So have you.

    (Thumping her heart with a fist)

    Now
    I’m different, now
    I am changed. Now
    I’m in motion;
    Now I’ve got game.
    Each one evolving
    In our different ways
    Here’s hoping –
    I’m hoping –
    For YOUR better day.

    (Emily bows low. Darla applauds, makes Oscar’s hands applaud. He looks confused but excited)

    Darla
    That was beautiful!
    Wasn’t that
    Beautiful, Oscar?

    (She tries to wipe his face)

    Oscar, are you
    Crying? Is that a tear?
    Oh no, I guess
    That tear’s always there.

    (Rocky & Victor come bow with the two girls. Oscar still applauding. THE END.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Girls Locker Room. (Pop & girly posters – lots of leg & boob. Darla changing out of cheerleader outfit into camisole and ruffled underpants outside highly decorated pink girly locker. Enter Oscar.)

    Oscar
    Hello, babe.

    Darla

    (Starts to cover up, confused)

    Honey! You can’t
    Come in here!

    (Looks around anxiously)

    Oscar

    (looming over her)

    Got my bros at the door.
    We’ve got nothing but privacy
    I’ve got

    (heavy emphasis)

    Nothing but time.
    You’re
    Out of time.

    Darla

    (Struggling to be seductive in this incongruous setting)

    Men like it in weird places
    That’s what I hear.

    (Touches him tentatively)

    How can I please you?

    (He pushes her down roughly on the bench)

    Oscar
    Tell me truth for once!

    Darla
    I never lied to you!

    Oscar

    (Wailing his woundedness)

    Didn’t you send a
    Strip pic
    To everyone in school?
    Insulting me?
    Dissing me?
    Smirching my honor?
    Making them LAUGH?

    Darla
    Never! Girls don’t
    Share pictures! It’s
    Only for you!

    Oscar
    I can’t trust you
    Anymore. You
    Lie so so so –
    Beautifully.

    (so much pain)

    Pretending to be a
    Virgin! You
    Fooled me! You
    Fooled me!

    Darla
    You know I was a virgin –
    You made me bleed! And were
    YOU a virgin? What’s it matter
    Anyway? As long as
    We love each other.

    Oscar

    (He shows her the movie on his phone)

    Who’s idea was this?
    Think you’re a porn star?
    What does that make me?
    Some kind of toy boy?

    Darla
    Not me, I swear it!

    Oscar

    (Threateningly)

    You’ll bleed
    For real this time!

    (Pulls out his knife)

    It’s my right and my
    Duty. God’s gift and
    Man’s! Look at this here!

    (He shows her his phone)

    Does SHE look like a virgin?

    Darla

    (Throws herself on her knees, grabs his hand)

    I didn’t know nothing – I was
    Trying to love you
    Best way I saw possible.
    It seemed that you liked it!

    Oscar
    Men have regrets when
    There’s honor involved.

    Darla
    They’re liars, Oscar!
    They hate our
    Perfection!
    You can’t –

    (He casts her from him)

    Oscar

    (Sneering)

    Don’t tell me what I can or
    Can’t do!
    Think I listen to GIRLS?
    You’re trappers, high-flyers –
    I was warned about this school.
    When there’s no prayer there’s
    WHORES! I hoped
    This place was different
    But I see
    It’s just a snake pit!

    Darla
    I thought you
    Loved me!

    Oscar
    I thought I did –
    And then I saw through
    Your cruel cruel
    Mask.

    Darla

    (Trying to rise to her feet to hug him)

    Together
    We can fight them
    I swear, it’s just you and me
    Adam and Eve
    And it’s our brand new world.

    Oscar
    You want me WEAK
    You wanted a slave out to
    Stud, a trophy, a trinket
    To make you look good.

    Darla

    (Outraged – hands on hips)

    NONE of this is true
    I gave myself to
    YOU – to
    To love – and to cherish
    Not to hurt and to
    KILL!

    Oscar

    (He backs away from her sudden power)

    You’re trying to smoke me
    Blinding me helpless
    With your Vixen Stink.

    Darla

    (Pleading with him)

    So?
    I’ll change perfume
    I’ll change anything
    You find displeasing –
    Tell me what to do.

    Oscar
    You enslaved me with
    Your sex.
    You knew how
    To handle me –
    Touched me like a
    WHORE!

    Darla
    If you’ve been with whores
    I know how to forgive –
    I can forgive so much
    You’d be surprised.
    We’re together now –
    I’ll do anything
    You want –

    Oscar
    You knew too much
    For a pure girl.

    Darla
    But I made you happy.

    Oscar
    Happy?
    Do I look happy?
    I can’t sleep
    Can’t eat – I’m
    Cuck’d! They all know it!
    Laughter
    Is everywhere
    Their jeers are a torment!

    (Clutches his head)

    Oscar
    Death’s the only answer
    It’s fair and it’s just –
    It’s mine to decide and I said
    You must die.

    Darla
    If I’d hated your sex
    Would this even be happening?

    Oscar
    Don’t confuse me –
    With argument
    The truth’s bad enough.

    Darla
    But I didn’t send that
    Picture – Emily sent it, and
    I never filmed anything
    Or knew anyone would.
    I still think we’re beautiful.
    All I can say is
    I never loved or
    pleased anyone but you
    And that made you hate me!

    Oscar
    What about Rocky?
    What about Clint –
    About Cody?
    Your cousin?

    Darla

    (Dismissively)

    Rocky’s a baby.
    He doesn’t count.
    Clint prefers boys and with Cody –
    We were children.
    My cousin’s like a brother!

    Oscar
    Excuses, excuses.
    See this teardrop?

    (Points to tattoo on his cheek)

    This tear is for you
    It’s for my first kill.
    There’s no turning back.
    Now it’s your time to
    Pray.

