SCENE 5: Bo Tries to reach over an audience member – pulls 3 times on his rope – whose end disappears into darkness.)
BO (To audience member) Work with me here. You got anything? I have to take her SOMETHING.
(Audience members confer. The hand him a program. Putting it in his mouth like a dog BO gets down on hands and knees and starts to crawl back. Darkness on him, lights up on HEDJ & REV.)
SCENE 6: HEDJ & REV are lying on their backs, clothing disarranged, staring up at the ceiling panting. Long pause. )
REV Oh, my God that was fantastic. I’m still feeling it.
HEDJ So…do you believe in God?
REV I most definitely do not.
HEDJ You talk a lot about God for a person who doesn’t believe in God.
REV God! I do not! I believe in karma though. This whole thing started out as incredibly bad karma.
HEDJ You believe in karma?
REV The way I see it, you HAVE to. What goes around comes around. It all started when I nicknamed Muffy McGuire “Muffintop”. She’s been a monster ever since.
HEDJ So everything’s YOUR fault?
REV Only my part of it! You’ve got your own karma, buster.
HEDJ There was that white light, though. I definitely saw it.
REV Dude, that was just your brain cells bubbling in a mix of boiling adrenalin and your own fat.
HEDJ Mrs. Cryder, though. I remembered her name! What the heck was she doing there?
REV Random. Purely random.
HEDJ She was always telling me I wasn’t living up to my fullest potential.
REV
See? It’s like some Freudian thing.
HEDJ I feel like it meant something I should figure out but I still can’t. She was always talking about “The Third Solution.”
REV
The third solution or the Final Solution?
HEDJ
The third solution – the one that isn’t there. You do believe in mental telepathy, I’m assuming?
REV Mental telepathy?
HEDJ Yeah. You know, seeing stuff before it’s going to happen and –
REV That’s not mental telepathy, that’s precognition.
HEDJ Whatever. If it got put in your head from someone else’s head it’s telepathy. Hasn’t that happened to you? Looking at someone and knowing what he’s thinking? Having the exact same idea at the exact same time?
REV But the timing is illusory. People hear an idea, it sounds familiar and they think that means they had it too. They hear a song on the radio that the know and they tell everyone, “I was just thinking of that!” It was just in their head – with a whole lot of other stuff nobody mentioned.
HEDJ You’ve led a deprived existence. Don’t tell me you and some buddy have never guessed each other’s thoughts! Like you’re sharing a brain.
REV You and your buddies ARE sharing a brain! And you should get a new one!
HEDJ Come on, work with me here! You’re already busted – you’re not as hostile as you pretend! All I’m saying is we could send a message – both of us at the same time – to Bo and – your friend – to find us.
REV
Good idea.
HEDJ Good idea?
REV Frankly I’m too exhausted for anything else.
HEDJ So you’ll try it? If I show up you’ll admit I’m right?
REV They COULD just be tracking our electric heat signatures.
HEDJ (Sitting up)
That is total bullshit! You are SO argumentative!
REV (She sits up too) A natural lawyer, though, right? That’s what my Dad says.
HEDJ Well I’m too proud to use circular logic.
REV That was NOT circular logic!
HEDJ Now you’re just disrupting our unity. We need to send a unified signal – WHATEVER it is.
REV OK , Boss.
(She settles back.)
It was your idea. You can own this one. Tell me what to do.
HEDJ Stop turning me on!
REV
I wasn’t turning you on! Your disturbed leadership style wouldn’t turn anybody on!
HEDJ
Then why are YOU turned on?
REV
Leave me and my poor starved body out of this.
HEDJ
Maybe you can’t help it. We have to lean restraint.
(Enormous visible effort) OK, picture those two in your mind. Wandering, lost, pathetic. Thirsty. Depressed. Probably starving. Got it?
REV (Eyes closed) Fighting, I bet.
HEDJ Hold that picture. Then think, COME, COME, COME.
REV
YOU’RE trying to turn ME on!
HEDJ
I totally was not! It just got away from me!
REV No way am I thinking anything as stupid as “come, come”! What is this, some cheesy vampire flick?
HEDJ Then what’s YOUR suggestion?
REV How about “Find us. We’re here.”
HEDJ That’s good. Very Occam’s Razor.
REV Thank you.
HEDJ Simple, so I like it better. Don’t you dare say what you’re thinking!
REV You’re reading MY mind now?
HEDJ You were going to say I am simple. Well, I am and I’m not ashamed of it!
REV Wow! You totally CAN read minds!
HEDJ Stop turning me on!
REV Stop putting words in my mouth!
HEDJ (He crosses his legs desperately)
Stop putting thoughts in my head!
REV Your HEAD is not your problem. We have to focus on the job at hand.
HEDJ (Rocking) Focus, focus. OK, then. Ready?
REV God, what if I just fall asleep? I’m SO exhausted. I don’t think I’ve slept in MONTHS.
HEDJ That’s even better. It’s more powerful if we DREAM them into finding us!
REV You are one interesting guy! You believe in the power of dreams? I dream in 4D!
HEDJ Doesn’t everybody? God! How do people study if they can’t dream?
REV
Nobody studies by sleeping!
HEDJ
Well, you SHOULD or you’ll never learn anything. If knowledge doesn’t penetrate the subliminal level –
REV
It isn’t knowledge. Roger, Dodger.
HEDJ
Just tell yourself you’re going to DREAM about them finding us.
SCENE 4: (Lights down on this couple and up on Back of Stage where HEDJ is splashing in a stream)
HEDJ Help! Help! Help!
(REV appears, tries to lasso him)
REV Stop struggling!
HEDJ Stop struggling and DROWN? That’s all you’ve got to say?
REV
Lift up your arms!
(Finally gets the rope over him, hauls him out. He is soaking wet.)
HEDJ (Moaning) God, God, Oh God. I saw the white light.
REV That white light was ME rescuing your ass.
(Touches her miner’s light)
HEDJ No, this was different. I SAW people.
REV Dead people?
HEDJ My third grade teacher – dead or alive – I couldn’t say.
REV That’s a weird person to see!
