Category: Theatre

SCENE 4: (Lights down on this couple and up on Back of Stage where HEDJ is splashing in a stream)

HEDJ
Help! Help! Help!

(REV appears, tries to lasso him)

REV
Stop struggling!

HEDJ
Stop struggling and DROWN? That’s all you’ve got to say?

            REV

Lift up your arms!

(Finally gets the rope over him, hauls him out. He is soaking wet.)

HEDJ
(Moaning)
God, God, Oh God. I saw the white light.

REV
That white light was ME rescuing your ass.

(Touches her miner’s light)

HEDJ
No, this was different. I SAW people.

REV
Dead people?

HEDJ
My third grade teacher – dead or alive – I couldn’t say.

REV
That’s a weird person to see!

HEDJ
Isn’t it?

(He starts to undress)

That current is killer – you wouldn’t think to look at it but I’m warning you, it’s like its TRYING to drown you.

REV
(Flabbergasted)

Don’t you dare strip! Why do men want to show everyone their equipment?

HEDJ
We like comparing equipment. Seriously, though, I can’t wear these disgusting slimy clothes one more second.

(Strips down to his boxers)

My button-fly’s are decent.

(Throws the clothes a distance)

Don’t touch those. Bo would say they’re full of invisible leech babies!

REV
You are disgusting. I don’ t want to touch you or your disgusting slimy clothes. Do you have leeches on you?

    HEDJ

(He peers down the front of his pants)

Shine your light down here.

REV
I will not!

            HEDJ
    Then no.

(Snaps his elastic band with a satisfying “thwap”)

            REV

Cover yourself up.

(She hands him her hoodie, which he dons. Its flower print looks utterly fem – plus it’s child-sized – and doesn’t meet in front)

HEDJ
Thanks. I lost everything, including my watch! It was a good watch. Graduation gift.

REV
You haven’t graduated yet!

HEDJ
From high school! It had three time zones and a calculator.

REV
Nothing works down here.

HEDJ
Lucky we have an inborn time and distance sense located right behind our eyeballs.

REV
Where’d you get that idea?

HEDJ
I read my assignments. Unlike some people.

REV
Well I read about it too and what I read is, if you don’t use it you lose it.

HEDJ
How do you know I haven’t been using mine?

REV
Because you FELL into an underground STREAM.

HEDJ
It was dark! I got sucked in and swept off my feet!

REV
We haven’t been down here long enough to get lost.

HEDJ
How can you be sure? Prisoners totally lose track of time. They did this experiment where –

REV
I know that one. They made some poor guy think fifteen hours was a twenty-four hour day.

HEDJ
It wasn’t fifteen hours.

            REV
    Approximately.

HEDJ
You think you know everything, don’t you?

REV
I obviously didn’t know enough to stay out of this freakin’ cave.

HEDJ
Maybe we’ve been down here for days.

REV
We have NOT been down here for days! You can tell that! How many times have you gone to the bathroom, for example?

HEDJ
God knows.

REV
Yuck! Do men pee constantly without even knowing it?

HEDJ
(Very interested)

You mean like bats?

REV
Is that what bats do? Omigod. Let’s agree not to use the “b” word. My partner gets very upset.

HEDJ
So you ARE gay.

REV
God! What is it with frat boys! We are NOT GAY. ALL SORORITY GIRLS ARE NOT GAY.

HEDJ
How do you know until you try? Seriously.

REV
Well are YOU gay? WE thought you were.

HEDJ
Would we be DOWN here risking all this danger if we were gay?

REV
Don’t you realize that’s offensive?

HEDJ
It’s OK be gay! I love gay people! Seriously, you should check it out. I would if I were you.

REV
You’re making me want my hoodie back.

(He makes a move to disrobe, she stops him)

REV
Forget it. Are you like a nudist or something?

    HEDJ

I could be.

    REV

Never mind. Let’s just get out of here.

    HEDJ

Don’t we have to find the other two?

    REV

I wasn’t suggesting abandoning them! Vayre! She was right here a minute ago.

HEDJ
Bo! Buddy! Come back!

    REV

THAT was half-hearted.

    HEDJ

Well he’s upstream like a mile.

    REV

(Very dejected)

    Don’t say that! We’ll find them!