    Darla
    Pray? To which of your
    Gods? The mean one or
    The forgiver? I pray
    You don’t hurt me.
    You know you once loved me.

    Oscar
    You BROKE my love.

    (Waves the knife – then casts it aside)

    No, I can’t! You’re too
    Beautiful – I can’t
    Tear that fresh, lovely, soft skin.

    (Grabs her neck)

    Oscar
    I’ll throttle you –
    Fast and safe –
    You won’t feel a thing.

    (She thrashes around – he stands foursquare, summons up his strength)

    Just let go –
    Give it up –
    Some girls even like it
    They ask for it specially.

    (Emily appears behind him and brains him hard with a fire extinguisher –
    Oscar goes down – Darla falls back choking, clutching her neck)

    Emily
    Take that, you
    Bastard!

    Darla

    (Falling to her knees beside Oscar)

    You’ve killed him!

    (Oscar groans)

    Darla
    Call 911!
    Help! Help!

    (Victor and Rocky burst in)

    Victor
    What happened?

    Emily
    You know what happened,
    You jackass:
    He tried to kill her!

    Darla
    You didn’t need to hit him so hard!

    (Oscar rolling and groaning)

    Darla
    You broke his brain!

    Emily
    His brain broke
    Long ago.

    Victor
    That’s right –
    Nothing I did –
    This mofo’s plum crazy.

    (Rocky picks up the knife and flicks it admiringly)

    Rocky
    Wow! Look
    At the size of this thing!

    Emily
    Would someone please
    Call 911?

    (Still holding the fire extinguisher defensively – after all, Rocky has the knife)

    Do I have to do
    Everything around here?

    Victor

    (To his cell phone)

    Hello
    Coach? We’ve got
    A problem.

    Emily

    (throws the fire extinguisher aside)

    Give me that thing.

    (She snatches the phone from him – punches 911 – acts frustrated)

    Victor
    No outside line.

    Rocky
    The school’s gonna
    Hush this right up –

    Victor

    (Snatching back his phone)

    We don’t need
    Police.

    (His phone rings – Victor says threateningly)

    It’s Coach.
    Do I tell him honestly
    How Oscar got hurt?

    Darla
    I won’t speak
    If you won’t.

    Rocky

    (Pockets knife)

    No knife – no
    Foul. Right?

    Victor

    (Answers phone)

    I dunno, Coach – seems
    Oscar was peepin’
    In the girls’ locker room –
    Things turned nasty and
    Oscar got brained.

    Darla

    (Bravely)

    Tell him I did it.

    (She tries to link arms with Emily who throws her hands up in disgust)

    Victor

    (pretending to be brave)

    I don’t want to say. You
    Better come look.
    Better see for yourself.

    (He snaps phone into pocket)

    You know it’s all
    Emily’s fault.

    (Emily aghast)

    Emily
    How’d you figure?

    Victor
    Hey, YOU sent that photo.

    (Emily is speechless with rage. Darla is astounded)

    Darla
    Oh, no she din’t!

    Emily
    It was all your idea!

    Victor
    You shouldn’t listen to me!
    People do what they want.
    We’re all in this together.
    Nobody speaks
    There’ll be no harm done.
    Coach don’t wanna know.

    (Kneels by Oscar)

    Victor
    Hang in there big guy,
    We’re getting you help.

    (Curtain.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Football Field bleachers. (Victor doing what looks like an Indian rain dance – he is beside himself with glee. Enter Emily)

    Emily
    What are you so happy about?

    Victor
    I’m the man!
    I’m the king!

    (Emily stares at him sardonically, arms akimbo)

    Emily
    So, spill –
    Found somebody’s
    Credit card under the bleachers?

    Victor
    NO.
    I’m an Unstoppable
    Force –
    I’m a MOVER.
    I’m the One!
    Others are just talk –
    I make things happen!
    I stir the pot, the pot
    Bubbles.
    Stick with me sweetlips
    And you’ll see the world.

    Emily

    (Accusingly)

    What did you do now?

    Victor
    I showed Oscar
    His honey’s a whore!

    (Wild victory dance)

    Emily
    Darla?
    You mean her pictures?
    Her pictures were
    Wonderful! That girl’s a
    Goddess.
    I don’t get you guys!
    Always demanding
    We get sexual then
    Using that to disgrace us!

    Victor
    Don’t act innocent around me,
    Honey. I know what you did. And Oscar
    BOUGHT IT!! Guy went
    Crazy!

    (Wild boogie break dancing)

    Emily
    Why you gotta
    Hate, Victor?
    Why ruin everyone
    And everything?
    That poor fool!
    If he didn’t want nudies
    He’s the first guy I’ve heard of.
    How come he
    Believed you over Darla?
    Darla LOVES him.
    No one’s that stupid.

    Victor

    (Playing with her hair)

    Don’t you pay attention
    In history class?
    The bigger the lie
    The more people believe it. ‘Cause
    It’s about NIGHTMARES,
    Baby, we’re controlled by our
    Nightmares!
    Everyone’s got ‘em.
    Play into the NIGHTMARES
    And people believe.

    (he makes his abracadabra gestures in front of her face – she pushes his hands away)

    Emily
    But I thought he loved her!
    Doesn’t that idiot know
    How lucky he is?

    Victor
    Love!
    What’s that even mean?

    Emily
    But why’d he
    Believe YOU.
    You’re not his friend.

    (Victor shakes the phone at her)

    Victor
    Good one, Emily! You’ve been
    SUCH a good girl.A guy’s girl – FOR ONCE.

    Emily
    I sent it only to
    You and to Oscar!

    Victor
    Don’t you know brothers share?
    It’s a sharing economy:
    Bros hang together.