HEDJ Isn’t it?
(He starts to undress)
That current is killer – you wouldn’t think to look at it but I’m warning you, it’s like its TRYING to drown you.
REV (Flabbergasted)
Don’t you dare strip! Why do men want to show everyone their equipment?
HEDJ We like comparing equipment. Seriously, though, I can’t wear these disgusting slimy clothes one more second.
(Strips down to his boxers)
My button-fly’s are decent.
(Throws the clothes a distance)
Don’t touch those. Bo would say they’re full of invisible leech babies!
REV You are disgusting. I don’ t want to touch you or your disgusting slimy clothes. Do you have leeches on you?
HEDJ
(He peers down the front of his pants)
Shine your light down here.
REV I will not!
HEDJ
Then no.
(Snaps his elastic band with a satisfying “thwap”)
REV
Cover yourself up.
(She hands him her hoodie, which he dons. Its flower print looks utterly fem – plus it’s child-sized – and doesn’t meet in front)
HEDJ Thanks. I lost everything, including my watch! It was a good watch. Graduation gift.
REV You haven’t graduated yet!
HEDJ From high school! It had three time zones and a calculator.
REV Nothing works down here.
HEDJ Lucky we have an inborn time and distance sense located right behind our eyeballs.
REV Where’d you get that idea?
HEDJ I read my assignments. Unlike some people.
REV Well I read about it too and what I read is, if you don’t use it you lose it.
HEDJ How do you know I haven’t been using mine?
REV Because you FELL into an underground STREAM.
HEDJ It was dark! I got sucked in and swept off my feet!
REV We haven’t been down here long enough to get lost.
HEDJ How can you be sure? Prisoners totally lose track of time. They did this experiment where –
REV I know that one. They made some poor guy think fifteen hours was a twenty-four hour day.
HEDJ It wasn’t fifteen hours.
REV
Approximately.
HEDJ You think you know everything, don’t you?
REV I obviously didn’t know enough to stay out of this freakin’ cave.
HEDJ Maybe we’ve been down here for days.
REV We have NOT been down here for days! You can tell that! How many times have you gone to the bathroom, for example?
HEDJ God knows.
REV Yuck! Do men pee constantly without even knowing it?
HEDJ (Very interested)
You mean like bats?
REV Is that what bats do? Omigod. Let’s agree not to use the “b” word. My partner gets very upset.
HEDJ So you ARE gay.
REV God! What is it with frat boys! We are NOT GAY. ALL SORORITY GIRLS ARE NOT GAY.
HEDJ How do you know until you try? Seriously.
REV Well are YOU gay? WE thought you were.
HEDJ Would we be DOWN here risking all this danger if we were gay?
REV Don’t you realize that’s offensive?
HEDJ It’s OK be gay! I love gay people! Seriously, you should check it out. I would if I were you.
REV You’re making me want my hoodie back.
(He makes a move to disrobe, she stops him)
REV Forget it. Are you like a nudist or something?
HEDJ
I could be.
REV
Never mind. Let’s just get out of here.
HEDJ
Don’t we have to find the other two?
REV
I wasn’t suggesting abandoning them! Vayre! She was right here a minute ago.
HEDJ Bo! Buddy! Come back!
REV
THAT was half-hearted.
HEDJ
Well he’s upstream like a mile.
REV
(Very dejected)
Don’t say that! We’ll find them!
HEDJ This cave is bigger than we thought. It’s DAMN big.
REV It’s huge!
HEDJ It’s got a river!
REV That river is making this cave bigger!
(They both shout for their friends with an edge of panic)
HEDJ BO!
REV VAYRE!
HEDJ I don’t think sound travels well down here.
REV So that means they STILL could be close.
HEDJ (Checking out his forearm)
I was making a map on my arm with a Sharpie –
(Checks it)
Gone!
REV Wow! You couldn’t think to use a permanent marker? Lucky I’ve been making a map, and it’s right here.
(Takes a piece of paper out of her breast pocket – it disintegrates in her hands)
Oh my God!
HEDJ Who gives themselves a temporary tattoo with a permanent marker? You’d have me covered with random girls’ phone numbers.
(Snatching at the pieces)
Not like YOU’RE doing such a good job! It’s illegible!
REV This is your fault! I got SOAKED saving YOUR sorry ass!
HEDJ Hey, I’m sorry, but obviously you made the right decision.
REV What are you talking about? That map was WAY more important than some layer tattooed in random girls’ phone numbers!
HEDJ Hey!. I’m dyslexic! Its very easy for me to transpose numbers. But that hasn’t held me back ONE BIT because I’ve got Strategy.
REV You’ve got Strategy, have you? Ok, let’s see some.
HEDJ Well, for one thing there’s two of us figuring out how to get out of here. Right away that doubles our chances. When we find the others, it DOUBLES AGAIN. Particles in a bound state have more energy.
REV I’m not getting into a bound state with you! So where’s this other guy?
HEDJ We split up so we could cover more ground. He absolutely hated the idea.
(Shouts)
Bo! You were right! I’m sorry.
(They listen to the echo)
REV Maybe they found the way out.
HEDJ Bo wouldn’t do that.
REV Even if they tried looking for us and stepped out into daylight instead, do you think they’d turn around and rush back in?
HEDJ
At least they’d get help!
REV
I can hear them at the police station now. “How long have your friends been gone?” They don’t do anything for like seventy-two hours.
HEDJ This water must pour out somewhere. Maybe we should follow it?
REV To really follow it, we’d have to get into it.
HEDJ
Water talk is making me thirsty. Got any?
REV I don’t know if I want your parasitic slimy lips all over my water bottle!
HEDJ Just squirt it in my mouth!
(Gets down to beg with mouth open like a baby bird. REV takes out her water bottle)
HEDJ Well, if that’s all you’ve got you might as well just give it to me!
REV Hey! This is all we’ve got for the two of us!
HEDJ One squirt!
(She squirts some water at his mouth – it gets on his face)
Girls! Your aim is horrible! I’m like a foot away!
REV You keep moving your face! Just take it already!
(She gives him the water bottle, turns away to think)
We can only go forwards by going backwards. We have to figure out where we came from.