HEDJ
This cave is bigger than we thought. It’s DAMN big.

REV
It’s huge!

HEDJ
It’s got a river!

REV
That river is making this cave bigger!

(They both shout for their friends with an edge of panic)

HEDJ
BO!

REV
VAYRE!

HEDJ
I don’t think sound travels well down here.

REV
So that means they STILL could be close.

HEDJ
(Checking out his forearm)

     I was making a map on my arm with a Sharpie –

(Checks it)

Gone!

REV
Wow! You couldn’t think to use a permanent marker? Lucky I’ve been making a map, and it’s right here.

(Takes a piece of paper out of her breast pocket – it disintegrates in her hands)

Oh my God!

HEDJ
Who gives themselves a temporary tattoo with a permanent marker? You’d have me covered with random girls’ phone numbers.

(Snatching at the pieces)

Not like YOU’RE doing such a good job! It’s illegible!

REV
This is your fault! I got SOAKED saving YOUR sorry ass!

HEDJ
Hey, I’m sorry, but obviously you made the right decision.

REV
What are you talking about? That map was WAY more important than some layer tattooed in random girls’ phone numbers!

HEDJ
Hey!. I’m dyslexic! Its very easy for me to transpose numbers. But that hasn’t held me back ONE BIT because I’ve got Strategy.

REV
You’ve got Strategy, have you? Ok, let’s see some.

HEDJ
Well, for one thing there’s two of us figuring out how to get out of here. Right away that doubles our chances. When we find the others, it DOUBLES AGAIN. Particles in a bound state have more energy.

REV
I’m not getting into a bound state with you! So where’s this other guy?

HEDJ
We split up so we could cover more ground. He absolutely hated the idea.

(Shouts)

Bo! You were right! I’m sorry.

(They listen to the echo)

REV
Maybe they found the way out.

HEDJ
Bo wouldn’t do that.

REV
Even if they tried looking for us and stepped out into daylight instead, do you think they’d turn around and rush back in?

    HEDJ

At least they’d get help!

            REV

I can hear them at the police station now. “How long have your friends been gone?” They don’t do anything for like seventy-two hours.

HEDJ
This water must pour out somewhere. Maybe we should follow it?

REV
To really follow it, we’d have to get into it.

    HEDJ

Water talk is making me thirsty. Got any?

REV
I don’t know if I want your parasitic slimy lips all over my water bottle!

HEDJ
Just squirt it in my mouth!

(Gets down to beg with mouth open like a baby bird. REV takes out her water bottle)

HEDJ
Well, if that’s all you’ve got you might as well just give it to me!

REV
Hey! This is all we’ve got for the two of us!

HEDJ
One squirt!

(She squirts some water at his mouth – it gets on his face)

     Girls! Your aim is horrible! I’m like a foot away!

REV
You keep moving your face! Just take it already!

(She gives him the water bottle, turns away to think)

We can only go forwards by going backwards. We have to figure out where we came from.

HEDJ
You won the easy way! We crawled down a tunnel!

REV
It was NOT the easy way! That hole was crumbling in on itself. We can’t get back that way, even if we could find it.

HEDJ
Well, I’m not re-tracing that water ride. It’s a chute to hell.
(Shudders)

It was like the world collapsed in on itself.

REV
I’m not scared of a little water.

HEDJ
We have to BELIEVE we can get out. This cave has been here for millions of years, so…

REV
According to Heisenberg —

HEDJ
Don’t you quote Heisenberg at me!

    REV

Then what about Occam’s Razor?

    HEDJ

What’s that got to do with anything? Reasoning from general cases doesn’t lead to knowledge? DOESN’T help us here!

    REV

That’s not what Occam’s Razor says!

    HEDJ

It is so!

    REV

It is not! I’m pre-law and I know! Occam’s Razor says the simplest idea’s the likeliest!

    HEDJ

You’re pre-law? Wow! So am I!

    REV

So act like it! How do we get out of here?

HEDJ
By facing facts, that’s how. Let’s not go near the river of slime.

REV
“River of slime”? Wow. It’s like a metaphor for life!

HEDJ
Or a metaphor for college! See? I’m an idea guy.

REV
A METAPHOR-guy. A metaphorical guy.

HEDJ
Hey, stick with me. I’m the meta-guy.