    Emily
    It’s a BEGGAR economy
    A world of extortion and
    Protection where
    Everyone owes you.

    Victor

    (money hand gesture)

    Gotta give some to get some.

    Emily
    You men are
    HOPELESS.
    None of you deserves
    To get fucked EVER
    Again!

    Victor
    Oh, somebody’s
    Getting’ fucked here and
    It ain’t gonna be me!

    Emily
    It certainly won’t!
    And what is
    THAT all about? Why is the worst
    Thing you can insult somebody with is
    “SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!”?
    Why make it so bad?
    You’re always telling us to
    GROW UP
    Face desire
    Then we do and it turns out
    Our partners are BABIES!
    Baby extortionists!

    Victor
    Oh get over yourself.

    (Sniggering)

    Let passion rule
    Idiots – while the Movers &
    Shakers sit pretty!
    We’re having
    Too much fun.

    Emily
    I can’t figure out
    Why we play with
    You toddlers.

    Victor
    Hormones,
    I’m guessin’.
    We’re the only game in town.

    (Emily pulls out her own phone, clicks, smiles ruefully, shakes her head)

    Emily
    Look at her there –
    She’s so sweet
    Such an angel.
    She’s Manet’s Olympia
    Goya’s Naked Maja –
    Look at her –
    She’s so happy.
    She’s so trustful in love
    Thinking Life’s
    About to begin.
    Don’t you know
    Beauty when you see it?
    Lift your head
    Out of the gutter!
    But you snoozed during art class
    You don’t want to wake up.

    Victor
    Art class is for
    PUSSIES!

    (spits)

    Here’s REAL art for you!

    (Showing her his film)

    Emily
    Oh Victor
    YOU DIDN’T.

    Victor
    Oscar made Darla bleed.
    Oscar made her come!
    She’s no goddess after all.
    Did she tell you
    What his cock’s like?
    Spics are hung like donkeys –
    They gotta be –
    Squirtin’ over the fence
    Spreadin’ their seed!

    Emily
    You’re disgusting!

    Victor

    (Very calm and in charge)

    I’m SUCCESSFUL.
    I’m EFFECTIVE.
    Oscar fights with Darla
    Coach sees our movie
    Coach says BYE BYE
    We own the school.

    Emily
    You said you wouldn’t
    Hurt people!

    Victor
    Haven’t YOU
    Done things you said
    You’d never do?

    Emily
    Why’s Oscar blame Darla?

    Victor
    “Cause he sees she’s a whore.
    Like every other slutty
    Fallen girl.


    Emily
    Like ME you mean?
    Is that what you mean?

    Victor
    Men rule
    Girls drool
    Who’s the fool?

    Emily

    (She turns away from him)

    You’ve got a point there.
    You showed Oscar your movie?

    Victor

    (Gleeful excitement)

    Oscar went ripshit! He
    Threatened to
    KILL her!

    Emily
    Over some PICTURES?

    Victor

    (Acts all innocent, toeing the dust)

    I did mention he might be wrong
    About her virginity.

    Emily
    Victor! You are a
    Rabblerouser! Darla
    Was incontestably
    One hundred percent virgin!
    You know it and I know it!

    Victor

    (slyly)

    Well, she ain’t no more. So
    Nobody proves nothin’.
    Girls go under the knife
    Get changed all the time.

    (She pushes him away from her in disgust)

    Emily
    And it doesn’t even matter!
    It’s all stupid anyway!

    Victor
    It DOES matter!
    No man wants to
    Honor a SLUT.

    Emily
    You guys are the sluts!
    Why demand trust when
    We can’t ever trust you?
    Don’t you get it?
    GAME OVER,
    I’m telling you.
    Game over!

    Victor

    (Very superior)

    Men CAN’T be sluts
    Sweetheart.
    It’s not in the rulebook.
    Everyone knows. You just
    Ask around.

    Emily
    You are
    PITIFUL.
    I am so done with this place.
    You think Oscar might
    Hurt Darla?

    Victor

    (Excited)

    Oh, Oscar went off.
    He was
    Waving a KNIFE.

    (Making crazy face then seeing her expression, excuses)

    Hey, it’s not MY fault.

    Emily
    It totally is!

    Victor
    It’s not my fault
    In any court of law!
    Now WHO’S the one snoozing
    Through civics and Dare.
    I didn’t say
    Kill the bitch!
    That’s all HIS idea.
    My conscience is CLEAR.
    And by the way, sister
    You’re in this
    To your eyebrows.

    Emily
    Victor, you’re a
    BASTARD!

    Victor
    HEY!

    (Emily rushes offstage. Lights out.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Boys’ Locker Room. (Pinups, graffiti and team fight posters. Oscar suiting up in full quarterback regalia while Victor emerges from behind the open locker door to watch enviously)

    Victor
    So –
    How’s it hangin’?

    Oscar

    (With relish)

    I’m a man, bro!
    Thought I was a grown but
    I was only a baby;
    I knew nothing.
    Real manhood
    Comes in the arms of
    The most beautiful woman on earth.

    Victor
    Right you are! That’s
    One hot chick.

    (He makes certain Oscar can see the pic displayed. Oscar bites.)

    Oscar
    What’s that, my bro?
    Where’d you get that?

    Victor

    (Very cool)

    Everyone’s got it.
    Clint’s got it
    Rocky’s got it and
    Cody sent it – all
    From Darla’s phone.

    Oscar

    (Building rage)

    Darla sent? That’s not
    Possible!

    Victor
    Sure! Sent by Darla – with
    Some hot message – I forget what
    Why not ask him? Question
    Everyone.

    Oscar
    No! I don’t believe it!