HEDJ You won the easy way! We crawled down a tunnel!
REV It was NOT the easy way! That hole was crumbling in on itself. We can’t get back that way, even if we could find it.
HEDJ Well, I’m not re-tracing that water ride. It’s a chute to hell. (Shudders)
It was like the world collapsed in on itself.
REV I’m not scared of a little water.
HEDJ We have to BELIEVE we can get out. This cave has been here for millions of years, so…
REV According to Heisenberg —
HEDJ Don’t you quote Heisenberg at me!
REV
Then what about Occam’s Razor?
HEDJ
What’s that got to do with anything? Reasoning from general cases doesn’t lead to knowledge? DOESN’T help us here!
REV
That’s not what Occam’s Razor says!
HEDJ
It is so!
REV
It is not! I’m pre-law and I know! Occam’s Razor says the simplest idea’s the likeliest!
HEDJ
You’re pre-law? Wow! So am I!
REV
So act like it! How do we get out of here?
HEDJ By facing facts, that’s how. Let’s not go near the river of slime.
REV “River of slime”? Wow. It’s like a metaphor for life!
HEDJ Or a metaphor for college! See? I’m an idea guy.
REV A METAPHOR-guy. A metaphorical guy.
HEDJ Hey, stick with me. I’m the meta-guy.
(Drains the bottle then tosses it away)
REV I’m arresting you for littering.
HEDJ Go ahead! Lock me up!
REV
You know, you’re one bad idea after another.
HEDJ
Hey! Coming down here was YOUR idea.
REV
Well, exploring was YOUR idea! This was supposed to be a simple recon and not the Bataan Death March.
HEDJ
Don’t quote history at me.
REV
Go ahead! Rewrite history if you don’t like it. It’s what your gender does best.
HEDJ So you’re like one of those femi-Nazis?
REV I know how to stand up for myself is all.
HEDJ Well, law is about finding the truth. I don’t believe in rewriting anything. More information beats less information. Every time.
REV
Except for burnout and information overload.
HEDJ
And that’s relevant how?
REV If we’re trapped between getting MORE lost and a river of slime I say we should stay put and let them find us.
HEDJ Maybe we should produce a constant noise? We could sing or something.
REV Vibrations could cause a cave-in!
HEDJ
But I’m High-T! I’ve got to do SOMETHING!
REV What an infant! “Blame the testosterone.”
(She sits down, defeatedly.)
HEDJ
So we should do nothing? That’s your solution?
REV
We respect the environment and don’t make things worse.
(He sits down beside her. She looks at floor and he looks at ceiling.)
HEDJ So…do you have a boyfriend?
REV You know very well I don’t have a boyfriend! We know all about your “Stud Book!”
HEDJ You can’t! I mean, we don’t call it that!
REV I’ve seen it. Where you rate and rank us down to the smallest detail. So why did I rank “Kill?”
HEDJ Hey, I didn’t vote for that.
REV I don’t get “marry” status? Not even “pity date”?
HEDJ See how you’re so mad right now? And you criticize everything? I have to tell you guys hate that.
REV I’m discriminating, is all. Discerning. Girls would never get mad if your crew didn’t always act like a bunch of five year olds on a field trip at the zoo!
HEDJ Ah, we just love yanking your chain. Remember that nerd you used to date?
REV Bruce?
HEDJ Yeah, that guy. You pissed him off when you broke up with him. He stuffed the ballot box.
REV I didn’t break up with HIM! He was dating another girl! Obviously the relationship was over!
HEDJ Well, we don’t see it that way.
REV If I was dating both you AND another guy you would!
(He seems to acknowledge the truth of this.)
Blame the testosterone again?
HEDJ It’s a psychoactive drug, am I right? Turns us into cavemen.
REV And guess what! Here we are in a cave!
HEDJ You know you have a problem with tone.
REV We’re stuck in a cave and I have a problem with TONE?
HEDJ Yeah, to be frank. This whole self-presentation is just not working for you. You’re coming off as way too butch.
REV This butch RESCUED you, buddy!
HEDJ I’m just saying, nobody likes a nag.
REV You’re not even a very good caveman!
(HEDJ who was lounging, sits up)
HEDJ Oh, I’m a bad caveman now?
REV Since we’re being honest.
HEDJ You know, I can’t believe you’re pre-law. I had you pegged for like, drill team.
REV That is not a concentration! Didn’t bother to put majors in your Stud Book, did you? Didn’t seem important, I guess! My bra-size though – you care deeply about THAT.
HEDJ
(He’s been sizing her up)
Are you as aroused right now as me?
REV
More!
(Mutual lunge, start kissing passionately. Kissing turns into fighting.)
REV We should so NOT be doing this.
HEDJ (More slapping, more kissing, grunting as dialog is punctuated by kisses and grabs; each trying to pin the other)
Give me one good reason.
REV
Because we’ll hate ourselves in the morning?
HEDJ
But what if we love ourselves?
REV
Men are so changeable, is the problem.
HEDJ
And women aren’t?
(He almost gets on top – she flips him)
You’re so totally not my type.
REV And you’re not anybody’s type.
HEDJ I’m everybody’s type. I’ve had a lot more girls than you.
REV Plus, you’re a slut! Mister, if you “had” people, you didn’t “get” anything.
(She manages to pin him, gasps exhaustedly, then he flips her. Falls off her. Exhausted mutual panting.)
HEDJ What if we both agree to stay on the bottom?
(Removing each other’s clothes)
REV This is SUCH a bad idea. I mean, where can this lead?
HEDJ (Tender kissing)
Bad places. Bad, bad places.
REV You’re not protected and I’m not protected.
HEDJ We are so, so unprotected.
REV Completely vulnerable. I hope this isn’t just because we’re desperate.
HEDJ Desperation is the human condition. Actually, I feel a lot less desperate round you.
REV
Why’s that?
HEDJ
Because I like to measure everything but you can’t measure a superposition.
REV You can if you practice restraint.
HEDJ Tantric entanglement, here I am!
(They wrestle and pant, exhausted.)