(Drains the bottle then tosses it away)

REV
I’m arresting you for littering.

HEDJ
Go ahead! Lock me up!

    REV

You know, you’re one bad idea after another.

    HEDJ

Hey! Coming down here was YOUR idea.

    REV

Well, exploring was YOUR idea! This was supposed to be a simple recon and not the Bataan Death March.

    HEDJ

Don’t quote history at me.

    REV

Go ahead! Rewrite history if you don’t like it. It’s what your gender does best.

HEDJ
So you’re like one of those femi-Nazis?

REV
I know how to stand up for myself is all.

HEDJ
Well, law is about finding the truth. I don’t believe in rewriting anything. More information beats less information. Every time.

    REV

Except for burnout and information overload.

    HEDJ

And that’s relevant how?

REV
If we’re trapped between getting MORE lost and a river of slime I say we should stay put and let them find us.

HEDJ
Maybe we should produce a constant noise? We could sing or something.

REV
Vibrations could cause a cave-in!

            HEDJ
    But I’m High-T!  I’ve got to do SOMETHING!

REV
What an infant! “Blame the testosterone.”

(She sits down, defeatedly.)

    HEDJ

So we should do nothing? That’s your solution?

    REV

We respect the environment and don’t make things worse.

(He sits down beside her. She looks at floor and he looks at ceiling.)

HEDJ
 So…do you have a boyfriend?

REV
You know very well I don’t have a boyfriend! We know all about your “Stud Book!”

HEDJ
You can’t! I mean, we don’t call it that!

REV
I’ve seen it. Where you rate and rank us down to the smallest detail. So why did I rank “Kill?”

HEDJ
Hey, I didn’t vote for that.

REV
I don’t get “marry” status? Not even “pity date”?

HEDJ
See how you’re so mad right now? And you criticize everything? I have to tell you guys hate that.

REV
I’m discriminating, is all. Discerning. Girls would never get mad if your crew didn’t always act like a bunch of five year olds on a field trip at the zoo!

HEDJ
Ah, we just love yanking your chain. Remember that nerd you used to date?

REV
Bruce?

HEDJ
Yeah, that guy. You pissed him off when you broke up with him. He stuffed the ballot box.

REV
I didn’t break up with HIM! He was dating another girl! Obviously the relationship was over!

HEDJ
Well, we don’t see it that way.

REV
If I was dating both you AND another guy you would!

(He seems to acknowledge the truth of this.)

Blame the testosterone again?

HEDJ
It’s a psychoactive drug, am I right? Turns us into cavemen.

REV
And guess what! Here we are in a cave!

HEDJ
You know you have a problem with tone.

REV
We’re stuck in a cave and I have a problem with TONE?

HEDJ
Yeah, to be frank. This whole self-presentation is just not working for you. You’re coming off as way too butch.

REV
This butch RESCUED you, buddy!

HEDJ
I’m just saying, nobody likes a nag.

REV
You’re not even a very good caveman!

(HEDJ who was lounging, sits up)

HEDJ
Oh, I’m a bad caveman now?

REV
Since we’re being honest.

HEDJ
You know, I can’t believe you’re pre-law. I had you pegged for like, drill team.

REV
That is not a concentration! Didn’t bother to put majors in your Stud Book, did you? Didn’t seem important, I guess! My bra-size though – you care deeply about THAT.

    HEDJ

(He’s been sizing her up)

Are you as aroused right now as me?

            REV
    More!

(Mutual lunge, start kissing passionately. Kissing turns into fighting.)

REV
We should so NOT be doing this.

HEDJ
(More slapping, more kissing, grunting as dialog is punctuated by kisses and grabs; each trying to pin the other)

    Give me one good reason.

            REV
    Because we’ll hate ourselves in the morning?

            HEDJ
    But what if we love ourselves?

            REV
    Men are so changeable, is the problem.

            HEDJ
    And women aren’t?

(He almost gets on top – she flips him)

You’re so totally not my type.

REV
And you’re not anybody’s type.

HEDJ
I’m everybody’s type. I’ve had a lot more girls than you.

REV
Plus, you’re a slut! Mister, if you “had” people, you didn’t “get” anything.

(She manages to pin him, gasps exhaustedly, then he flips her. Falls off her. Exhausted mutual panting.)