    Victor
    Hey – should a chick who looks like this
    Keep it to herself?
    She belongs to the world –
    Once those pics escape –
    They’re everyone’s treasure.
    Stokin’ strokes
    The universe around. I say
    Long live the hotties
    That keeps us a-boilin’!

    Oscar

    (Strikes the phone from Victor’s hand)

    Callin’ Darla
    A whore man?
    Is that what this is?
    Well? Are you?

    (He’s scary but Victor calmly rescues his phone)

    Victor
    Oscar, you and I know
    There’s two kindsa women.
    It’s not rocket science
    Telling them apart.

    Oscar

    (Still very distraught – looks away)

    Darla was a virgin.

    (Victor laughs – pretends to stifle)

    Victor
    Did she say that?

    (Sniggers – what a hoot)

    Victor
    Can’t blame her my man –
    That’s what they all say –
    Trying to cuff you.

    Oscar

    (Struggling with his dignity)

    She was a virgin
    I can promise you.
    She bled – there was
    Pain.

    Victor

    (Dismissive)

    God bless modern science!
    They have cute little ways.
    It’s only fun playing the game if
    Everybody knows
    The score.
    Too late, now, huh? Right?
    She safe NOW – can’t nobody
    Prove her wrong.

    (Touches his head)

    But players in the know –
    We know. And we’re the ones who
    Never get played.

    Oscar
    You’ll never feel
    What we shared.

    (Struggling with emotion looks like he might cry)

    Victor

    (Grabbing him)

    There’s ways to get wise, bro.
    Was she all over you?
    Did she know
    What to do?
    How’s a truly innocent girl
    Learn that dirty stuff?

    Oscar
    She wanted to
    Please me. We were
    Sharing our souls!

    Victor
    Yeah she did!

    (Looking at his phone)

    This don’t look like
    Soul-sharing to me!
    Looks like
    Ball dandling and
    Booby sucking!
    Thot tricks!
    Someone’s got
    A new booby tonight!

    Oscar
    Does EVERYONE have this?

    Victor
    It’s too good to keep private.
    Community property
    Keeps everyone fed.

    (Oscar collapses on the bench, head in hands)

    Oscar
    We wanted
    All of each other –
    I thought –
    We fit together so right!

    Victor

    (Very paternal – hand on Oscar’s shoulder)

    Did she come, man?
    That’s the key-
    Virgins CAN’T come
    The first time
    It’s technically
    Impossible!

    Oscar

    (Reeling from the pain)

    I wanted to share
    The bliss that she gave me.

    (Breaks down sobbing – Victor is thrilled with power)

    Victor
    You been cuck’d, man!

    (Fake commiseration)

    My poor, hurting brother.
    You trade yourself so
    Cheap. Real men
    Keep eyes open. Once
    You let her rule –
    Sacrifice manhood to pleasure
    You’ve lost all control.
    You’re cuck’d.

    Oscar
    Cuck’d!

    (This is worse than he’d figured)

    Victor
    Hear the bros laughing?
    You sucked on her
    Titties like some monster big baby
    You went down
    Till lockjaw set in
    Tossed her salad
    Licked her taint
    For the world’ entertainment.

    Oscar

    (Rises up raging like a crazy gorilla – throws Victor off – banging between the metal lockers – making animal noises –
    like he’ll pull the place down)

    Argh!!! Argh argh argh!!!!

    Victor

    (Thrilled – afraid and amused – he wants on this wild ride)

    Whoa, Nellie!
    Hang on to
    Your reason,
    Get a grip on
    Your manhood!
    Exercise CONTROL my brutha.

    Oscar

    (shaking him like a rat)

    I’m cuck’d
    My manhood’s GONE!
    Cuck’d!
    I gave it away!

    Victor

    (Teeth chattering, he tries to calm his beast)

    Seek revenge, Brutha!
    Stand up for who you are!
    No man’s cuck’d
    Without his
    Permission.

    Oscar
    What’s left for me
    In this world?
    I’m a dead man!

    Victor

    (abracadabra hands)

    Throw it back in her face!
    Tell her
    She “fell” for your
    Quarterback strategy –
    Tell her YOU made that
    Movie – YOU were the one
    Determined to score.
    Turn the tables!
    Who is king? Be
    Your father and his father
    Your grandfather before you!
    You know what they stood for.
    Women are like ponies
    Made to be broken.

    Oscar

    (Drops Victor, collapses, clutching his heart)

    Too late.
    It’s all gone.
    She took my manhood.
    I got no honor left.

    Victor

    (Impatient)

    Rise up my brother
    Throw off this oppression
    Tell her she’s DONE.
    Stand tall! Take your life back.
    Be a man! Your brothers
    WANT to look up to you.

    Oscar

    (Rising slowly)

    Take my life back.
    A life for a life.

    Victor

    (Dancing a little jig – he has no idea where this is going but he’s happy to go along)

    Counting coup, brother!
    Take a scalp! Take
    A trophy!

    Oscar
    She needs to PAY!

    Victor

    (Crowing)

    She’s gotta be
    SCHOOLED – schooled by

    (Trying to high – five an unseeing Oscar)

    The Master!

    Oscar
    She must
    KNEEL

    Victor

    (Dancing)

    She’s gotta KNEEL!

    Oscar
    Time for her to
    PRAY

    Victor

    (Boo-ga-loo)

    She’s gotta
    PRAY!

    Oscar

    (Pulling open switchblade)

    Then she DIES

    (thrusting, stabbing moves)

    Victor

    (Incredulous – frozen – hides a giggle)

    She DIES?

    Oscar
    A man fights!
    Men seek revenge!
    Women must pay!

    Victor

    (Rapid recovery – loving what he’s hearing)

    Time to
    Get your manhood back!
    ‘Cause otherwise you’re

    (They say it together, staring out at the audience)

    Victor & Oscar

    Cuck’d!