REV
Pick one quick: dream or a nightmare?
HEDJ
Fantasy! Glorious sex fantasy! Plus, our hooking up makes it SO MUCH more likely our friends will find us.
REV How do you figure?
HEDJ We emit a measurable glow. Plus, Bo ALWAYS interrupts just when I’m getting it on.
REV We are not getting it on!
HEDJ Whatever we ARE doing, is fabulous.
REV We must have a plan.
HEDJ So you’re a planner? As well as a mega-woman?
REV I’ve gotten everything I wanted through planning.
HEDJ Wow! I have to say I love that in a girl.
REV You do?
HEDJ Because I’m the strategy guy!
REV You are? You? So this was all part of a strategy?
HEDJ A fantasy strategy! I’ve always wanted to be at the mercy of some sexually rapacious, gorgeous girl.
REV You think I’m gorgeous?
HEDJ Yes. Oh, yes. Plus you are really, really hot.
(Mutual kissyface)
REV I guess I should be glad video doesn’t work down here.
HEDJ Too bad! No one will believe it happened.
REV So we’ll have do it again.
HEDJ And again and again.
(Tender kissing)
REV It’s like you’re the last man on earth and I’m the last woman.
(They look at each other hotly — overwhelmed by frantic passion. Lights out on this couple, up on BO who has made it into the audience)
(SCENE 3: VAYRE appears crawling down the stage into the audience. Shines her light)
VAYRE What was that? Anybody there? Rev? This isn’t funny, whoever you are! I’m warning you, I have a knife!
(Silence)
I’m armed and I’m desperate!
(Satisfied, she crawls to the first row, up and over the audience’s laps. At their reaction she goes rigid)
Help! It’s alive! Oh, my God!
(BO appears and works his way toward her. Her eyes are closed and she is planked out and screaming)
VAYRE They’re all around me! Save yourself! Don’t let them touch you!
BO Ssh, it’s OK. It’s nothing really. Come on down. This way.
VAYRE Oooo, I can’t look! They’re everywhere! I’m afraid to move!
BO Come with me, I found a safe place we can sit.
VAYRE Is it up high? Because it needs to be up high.
BO It’s higher than here. Careful.
(Helps her up to sit on stage. She brushes herself off)
VAYRE Did I get any on me? What WERE those? Were they like –
(shudders)
BATS?
(More hysterical)
DEAD BATS?
BO Nah. Bones, maybe?
VAYRE (Shrieks)
BONES!
BO OLD bones. Ancient bones. More like fossils, probably. Or dry leaves?
VAYRE (Shrieking) YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BONES AND DRY LEAVES?
BO What are you scaring yourself for? We’re all alone here.
(Gestures at the audience)
Whatever that was, it was completely inanimate.
VAYRE (Calming her breathing with great effort)
Well it was totally disgusting, whatever it was. So who are you?
BO You’re welcome.
VAYRE OK, thank you – I guess. I mean for all I know you put that stuff there in some kind of revolting fraternity prank.
BO Yeah, Hedj and I brought down ALL our funhouse equipment.
VAYRE Well, it was mean!
BO I was being sarcastic! We brought nothing but power bars. Want one?
VAYRE Is it gluten free?
BO (Inspecting a bar)
Chocolate chip. How does gluten free taste?
VAYRE Like sawdust. But, see, that keeps me from eating them.
BO
Like a food totem. But what happens if you want actual food?
VAYRE I ALWAYS want food!
BO Seriously, we need to keep our strength up. Who knows how long we’re going to be down here?
VAYRE Don’t say that!
BO I mean, look at this; we’re lost already.
VAYRE (Covering her ears and hammering her feet) Don’t say it! Don’t say it!
(He waves a power bar under her nose)
BO
Chocolate chip!
(She accepts a bar, unwraps and eats it fanatically, breaking off small pieces and inspecting them carefully)
BO That stuff can’t hurt you.
VAYRE
How do you know?
BO
I’m a doctor. Or going to be.
VAYRE Impossible.
BO As long as they don’t kick me out.
VAYRE
Why would they kick you out?
BO
The money thing.
VAYRE There’s a money thing?
BO There’s always a money thing. How could you not know this?
VAYRE Well, I’m not here to be your on the job experience.
BO Seriously, I delivered a baby once. In Guatemala. It wasn’t so scary. (Thinks) Actually, it was pretty scary!
VAYRE Well, you won’t have to do that here! And I definitely don’t want to hear any more about it!
(Traumatized chewing. Awkward pause.)
BO So… what’s your major?
VAYRE (A practiced complainer)
It was supposed to be communication. But my advisor – I’m not lying – has such a bad speech impediment I can’t understand him! He’s the HEAD of the department! What does that tell you?
BO
They’re really poor communicators?
VAYRE
So obviously I’m having to change majors!
BO (Laughs)
A speech impediment? How does THAT happen?
VAYRE He has tenure! They can’t get rid of him! His student ratings are in the toilet! Maybe it’s an accent. I can’t even tell.
BO How’d you sign on to communications and miss a thing like that?
VAYRE You can’t think of everything. I paid close attention to four factors: expense, weather, distance, ambiance –
(Ticks it off on her fingers)
BO Ambiance? You mean like the social life?
VAYRE Ambiance is more subtle than social life. It’s like feng shui.
BO
You mean like mojo?
VAYRE
(A little exasperated) Whatever that is. Like the mood of a place.
BO Sounds to me like you should be a language major. Or Symbiotics. Something like that.
VAYRE There’s no such thing as “Symbiotics”. Unless you mean semiotics and have you SEEN those people? They don’t want to have a job in the real world EVER. I can’t decide, but English major is definitely out. “Do you want fries with that?” I mean seriously. I want to meet interesting people. What do you think is good? Business?
BO My first roommate was a business major. Business has bad, bad ambiance. You don’t want them. I’m just telling you.
VAYRE You’re probably right. I just don’t want to be broke all my life.
BO If we HAVE a life. I mean, we’ve got to get out of here.
VAYRE Will you stop? Why am I always surrounded by negative thinkers? Of course we’re getting out! We’ll tunnel our way out if we have to!