HEDJ
What if we both agree to stay on the bottom?

(Removing each other’s clothes)

REV
This is SUCH a bad idea. I mean, where can this lead?

HEDJ
(Tender kissing)

Bad places. Bad, bad places.

REV
You’re not protected and I’m not protected.

HEDJ
We are so, so unprotected.

REV
Completely vulnerable. I hope this isn’t just because we’re desperate.

HEDJ
Desperation is the human condition. Actually, I feel a lot less desperate round you.

    REV

Why’s that?

            HEDJ
    Because I like to measure everything but you can’t measure a            superposition.

REV
You can if you practice restraint.

HEDJ
Tantric entanglement, here I am!

(They wrestle and pant, exhausted.)

            REV
    Pick one quick: dream or a nightmare?

            HEDJ

Fantasy! Glorious sex fantasy! Plus, our hooking up makes it SO MUCH more likely our friends will find us.

REV
How do you figure?

HEDJ
We emit a measurable glow. Plus, Bo ALWAYS interrupts just when I’m getting it on.

REV
We are not getting it on!

HEDJ
Whatever we ARE doing, is fabulous.

REV
We must have a plan.

HEDJ
So you’re a planner? As well as a mega-woman?

REV
I’ve gotten everything I wanted through planning.

HEDJ
Wow! I have to say I love that in a girl.

REV
You do?

HEDJ
Because I’m the strategy guy!

REV
You are? You? So this was all part of a strategy?

HEDJ
A fantasy strategy! I’ve always wanted to be at the mercy of some sexually rapacious, gorgeous girl.

REV
You think I’m gorgeous?

HEDJ
Yes. Oh, yes. Plus you are really, really hot.

(Mutual kissyface)

REV
I guess I should be glad video doesn’t work down here.

HEDJ
Too bad! No one will believe it happened.

REV
So we’ll have do it again.

HEDJ
And again and again.

(Tender kissing)

REV
It’s like you’re the last man on earth and I’m the last woman.

(They look at each other hotly — overwhelmed by frantic passion. Lights out on this couple, up on BO who has made it into the audience)

(SCENE 3: VAYRE appears crawling down the stage into the audience. Shines her light)

VAYRE
What was that? Anybody there? Rev? This isn’t funny, whoever you are! I’m warning you, I have a knife!

(Silence)

I’m armed and I’m desperate!

(Satisfied, she crawls to the first row, up and over the audience’s laps. At their reaction she goes rigid)

Help! It’s alive! Oh, my God!

(BO appears and works his way toward her. Her eyes are closed and she is planked out and screaming)

VAYRE
They’re all around me! Save yourself! Don’t let them touch you!

BO
Ssh, it’s OK. It’s nothing really. Come on down. This way.

VAYRE
Oooo, I can’t look! They’re everywhere! I’m afraid to move!

BO
Come with me, I found a safe place we can sit.

VAYRE
Is it up high? Because it needs to be up high.

BO
It’s higher than here. Careful.

(Helps her up to sit on stage. She brushes herself off)

VAYRE
Did I get any on me? What WERE those? Were they like –

(shudders)

BATS?

(More hysterical)

DEAD BATS?

BO
Nah. Bones, maybe?

VAYRE
(Shrieks)

BONES!

BO
OLD bones. Ancient bones. More like fossils, probably. Or dry leaves?

VAYRE
(Shrieking)
YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BONES AND DRY LEAVES?

BO
What are you scaring yourself for? We’re all alone here.

(Gestures at the audience)

Whatever that was, it was completely inanimate.

VAYRE
(Calming her breathing with great effort)

Well it was totally disgusting, whatever it was. So who are you?

BO
You’re welcome.

VAYRE
OK, thank you – I guess. I mean for all I know you put that stuff there in some kind of revolting fraternity prank.

BO
Yeah, Hedj and I brought down ALL our funhouse equipment.

VAYRE
Well, it was mean!

BO
I was being sarcastic! We brought nothing but power bars. Want one?

VAYRE
Is it gluten free?

BO
(Inspecting a bar)

Chocolate chip. How does gluten free taste?

VAYRE
Like sawdust. But, see, that keeps me from eating them.

    BO

Like a food totem. But what happens if you want actual food?