    (Fadeout)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Oscar and Darla after Prom

    at the Football Field– Victor’s Rap. (Prom music playing while Oscar and Darla, under confetti-filled pink light and dressed in prom finery, sway close together gazing into each other’s eyes. Victor appears at the top of graffiti-covered scoreboard, rhythmically pounding his chest & rapping to the music)

    Victor
    Life is HARSH
    Life is CRUEL
    Look for justice and
    You’re a FOOL
    Man’s got BLOOD
    Man’s got SWEAT
    Without stone courage
    Ain’t nothing to GET
    Gotta have WILES
    Gotta be CLEVER
    Gotta think faster
    Gotta plan BETTER
    Keep yo PITY
    Freeze yo TEARS
    Kids comin’ up today
    Deserve yo JEERS.
    They ain’t SMART
    They got NOTHIN’
    Tryin’ to take you
    They’ll try ANYTHING
    Winners don’t SLEEP
    Losers don’t EAT
    The king can’t trust
    The hos at his FEET
    Can’t trust his MEN
    Can’t trust his “FRIENDS”
    King’s got steel
    Instead of “AMENS”
    King’s got GUNS
    King’s got PILLS
    Only the King
    KNOWS WHAT THE GAME IS
    We’re the knowers
    We’re the deciders
    Who’s the RIDER and
    Who the RIDE IS:
    Last minute trap
    Last minute DEAD
    ‘Cause the King’s got eyes
    In the back of his HEAD.
    “Pleasure doing business”
    Says the little lamb
    Just before King
    Hits the Grand slam:
    Boom! They drop DOWN
    Boom! They go FALL
    Never knowed nothing
    Hit them at all.

    (Lights out on Victor, satisfied, arms crossed.)

    Scene 3: (Darla & Oscar, on the Football Field in their prom clothes, dance alone in a spotlight; eyes only on each other. The couple spins, dips, his hands all over her)

    Oscar
    Oooooo…
    That was some pic
    Some beauty
    You made just for me.

    Darla
    Only for you.
    I never shaved before ‘cause
    I never wanted to –
    Much less take nudies.
    But for you I’m your
    Anything.

    Oscar
    Anything?

    Darla
    Anything.

    (He holds her closer)

    Oscar
    You’re only for me, darlin’
    I’m only for you.

    (Long lingering kiss)

    You’re so hot.
    Why you so hot?
    Are you hot for me?

    Darla
    I never knew
    What “hot” was
    Till I saw you
    And then I
    Burned.
    O, Baby how
    I burned!

    (She writhes in his arms)

    I wanted all of you!
    I’m so hot right now!

    Oscar
    I did that?

    Darla
    You did that.

    Oscar
    Well now we’re alone.

    Darla
    Finally! I never thought
    We’d get out of there.

    Oscar
    Just you.
    Just me.

    Darla
    Nothing we can’t do!

    Oscar
    Nothing we can’t take!

    Darla
    Nobody else around.

    Oscar
    Nothing we can’t have!
    Just me. Just
    You. And what I want
    To do to you.

    Darla
    Teach me.
    Take me.
    School me.
    Break me.
    I want you to be my
    Everything.

    Oscar
    You know what that means.
    Once a man starts –
    You know he can’t stop.

    Darla
    I don’t want you to stop.

    (In the faint light, Victor appears at the bottom of the score sign, arms crossed, watching. Darla pulls away and begins a slow strip tease, Victor clicking photos on his phone)

    Darla
    I want to be naked
    Naked for you.

    Oscar
    Holy Mother you
    Are so beautiful!

    (Oscar struggles with his clothes, they fall down wrestling together – clothes off. Lights fade.)

  • Cuck’d: a play

    Emily & Darla Sleepover

    Darla’s bedroom. (Darla sprawled on canopy bed. Enter Emily carrying a big bowl of popcorn – both girls wear pajamas)

    Darla
    Oh, Emily, I’m in love!

    (rolls from side to side)

    Why didn’t you tell me
    What passion is like?
    You’ve been holding
    Out on me!

    Emily
    Cool your tits, Angel.
    You tell ME
    What IS love like?
    I’ve never felt it.

    Darla

    (sits up abruptly)

    Oh, stop it! What you been
    Doing with Victor
    Ever since grade school!

    Emily
    Can’t seem to escape him.

    Darla
    Oh Emily
    Don’t be such a stone face.
    Did you fight with Victor?
    You know
    I’m ALWAYS on your side.
    Relationships take work.

    Emily
    That’s what they say.
    I just realized Victor and I
    Have nothing in common.

    Darla
    If you’re wanting out
    Just tell him to go.
    I did it with Rocky. It
    Wasn’t so hard.
    He made boo-hoo faces
    And then it was over.

    Emily

    (Sad laugh)

    It’s too late now. There’s no point.
    You know Victor – he’d make
    My life hell. Besides –
    Auditioning new guys
    Turns girls into sluts.
    It ain’t worth it. I’ll wait
    Till college to make a fresh start.

    Darla
    So tell me, Emily
    ‘Cause I’m growing up and
    I need to know –
    Did you do it? Do
    “The nasty?”

    Emily
    Not TECHNICALLY
    Telling the truth
    “Plausible deniability”.

    When my Gran asks –
    And she asks all the time –
    I want to deny it.

    Darla
    That’s too bad.
    I’m not judging.
    Believe me. It just sounds
    Kinda sad. Maybe Victor’s NOT
    Right for you. I always thought
    I’d wait till marriage. But lately
    I BEEN FEELING it… Feeling that
    Tingle.

    (she shivers all over)

    Emily
    Which tingle is that?