BO Engineering, there’s your major.
VAYRE Isn’t that full of nerds? I warn you, I hate math.
BO But math is so easy! You can look everything up.
VAYRE Yeah, but you have to know what to look up. Don’t get me started.
(Silence while she chews and he thinks)
BO Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you the brunette or the redhead? No offense, but down here everything looks different.
VAYRE God, MEN! Better brush up on your bedside manner, buddy!
BO (Taking this entirely the wrong way, he says seductively)
Wanna help?
(She gives him a push)
VAYRE Aren’t doctors supposed to make people feel better?
BO You have to be willing to feel worse, in order to feel better. A lot of people can’t get through the “worse” part.
VAYRE Sounds medieval to me.
BO
Unless you’re a blonde.
(Holding and studying a lock of her hair)
It’s OK with me. I just really can’t tell in this light.
VAYRE
(Snatching her hair away)
Then let me put this in words on one syllable: There IS no blonde!
BO Good! I hate blondes! I’m anti-blonde! I’m into redheads!
VAYRE No redheads either! God, you guys are such idiots! How can you reject like, two thirds of the human race over hair color?
BO One of you had red hair. I feel like this is false advertising.
VAYRE I MAY have had colored extensions in my hair! For Party Night! You know! For fun. FOR DRESSING UP TO GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. So sue me!
BO (Shines his flashlight directly at her like a cop)
I don’t know. You act like a redhead! There is TOO a redhead, and you’re her!
VAYRE These are henna highlights if THAT’S what you mean. Why are men so pathetic?
BO Well, I like them. They look good on you.
VAYRE (Rapid mood change)
Really? You think? My roommate says I can’t get away with it because of my skin tone.
BO She’s crazy. What’s the matter with your skin tone?
VAYRE There’s nothing the MATTER with it. She just says I’m a Spring, is all.
BO What’s THAT mean?
VAYRE I’m supposed to wear pastels.
BO That’s just the green meanies. Probably she’s a hosebeast and you’re so obviously not.
VAYRE God, you frat boys are AWFUL!
(Slaps him)
BO Hey! There’s no call for violence!
VAYRE I’m just setting up the boundaries, is all.
BO I’d complain to the sexual harassment police if we weren’t stuck in a cave miles underground. Hey, I’m the one who rescued you!
VAYRE So you own me? By what law? Neanderthals versus the Sabines?
BO
You shouldn’t be attacking me, is all I’m saying.
VAYRE You just want me to be putty in your hands.
BO You WERE putty in my hands.
VAYRE I was not!
BO Nice way to treat the guy who rescued you from your panic attack seizure disorder hissy fit or whatever that was that you were having.
VAYRE It wasn’t a panic attack! And it certainly wasn’t a seizure, Dr. Death!
BO Claustrophobia, then, all right? I used to have claustrophobia. When I was little.
VAYRE You have a genius for making people feel worse. You’re going to get an A in that part of the program.
BO (Smiles at her endearingly)
I got over the claustrophobia. Now I’m just afraid of the dark.
(She’s still suspicious, but mollified.)
VAYRE Then why dare us to come down here?
BO (Killer grin) To give you a chance to rescue me.
VAYRE
Sounds more like you’re self-destructive.
BO I met a beautiful girl in a bar who said she was going caving.
VAYRE Go on.
BO She was drinking this stuff like liquid ice cream.
VAYRE Was not but continue.
BO These little drops of ice cream kept forming on her upper lip…
(Stares pointedly at her upper lip.)
VAYRE (Mongoose to his snake)
So you got an idea.
BO More than an idea. It was like a shock of recognition.
VAYRE
A shock of recognition?
BO
Like thinking, This is where I come in!
VAYRE
What does that mean?
BO Have you ever had that moment where you know exactly what you’re supposed to do?
VAYRE
Maybe. It doesn’t feel that good.
BO
Oh, this felt good!
VAYRE
You don’t think it was a terrible idea?
BO
Seems more brilliant to me every second. So half of me bullied the other half of me –
VAYRE You bullied yourself? How does that work?
BO I have to strong-arm myself or I would never do anything.
VAYRE (Getting closer to him)
You have a split personality. Like a private self and a public self? I totally get that. But which one of you is pre-med?
BO The good one.
VAYRE Wow! I see we’re into the “feel good” part of your practice?
BO Feels good to me.
(They are close together now)
VAYRE I am curious about how you taste.
(They kiss lightly, he attempts more, she fends him off, laughing)
VAYRE Maybe I’ll go Early Ed.
BO Early Ed?
VAYRE Because wild animal wrangling isn’t an option.
BO Seriously, wasn’t that nice?
VAYRE
(Holding him by his collar)
It was very nice.
BO (He likes this. Leaning forward to sniff her hair)
Plenty more where that came from!
VAYRE We can’t allow ourselves to get sidetracked! We have a job to do.
BO
(Completely forgetful)
Which is?
VAYRE
Find our friends and get out of here!
BO
Right! I know I got what I came for.
VAYRE
One kiss? One kiss is all you came for?
BO
Seems like. Now I feel like I could do anything!
VAYRE
That’s your split personality talking!
BO (Earnestly)
Split personality means I work twice as hard. (They nuzzle)
VAYRE You should have just asked me out for coffee.
BO
When?
VAYRE
Instead of all this.
BO
I was scared of your friend.
VAYRE (Laughs) Rev? She can be intense. I’m the only one who can stand to room with her. She’s pre-law.
BO She is? (Laughs) That’s so funny. So was my buddy.
VAYRE Don’t say “was”. Stop acting like we’re all gonna die down here.
BO He struggles with grades, that’s all. Dyslexic or something. So… you want to go out for coffee huh?
VAYRE I’m up for anything if we can only get out of here. Oh no!
(Feels in her pockets)
Oh God, God!
(She is really panicked now)
BO What’s wrong?
(She clutches him – he loves being clutched)
VAYRE (Hissing)
It’s back there!
BO (Playing with her hair, studying her neck)
What is?
VAYRE My map, stupid! The fossils must have taken it! I can’t believe it!