VAYRE
I ALWAYS want food!

BO
Seriously, we need to keep our strength up. Who knows how long we’re going to be down here?

VAYRE
Don’t say that!

BO
I mean, look at this; we’re lost already.

VAYRE
(Covering her ears and hammering her feet)
Don’t say it! Don’t say it!

(He waves a power bar under her nose)

            BO
    Chocolate chip!

(She accepts a bar, unwraps and eats it fanatically, breaking off small pieces and inspecting them carefully)

BO
That stuff can’t hurt you.

    VAYRE

How do you know?

    BO

I’m a doctor. Or going to be.

VAYRE
Impossible.

BO
As long as they don’t kick me out.

    VAYRE

Why would they kick you out?

    BO

The money thing.

VAYRE
There’s a money thing?

BO
There’s always a money thing. How could you not know this?

VAYRE
Well, I’m not here to be your on the job experience.

BO
Seriously, I delivered a baby once. In Guatemala. It wasn’t so scary.
(Thinks)
Actually, it was pretty scary!

VAYRE
Well, you won’t have to do that here! And I definitely don’t want to hear any more about it!

(Traumatized chewing. Awkward pause.)

BO
So… what’s your major?

VAYRE
(A practiced complainer)

It was supposed to be communication. But my advisor – I’m not lying – has such a bad speech impediment I can’t understand him! He’s the HEAD of the department! What does that tell you?

    BO

They’re really poor communicators?

    VAYRE

So obviously I’m having to change majors!

BO
(Laughs)

A speech impediment? How does THAT happen?

VAYRE
He has tenure! They can’t get rid of him! His student ratings are in the toilet! Maybe it’s an accent. I can’t even tell.

BO
How’d you sign on to communications and miss a thing like that?

VAYRE
You can’t think of everything. I paid close attention to four factors: expense, weather, distance, ambiance –

(Ticks it off on her fingers)

BO
Ambiance? You mean like the social life?

VAYRE
Ambiance is more subtle than social life. It’s like feng shui.

    BO

You mean like mojo?

    VAYRE

(A little exasperated)
Whatever that is. Like the mood of a place.

BO
Sounds to me like you should be a language major. Or Symbiotics. Something like that.

VAYRE
There’s no such thing as “Symbiotics”. Unless you mean semiotics and have you SEEN those people? They don’t want to have a job in the real world EVER. I can’t decide, but English major is definitely out. “Do you want fries with that?” I mean seriously. I want to meet interesting people. What do you think is good? Business?

BO
My first roommate was a business major. Business has bad, bad ambiance. You don’t want them. I’m just telling you.

VAYRE
You’re probably right. I just don’t want to be broke all my life.

BO
If we HAVE a life. I mean, we’ve got to get out of here.

VAYRE
Will you stop? Why am I always surrounded by negative thinkers? Of course we’re getting out! We’ll tunnel our way out if we have to!

BO
Engineering, there’s your major.

VAYRE
Isn’t that full of nerds? I warn you, I hate math.

BO
But math is so easy! You can look everything up.

VAYRE
Yeah, but you have to know what to look up. Don’t get me started.

(Silence while she chews and he thinks)

BO
Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you the brunette or the redhead? No offense, but down here everything looks different.

VAYRE
God, MEN! Better brush up on your bedside manner, buddy!

BO
(Taking this entirely the wrong way, he says seductively)

Wanna help?

(She gives him a push)

VAYRE
Aren’t doctors supposed to make people feel better?

BO
You have to be willing to feel worse, in order to feel better. A lot of people can’t get through the “worse” part.

VAYRE
Sounds medieval to me.

    BO

Unless you’re a blonde.

(Holding and studying a lock of her hair)

It’s OK with me. I just really can’t tell in this light.

    VAYRE

(Snatching her hair away)

Then let me put this in words on one syllable: There IS no blonde!

BO
Good! I hate blondes! I’m anti-blonde! I’m into redheads!

VAYRE
No redheads either! God, you guys are such idiots! How can you reject like, two thirds of the human race over hair color?

BO
One of you had red hair. I feel like this is false advertising.

VAYRE
I MAY have had colored extensions in my hair! For Party Night! You know! For fun. FOR DRESSING UP TO GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. So sue me!