    Darla

    (Touches her thighs)

    THIS tingle. Like
    I want to get WITH him
    And let him release me.
    I got fire building up inside –
    I’m so sick of virginity
    It’s really exhausting.
    I just long to be HELD –
    You know – penetrated –
    INFUSED.

    Emily
    Wow, girl!
    You feel that for Oscar?

    Darla

    (Falls back dreamily)

    I want to give myself
    TOTALLY. Let him
    Strip me stark naked and do
    Whatever he wants.

    Emily
    Whoa girl! Believe me
    There’s only one thing they want.
    And you could be sorry.
    Forever after.

    Darla
    Oh, who cares? Gotta woman up
    At some point. I’m facing
    Maturity. Sick
    Of seeing a world through
    Saran-Wrap and
    Being called “Ice Rink”.
    You KNOW that’s what they call me –
    Don’t you deny it
    I’m starting to get
    Freezer burn!

    (They both laugh)

    Emily
    But girl, it’s so random!
    Why now? And why him?

    Darla
    It’s not random AT ALL!
    Have you seen Oscar?
    He’s so DREAMY
    You can tell right away he’s different
    He’s so handsome and big!

    Emily
    That’s not new.

    Darla
    He’s so sweet –

    Emily
    So is Clint. So is Cody.

    Darla
    But they don’t like real girls.
    They want “avatars”.
    Or each other.
    Or whatever.

    Emily
    Rocky adored you.

    Darla
    Rocky’s a faker.
    Rocky’s a fake MAN.
    They’re all little boys.

    Emily
    I think I know what you mean
    Darla – and Victor – he’s
    The worst of the lot.

    Darla
    I’ll help you get away
    Anytime you want.

    Emily
    He’s a cheater.

    Darla
    I think he likes bragging.
    Heard him talk about Brandy! He’s SO
    Disrespectful.

    Emily
    But Brandy’s a slut.
    You gotta admit.

    Darla

    (Fingering her cross)

    She’s a real human person.

    (Moonily)

    Oscar’s so sympathetic
    Oscar CRIES easily!
    His tears are for real.
    He’s not ashamed
    To weep right in front of me.
    Those others are posers.

    Emily
    I know THAT’s true. We’re all
    Trying for something we’re not.

    Darla
    You’re too hard on yourself,
    Emily, you think too much
    And that’s the truth.

    Emily
    High school is hell.

    Darla
    But maybe it can be different!
    I mean, if people are
    Respectful.
    Oscar’s a MAN
    Who honors his women
    He puts them on
    Pedestals!

    Emily
    So why did he cry?

    Darla
    When I took his ring.
    If you could have been there!
    He has such soft eyes, but
    He’s so manly, and he’s
    So talented! Did you see
    His football workout? Gorgeous
    Deep chest, long thighs
    With dimples, and
    He treats me so well!

    (She whispers)

    He calls me his Queen!

    Emily

    (laughing)

    Girl, you’ve got it bad.

    Darla
    But Oscar is special!
    Oh, Emily, admit!
    He went down on ONE KNEE
    To ask me to prom!
    What guy here would do that?

    Emily
    You’re right. They’re all
    Cunts.

    Darla
    But aren’t cunts all female?

    Emily
    Cunts are anyone two-faced
    Vicious and scheming.

    Darla
    But WE’RE not like that.

    Emily
    Some girls are and
    You know it
    Shamers and
    Haters. Plotters and
    Backstabbers.
    Jealous and
    Mean.

    Darla
    You shouldn’t say that.
    I want Oscar
    To love my poor cunt
    That’s never been loved
    Not once in its life.

    Emily
    OmiGOD Darla
    You’re courting disaster!
    Who’d think those words
    Would come out of the mouth
    Of Darla the prude!

    Darla

    (laughing)

    I know, right?
    My Dad would DIE!

    Emily
    EVERYONE would die!

    Darla
    I would get a labia ring
    If Oscar wanted me to.

    Emily
    Darla! You’re
    CRAZY!

    Darla
    Of course I’m crazy!
    Oh Emily, you know
    What I’m feeling
    Love is magic, Love is
    Powerful, Love
    Dignifies everything. To tell you the truth
    I don’t think my poor Dad
    Ever had it – Most
    Grownups don’t and that’s why
    Old folks conspire
    For us to be lonely
    And empty and withered
    And just be
    Like them.

    Emily
    You could be right there.

    Darla
    Well, Oscar’s no cunt and
    He’s not a prick either: He’d
    Love me so gentle
    I’d never be scared.
    He kisses so tender…
    Says we’re “touring heaven”.

    Emily
    Oh wow. Now I’m jealous.

    Darla
    Every girl deserves this!
    We DESERVE to be courted.
    Get our flowers, our
    Moonlight,
    Chocolate kisses,
    Body healing.

    Emily
    Victor would say it’s
    “Low-T”.

    Darla
    You’ve got to
    Get rid of that guy!
    That guy’s a menace!
    His mind poisons everything
    And the other guys follow
    Then WE’RE the ones begging.

    Emily
    Darla! YOU’VE
    Never had to beg.

    Darla
    And I’ve been alone
    Taking my gay cousin to dances
    Year after year
    Fighting off Cody
    Then fighting off Rocky.
    I’ve never wanted to
    “Play the game” –
    That’s why we’re friends ‘cause
    You don’t either.
    The boys want us to –
    What’d you call it?
    They want us to
    “Audition” and you –

    Emily
    Prefer the hell that I know.
    I see what you mean. Sure hope
    College is different.

    Darla
    Don’t we deserve
    Real love?
    Doesn’t Brandy?

    Emily
    Hey girl you’re converting
    Me. Maybe we’ve been unlucky
    In this depraved gene pool.
    Maybe someplace
    Nerds blossom –
    Want girls instead of video –
    And the guys you can talk to
    Become the guys you can cuddle.