BO
You had a map?
VAYRE
I was trying to keep track of distances. I love measuring. It soothes me.
BO
You like measuring? Wow.
VAYRE I LOVE making curtains. And bedspreads!
BO
But that uses math.
VAYRE
(She shakes him) I…LOST…MY…MAP!
BO No need to panic. I’ll go get it for you.
(Starts to rise)
VAYRE You will?
BO Sure. No problem.
VAYRE No, no!
(She grabs him. He loves being grabbed)
BO Why not? It’s just right over there.
VAYRE The monsters are over there!
BO I GUARANTEE you those things aren’t alive.
VAYRE
But I’m so afraid you won’t come back.
BO
You are? Wow!
VAYRE I heard something AWFUL over there. Like snorting!
BO
Snorting?
VAYRE
And wheezing!
BO (Braggadocio)
Nah! Come with me, you’ll see it’s no big deal!
(VAYRE starts to shake)
VAYRE That was the scaredest I’ve ever been in my LIFE. I can’t bear to even THINK about it. I don’t know how you can be so brave.
BO You’re making me brave.
VAYRE Looks like we need each other.
BO Definitely. Teamwork. Foundation of the universe.
VAYRE Here’s an idea. I tie my rope to you.
BO Wow! Bondage huh?
VAYRE No, listen. This is a good idea. Teamwork! If you tug three times I’ll give you more rope and if I tug three times you’ll come back.
BO Why three times?
VAYRE So you can tell it wasn’t an accident. Seriously, I’ve got 240 feet of rope here. Don’t you think that’s enough?
BO How many times do I tug for a monster?
VAYRE Not funny!
BO My name’s Bo, by the way.
VAYRE I know. I investigated you.
BO
You did? Wow!
VAYRE I care who I’m down in a deep dark cave with. My name’s Wendy Vayre.
(They shake; she unties rope from her waist)
BO Bo Darcy at your service. And may I say no map is as important as getting to know YOU.
VAYRE You’ve got a smooth line!
BO
Haven’t I, though?
VAYRE
You think this – a mixer? Is everything a hookup with you guys?
BO You give me great ideas, I give you great ideas. The ultimate hookup! How about this one? We merge initiations!
(She looks skeptical)
Maybe I’m not expressing myself very well.
VAYRE Express yourself better.
BO Couples connect in this cave just like we did. We could call it “Night Problems!”
VAYRE We are NOT connecting up!
BO We TOTALLY are. And it’s the only way anybody ever accomplished anything. I know you feel it too.
VAYRE
Why can’t you see merging initiations is insanely dangerous? Coming down here at all is insanely dangerous. Our gnawed, bleached bones are going to star in some “Don’t go clubbing” movie!
BO Never happen. Call me an optimist.
VAYRE You ARE an optimist, aren’t you?
(She starts tying a rope around him)
I like that in a man.
BO Takes optimism to get the job done.
VAYRE
Remember, three tugs –
BO Got it. Three tugs if —
(He stops himself)
VAYRE What! Say it!
BO Nothing!
VAYRE You better not start in about the monsters again.
BO Three tugs if I need you and you give three tugs if you need me.
VAYRE I can live with that.
BO Tie the other end to yourself. I don’t want us to get separated.
In this comedy, the theatre becomes a cave as 2 college frat boys (HEDJ & BO) & 2 Sorority girls (REV & VAYRE) become trapped while spelunking on a dare. Unsettled friendships and a longing for connection have driven them to risk the cell-phone-free dangers of this place. All four long for emotional and sexual union and dependable relationships but are worried about victimization & consequences. How to trust? Both same sex couples become separated: BO “rescues” VAYRE and REV “rescues” HEDJ. Each couple has to forge a reliable physical and emotional connection. The first couple then needs to “find” the second couple deeper in the cave. To escape their emotional and physical prisons, both couples need to work as a team. They will use both physical and metaphysical relationship dynamics; even quantum mechanics to locate a “wormhole” that will “free them” into a previously unimagined universe.
(SCENE 1:darkened theater. A pair of college agewomen wearing miner’s lights and using hastily assembled climbing gear lower themselves from the ceiling with rope)
REV We can’t let the boys win!
VAYRE Because they ALWAYS win.
REV Only because they CARE SO MUCH about winning!
VAYRE Like it’s the ONLY thing.
REV They win because they CHEAT.
VAYRE They’re proud of it! They brag about it!
REV
Like ha ha! We put one over on you!
(They land with a thump, pull down ropes and lash them around their waists.)
REV (Sniffs) God, it stinks down here. What do you think that thing IS?
VAYRE I DON’T think. I’m trying hard NOT to think.
REV (Clutching her friend as if afraid to look around)
Don’t you dare say the “s” word! I’m warning you. Don’t even THINK the “s” word!
VAYRE What IS the “s” word? Shit?
REV That’s not it! Don’t say it! Don’t think it!
VAYRE Rev, are you afraid of … snakes?
REV (Screams)
I told you not to say it! Now I see them everywhere! I can SMELL them!
VAYRE Snakes don’t SMELL, silly. There are no snakes down here!
REV Who are you kidding! This is a deep dark hole! There HAVE to be snakes down here!
VAYRE There can’t be. Snakes need to eat SOMETHIING.
REV (Lets go of her)
There you go. Now you’re starting. I warned you. You mean something like BATS, for example?
VAYRE (Galvanized –Clutches REV fiercely)
Who said anything about bats? There aren’t any bats down here! This is a bat-free zone!
REV I just said that so you would come with. But you INSIST on torturing me with snakes. It’s a cave, silly! There literally HAVE to be bats! The kind that FLY in your HAIR.
(They hold each other while uttering blood curdling screams)
VAYRE You are so mean!
REV
You started it!
VAYRE
We’ve got to calm down. What if the boys hear us?
REV Yeah, we’ll never live it down!
VAYRE
We’ll have to pretend we’re faking. Play screaming. If THAT even exists!
REV
They’re probably screaming themselves. IF they have the BRAINS to be afraid. Which I highly doubt.
VAYRE You and me both!