BO
(Shines his flashlight directly at her like a cop)

I don’t know. You act like a redhead! There is TOO a redhead, and you’re her!

VAYRE
These are henna highlights if THAT’S what you mean. Why are men so pathetic?

BO
Well, I like them. They look good on you.

VAYRE
(Rapid mood change)

Really? You think? My roommate says I can’t get away with it because of my skin tone.

BO
She’s crazy. What’s the matter with your skin tone?

VAYRE
There’s nothing the MATTER with it. She just says I’m a Spring, is all.

BO
What’s THAT mean?

VAYRE
I’m supposed to wear pastels.

BO
That’s just the green meanies. Probably she’s a hosebeast and you’re so obviously not.

VAYRE
God, you frat boys are AWFUL!

(Slaps him)

BO
Hey! There’s no call for violence!

VAYRE
I’m just setting up the boundaries, is all.

BO
I’d complain to the sexual harassment police if we weren’t stuck in a cave miles underground. Hey, I’m the one who rescued you!

VAYRE
So you own me? By what law? Neanderthals versus the Sabines?

    BO

You shouldn’t be attacking me, is all I’m saying.

VAYRE
You just want me to be putty in your hands.

BO
You WERE putty in my hands.

VAYRE
I was not!

BO
Nice way to treat the guy who rescued you from your panic attack seizure disorder hissy fit or whatever that was that you were having.

VAYRE
It wasn’t a panic attack! And it certainly wasn’t a seizure, Dr. Death!

BO
Claustrophobia, then, all right? I used to have claustrophobia. When I was little.

VAYRE
You have a genius for making people feel worse. You’re going to get an A in that part of the program.

BO
(Smiles at her endearingly)

I got over the claustrophobia. Now I’m just afraid of the dark.

(She’s still suspicious, but mollified.)

VAYRE
Then why dare us to come down here?

BO
(Killer grin)
To give you a chance to rescue me.

    VAYRE

Sounds more like you’re self-destructive.

BO
I met a beautiful girl in a bar who said she was going caving.

VAYRE
Go on.

BO
She was drinking this stuff like liquid ice cream.

VAYRE
Was not but continue.

BO
These little drops of ice cream kept forming on her upper lip…

(Stares pointedly at her upper lip.)

VAYRE
(Mongoose to his snake)

So you got an idea.

BO
More than an idea. It was like a shock of recognition.

    VAYRE

A shock of recognition?

    BO

Like thinking, This is where I come in!

    VAYRE

What does that mean?

BO
Have you ever had that moment where you know exactly what you’re supposed to do?

    VAYRE

Maybe. It doesn’t feel that good.

    BO

Oh, this felt good!

    VAYRE

You don’t think it was a terrible idea?

    BO

Seems more brilliant to me every second. So half of me bullied the other half of me –

VAYRE
You bullied yourself? How does that work?

BO
I have to strong-arm myself or I would never do anything.

VAYRE
(Getting closer to him)

You have a split personality. Like a private self and a public self? I totally get that. But which one of you is pre-med?

BO
The good one.

VAYRE
Wow! I see we’re into the “feel good” part of your practice?

BO
Feels good to me.

(They are close together now)

VAYRE
I am curious about how you taste.

(They kiss lightly, he attempts more, she fends him off, laughing)

VAYRE
Maybe I’ll go Early Ed.

BO
Early Ed?

VAYRE
Because wild animal wrangling isn’t an option.

BO
Seriously, wasn’t that nice?

VAYRE

(Holding him by his collar)

    It was very nice.

BO
(He likes this. Leaning forward to sniff her hair)

Plenty more where that came from!

VAYRE
We can’t allow ourselves to get sidetracked! We have a job to do.

    BO

(Completely forgetful)

    Which is?

            VAYRE
    Find our friends and get out of here!

    BO

Right! I know I got what I came for.

    VAYRE

One kiss? One kiss is all you came for?

    BO

Seems like. Now I feel like I could do anything!

    VAYRE

That’s your split personality talking!

BO
(Earnestly)

Split personality means I work twice as hard.
(They nuzzle)

VAYRE
You should have just asked me out for coffee.

    BO

When?

    VAYRE

Instead of all this.

    BO  

I was scared of your friend.