    Darla
    I’ll drink to that!
    Wine cooler?
    I’ve got peach and I’ve
    Got pineapple.

    (loudly opens a pair of cans – they toast. Darla says dreamily)

    I don’t need college
    I’ll go where Oscar goes.
    If he asks me to marry him
    I would say yes.

    (Emily sits on the bed stuffing popcorn like she’s at the movies)

    Emily
    You are TOO MUCH,
    Darla! You go girl!
    But I gotta say I hope
    We all sober up someday.

    Darla
    I guess I’m just high.
    I’m high on LO-OOVE.

    Emily
    You are hormonal is what.
    But I kind of like it
    Crazy. I mean what kind of world
    Would we have if girls could make choices
    And guys weren’t
    Trying to trick us?
    It’d be PARADISE.

    Darla
    Now you see what I mean!
    Some guys are so rare
    When you know
    You just KNOW! Emily,
    Tell me the truth.
    Do you think I’m beautiful?

    Emily
    EVERYONE thinks you’re beautiful
    You should KNOW
    That by now. If you have no confidence
    There’s no hope for the rest of us
    That’s for sure.

    Darla
    It’s what Oscar thinks
    That worries me.
    Seen pix of his family?

    (Emily shakes her head)

    Six sisters – gorgeous and dark
    Multiply curvy with
    Hair to their waists.
    They’re ALL way – way – WAY
    Prettier than me.

    Emily
    Darla –
    Blond girls are PRIZED.
    You’re a “white tiger”
    Something Oscar hasn’t seen.
    Nobody wants the familiar.

    Darla
    Here’s what I’m thinking:
    Don’t girls share their bodies
    With the man that they love?
    Don’t all guys want
    Nudies? That’s what
    I’m wondering.

    (Gestures down at her body)

    Do you think THIS
    Could be beautiful?

    Emily
    Every part of YOU
    Is beautiful!

    Darla
    You think?
    I’m so shy!
    Maybe he’d
    Get all turned off?
    Would he snigger?

    Emily
    That’s impossible.
    Who could snigger at ANYONE
    As lovely as you?
    I hope Oscar is really different.

    Darla
    I know that he is.
    I don’t want to scare him but
    I want him to know how I feel.

    Emily
    Oscar’s your paradise.
    Mine is a college
    Where men look at nudes
    Without sniggering.

    Darla
    Oscar IS my paradise.
    I don’t care about any man but him.
    If he wanted to show my
    Nudie I’d let him.

    Emily
    Men are such scorekeepers
    They score us and grade us –
    Maybe your
    Beauty will silence them.

    Darla
    I imagine Oscar and me
    For our first “forever”
    Undressing together
    Like Adam and Eve.

    Emily
    I hate to break it but
    There’s no motel
    Moonlight;
    There’s only fluorescence
    Like the meat rack at
    Safeway. That’s
    Cruelest on blondes.
    Were you thinking
    Backseats or
    Dunes at the beach?

    Darla

    (Jumps up pacing)

    That is NOT what I
    Picture: I see us
    Like children:
    Tangled in clover
    Asleep in the sun.

    Emily
    Maybe it’s too late
    For all of us.
    Boys love porn more than
    Beer, and now
    They’re all addicted.

    Darla
    Not Oscar!
    Porn’s against his religion!
    Oscar’s religious!

    Emily
    I know they SAY that but
    Is it true? Maybe
    They can’t help it:
    That stuff’s in the air
    Their fathers and brothers
    Are watching it too
    Summer camp, Boy scouts:
    Their world’s a pornado.

    Darla

    (Worried)

    So what’s he expect? Now
    You’ve got me all scared.
    How can I be sexy
    Without being a porn star?

    Emily
    We need pix! We need
    Glamor. We need
    Flattering lighting.
    Believe me
    I’ve been there
    I’ve got pix of my own.

    Darla
    No, really?

    (Emily offers her phone)

    Wow! Who’d know
    That was you
    You’re like some sort
    Of goddess!

    Emily
    They’ve GOT to stay secret; this is
    Not a good look for
    College admissions.

    Darla

    (Looking down her pajama bottoms)

    I need some self-tanner!
    I look like
    Perdue chicken; my
    Poor scrawny pussy
    Has never seen daylight.
    How could I think
    Oscar would want this?

    Emily
    You just need landscaping
    Sister, all of us do
    I swear it’s no biggie.

    Darla
    I’m gonna get zits!

    Emily
    Not if I moisturize.
    I’ll use a fresh razor; trust
    A sensitive blade;
    Wielded by
    Someone who loves you.

    Darla
    Emily – you’re so poetic!
    You really would do that?

    Emily
    Moisturize first and
    Moisturize after.
    That’s my guarantee.

    Darla
    I’ll be dripping down there!

    Emily
    You’re ALREADY
    Dripping and
    That’s the point!

    (They both laugh)

    Darla

    (Grabs Emily’s drink and throws herself backwards on the bed)

    No more booze for you!
    I need a steady hand
    All the help I can get –
    We can’t expect poor Oscar
    To see through a jungle!

    Emily
    Lucky I’m sleeping over!
    I brought my whole kit.

    (produces cosmetics case)

    Strip off those undies.
    Let’s get this
    Party started.

    Darla
    God – it’s so
    Embarrassing!

    Emily
    Less embarrassing than
    The salon with a stranger –
    I’ve been there, too.
    You spend cash money
    To get treated like shit!
    They give you diseases
    Like some Chinese fungus
    You NEVER get rid of
    Then say it’s your fault.

    Darla

    (Slipping out of her pajama bottoms – Emily blocks our view)

    Is this going to hurt?