REV Why did we get ourselves into this? What the HADES were we thinking?
VAYRE Well, we HAD to take the dare.
REV But WHY do we have to take the dare? What’s wrong with us?
VAYRE Greek honor? Self-sabotage? I can’t remember,
REV
Because they’re SO pathetic.
VAYRE Or because they’re so smug and superior.
REV
Those boys are SO in love with themselves!
VAYRE
How is that possible?
REV When they’re so much worse than we are in literally every way?
VAYRE SO much worse. But they’re the only game in town.
REV They CAN’T be.
VAYRE I investigated. They ARE. Unless you want to be gay?
REV
Not me! Where’s the fun in playing with the stuff I’ve already got?
VAYRE I know! Right? Where’s the drama?
REV
And you just KNOW whoever she is, she’s going to have a better chest than mine!
VAYRE
Of course she is! How can she help it?
REV (Giving her friend a dirty look)
Thanks a lot!
VAYRE
Hey! All I’m saying is we’re always comparing. True?
REV
(Grudgingly) True. Who can relax?
VAYRE
And when we’re ranking, we rank ourselves worst! Do we or don’t we?
REV
Well not always.
VAYRE
But most of the time! It just looks so easy to be someone else!
REV
It does! It really does! Hey, Vayre?
VAYRE
What?
REV
Don’t let those boys know we investigated them!
VAYRE Yeah! Easier to catch them in a LIE.
REV Bundles of lies, probably!
VAYRE
Yeah! Poseurs! They always get ensnared by their lies!
REV
Trip themselves up!
(They pant together; fortifying themselves has been hard work.)
God, I’m exhausted! Are you?
VAYRE I am! And we haven’t even started yet! Who knew this would be so rough?
(They finally let each other go – a bit embarrassed at the “gay” thing.)
I won’t say “s” if you won’t say “b”.
REV Deal. (Handshake & upslap. They look around, shining flashlights at the audience.)
VAYRE Please remind me HOW we got into this?
REV
I was drinking Angry Balls. I should NEVER do that. Remind me to NEVER do that AGAIN!
VAYRE Oh, yeah. I was all Sex on the Beach. So I remember…NOTHING. What are those other things?
REV Beer. With a fireball chaser. You’d think THAT would be all right! Right?
VAYRE I’m starting to see the problem with our decision making.
REV Yeah! And the headaches!
VAYRE It’s the boys’ fault!
REV It TOTALLY is! If they weren’t such hard drinkers –
VAYRE Alcoholics, probably. And if didn’t have those gorgeous shoulders —
REV They were all about the shoulders! Shoulders all over the place!
VAYRE Deep, deep brown eyes…
(They both sigh)
REV Did you happen to catch their names?
VAYRE Hardly.
REV Then how did you investigate them?
VAYRE
Friend of a friend.
(Thinks) Of a friend.
REV It’s especially hard when they’re buying!
VAYRE It TOTALLY is! I mean, you lose track!
REV
They WANT you to lose track!
VAYRE
Technically, the FRAT house was buying.
REV
That’s even WORSE!
(They look at each other meaningfully)
REV & VAYRE Uh oh!
REV We’ve been set up!
VAYRE We should leave right now!
REV We COULD leave now. I mean the hole is right up there.
(They both look up)
VAYRE Funny. I don’t see it. Where did it go?
REV Maybe a cloud passed in front of the sun.
VAYRE I’m already forgetting what sun even LOOKS like.
REV Maybe it moved while we were…screaming.
VAYRE An “s” word! Don’t say it!
REV Yeah. We never win if get excited.
VAYRE Remind me why aren’t we making the pledges do this? Isn’t that the whole point of sisterhood?
REV Lawsuits. We have to figure out if this can even be done. Did you bring food?
VAYRE Of course not. Think how thin we’ll be when we finally get out of here. How about you?
REV Gluten-free power bars.
VAYRE I SO blame the national chapter. Everything’s their fault!
REV
Yeah! It’s their fault we can’t just spank pledges and roll them in chocolate anymore! Make us think up something hard!
VAYRE Something NEW. God! What a lame bunch of losers! I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a good spanking and a coating of chocolate!
REV I Did! You did! Now we have to invent “pro-social” initiations to dress up somebody else’s resume!
VAYRE It’s SO UNFAIR!
REV
It SO defeats the point!
VAYRE Which is…
REV
Knocking respect into those pointy little know nothing heads.
VAYRE Respect!
REV Right! Remind them they’re lucky to be chosen!
VAYRE Sisterhood is a privilege, not a right! They must be worthy!
REV And…
(Moment’s silence while they try to read each other’s thoughts and speak together)
REV & VAYRE Because…they must be … willing to…
(Confused halt.)
VAYRE Do anything we tell them?
REV Start at the bottom!
VAYRE Yeah. Like we did!
REV I know, right?
VAYRE So appropriate. I mean if we went through it …
REV
They should have to.
VAYRE They shouldn’t be able to just get out of it.
REV Why should THEY get a pass? That gives them a completely wrong impression.
REV Yeah! They’ll FAIL!
VAYRE At college!
REV Probably even at LIFE! I mean, it wasn’t even so bad really.
VAYRE Right. Who doesn’t love chocolate?
REV Who doesn’t love a good spanking?
VAYRE I don’t!
REV (Hastily) Depends who’s doing it. Who’d you get?
VAYRE Muffy! She’s awful! She really had it in for me!
REV Poor old Muffintop. It’s just jealousy. That’s what THAT is.
VAYRE The Muffintop hates everyone.
REV There’s too much jealousy! Those national women are just angry –check that – FURIOUS about the way their lives turned out. Prom queen divas with three screaming toddlers, a sixty hour job and a husband who sexts.
VAYRE A husband who…what?
REV You know, sends pictures of his junk to TOTAL STRANGERS.
VAYRE Yeah! Poor things! Who wants to ever get old? I never want to leave college!
REV Really? I can’t WAIT to leave college!
VAYRE Why’s that?
REV It’s so freakin’ expensive!
VAYRE Well, apart from that. I mean what’s not to like? It’s like a witness relocation program for teenagers.