VAYRE
(Laughs)
Rev? She can be intense. I’m the only one who can stand to room with her. She’s pre-law.

BO
She is?
(Laughs)
That’s so funny. So was my buddy.

VAYRE
Don’t say “was”. Stop acting like we’re all gonna die down here.

BO
He struggles with grades, that’s all. Dyslexic or something. So… you want to go out for coffee huh?

VAYRE
I’m up for anything if we can only get out of here. Oh no!

(Feels in her pockets)

Oh God, God!

(She is really panicked now)

BO
What’s wrong?

(She clutches him – he loves being clutched)

VAYRE
(Hissing)

It’s back there!

BO
(Playing with her hair, studying her neck)

What is?

VAYRE
My map, stupid! The fossils must have taken it! I can’t believe it!

    BO

You had a map?

    VAYRE

I was trying to keep track of distances. I love measuring. It soothes me.

    BO

You like measuring? Wow.

VAYRE
I LOVE making curtains. And bedspreads!

    BO

But that uses math.

    VAYRE

(She shakes him)
I…LOST…MY…MAP!

BO
No need to panic. I’ll go get it for you.

(Starts to rise)

VAYRE
You will?

BO
Sure. No problem.

VAYRE
No, no!

(She grabs him. He loves being grabbed)

BO
Why not? It’s just right over there.

VAYRE
The monsters are over there!

BO
I GUARANTEE you those things aren’t alive.

    VAYRE

But I’m so afraid you won’t come back.

    BO

You are? Wow!

VAYRE
I heard something AWFUL over there. Like snorting!

    BO

Snorting?

    VAYRE

And wheezing!

BO
(Braggadocio)

Nah! Come with me, you’ll see it’s no big deal!

(VAYRE starts to shake)

VAYRE
That was the scaredest I’ve ever been in my LIFE. I can’t bear to even THINK about it. I don’t know how you can be so brave.

BO
You’re making me brave.

VAYRE
Looks like we need each other.

BO
Definitely. Teamwork. Foundation of the universe.

VAYRE
Here’s an idea. I tie my rope to you.

BO
Wow! Bondage huh?

VAYRE
No, listen. This is a good idea. Teamwork! If you tug three times I’ll give you more rope and if I tug three times you’ll come back.

BO
Why three times?

VAYRE
So you can tell it wasn’t an accident. Seriously, I’ve got 240 feet of rope here. Don’t you think that’s enough?

BO
How many times do I tug for a monster?

VAYRE
Not funny!

BO
My name’s Bo, by the way.

VAYRE
I know. I investigated you.

            BO
    You did?  Wow!

VAYRE
I care who I’m down in a deep dark cave with. My name’s Wendy Vayre.

(They shake; she unties rope from her waist)

BO
Bo Darcy at your service. And may I say no map is as important as getting to know YOU.

VAYRE
You’ve got a smooth line!

    BO

Haven’t I, though?

    VAYRE

You think this – a mixer? Is everything a hookup with you guys?

BO
You give me great ideas, I give you great ideas. The ultimate hookup! How about this one? We merge initiations!

(She looks skeptical)

Maybe I’m not expressing myself very well.

VAYRE
Express yourself better.

BO
Couples connect in this cave just like we did. We could call it “Night Problems!”

VAYRE
We are NOT connecting up!

BO
We TOTALLY are. And it’s the only way anybody ever accomplished anything. I know you feel it too.

    VAYRE

Why can’t you see merging initiations is insanely dangerous? Coming down here at all is insanely dangerous. Our gnawed, bleached bones are going to star in some “Don’t go clubbing” movie!

BO
Never happen. Call me an optimist.

VAYRE
You ARE an optimist, aren’t you?

(She starts tying a rope around him)

    I like that in a man.

BO
Takes optimism to get the job done.

VAYRE

Remember, three tugs –

BO
Got it. Three tugs if —

(He stops himself)

VAYRE
What! Say it!

BO
Nothing!

VAYRE
You better not start in about the monsters again.

BO
Three tugs if I need you and you give three tugs if you need me.

VAYRE
I can live with that.

BO
Tie the other end to yourself. I don’t want us to get separated.

(They kiss. She gives him a little shove.)

VAYRE
Better get going. Be safe.

(BO begins to crawl towards the audience.)