    Emily
    Not as much as tattoos
    And you’ve got one of those.

    Darla
    I’m getting another –
    “I Love Oscar” in Spanish.

    Emily

    (Noise of whipped scream dispenser)

    You better careful
    ‘Cause foreigners lie –
    Just to make us look stupid.
    Brandy asked for “Prosperity”
    And it really says
    “Whore”.
    Don’t move.
    I’ll leave a nice
    Landing strip.

    Darla

    (sighs ecstatically)

    For Oscar to touchdown!

    (She lies back – submitting)

    Wish I’d studied Spanish
    Instead of stupid old French.

    Emily
    We all should speak
    Mandarin
    According to my Gran.

    Darla
    I’ll let Oscar choose
    My tattoo –
    He’ll know what to say.

    Emily
    Men really like that.

    Darla
    Here’s hoping.
    Ooooo – it tickles!

    Emily
    You don’t have so much
    So this part is easy.

    Darla

    (Giggles)

    Feels weird knowing
    You’re the one who’s
    Touching me there.

    Emily
    Victor says
    All girls are lesbos.

    Darla
    Victor says?
    We’ve established that
    Victor is crazy.
    Don’t listen to him.

    Emily
    He says that’s why
    Men dominate; ‘cause
    We don’t really need them.
    If we had any choice
    He thinks we’d get rid of them!
    I told him who wouldn’t go
    Lesbo when
    Men are so awful and
    Dicks ain’t that pretty.

    Darla
    I bet all of Oscar
    Is beautiful
    Strong, dark and –

    Emily
    Handsome – yeah –
    I heard it the first time.
    I need some water.

    (She empties popcorn in a handy backpack and enters bathroom. We hear running water.)

    Darla
    Bet Oscar won’t manscape.

    Emily
    Well, he should. He’s
    A bear.

    Darla
    I like him warm and
    Furry. It makes it
    So real.

    Emily

    (Returning)

    Smooth and hairless –
    That’s what Victor is.
    Spread ‘em Sister.

    (Darla shrieks with laughter)

    Emily
    DO NOT MOVE.
    This is the tough part.
    Hold your breath.
    DO NOT LAUGH
    DO NOT GIGGLE.
    Think of Oscar
    Stark naked.

    Darla

    (sighs rapturously)

    I hope he
    Trades me a selfie!

    Emily
    Men love showing off.
    Why shouldn’t they?
    Without repercussions
    They do what they feel.
    Almost done –
    That’s a good girl.

    Darla
    Prom night’s the night.
    But I’m scared
    Do you bleed?

    Emily
    Slow down, girl!
    If you go all the way
    You need to think
    Birth control!

    Darla
    Nobody gets pregnant
    The first time!

    (Excitement ripples Darla – Emily inhales a gasp)

    Emily
    That might not be true. Better
    Check yourself before you
    Wreck yourself!

    Darla
    I don’t like all this planning!
    Men think planners are
    Sluts. Don’t men do the birth control?
    My Dad’s all “condoms condoms
    Condoms” like it’s some sort of
    Prayer. Not to me, naturally
    But I overhear when
    He talks to the team.

    Emily
    You could just tell him
    You don’t want to go
    All the way the first time!
    Then enlist
    Some doctor’s help.

    Darla
    But I want to
    Belong to him totally!
    I want him in the pilot seat
    Making all the decisions.

    Emily
    What if you get knocked up?

    Darla
    That’s God’s to decide.

    Emily
    You could be really sorry
    Oscar might dump you.

    Darla
    You don’t know Oscar.
    Family’s everything to him.
    Sticking together and
    Blood relations are RELIGION
    To him. Our baby will
    Connect usForever and ever!
    You’ve got to admit – a kid
    Gets you out of the
    Cheating and lying game.

    Emily
    Hold still. No more moving.
    Victor says all men cheat.

    Darla
    He’s insecure.
    I can’t see Oscar cheating
    He’s got tattoos
    Of his mother AND
    Virgin Mary
    RIGHT ON HIS CHEST!

    Emily
    Some girls like a challenge
    And men have no willpower.
    There you go! All done!
    Towel yourself off
    And admire your
    BALDNESS.

    (Hands her a towel and mirror)

    Darla
    Wow, thanks Em
    Such a friend.
    It looks much less scary
    And more like a child.
    But it feels so strange.
    Feels so NAKED –
    Am I beautiful now?

    Emily
    You were beautiful BEFORE
    And now you are perfect!

    Darla
    Get my phone! Time for
    Photos! Lay my hand
    Just like this and
    You can see Oscar’s ring.

    Emily
    Gotta see face or
    This shot could be anybody.

    (She pulls bed curtain to obscure audience’s vision, unshades lamp for lighting)

    Darla
    Will he like it?

    Emily
    Of course he’ll like it!
    I just pressed send.

    Darla

    (snuggling with comforter)

    Let me see.
    Oh, wow!
    When will he answer?
    How long must I wait?

    Emily
    Don’t lose any sleep –
    Tonight’s the team dinner,
    And they can’t have their phones.
    It’s all your Dad’s rules.

    Darla
    Can you IMAGINE
    No phones?
    What gets into old people?
    Why are they weird?

    Emily
    Just jealous, I guess.
    We’re still young and beautiful – they’re
    So old and hopeless.
    They wish they were us.

    Darla
    You’re probably right.

    (Arms reaching up)

    Let’s watch a scary movie.

    Emily
    I’ve got the scariest!
    Screwfly Solution – parasites
    From outer space
    Oozing into everybody.

    Darla
    Oooooooo!

    (Emily pulls the curtains and jumps into bed – Darla touches remote -Lights fade blue light shines on their faces as the two cuddle together.)