REV
Yeah but it sucks not having a boyfriend.
VAYRE
Yeah, being a sex object up for grabs gets old. I HAD a boyfriend.
REV I’m not sure Bucky Buckmaster counts for much.
VAYRE That wasn’t his name.
REV Whatever. I had a stalker that was kind of sexy, but do you hear me bragging? You can’t count high school boyfriends or garage mechanic stalkers. They’re so passé.
VAYRE All because men have that problem with COMMITMENT.
REV They’re shallow is what! They’re not even men! They’re just a bunch of little boys!
VAYRE They need us to show them what’s what.
REV Plan their lives for them.
VAYRE
Because otherwise they’d just drink beer and watch sports.
REV
And play video games. Fantasy football twenty-four/seven.
VAYRE Well, we can’t accomplish anything if we spend the rest of our lives in a freakin’ CAVE!
(Disgusted mutual pause)
REV I would totally leave right now if I knew where that damn hole was.
VAYRE
I’d be right behind you!
REV
We’ve got to go back to the plan.
VAYRE Omigod, there’s a plan?
REV I remember talking about a plan
VAYRE (Looking at her phone)
There’s no signal! I’m not getting a signal!
REV
Me either!
VAYRE
Oh, this is bad, bad news. How can we use our GPS? I’m lost without my GPS.
REV It’s those magnetic fields, that’s what it is. I read they all go haywire down here!
VAYRE
We should have thought of that!
REV
(In the GPS’s voice)
Recalculating…
VAYRE So what the hell do we do now?
REV If we back out they’ll say it’s because we’re girls.
VAYRE Yeah, they will! Blast it all over campus!
REV We have to pretend WE set THEM up.
VAYRE Unless they NEVER get out. Then WE’LL be the ones in trouble.
REV We can’t win! But what do you mean “never get out”?? You mean…like, DIE?
VAYRE Face it. Those guys are pretty stupid.
REV What if they never came down in the first place!
VAYRE Yeah! Left us down here by ourselves!
REV They’d think it was funny! Bro Code and Ho Code!
VAYRE Bastards! WE’RE not Hos!
REV They think a “Ho” is any girl who can’t escape.
VAYRE Not the brown-eyed one! He was throwing mad sexy cute vibes at me.
REV
That’s all part of their nefarious plan.
VAYRE
I don’t think so. He was seriously sad puppy-eying me!
REV What do you know? You were sexy-beached up out of your mind!
VAYRE I WAS all sexy-beached up our of my mind but sometimes you see most clearly when you’re out of your mind. Don’t forget, I kept adding orange juice. It’s good for you!
REV Yeah! And here we are!
(Looks around disgustedly.)
VAYRE So let’s say the boys DID come down the tunnel. What’s the plan?
REV We come down the hole and they come down the tunnel. We’re supposed to find each other.
VAYRE Unless we’re in two separate caves!
REV Not according to Blaise Pinwinnie. I googled him. He’ s the guy that originally searched these caves.
VAYRE Wasn’t that like 1863? God! ANYTHING could have happened since then! Tectonic plates have been shifting all over the place! Don’t you ever watch movies?
REV Say we DON’T find them, that’s OK too. If we keep circling we’re bound to end up back where we started. That’s the NATURE of a circle.
VAYRE Unless it’s a spiral.
REV WHAT is your major? Remind me again? “Fashion Ethics”? Let ME do the thinking.
VAYRE My major is not and never has been “Fashion Ethics”. I don’t even think that’s a major. I am currently majorless which is a highly respected condition when you don’t know what you want to do and you don’t want to get stuck doing something you hate.
REV No wonder you want to stay in college forever. Sucks to be your parents is all I can say.
VAYRE Stepfather is another “s” word. Don’t remind me.
REV If there’s a connection we’re going to find it or –
VAYRE Don’t say it! We’ll find it if we DECIDE to find it! Didn’t you read The Secret? If you want something badly enough –
REV
You believe that garbage? It CAN’T be true or everybody would have everything!
VAYRE No, because people are self-destructive. You wouldn’t argue with that, I hope?
REV
We’re not self-destructive!
VAYRE
Right! That’s how I know we’ll find it. You know, I think I see an opening over there.
(They move slowly downstage, shining flashlights)
REV
Listen! Did you hear that? You know how boys’ bodies are always making disgusting noises?
(They listen thoughtfully to audience noises)
VAYRE Nah. It’s the earth groaning or something like that. No big wup.
REV Where ARE they? Up top laughing at us?
VAYRE Maybe they’re dead already.
REV Died from sheer fright, probably! Makes us the last great adventurers!
VAYRE I bet they’re gay. No straight guy could have eyes that beautiful.
REV I HOPE they’re gay! Otherwise – think about it – we’re down here where our cellphones don’t work with a couple of horny frat boys.
VAYRE Maybe they’re not even horny! Seriously! I’ve been reading about it! They’ve all ruined their bodies with masturbation and cheese whiz! If they want to rape anybody they have to get a gang together in a group!
REV That’s disgusting!
VAYRE Yeah, it IS!
REV God, it’s a ruined world left for us to inherit.
VAYRE
Why do you have to be so negative?
REV
I’m realistic, is all.
VAYRE Same difference. It would be mad irony if my Mom got the last good generation.
REV I thought you hated your stepfather.
VAYRE I do hate him. He’s good looking though. But talk about negative! Nothing’s ever right for HIM.
REV Well nobody’s helping ME. Even the government wants its money back.
VAYRE Hear that?
REV What? (They listen while audience tries to hold its breath.)
VAYRE I’m not sure. Water dripping?
REV Men peeing! Men pee on everything!
VAYRE Like wolves! Or…dogs. It’s the ownership thing!
REV Or a threat! Torturing our sense of smell!
VAYRE Maybe they’re super conniving and Machiavellian and not stupid at all! Talk about snakes!
REV DO NOT SAY SNAKES! If you say the “s” word!” I get to say the “b” word!
VAYRE Don’t you dare!
REV Bats, bats, bats!
(The girls engage in a vigorous slapfight. Lights out.)
Alysse Aallyn 